dandielionous

On day 60!

Wow @Robert Arctor @gankylosaurus why don't I just give up right now! Gees you two are depressing.

Day 15 7:50 AM I feel the world lie quiet around me as Christmas approaches. Thank you God for all you've given me.

@WorkInProgress Okay!

@MmmWatermelon My apologizes I did not mean it to be a personal attack against you.

@AlexTheGrape I have made it a goal to read one journal a day! I have come to understand that reading a journal the length of your's makes that an unrealistic goal. So I have changed that goal to limit the length of time I spend reading a journal each day and how late at night I can read a journal. I stayed up after 2 AM two nights reading your journal. So... DING! DING! DING! You are today's Grand Prize Winner! I have read your journal! wd

5:41 PM @Cam Adair Thank you for the Good Job! It means a lot that someone sees my small victories. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I look at my house and my yard. I see so many things I need to do. I defeat myself before I start. I must remember to celebrate my small victories. I went to the Post Office again today. I am getting up, getting dressed, taking a bath, brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, writing in this journal. I went to the grocery store. Something I rarely do. I made the right choice this time. Instead of fast food from the convenience store that costs too much and my body doesn't really want. I am writing in this journal. I am reading other journals. I have made 14 days. I am getting back some clarity... huh... what forgot what I was saying! lol (jkng) Time takes time. Everything on time and everything with time. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I feel tearful. I have felt tearful for about the last hour and a half. I think of how much I have fucked up. I think of the amends I need to make to people who were really good friends. I think of the amends I wish I could make to those who are dead and gone. I would sit down in the morning for just an hour... Days would go by. I know in my heart I can not play games. This isn't the first time I have lost everything behind playing a game. It takes a long time to repair a person's life after they after ran themselves just about as far down as they can. When I think of going back to gaming... I feel hate coming to me. I feel my whole interior changing. I feel vicious and evil. I am not that person. I am a person who has a temper. I am a strong person. I am a brave person. I am not afraid. I am independent. I don't like to ask things from others and I'm honest to a fault. I wonder how much of the fight/flight response the gaming developers are tapping into. I am a person who will fight. This is a negative emotion. Hate is a negative emotion. That book Hooked talks about tapping into negative emotions hooks people more. I wonder if people who will fight and have tempers get addicted more than introverts and people who do not have tempers. Okay not tearful anymore. I am not alone.

@gankylosaurus Well really gankylosaurus let's say you never officially tried the 90 days before because you never introduced yourself. Aaaaand since this is the first time you are writing a journal? Let's just say this is the first time you have officially tried! Soooooooo ready, set, go!

@sjoti I see a lot of people who feel after 90 days that they are strong enough to take care of their own lives. But what about us that are behind you. We need your experience, strength and hope.

@phpsmith I got 5 days! I posted this here when I first started Gratz On 5 days!

@MmmWatermelon On around 60 days lol I used to live with a man who made his living by gambling on chess. He gave up his college, family, home for chess. He was very close to a Grand Master. He played on the street in New York City in Times Square. There used to be a long row of backgammon and chess boards there run by Bobby D. Every once in a while the police would come along and tear it down. Most of the men who played there didn't have homes. One of the men would climb over top of a building down into an abandoned building to sleep at night. They found him froze to death with $900 on his person. My Ex would come to bed with Chess books on strategy and a little practice chess board that had pockets on it so the pieces wouldn't fall out. It rolled up. You know how that makes a woman feel when a man brings a chess board to bed every night? I would seriously look at how many hours a day you study chess, play chess and ask yourself what is the end goal here?

Day 14 (Two Weeks! Cheer!) 10:50 AM Well I have exhibited very bad behavior. I made a goal to read one journal a day. That was going pretty well until I started reading @AlexTheGrape Journal. Then my gaming behavior reared it's ugly head. I started pushing through to finish the journal. lol I didn't realize at first it was 51 pages. lol So I worked as hard as I could the first night, second night, I am up to my fifth day or fourth not sure on reading Alex's journal. lol The past two nights I have sat up until after 2 AM reading his journal! So I see that I am going to have to set some type of limit on time for reading journals. But I am definitely going to have to shut it down by 10 PM. So I make it a goal to read an hour or two of journals a day. Unless the journal is a quick little niblet. I did go to the Post Office yesterday. I will continue trying to do that every day. And walk to the harbor on Sunday.

You men are like the blind leading the blind! loolololololoooololol I was a pvper. I was a solo player. And I pvpd because I wanted to kick your ass! I hate digging and crafting! One of the major problems I had in the game was men couldn't seem to accept the idea of a female pvper! So put that in your pipes and smoke it! @Cam Adair and I live alone!

@Tatu92 I notice a lot of the younger players that have been playing most of their lives struggle with this. While I consistently have to struggle to shut my mouth.

Hi!

1000-Day-Challenge

I told him Merry Christmas.

@Schwing Have you read AlexTheGrape Journal? It's a long read. But he's got this whole thing about getting up, doing ten minutes of meditation, taking a run, then a cold shower... Might be something there.

This is a test for a countup timer. Well that didn't work

That's from Santa!

Welcome

Welcome You're in the right place.

Day 13 10:00 AM The leaves are changing colors. Soon they will be falling from the trees. Winter has come early and hard this year. I am afraid of global warming. It is not so cold today. I have so much to do. I feel as though I am coming out of a haze. I can look out the window. I can be aware of my surroundings. I sat all last summer in my house with no air conditioning and my computer making the room hotter in one of the hottest summers South Texas has ever recorded playing game. I spent two months broke out in prickly heat all over. But my mind was in Ryzom. I didn't live in this world. I could seriously lose myself from my surroundings. I used to wish I could just live inside my computer. Wow, I never thought I would end up like this. All the hopes and dreams of a lifetime. All the times I have tried to succeed... Thrown away gaming. At this point all I see is so much nothingness in front of me, like a milk-white haze and then death. This is what I have left myself. I had a good friend that died last year. An older gentleman (possibly 85). I was friends with him and his wife. He had more in common with me because we were both working on fixing the computers for the computer club here. There is a person who was really truly my friend. If he did nothing else before he died, he showed me that. Funny I can remember his wife's name and I can't remember his lol. He told me when I turned 60 that I could accomplish as much in the next 25 years of my life as I had in the last 25. That it wasn't over. It's just a new beginning after 60. So I have taken these precious years and thrown them away with both hands. Okay, okay I remember his name now. God what have I done to my memory. One day at a time, one day at a time. I will not game today. The sun has gone behind the clouds again. My soul feels starved for sunlight. Even if it is cold today. I will bundle up and at least walk to the Post Office. It's only two blocks, okay three, from my house. I think I will make a new goal. Each day I will write in this journal. Each day unless it's really raining, I will walk to the Post Office. That should give me a start to my day. Bit by bit, day by day...

I love red rooibos tea