Simon E

That is awesome, man. Making people aware of your writing really gives you alot of influence, and merit when you want to publish something for real. That's something I should begin thinking about aswell.

I've thought about the idea of a God or a creator quite alot, and I'm struggling to get my head around it. The intelligence required to come up with the idea of the universe is far beyond human imagination; what mind would be able to decide that a certain element called oxygen will have 8 protons and the element carbon will have 6, or that a certain baby will be born on that or this area of the planet? God's mind would have to be infathomably more developed than a human one. Actually, anyone declaring they understand even the slightest what God would be like is speaking nonsense, since, if God exists, he ought to be too complex for us to even glimpse the tiniest fraction of what he would be like. A God that people understand, that think and feel in the same way we do, would be no God. Because God should be perfect, and humans are fundamentally flawed. It's hard to formulate my thoughts on this subject. But essentielly, the randomness and unpredictability of everything is what disturbs me the most. To exist means to be chaotic and flawed in some way, and why would you create something that will be flawed? Why would someone ever set out with the intention of creating something that's imperfect? Unless that wasn't his intention, but that would mean he failed, resulting in God not being omnipotent at all, which isn't a very uplifting thought. And if God created all this, he must've existed before the Big Bang, which means that that event wasn't at all the beginning of existance, and so, the universe we are able to percieve must be located inside another universe, the one where the creator resides. IDK man, it's all too confusing. I'm not trying to deny your faith, not at all. In fact, I'm slightly jealous of people believing in a creator, since, when it's done right, it seems to grant you a sense of peace difficult to achieve through other means.

Thanks for your input, and your inspiring words. I agree completely about happiness right now being the only thing that matters; in a billion years all your actions will have been forgotten anyways. I'm definitely not living in the present then, since I'm either depressed or anxious basically all the time. Does it count as living in the present even if you are far away in your own fictive universe? Funny that you mention the Slight Edge: I've already read that book twice, haha. But thanks for the recommendation anyways, it truly is excellent

Day 29: My mood dove straight down into darkness. The weather is awful; cold, rainy and gray. How are you as a human supposed to feel happy when you look outside and everything is void of light and colour? I'm also feeling sad, for some reason. Not necessarily a bad sadness, but sadness nevertheless. If I felt like this a few months ago I would escape into the world of league, or crash on the couch with my ipad and netflix. This won't happen today. I will get things done no matter how I feel. Because really, time passes no matter what you do - it's out of your control. Yes, it sucks to feel depressed and sad and lonely, and it would be so sweet to escape, to forget everything for an hour or two. That's one option. The other is to do the things you have to do regardless of your inner state. You can either feel like shit and waste the day, or you can feel like shit and still make something good out of it, something that you will be able to appreciate in the future, when you feel better again. Cutting your losses, in a way. It's kind of early in the day, but I felt like writing here anyways. I have whole of sunday ahead of me; endless possibility or endless struggle. The difference between feeling free and feeling lost is dangerously thin. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S9DE9gpprXQ Also, this song is breaking my heart

Welcome, and nice to see you've started your journal! Not all people are alike, but I've found that writing here daily does wonders in terms of cravings, so I would recommend that you come back more frequently than once every week.

Day 28: Insane day. Finished rereading my favourite book, wrote 2500 words on my novel, and closed the day off with watching Inception just now. Fragments of stories are fleeting around in my head, feelings arise and disappear sporadically. I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted; it's probably not too healthy to spend 10+ hours of a day losing yourself in fantasy universes. Life is damn confusing. The idea of being a part of this immensely complicated and complex creation that we call life, and still spend your time wishing yourself away, dreaming of another existance; it's achingly beautiful and terribly sad at the same time. The meaning of life is to reflect upon the meaning of life. Then you realize life has no meaning apart from the one you give it. We are biological machines created out of pure chance, existing on top of a rock speeding through a vast space of darkness at incomprehensible speed. Were we ever meant to exist? Was anything ever meant to exist? Maybe the creation of the universe was nothing more than a mistake, the one, odd chance in a billion, and before that, things were as they was supposed to be; nonexistent. A perfect nothingness. On a slightly more positive note: considering I'm this philisophical while sober, I wonder what I would be like if I ever got high (I haven't tried it out yet).(Maybe I would reach instant nirvana). Now it's time to sleep, and dream. My brain needs a solid night of sleep to process everything that's happened today. (If you ever feel the need to comment on something I write, please do so. I crave meaningful discussions as a man in the desert craves water)(Apologize for the cliché) Peace.

Welcome, and good job starting your journal! Looking forward to seeing your artwork

Day 27: A long and rough schoolday (some genius decided to give us all of the heavy subjects on the same day)(Chemistry, Biology, two math classes, physics. Need I continue?) Went home and worked some more on the novel (thanks for the encouragement, btw, everyone)(maybe it's just Fredrik but still, lmao) Suddenly it became dark outside and time to sleep No cravings encountered in five days time, something I'm not going to complain about at all. 'Bout to fall asleep any second. Peace.

@flingaas Like, I do agree with you, on a personal level, but I like a proper discussion too much not to refute your arguments. Honestly, I doubt most people who read really take their time and reflect upon what they just read. Atleast not when reading fiction; when reading self-developmental books or stuff like philosophy/psychology other rules apply. I think people simply view it as a way of killing time; a better and more refined one than for example TV and netflix, but fundamentally the same. (I myself do not consider reading to be a meaningless time-killer, so maybe I'm too judgemental towards other people, and I should stop pretending to know how they feel and think.) And the thing with virtuality; the ideas and thoughts that reside in my head are just as abstract as what exists in a virtual reality, right? They do not become real until I write them down, and even then; the paper on which I put my words is just the means through which I make something real out of my writing. That sounded hella confusing. What I (think I) mean is that, just because your gaming achievements need an instrument for them to happen (a computer and an online server) doesn't make them less real. A lot of activities suffer from that criteria; writing, online art. Maybe the computer simply fulfills the same function as the pen to the writer, the guitar to the artist. A gateway into the world you want to reach, the means through which you are able to perform the acitivity. Anything virtual is still a part of the real reality, and everything that's part of reality is real, no? (Going deep into the depths of philosophy now)(not that deep, but still) I need to repeat myself; I do agree with you about the core part (that's why I'm writing now and not gaming), but it goes against my nature to leave any branches of an idea unexplored

Happy birthday man!

Nice to see proof that you're alive. The forum is slightly more empty when you're not as active as usual. I hope you have a frigging amazing time in Africa though!

Day 26: I'm excited to be closing in on day 30. It would feel like a substantial achievement, not simply a pair of digits. I honestly think I'm going to make it this time. I've discovered a passion of mine, and I have the tools I need to change my life into something awesome. Defeating the addiction doesn't seem all that impossible anymore. But then again, that's exactly how I felt last time, and we all know how that went. Nothing too interesting happened today. Finished school early, went home and wandered around staring at the walls and scratching my armpits for a few hours (=I didn't do shit), but then I managed to get my lazy ass to the library, where I did 2-3 hours of pretty effective studying. (GJ me.) Finished a swedish assignment that has literally loomed over me like a dark cloud the last week, infecting my very existance and dulling every source of potential happiness. JK, it wasn't that bad. Just trying to make something exciting out of the painfully mundane. Guess what, I'm past my bedtime again. (Maybe I have too strict sleep schedules? Nahhhhh, sleep is love, sleep life) Peace.

@flingaas I kind of agree with that you're saying. No matter how good the book is, you won't be thinking about it a month after you read (not constantly, atleast. Some really good ones keep popping up in my mind from time to time), while gaming is in your mind all time any time. About the part where reading gives you creativity; is that really true though? Most people who read limits themselves to that end of the novel; the recieving end. There's alot more people reading books than writing them. And isn't reading in the same category as gaming? You lose yourself in a story for a few hours a few days of the week, and that's it. Your life doesn't necessarily get better from doing it. Actually, one might even argue that gaming is more creative than reading; when playing you are actively affecting the story and its outcome. You're not just sitting by watching things unfold. Moving on to writing though, and none of the above applies. What you described about gaming stealing your perspective is exactly what I'm experiencing in relation to my writing. The story of my novel keeps coming back to me every hour of the day; when walking, cycling, studying. I bend over backwards trying to figure out how to solve the plot holes, I experiment with dialogue, I put my characters in certain situations and try to visualize how they would react. I live in my fictive world almost as much as I live in the real world. I'm being obsessed. Or one might say, addicted. That takes me back to the question: why did I feel like shit about being obsessed with games but not about being obsessed with writing? And my conclusion is that, for some ambiguous reason, I find meaning in writing but not in gaming. This is as, I've said before, entirely subjective and not a reflection of any objective right or wrong. Might be because that, if you agree with me about gaming being somewhat creative, writing is the same way as gaming but a thousand times better. In a game, you have the opportunity of affecting the outcome; depending on your actions it might end like this, or like that. No matter how free you may feel, everything is premeditated in a way. You are able to affect the outcome, yes, but the possible outcomes are already hardcoded into the game. No matter how free you may feel you have a finite amount of choices to make. Meanwhile, when writing, the limits of your potential does not exist. You are God. I kind of derailed from the subject a little, but I like that. It's when you lose track of your thoughts and wander into the desolate, dark places of your mind that you encounter interesting ideas. As always, thanks for your input!

Day 25: I've been procrastinating/forgetting the journal up until the last moment of the day, when I'm about to literally fall asleep at any second. Another day of thinking/working on the novel. I've made a goal of having a completed sketch/foundation for the book at day 50 of the detox, so that I'm able to begin writing on the actual novel. (I want to have the backstory, the research, the plot etc crystal clear in my mind before I begin filling it out.) Had a moment of weakness today though. Landed in the couch and watched three episodes of some weird anime, before being able to drag my lazy ass away from there. No big deal, but not something I'm proud of, and not something I want to be happening (it has in the past, so I'm especially fearful of the useless bingewatching. I'd rather be reading) That's it for today, as the bed is calling my name. It would be cold-hearted of me to ignore that, no? @flingaas I'm not ignoring you will answer tomorrow, I'm sure you'll excuse a tired teenager Goodnight!

@JSmith DUDE. That was actually the first thing that came to mind when I read about your reaction. I saw it about a year ago, and even though *spoiler* you could see her death coming from miles away, when it finally happened it brought me to tears aswell. Amazing how a story consisting of 2D cartoon characters speaking (Something that for me sounds as) gibberish can play with your feelings to such a degree.

*psst* What anime? I'm out of good ones to binge-watch

@Hitaru What you're saying is pretty much the opposite of the politically correct, positive attitude, where you're supposed to constantly try to forgive and see the good in people. Yet I can't do anything but agree with you. When you've been trying so hard to change yourself, to improve, to become better. When you are painfully aware of the shameful state you were in before, and they still refuse to update their image of you, they keep you in their neatly arranged category where they placed you in the past. They keep referring to your mistakes, your weaknesses, despite knowing that it hurts you, despite knowing that those flaws aren't even actual anymore. It can really bring you down, or make you furious, depending on yor personality. Maybe both. I usually got angry, just as you seem to be now. I don't know if there's any solution to the problem, except packing your belongs, saying good riddance and running as far away as you possible can (and that might not be an option for you.) For a big part of my later years I walked around being angry at everyone, especially my close ones, and this is so so draining. I really hope you do figure something out. Maybe your mom isn't as narrowminded as she might be percieved, maybe she'll realize you have changed (it may sound naive, but I'm just trying to bring some positivity into this depressing post, lol).

Day 24: Another good day. (3 good days in a row? What sorcery is this?)(Just waiting for the crash, lol) I've been showing borderline obsessed behavior today. It's pretty incredible, that for months I couldn't find any motivation or inspiration for my novel at all, but as soon as I decided that I would begin working on it for real, all these ideas pop out of nowhere. Hours have gone by today consisting only of me frantically scribbling down ideas, filling paper after paper. Also, I'm rereading the series "The Young Elites" for the fourth time. The last one - "The Midnight Star" - is estimated to be published today (it'll arrive here in Sweden in two days), and I'm hyped beyond reason. Out of the couple thousand books I've read (not exaggerating. Together with gaming reading has been my way of functioning/escaping the world, and ever since I began reading Harry Potter at the age of six, it's been normal for me) that series is probably my absolute favorite, from a subjective standpoint. About the reading; it's not so very different from gaming actually; it's just another promise of a fictive world, a way to temporarily escape from life, but in spite of that, my wiev on it is completely different. I can with some sort of genuine pride say I spent the whole last 24 hours reading a nerve-wrecking book, but I can't look someone in the eyes and say I did the same with gaming. To be honest, I do not know why this is. Because reading is generally looked upon positively, whereas gaming is frowned upon? Because the need for stories is deeply ingrained in my personality? Maybe that is what I needed in games in the first place; the story, and the possibility of creating my very own outcomes and endings? This is not as impossible as it sounds. I was attracted almost exclusively to this one character in league, Syndra, because of her lore and her quotes; dark, damaged, vengeful (with a hint of hidden pain, injustice in the past etc.). She had been looked down upon, feared, thrown out of society, and so she swore to get her revenge. Exactly the type of stories I like to read (and write). This is all an interesting hyopthesis, and it would be uplifting to have found atleast one root cause of my addiction. The novel is moving forward with lightning-fast speed; more progress has been made these last two days than the whole year before that. The plot will turn out just as deliciously dark and exciting as I want it to, I'm not worried about that. What I am growing anxious about is the execution. Do I have the sufficient skill to make the story justice? I've always had top grades in my native language (because of the reading), and the teachers usually praise my way with words. But will this be enough? I often find my words and sentences to be clumsy and simple, not as sofisticated, flowing, deep as I want them to. Maybe this stems from me being too harsh on myself; the standard inner judge of your creative work. I hope it does. Maybe I shouldn't care about how it turns out and just write because I love writing? The most logical option. Unfortunately, logic isn't my strongest trait:^) I should've been studying physics this whole day, but no. My brain is buzzing with words and pictures, if I had had to put numbers and formulas in there too it might've exploded. I compensated for the two previous short posts with this mega-bible. Now it's time for, you guessed it, sleep. (I like my sleep, m8.) That is, if I can ignore the surges of inspiration that instantly arrive when I turn off the lights (yay). TLDR: Me nerding about the art of weaving stories together.

@JSmith Ah. I probably could've guessed that, lol @flingaas Yeah, it's not that long, but my mindset has shifted pretty massively. My life isn't exactly where I want it to be, but it's tremendously better than when I was gaming (I just have to make sure I remember this when the cravings return). Also, thank you! Considering it's physics we're talking about, luck will be needed.

Day 23: A very short post since I have to sleep. Ideal day today aswell. Managed to handle school in a good enough way, got some stuff done (math. There is always math to do. It never ends. Whisper: please kill me), and felt pretty good, afterwards Also, now that I've started with the novel all these ideas pop up out of nowhere, like my inner muse realized I'm finally willing and able to take good care of them. I'm honestly excited about the whole thing - as long as I don't mess up I think the novel will turn out pretty decent. The gravitational force of the bed (strongest one there is) is tugging at me, better get going. Peace, and sleep well! Or have a nice day. Or something

@JSmith It will (probably, you never know with these things) end up as some sort of young adult/dark fantasy thing. It will be pretty dark and pretty psychological, since those are areas I myself find fascinating and personally would like to read about. What will yours be, if you don't mind me asking? IKR, that's something to be grateful for when all else goes to shit - atleast we have time to make up for our past mistakes.

I can relate to the situation with your mother, and I think I understand your frustration. It's absolutely obnoxious when someone takes you entirely for granted. When someone regards you as a side character in the movie of their life, when someone thinks the universe revolves around themselves only. I think your actions serve as an appropriate answer to her; she needs to understand that your time is valuable, and that you exist for your own, not her, purpose. Not trying to sound like a "know-it-all", just offering my opinion. Hope you figure out a solution, or atleast that you won't let the situation drag you down.

Welcome aboard! You will find a welcoming community here, for sure!

Day 22: The contrast between yesterday and today is striking; I went from being somewhere deep down in the darkest pit of cravings and depression to now being weightless, flying in the skies. Today was a pretty ideal day except for the beginning of it. Woke up pretty late and for the first few hours, I felt slow/drowsy, but that changed as soon as I forced myself to simply begin with something. I'm past my scheduled bedtime already so I can't drag this post out ("Hurray!" You might say). A quick summary of today: Studied physics for 5 times 25 minutes. Feeling pretty prepared for the test on wednesday (never been this early with studying, I usually do it the last day, so it's quite the achievement).Went to the gym. Put off the decision to late in the afternoon, but still, I went.Began writing a sketch for my novel (a short summary of the book that'll serve as the foundation for the actual writing.)And a bunch of smaller goals that aren't worth mentioning here. I was also struck by the realization that all time is equal, and that all time equally matters. There is literally so much to be done, that justifying playing video games or watching netflix/youtube is honestly impossible. One should dedicate all their time, every day, every hour, every second, to improving themselves and their lives (whatever that means to them). There is books to be read, words to be written, studying to be done. I'm hopeful for the future, mainly thanks to the rereading of the slight edge. I'm beginning to understand that if I consistently apply the slight edge philosophy in my life, anything is achievable. Also began doing some "happy habits" (gratitude journal/positive experience-journal). I'm pretty cynical, and I tend to feel a slight disgust towards the idea of walking around constantly smiling and seeing the positive in everything, but if thats what it takes to be happy, I might consider doing it anyways. Bon nuit (Basically all I remember from four years of studying french, yay)

@JSmith I went back and checked out your introduction and your first journal entries (this'll probably come off as slightly weird), and I felt this fleeting sensation of connection. The more I read from you the more similarities I find with myself; the introversion, the highly analytical mindset, the competetivness, the martial arts, the confusion, the way you put your words. Maybe this is because of the fact that were both here, maybe a certain type of indivudials face a higher risk of becoming addicted. Maybe its pure coincidence. Anyhow; it felt valuable to see yourself being reflected in someone living thousands of miles away. Words are, as I've said before, terribly insufficient, but I want to wish you good luck anyways. I hope you'll figure stuff out.