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Sarma

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Posts posted by Sarma

  1. Day 38 - Back home and thoughts

     

    Came back home yesterday morning. 

    Yesterday happened to be my birthday, so I was greeted very nicely by my family.

    Later that night we all went out for a family dinner. 

    It was overall nice, it's just that my thoughts kept wandering.

    I was thinking about what I was going to do in the next month or two.

    Because I can't just be working and be lazy at home. 

    So I'm thinking now of going to kickboxing.

    I think it would be beneficial in multiple ways.

    Physically, mentally and socially.

    So yeah I'm going on monday or tuesday to this kickboxing club to see If I can join and try out.

    Also, on monday I'll be going to the psychiastrist and hopefully I'll have a good talk with her.

    As for my physical health, I'll do a full evaluation in the near future. I need to set a date with my doctor.

     

    While I was going home from my uncle's today I had a thought pop up about what's the difference between left-handed and right-handed people. 

    I'm left-handed so I was quite interested, because there's a lot of myths obviosly.

    Sadly that curiosity back fired because I had an anxiety attack. Turns out left-handers are more likely to develop schizophrenia, hahahahahah.

    Fuck man, I was trying to avoid that topic. The more I find out about schizophrenia the less I want to know.

    I'm not even gonna talk about it, you already know how I feel about it from my previous posts.

     

    I'm kind of sad vacation is over. I got used to it.

    Now, it's back to the real world. 

    But, I'm glad it happened. I learned a lot.

    I have a "straight head" and a different perspective.

     

    The copywriter course starts in september and I'm going to use the next month to earn some money and start kickboxing.

    I need to fill my day with as many activities as possible, because I'm constantly in my head.

     

    I have a constant fear that this will be all for nothing in the end. But fuck man. I gotta keep going.

    See that's always been a problem with me. My mom knows it well from when I was a child.

    I never believed in myself. And it has all culminated in the past 2 months.

    CONQUER THE MIND CONQUER THE WORLD.

    Even though I don't fully believe in my abilities, it's gotten better recently. 

    I feel like I can, It's just about realizing that feeling.

    Ed Latimore says you need 2 years to become good at any part of your life.

    I'm 19 right now and It's going to be much easier if I start now than later. I need to face my fears head on and become a man.

     

    What I'm grateful for that happened since I quit gaming and porn:

    • New friends
    • New environments
    • Better mentality
    • Need for new experiences
    • Confidence
    • Love for my family and friends
    • Living in the present not the past

     

    Have a wonderful day guys!

     

    • Like 1
  2. @fawn_xoxo

    I recommend you go on a trip alone. Because I think you'll learn more. 

    But if that sounds too difficult invite friends.

    I don't think it's worth to go with family on a trip, it just isn't effective. 

     

    What I meant by being strict is that you seem to strive to be a perfectionist. 

    The thing is we humans can't become perfect and that's why it's an unhealthy habit. 

    It will just cause you stress and anxiety. 

    So what I mean is, i feel like you're trying to live a "perfect" life. 

    You need some wiggle room, put in effort but also relax, you get me? 

    For an example:

    Jeff Bezos sets only 3 goals for each day and if he completes them then he can do whatever he wants. 

    Try and find a balance between effort and relaxation. 

    Also I feel like you overthink stuff too much, I feel like you need to put in a bit more action and less thinking. 

    So TL;DR relax

     

    • Like 1
  3. Hey @fawn_xoxo

    I just wanna say you seem very stressed out. 

    Have you thought of going on a trip somewhere for a couple of days. 

    I had doubts, but as I said in my journal going on a trip/vacation really helps. 

    The mind needs rest sometimes even from our everday habits. 

    Maybe you're a bit too strict with yourself? 

    I feel like you don't give yourself any enjoyment. 

    • Like 1
  4. You seem to be going through the detox pretty swimmingly. I recommend not to lose track though. Stay focused because a craving will hit you when you least expect it. Stay true to you're routine whatever it may be and don't get lazy. I don't know you, and you're reasoning for being on this forum, but maybe you don't have a serious problem. Maybe you're using this as a transitional period to adulthood. Whatever the case, define exacty why you're doing the detox and stay true to it. 

    Have a wonderful day?

    • Like 1
  5. Day 35 - Going home tomorrow and perspective

    This vacation went by fast man. 

    I went on this vacation planning to improve my social skills. 

    But instead I focused more on my perspective. 

    I don't know if it'll last, but this vacation has given me a different perspective on life. 

    My problems seem tiny now compared to 10 days ago. 

    I just don't want to think about some of my insecurities anymore. It feels so tiring. 

    I want to live life. 

    So when I get back home I want to just do everyday like it's the last day ever. 

    I want to enjoy the present for once. 

    As for my social skills:

    Did I learn something new?

    No. 

    But being around people every day has loosened me up a bit socially. 

    I feel like that's enough. 

    When it comes to women, to be honest I'm just not interested right now. 

    Maybe it's because of NoFap or maybe it's because of my current busy mind. 

    Whatever the case, I do not give a fuck. 

    If I start thinking about how I don't have a woman, its going to spiral out of control and I'm just gonna waste my day/days. 

    Time is the most valuable thing that a person has and I just don't want to waste it anymore. 

    At the end of the day, life's biggest questions have only one answer. 

    Life's a bitch and then you die. 

    And that's fine with me right now. Seems like a good answer. 

    I'm honestly more happy with that answer than searching for another one. 

    Because at the end of the day we aren't supposed to know the big questions, we aren't supposed to meet god. 

    Searching for certainty in life will only bring you misery. Uncertainty is what makes life interesting. 

    Am I ok now? 

    I don't know, I never will probably and that's fine. 

    The mind is a dangerous place, don't spend too much time in it.

    The greatest people who walked this world all were great doers, not thinkers. 

    Yes, they were smart, they made an idea, but they didn't let that idea eat them up. They didn't let an idea turn into a what if. 

    They put in the work and made their idea a reality. 

    There's this great guy on twitter called Ed Latimore. I recommend everyone follow him. 

    He has some great philosophy when it comes to life in general. 

    One of the things he says is happiness is being financially secure enough to live life how you want to live it. You can also live a happy life with well managed money, he says. 

    That thought really got me thinking. 

    Money doesn't bring happiness. Money is a tool that you can use to be fulfilled and in the end, happy. 

    So, basically I don't want to overthink shit no more. It's time to live life and live a fulfilled life. 

    I strongly recommend you follow ed and subscribe to his newsletter. He has some really eye opening opinions. 

     

    Thank you for reading this post. I hope you also have a different opinion of yourself after reading this. 

    Have a wonderful day, and never settle for less than you're worth. 

     

    • Like 3
  6. Day 32 - Present and future

    So what I want to talk about is my constant worry for the future. 

    Most people get caught up in the past, but i get caught up in the future. 

    And thus never live in the present. 

    I'm just constantly day dreaming. 

    I never just stop and say fuck man, lets enjoy life a bit. 

    So, basically I don't know how to enjoy life. It's not a familiar feeling to me. 

    I'm just gonna have to learn over time. Because right now I don't have solution. 

    You could say that In a way, I don't know who I am. 

    Maybe I'm just overthinking again. Fuck. 

    Vacation's been nice.

    I'm not doing anything special. 

    Just enjoying the atmosphere. 

    Vacation has sort of reset me mentally. 

    I think about stuff that isn't related to my home. 

    It's like I exited my head for a while. 

    Like you're not thinking about stupid shit. 

    It's been a productively unproductive vacation haha. 

    I thought I was gonna want to go home after a couple of days, but actually I want to stay for a prolonged period. 

    Together with quitting games and porn, going on vacation has been the most productive decision I've made in a while. 

    I feel like my mind is finally healing atleast a little. 

    Depersonalization is lower as well. 

    Overall, I'm happier. 

    Have a nice day everyone. 

    • Like 2
  7. 30 days!!!!!!!! 

    Damn, it's already 30 days.

    I don't think I've gone this far without games since childhood. 

    I don't think I've changed much so far. 

    But the main thing that keeps me going is open mindness I feel without games. 

    To be honest, my main issue feels more like mentality issue than an addiction. 

    Basically, I just feel insecure, and I've been insecure my whole life. 

    When I get home from vacation I'll see the psychiatrist I've been talking about. 

    I'll also do a full health examanation so I can exclude any physical illness. 

    I'm scared, I'm really scared I'm losing my mind and that I'll never feel ok again. 

    Anyways. 

    Vacation has been enjoyable in a way. Ever since recovering from the sickness a couple of days ago, I've felt more relaxed.

    The atmosphere of a new environment is helping me think differently. 

    I have this good familiar feeling from childhood. Like everything is fine. 

    Friends also bring this constant atmosphere of company.

     

    About my depersonalization.

    I still feel it mildly, and sometimes its more expressed. 

    That's my main fear right now. 

    It feels so terrible. It's like you're not alive, like your thoughts aren't yours. 

    Fuck man, i hope it's not permanent. 

    Have a nice day everyone. Keep it going. 

    • Like 2
  8. I hate this shit already - Day 25

    Fuck man, anxiety has started to kick in. 

    I'm also getting some home sickness. 

    I tried to enjoy the day and drank wine and smoked some cigs. Just made me more anxious. 

    Now I know to never drink or smoke again. I'm done with that shit. 

     

    I just want to have fun, but I'm not sure I know how. 

    I'm gonna try as best I can to write daily agendas, exercise and write this journal. Hopefully that will be enough to keep me sane. 

    If you guys have any tips for dealing with home sickness please do share. 

    I've been having thoughts of watching porn and playing video games, but I can't quit. 

    I really want to enjoy this vacation and hopefully I will by the end. 

    Have a nice day people! Stay strong. 

    • Like 2
  9. Vacation day !!! - Day 24

     

    Finally got enough sleep last night and today I've been packing all day. 

    I'm leaving in about an hour and I wanted to write my journal before I leave.

    Nothing special really happened yesterday and today.

    Mostly been sleeping and working.

    About the copywriting course, I got in and I will start it in september.

    I'm so happy about it and I feel like I have some peace finally in my mind.

    When it comes to my mind:

    I'm still having some depersonalization, but I'm kind of used to it right now.

    Mild anxiety, but mostly I feel better right now. Almost normal.

     

    In other news I had 2 wet dreams last night. Yes two.

    One when I took a nap and one when I went to sleep. I'm not mad really, I couldn't control it.

    I have a bit lower energy and lower sexual libido, but nothing I haven't experienced.

    I just don't want it to affect my social interactions on vacation.

     

    So about vacation:

    Me and like 20 more friends are going to a place called Djenovici in Montenegro.

    We are staying there till the 1st of august.

    Haven't ever been there, but hopefully it'll be fine.

    My number one goal is to improve my relationships with women.

    Other than that I just don't want to pick up bad habits like smoking for an example.

     

    As always guys, have a wonderful day! I'll update you when I get the chance.

    • Like 3
  10. Going on vacation on saturday - Day 22

    I've been working everyday this week, except tuesday. 

    It's been annoying. I have to get up at 5:30 every morning. 

    The upside is i get to think less, and just work.

    I've been a lot more relaxed because of that. 

    Anyways, I'm going on vacation with friends on saturday. I just hope its all gonna go well. 

    I really want to have a good time, and connect more with my friends. 

    As for my emotions:

    I've been getting mild depersonalization. 

    Insecurities about the future and overthinking a bit. 

    Overall, nothing major. 

     

    I'm gonna go to bed now, really tired. 

    Have a wonderful day guys! 

    • Like 3
  11. Making my own decisions - Day 21

    It's been a pretty average day today.

    I went to work(barely got up), then after that I went to talk with my copywriting course guide.

    The place and the whole bussiness school looks really professional, like super professional.

    The woman which I talked to was very nice, and she just looks very happy and motivated to praise their program and their school. 

    I have another course in mind, which is more of a personal course. And is also cheaper. I prefer it, because i think I'll learn more. 

    I sent the application for the second course today. I will pick one by friday. 

    I'm happy I'm making decisions for myself. 

    I haven't achieved anything, but its a good start I think. 

    Yeah, maybe copywriting won't suit me. But I'll give it a shot anyways, i need to try. 

    That's all from me. 

    Have a nice day people! Don't give up. 

     

    • Like 2
  12. Fear of failure - Days 19,20

    Hey guus how's it going. Forgot to post yesterday so I'm doing it now before bed. 

    At work I've been getting a lot of anxiety. Not even about work. I just feel like a failure when at work. It's like I'm at roxk bottom. And when I'm done with work for the day I'm extatic, feel so much more relaxed.

    An hour ago i took a cab to a place. I talked with the driver and he talked abput how he works 17 hours a day. 

    And that triggered anxiett that i will end up like him and have no life. I feel like I'm just living out of fear of failing. I don't know if thats an okay mentality right now. 

    On another note I decided I'm gonna take a copywriting course which lasts 3-6 months. I'm not sure if im going because of fear. But i feel like im making the right decision. 

    I was at a friends house and now im going home. I need to get up for work in 5 hours wish me luck boys. 

    Have a wonderful day as always. 

     

  13. @LucyInTheSky I recommend running instead of walking. Or just exercise at home. It will reduce your stress levels and your body will feel good. There's an app called 7 minute workout. The workout is literally 7 mins. But there's more intense exercices if 7 min isnt enough for you. Walking is fine, but I think this will benefit you much more. Do a workout then go for a walk, like you would do on a treadmill.

    Just doing 1 or 2 consistent habits everyday will help you get through this a lot easier. Just keep true to the process, It'll pay off in the end. 

    And that's why I say write consistently. It will remind you to stay on track. 

     

  14. Every time you have a craving, remember. Gaming will never bring you the happiness you use to have. If you relapse it might seem like you're fine, but after 1 week or so you'll have the same shitty feeling you had while gaming. So, just dont listen to your head too much. Keep yourself occupied and I also recommend writing daily here, dont skip days.

    • Like 1
  15. Please I just want to die. I can't think anymore - Day 18

    First I'm going to express my thoughts here. Hopefully it will give me some relief.

    Thoughts:

    - I'm really sad that things have to change, I'm not good at changes. Good or bad, I just can't stand changes

    - I'm tired of fighting my thoughts and emotions, just want to figure this shit out.

    - I miss highschool. It was a sad period of my life, but I miss it anyways, but at the same time I glad I'm moving on.

    - I don't know what is normal

    - Can I please just do one thing without overthinking shit

    - I just want peace mentally, nothing else, I just want to feel peace so I can move on with my life.

    - Can I just be normal please. I just want to be loved and to have a constant job. I don't want anymore stress.

     

    Today has been rough mentally.

    I'm feeling anxiety, but not for anything specific really. Just existential crisis type anxiety.

    My anxiety skyrocketed when I was out with friends today. It was weird, not because of my friends. It felt weird because we didn't have any school tomorrow or next week. Everyone is going their different ways and that just tears me apart. I don't want anyone to go. I want shit to stay the same, even if it wasn't ideal. Life has changed so much in the last month and a half. I don't want anymore change, PLEASE. Can i please find my peace. I've been searching for peace for 4 years, why havent I found ANY CLOSURE. I still have the same thoughts since day 1. I'm stuck an endless loop of chasing short highs and misery.

    Life is passing by too fast, and I don't know how to slow down and enjoy it. Please god, just help me find my happiness. I don't know how to handle shit anymore. 

    Where's happiness? I haven't felt it in so long. Will I ever have it?

    I miss you all. Mom, dad, Marija, Ilija, my dear friends Andrej, Zeljko, Raseta. Even though you're all here I still miss you evey moment because I don't want to lose any of you. I love you all so much, and I want nothing but happiness for you all. I don't want to spend another moment in misery, I don't want to achieve anything. All I want is to be with you all for the rest of my life.

    I'm no good at goodbyes.

    I'm so scared. What will happen to me? Life is wonderful, but I'm scared to live it. It's so beatiful, but its so scary at the same time.

    I'm scared I'll fail my life. I don't want to fail. Please no.

     

    Thank you for reading this emotional post. I'm writting this while crying. I'm sorry if the post doesn't make sense. I just needed to let out everything I had.

    Please have a wonderful day, and take care of yourself. Life's too short so don't think too much like me, be happy.

    UPDATE:   Talked to a friend over the phone. Feel more relaxed now. I let everything I had out, in words and in cries.

     

    • Like 1
  16. Work and mental relaxation - Day 17

    Update on yesterday's high emotions:

    Took an Elicea (antidepressant) in the morning. It works more like an energy booster. Felt exhausted from yesterday and just needed some energy. 

     

    Work:

    I'm really happy I went to work today. It helped me relax mentally soooo much. 

    I didn't want to go at firsthand, wasn't really excited even during work. 

    But when I finished i was just super happy. 

    Relaxing with music at home and going to bed:

    I listened to some pretty slow paced music. Mostly listened to an artist called $NOT if anyone is interested. He has some really calming melodies in his songs and talks in a relaxing voice. 

    Had some thoughts about previous years and the moments i enjoyed the most. 

    For an example I thought about the time I would go out and sit on a bench in my primary school. I would smoke cigarettes and drink beer while listening to some emo music. Even though that was a pretty low point in my life I still remember it as a high point. 

     

    Overall, I used this day to calm my nerves. Tomorrow Im going out with friends so that will also hopefully help me relax. 

    Don't want to write too much, feel exhausted mentally still and I don't want any extra mental strain. 

    Have a wonderful day everyone. Stay strong! 

     

    • Like 2
  17. @goodvibes Yeah i hope its a withdrawal symptom as well. I always think of the worst thing possible when new stuff like this happens to me. Sadly, the new therapist im supposed to go to is taking a break from work. There was this therapist i went to before, but i never thought she really helped me. But i think im gonna search for anpther therapist in the mean time. Need to get my head straight. 

  18. Dealing with raw emotion - Day 16

     

    Emotions have been a constant obstacle these days. I find my self thinking of negative emotions for long periods of the day.

    Once I learn to deal with my emotions, consistentcy in my actions will be easier.

    But for now I'm just gonna have to deal with the constant doubts in my head.

    Who knows, maybe my emotions are right, maybe this is all for nothing. But I can't give up now, I need to take my actions all the way before I say "I tried".

    My sister pointed out to me that I stress about everything too much. I think she's right, but I've always been this way.

    I guess I just don't have any security to say I can relax. Damn, I wish there was just that one consistent bright spot to my day(like gaming was), that I can rely on to get through the day.

    For now though I'm gonna have to make due with a belief that there's a better life out there.

    Today I did the serenity prayer as pointed out to me by @ElectroNugget. It was different, I felt less pressure. I usually don't think about god much, but just praying to god is kind of a stress reliever. So thanks for the advice ElectroNugget !

    In other news I'm going to work tomorrow so hopefully I can get out of my head a bit. 

    I'm not gonna drag out this post for too long, I'm emotionally drained from the day.

    I want to thank you all who have read my posts and supported me these past 2 weeks. Some days i don't want to get out of bed, but then I remember all of you and how I would let you down. I'm might not seem like much, but you guys combined with my family and close friends, keep me going. I appreciate you all !

    HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!

     

     

     

    • Like 1