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On the road to a better life ... - My way out of the addiction.


nils
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2nd of June:

Lazy day today. I met a friend and we went for a walk together. Did nothing special in the afternoon and evening, just a little bit of cooking, watching some videos and playing and listening to music. Tomorrow I will start bouldering again.

I miscounted yesterday: I thought I had done 74 days of my detox, but I did 75 instead. So I edited my comment and corrected it.

__________

Today is day 76 of my gaming detox. No cravings for LoL. Riot account deleted. Next goal: 90 days without gaming (full detox).

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On 6/1/2022 at 4:10 PM, nils said:

Regarding habits, I want to improve my posture again. I have kind of a forward head posture due to years of sitting in front of the computer. I focused a lot on posture exercises in the past but have lost my consistency. So I need to get that right again. The good thing is, I still do stretching exercises on a consistent basis and have improved a lot in this area.

Ohh me too! Let's keep each other accountable hehe. I want to improve my posture as well 🙂

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  • 1 month later...
Posted (edited)

24th of July:

Hey guys! I am sorry for staying silent so long. I want to give you a short update now, but atm I dont have much time to do my journals.

The hard truth is: I relapsed. On my 3rd try I reached 76 days, but was not able to finish the last 2 weeks. Relapsing means that I went through the full process: I had no account, but after some nostalgia about LoL which lead to cravings, I actively (!) convinced myself that after reaching my big goal of becoming a doctor it is "okay" to reinstall the game for just a few days and play some games. Looking back at this now, I am surprised that I really created a new account, knowing that it didnt work out as planned in the past and I couldnt control myself when playing LoL.

The results: I played LoL for 2 weeks, not every day and not the whole day, but a lot of time was wasted back then. After 2 weeks, I got frustrated again by playing some bad games, also knowing that I cannot go on like this for the next years, especially when starting my first job (which will happen in a few months). So I uninstalled again and started another account deletion.

I havent reflected on this relapse as much as I should have, but I took some things from it:

  • Relapsing is OKAY. Its not a good thing ofc, but I dont need to feel ashamed. It means that I still struggle. But it also means, that I can get up again and move forward on my journey. For me, every relapse is an opportunity to learn something about myself.
  • I still dont have the right system for change. My environment stays the same. My work place and my place for gaming, being in the comfort zone etc. is the same. I need to change my environment and separate these things because I need to avoid the typical cycle:

               Nostalgia/Thoughts about LoL + being at my PC --> Cravings --> Youtube --> LoL montages --> more cravings --> reinstalling the game --> gaming

         Unfortunately my options for changing my workspace are limited atm due to the fact, that I still dont live in my own apartment where I have more than one room. I also need to work at my own PC for my medical thesis because I use a special licensed software. I will address this after moving out of my shared flat in October.

  • LoL still doesnt make me feel good. Its only my brain that tells me: "Here is a short-term reward. Go and get it!" In the longrun, it is just a waste of time and triggers my lack of self-confidence.
  • I got into bouldering even more now, every week I practice with a nice group of friends. That is a really good hobby that can fulfill my social needs as well.
  • Relapsing does not only happen because of the game LoL itself, a big part of it is due to my time on the internet. I need to find ways to cut my internet usuage down. One way I do this: I resumed my old hobby playing the guitar and play almost every day now for a couple of minutes 🙂

What has happened after the relapse? The good thing is: I immediately started a new detox run after the 2 weeks and I am doing pretty well. I avoided every trigger so far (I didnt search for a single info about LoL). No cravings. My account that I created over a month ago is now deleted. I am still sitting too much but I dont game that much. I still have some hobbies though for which I spent a lot of time on the internet.

I also started to work on my medical thesis again. I procrastinated a lot in the last weeks but I am working on it on a consistent basis again.

On 6/3/2022 at 4:23 AM, Pochatok said:

Ohh me too! Let's keep each other accountable hehe. I want to improve my posture as well 🙂

@ Pochatok Yeah, lets do that! 😃 How do you do so far? And do you have a posture routine?

I do a lot of stretching, combined with multiple chin tucks a day, some wall angels and exercises for my upper, middle and lower back against gravity. Still too much sitting, but I can elevate my work desk, so I can work while staying.

_____

Thats it for now. I wont update as much as I did in the past (going on vacation for 2 weeks now 😄). I still use habit tracking and cross out every day that I didnt play or watch LoL content. I dont want to break the chain. After my vacation I will have reached about 55 days, so I am on a good way again. Will I reach the 90 days this time? After my recent relapse, I really dont know. I wrote things in my last entries in the sense of: Nothing can stop me now from reaching the 90 days. That looks really stupid from my perspective now. It seems, I cannot trust my own words. But I keep trying, that is the best I can do.

Good luck to you all! See you after my vacation! 😊

__________

Today is day 39 of my gaming detox. No cravings for LoL. Riot account deleted. Next goal: 60 days without gaming (full detox).

Edited by nils
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  • 2 weeks later...
On 7/24/2022 at 1:22 PM, nils said:

, I am surprised that I really created a new account, knowing that it didnt work out as planned in the past and I couldnt control myself when playing LoL.

I think you're already doing this, so feel free to skip through this ramble 🙂 

Whenever I also feel suprised by a negatively-feeling action that I took, I try to look more deeply into my past experiences that could have led me to this moment. This way, that negatively-experienced action suddenly feels a lot more authentic to me, and that alleviates a lot of guilt and detachment. Aaccepting how much all of my issues and complexities really belong to me because of my past changes the process from erasure to replacement of whatever those issues are, and in a much more positive way, imo.

On 7/24/2022 at 1:22 PM, nils said:

I still dont have the right system for change. My environment stays the same. My work place and my place for gaming, being in the comfort zone etc. is the same. I need to change my environment and separate these things because I need to avoid the typical cycle:

So hard to break through! Something that has helped me, bit by bit, was simply re-arranging the furniture in my room whenever I would relapse. Even a minor rearrangement of what chair I sit on or where my PC is positioned on my desk help chip away at that habit. For me, moving my PC to a more public place (as I feel a lot of guilt playing video games in public lol) helped tremendously; I always keep it by the window (so that people passing outside help me avoid cravings) or in the guest room (when at home). 

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