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mks

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Everything posted by mks

  1. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today I have an urge to go back to porn. Thanks to the app Cold Turkey I am save. So there should not be a relapse. But it's really tough. Although it causes so much pain in my life, my brain still thinks this is the go-to source of escape, dopamine or even reward and relaxation. This sucks. One part of me really likes this feeling of domapine but on the other hand I feel like it is ruining everything. So one part of me wants to go back and another part just knows it's not good for me. Porn as an esacpe means freedom for one part of me. When I can do whatever I want it would be porn. This is so scary. Because I know all the harmful effects, but my mind doesn't care. It only wants dopamine. The rest is not really important. Stupid brain xD Addictions are really tough. Hopefully Cold Turkey helps me a lot to only allow specfic websites.
  2. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Things feel super complex right now. Too many problems. Mostly symtoms of my PTSD I think. Sucks to not be able to cope with them. They loop back all the time. Tension is really high. So yeah. Hope these symtoms will fade away soon. It's nearly impossible to be productive in that state.
  3. Also know this feeling of purpose. Playing WoW fulfills so much of a need: progress towards a goal (leveling up), rewards. I was out of gaming a lot but with playing games all theses needs to find a purpose were gone as I had WoW as a purpose to wake up (leveling up). It's way harder to find that in real life. Still working at it but also know this feeling. Keep it up!
  4. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today was the first day of getting therapy and help related to addiction. It was quite ok. Got some addresses and a self-help group which will attend. So it's good to have a helping system of people to talk to. Will get therarpy though. So I was: - In the city in consulting around addiction - At a lake without swimming today - Was sleeping at home a lot but was quite ok The day wasn't something special but ok. I still want to try new things which I want to make a habit of: "Try one new thing a day or a week." Like making sudoku, cooking a new meal, etc... Tension is still getting high when I get to my laptop.
  5. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today I was at a lake swimming. This was quite ok. I still have problems at my laptop. I still don't wanna give up my laptop as a tool to build something. But right now I have severe symptoms when I am at my laptop. It's really hard and I hope that this will work out. As soon as I reach to my laptop I get pain in my stomach. This is a huge problem as I worked as a programmer and right now this is impossible to do. Therefor I really have a big problem getting into a job heath wise. It sucks πŸ˜• Hope to recover somehow with that.
  6. mks

    Mks' Journal

    @BooksandTreeο»Ώs Yes was in therapy for it. It's a lot better, but I have still some confidence problem. But I am working on it. Yesterday I was invited for dinner. Pretty new situation for me. I still have problems in groups of people. But it was way better than my last meeting with people. All in all it's being confident. Once I get into a confident state things are getting a lot better. Confidence and trust. I still have a problem to fill my time on weekends. Right now I have some urges porn related. Just to escape and numb myself. But as I am using the app cold turkey there is no way to get around it. Watching a lot of TV because of that as a filler activity. Not the best way but better than porn. Oh and there is one more thing: I wanna do one new thing every week. It's because I have problems to fill my time I want to find activities that are fun to do. Right now I default to watching TV which is zero risk and most comfortable. No intention at all. Also not creative or active.
  7. Sounds great with your progress with your legs! Good look with keeping it up! What I was thinking about was the transformation from Arthur from DDP Yoga. He had an awesome transformation with DDP Yoga (It's on Youtube). He was also unable to walk but with the help of this Yoga program he got back to running. Insane story. Yoga seems to be really good to recover. Good luck with your health! Keep it up!
  8. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today was quite ok. I still have some problems with my health but it feels like it's getting a little bit better. What's next? Finding a job and being able to perform good at it. As of now I wasn't able to perform good in a job. Mostly of mental and social problems. Social anxiety is getting better. I had a lot of problems with what people think of me. So I was always checking if someone is talking about me, kinda paranoia. This is nearly at zero. Not thinking about that anymore which is a hugh milestone for me. I was at a beach bar which was a huge problem in the past. Today was the best day since a lot of years of depression. Talking to stangers is still a problem. I have a lot of problems to put myself into the conversation instead of just functioning. There is a difference between ordering a meal technically or with some more emotions and personality. Right now at a level of 100 I am at 20% involvment in those situations. So still way to go. It's this "putting myself out there fully" without holding back of my emotions. I have a lot of self-control in those situations. So yeah. Working on social anxiety and getting healthier mentally and physically.
  9. @Ben0 Sound like great progress! I play piano since I am 14 I think, I am 31 now. But I didn't practice a lot so it's not all those years of practice. I am just playing around some melodies doing some improvisations. But I want to practice more. My hardest piece was Besaid Island from the Piano Collections from Final Fantasy. Took me around 3 months to learn πŸ˜„ So with time we can learn a lot but it was really hard to learn and took really long.
  10. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today was a good day. As I am on a cold turkey trip around NoFap the need that it fulfilled is quite obvious now: - The need for love and connection - The need for admission, being respected - which mostly is coming from work. I once worked in a job without this confimation or someone say "Good job!". I really long for this. As I missed this in my childhood I was seeking this feeling through trying to prove myself. But in my last job there was no recognition for 9 months. It was horrible. I am seeking for a job where there is more recognition for the work I am doing. This is what one part of me wants. People that value my work. The list of things I did today: - 40 minutes of swimming ( I am getting really good at it ) - Bought something in the city ( less anxiety whooo! ) πŸ˜„ - Met one of my relatives in the city But there is a big "but.." I wanna stop complaining, whining. We as germans are pretty good at complaining πŸ˜„ No idea why but well. I don't wanna be that typical german. What I found out complaining is somehow fun or at least there is lust involved. Don't know why I am so sensetive to it. But complining sucks! Really! It sucks xD! There is no value we get from it - it just delays the solution to the problem. Without acting complaining is toxic for our life. So this is something I wanna spend my awareness on once I finished some of my goals.
  11. Congrats to the driver's license! Keep it up!
  12. "Be concerned with others before yourself". Really like that! Also something I want to learn. We often get stuck in this ego thing through only focusing on ourself through all these self-help books etc. - it's all about us. Focusing only on ourselves isn't healthy I think. We should love something outside of ourself.
  13. I know the problem with waking up too late. I am in the same spot right now. Waking up at around 8.00am - 8.30am. It's really hard because when you don't have that passion nor a job it's tough to wake up early. Also hope to wake up at 7am soon. What piano piece are you working on? I am also playing piano. Keep it up!
  14. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Yeah it's a high goal. Right now being outside is enough and everything else is a bonus. As of having a PTSD things are complicated right now. Those symptoms are kinda hell... but will work on it though. Hope those symptoms will fade away in about 1-2 weeks. I know them but it kinda sucks...
  15. mks

    Mks' Journal

    As of my last post I want to get out of my shell! This means: - Getting a job - Moving into a new appartment [ I really don't like my old one because it's related to the past a lot ] How can I reach my goals "Getting a job" and "moving into a new appartment"? 1) Working on building relationships with people [ THE must for a good job relationship ] - Leaving my appartment as soon as possible in the morning to gain distance from my appartment - Practice being around people a lot more - A lot of focus on building relationships with people. This will start with facing my fear of being seen 2) Money - Getting a low paying job at first with limited hours to train being around people and working on my fear of being seen also to get out of my appartment Which habits will I work on to reach this new goal? Building relationships Spending time outside of my appartment without wanting to hide This means, that I have eye contact. Trying not to avoid it etc. being present around people +1: 5 Minutes +2: 10 Minutes +3: 15 Minutes Doing my practice in the city (courage practice) +1: At 1 place +2: At 3 places +3: At 5 places Buying something in a grocery store to face my social anxiety +1: In 1 store +2: In 2 stores +3: In 3 stores Those are my elastic habit as of the book I read. I have to do at least one of them with +1 level. The higher the points the better the score and rating of it.
  16. mks

    Mks' Journal

    @WillDonisthorpe Yes true! It's hard finding something i'm passionate about. I once worked as a webdev. But somehow this career collapsed because of mental problems. What I just found out. Well it's kinda hard to admit. I was really overprotected as a child. Which was kinda my default, which meant hiding behind people. Following people. What I just recognize is, that I am still in this "overprotection bubble" in a way. Porn is one of that. Hiding behind people. But well all this no longer works as I am 31 now and it's pure hell staying in that state. There is no growth and confidence in it. When I ask for help all the time how the hell do I figure out what I want? How the hell do I live life on my own. I kinda was asking myself yesterday why my mind thinks going back to porn and overprotection is freedom. Hell... I was really believing that porn means freedom. Being allowed to give in to addition. This is so wrong but I was believing that. So today I think I got to the root of that problem. The reason is protection. As of Jordan Peterson, we have to sacrifice something. So I was looking what the hell I am unwilling to sacrifice. And well... it's protection. One part of me wanna be protected. One part of be doesn't wanna give that up. But well this is a hell of a problem because in 1-2 years I would end up on the street because that's not how things work. As being without a job right now this is really dangerous. So the most important thing right now is working on this mindset. "You ganna have to sacrifice protection." As this kind sounds scary... well it's the opposite. It's pure freedom. I am not longer attached and dependet on that thing or the person because I no longer am in need of protection.
  17. mks

    Mks' Journal

    I added "being less resentful" in my list. Because of a bad childhood and some bad decisions I am offen resentful about life in general. As this is not bringing me forward in any way, I wanna reduce it dramatically.
  18. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Making some progress with my sleep schedule. As soon as I do some sports (30 min. swimming) I sleep way better. I will wake up less exhausted. This is the first step in fixing my sleep pattern - daily sports. The problem is I still have not reason to wake up on time. I don't have a bigger goal or vision. And as I don't have a job right now, there is really no real reason to get up on time. A job would help I think. So I will focus on that. I don't know if building a business is my thing. I have some kind of website unfinished but it doesn't feel "right". It's not something I enjoy. Don't know why... maybe it's because it's all at my laptop and I really need some social situations right now. Hard to figure it out what I like. So I stay in bed - which is a problem but still the best thing in reach. A big thing I can work on plus something that is bringing me joy.
  19. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Yes true! Just as a example: Pre-Elastic Habit: Swim 30 minutes at a lake (all in a row mostly) With Elastic habits: Swimming for 10 minutes (or as long as I want) Taking a break at the lake reading "Oh now I want to swim again" Again +10 Minutes Reading again with break At this time swimming was so awesome fun, that I went back without time limit or pressure. I just followed my instincs and as soon a I put pressure on me I was allowed to take a break. In the end I was swimming +30 minutes. Without it and the normal approach I would have stopped maybe, and would have less fun because of this strict discipline perspective on having the time as a outside force that put pressure on me. The elastic habit comes from feedom and I can do what I want and now it's not pressure it's pure fun because I really loved swimming after the first break πŸ˜„
  20. mks

    Mks' Journal

    True! I really like Elastic Habits so far. They fit the "real me" really good. Second day it worked and am excited to build more habits tomorrow (never had this with a strategy yet - most are force yourself through it... don't like it and never worked for me.) Elastic Habits are really refreshing and exciting.
  21. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Thanks man! Yeah today was great with it. First day with this new approach. Did 40min of riding my home bike. 10 minutes more than usual. I like his approach because he offers a solution for the problem: setting high goals and forcing me to do them and then quitting because of too much pressure. After some days or weeks my rebel takes over and screams "I want to be free!" So I quit. Forcing myself to do things never worked for me long-term and I did this for years without success. It even got worse because of shame and guilt. Today I was taking a break as soon as I forced me internally to do a specific amount of time on the bike. I took a break and started over again. I didn't got the 40 minutes in one run but in intervals. So 10 minutes, break, 10 minutes break, 20 minutes. This was way more fun and I had the freedom of choice. Love it for the first day!
  22. For me the negative side effects lasted for 7 days after quitting caffeine. The first days are tough because of the headache but the positive effects are worth it. I was sleeping the first 3 days like crazy πŸ˜„ Best to do this on vacation πŸ˜ƒ. My antisocial part, always in fight mode around people is way better without caffeine. Can really recommend it but it's tough the first week of withdrawl and sometimes I feel like I need some coffee but I don't wanna risk the bad side effects. So staying without caffeine is ways easier after some weeks. All in all I feel way better without it. It's worth a try!
  23. I know those feelings. Stephen Guise books help a lot on that. Reading Elastic Habits right now. It's really great on building habits so far (from getting started to feeling like having something accomplished) What I found out is that one problem is dopamine. When we are a lot into social media, porn etc. we are not so sensetive to normal dopamine sources. It's also a problem of willpower. We need more willpower when we are trapped in distractions. We need a lot of energy and willpower to rewind from one dopamine source of instant gratification to one that is more of delayed gratification. What I found out was that it needs 1-2 weeks without overstimulation and instant gratification and creating new delayed gratification habits. But the first 1-2 weeks are willpower intense. The moment we get that dopamine hit from delayed gratification that's the moment when things get easier, because the subconcious mind will kick in because of dopamine. Normally we need less willpower at this point. I am working on that too right now. The steps I will work on is cold turkey on most distrations and all-in on delayed gratification activities, investing a lot of energy and willpower to make them stick. But normally we should not need so much willpower. It just that we have to fight against the mind wanting to go back to instant gratification. Also think about coffee. Watch the videos of Alex Becker on coffee on YouTube. I am not drinking coffee anymore and it helped a lot with focus (when I don't mess around with my sleep schedule, not meeting friends, etc.). With coffee I was anxious and stressed all the time. Without my mind is way more calm and I can make better decisions. The ego is tough. I have the same problem. For me I got into spirituality a lot which can also be kinda ego driven because "I want to feel good". Nothing against meditation but it can also create lot of benefits for doing nothing. When we miss to manifest it in the real world eg. working out, talking more to people, opening up meditation and spirituality is kinda more to build the ego and not really practical. Same with self help books. When we fail to implement they are kinda useless. Nothing trumps real world experience. I also hope this can be undone because it made me horrible as a person... not taking action was my main problem although I had most of the information needed. Most painful thing I suffer from right now... fcking regret πŸ˜†
  24. mks

    Mks' Journal

    I will start with goals that are within my reach. To make progress I want to ask myself "is this goal within my reach". As I tend to reach for the unreachable I will flip it around and only do goals and tasks that are within my reach - at least for now. As this is a problem of depression I think it's a good approach. Got it out of the book Elastic Habits. Will read it further as his situation was the same as mine - just in his case he was intentionally falling back into a depressed state to prove his system to get out of it.