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Time to reset my gaming detox counter. It started going downhill when my co-workers started talking about one idle game. Working at the game industry makes detoxing harder since I have to test and play games for research purposes. So, I started playing the game on Thursday during working hours since it was work and I was in control. Then when the working hours ended, I had this urge to keep going with the game. Damn idle clickers have always been a weak spot for me since you can do more and more to optimize your future gains. If you don't upgrade, then the future upgrades are going to take a looong time. So, I played for the weekend until I got to the stage where you reset the game to get some passive bonuses so you can do it all again but faster. Then I started to wonder why in hell am I even playing the game. I played it only to fulfill this feeling of frenzy, similar to what you get when watching porn. I uninstalled the game and ended up playing another game. It wasn't fun. Today when I was walking to a grocery store I started to think about dota and how nice it could be to try it again, but I quickly said no since I'm past that soul-sucking game. I played an MMO for a couple of hours today and watched some South Park at the same time. I never thought that I would do that. It felt like I was in the far end again, perhaps even further since I have never gone as far as to play a video game and watch a tv series at the same time. That was it. I don't want this to continue. I don't want to keep making this mental image of myself sitting at the computer every day for 10h+ a reality. It sounds pathetic, and I have to admit that it is. I want to change. Time to start from 0 days again, let's go.

Yeah, it's unfortunate he's a Jordan Peterson AND Alex Becker fan... I still hang around since I use the forums mostly for tracking my process.

Well, I relapsed to porn once again. Time to reset my counter. On the other parts of my life things have been great. I have noticed that I have started to have a longer attention span and it's easier to focus on my work and notice when I need a small break. In past I used to go to reddit or browse some other site whenever I couldn't focus anymore. Now I just take a small walking break and it's enough 🙂

Haven't updated for a while. Was visiting my parents and felt sort of freed out of all responsibilities, even though I worked from home. Being with my parents and sister did good to me and allowed me to recharge without my brains getting too obsessed about productivity. I was off Discord and internet for most of that time and it felt good. Having less screen time is good for me. Unfortunately I also relapsed on watching porn and had to reset my over 90 days counter. I'm very happy that I made it that far and believe that I can do it again. My relapse was rather slow process as in the beginning I was just reading some furry comics with no sexual themes, but I happened stumble upon some nude stuff. I thought it was ok since it wasn't sexualized and I still do think so. The problem is not seeing naked bodies, but instead seeing images that has a porn-like focus. I rationalized that seeing that content was ok for "research purposes". I know, it sounds funny af but as a person who likes to draw and want to improve in anatomy it makes sense. Then I started seeing actual porn images on DeviantArt, which is really weird to me that they allow so overly sexualized stuff there. In the end I relapsed to videos and now after a second day of watching P I want to keep it in control, to stop watching it again. I felt that I started watching more often on the second day and I don't want it to get out of hand again so it's wise that I just stop watching.

Congrats on getting your accounts removed! Reading your journal motivates me to find more activities for myself. Especially some social activities 🤔

The last couple of days have been ok for me. My sister visited me on Monday and we had fun eating outside and walking in some malls. I was happy that I was able to provide her a place to sleep for one night. Today I didn't have a productive time at work, as I kept browsing the internet and chatting with my friends. I even checked PlayDate console's game catalog even though I don't have one nor I really want one. This was my today's success: In the evening I felt bad about my workday and my work ethics. I was on a brink of just going to YouTube and dull my internal pain but decided to do the responsible thing and worked for 30 minutes in order to pay back my lost time during the work day. It really paid off as I managed to finish fixing the bug I was really confused about the whole day. Getting it done and following my values of being a honest worker made me feel great! I have recently used some of my free time to sell stuff I don't use anymore on the local Craigslist and I've so far made 80+ euros by selling my old drawing tablet, a boardgame and a computer mouse. Feels good to finally get rid of those things that have been lying around for years.

This week Had a good work week. I didn't feel like my energy levels went low at any point of the week. Spent some time with co-workers playing table flippers and it was fun even though I was terrible at it. Got to talk with new people there too. At first I thought I would've wanted to go home early and just relax at home but I ended up staying and enjoyed my time. Today I made some pancakes in the morning and then visited my friend for the whole day. It was a lot of fun to meet him! Dream future me and letting go I've had this sort of an obsession towards drawing and wanting to become good at it for years now. Yesterday I started thinking whether it's not good for me to think about drawing and wanting to become great at it. I have had it for a long time and have seen it as a goal, though I never seem to want to actually reach it. I feel like it has been a coping mechanism of sorts as I have seen that dream self as a "back-up plan" in case my current career f's up, even though I have very stable work atm. Whenever I drew, it was mostly to get acceptance from others or to challenge myself. Not purely for fun. For example I drew for other people and was sort of waiting for a praise or them showing thankfulness after receiving a drawing. I think I've had a toxic relationship with my drawing hobby as I don't really want to do it but it sort of makes me feel hopeful, but also regretful because I don't draw as much as I "should". I want to let go of expectations on drawing. If I draw, I want it to be for fun, not because I have at some point set this path for myself to become a great artist. I don't even know why I want to become great at drawing anymore. I don't even know what I would like to draw well... I feel like I have just built this goal just because I want to have some goal, to have something to live for. Giving up and letting go of this dream version of myself is very scary though. It feels like I am denying success from myself and that I am saying no to the great future I would have. But I know that the future has not happened so it's not true. It's a dream version of myself and it's not true. It is hard but I have to let go of this it and if I want to pursue drawing, I need to rebuild my expectations from the ground up.

Hi, a fellow game dev here. I work for a AA game studio that I don't want to mention for privacy reasons. I personally avoid playing the games and focus on observing what others like about the reference games through videos or by letting others test the game I am developing. In my opinion finding the fun in games through other people can be very rewarding since people see and enjoy different things in each game. I would start by asking who are you making the game for? You might want to read the book "The Art of Game Design" by Jesse Schell as it touches some different ways to approach game design that doesn't require you to play video games. If you work more on the programming or art side, getting usability feedback or opinions from others is even easier since you don't need to experience the addictive parts of the reference games in order to analyze what makes the game "so much fun".

Taking a small walk to get some water and then looking outside though the window while sipping the water is my go-to. I might also plan what I want to do in the evening or tidy up my surroundings

Sounds terrible! I can't imagine how bad it might feel to be in your situation. I wish all the good to you. I hope the medication you received will help and that it won't get worse, being in pain sucks...

Quick update: During the weekend I went to a nearby library and spent an hour there reading a book about minimalism. I borrowed that and two other books to read at home later. Yesterday I had a tough day. In the evening I started feeling down for some reason, don't know why. My gf called me and it cheered me up. Today I worked quite late and I didn't even feel that tired afterwards. Perhaps going for a walk outside and reading more books recently has something to do with it? I also had an urge to buy something online. I wanted to get a otomatone instrument ("just 30 euros!!") but I realized that I already have a melodica that I hadn't used for a while. On my lunch break I played it and was surprised how well I could play it after a while even though I played piano for just a year/two in past. Good day overall. Happy about how "normal" my life feels now. I feel no urges to play any PC games.

Indeed, for me it'll still take some time to get used to more mundane activities, but I believe that if I can push my desire forward enough, passion will follow. As for skiing, it's a possibility here since it's very snowy but the landscape mostly allows cross-country skiing that isn't my thing. My feet get way too cold with that😅 I'm happy that you've found a thing you love however, it makes me hopeful that I'll find something similar 🙂

Sigh, I relapsed today. On another note, I made it through a week! Now I can do it again for sure 🙂 I ended up playing modded Elden Ring with my friends. I originally thought that hey maybe it could be fun to play some even though the game had become a chore in the past. I had seen my friends play it the past 2 days and it seemed interesting. In the morning I googled the mod's wiki a bit (big mistake, it just made me want to play it more) and told one of my friends that the mod seemed interesting. I felt like I had made a promise with my friend when I showed my interest, as in our group we're very welcoming of others joining. After my workday I was fighting with my PC to get the mods work for 60 minutes. I was about to give up on it but then on the last try I got it to work. We played for 2 hours and for the whole time I felt agitated and stressed because others wanted us to just go quickly from one place to another. I felt frustrated and like I was lacking freedom while playing but I continued with hope of the game becoming more fun if I just gave it a chance. It never started to be fun. After those 2 hours, I told my friends that I've played enough and I was getting tired so we stopped playing. After that I tried one Final Fantasy rhythm game demo on Switch, as we're about to play it with my friend locally in a couple of weeks. I'm happy that I've managed to set up a face-to-face meeting with him. The game was ok but once I had played some songs that I didn't enjoy and I had to play through them to get a chance to unlock a song I like, I started to question that do I need to play the game to enjoy the music of Final Fantasy series? The answer was no. I could just listen to the music without playing the rhythm game or the FF series. I searched YouTube to check how long some of the Final Fantasy games are in "movie format" and I was surprised that even many of the old ones were over 6 hours (newer ones are longer). And that's without all the grinding! I could watch several movies with the time I would play through one game. Why did I relapse? I have a couple of things that are my biggest guesses: I went sleep way later than usual and felt a bit bad about it. I let myself indulge in browsing a game wiki. I watched my friends' gaming stream and it made me more interested in the game even though I originally knew I don't enjoy playing anymore. Weekend is starting. Weekends are always my biggest weakness since I see how much time there is to spend. My thoughts tell me that gaming is an easy way to kill time and have "fun", even thought it isn't. I also sort of want to escape weekend since I see it as an opportunity of change and I'm afraid of missing that opportunity. Therefore I escape the fear of failure to gaming. After playing those 2 games for a total of maybe 3 hours, I went for a walk. Bought some groceries and on the way thought about my gaming problem. I realized that I was slightly afraid of letting my friends down if I quit playing Elden Ring now. In the end when I got home I immediately told my friends that I don't enjoy playing ER and that they should continue without me. Another friend of mine who has a problem enjoying games nowadays was agreeing with me on my issue of not getting any enjoyment from games anymore and I felt supported. Next steps I already uninstalled Elden Ring. I also uninstalled the FF rhythm game demo. I need to come up with something to do during the weekend. I'll learn more about fitness as I noticed how my core strength isn't on the level I'd like it to be. I work on computer for my daily job and therefore it's especially important to take care of my body on my free time. I'll explore my fear of not getting things done during the weekend and let myself to not do much with my free time. I don't want to have too much pressure on my free time. It's my free time after all.

Welcome Hal! Happy to hear you've found courage to stop. Good luck on your journey! 🙂

You're 100% right. It really feels like I'm between two worlds: gaming and my ideal life. I started reading a book "Things that matter" by Joshua Becker and just after reading the first chapter I feel that it's going to help me to define my ideal life if I just put in the work that's required from me to do so. At the moment I feel a bit lost since my life has always ran around video games and losing that one stable thing from life really breaks the solidity of my perspective of what life really is. It's really eye opening how much removing one thing from life can affect a person.