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mks

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Everything posted by mks

  1. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today I was in the woods but not the cabin in the woods ­čśä I was hiking with my best friends. Was really important for me to talk with him. Was a great hike. After that we went for a drink. RIght after the hike I went into the city and bought something to eat. This was a hard one because I suffer from derealisation from my PTSD. So this was a challenge. But it was easily possible to order a meal and went to a park were I ate it. Still a long way to go to recover. But today was a little bit better. Keep it up guys! We will get through this time! Stay strong if you suffer right now!
  2. I think reading or learning something that need focus like programming can help. In the beginning we need a lot of willpower because we fight against our brain who want the quick fix. So it's really exhausting to get your brain out of instant gratification. But once the brain understands the value and releases dopamine for high value activities things will get easier and better. I think it needs around 14 days of detox and while that detox you start reading or a different activity.
  3. I can really relate with your last post. Porn was my way to escape. My childhood was really lonely from a perspective of me today. So I went to porn and gaiming (mostly MMORPGs) because no one really cared. Selfcare is the best thing we can do today. Doing things that we know are good for us.
  4. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Thanks man! For me porn is also self harm. It really hurts. I am so forced into a new behaviour it's like sink or swim. Right now I am sinking. It's hard to change your life in a second, because porn wasn't always harmful. It was just a bad habit with some negative side effects like social anxiety. But from one day to another it caused a PTSD with all the symptoms of derealisation (which is the hardest to manage because you can't do anything about it - just wait and hope). This was the day it became really harmful. So option one is to be stuck in this self-harm PTSD causing cycle or option two is learn to swim in real life to not be forced to go back to porn. I know it's hard. And some needs are not really met in isolation. I would really want to gradually reduce but it's impossible. It would cause a PTSD from now on. Thinking about unblocking Twitch. This would give me some sense of social connection, which is the hardest thing I suffer from right now.
  5. Maybe using a indoor bike? Trying to allow it instead of fighting it? What is helping me the most is trying to be aware what that feeling that is that I have and than say to myself: "Ok this is what I am feeling. Hello [emotion] I know that you are here. What to you want?" So compassion for that feeling. Fighting never works, because the feeling is already there. It's only once we get an inner "it's ok to feel frustration (or any other feeling)" we get out of this trap. Also the problem with static goals is that they sometimes don't fit our life. And it costs a lot of enegry to something that we know is not something we are capable of today. Maybe try to do some variations with every goal: For animation it would be: Mini: 10 minutes of animation Medium: 30 minutes of animation Elite: 60 minutes of animation Every level is a win. On some days you can reach 10 minutes and 60 minutes are impossible (maybe because of illnes). But you have the freedom of choice which level fits to you life everyday. So you never lose. And freedom is the most important thing. Freedom of choice. And not being a slave to high goals that have to be accomplished every day. Life is too complicated to always hit 60+ minutes. Maybe something happens in life that you couldn't see and the static goal is impossible to reach.
  6. Welcome and good luck on your journey! Getting out of addiction is replacing gaming and porn with something that fulfills the needs in the real world. Social connections, recognition, making progress and moving towards something that means something to you. I am on cold turkey but be aware that needs are unmet once you quit those addictions, the faster you find something equal to gaming and porn you succeed. It's really something we need to practice. On "porn free radio" on Spotify the podcast he is also talking about that he is getting better at recovery. It's a skill, being aware what need is unmet and then look how we can act in the world that the need is met. Good luck!
  7. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today I was at the lake for around 3 hours. Still a lot of problems with isolation. As I am not in work right now, connections during the week are a problem. I hope to get out of this soon. I just wanna get back into work but it's still a problem because of symtoms of my PTSD. So Cold Turkey app is still active. But well it's true that gaming and porn fulfill a lot of needs. Having to fulfill them without the internet or gaiming is a big challenge. This means that after 1 or 2 days with no to less contact to people I am getting problems. I hope that after the weekend I am a little bit in a better place. Right now it's impossible to work with that state. So I hope to get back on track soon. The only thing I can do is be around people (outside my hope). Isolation is kinda adding the intensity of social anxiery. In the morning until around 1pm I am kinda good.
  8. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Hey everyone! Need some help! This one is tough. My internet behaviour porn related can cause a PTSD. I just wanna share this with you because it's the third time it happend. My mind is still addicted to porn and sometimes there is something that triggers me and this causes a PTSD. Nightmares, high inner tension, no concentration. I am a mess in that state. Once I make progress my mind always wants to go back and this is the second time I have huge problems from a relapse. Relapse means just watching porn. I hate myself for always going back. I don't know why I do this. I really don't. It messes me up that I thought about selling my laptop. It's just so hard to handle and it's not just a normal relapse where you just watched porn. It's a fully developed PTSD which lasts at least 3-4 weeks with all the symptoms. It's a lose-lose situation. Porn isn't giving me anything like maybe 2 years ago. At least it was kinda relaxing and was regulating my mind. But all these "positive" functions are gone and it's just hell. When a PTSD is triggered, my stomach is hurting like hell, I get nightmares for 3 days and have extremely high inner tension which is super hard to regulate. It's super close to needing a lot of professional help in like a hospital. This state, being addicted and having high risk of triggering a PTSD is making me a mess. I hope that someday I will be porn free and never ever have the urge to go back. I don't want to. It's too painful and messing up my life. Sorry if this is a intense post. I am really in a bad state.
  9. Wish you all the best to get through this hard time. I once read a quote that god can't make the pain and weight we carry disappear. But he can give us the strength to carry it. Wish you this strong connection to something greater to help you get through this hard time. Sending you all the love you need to find hope.
  10. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today was better. I was at a lake reading. I was outside of my home from 10am - 4pm. So around 6 hours. There were some urges and still are. There is a constant pull to my old habits of sitting a lot of hours in front of my laptop. But there are also big improvements: - Almost no social anxiety when entering a grocery store - Reading was way better today - I am more present But there are also some negative things: - After I hit the grocery store, my presence was getting worse. I don't know where this comes from maybe "fitting in" or "making myself small" because I was super present in the moment. But I became more and more unpresent in the store. It's something I do actively, but still no real clue where this comes from. I think you are right! Today I was super present and in that state there were no real symptoms of my depression. Felt great! Spending time at the lake and reading helped a lot with that.
  11. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Yes games are powerful in that. With games we know our task, we make progress and get rewarded. This gives so much peace to our minds. So games aren't bad. Too much gamining is the problem. I would so hard play WoW right now because I know, I would feel so much better. All those needs would be met in a second. But I know that I would end up in a bad place 1-2 years from know. We need to learn how to get our needs fulfilled without gaiming. We are addicted to it because of all those benefits. In porn it's feeling connected or loved. Basic human needs, but once they are unmet the body is reacting with pain. So we either adapt in the realworld or relapse. Relapse was so close yesterday. Next day to find ways to fulfill my needs. I think when we put time into that, learning how to fulfill them, we have a super power to live in this world. But it's a tough process. All in all it's just dopamine and meeting people. Dopamin is the key driver of our emotions.
  12. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Thanks man! Means a lot to me. Times are tough. I kinda think I was on zero dopamin and maximum pain today. Hurtful feelings but still alive ­čśä Never ever do cold turkey with youtube, twitch and porn at once. Too much needs to be met in real life and I have no clue how to adapt to it. Today I coped with fast food to get some dopamine ­čśä But well it helped and was showing me how much pain can be caused if you are too long in a low dopamin state. I was stuck in bordome. But once I was satisfied trough food, dopamine was released. Pain was way way better after that. But it's just a coping mechanism. Today I grabbed a book and read almost around 40 pages. Oh and awesome also: Through all the pain I wanted to just disappear. Like numbing on the internet and hiding. This would have been bad. Today I allowed myself to unplug from real life through dreaming and some imagination. This was like a great meditation and gave me a lot of energy. So I will include dreaming into my day maybe in the evening. I think it's a healthy way to unplug from real life for a while. Felt great!
  13. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Most important things right now: - Social interactions for isolation - Work for structure and meaning/fulfillment I think about those right now. I will focus on those two things right now. Both of them cause most of my suffering.
  14. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Living by the advice of Jordan Peterson. Life is suffering. What can we do about it? Reducing it! So my guiding light right now is focusing on reducing suffering. Made a lot of progress on that through a lot of conversations on topics that were causing suffering. And reduced a lot! It was so worth it. It's still a problem sitting at home in isolation but that source of suffering will past fade too. But it's a little bit better because hugh problems seem to get into the right direction. Focusing on reducing my suffering and the suffering of others is the best thing that happened to me. Something that I want to live by.
  15. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Loneliness is the most critical problem right now. I am still on Cold Turkey app with a whitelist approach. It's day 4. I just have the websites on a whitelist, that I need for work. No youtube... not twitch. This is really hardmode... so once my need of meeting people is not met, I have a lot of symptoms that are painful. It's also impossible to numb myself. I really feel a lot of emotional pain. So I try to leave my house and spend as much as time as possible outside. But it's super hard. I hope I will improve with it or get healthy to work in a normal job. It's really more of surviving instead of living. Incredible how the different platforms on the internet fulfill a lot of needs, that are not rooted in reality but just digital. Super scary that it's so hard for me to fulfill my needs without all the addictive platforms. Lot's of urges to just numb myself or to escape.
  16. Good luck and strength with your job in homeoffice. I also think accountability is super important when working from home. I somehow went as a freelancer only working from home. I ended up depressed because of the isolation. But as you keep track with your team mates it sounds like you have a good way to cope with it. Slipping into isolation is super hard and comes with small micro conveniences... I needed a lot of help and time to get out of it. Good luck and strength! Keep it up!
  17. Same here. Really like doing nothing. I was at a lake for around 6 hours today just enjoying my time. Also sounds great that your relationships improve! Keep it up!
  18. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today was great. - Around 6 hours out of my house - Made a lot of progress with socializing - Made progress around my relationship to people in general. It's quite hard but I make a lot of progress and today feels like a milestone int that area So I am really greatful for this day. It started out really hard but in the end staying outside was the key to have a great feeling in the afternoon. I think I will repeat this process tomorrow. As the weather stays great I really want to take advantage of that. Oh and this one is also huge. It's around a podcast around money. I knew I have a bad relationship with money, or at least weak believe systems. Instead of staying in being poor I got to a point where I feel rich. Not money wise but internally. I have everything I need. I am allowed to become rich. And this is not meant money wise it's more about relationships. I am allowed to have rich and fulfilling relationships. This is so strong. And with strong relationships the money will come from serving them. But at first I need to maintain good relationships. Without relationships there is no way to earn lasting money - for a company, as a freelancer or as a business owner. Keep it up guys! We can do this! If I can switch this mindset, everyone can do! Now it's time to build some lasting and fulfilling relationships ­čÖé PS: I was taking a freelancing course from Brad Hussey. He was also talking about this. Without the ability to build relationships, it's super hard to succeed everywhere in life. The one with relationship skills will always be more successful than the one with "only" pure technical skills.
  19. mks

    Mks' Journal

    I think I got my vision. I wanna support people who have a hard time. This is way better I think than working as a webdev.
  20. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today I listened to a podcast from Impact Theory on money. This one was really nice. Right now I need money from the state because of having no work. No matter where the stream of money comes from, he is giving the advice to just say thanks. So indeed after being thankful for this income stream I am way more happy and thankful. We often take things for granted or are even ungrateful. So yeah I will practice gratitude way more - especially around money.
  21. Congrats to the website project! Good luck with it!
  22. mks

    Mks' Journal

    So things are getting better. Had a problem with the cold turkey tool which is fixed right now. My goal is to be fit in around 1-2 weeks to be able to start with a new job. Laptop-wise: I want my laptop to be super limited. Just ordering stuff and one twitch channel. Like it's liimited right now. I will build a normal PC which I will bring to a co-working space. This PC has unlimited access to the internet for work. I will only work outside of my home. So my home is to relax and outside is for work. I don't wanna mix them with homeoffice. Gratitude I am grateful for my kinda stable state. I am grateful that I am able to clean my appartment on a daily basis. It's almost always clean. I am grateful for the app Cold Turkey that is helping me to stay focused. I am grateful for myself. Right now I really like myself although I don't have a job. I am grateful for being myself. I am grateful for just being.
  23. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Nostalgia is like we miss something which we think is really important to us. For me this is always the case with WoW. I often went back to WoW because of nostalgia. I was missing the time there. But most of the time it felt not like in my childhood. So I always quit after one month. This comes and goes. So I think it's ok to miss something, but we don't have to go back because we moved on with life. I think this is the best way to deal with nostalgia: "It's ok to miss something." It's human.
  24. I also believe this is a great mindset to solve it. We feel like we miss something really important. But like you said "[...] im pretty sure im not missing anything for my life by not playing a game." There is so much truth in it. Therefore replacing it with something important and meaningful is the most important thing. Compared to being bored, maybe watching TV, we indeed will miss something. But compared to building a family or a business or helping people in the community gaming will or should always lose with the right mindset.
  25. mks

    Mks' Journal

    So basically the thing that would cause me a relapse is nostalgia. This feeling of everything is fine, being able to numb myself. It's strange. all those things are caused through some internet behaviour and has nothing to do with real life. But in a way, one part of me is sad of not being able to go back. I know this because it causes so much pain. This feeling of nostalgia is really tough to manage. It feels like on the other side of it is everything fine, nothing to worry about. But it's so much of a wrong reality. So I was at the lake instead today and in a swimming hall. Social anxiety is down to 2/10 maybe even 1/10. So super good. In my case it was really a problem of serotonin which was way to low for me. Talking to people is still a problem with my confidence but I am getting better at it. Mostly because I try to not force things to happen. This helps a lot. Most of the things we can't control anyway. I still have a problem to find a job where I am able to live life how I want. I want to make this decision from a point of freedom. So that I have to freedom to choose and not being forced to do a job I hate. Don't think that I will handle one more of those jobs that I don't like. This means I try to be as honest as possible to find out what I really enjoy. Coming from a point as a webdev. I don't think I will stay in this career. I have to force myself to to it. And this is hell. Pure hell. Not it's just a matter of time, finding something that I really enjoy doing.