Pochatok

What are you referring to here? I'm really curious.

Thank you! Yes, filling up my schedule already with some hangouts, sports, music and art project, and some other stuff. Hope to figure some of my professional life out, cuz I really gotta start getting all of that together- 3rd year in college and still clueless about what I want to do post-grad.

Day 125. My finals are officially over, and the idea of playing is getting to me- the winter break is long, and there is more opportunity. However, I hope to fill up my day with enough stuff to not think in this direction. Gaming is still not something I desire, and only in very specific circumstances does it actually give me substantial benefits without any side effects. This will be difficult, but I hope to plan everything out in a way that will neglect gaming. Other than that, I am feeling very very tired (finished my last final just a couple hours ago) and will take a nap; journal a bit later. Po

I see your perspective- it's interesting how different we perceivee situations like this! But yes, ultimately I should just do what feels right to me and continue to improve my understanding and knowledge of various social situations like this to address them better.

Yes, does feel that way! Not necessarily year-to-year for me, but definitely month-to month. Tracking daily improvement is kind of meaningless- it's very hard to notice. Thinking with larger leaps of time helps.

Hmmm, I do agree with your last point quite a bit, but it doesn't motivate me enough most of the time lol. These past few months I've discovered that in order for me to fully be interested in something, it has to have a strong purpose in my life- a set of goals, aspirations, and a deep understanding of the subject. Else, I don't feel like it really "matters". There are downsides to this thinking, but it offers some valuable benefits. I think that your thinking process is highly beneficial too, just not for my lazy butt lol. Yeah, the chill pill is really needed in my life lol. I am extremely improvement-focused, and sometimes I forget to sit back and enjoy the process. More of an issue recently, since I have been getting more busy with the school term ending. I'll try to chill more, thank you!

haha, good question! My relationship has been going for about 2 years, and both of us are heavily committed to it. Back when we started, I've quit porn completely without any effort- the relationship was supplying everything porn did, but in a better, healthier way. However, I still had a habit of going on porn sites occasionally, and over time it has gotten worse- especially when I would be physically distanced from my partner or experienced lotsa stress. I've been able to keep this issue fairly low, but never fully quit. About a year ago, due to health complications and just me and my partner changing as people, we've kind of toned down our sexual life. Suprisingly, I feel like there has been little to no long-term downsides to this choice- at the moment, our relationship is stronger than ever before. But, my brain didn't think so for a while- initially, got the impression that I needed more, and for quite some time porn became a much larger issue. Since this summer, I've pretty much completely quitted porn (after spending time what I really want from my life and what role porn has played in my life this whole time etc. etc.). I think that the last time I've actually visited a website on purpose was a couple months ago; there are still other things that I define as porn that are an issue though. Quitting porn addresses some bad habits and makes the world a better place, but I want to be an even better human, and so am trying to quit experiencing anything that stands against my moral values. Hope this answers it!

Can't count how many times I have felt this way about art, too! I think it's a lifelong journey of dealing with frustration- drawing is so complex and deep that the amount of things to learn seems endless. But, I hope that you'll continue to make progress! For me, looking at where I was year ago and how I have improved since often is a good motivator. What do you do to keep yourself interested in art?

Day 117! The last 30 minutes of the day have been very stressful; I've been unable to keep my productivity up, sadly. Time to relax and journal here 🙂 Journaling: Gonna let out some steam, so feel free to skip this lol. I was having dinner with my partner and their friends, and one of them (let's name them Ruby) seemed to be not feeling well. Now, they are younger than me and my partner, and are not yet fully understanding the how-to's of taking care of other people. They asked Ruby just once how they were feeling, and after getting a mild "okay" they proceeded with their own business. I just felt really uncomfortable, because it was difficult to see everyone having a good time BUT Ruby, and noone caring enough to give them a helping hand. Including me- I wish I got up and talked to them for a bit, because I am really not sure what is daunting Ruby. It's upsetting how easily some people can dismiss others' troubles to avoid sacrificing their own good time. People do say that I am too self-less when it comes to resolving issues like this, but I still feel like this could have been handled better. Just texted them, feeling a bit better haha. The simple act of offering help makes all the difference. OTHER THAN THAT, it's been suprisingly awesome! There is something funny I want to talk about... Progress and all that BS Over the last few weeks in my wellbeing tracker, I noticed that there is a continuos decline in most of my areas, like Sleep Exercise and Relationship Quality Yet, a couple areas have been showing very steady improvement... Time management and Working Environment Quality! What's even more interesting, is that I feel like these last couple of weeks have been my most productive ever. I feel very good. So, it is very funny to be seeing an overall decrease in my self-perception when I am feeling like I am doing my best. Hopefully this is not a bad sign; either way, though, I should take better care of my physical health and social activities. Good things from this week: I've quit social media pretty much entirely! I check twitter once or twice a day for about 2 minutes total, and Instagram for 3-4 minutes. Facebook, maybe once a week. I'm making a lot of progress with personal projects. My back injury has been getting better, and I am able to exercise more again. I love being able to move my body around more- getting the back injury, suprisingly, has reminded me how precious my physical wellness is, and how much I value full range movement (and how priviliged I am to have access to that most of the time, too). Bad things from this week: Academics could have been better, iffh. Doing fine, but worried about finals- I am not spending enough time studying. Hope to make some serious improvements soon. My sleep schedule has been improving, but inconsistently. I've also been feeling slightly more distanced from my partner I've gotten quite better with quitting porn, but it has been draining me and affecting me a lot. It's still difficult to comprehend how much of an effect it has had on me all life, and how much there is to unpack and fix. Have an amazing week folks! Thank you all who read this journal, I appreciate your attention and your input 🙂 Po

Ahh, just noticed that I totally missed this reply! I think that I generalize "work" as anything that needs to be done that I am not feeling super passionate about. For the most part, those things are very valuable, like getting better at my campus jobs (which are good resume builders) or doing homework. But, not so many of them are fun in their process- the end goal might be rewarding, but the path there is long and rough. Going home changes the responsibilities I have quite a bit- rather than doing a lot of thinking-heavy tasks, I am more focused on physical and emotional tasks, like walking the dogs, doing dishes, cleaning up the house, and taking care of my siblings. I think it is highly relaxing in smaller quantities as it allows my brain to relax and focus on myself and my immediate surroundings more. I also enjoy doing physical labour-heavy work. However, this was my perspective a few weeks ago. Since then, I've improved my goal setting ability and worked on mindfullness under more stressful conditions, and have been able to enjoy work and be more effective with it more. I still have trouble enjoying it as much as I do my hobbies, but I certainly find the process more rewarding. What about you Ikar?

Hey Patrick! I'm sorry that you're going through so much difficulties right now! I know the frustration and uncertainty that comes from being on the "wrong" end of the system; I hope that you will be able to find a way out eventually. Please keep us updated; not sure how I can help but you never know who are the people reading your journal are 😉 Best, Po

Day 110. So tired, and so much work to do! The last few days have been good, but now I am so tired once again. It's a bit difficult to just get through the day without giving up for a bit. Have been forcing myself to stay productive and avoid poor stress management for the last 3 hours; one hour left until bedtime. Let's keep my posture up and head straight! I'll journal a bit more tomorrow; some interesting things have happened that I'd like to share. Po

Day 103. I've had some stronger urges recently, but they're much weaker now. Something else always comes up, and I keep pushing gaming aside. Hopefully, this will be enough to get me to 200 days without gaming! A random thought: I found an interesting way to describe my experience with gaming as a way to deal with my problems: "Imagine you're falling from a cliff and, in midair, manage to hang on to a branch of a tree to prevent yourself from falling further. Suddenly, you feel pain- the branch has thorns. You want to let go of the branch because it is hurting you, but you're not sure if you'll be able to hang onto anything if you continue falling- it's foggy below you, and you can't see much. What if you fall down all the way? After awhile, the fog clears up, and you can see more branches to hang on to down below. You let go and continue falling, since you will bleed out if you continue to hang on. As you continue falling, you now can see that the branches below don't have thorns, and will allow you to gain strength to climb back up over time. " This week: Has gone pretty well! I have been reducing my screentime on social media, finally, and it feels so weird! As if I have hours worth of extra time on my hands, when really all I am doing is not using the phone in the first and last 20 minutes of my day. I feel stronger, and more satisfied with myself. Feels good to finally have control over this habit of mine. Good stuff: I have completed some neat Art Projects. I played Volleyball for 1.5 hours- it was such a blast, I learned a lot. Hope to improve next week. Regular exercise is paying off- I can finally do a one arm chin up. I think I should focus more on doing it properly, injury-free now, cuz it be ouch sometimes. Bad stuff: Not being super time effecient. I need to push myself to do some things faster. I am super productive, but my efficiency is low. I am definitely breaking my iPad. The keyboard is bareky functioning, iPad is having some freezes here and there. Should stop dropping it maybe? Losing a lot of hair for some reason. The last time I washed it, there were 30-50 hairs in the drain. I am not sure why 😞 That's all for now, thank you for reading 🙂 Hope that today you will feel better, Po

Ahhh your journal entries are a goldmine of useful information I never though I'd need. Thank you so much for doing this research and sharing it here!

Day 97! It appears that my last streak ran over 180 days, so if I want to keep going, 200 days seems like a good milestone. Partially want to set a milestone because urges have been hitting up due to me being on break... It's a bit annoying to be so invested into "playing during my off time" mindset again. When summer break was coming up in May, those urges were much weaker and I felt so much more value in other areas of my life. At the moment, gaming is really sucking me in. Fortunately, the break is officially over and I have not relapsed during its entirety. I need to continue to fight gaming addiction more actively, just as I would try to curb any other habit. Consistent effort is required no matter how easy it can get sometimes. Perhaps not playing games is like running- even if I am able to run as fast as I want, I still need to exercise often to keep that up (even if it takes less effort now than it used to). Not much from this week; it has been fairly productive and fun overall, I've enjoyed visiting my family during break and am a bit unexcited about coming back to school since its *work*, but thinking of my class projects does get me excited- they're going to be a lot of fun 🙂 Will journal more when I have enough time, but this is it for now! On my way to 200 days without gaming YESYESYES Po

Good luck! No matter the results, I hope that you’ve learned something useful/have some takeaways from while studying for it 🙂

I also would recommend making a new account for YouTube- that does reset the recommendations to an extent. If you can, try logging out? I know that it's not possible on all devices...

WARNING: very long entry. Read at your own risk! Why: I think that despite the fact that this is a "open-to-public" journal, I still write mainly for myself. That can make it less accessible for others at times, but I don't think that it's right to compromise on myself in this space. Today I felt like I had a lot to say; whether you care or not is up to you- my work is to simply share it 🙂 Day 89. Nice, another 90 days nearly complete! That urge is there for sure- I find it very funny how my brain sees reaching this milestone as an opportunity to receive extra dopamine. I wonder if my recent increase in YouTube is correlated at all with this; either way, I'll stay strong- there is so many other things I want to do instead. Journaling Today, I wanted to do things a bit differently: share some data from my personal wellbeing tracker over the last 6 months (started using it in March). It's exciting to see the different ways in which my perception of myself has changed. Yes, I think it is important to keep in mind that this is a self-assessment of my health, and so not an actual representation of how I am doing. Let's start! I will kick off with my overall self-assessment of wellness, which is a combination of many different factors, some of which I've included below. Just for reference! Stress Management I think it is interesting to see that though the overall improvement is low, there has been a significant improvement in stability recently- around the time I began doing counselling regularly. Given how challenging the last two months have been for me, I'm happy to see that my (perception of) stress management has been steadily rising. Relationship Quality This gives me so much joy! Given how much difficulty I have in general with making relationships, It's exciting to see that since my "peak" in ~early August (when I was a summer camp worker and made tons of connections), I have been keeping relationships high on my priority list. Though I am uncertain whether my relationships are actually improving or not, this high amount of stability in the last two months means that I, at least, think more about socializing. Having Purpose in Life I feel like I've gained most control in this area. Though not as steady as the last two, there is a significant increase from where I started to where I am now here. I think that what helped me here so much is exploring myself and the world around me more, and understanding how I belong in it, along with setting goals and having a more clear vision of what I want my future to be. Work Environment This one is uhh, complicated. The large area of stability in the middle is my stay at home (family) over the summer- it is interesting to see how I made steady improvement and then declined, the longer I stayed at home for. It's also interesting to see the sudden jumps right around that time- both were transition periods, where I changed my work environment a lot and was adjusting. Now, however, that suddent drop in my self-evaluation is different. I believe that I'm opening my eyes more to the negative impacts my environment can have on me, and trying to actively address them (unsuccessfully at this point 😞). I'm very curious about where this will go next; I've done a lot of work on my environemnt, but I still don't feel like it's where I want it to be. STUFF FROM THIS WEEK i feel like this entry is so long I gotta use CAPS. Good Things: I've been doing well in all of my classes, it seems. Though, there have been a lot of things that have stressed me out, too. It's complicated, but I feel like I have control of the situation I have been more curious and passionate about a lot of good things; I've been allowing myself to take more time to research things that interest me, and challenging myself to reduce my procrastination. It's going in the right direction, and I hope to keep it up I've been enjoying being alone more. Lately, I've been trying to evaluate my own happiness solely through my relationships with others. It's time I take it back to myself 🙂 Things I'm not happy about: Porn addiction has been getting worse. I am getting it under control, again, but it does seem like I am still struggling to let go of it completely. It's only a matter of time though There has been more procrastination than I would like to admit. Again, improving here as well, but also slowly. I've been having slightly more frequent mood swings than usual, and it's frustrating. I was hanging out with a very dear friend the other week, but simply could not enjoy it because I was simply not feeling happy for some reason 😞

Feeling so down today, but I feel like I am dealing with these feelings better than usual! I feel like I am also redifining what it means to be productive today: it is work balanced with rest. And today I am resting well. Hope that the next minute will pass better than the last heh Po

Today's kind of interesting so I really want to journal. First, I've hang out with a friend that I haven't seen in some time and that was nice, though i noticed my brain throwing comparisons to our previous hangout and how it "felt better"; that gave me anxiety. I find it a bit sad that I get distracted from the good things so easily; I am still a perfectionist in some ways, ew. Other than that, i have been avoiding some of my work. It's frustrating since it's both harming my productivity (I am getting distracted easily) and also putting my performance at risk (I am pushing myself closer and closer to the deadline). Though I am overall highly productive and feeling rather well, I find this struggle to prioritize things correctly and control my rest (the quality and quantity of it) frustrating. Hm, about rest: I notice how the less I take my time to take proper breaks where I get away from the screen/work environment and physically and mentally relax, the more time I spend resting in a way that does not recharge me. Yesterday I've spent some time reading and was much less distracted by social media; today is the opposite. I need to keep trying to improve my resting habits; they harm my productivity the most, it seems. Po

True, but it can still be valuable! Even if it's only a few people who are reading your journal entries, they still make an impact on our lives! It's super awesome to see you doing so much better because of your new job 🙂

Day 81. Pretty close to another 90 days huh? Funny enough, thinking of completing another 90-day detox does bring urges. But nope, there are so many better things to do! I know that gaming can be fun and rewarding, but it does not make the world a better place in any way; it only benefits me, and at times harms others. Journaling I have been noticing my tendency to "autopilot" when practicing music, which is frustrating. I don't have a lot of time to practice, and it's very important to be the most efficient I can be when practicing. For most of the week, I was doing really well! But, I've missed some important aspects of successful practicing today. I really need to continuosly force myself to stick to a certain set of actions until they become a habit and I begin to complete them on autopilot. I'm nowhere near that end stage, but hope to get there. Other than that, it's been a pretty good week. For the majority of time I've been highly productive, but I have not made enough space and thought for proper resting. I keep going on YouTube aimlessly, or just surfing internet for no reason. I need to make reading a habit again. Let's try reading every day for 3 weeks straight. And making art, too. I need to remind myself what it actually feels like to rest, rest happily and fully. Another large issue that was brought up during my counselling session is how I do not allow myself to be happy, still. It is actually happening right now- for a couple minutes, I was not allowing myself to continue journaling because I was not feeling well. Though journaling here makes me feel better, I was trying to force myself away from this activity. Time to work in this area, too- this could be a core issue to a lot of my other problems, maybe? What I have done today: I actually completed a lot of HW on time, yay! Worked on a variety of projects Exercised! What I am not going to do tomorrow: Be worried about having too much time Spend my free time doing things I don't need or don't enjoy, such as... Browsing Internet for no reason Ignore physical discomfort Stay in my dorm for more than 1 hour Some good things from this week: I've been getting enough sleep every day! Feels like I can actually get through my day Submitting a lot of schoolwork on time Being pretty good at my jobs hehe Spending quality time with my partner and even seeing some friends (hanging out with someone on Sunday yay) But, I've had some weirdass dreams this week. Very glad I can't remember much, they were nasty. Stay well, stay alive! Po

Hi! I don't know if this would lead you to a relapse later on; this depends on what this music means to you and reminds you of, and how you react to hearing it. I would track your response to it to see if it is harmful in any way. I listen to music of games I've previously played (in which the music is actually good tho haha) quite a bit; and I still am interested in seeing Game Development Diaries, talks, and such. But, I only allow myself these things because they do not cause urges for me- they're exciting and fullfilling on their own. I just find video game music to be a very unique medium, and game development diaries often offer very interesting perspectives from an artistic view. So, this depends on you- is listening to OSTs fullfilling on its own, or does it make you crave for gaming? Po

Day 75 Writing about urges Journaling I'm not feeling super well today, partially because I feel like I get so stressed out and worn out during the week that the weekend just kind of bodyslams me and I get all confused. What do I do with all this 'free' time? How do I take a break and rest? It feels like I have not been taking my time to answer these questions and it is frustrating. I have spent about an hour on social media and just wondering around internet for no reason today because of that. I think that from now on, I will try to change the things I do at the very end of the day. Currently, I just go on my phone and/or rest and think over what has happened earlier. Instead, I want to not be going on my phone (don't like that in general, makes falling asleep harder an such) and rather think of what I am looking forward too in the next day and for the weekend, and put those down on my todo list for according days. This way, I will know that whenever I am wandering around aimlessly, there is something exciting to "work on". I've attempted this earlier by trying to keep track of how often I complete certain pleasurable, positive activities like exercise and reading, but it has become too inconsistent with my busy schedule. In order to stay on top of things and also not feel depressed when I have free time, I need to plan out both my chores and my resting activities. Let's see where this goes! Let me start now, here: For Sunday, I want to (can;t be chores!)... Watch a cool short animation Listen to one new song Read another chapter in my book text one old friend think of a gift for my partner Some people also mention having a "don't-do list", but I honestly feel like it would be a bit too complicated with everything else I have on the moment. I just don't have the space for that, and try to rely on my discipline and things I am doing to curb that. I'll journal on good and bad things from this week tomorrow, gotta get going now! Thank you all, and have a restful Sunday, Po

What helps me moderate these urges more is understanding where this "weighing on my mind" comes from. For me, it's not my mind weighing things, but my addicted brain trying to reconnect me to my old habits. Understanding that this is not what I actually want, and my desires trying to trick me helps. Of course, that's not always the case- there are times when I genuinely want to play because it is very meaningful, but those times are much more occasional, pattern-free. In other words, I just want to play games for a reason other than it simply being convenient cuz of "more free time" or "a new game/update coming out". Food for thought, I hope 🙂 Po