Pochatok

Day 84. Oh my lemme tell you how it been... ~~~A mindset that helped me avoid relapse~~~ Being home has certainly had an effect on me- this is usually where and when I relapse. However, by Friday that effect began lessening, as I was getting more occupied with other things I wanted and needed to do. My main thought was: "If I were to play games today, even for 30 minutes, I would have not been able to do [another activity that took up 30 minutes]" That helped me a lot, given that I would not have enough time to complete everything I wanted anyways! Waking up every morning, looking over yesterday's to-do list and knowing that I did everything that I could in order to get things done is quite empowering. At the same time, simply imagining waking up and knowing that I decided to game rather than, let's say, walk my dog or chat with my partner puts such an incredible amount of guilt and regret in my head... I do not want to feel it! Overall, that mindset- of knowing what I would not be able to do if I were to game (cuz there always is something I could rather do), and imagining the negative feelings I'd experience if I were to relapse- helped greatly, along with some distractions. ~~~Activities that helped me avoid relapse~~~ One of such distractions was getting Root the Board Game, and finally getting to play it with my family! I've been spending at least 30 minutes every day looking at playthroughs, thinking of strategies, or re-learning rules (instead of doing the same for videogames). Honestly, I'm experiencing similar excitement and doing similar activities as if this was a videogame, not a board game. However, I am excited not about the game itself but about interacting with others while playing; I am learning the rules so that everyone gets to enjoy the game equally, rather than simply me succeeding; and, I am watching playthroughs because seeing people bond, laugh, and get angry over this game makes me socially happy. Yet when I am watching a playthrough of a videogame, I am always focused on the game itself. ~~~Today's Takeaway~~~ Overall, I think that I will always try to look for leisure activities that resemble games to some extent. But if I take my time to find activities like board games, which make me excited in the same way, I will get a ton of real-life benefits and long-lasting joy, rather than only virtual benefits and joy that is quickly replaced by guilt and regret. Finding things that are actually good for me while also scratching that video game itch I have is probably one of my larger goals at the moment, given how close I am getting to relapse. Not today though, today I will succeed 🙂 Wish you a better week, Po

Hang in there! No matter how much you might be feeling like relapsing at the moment, the second you do it there will be all that guilt and regret. Bleurgh, nasty nasty 😠 Something that@wazzapp has recently said in their journal has also helped me greatly: "Sometimes i feel unmotivated, then i remember that my future-self would probably have wanted me to be productive today. And some day i will be in that future regardless if i want it or not." No matter what happens between now and your next entry, don't quit on quitting please 🙂 Po

Aaaand we're at day 81. Feels alright. Kinda wanna play since I'm feeling stressed with the environment and daily schedule changes, and, for the first time in almost three months, not going to sleep in the same bed with my partner. I know that this is very much for the best, and that I needed this break, but the initial discomfort is really daunting. If I get through tonight and tomorrow without video games, it will be much easier from there on. Do not want to reset the no gaming clock, I've gone for almost three months now! Being honest, not gaming is like THE thing I've been able to sustain for the longest so far. I do not exercise daily, I do not read everyday, yet not playing games every day is turning out to be one of my most persistent goals in 2021. The last few days have been hectic but good. It seems like I have a good chance of getting lots of money from my university, which means I will be able not only pay off tuition for next year but also afford some traveling with just me and my partner. As far as I can tell, I have finished this term well, despite some last-minute setbacks, like getting declined from two of the highest-paying internships I applied for. Overall, life is good. Just gotta earn a bit more money, as always. How are you? Po

Just want to journal as it is day 78, and a few things have happened. First of all, let's recap the good stuff: I have been dealing very well with porn addiction; have not watched any in over a week (which has not happened to me in many months). Big thanks to @Average_Guyfor your tips, they made a major difference. Additionally, I have been earning much more money than anticipated this term, so that's a relief. Lastly, my grades, personal life, and hobbies are developing nicely. I am feeling accomplished overall. Oh, just one more thing: tomorrow I will bike to a board game store to get myself Root!!! So excited 🙂 Now, the reason I wanted to journal in the first place: professionally, things have been discouraging. I am feeling like last summer again, when a lot of things I applied to turned me away, and I ended up with some lameeee projects. The main issue for me is that I really need money, so I am largely looking out for paid internships. But, given how competitive those are, I did not get in. This is quite sad to me, given how much time I put into polishing my resume, having high grades, and so on. The doubts are certainly coming in: "does having high grades even matter?", "what if I won't be able to land any jobs in the future?"... But, all I can do is keep trying; there are still quite a few more opportunities I can apply for, and even I do not get any of those, I can find other ways of making money. Hard work does not always pay off, but it nonetheless makes me better and stronger. Maybe next summer I will get the internships I want. But either way, I just have to keep improving, and not give into the doubts that are flooding my head. Other things: excited for my short break from school! I'll have the opportunity to earn a bit of money, better my chances for getting a $1k internship, and work on a few other fun projects. Although I am not certain that I will not relapse, I am sure that this break will be productive and fun. I thank you all and everyone who comments here in my journal, you make a tremendous difference. If I ever get rich and famous (hopefully not lol) I will cite y'all as the reason to my success lol Have a good week, Po

Thank you Jason! I totally agree, my perspective on gaming is very similar. No, I have not tried either, but I have my own ways of working on mental health through physical exercise: this year I've spend some time on developing my own exercises and an exercise routine, and it helps me greatly. However, I do need to find ways of getting more quiet time that one gets through meditation- thank you for reminding me of that. It is something I hope to work on next week.

Yes, thank you so much! This is a very needed reminder heh 🙂 This is certainly a debate for me, which so far has been settling down to "I won't play". I do find games interesting still, but I feel like I no longer experience any long-term desire to play them. That is, my urges usually go away within minutes, rather than hours or days. And, the current process of installing a game is so long, that even if I choose to start it, I will have over an hour to change my mind. Although I'm not 100% certain that games are gone from my life forever, I see very few circumstances under which I'd go back: I am so mentally devastated (for whatever reason) that it overwhelms me, and I revert to video games as my old escapism habit. Being in a game-positive/friendly environment for prolonged amounts of time, such as playing games with my friends often or living with people who game a lot. Honestly, those are the only ones. The former has been happening recently: I am writing a very difficult, long paper, and it increases my urges to give up on the real world for a bit and just pretend that I exist in a vacuum. The latter appeared this Thursday, I played some games with my friends, and that increased my urges to reinstall games for myself. However, the exposure was not long enough to get those urges strong enough; I am feeling better already. So, fingers crossed that I can get to 90 days without either of the circumstances occurring, and after that I hope to be strong enough to keep going no matter what! Thank you very much for your words @BooksandTrees, it was literally a lifesaver. You made a big impact on my life today 🙂

Haha @wazzapp you're not testing our patience or anything lol, this journey is not without bumps. It's been really awesome to read every journal entry you've made, and even more awesome is to realize that you post EVERY DAY!!! 🙂 Po

@Master WilliamsI totally feel you! I'm very nervous for my upcoming school break. One thing I recommend is... rather trying to put in a lot of activities and such to keep yourself occupied, I would try to literally write down/imagine the whole day, in detail, going without you playing games. But in a realistic fashion- if you think you'll have urges, make sure to include that in the overall picture too. In other words, imagine how you will spend your time without playing games but also without pretending like they don't exist. Imagining realistic scenarios coming out in a positive way is an effective way of making such scenarios a reality- that is a common technique for preparing for job interviews. Duh. Okay, I'm really brainstorming for myself as well right now lol, cuz I need lots of ideas to keep myself from relapsing. Another one I recommend is to try and take out as many "triggers" as possible- do you still have any connections to gaming on your social media, and if you have a console, is it far away enough to be unreachable? For me, clearing my social media from gaming content and also putting my gaming PC in the guest room rather than the basement are such examples. Alright alright, last one 🙂 Imagine yourself going through the process of relapsing again, and really try to think about how unpleasant it is and why you would not want a relapse to happen. This one helps me every single time, I do it daily. Best of luck this weekend, but also keep in mind please that success comes from progress, not perfection. Hope this will help you stay determined, Po

No Games: 73 There have been slightly more urges due to me getting more intellectually invested into a certain game. That is, I am thinking of how much fun it would be to think while playing this game, as in order to succeed I'd need some precise calculations and a calm mind. However though, I still do not want to lose any time playing it. This game will only bring benefits to myself, and it's all pretty much satisfaction and excitement. There isn't much else to it. Oh, might play some games later tonight with my partner and her friend. I doubt this will be in any way triggering, and I won't count it as a relapse as it is solely a social activity and actually has some purpose behind. It will be a good way to connect with people I do not know well and just relax together. The Winter Term at my school is coming to an end, and although this week has been coming surprisingly smooth and simple so far, I feel like there will be a sudden surge in business sooner or later. I have to stay focused and work ahead while I can. Lastly, my partner has had a pretty rough time, and that is affecting her wellbeing, which is sad for me to see. I'm trying to help where I can, but a lot of the stress she is dealing with is outside of my control. I hope that I am doing everything I can and not any less to make her life a bit better. Have good Wednesday y'all!! Po

Ooo, what board games did you buy?

Hi @MasterWilliams, welcome to GameQuitters! It's never to late to start a better life- I'm so glad you made it here 🙂 Best of luck with stopping playing, I hope to be reading your journal entries soon hehe Po

No Games: 71 Honestly, I was super productive Sunday, and today I totally struggled with keeping myself occupied, mainly because there honestly wasn't much on my to-do list. I get very anxious when that happens- I like always having something to do, something to keep me focused. And that's a big issue, largely because I still had a lot of things I could do today, but because there wasn't anything written down I did not keep myself accountable and procrastinated. And it's not like I procrastinated that much, but just lacking overall direction definitely damages my day. Solution ideas: Work on focus- I get distracted with literally nothing, a thought is enough lol. Have a list of "general" activities to do when there ain't many- I did that in the 2nd half of the day, but there was not a lot and took me awhile to realize. Moar blocking apps for social media! I'm mainly distracted with YouTube, so got "UnDistracted" specifically for that hehe Uhh also just force myself to take breaks more consciously: right now I'm just taking breaks from work whenever I feel like it. Just did take one now for no reason whatsoever djhfgjhdgf. Block youtube on my computer! Honestly don't need it that much, and I still can use my Ipad 🙂 Okay, hopefully these will help me get through this week and the Spring Break, because I really need to stay on top of it. Have a good week y'all! Po

Oh yes, I totally did that in High School all the time, and still do that, just in different ways. The world really, really sucks right now, and I think that a bit of escapism is necessary for keeping your sanity in place. I'm glad you're choosing to let your mind and body truly relax through activities like this one rather than resort to watching movies, scrolling social media, or gaming 🙂 Hope tomorrow you'll feel better, and have a good night @Ben0!

No Games: 69. Nice. Have been having some urges today and yesterday- I think I'm getting really tired of school, and there is a specifically long paper that I need to write that I really am trying to avoid. Gaming is certainly the best way for me to avoid something heh, so that's where the urges are coming from I think 😕 Today has been fairly productive. I've been allowing myself to rest, while also staying more or less focused when I need to be. Finally got started on that long paper, and submitted a bunch of applications for even more grants. Hope to get them- my family is in large need of money at the moment. Other than that, I've been enjoying nice weather and trying to keep my room slightly on the chilly side- it keeps me much more engaged and awake than a warm room. Random Thought: filled out a journal entry in advance on how I did not relapse, with details of how my day went and how I prevented myself from relapsing. Basically, pretended to be writing as if the day was already over, and as if it was successful. Seems to be very effective so far- every time an urge appeared, I just read over that journal entry in my head, reminding myself that I "promised" myself to stay strong today. Hope you have a great Sunday, Po

Hi Jason, thank you so much for your kind words! Yes, I agree very much- and although I think it's sometimes okay not to be present in the moment (for me, that happens when I am painting as well- I get completely drawn into the activity), gaming also provides little personal benefit besides some simple satisfaction. No one besides me will benefit from playing games, when if I spend time making a painting, it will be something I can share with a lot of people. Yes, fingers crossed for all that good money stuff haha, thank you 🙂 Po

Hi @Average_Guy! Thank you for your input, just got around trying Fortify and it does seem pretty awesome- I hope to keep improving in this area until it's as little of a worry as gaming is. Today's what, 66th day of no games? Funny, having some urges lately but then every time I actually think of playing that immediately discourages me- it's just such a disconnect from real world, that even when I am not busy I will still likely miss out on something more enjoyable, like going outside for a walk, painting, or making presents for the people I love. Honestly it is just not worth it in any circumstances. Now, just gotta get the same mindset towards porn! The last few days I've been feeling tired, so not too productive. However, I've accomplished a lot of things lately and would like to recap so I'm not feeling like I sit on my ass all day lol: Had a pretty good interview for my 4.5k summer internship Applied for $1000 worth of funding, hope to get at least $200 out of that : > Became a member of a Student Gov. Organization at my school Got nominated for a $1000 scholarship (although I soooo doubt I'll get it, it's honestly just not my cup of tea) Have been running at least a mile every day for the last month or so Broke my phone lmao Okay, that's kind of it, because now I am thinking about all the things that are still hovering over my head: class assignments, job responsibilities, porn addiction, sleep schedule... Let's see what I can fix today though, I'm feeling good about it! Hope you rock your Thursday, Po

What I'd recommend, If I understand correctly, in the case of video games fulfilling social interactions for you, I would simply try to choose non-addictive games, like digital adaptations of video games, stuff from jackbox, etc.. Games with the main reward being the social interaction rather than winning/playing the game itself. If you need games to connect with people, then I suggest to play games that focus on that rather than getting into something fun and addictive like MMOs.

No Games: 65. Have been visiting reddit for small gaming clips about 5 mins/day, but have stopped browsing youtube for gameplay. The last few days have been rather productive and also pretty happy. I'm so glad that spring is here! I've been doing slightly better academically, although my musicianship is getting less time that it should. I've also been making some good art while working at the school's newspaper, and that is also making my day well. The worst parts of the last few days have been really significant though: my partner had $2000 stolen from her, and that has pretty much ruined our weekend. At the same time, I am getting really annoyed with porn additction; will probably journal about it later. In terms of looking ahead, I'm incredibly excited for the interview for my $4.5k internship- if I get it, I won't have to worry about university expenses all of next year. Also, I am very much looking to this Friday. Not sure why, but I'm just looking forward to it. I really appreciate not playing games anymore, and hope to get porn out of my life soon as well. Hope you are doing okay! Po

Yes, that's why I honestly don't go to reddit's gamequitters- too unreliable of a platform. And honestly reddit is incredibly gaming-centered, so just being on reddit draws me into games more, so I tend to avoid it lol.

No Games: 60! Yay yay. Funny enough, currently hanging out at an online Video Game Sound Design event. Really don't feel the urge to play right now, but do have an urge to make music for video games. I guess it's time to reflect a bit on what video games have meant and mean to me now... ------ Why did I start playing? As a child, I was really isolated socially- lacked friends and didn't spend much time with family (for many various reasons, most of which I was too young to have control over). Discovering video games, I think I was attempting to compensate for that social isolation- multiplayer games would draw me in specifically. There was also not much that was more rewarding for me in life than video games just due to my environment. Why did I keep playing? Circumstances have led me into an endless loop- I felt socially isolated, and so desired to get that social interaction (and other things you cannot get when being lonely) via video games and porn. This would only lead to more social isolation in the long run- and so I would play even more games. There were moments when I would be doing better- when I would be doing well socially; those were rare moments, and I did not understand that if I were to try a bit harder in that direction, I would be able to quit video games and be much happier. Eventually, this loop lead to the creation of other loops, such as normalizing a sequence of "good" and "bad" days- I would allow myself to game for multiple hours every time something good in real life happened. Oh well, look where I'm at now 🙂 Why was I unable to quit? I would have valid reasons for quitting- that instead of hanging out with friends or doing things I enjoy I am sending my time into something that will never give me value (and neither will it ever be unavailable to me, unlike making friends or getting hw done on time). However, instead of trying to find more passion and ways of improvement towards things I loved, I simply tried to quit. And it would never work out- for about 2 years I was actively trying to play less or not play at all, but it was like trying to open a bank account while having no money- I was simply tackling things in incorrect order. Had I focused on improving my life first and then quitting, I would be more likely to be successful. Eventually, that did happen- I went to college, and my life got better- I found a partner I've been together for over a year, made some meaningful friendships and overall began to value real life more. And now, I am able to stay away from games- porn is still a WIP tho, I really hate it 😠 How do I feel now? I think it would be unfair to say that games were always bad for me- some games helped me gain unique perspectives, develop my passions, and improve problem-solving. I still use video games as a source of inspiration and joy from time to time, without actually playing. I think some videogames are designed with malicious intent- to get the player addicted, to lure them into a loop of some sort. However, other games have no intention but to provide a good time, and educate the player about a thing or two that can be applied to real life- those used to be my favorite games. And lastly, there is a very small amount of games that focuses on giving the player as much or more than real life value/education as being fun- those are the games I still am keeping in my life in one way or another. They're a positive addition to my everyday life, and I never have urges to play them, because I've learned from them that real world is more important than what they have to offer. Such games are rare for they are self-destructive in a way, and certainly not mainstream- they encourage the player to play less rather than play more. But, they will always have a special place in my heart 😆 ------ Alright, that was a long reflection. Big thank you and congratulations if you have managed to read it all, and I hope that you have something to take away from it. Today has been really fun, I've been more busy and more productive, and that is quite enjoyable. Lots of fun things to do tomorrow, excite excite 🙂 Have a great weekend, Po

No Games: 58! So close to sixty u_u --Although, it's honestly easy at this point. Haven't visited a gaming forum all day today 🙂 Overall not that busy, kind of lazy even. I think I'm getting a little bit worn out; hope to be able to push it through the finals (this term is looking not as great as the previous, I really gotta step it up to keep my GPA high) Other than that, I'm fairly happy. Watching Death Note is interesting, doing drawing and school work is mostly exciting. Have been exercising a bit less, but I'll get on top of it again right now 🙂 Have a good one everyone, remember where you started and how far you've gone! Po

No Games: 56. Overall, my self-control keeps improving on a weekly basis. Don't really feel urges that much anymore, and when I do it is rather to watch gameplay than to actually play. The last few days have been rather busy and a bit depressing. Lots of shitty things happening around the world that get overwhelming fairly quickly, and just stressful time of the year in general. Fortunately, it will be soon over, and I still have a lot of things to look forward to every day. Hope you all are doing well; keep reminding yourself why you want to quit, and try to come up with more reasons every time! You got this! Po

Awhhh thank you!!! So glad you've been able to come this far! Must say the same- I am so grateful for everyone in this community; without GQ I would have never gone this far. Until I came here, I was way too convinced that I would never be able to stop playing, but reading y'all's journeys really has shown me what is possible- so thank you everyone! Po 💜

@Code haha they always do. But they are much weaker and never get a hold of me. Plus, it has only been 50 days- not all that long for the brain to completely rewire itself. After all, I'll probably have memories of gaming for the rest of my life, and so some urges possibly could always persist- but that doesn't mean I will be feeling unhappy or controlled by any means, and certianly doesn't mean your journey will be the same. I honestly don't mind urges- I find the feeling rather nice, although distracting. Plus (totally a secret) I still watch gaming videos about 10-20mins a day; that probably keeps my urges "alive" as well. In terms of rewards: Life is so rewarding! Just reflecting on how much better I am doing since I stopped gaming is amazing on its own- the amount of things I am doing, learning, and most of all enjoying is at an all-time peak that just keeps surging higher. Life is better, and that's enough 🙂 @Jason70Haha yes totally! These questions have been really helpful whenever I get close to a relapse, or any "questionable" activity in general. Thank you for your insight, glad to see other people have a similar mindset when it comes to dealing with urges!

No games: 53. Hey look at me mom I am past 50!!! Honestly, I have 25ish days of school, so it should be quite an easy road towards 80 days. But then, the break kicks in! I know what to do to keep myself busy, and if possible will just leave the PC at school for the whole break- that should get me past 90 days easy then. However, there are still a couple instances where I could relapse- right after finals are over. I will have to come up with a plan for those days. I really wouldn't mind relapsing then, but so far (and all my life) every time I relapse has brought too many problems in despite all the satisfaction I get from gaming. It just never comes without consequences. Gotta quit for good!!! Other than that, been a very busy few days this week, but I'm holding it together, and even catching up in school! At the same time, I've been painting less and watching more porn again- have been doing better the last two days but porn is certainly eating away the time I would otherwise spend making art. Hope you are having a good week 🙂 Po