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Pochatok

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  1. Yet another day, grateful to be alive and breathing ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: didn't sleep in, but turned the alarm off- I keep going to bed far later than I would like to, dragging out the evening. I need to prioritize mornings more. They're far more critical than evenings. If I go to bed on time, I'm able to achieve so much more and feel brighter, happier. exercising: plenty- a prolonged leg workout, with some more walking/running during the day journaling: enough- late in the morning, but put the time in planning: some- failed to plan out a few very important tasks, but otherwise a productive, focused day connecting: minimum- stayed rather isolated, and did not talk w/ many folks overall focus session (FS) 1: animated plenty- pretty happy w/ how determined I was FS2: animated some more! got the 2nd idea started, yay FS3: n/a FS4: n/a learning - morning: on my homeland, geopolitics, and comlicated history of revolutions and coups in eastern european region - afternoon: 2 online learning sessions on current global wars, plus cop city in atlanta webinar reading-1 - morning: on climate justice reading-2 - evening: on climate justice, some more DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - lots of picking - social media- especially discord - some rabbit hole dives- wanting to suddenly search something, and then spiraling for 10-20 minutes on tangents - very weak desire for sexualization- did not listen, but still was distracted by.
  2. Ashamed of taking far too long today to get "real" work in. I've been learning and working through a myriad of important tasks all day, but only now, 11 hours after getting out of bed, am I beginning the work on my passions.
  3. A new day, a new me- yet again! ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: slept in slightly exercising: enough- good morning session + brief evening gym visit journaling: a bit in the morning, but not sufficient planning: insufficient again, though I was able to fill my evening w/ purpose connecting: didn't meet new people, didn't quite connect w/ those around me focus session (FS) 1: pushed all the way to evening, but some good work made- was able to write a story + 1st animated shot FS2: nope FS3: nope FS4: nope learning - early morning: podcast on discipline, purpose, meaning- no new ideas, but if felt nice to hear them rephrased by a different voice - early morning: short video on importance of emotional intelligence; felt good to have my values reaffirmed, as I already practice much of what the video preached - morning: learned more about demographics of different us states- the more i know, the more i am confused... - evening: watched an essay on importance of 2d animation, was quite meaningful to see that reading-1 - fiction: flipped through some pages of known work; need to start a new one asap- the current one is dragging me out! reading-2 - none DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - after work, struggled to get back in focus and resolved to pornography; first relapse in 3-ish weeks, but i want to do better than that! - plenty of distractions for news/video game development. i don't want to indulge in this- only engage in meaningful content
  4. I try to combine both- when I encounter someone I'm jealous of, if the situation is appropriate, I try to follow-up my admiration/celebration of their successes with a "can I ask a question"? And if they're up for sharing some of the wisdom that got them to where they are, that in itself helps me feel happier for them- because I see not only the result, but the work and luck that got them here.
  5. Hey! I'd say that this sense of jealousy can be quite productive- I get that from friends all the time. They share how AMAZING their day has been, and I'm over here, thinking about nothing but sleep. First thing, I share how I feel to those friends from a place of admiration: rather than saying "I'm jealous of...", I say "I admire that ___". Jealousy and admiration are quite close- imo, jealousy = admiration + insecurity. Second, I tend to look deeper into what exactly I'm feeling insecure about- knowing that they are having an AMAZING day, what is bothering me? Is it that my day isn't well, and I'm grieving? Or that I feel like my day cannot be as good, and I'm feeling "less than"? Or that something particular that happened for them today is quite desirable? I would keep sitting with this? Where does your sense of worth comes from? Who assigns it to you? Where would you want your sense of self worth to come from? many of those questions i was only able to answer once i accepted my uniqueness, that i'm weird and different and cannot (and don't really want to) fit 90% of societal expectations. i suggest working through that, too- there are many resources, from therapy to podcasts on self-acceptance/self-exploration. DM me if you want any suggestions! ❤️
  6. Another day, another me! How'd I do yesterday? ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: on time! exercising: plenty- walked around the city, up hill, and had a thorough lower body exercise journaling: plenty- throuhgout the day planning: insufficient- evening was very slow and unfocused as I had not set any aspirations for it connecting: plenty, met some people, presented myself strongly focus session (FS) 1: none, no time again- though could have allocated time in the morning/evening! FS2: nope FS3: nope FS4: nope learning - breakfast: learned about alexathymia- not to self-diagnose, but the connections between emotional openess and childhood isolation are helpful! reading-1 - non-fiction: while on the train, read through good 20-30 pages of a critique essay. hard to follow, but well-structured thought reading-2 - fiction: a bit before bed, though re-reading what I already know, rather than moving into new works DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - plenty of picking my skin - distraction w/ small tasks rather than large aspirations - "learning" that was really me flying all over the place, searching for entertainment
  7. Still lagging and distracted, but approaching a far more grounded lifestyle! last week in one sentence: disorganized aspirations CHANGE IN FORMAT So, I am now moving to a personal blog site (here!) for weekly updates, and this will be a more casual daily tracker. I'm 80% done with setting up my "new lifestyle", the aspiration toward which can be found in the blog. So, let's check the daily (I will be updating this every morning): ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: late, quick exercising: enough, but a lot of sitting down journaling: minimum in the morning, didn't reflect much throughout the day planning: plenty. proud of how much I was able to put together for my future vision connecting: minimum, responded to a couple friends but so much more i wish i had the time to share focus session (FS) 1: none today, no time FS2: nope FS3: nope FS4: nope learning - at lunch: watched "stalking for love" and "the lesbian gaze" video essays. i am grateful for being granted awareness of the unquestioned, quiet, but incredibly harmful discourse that media perpetrates, and for being provided better alternatives- for both my own behaviors, and media choices - spanish: none today, but downloaded/purchased necessary learning material, yay! reading-1 - spanish: n/a - non-fiction: 30min session- learning about limitations of current environmental movements reading-2 - fiction: n/a DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - newsbrowsing- got lost in memes and things that are interesting, but not important.blocked the news site - eating poorly- very narrow nutrients; no veggies or protein. missing veggies, meats, dairy, softer foods - picking my face a lot at the end of the day- mistake, mistake! quit it. get rid of my mirror - overall passivity- i am observant, but not proactive. my communication skills are close to exceptional, but my presence is lacking. i am not the leader i want to be.
  8. Hey! I'm sorry your height has been used against you in such dehumanizing ways. Your height doesn't define you, and neither is it a disadvantage in any way. In high school, I was stuck in a similar mindset- I'd work out 7 days a week, non-stop, to make up for the sources of my social insecurities- poor knowledge of English, social anxiety, acne, etc. . But none of that helped- like video games, it was another way to escape, rather than unpack my insecurities. Confidence can only be built-up by addressing insecurities. To "make up" for an insecurity by building up confidence in another area of your lifestyle is a dangerous path. I was very lucky to have my insecurities stripped away when I entered college- people loved me for who I was, and I began to accept myself as is, too. I hope you can find a community like that for yourself- those who don't see your height as making you any less of a person. Cuz that's the truth, and I'm sorry other people around you are so embedded in their own insecurities that they have a need to bring you down. ❤️
  9. I am concerned that you're setting yourself up for a more insidious type of bullying by embracing another set of stereotypes about men of color. I hope you'll be able to find a space/community where you don't need to exchange racialized bullying for sexual stereotyping. I'm sorry that your peers feel threatened by your skin color to an extent that causes them to bully you. Yes, none of this proves who you are, but it does limit how other people see you, which is damn awful. Was bullied for my dark[er] skin tone as well- but I also was very lucky to have my parents move to a place where my skintone became the average and nobody cared anymore. ❤️
  10. Have you thought of doing calisthenics/weight-free exercises? I've never had a gym membership, just exercise outdoors/in my room.
  11. Wow, that's a huge change in your (and more than yours!) life- excited for you to navigate it!!!!
  12. Ashamed of waking up slowly, and not truly getting intentional with my day until 1-2hours after waking up. I want to live fully, not in haze. Tomorrow, will make sure to put my alarm away from the bed. Have also purchased a separate alarm clock, to not need the phone by bed. Will make sure to set intention first think in the morning by keeping sticky notes next to the bed, to write on as soon as I'm awake.
  13. Time management has been a struggle. But I'm committed to building better, slowly. last week in one sentence: motivational rollercoaster Let's Reflect: This is gone. I am back towards being preoccupied by the broader movements of life, of others' wellbeing, and of my own. It feels good to feel urgency from sensing the world change, the present slip away, rather than from watching the clock. Been exercising connecting w/ my past and future self more frequently. My current pathway towards exceptionality seems to be compassion and grief + future self imagining + presence + determination. When those four are intertwined, I am at my highest. Other than that, it has been a strong yet disorienting week. I am a lot more determined, yet action has been stalling (as with this journal entry...). I am passionate, yet habits are not being built. I am courageous, yet insecurities leak through. I am determined to build better, higher, but I am missing a solid, determined plant and am wallowing in shallow waters as a result. So, let's plan! Let's set goals! aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years): The above is a continued revision of my goals, with edits from this week in italics. Below is a recap of the edits: - just one: rebuild a habit network that sets me on fire. This month, that has been brought to shambles, and I am yet to rebuild. I am happy with my spirit, but frustrated with the efforts and their tempo. goals (50days- by March): Journal daily Worldbuild [...] 30mins/day Meditate 20mins/day Reflect weekly here - treat this as a personal blog; write w/ passion stop picking my skin be up by, not with sunrise ✅ done already: - local service -> 4 different organizations, yay - reading daily -> at least an hour/day, yay - keeping a tracker -> daily habit - reflecting here every week -> w/ delays, but consistent 🔺 need effort: - meditating -> weekly goal of 7 sessions - worldbuilding -> weekly goal of 2 animations - writing -> weekly goal of 2 essays - daily journaling -> journaling 7 times 🏹 ambitions: - write a paragraph every day for my book - read 3 books/month - take 30 photos/month So, no more concrete goals- strong systems that will amount to surplus of achievements, I think. It seems that creating concrete deadlines for truly grand projects is just unrealistic. Let things fall into place on their own, with no expectation- but create systems that will GURANTEE creation of grand projects within 100 days. With this, onwards! Thank you to all who read my entries, and who share their own thinkfeelings on this forum- you inspire me every day.
  14. So glad you're looking at it through the perspective of learning! I'm glad that you can acknowledge, too, that some of what made this exam difficult was out of your control- you did your best! Best of luck preparing, I hope that your efforts will be rewarded next time!
  15. Would you want to expand on this? What are your concerns for DND?
  16. Feeling ashamed of accepting "feeling tired" and not cultivating ambition/desire to do better. Yesterday, most of my day was spent in that hazy state of "relaxed". Today, already an hour lost to this feeling. To work through this, I am re-structuring my routine: begin the day w/ something deeply inspiring, not grief-provoking. Grief is key to my passion, but it can be immobilizing.
  17. Hey! So sorry this happened- how are you feeling about this? How do you want to move forward through this experience?
  18. Back to Tuesday reflections, yay! Last week in a few words: a slow death Let's Reflect: Moved paced that, finally. But not into a place of passion- rather, anticipation. I know what I want to live a fully purposeful life, and a lot of it is internal- being present, acting with intent, taking courageous action every day... And also, it's about who I am helping with my work: right now, it's a bunch of rich people. I am not helping people in need much, if barely. I want to be of use where my hands are needed. This still rings true, and in combination w/ the desire to be of use to people who I believe will benefit most from my whole being... I feel quite lost- it's hard to look broadly with aspirations that are aimed at the immediate. When the point is to simply get started, my reach is inherently limited. I know that I want to reach millions, but how do I accomplish that from where I am? My immediate aspirations are so far out from that. And w/ this dilemma unsolvable, I have been feeling stressed. This unmovable object has encouraged isolation and anxiety within me- I've been feeling more acute of time's limitations, but not in that I am, broadly speaking, gonna die. Rather, the anxiety of having a meeting scheduled tomorrow, of knowing that I won't have all the time in the day. To keep reminding myself that now is all I got is the only way. Stop expecting that more time in the future is the solution; tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Those meetings are only challenging me to be my best self. Hopefully, life is long and I get to make it all the way through to the top of my aspirations; but regardless, today is all I got. I still want to fly- but it's not something that will happen; I either leap into the sky now, or never in particular. Let's set goals! aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years): The above is a continued revision of my goals, with edits from this week in italics. Below is a recap of the edits: - I no longer want a stable income, but to not need an income at all. I want to work for free, because so often what I do is reserved for very, very privileged few. The audiences I want to work with will likely not provide- so how do I serve them while sustaining myself? - I want to interconnect my education/direct action and the worldbuilding/burning efforts. For my visions to be the subject of my students, and for the classroom discussions to influence what worlds I envision. This would be an incredible synergy to achieve. goals (50days- by March): Journal daily Worldbuild [...] 30mins/day Meditate 20mins/day Reflect weekly here - treat this as a personal blog; write w/ passion Keep a daily tracker 1hr of learning through reading 3-5hrs of local service per week stop picking my skin be up by, not with sunrise Most of these are achieved (those in bold are not) - service is slow to kick in, but I've signed up for numerous opportunities and am active. So, let's set some more: Publish my academia- work through it. It was a January goal, and I am still nowhere near moving past it. It's not a big public thing, but to have it be reviewed and finalized is simply an important act in its own. It will help me narrow down my direction for worldburning efforts. Share my worldbuilding online- it's past time of passive learning. With February kicking in, I need to start creating an audience. If I want to work for free, I need to have a community willing to take care of me. Again, just two goals, but they're huge- the former has been in the words for last 5 months, and the latter has been a struggle for far longer. They're existentially-critical aims, achieving which is unimaginable! That's all for this week- it's been challenging, but my determination to life fully, with a sense of joy, satisfaction, and purpose is as present as ever. Just need to let it channel through.
  19. Feel ashamed of giving up my capacity to care and grieve in the last couple of days. That's literally the reason I have not been feeling passion, now I realize. Well, onwards- to caring, compassion, love for all the suffering being experienced in this moment, beyond the walls of my comforts.
  20. Hi Ado! Do you intend to quit games entirely in the future, or are you aiming for moderation? Beyond "seeing the backlog", do you have other motivators for NOT starting new games?
  21. Circling back to Tuesday reflections, slowly. This week in a few words: cathartic failures everywhere. Let's Reflect: Still true. I feel like I'm continuing to be more kind and loving and graceful with myself. And with that, comes more rest. And with that, comes boredom. And with that- realization that I'm still not living a life that feels truly purposeful. Why bother writing? Why bother doing these monumental projects? Sure, I care for a better job/community/environment, and will continue to hold up my routines solely because those things matter. But the grander system of dreams is lacking. I can make up these incredible goals and aspirations for all sorts of accomplishments, but none of them matter beyond admiration. And not to neglect social status- it matters! But, an internal drive is lacking. And, I'm done picking up others' purpose- it just doesn't last. I keep reading book after book on these awesome people whose energy is infectious. But, I don't stay sick for long, and routines turn monochromatic again. This week, I've been isolating myself from inspiring and exciting works- because they simply trip me into running further. I want to fly. Let's set goals! aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years): The above are from last week, with edits in italics. 6MO ULTIMATES: Live the most purpose-full life I've ever lived Practice collaboration, organizing, and leadership on a daily basis- no more lone wolfing Channel the world through me daily- meditate, ponder, get lost within the environment goals (50days- by March): In bold are those I am yet to act on; those in italics are successfully integrated. The rest are a WIP. I want to push myself to excellence, but I keep landing in complacency. No more. Yes, I want purpose- but it is built on a disciplined lifestyle. Reflecting under warm blankets is giving me no better answers than artmaking; the latter has more interpersonal impact, though. Some things I want to let go of before next reflection. Picking my face- quit it! become invested in facial care. Sleeping in/waking late/going to bed late -> strive for purpose. When all else fails, discipline of habit MUST hold me up. Thank you for journeying alongside- I hope this entry brought you something to reflect on ❤️
  22. I'm not sure what you mean by "staying positive". Most of my day is not positive whatsoever; I actually struggle with feeling joy and satisfaction. A word to describe a good day for me is rather "purposeful"- I'm living in alignment with my dreams and values, and though that rarely feels good/positive, it feels meaningful. What purpose are you striving for? Once you reach 75kg and quit games- what's next?
  23. Brief reflection on a frustrating Sunday: Lost an hour to "lunch", but so much of it was a mixture of rest and work. The two cannot be mixed together. I cannot attempt to take in pleasure while also undertaking goal-oriented efforts. For me, to act in a goal-oriented manner is to act beyond what I immediately desire. Eating amazingly-tasting food, on the other hand, is the opposite. Doing both at the same time is so exhausting- and so, for the last hour-ish, I've been in a draining limbo. I achieved little, because I didn't make space to prioritize my thoughts and intentions. I feel like going on a walk for 10, 20, maybe 30 minutes. Nothing frustrates and self-shames me more than moments like this, where a failure to be honest and transparent to myself results in painful mistakes. No more. I want no more of this- the actions of the person I was 30mins ago are hurting exponentially in the present; I feel so much jealousy towards my future self- he is healed, rested, at peace.
  24. A second one today! Ashamed of denying myself comfort and pleasure for their own sake. I failed to relax and nourish myself, as the goal wasn't to feel good (about myself), but to perform better at an activity as a result of rest. There is some hypocrisy involved, and I did not need to go through these experience- my gut was waving red flags in all the instances. Oh, this hurts like decade-long trauma: silencing my deeper feelings through creating an excuse to rest, either because I actually don't want to rest, or because I'm not engaging with rest in a nourishing way. Here's to learning.
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