Regular Robert

@Reno F Oh, I believe it. Sometimes it feels, like we are having an epidemic of frustrated old men seeking powerful positions. Not talking about the situation in the US or something. More locally. People around here tend to be really unfriendly. Always seeking a chance to pick a fight. Of course, this is heavily generalized, but I feel there is a tendency. @hycniejsy Since winter is coming, I would say you find something that grows even when it's cold outside. On another note, depending on how far you want to go, you could actually grow potatoes in a barrel. Since you are a scientist, you could probably use them to distill vodka or make some great kopytkas. Best served with fresh mushrooms in dark sauce. Nom. Day 28: Robert does not feel well today. Since I picked up writing diary entries on a daily basis, I want to keep that post short once again. (This time for real!) I did not get any sleep last night. All these great ideas of what I want to try out, learn or do keep me awake at night. Underneath that ADD-tunnel-vision-finger-eating-rampage lies a subtle form of frustration. There are several reasons for this frustration. One is, that I keep being re-traumatized. When I visit a doctor, I have to explain my whole history of sicknesses, which is pretty darn much and keeps drawing me back into certain situation. In other situations, when I talk to people, especially people I do not know, they constantly ask why I am 30 and on the brink of nothing at all. lol. One time, I told the girl in the subway that I was in prison for 8 years for illegal wildlife trade. It might sound dumb, but making up that stupid, sarcastic lie is easier than to go back in time and re-experience the whole thing that nearly killed me. Depending on how deep I dive into the situations, I will fall into seizure attacks that endure for up to 30 minutes. That is no fun at all. After such conversations, I could pick up my calendar and strike through the next 20 days because I will be anxious, frustrated, irritated and I will get no sleep. Because when it gets all dark and silent, there is nothing to distract a person from his or her own thoughts. When the world reduces the speed of its spin, memories, doubts and sadness will come knocking. And loneliness will open the door for you. And then, when you stand there at the cold buffet with all your dark, suppressed memories, with all your doubts you tend to ignore most of the times, when Hitler hands you the karaoke mic, life does not feel that great anymore. Everything will take a lot more willpower to even get started. I mean, yeah. Basically, everything is alright, since that is life. Tough work, tough luck and still one continues to live it. The other thing that keeps bugging me is the fact that I tend to stack my daily goals. The more I am capable of finishing, the more I will set the next day. But, ever since I quit the games, there is no "compensation" to all the work. Sometimes, I reward myself. But a real relaxing activity is still missing in my life. Gaming combined everything. Now that it is gone, my pockets are empty. And all work and no play makes Robert a dull boy. I will figure something out in the future. I believe, time and patience is the essence that I am missing. I did not create a life of joy and fulfillment. I created a life of distraction, irritation and loneliness. Now, right now, I am probably still in the process of painting over the old wallpapers to form a new life, where I do actually find recreation. Everything seems to be in a transition lately. Everything seems to be changing massively. I might be mistaken and it might just be a passing season but to me it feel like everything is changing. That is basically it for today. I am looking forward to posting a more positive entry. To posting some pictures again. I like taking pictures. I might add one picture of something I found in the attic. I am sorting out a lot of stuff lately, so thing keep... "appearing". Till the next time... brothers and sisters!

@hycniejsy Probably all the great herbs. When I had my garden, I loved to have fresh herbs for my salads. But to the honest, the best thing about having a garden is that feeling of being self-reliant. You grow the stuff you eat. You can or pickle it. You "recycle" it by turning it into compost which will feed your dirt from which you will grow food again. When I looked out and saw the rain, I was happy because I knew that it would water all my plants at the same time. No work for me, just sitting under that roof with a hot tea, listening to music or reading a book. You know, everything makes sense when you are in the "wilderness". Every action serves another action. And you can feel that you are a part of it. It's just great. @Cam Adair Thank you, pal! I am happy to be a humble part of this community and I believe I don't need to mention that I love what you created here. I hope to see this project grow. Who knows, may be in like 10 years, when there are tons of studies about how the entertainment industry turns people into powerless, exhausted people, we can say, we were part of the resistance from the first day forth. @Reno F You're not mistaken. There are such gardens. I had a rental garden myself. But to be honest, I grew tired of the ... German attitude. If the government does not tell you what to or not to do in your garden, trust me, your elderly neighbor will. When it comes to angry, white old men that lack the feeling of purpose and try to compensate that by telling others what to do, Germany is probably leader of the top list. And it is just no fun if you feel the eyes upon you when you tend your plants. So that's why I gave my garden away. And now that I plan to live my life with more purpose and more movement, I guess it would be good to have the least amount of anchors in my life. So, for now ... no garden for Robert. Day 24: Well, I will try to make this a quick one, since its pretty late already and yadda, yadda. The last three days went really smooth. I do not really know where to start, so I will try to use some keywords, that shall help me get this thing going. Confidence. One of the main feelings I experienced recently was confidence in a variety of situations. I am currently trying a new thing. Whenever I feel that I do not dare to do something that I would actually like to do, I try to stop thinking and just do it. It was great. Seeing that once you enter the door that is labeled "my fears", there is nothing but an empty room with a flickering light and dust on the furniture is great. And it kept me going. Honestly, my feet hurt because I was constantly involved in something. At some point - I think it was yesterday - it became a real chore. As said, my feet hurt and I could not stop thinking of new stuff that I wanted to do for a long time. I have to actively stop myself from doing or thinking, which feels weird since most of my life, I was being held back. It's really strange, but I know why I do this. So, since I want to keep my head clean and tidy - the inside of my head of course - I expanded and improved my way of keeping track. At first, I had a simple document labeled "daily goals". Inside was a table with the date, the goal and the ✓ or ✘. I realized that this is not sufficient for me to actually keep track of what I want to do. I remembered once of Cam's vids, where he talked about doubling down after the 90 days detox. He said that one should really determine what he wants to achieve. Like exercise for X times a week. That was the part I really liked. Flexibility combined with determination. So I created a weekly goals list as well. This list will just be there as a pool of goals that I can easily implement in my daily schedule. Also, I created a long term goal list in which I set deadlines for myself. Sometimes having a little pressure on a goal can actually help. And last but not least, I created a idea pool list with stuff that I would like to do some time in this life but not tomorrow. Some people - and I am one of them - get easily excited and produce tons of ideas, but can only execute a minority of them. But since one's head should not be occupied storing and trying to remember 12 ideas I might try in 4 years from now, it's cool to have a storage. So, my tracking system is in place and optimized. Love it. My sleep was not great. Really not great during the last couple of days. But that is because of the full moon. Not sure why, but around the day when there is a full moon, I have extreme troubles at night. Another positive thing I noticed is my wallet. It's so heavy lately. I would usually buy cigarettes and steam games but now I am left with more money. That's really cool. But to be entirely honest, I tend to spend it on food a lot. I always loved to eat great food and I am currently getting back on that track. So my fridge is stuffed with greenish products. I even went so far, that I wanted to prepare something "special" for my girlfriend. Some nice meal we usually do not have. There was this recipe stuck to a bottle of white wine, which I used as a foundation for the meal I prepared for her: Gratinated goatcheese, served with an apple-date-pine nut-maple syrup sauce, on a bed of salad greens with shallots, sprinkled with apple vinegar and herbs of the Provence. Trust me, I never ate something like that and it was awesome. It wasn't even that hard to make and it was tons of fun. My girlfriend loved it. I'll add some pictures to this entry. Aside from that, I found some other possibilities to spend some money. My current project, the basement and the TV show episode are moving slowly, but steadily. Well okay, the basement is good as finished. I just need to buy some shelves, a little paint and such and it's done. But although I totally bragged about having more money ( , I am kidding ), this is an arid month. All the purchases for Christmas, Jeeeesus. But yeah, my personal deadline is set for the 5th of December and until then, the basement will be finished. One thing I might have to be careful about is pinterest. Ever since I have more time, I keep searching for new stuff to do and learn. Recipes, DIY stuff and so on. Pinterest keeps feeding me pictures of the stuff I like. Food, canned food, bicycles, woodwork and so on. This is basically like porn. Everything I would love to do pops up in front of my eyes. While it can be nice to look for a particular recipe or find a new idea, it can also suck somebody into that consumer spiral that I am currently trying to fight. So, if I am going to block pinterest in the future, that's the reason why. That's basically it for now. I am currently enjoying the free time I have with my girlfriend. It is so great to have her around. Tomorrow will be a great day as well, since we want to tidy up the attic. There is so much old stuff that nobody wants anymore. That will be a good project. Before that, I will go running, while she joins me on her bicycle - rocky style. So much fun. P.S.: One picture shows the joy of gardening, it's old but it reminds me of warm sun rays, fresh air, chili and avocado plants, dirt and how thing and weak I was after surgery. Just look at my pants and shirt. They did not fit anymore. I simply reminds me that life is constant change. I like that.

Love it. Like you said, it looks more professional and still transports all the necessary information. A modern looking, well arranged website!

Welcome Ben! I believe many of the answers you seek are to be found in the forums. For now, I can only wish you the strength and the courage to move forward on the path you have chosen!

Day 21: Back to writing my journal. 3 weeks "without" gaming. During the three weeks I tried the "social gaming" twice. My girlfriend wanted to play something together, so I joined and tried it. Like I said in a different thread, I did not really like it and I would rather not do it again. Once away from the games, everything else feels so much better, thus games are kind of boring and shallow. I feel a lot more active lately. I get stuff done. I went to visit my mother, which was quite nice. She was happy that I swung by to say hello. Usually, I have issues when it comes to riding a train, but these anxieties seem to constantly get better. I like it that way. Though, I still have to find more activities. Especially for Sunday and for days when I do not want to spend any money at all. Free activities that are not really demanding. Today, I wrote for like 2 hours straight. With no real breaks. It was really good, but afterwards, I felt tired. My mind was tired. Instantly, I thought about how great it would be to play a "relaxing game". Just like the old days. I did not do it, of course. But in times like these, I see that I am missing activities. I will look into that particular problem. Another problem is my sleep. I am really tired right now. 8 o' clock and I am really tired. That happens often lately. In the old days, I was never really tired. I should have been, but due to the fact that my mind was bound to a game, like my eyes were bound to a screen, I did not feel that I was tired, although I was. Nowadays, I get tired easily. I hope that this is only a temporary "jet lag" and that I will find my balance at some point. Aside from that, I am really feeling good. I love that my day is filled with interesting stuff. That I can actually feel my life. Also, it is day 7 without smoking. My girlfriend still smokes and I really, really, really would like to just have one, but I know that this is only an old habit. Though, this is a tough time. Not playing was kind of easier, because the triggers are easy to dodge, at least in my life. But people smoke around me like... all the time. I will get over it, but right now, it is tough. I cannot lie about that. My current short-term goals are the basement and a writing project. The basement is self-explanatory. It looked like crap and was entirely crowded with stuff I could not even remember owning. Now, it is transforming into a room at least. Within the next three weeks, I want to turn it into a usable workshop for my bike. A place where I can spend time crafting, maintaining and repairing stuff. Always loved that. Miss it. Want it back in my life. So, three weeks. Does not have to be a beauty in the beginning, but I want it to function. After that, I can always place ribbons on stuff to make it look gorgeous. The other goal is a writing project. I bought myself a new software. I mentioned that in an early entry. So, I still have to learn how to use this software efficiently and of course, I should actually put it to use. I used it for another project, but I do not want to have to many construction sites at the same time, so I focus on older stuff that should be easier to start with. Within the next three weeks, I want to get one episode of a fictive TV show done. This should teach me how to use the majority of the functions of the said software. Three weeks from now. If I fail, it'll be okay for me. 'Cause, like... if I make it half way through and than get a blockade, I still managed to finish half of it within three weeks. That is more than I finished in the past three years. So if I fail, I want to fail good. Real good. But let's not talk about failure. Everything will be cool in time. The rest of the time, I will work on making daily goals a habit. Three weeks are not enough for me to turn a chore into a habit. I am a slow habit-creator. Well, that's okay for me. I will go on and I am convinced that even if it is tough, really tough, sometimes, it will be better in the future. Can't wait to see how deadlines work for me. So, till the next time... Edit: A thing that I forgot and still would like to mention: I really miss gardening. I miss having a garden. I miss sitting in the dirt, watching the ground live. I miss tending plants, harvesting. I miss being part of my own little wilderness. I thought about having a garden a lot in the past days. I do not want to buy another piece of land, because I want to be unbound. Free, just in case I want to leave. Just in case I have to heed a call. You know, adventure awaits out there. But I really miss it.

So, I tried it during the last days. For exactly two times. The first time was alright, I enjoyed my time playing with my girlfriend, making fun of each other because of our fails in combat and progressed a little in the story. It was "alright". I have to stress this word: "Alright". It wasn't awesome, it wasn't furchtbar, it was alright. The second time was yesterday. We tried to play Helldivers and after that a few matches of Rocket League. Those are more like Mario Party, different from Divinity which has a full co-op campaign with an actual story and such. I wanted to see if there is any difference. There is not. It was "alright" again. What I realized both times though, was that video games now bore me. I feel like I do not want to play them, because they do not give me those great feelings I had during the last 19 days, when I worked on my daily goals, routines, went out to the city, took drinks in a bar. All that gave me pretty darn good feelings. Everything was exciting and fun. Yesterday, while playing socially, I had problems concentrating because in my head, I was thinking about tidying up the basement. I was really into it, but not into the games. After that, I told my girlfriend to browse through the steam shop a little. (I do not touch the mouse to browse through games) I felt no interest. Nothing. I was bored by all the games that look the same. So after turning the PC off, I went to bed. And I wondered, why I do not want to play games. I found 3 reasons: 1. I never played excessively when I was alone. I never played single-player games excessively. But, I played online-multiplayer games with my online friends excessively. Like, always. In that case I think it is really the opposite, like: I never played not-excessively with my online friends. We would constantly switch games, that are mostly competitive like mobas or deathmatch-esque and play until 4 am or later. In the past months, I was usually the one that wanted to switch the game, because I felt that this one or that one was just a waste of time and so on. So, without the influence of my online friends, there is little desire to play at all. (Don't get me wrong, its not like I am innocent and they are the temptation, but it's different to be part of a group or alone. And once you make some online friends that share the same interest in the same games like you, you will most likely become a group). 2. The instant-gratification does not really work anymore, once you understand it. Once you understand that you are level 12 because you pressed a few buttons at the right moment, the gratification does not really kick off. At least, that's the case for me. On the other hand, during the 20 days of detox, I learned to feel the long-term-gratification again and that was really awesome. For example, when I mentioned the basement, that is an example for long-term-gratification. After tidying it up, it was still a mess, but a way better mess that showed tons of potential to make it an awesome workshop for my bike. 2 days ago, the trash men took away the bulky trash, so that I can begin tidying up once again and it looks way better already! Now, every time I go down to get my bike or a screwdriver, I feel that this place would still be a horrible mess if I did not choose to clean up. And I feel good about it. I feel gratification for an action I performed 2 weeks ago whenever I see the result. And that is what I want to fill my life with. I want to walk through my life, being high all the time because of all the great things I have done to improve my mind, body, living place. (The being high all the time is just an exaggeration, but you get what I mean. Being happy because of the shit one has done.) There is another example for that gratification: I began to work out again. 20 days ago, I began to work out again any my girlfriend constantly tells me that I look like I have grown, at least my upper body. That is, of course, not true. The physical results take a while before they show, but what shows instantly is the different pose one sits, stands, walks with. When you train your body, you feel stronger afterwards. You feel capable. And that shows instantly. And it is great if you can notice that your whole attitude, your whole way of seeing things and your whole physical pose goes from "sitting hunchback that stares blankly at a display at 4 am" to "upright standing person that feels capable of solving his or her own issues". In short: You feel motivated to do more, face other challenges and improve even more. And motivation is the best way to get long-term-gratification, because you will always do and learn something and afterwards, there is so much to look back at. 3. That is a real simple reason: I feel like I am too old to play video games. I really do. Ever since I turned 30, my inner feelings changed. I am no kid, no young adult anymore, I am an adult. I still have the joy and the interest of a child in my soul, I am still young in mind, but I feel I am too old to be mildly and mindlessly entertained the whole time. I feel like I am capable of creating something now, and that is what I want to do. Create stuff, not consume stuff. I'd rather create a game, than play one. Like that. So, yeah. In sum: Social Gaming does not work for me. It bores me and I don't feel good while doing it. My mind is somewhere else, already working on all the project. That's a great picture to imagine by the way: Imagine a slightly transparent version of you, dressed with that cool belt tool, stands in the garage, hammering some piece of wood. While another version of you, also transparent, sits on the couch or in front of the computer. And then, the last version gets up, moves into the garage and the first version says: "Finally, you came around". And all of the sudden, the two versions become one fully fleshed out, saturated you. Sounds crazy, I know. But that is how I feel lately. Connected to myself. More complete. And I have a feeling that I can focus on one life now that I got rid of my virtual life. P.S.: Sorry for the wall of text.

I know, you're not from Jamaica and probably not so much into bob-sliding, but its about finishing something! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whytAReStUQ My entire respect! I am glad you made it and can't wait to see what you do with the rest of your life now. Great job, great job!

Ello Matty, you cunt. I believe, British people use the word like it was nothing. A little different to the Americans. I welcome you to the forum. Glad you decided to take control over your life and live it to the fullest. However, I don't want to be a smart arse, but regarding your goals: It makes sense to set realistic goals for the near future aaand to clarify those goals. As said, not trying to be a smart arse here, but if you want to measure your success, you should have measurable goals. Let's take the drumming for example. It makes sense to phrase that goal in a fashion that you can measure it. "I want to practice drumming at least once a weak". You don't have to. But I believe that this will help you. Because every time you fulfill this goal, you will have a tiny success on your road to your big success. Also, don't overload yourself with goals. The detox itself can be quite hard and the more goals you "ought'a fulfill", the higher the chance you will fail. Failure can result in the opposite of goal 1: Increasing self-hate and then in possible relapses. I believe, in the beginning, it makes sense to focus on local things. Aside from that: Enjoy your time in the forum, rock hard and I wish you the best of luck, the best of strength for your dreams and goals!

@Simon E In hindsight, I believe that feeling lonely was one of the reasons why I played daily. Even if you live in the same apartment with somebody else, you can feel and be alone. If you have a memory that you did not share, a scary or sad memory, you will probably feel alone with it. And I often felt alone with my troubles ... a lot. But having fake company does not satisfy. Not at all. All the hours I played with online friends ... I don't really miss them. Because after all, I was alone the entire time. I might have had a few voices in my ears, due to teamspeak, but I was alone in my head. Not even in the room. The dog was always there, but I could not see it. I was alone around people and that does really suck. But now, when I have real company, nice people around me, I feel fulfilled. That is the kind of company, the kind of talk, the kind of social life I want to have. Social media, video games, they all just give the impression of being part of something. But when the power lamp on the computer ceases to shine, one is left in the real world again. And all these things he or she is part of, are so far away. Don't get me wrong. It's great when you participate in things, even in things far away, but before you act globally, you better make sure that you have a foundation ... locally. Like, when you spread your arms, this is the area where you should work, enjoy, love, kiss, cry. And if something is out of reach, it is important to get there. With ones feet and arms. Not with ones fingertips on the keys. Getting off track again ... time to sum up. So, I agree with you entirely. This darkness inside can only be lit up by real company that actually care whether we live or not.

@Cam Adair, @WorkInProgress Thank you guys! I am happy to be a part of this. Not only because I benefit from quitting games, but also to witness other people taking this action in their lives. Really grateful to be a part of it. @AlexTheGrape Thank you, mate. I really appreciate these words of kindness and don't worry, I totally understand that one cannot comment all the journal entries. Like I stated above, I am just glad to be a part of this community. There is no actual place for game quitters, where they could talk, share stories and support each other. No patting shoulders, nothing. So it's just awesome to be part of this community and see it grow into a safe haven for people who want to change. Day 15 - 17: Ever since my girlfriend entered her holiday phase, I decided to switch from daily journal entries to one in three days. The thing is, when my girlfriend is around, quitting games is a hell of a lot easier! Of course it is, but I feel the necessity to mention this and explain that to my future-self: So, dear future Robert. When or if you ever read this journal entry, know one thing: You are not alone. That is very important. When your woman is around, you have somebody to talk. You don't have to go to the supermarket alone. You can walk the dog with her. Everything shines when you can do it with a person you really like. That's why I did not have any cravings lately. The opposite is the case! I tried the social gaming thing, yesterday. We played Divinity. It was her choice and she wanted it. I agreed and joined, keeping all the thoughts that other people shared with me regarding this topic in my conscious mind. I was ready to get cravings. I was ready to get sucked into that world. But none of that did happen. When you know how the instant gratification machinery works, it can be kind of entertaining. When I gained a level in the game, I reminded myself that I did not gain a level in the real life. And it was really easy. We spent some time, we talked, we ate and we laughed. And at some point, we did not want to go on. We both felt tired and saved the game to continue it at some point in the near future. It was easy to shut the game down. It felt okay. Well, it felt more than just okay, in fact: I wanted to close the game, because I had enough of the entertainment it delivers. After we stopped playing, I opened my notebook to check my emails and there were 2. One from "HumbleBundle" and one was the "FinalDraft Newsletter". First, I opened the Bundle e-mail. But I was not interested in the new games bundle. I did not care at all. And for a fact, no matter which game they would have offered, I could not find a way to care. One of my old behaviors wasn't only playing games, it involved buying games as well. Having a huge backlog guarantees that you will always have something to play. Anyway, I closed the damn mail. Then, I opened the FinalDraft e-mail and read about the annual writers competition. I just bought the software a few days ago, so I was too late to join the writers competition, but next time, I will. I read the mail and found some nice information about how to sell your scripts using the internet and such. That was really good and then I realized, what I was actually doing! I did not give a damn about the game related email, but I completely focused on the information that can be useful for my life and my goals. That was awesome. It felt all so natural and when I woke up this morning, I was already planning which script to finish first, so that I can publish it and yadda, yadda. All in my head. Without actively thinking about it. You know, it was in my head already. There, where you would find the distraction related stuff suddenly was productive, useful stuff. I am really focusing on improving my life and personal growth. I can't stress that enough: That is fking awesome! Even though it's baby step by baby step. But I can see results already. Today is not only day 17 of my game detox. Today is actually also day 3 without cigarettes. Well, I have them in the apartment, but I did not smoke any in the last three days. I feel that it will be horribly hard to quit smoking, but I just do not want to do it anymore. We will see how that will work out. I am already shoveling tons of food into my belly, ahaha. So, back to the game quitting progress. For the near future, I will try how the social gaming thing works. If it does trigger me, it will be gone. But for now, I seem to be safe. I am at my own computer right now, steam is a click away, but I don't care. I like that. No cravings. Also, I will see how to improve my productivity and concentration. That is basically it for now. I might add a little more later on. But for now, yadda yadda. Robert - out.

The gaming is clearly in your way, but I don't believe that relapsing makes you a bad person. It is so very hard to abstain from this pattern of behavior and it is indeed somehow ingrained after years of playing. Do not blame yourself and do not punish yourself for the relapse. What happened isn't great but do not view yourself as a shitty person. See it from the opposite: A weak person would not try to sort his or her issues out and would probably not try again after relapsing. The fact that you tried again, the fact that you stood up to face your demons again, shows that you aren't weak at all. I wish you all the strength you need to try again and again until you succeed.

Thanks for everybody's opinion here. I really needed some points of view in order to think about this idea of social gaming and how it would be when I try it during the detox. I really appreciate it.

Day 14: Oh, boy. What a Sunday. I thought about it and I do not want to read my own rants when I read my journal in the future. I want to stay positive. So, I am trying this again with a more positive mindset. I learned something on day 14: Do not take anything for granted. Be grateful for the support you get and show your supporters that you acknowledge them. I like the idea of knowing and valuing what others do for you and me. And this is what I want to remember. So, I am very grateful to be a part of this community. To be able to share my thoughts with people who walk with me for a while on this very interesting journey. I am grateful that there are people who help me back up when I stumble and fall. And I am very grateful that I do not feel alone. I really appreciate that. It is easy to see the things that are "bad". But I believe that it needs strength to see all the good things when one is lying on the ground, feeling hurt. I apologize for my angry rant. As said, this should not be the place to rant. Rather the place to see the good one can achieve every day.

Heya Richard! Welcome aboard.

Weeeehelcome to the forum! You have made some great progress so far!

Day 13: Just a short summary today. I feel that every time I begin writing my journal that late, I cannot really focus on it. So I guess, in the future, I should begin to write my daily journal a tiny bit earlier. Will note that. Anyway, my day was nice. Aside from writing, I put my Rode USB microphone to use and recorded some of my notes, as well as a text to listen to before I go to sleep. I mentioned that I have a sleeping disorder and I believe that I can "calm" it a little, if I work on it. Here in Germany, it is already Sunday. So it is basically day 14, somehow. Almost 2 weeks without gaming and I have mixed feelings about it. I realize that it opens doors that were closed before, but I also know that there is still a long way to go. But, I am looking forward to ... - I guess - walk it? (I was in the middle of the sentence when my girlfriend thought it was a good idea to jumpscare me in order to help me get rid of my hickup. It did not help and I forgot the sentence, hahaha.) Well, I thought about quitting smoking tomorrow but I am not entirely sure, since I would like to get the cravings under control first. Mh, not so much reflection today. I am just really tired and happy that another day passed without playing video games to escape reality.

Don't get me wrong, we have plenty of activities. We reserved a table in a sushi restaurant, we walk the dog together, we go to a concert together. And that is where I asked myself how to handle the gaming. Because, when we played together, it was different. We would sit on the couch together since we use the controllers, one PC and the beamer, and well, we talk while playing, we laugh, we eat and make cocktails and such. It is a very different kind of gaming, compared to me sitting all by myself, having headphones on my ears, only being available to the guys in Teamspeak. It is so very different, that is why I thought, I might ask you guys, how you would handle it. Abstain completely, or implement a few times, that are way more social and do not end in staying up all night, ignoring the entire world around one-self.

Day 12: One of those "nothing special happened today" kind of days. Well, okay. I finished my second weekly workout, I rode my bike and had a good time. But after all my daily routines, I realized that my mum called me two days ago, so I called her back today. It was quite nice, but we spent 3 hours on the phone, trying to get her basic software installed. She got a new PC and I do not live close to her anymore, so we tried fixing every thing on the phone. She is almost 70 years old and has her troubles with the left and right click. In the end, I coached her through the installation of TeamViewer, so that I could remotely do all the stuff. As said, it was nice, but really exhausting. I never use to be on the phone for more than a couple of minutes. When that task was done, I head a real annoying headache. So I "relaxed" for the rest of the day, only focusing on my routines. I did not write any word today, but I am looking forward to tomorrow. Now, I will just finish this day's journal and probably head to bed. I guess, sometimes it is okay to "lay low" for a day. Also, helping others - even if it results in a headache - is quite nice. So, that is is basically it. Almost 2 weeks without games, yaay.

So, my girlfriend's vacation will begin on Sunday. That means 2 weeks without going to work. And she always enjoyed the times, when we sat down and played through a co-op game. The last game we started to play was Divinity: Original Sin. That was like half a year ago. I am not sure what to do, to be entirely honest. And now I wondered, how is it with the rest of you guys? After quitting video games, do you sometimes play "socially"? With your partner, on a party or anything else? Since I just started quitting, I did not really have the time to think about that. But I would be grateful for any shared experience, idea, thought or opinion on that topic.

@Paul A. Thank you for your kind words. To be entirely honest, I am writing all that stuff down because I feel that it is necessary to do so. Not to impress people. Though, I am always happy if people can actually find something in my words. And the honesty continues: I might have had some hardships, but I wasn't always strong. There were times where I was at real low points in my life. I have had my experience with drugs, as I stated somewhere. And I also had suicidal thoughts. At one point, I was so exhausted and filled up with the feeling of guilt and hopelessness, that I tried to saw off my left hand with a circular saw. I drank a whole bottle of anaesthetics before I did that and it kicked in the moment my arm hit the saw. I blacked out, fell down and hit my head on a wooden board. 3 days later, I woke up in a mental hospital with a large sewed wound on my left arm. So, you see, I am human like everybody else. I have my limits and I can totally understand why people want to "end the suffering". Although, I did not try to kill myself. But I needed some kind of valve to let off the steam that people pumped into my head. You know, the "You are dumb, weak, lazy ...etc" comments really got to my head at some point. After that situation, I never hurt myself again, because it would not help me in my situation. It would vent the stress for a brief moment, but the conclusion was that I had to get rid of the stressors, not of my hand. So, if anybody would talk to me about having suicidal thoughts, I would probably try to reinforce their self-esteem. Because there is no real reason to take one's own life. It makes more to change one's own life. Still, I do not see weakness in having such thoughts, since every thought of that kind is just one's own mind, telling the person that something really sucks. @happykhan Thank you for the support. I wish you the best for your own journey and I hope you will always have the courage to move on when you feel like not having the strength to move on. @SimonE Thank you for your words of kindness. Hopefully, you will reach the point where writing turns into the non-job you want to pursue. To be entirely honest, I believe that it is very much possible to become a writer, even if you did not study literature or anything else. After all, all you have to do is write and write and write. Pursue that dream and make it possible. I wish you the best on your path. Day 11: So, where to begin? Today was a strange day. One of those strange days. My sleeping disorder seems to have kicked in again. I sleep like ...well, let's just say I do not sleep well lately. Last night, I dreamed of Quake 3 Arena, Civilization, Fallout 1 and some absurd game that was basically made up by my own mind. I think, I have never dreamed about video games before. I had night where I would close my eyes and see video game content. Usually after playing for 20 hours straight and partly being under the influence of something, like alcohol, caffeine or such. After playing for so many hours straight, I could not keep my eyes closed without seeing muzzle flashes and such. Those were bad days. But last night, I really dreamed of game related stuff. And I haven't been playing Quake in like 15 years. But it was part of my childhood. May be that is why it crept into my mind while I was asleep. I can only hope that this wont be how the nights go from now on. After waking up, I felt very tired and worn. I did not set any daily goals the day before. Instead, I thought it might be a good idea to do it the same day I am going to pursue them. It did not work as intended because it took me way too long to come up with daily goals and while thinking of some goals, I was sitting in front of the PC, which is already bad. 'Cause that is what leads to the cravings, at least for me. Sitting in front of the PC, not doing anything really. That is when the thoughts come up. "I could play a match of- ..aww, damnit. I don't play anymore". So I fought these thoughts and began my day with walking the dog. Having a dog is kind of annoying and great at the same time. One will always have to walk the dog. Rain or shine. So, this way I am "forced" to go outside. "Forced" is written with quotation marks, because even though I am responsible for the dog, it is still a decision I make. I could as well decide to let the dog rot in the corner. But I decide to be responsible and walk the dog. I am pointing that out because I met many people that had the "I must"-sickness. I must go to work. I must walk the dog. I must eat. I must call my parents. I must this and I must that. And I will often have a hard time explaining that all these things a decisions. "You do not have to go to work" - "But I must, otherwise I do not get any money" - "Exactly. You CHOOSE to go to work in order to have money to buy something to eat, pay your rent and yadda, yadda". We will always make decisions. Some decisions seem to have only one logical option, but in the end, they will be decisions. So, I do not have to quit playing video games. There is no "I must". I could easily go on and waste my life away. But I do not WANT to do that, so I DECIDE to quit. I feel that this mindset makes a huge difference. Because, it puts ME in control. And if I am in control, I can navigate myself towards my goals. Aside from that, the day was strange. I said it before, I will say it again. Strange. I felt strange. After walking the dog, I did all my 27b/6 stuff. Bureaucracy. Pay this, pay that. Fill out form X to make sure consequence Z wont take effect. This is usually a process which makes me feel like a robot. But luckily, I finished it in no time. After that, I tried to work on what I really like to do. I wrote. I wrote 1500 words, 6 pages on a Final Draft script. Today, I did not feel like working on my novel. Sometimes I do have times like these. Not feeling like working on that one project. So I worked on a side project. Still, I felt like I was procrastinating my main project. I am not sure. I am really not sure if that is true or not. For now, I am not trying to judge this feeling. I guess it comes with the detox. Not being sure if I procrastinate some times or not. After that, I felt empty. I wrote and read so much. The script involves a lot of reading, since I have to gather the information I need from other scripts. One of these scripts was a diary of an old man I know. I read one part that just wont get out of my head. In the 70's, he met with an old friend from school and he said to him, that they should have a class reunion at some point in the future. And his friend said "We are having one right now". The guy did not understand that immediately, but after a brief moment, he realized that all his classmates were killed in the second world war while defending Berlin. That kind of got to me. I had to imagine that everybody I went to school with would have ceased to exist. I would not cry for many of them, but still ...life can be so fucking cruel. And then, I thought about myself. I did not have a great war, nor did I have such a hard time as a kiddo. But still, my issues weight heavy on my shoulders. It should be clear to everybody, that you cannot compare problems, but it still got to me. Most people have a hard life. But not most people do get to be happy. I want to be happy, so I will fight on. Still, it really got to me. So, writing was off the table. At some point I just have to let it rest, since my concentration is not at it's peak anymore. Before I wrote, I had hopes to feel satisfied afterwards, but I did not. There were still cravings and there were still doubts about whether I am a writer or not. Doubts have the mean characteristic of sneaking up on people when their defense is low. My defense was low, that is why I spent a couple of hours listening to music, watching TED talks and talking to my last friend via steam. That is not entirely bad, but I still feel that I need something to fill my day with. I am still missing activities that "make me feel good". After watching 2 episodes of Family Guy, I stopped. I realized that this is only mildly entertaining, so I knew it was time to let it rest as well. I tried to use 750 words for the first time, since somebody suggested it to me and I felt it would be a good time to try it. Although it seems to be a nice thingy, it wasn't for me. It is a feature that I would have to use in my browser and that is where the temptation waits for me. So I guess, I'll stick to "Focus Writer", which is a neat tool as well. Still, I finished the 750 words and looked at my summary. It was funny, because it told me that my "family" seems to be on my mind. I just assume it mistook the "Family Guy" stuff for me thinking about my family. As said, I finished the 750 words, but I was done at about 600, since I wrote so much at noon. In the end, I just wrote non-sense, which was kind of entertaining. "If you are happy and you know it ..." and such. But it wasn't all that bad, because this tiny feature taught me one thing: I do not like unfinished business. As I said, I was done at about 600 words, but knowing that I would get a big "X" for it and knowing that I would not have finished my task, I just had to go on. That is a feeling that I got a lot lately. I feel the need to finish my shit. And that is good. Real good. Because that was what I did not when I was gaming all day. I did not finish my shit. And that led to feeling of being guilty, depressed, anxious and so on. Getting stuff done however, gives my mind the permission to rest assured! I like that. I really do. Now, there is nothing much to say anymore. I will do the dishes in a few minutes, but first I need to check the oven, because I tried to bake a loaf of bread. It did not go to well, that's what I can say about it, but I will still finish it and damn, I will eat it because I made it. Although I did not feel great today - in fact, I felt like crap most of the time - I still feel that I am in control of my life and that is worth the effort! Today has been a day that I would have loved to use to relapse, but I did not do it. That is good. Life is good.

Day 10: Short journal entry today. Had a late appointment and a bad night. Felt very worn and tired. Had only minor cravings. But I made some plans for the future, which is nice. In general, I felt very anxious but spent a large part of the day outside of the apartment. I guess tomorrow will be a better day.

Subscribed to it. Looking forward to see more videos!

Day 8: Boy, I done fuckep up today. At least I kind of feel this way. But only kind of. I was talking to my last real life friend today ... via steam. He lives 800 KMs away, so we keep in touch by using steam. He told me that he ordered his new filming equipment and can't wait for it to arrive. God, I know that feeling. When you are really into something and can't wait to get the tools to get started on a new project. Anyway, we talked about Game Quitters. He knows that I am on my detox and he supports me. In fact, when I told him about it the first time, he began to abstain from digital distractions as well. I really liked that. It shows, that we share some interests. The most important one is probably creating a life without a nine to five job, but instead having a life filled with creativity and autonomy. Is that even a word? "Autonomy"? I have no clue. Still, we talked about GQ and I told him about Alex's awesome interview and in the heat of the moment - you know, when you are entirely euphoric about something you really want to do - I asked him if that would be a cool way to begin with filming. Creating a documentary about quitting video games. Limited to germany, since we would have to travel a lot, I guess. It was just an idea, but I instantly fell in love with it. He made a point saying that it would be nice to have some scientific information on that topic as well. We discussed who would make a great person to interview and we pinned one down. Then, I really fucked up. I watched YouTube content about the guy and he made some great point. However, a majority of this content were elitist talk shows. And I watched them and I became real angry. Because he would state so much scientific data about how harmful computers and smartphones are in the early ages of a human and people just talked him down with stupid opinions. You know, "online journalists" negated scientific data of a specialist. The worst thing was, the talk show was about specialists in jobs. But the only specialist in the room was made fun of by online idiots who got applause for making Trump jokes. That really insulted my intelligence somehow. Because I got the feeling, that no matter what one will do, people will always laugh about you. They'd rather hear an "exciting" opinion than true scientific data. And I probably spent like 4 hours watching his content. Though, one thing about it is quite nice: During these 4 hours, I wrote 4 pages for my book. My book is a mirror on society. It is about the protagonist who is searching his own way through this life, while bonding with a 15 year old girl. He learns a lot, hates a lot, especially himself and experiences a lot. It is platon's odyssey in a modern environment. A take on Joyce's odyssey with computers, smartphones and a man that feels like being a domesticated wolf in a domesticated society. So, that input, even though it enraged me, made me write quite a lot. And today, I just realized that I am on page 99 measured in dinA4 sheets. So somehow, I am close to a non-existent border. I realized that I have 40k fixed words in the story and about 60k words in notes and story elements that still await to be implemented. You could say, the book is almost done. But that creates a huge amount of fear and pressure. Right now, right here, I am making my words public. But I am doing that to a minority of people that have the same goals like me. Publishing a book (I don't even have a publisher) is kind of a different story. Some people might love it, some might hate it and some might just go "meh" on it. Though, I still have the feeling that this is important to me. So I will have to continue. I want to continue. Still, today was a wild and unstructured day. I fulfilled my daily goals, but the feeling of being shaken remains. I had no cravings, but I also substituted my old behavior by watching YT content. Although, and this is why it feels so ... wild, I did that because I talked about it with a friend of mine. And it inspired me. So, I am not really sure if it was a substitute or actual input. I believe that in the beginning of the detox, it is hard to tell one from another. Though, I smoked like 3000 cigarettes and drank half a bottle of wine. And I had some minor desire for junk food, but "good" junk food. Sushi is not that bad, I guess. But I know that I have good feelings about that kind of food, so I guess that was kind of the desire to substitute. I read A LOT of forum posts today and I enjoyed all of them. I cannot put that feeling into words. That feeling of being among your kind of people. People that share a similar history, similar goals and such. It feels so much like "being home". Outside of GQ, I could not get this kind of acceptance for my desire to distract myself. Sure, my girlfriend and the friend I wrote about are a huge support, but otherwise, I am alone with this. And I believe "we" are kind of alone with this. I opened a new thread today about a book. A book about GQ. Not about the hard data, but about the personal stories. I still like this idea. A book so that people would get an idea of what is going on inside of some of the gamers. Also, it might help some gamers to understand their actual feelings as well. And if not, it still might be a good read. I will see how people respond to the idea of a printed medium about the story of some game quitters. I like to dive into writing stuff. I just do. As said before, I fulfilled my daily goals. But today was just different. An emotional roller coaster again. Fulfilling the goals felt like a chore. Yesterday, when I wrote my journal, I had one unfulfilled goal and that was reading 2 book pages. At least two pages of a book of my choice. In bed, I grabbed a Terry Pratchett book I already read. But I know that I like them and it went quite well. Though, after 10 pages or so, I noticed that I would constantly have to re-read certain phrases. It is not that hard to read TP, but my concentration went over board. I can only hope that I will be able to increase my concentration span in the future. I read 15 pages and stopped afterwards. Today, I will go on. It is a beginning. That's what it is. A beginning. A last thing to mention might be that I am listening to music like ... a lot lately. But nowadays I can really listen to it and feel it. I like that feeling and am looking forward to the concert on the weekend. It has been ages since I last participated in a concert. I am curious how it will be. And now I would really like some sushi. That's about it. I am done here.

It is somewhat funny that the word "passion" comes from the latin word "passio", which means "suffering, sickness", if I am not entirely wrong here. In german, the word is "Leidenschaft", which involves "Leiden", which translates to "suffering". I totally agree that the word "passion" is being entirely overused and somehow abused as well. Because, it seems the "inventor" of this word had something else in mind than a day at the local petting zoo. It seems to be meant like, if you are really into something, you will take it very serious. If you take something very serious, you might generate some sort of perfectionism about this passion of yours. You will put effort into it, although you often suffer from doing it. It is like love (sorry for being kinda philosophical now), which hurts very often, but you still can't stop devoting yourself to it. I guess that is why the word "passion" is often used in combination with "love" and such. On another note, my profile pic is part of a wallpaper of the documentary "Burden of dreams". The title alone implicates that dreams are not always awesome and when you have them, you become super strong and super focused or such. Sometimes, dreams are a burden, because you feel the need to make them come true, which leads to obstacles, setbacks, pain, exhaustion, anxiety and whatnot. To me it seems, that when there is something great that one wants to achieve, there will be a great amount of suffering as well. Sorry if that post went a little to far into the distance ...

Watched it and I loved it. And to be entirely honest, I love your dad's reaction. He seems to be really happy about the fact, that his son is so full of courage to withstand a world that is so tempting, but instead invests more time and effort into his real life. I also loved that he said, he felt a little guilty about gifting you your first gaming console. Because, I often thought about that. Kids get easily excited and will jump at those things if they are in reach. However, your father could not have known - not at all - how the gaming industry would change over the years. He just had good intentions and that is great. As said, I just loved your parts of the documentary. Though one thing came to my mind and I am not sure how to think about it: They showed this female streamer and I felt weird while watching her. Let me explain that: When Alex talked to the journalist, he always looked so natural. His behavior was "well adjusted". Everything he did or said did not really feel staged. The same goes for his dad. But when the girl was being interviewed, I felt that she is lacking many actual social skills. She looked like she felt insecure and she said, that she just wants to be an inspiration to other people. Now what instantly came to my mind was that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to diminish her or what she does for a living. But I felt like she found a way to replace her real personality with a virtual personality. Like, replacing the real life insecurities with a overly happy and funny virtual her. I had the same thoughts for the part, when she said that she screams a lot and thus would make people laugh. I asked myself, why is that? Might it be because people are sitting in front of their screens, feeling somewhat lonely and would instead love to sit with somebody and laugh and have fun and have a feeling of company? Is her show - and that is what it is afterall, a show - just simulating this feeling? So isn't this basically an inspiration to sit alone and simulate the feelings that you would actually want to have? As said, I am thinking about this. This is not a judgement or something, but it felt so strange to see Alex and then her. He was so entirely natural, so calm and his feelings were so ... I don't know, natural as well. If anybody has any thoughts on that, I would love to read them, because my personal point of view will only limit me. And again, Alex, what I just watched was heartwarming and extremely motivational. I love it.