Pochatok

How am I doing on my targets: Nope, TV shows have persisted- Evangelion has been a purposeful watch, and I am also at that point in immersion within the show that it is influencing my outlook on life. I could probably pause it entirely, but I feel like that would consume more effort and time than letting the last episode unravel. Games I quit as intended, though! No clear schedule- bedtime is all over the place, wake time is inconsistent, my dreams are heavy and exciting. Too exciting- I struggle to get out of bed because sleeping feels better than anything else throughout the day. Ouch, scary to admit that. Well, the solution is to minimize dreams- wake up earlier. Journaling about 1hr day, though not very centered. Need to bump up the hours, though the core project has been chosen and is being worked on. Above all, or perhaps underneath everything, is my overall lack of passion. I both feel sleepy and unmotivated. Perhaps I should go on a walk. *goes on a walk* Love walking. Helped a lot. I really want to animate, huh. But not now. After I am done with the essay, or it will never get done. Feeling better. Let's carry on- I feel the heat of passion again!

Tomorrow is here, what do I envision now? Quit all media until next week- no games, no TV shows. Try my best to rebuild my coping mechanisms. Re-purpose my morning/evening routines. I need to stick to a schedule to avoid getting lost, yet now I know the value of space and being in the present moment- what's a good synergy of these? Journal 1hr/day until next week Determine the #1 project and work towards it first thing in the day, for 3-5hrs/day. All other things need to become secondary, again. Specify: I will journal for 20 minutes on why I want to quit all media I will dedicate 20 minutes to creating routines I will generate a series of topics to journal on 3x20mins/day I have determined my top priority project: distill my current research into separate blog entries. ✨Let's do the work

Wait, there's more... Confessions! I have strong impostor syndrome at work: I feel that my character isn't compatible with this position- the way I am asked to interact with people goes against both my preferences and the skills I've developed. I feel as though my uniqueness is an issue, and I am hesitant to change the way I am (because I love it). For context, I find the way I view the world to align strongly with Adlerian beliefs of respect, interdependence, and horizontal relationships. At my workplace, I am asked to relate vertically instead, as I act as a policy enforcer. I also find my offers of respect treated as a liability ("you're too trusting"), and interdependence unavailable, as the relationship between me and the people I work with (students) is more distant and cold than I'd like for a variety of reasons. While I know this will improve over time, right now the growth is slow, and I am not sure how much I want to embrace it, even. I want to change jobs sooner than 8mo. That's twice the time I've spent at the workplace already, though 3 out of those 8 will pass by rather quickly (summer work, breaks, etc.). I don't care "enough" for the job. Yes, I do the minimum of work, and even more than that, but I just don't feel much passion for doing this work. Perhaps, I have not made the effort to care; yet also, it's genuinely not a position where my identity, interests, and existing strengths/skills are of that much use. Yes, I'm learning a lot, but much of it I hope to not utilize outside of work. I am emotionally drained- hence the desire to play video games, watch TV shows. Every other form of media reminds me of how I want to (and can, and should) live a different life, so it's hard to engage. I am tired of feeling tired- I know that I can choose to be passionate and feel passionate, and yet right now it is not a place of desperation from which I tend to operate. In words of Octavia Butler, "humans tend to go to the edge". What do I do now, huh? Having just played 30mins of games (extremely rewarding, which is exactly what I'm craving- a sense of competence, accomplishment, my work rewarded), I feel more ready to admit/notice what are the things I'm lacking in my current life. It seems that I must step up my job and put a bit more effort in. Otherwise, the feeling of incompetence will drive me down into gaming and other escapist ways of feeling accomplished and competent. I also MUST find a hobby that is less addictive yet provides a similar sense of accomplishment when completed- let's get back into art, music, any kind of artistic activity where I can get quick results. Once all of this is set, I hope to feel empowered again to undertake unrewarding tasks that I call "my life's work". Right now, conviction is not enough to pull me into it with passion, but only with discipline. Let's move to tomorrow with these thoughts.

Alright, let's create some "determinations" briefly. First, I want to acknowledge that I'm feeling so incredibly down. And I will seek help, shortly- calling a friend tonight, another one tomorrow. Not sure why this is beyond feeling "stuck" (which I know to be irrational, but I don't think my feelings have caught up yet). Determinations: I am changing jobs in early August 2024 (8mo from now) Completion of the project that I've considered my life's work for the last 1.5mo has become impossible I am undergoing incredible crisis of doing/making: I know that what I am doing now is not worth my time, but I am not sure what is. I am continuing to move forward I have been avoiding my emotional state a lot and have dedicated little time to reflection I am rebuilding my habits, sleep schedule, and other things slowly This week has been tough, for reasons out of my control I will persist, no matter what I am reflecting more frequently here than before I am refusing to give up I have stopped playing games I have been able to abstain from porn consumption for a record amount of time With all of this, where do I go?

To echo @visitor's concerns in a gentle way, I am curious about your prioritization of pre-determined control instead of making choices in the present moment. If this were to happen to me, I'd immediately drop the task to take care of the mushrooms (in my rationale, I'd be avoiding the problem and therefore making it worse, and then dedicating more time to the task of drying as a result). But it seems that for you, having the past be in control of your present is the preferred way of choice-making. How come?

Alright, let's reflect. I feel drawn to do other things, which feels great. The last couple of days I felt drawn to nothing at all; now I find myself actively prioritizing and making choices. Ah, I'm so glad to be alive and feel pain and struggle. -- So, I had a life-changing vacation. Wasn't a vacation truly, as I exerted more effort than I ever have emotionally and interpersonally. And, my purpose wasn't to relax, but to build a meaningful relationship with a very close friend. And there was much building- we moved from platonic to romantic to platonic again, to now something that feels like a "coming of age" couple moment. I don't have a stable term for our relationship, really, but they suggested "companionship". We walk together, sometimes holding hands. I like that. That "vacation" has helped me notice so much of my aspirations for who I want to be with, why I want to live the way I do (and do not), how I want to prioritize my time... And it also reminded me how much healing I have to do, and how unsatisfied I am with my current situation. My job isn't bad- it's light yet plenty of learning. My colleagues are wonderful and embrace me as I am, yet I feel so different from them that developing closer bonds feels both too effort-full and unwanted. And the pains from my past relationships keep rising the anxiety levels even as I feel more and more free to be here and now. With all of this, where do I go now? I know I "should" work 10-14mo here before moving on, but I feel so limited. I want to wake up in physical proximity to people I love. I want my job to feel hard to put down. I want my personality to be the most valued asset in the workplace. I want to contribute to making the world a better place, and like MUCH, much better- the kind of radical work that barely pays and is discouragingly difficult. And these are not dreams- these are things I will actively work towards, now. I am looking for new opportunities. I talk to strangers every day, though so far not one has turned to a friend. I am creating important personal projects that matter to the present, not just the future that may never come. But it's hard to keep going. Especially after that vacation- to know how greatly different I want my life to be, and how little I can access of that vision in the present tense; it's so damn heavy to carry this with me. Yet, I am privileged to be so strong, so capable. I want to keep making the world a better place. But not at the expense of my own wellbeing, of happiness, of healing. This vacation didn't just change the sky which I hope to reach; it changed the air I breathe. And hurts more to ignore the freshness in my lungs than to accept the pain of unfamiliarity with this atmosphere. I want to keep moving forward, whole. Without leaving my happiness ahead, in the distant future. Without putting my pain behind, always encroaching on the present. Without gazing so hard into the present that I forget the color of the sky, and the freshness of the air. -- Yes, I'm so glad to be alive and be hurting and sad and lost 💛

I'm curious as to what your conception of "lost time" is. As I've been reading more of "Time Management For Mortals", which talks in length about our perception of time itself as a commodity that is "spent" on future, I find myself distancing from concept of "lost" time. Cuz honestly, it is up to me in the moment whether time is "lost" or not. I am always doing something with it, it doesn't just sink through. And also, darn it, some things do feel like a "waste", where I certainly could have and should have chosen to act/be differently. For me, the line is drawn on whether I am present and actively making a choice to engage. When playing games, I loose awareness. When cooking without music/podcast/other low-commitment task, I tend to tense up and spiral into dark thoughts. Both of those tendencies are not active choices, and therefore I feel regret. But every time I make a conscious, intentional, honest choice... I cannot consider it "wasted" time, because I simply didn't know better. Humility is a wonderful feeling, do you think so?

Not feeling well about my ambition/care/love levels. Have been playing video games frequently again- about 100 mins over the last 2 days. Hope to expand on this tomorrow morning- a frustrating moment that I want to remember.

Before responding, I just want to say that your words on rest have resonated with me a lot. Having just come back from a 5-day trip with a person I love so, so much. It was a great time, and also a time of ignoring my inner calls to rest. Now I am feeling resentment towards them, and that's so hard to deal with. It feels although I ate too much chocolate (and it all was so good!) and now feel sick just thinking about it. Frustrating place to be in, but I'm learning and hope that the resentment will settle down. Now yes, I have been becoming better at taking care of myself, and asking for help, and not keeping it all inside. I appreciate your support and encouragement, it helps me prioritize this more 💛

You're so kind, I appreciate your empathy and care! I certainly dramatized that experience. It does feel like watching a dam break, but while on the board a ship capable of sailing through those waters. I am certainly not running, but do have a tendency to let the water carry me, rather than choose where I move. Therapy has not been accessible for some time, and I've been managing pretty well on my own, and with the help of friends. I do plan on resuming- last couple of weeks have been peaking my stress levels, and I want to find more sustainable ways of living. I am sorry that you've had similar experiences, and am glad that you've found a way to work through them 💖

My struggle isn't even to "create/crave content", but to sit and just be okay with my thoughts as they are. Today while baking, I've experienced some of the most intense stress in the last ten days-ish, and it was simply from me thinking through things that have been happening- as if I naturally dive into distressing thoughts. For me, always remaining present/active/intentional in some way is key to maintaining a manageable level of stress. Otherwise, it feels like watching a dam break: it's overwhelming and inevitable and there is nothing I can do but run... Not my favorite place to be ✨

Remind this to myself every day! I am someone who prefers to pull through the burnout for the sake of persistence, but it's important to have expectations that match my current state wellbeing! Thank you for sharing this :heart

So much happening! I'm so glad there's all these wonderful social and impactful experiences for you to recap from last week 🙂

Another hard point, following a blissful weekend. Perhaps it is my physical and emotional fatigues kicking in full gear. But on the surface, I simply am not following the advice of my wiser self: I did not journal enough in the morning, I did not journal at all in the afternoon, and I didn't time most of my efforts or generate goals preceding any time-consuming activities. Feeling guilty, and there is a lot of shame within my physical posture and in the back of my head. I know I will get better; I already am, simply by writing this. Current struggle is that of learning vs. creating grand things. Learning feel like a waste of time, especially so right now, where so much of my learning feels rather aimless. But at the same time, it seems that I have a hard time committing to big projects for the opposite reason: they require longer-term thinking, for which I tend to lose patience. And so I've been stuck dilating between learning/practice that does not make a significant impact on my bigger projects, and bigger projects that flop due to uninformed practice. Dear tomorrow me, how do I go about this catch-22?

Wohoo!!!! I'm so glad you're continuing to move forward with your passions, this is so amazing!

So, I've made a pretty weighed decision (internally) to not come back until this journal has a certain sense of purpose. What I seem to be looking for is spiritual wellbeing: feeling connected to the world through my values, and sensing the world reflect my values back to me. So, how can I explore this? Freestyle writing (no more than 100 words/entry) on the following topics: What have been some meaningful people, non-human life, my living environment, food, transport, etc. ? What are some beings/things I have been feeling disconnected from, or simply was at a distance from? How are my values reflected in the ways I connect with the world? How can my connection further my commitment to my own values? Let's try this... This week, some of the most meaningful connections have been following a trope of internalization/isolation: I have been undertaking inconsistent efforts to be present in the space meditation, daily journals, etc.), but, for some reason, it has not been leaving me feeling fulfilled as much as before. The inconsistency itself is a symptom of me feeling more disconnected than usual from my surroundings. I still follow my core habits: workouts, morning walks, reading at the end of the day, but the system doesn't give me the same state of thinkfeeling as before. I cannot tell what's shifting... From this, let's extract and explore 2-3 core findings (highlighted in bold). "different state of thinkfeeling": surprisingly, the entire last weekend I was feeling more energetic than ever in living at 100%. And while I've been journaling, listening to podcasts, and doing other things to remind myself how much value there is in full presence, it simply isn't sticking. And what I am afraid of is complacency with this order of things: forgetting that I can reach higher. Why do I not want to climb higher? internalization/isolation: it's not that I'm building walls against the rest of the world. Rather, I am simply feeling a gap between myself and my passions; I still put in the work, but my mind wants... nothing in particular? And, none of the usual things that give me pleasure are desired right now, including those I try to abstain from. I am simply at peace with everything that already is. Unfortunately, this is horrifying, though I acknowledge how wonderful of a privilege it is to feel this way. And now, the biggest question to end with: What do I do now? Perhaps, I can start with more gratitude. Isn't it so wonderful I feel like I am enough. A big reason that my passion-driving techniques do not work is that I am refusing to use shame and fear. I am choosing to listen to the abundance of the present, not scarcity. And perhaps, I also need to acknowledge that I need a different motivation system, rooted in celebration and joy rather than punishment and stress. Perhaps, I need to simply listen more deeply, as the answer is always within. 💮 Most definitely, I am afraid: what if this is not a feeling of sufficiency, but a curtailing of overwhelming stress, anxiety, and shame? What if it's all about to crash down on me, after a week of numbness that I mistake for peace? I will never know, but tomorrow me may have insights. I look forward to his entries. Thank you to all those who read and respond, your contributions are life-changing! Po

Surprisingly, the urges have completely dissipated despite life being plenty of stress still. My hope this has to do with deepening of my connection to sexuality, as well as living more closely attuned to the public-facing values like speaking up, doing activist work, etc. . But suggestion taken- I've actually been using that as an alternative sometime ago, may try again!

let's restructure this a bit, given that I am back to less-frequent updates. I want this to feel light and accessible rather than a heavy obligation. 🎇my biggest ambitions for the upcoming 100 days: enter a new line of systematic habits tomorrow make some dear friends this weekend (I will be hanging out with at least 3 people! So exciting!!) restructure my animation workline next week begin learning dance in 2 weeks (salsa?..) grow 100 followers on instagram in next 20 days join 1 climbing meetup within the next 3 weeks (a space for queer folks, so yay!) publish 3 music/vlog videos on a personal youtube channel in the next month finish my academic writing within 60 days gain a total following of 1k within 90 days give myself a bear hug once a day for 100 days send my research off in 100 days begin drafting my 1st video essay in 100 days 🍃 in all of this, three main areas appear: social connection: dance, relationships, other ways of social meetup are currently feeling a bit lacking, and I crave the weekend. so, so glad it's here. writing, or rather turning my thoughts into something accessible, readable, and sharing it with the world. I want to share my privilege of education. at the core of conceptualizing a happier vision of the future is animation. 🍃 a new concept appears- ✨ happier vision of the future ✨. what's all this about? lately, I've been narrowing down all of my hobbies into a singular purpose: to learn to vision a protopian future that is uniquely fitting for myself, and myself only. since choosing animation to be my top activity, along with writing, I've been thinking a lot about what truly is their impact: influencing imagination. Studio Ghibli films have embraced within me a different visioning for my future self, while Octavia Butler has helped me define what kind of environments I want my future self to be free of. this 🎇desire for influencing discourse on future visioning 🎇 has been becoming more integral to all areas of my being: social interactions help me envision the societies I want the future to have, while academic writing helps me analyze critically what is already known, and therefore notice limitations in my visioning of the future. and so this week, I've been pompously integrating this concept into my life. have to be careful; don't centralize it, but keep it a brighter star within the constellation that is my values. -- on another note, pornography addiction has been seeing improvement, but some behaviors remain unchallenged. my brain has a strong system for normalizing and validating certain instances of desire, and it's very hard, cognitively and emotionally, to counter them. next week, I hope to challenge those ingrained patterns by coming up (today) with alternative paths of action. 💖 Thank you for reading, I am so glad you've given your time and effort to walk along my journey 💖

Thank you so much! It's something I've adopted from the brightest people I've met this year. For them, it's not a mindset, but the way of being. I hope that someday I will be able to look at everything happening within my life from that POV. And yes, they certainly have led me to an unfulfilling day in the past! Lucky to be in a different place now.

@wheatbiscuit Thank you for your empathy 💖 It's a matter of time and practice, as you say! @Vee Haha I've lost my consistency too, perhaps because it was not a set goal per se, but just a coping mechanism. At the moment, I am 100% invested into academic writing, but once that's done, I want to come back to stories!!! @Ikar Funny enough, I do not see any similarities, but am very glad that my writing made you think of someone else, that's always a delight! Yes!!! And that's also exactly why I want to figure them out 🙂 It takes so much courage to act in difficult situations like these, and that's what drives me!

Ohhh I love that description! Perhaps a thing to try myself down the line 🙂

Haha yes, I've heard it to be surprisingly challenging no matter your physical ability- what'd you enjoy about it?

Woah, today went from a below-average to mind-bursting in an instant. Hard to bounce back, though at this point I can feel my future self gently massaging my back as I'm typing. So lucky to feel this connection 💛 And even luckier to feel love for the person I was just a couple hours ago, even though their decisions are hurting me a lot now. A misogynistic comment at work has been made, and though I had the strength to not enter complicity and smile along (at least not consciously) with others, I did not take the courage to address the issue and speak up. It is very hard to accept this- I feel so small and weak. The entire interaction, really, felt disempowering. While I am still struggling to see what exactly put so much weight on me, I generally felt misunderstood, not taken seriously, and perhaps even talked down upon in some situations. I certainly felt a strong struggle to stay attuned to my values- did I? It's hard to look at the situation from an outsider perspective yet, at least not while I am reflecting. How about this: I'll pause this entry and reflect right now. ... 📖 Journaling 📑 ... A couple takeaways: I do not think that anyone was intentionally putting me down. Perhaps what is going on is my inability to digest some social cues- for example, I could notice that folks where laughing/smirking between each other at certain moments, but it was hard for me to tie that into any cognitive conclusions. It was something I simply noticed. And ultimately, I am very glad to be caring so deeply about this, and not wanting to put up with it by the slightest. I remembered times of similar feeling across the prior months- these are the moments when my internal tectonic plates shift, when my future self shines through me. This is the moment of a significant possibility to become someone different. And I will grasp it It's amazing how moments like these always go from happening to me to happening for me. I only wish that this cognitive path was a bit shorter, for the pain of the journey from one to the other is immense- it has taken me ~2hrs to get to this point. And I'm still plenty of hurt. To those kind people who take the time and effort to read these- thank you so much. You're helping me build my future self, cell by cell. Po

Thank you so much- I'm curious as to what you mean by this! You're so right! Gotta check my privileges on this end more often +_+ I am so lucky to have people whom I can call friends, even if they're hundreds of miles away.

Did not make space for a reflection yesterday, and ohh man am I in need of one 💀 1. Significant Obstacles Today has been an especially heavy day, but I continue to make the effort of simply being present and intentional with every moment. Each second is an act of consent, of agreeing to be/act/feel/think a certain way. As long as I am meeting this goal, I am living to my fullest, and feel pride for myself. What's been making today heavy? First of all, exposure to difficult news. And the interesting thing I've noticed, is that it's not the news, but what they make me realize of myself that makes the headlines so challenging. One headline reminded me that I am not dedicating time and space supporting certain causes (but I feel as though I should- something to journal on), and another of a situation from over a decade ago that I've never reconciled fully with (and for that, I will seek therapy). And, the difficulty of balancing a highly ambitious, motivated life with self-compassion has been coming up, again. While I am so happy with how much I am working through, I tend to speak ill of myself as soon as the tempo slows down. I feel as although I am "wasting time", as although my efforts are lacking, as although I am "behind". Hope to not stay here. The week, on the other hand, has been rather bright overall. I've dealt with a wave of loneliness in a highly efficient, impactful manner. I've began to live much, much more with my passions. And, I've optimized greatly my everyday routines. The challenge now is in implementing the systems, and getting lost in their mundane-ness along the way. 2. Happiest Accomplishments Had an incredibly meaningful hangout yesterday, for the first time since graduation, with a person that has no prior history with me. Felt wonderful. I've been writing stories every day. Someday, they will turn into books, films, paintings... But for now, it is a practice of turning my inner state into a universe 🌃 3. Life Reflection Perhaps the most satisfying revelation: there is no lightbulb moments, but rather moments of passing through a certain level of being that resonates with my awareness. This week has been full of moments like that; the smooth motion that turns into miles being passed once you look back. What a wonderful feeling that I feel so lucky to have. My friends from back home (college) have been growing both more distant and closer. We talk less, but I feel more connected. We think of each other more infrequently, but with more love and passion. We don't feel as attached, but appreciate the history we have shared so far. I'm so grateful for how much awareness of my own beauty and love those people brought into my life with their presence. 3. Value Reflection Direct Impact Have done a lot, but every day is a big decision: why am I doing this? Why not abandon all and do something else? Quite frustrating to have these questions coming in- it feels although I cannot acknowledge their validity. Every time I give doubt space, and I have in the past, I'd end the thing. And, when it comes to other areas of life like relationships, of course listening to those doubts is a good thing. But every time I think of completing something that truly mattered to me in the end, it was through this kind of turmoil. My brightest artistic works were those where I had to truly push myself beyond what felt "right". Because, my works are inherently opposing what is deemed "correct". And damn, do I know, deep down, why this work is the work that I want to do? Yes, absolutely. But damn, do I have to dig into myself, so so deeply, everyday, to hear those words... Relation to Self Still waiting on a therapist- benefits have been slow to arrive. However, I've definitely become more loving, ever more loving towards myself. Last couple of days has been a light retraction of intentional self-compassion, so I hope to bring that back soon. Relation to Others Look forward to becoming more visible, both online and in-person. Ultimately, my time always feels so limiting... There is so much more I want to do, so many more people I want to meet- and it sucks that almost every decision in favor of something is a sacrifice against another choice. My life does feel scarce as of lately, at least on the social scene. However, it is a matter of time- I will be able to shift into a different way of being as long as I continue to develop my passions.