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Nico's RESPAWN!


Nico Indigo
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First day. Oh boy. Actually it's more like my 30th first day. I haven't bought Respawn but I think I will. It might help, and it's a way to give back to Cam and the community.

I'm asking myself about the purpose of this journal. Is it really gonna help me? Hmmm. I'm willing to try and see where it takes me. I feel like treating this as a tool to sort out my feelings. I'd like to better know myself. I'd like to be more conscious of how I feel and what need I'm trying to meet whenever I get urges to game. It's so subtle. It's been achored in me for so long that sometimes I don't even know why I want to sit and play.

Anyhow, today was a such a mess at work. I got there late because I went to bed at 3am last night. My sleep schedule was out of control for the past couple of days. So I woke up shit faced. Took a cold shower (was my second day). That thing sucks but it's also pretty fucking great. Thank you Whim Hoff! Even though I'm just starting with 15-20 seconds, it feels refreshing and it boosts my self-esteem because I have the impression of doing something good for myself. Imma keep doing it everyday.

I haven't had any thoughts about gaming today. However, it usually starts when I get home from work. Which is now. I decided I'd come here instead instead of logging in. This is the toughest part of the day for me. So here I am...I'm thinking that a little game could be nice. But why??? What am I actually feeling right now? I definitely feel tired, but I also feel happy and calm. So what need am I trying to meet by playing? What do I really need now............... I need FUN, pleasure, I need to play! I feel like being creative and free. Being stuck at work all day I wanna enjoy the rest of my day by doing something I love to do, something I choose to do, not something I have to do. So what could I do instead of playing video games? 

My friend told me she'd like to go walk her dog. She can't get out because she's sick with Covid. That'd be fun! I could run and play with the dog! I love animals, they bring me closer to my heart. 

I have so much to say to this journal. So much to say to myself. It feels good to actually take time for me, for the real me.

My gaming problem, I realize, is also about avoiding things I'm scared of. I'm actually really good at the games I play, so it's safe, I feel empowered for a bit. The problem is that it doesn't last. It actually hurts my self-esteem in the long term. I feel ashamed sometimes when I play too much and I get depressed. I cut myself from other people, from the relationships I care about and want to develop. I want to truly love myself, but It's hard when I feel disconnected from who I am because I'm messed up from gaming so much. I sincerely believe that everything is connected in the universe, that everything is one. I share that divine light of consciousness. I have so much beauty and power inside of me, all humans do. It's time I let it out and trust myself, trust life. I've seen what it is to really live and truly be who I am. I've grown so much in the past 12 years, especially in the last 4 months. And yet, I sometimes feel terrified of failure and stressed out when I'm about to step out of my comfort zone. I get stuck on the blank page, wanting everything to be perfect. So much healing and growth to do. The only way out is self-love. I need to hold myself in a space of love and non-judgement -- welcoming everything that comes, and treat all these parts of me like hurt children knocking on my front door. 

So I choose to follow my heart, listen to my deepest self and move foward despite the fear. I choose to treat myself with kindness and patience.

I know I need to fill up my time with other activities to make sure I don't fall back to video games.

Here are the things I want to either start doing or keep doing:
-Meditation and breathwork at least once a day
-Cold shower  at least 5 times a week
-Get back to the gym, 3-5 times a week (5 times once I get back in rhythm)
-Kickboxing? (huge step out of comfort zone --  not sure if I'll do that yet, but I've been thinking about it)
-Music: keep working on my native american flute, learn piano and music theory
-Youtube channel: videos on spirituality and other things
-Outdooring: cross-country skiing, skating, snow shoe...
-Prep a workshop on empathy and conscious communication aka. NVC
-Work on my computer repair business
-Read 

Man, that's a lot of things. No wonder I'm stressed out and want to game to escape all of this...

I dunno what to do...I really want to do these things. One day at a time I guess. Maybe I could make a schedule, but I suck at following them. Meh

That's it for today. I'm glad I took this time.

Peace

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Day 2:

Just got home from work. Great day, stayed on track. Went to sleep early last night. Slept plenty. Felt refreshed in the morning. Took a cold shower and had a great meal before going to work. I'm feeling generally happy. Not gaming makes me feel better about myself. I feel I like I have plenty of time to do what I wanna do. 

No cravings so far, which is good. Tonight I plan on going to walk in the forest with my friend and her dog. It's nice outside, not too cold.

There really isn't much to say.

I'm waiting for this girl to come pick up my gaming tv that I just sold. I can't wait to get that bread to buy more flutes.

I need to stay disciplined and make sure I meditate tonight. I really wanna do this 8 weeks challenge of 15mins a day at least.

See you tomorow.

Peace

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Posted (edited)

I resisted! 

I'm so proud of myself! 

I almost gave in.

I was high last night. I smoked pot. I hadn't smoked in a while and I think it makes me crave gaming even more. No more smoking.

 

Edited by Nico Indigo
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Day 4: Success!

Had a great day outdoors. Nature carries high vibes. 

However, I'm feeling kinda sad and lonely tonight. Fuck this covid bullshit man, and this stupid curfew. 

Plus there's this girl I really like but it's not reciprocal. Maaaan, when am I gonna find her. I don't know why exactly, but it hurts my self-esteem.

Gonna try to meditate and then go to bed early, maybe the sadness will dissipate.

Peace

 

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Is it Day 5 already? 

Bro... NICE! I haven't gamed in 5 days! 

I craved a bit tonight though. Then I went and watched a video my friend posted it went away, I felt motivated by what she had said. She was talking about taking our power back by focusion on who you are, what you want, and to go create that instead of fighting or resisting something you don't want. 

I'm analzing my craving and it's very hard to tell why exactly I feel like playing. Today it happened as I felt joy. It's like my brain associates joy with games: "You're happy? Let's plaaaay!" Sorta..
But I also belive that like any human or even any mamal, I have the need to play. It doesn't mean to play video games, but just to play, like a child, like a dog or a cat... The problem is that my brain thinks that video games are the ultimate solution, the preferable way of meeting that need to play. Nothing feels as readily available and satisfying when I'm sitting at home. I know this is just a part of me, the real me knows that gaming isn't necessary to express anbd care for that playfulness. Dancing is something that comes to mind as an alternative solution. Put some music on and just let it go. Lately, playing with my friends huskies outside in the snow has also been something that really seemed to meet that need as well. I plan on working on my musical skills. Maybe music could do it to, but it's gonna take some time before I start getting good and really enjoy myself. 

Good night, epic success, im proud of me

Peace

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On 1/10/2022 at 5:05 AM, Cam Adair said:

Hey Nico, great work - keep it up man!

The myth, the man, the legend!! hahaha Hey Cam!! I'm finally here after all these years of being friends on Facebook! Thank you for the inspiration and encouragement. I'm doing great so far.

Didn't have time to write on day 6...

Another day another dolla. Day 6 was a success. I feel like I'm more commited than ever now that I'm part of this forum. It makes me even more accountable. I want to be 100% transparent here. It makes me think twice before going back to gaming. I didn't crave at all today, didn't have time to. I feel like eeverything is opening up now that I'm not spending so much time on the computer. The problem I'm having is wanting to do too many things. lol. I gotta find a way to make priorities.

What a great community of people here. Such beautiful human beings. I hope one day to pay it forward. Everyone here is inspiring me. 

Peace

 

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1 hour ago, Nico Indigo said:

What a great community of people here. Such beautiful human beings. I hope one day to pay it forward. Everyone here is inspiring me. 

Not a lot of time today but I wanted to send hearts to this!  :322_star:  ... only I can't find a heart emoji.  :7_sweat_smile:   Keep going Nico!!!

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Day 7 and 8

I'm on fire. I put some effort into my business to get myself known. I was waiting for the pandemic to end but apparently it just won't fucking go away so... Might as well find a way to make my business work in spite of it.

Steady with cold showers, I'm proud of that. I skipped meditation though. I really want to be disciplined with that. I also spent a little too much time on the computer last night watching youtube videos. I went to bed late because of it. I still feel pretty satisfied with myself. I'm already making tons of progress. Tonight I'm gonna go to bed earlier to make sure I get plenty sleep. 

Overall good days. Got pissed off though when our governement announed they were considering implementing a tax for non-vaccinated people. Shits going crazy here full 1984 style. Meh, I'm above all that nonsense. My light will shine through this darkness, this is just a spectacle.

Good night

Peace

Edited by Nico Indigo
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day 9!!

No games no craves

My focus today has really been to love myself and treat myself with kindness even though sometimes I feel tired and bummed out and don't want to do anything.

My true worth doesn't depend on what I do, but who I am.

That's it

Peace

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Day 10!

I like this number. Makes me happy! Life just gets better when you live it, here and now, not lost in your head in some virtual world.

Got lots of shit done today at work. I slowed down tonight. Took care of little things like eating well, cleaning and putting down some ads for the computers I'm selling. Spent some time chatting with friends and planning out my week-end. Tomorow is going to be awesome! 

Now I'm just going to play some flute and meditate. Time to get away from the screens to relax before sleep. Going to snowshoe tomorowwww morning in the woods with my friend. I miss the fresh air. Been inside all week.

That's it

Love you

Peace

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13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Really happy to see your early progress. Keep it up and remember to enjoy the moment. 

Thanks man, it's early after my most recent relapse period during the pandemic but I officialy stopped gaming 12 years ago. LoL

I must have relaped about half a dozen times since.

Growth is unlimited though.

Anywayz, day 11, had an amazing day. Nature, sex and community. High vibes

Tonight was kinda boring though. My diner was cancelled so I was home alone and I craved a bit. I managed. Now I have this nasty headache. I'm going to bed.

Peace

 

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On 1/11/2022 at 2:38 PM, The_Creative_Quitter said:

Not a lot of time today but I wanted to send hearts to this!  :322_star:  ... only I can't find a heart emoji.  :7_sweat_smile:   Keep going Nico!!!

oh and btw, thank you for that!! It's nice to see i'm not alone in here! hahaha

You guys are great, I really like reading your journals ♥

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21 hours ago, Nico Indigo said:

oh and btw, thank you for that!! It's nice to see i'm not alone in here! hahaha

You guys are great, I really like reading your journals ♥

Likewise!  And on the pandemic.. you're definitely not alone in your feelings lol...  Stay strong and keep going <3 

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Day 12.

Cozy sunday at home, alone. Cold showers are now 45 seconds. It's getting hard. The water is so cold at the moment. I opened up a game today and closed it 30 seconds later. I was just curious about updates but I didn't really want to play. Danger zone. 

It feels like time went by so fast today. Maybe I should start tracking my time usage, especially online. 

I haven't done any breatwork in days. I don't know why I resist so much. Lazyness. It's not very pleasant to breath like a mad man for 20+ mins. But man oh man it connects me right up with the spiritual side of things. It feels good. I'm wondering how I could better motivate myself. 

Back to my book

Goodnight

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Day 13

I played 1 minute. I really don't like the state of mind the game I was addicted to puts me in. It's low vibes. I mean ffs most games are about killing each other. I closed the game in disgust.

I still consider today a success.

I really don't feel like writting. I'm tired.

Good night

Peace

 

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Nico Indigo, I think it is so cool that you play the Native American flute. I adore listening to anything by Carlos Nakai. My favorite is his Canyon Trilogy: here. My ex was part Cherokee and he embraced his heritage as much as possible in today's world. 

You are doing great. A better life without gaming awaits us all.

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On 1/18/2022 at 10:56 AM, Luny said:

Nico Indigo, I think it is so cool that you play the Native American flute. I adore listening to anything by Carlos Nakai. My favorite is his Canyon Trilogy: here. My ex was part Cherokee and he embraced his heritage as much as possible in today's world. 

You are doing great. A better life without gaming awaits us all.

Oh wow! Carlos Nakai is the flute man by excellence (it's a french espression translated to english hahaha). He was the first popular player to embrace this style of flute with its pentatonic tuning. 

Oh yeah and my life is so much better without it. I feel like I'm living again! 
 

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Day 14-15

Back to the gym baby! I found myself an underground dojo/gym that stayed open despite covid regulations. Fuck yeah, man! Feels great. even though I'm sore all over.

I haven't gamed. I wasn't home for the most part of the last two days. It gets harder when I stay all night at home, espeically on week-ends. 

I love life, I love myself. Let's goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

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Day 16-17

Oh boy, I'm so happy to be surrounded by so many good people. All the friends I've been making since last summer is truly a source of great joy for me. We're bulding a tight knit community of like minded people. We're supporting each other, inspiring each other, and just having fun too. 

I bought a ticket to a two days retreat for men that my friends are organizing. I can't wait for next week-end. 

As for gaming, I played like 15 minutes today. I need to not let this get outta hand. That's how it started last time. I only played a dumb browser game though. It's like I don't even wanna play that much. I don't feel the urges as I used too. It's not a reason to fall back into it either. I need to keep going. I've got this. There are many things in my life right now that I feel much more exicted about: music, writing, working on my business, reading... games are like meeh, they don't sense anymore.

Alright, 

Peace

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Day 18

Finally got to sell my TV. It was the last gaming item I had. Today was a very productive day. I feel great. And tomorow is going to be nice too. I was invited to diner and I'll get a free Reiki massage. Noice! 

Peace

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On 1/21/2022 at 6:52 PM, Nico Indigo said:

It's like I don't even wanna play that much. I don't feel the urges as I used too. It's not a reason to fall back into it either. I need to keep going. I've got this. There are many things in my life right now that I feel much more exicted about: music, writing, working on my business, reading... games are like meeh, they don't sense anymore.

I know what you mean!!!  I was watching like 5 minutes of a LOTRO video (someone else running through and playing).  The person was describing all the "achievements" which I know are massive repetetive time-sinks.  All I could think was...How did I find that fun for soooo long???   I realize now I just wanted to escape into that environment, but the actual actions in-game inherently weren't 'fun' in and of themselves.  If we were to strip away the beautiful environment, relaxing music and story...  it's just moving through blank space and mashing buttons against a complex piece of pixel-geometry ad-nauseum - with a dopamine hit given on the "achievement" of "x spiders pew-pew'd"   lol :7_sweat_smile:     It's all vapor!

My brain must be re-adjusting (off the dopamine hits)..  I am so happy about it - so much more excited about real life accomplishments (or even little steps toward them) than I was before.   Enjoy your dinner, well deserved!

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