Icandothis

This feeling.... it’s what growth feels like. Do my best to keep my heart open through it all. The one thing I am waiting on is daycare for my little one. I can’t work until I have care. The waiting list are all extremely long for his age. Praying that something opens up. Thank you for being here.

Hi all, Thank you for all your feedback. I sometimes get really quiet and don’t have words to put with how I am feeling. The best I can describe this, is like being stuck in a thick fog and only being able to see a couple inches in front of me. Does anyone else feel like this? With all the changes happening, I feel lost confused and unable to get my grounding. I am ok.... thank you deeply to everyone who continues to hold space for me.

I have written this journal out a couple of times... then erased it. I just.... I need help. Psalm 33:3 Sing to him a new song, play skillfully and shout for joy.

Hi, Please make sure you are informed of all the side affects from anxiety medication. They are very powerful drugs, and you cannot just quit taking them. You have to taper off. Sending blessing to you as well. Have a beautiful day.

Very quiet today. Here is a song I like. Have a beautiful day.

Thank you for your post. It really means a lot to me. I am so glad your practice yoga. Some days it is the only thing that holds me together!!! A question that I often ask myself is, “what do I need in this moment”. When everything around me is chaos, I drop into my body, into my breath and listen. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for your very beautiful comment. You always know exactly what to say when things get rough. It means so much... you being here.

Emotion - Energy in motion Yesterday I saw red. After being exhausted, something triggered me and sent me over the edge. My body went into full flight/fight mode. I looked around and cried..... I need help! Then I realized I have a choice. My 2 oldest were at school. I called up a babysitter for my little one.... and off I went to the yoga shala. I walked in with so much suffering and pain. And then the miraculous happened. My teacher sat down and looked right at me and said, “ I too feel the suffering and pain. The depletion and emptiness. But take heart, you are not alone”. I broke down, tears welling up. We shaked, moved and wiggled all the pain out. We called out to our ancestral lineage for guidance. We did kriyas to balance the nervous system. We had gong for sound healing. And then finally at the end, we chanted “the last resort” meditation. It was truly scared. Life be breathed directly into my body. After only 1.5 hours I walked out revived and full of calm and peace. How could it be to move from such a place of darkness to light? To move the energy through my body and transmute it to joy? I need to honor my body and spirit more. Even God, had a day of rest. I am so very thankful to have the money for a babysitter. A car. Money for yoga. I realize how very privileged I am. Note: this post is very metaphorical. I apologize if this it’s hard to follow. Also the style of yoga is Kundalini. I different practice then most offered here in the states. Thank you for being here. Truly.

The space between having the impulse to watch porn, then taking the action to follow through is absolutely critical. At the beginning it feels as if our mind is on auto pilot. But the more we practice noticing the impulse, then taking a deep breath, then realizing that we have a choice as to what our action will be. You are doing such a great job at noticing and then choosing a healthy option. Building awareness, strength and courage. You are a beautiful being. Sending resilience to you today my friend!

And I realized that I just said basically the same thing @Sashiku did!!! Just know you have people here for you. 😊

Not much time to write, but you should be so proud of yourself. I agree with not picking up the phone, or any screen for that matter, at night. Not only is it a trigger for porn, but the blue light suppresses melatonin production... so even tho your body is tired... your mind will be awake. Reading is such a great idea... and very much relaxing. You are doing so well! Keep getting out into the community. Keep rock climbing... that’s so awesome. But most importantly be gentle with yourself. Sending light, joy, love and energy my friend. Hugs!

Which direction to go. My world seems open with possibilities today. Not sure what else to say. Have a beautiful day my friends!

Hi @BooksandTrees Thank you deeply as always for hearing and reflecting back to me. To be sure, you can call out any BS you see, as with any story there are many perspectives. To elaborate, I asked him how he was feeling about the surgery many times. This surgery had been 2 years in the making... so many doctors visits, consults, opinions. I asked him to please have one of his family members come up... so that there could be support with transport and just kids and logistics. He downplayed everything, saying it was “no big deal”. It was a huge deal, for me at least. I won’t expand, but it has been a huge physical toll on me. In reflection, I should have been louder about my need for support. I should have insisted a family member come to help. All the anger comes from a feeling of being overwhelmed, exhausted and simply burned out. Also from his side, he says he wants out of this partnership just like I do. We are basically just roommates raising kids together.... his words. This relationship ended a long time ago... so yeah I realize I seem kinda cold and emotionless to him. Anyways, I am sorry if this post has triggered anyone. I was able to practice yoga this morning and I feel much better. I am so grateful for my life. So grateful for my kids and their loving spirits. So grateful that for just today, we have a spirit of love joy and peace. Now time to tackle my to do list. Thank you for being here.

Isaiah 40:31 is a passage I turn to over and over again. Keep going with the Bible study my friend. Many people say the Bible should be the direct source.... but finding a trusted commentary might help with some of the verses. Have a beautiful day.

Hugs. Please look up a poem called, “The Sleepless Ones”. You will really resonate with the words. You are not alone.

Yes there are two sides to every coin. The good/bad...... Staying centered and grounded during the mist of change has been my practice. My intention for many years now is, at the core of my being I am calm, serene and at peace. My self care for the past 2 weeks has been close to nothing. And the body keeps score. I have had multiple infections and inflammation. I am so angry about my partner. He had a surgery scheduled for last week. I asked him how that surgery was going to affect me and the kids. He basically lost it, saying that I was selfish, and that I should be thinking about him, and all the pain he would be going through. It’s always about him, him, him! I feel like this is a form of gaslighting, as he took a very basic question and turned it around as a criticism towards me. I am so tired of this, and can not wait to be done. Anyways, his surgery comes along, and then as he is leaving, the hospital says I should be his caregiver for the next couple of weeks! Wtf. I have 3 kids to chase after, and there is no way I have time to be his nurse as well. I told the hospital, if they wanted him to have care, then keep him in the facility or send over a health at home nurse. At that note they stuttered... well he really doesn’t need care. Oh ok then! I am in a holding pattern for housing and daycare. Just waiting for a spot to open. And so through all of this I try to find my calm. I have lost it a lot lately. I think there is only a certain amount of stress a human being can be put under. Thank you for listening and being here.

Thank you for asking. I am having quite the shitty week. I am even allowed to say that on here? I will try to write more when I can. Hope you are doing well.

I have the same response to social media. I quite Instagram over a week ago, and I feel better. Everyone on there was trying to sell me something or promote their product. To me it’s like a business tool... that I do not want to be a part of. I am glad you like knitting and crocheting! It can be very relaxing and gives you something to concentrate on. The baskets sound really beautiful. Take care my friend.

This is where boundaries come in. You can be their friend and confidant. You can do other activities outside of gaming. But you have to draw the line at games. It’s tough when they are disappointed, but you should not internalize their feelings. Have a beautiful day my friend.

How are the subsidized units there? That is the type of housing I am trying to get into. Yes I agree the middle class gets taken advantage of. There are no social programs, the taxes are high. I hope with this upcoming test you will be able to increase you pay rate. And, along with the others, sorry to hear about the upcoming surgery. I hope all goes well. Have a beautiful day my friend.

So proud of you. To accomplish the pinnacle of your career in your 20s is really brilliant. You have got this text. You have the experience, education and studies. We believe in you. This is my humble advice, but yes I would hold off on dating until your test is over. Take some time to heal from your childhood trauma. Unhealed trauma will be repeated over and over again in relationships until it is fully healed. Have a beautiful day my friend.

Hi! Your journal was one the very first ones I read on this site. I think you were just finishing the 90 days and it was a big inspiration. Thank you for coming back and sharing your story. We all need community and a place to be heard. Look forward to reading your journal. Have a beautiful day.

Hi, I’m so sorry for all you have been going through. Please do not be afraid to share thoughts of suicide on here or with your family. Many people think of suicide when they are going thru a rough time.... the bravest thing you can do is ask for help. In addition to the therapist, is there also a suicide hotline you can call? There is one here in the states, and they route you to a trained professional who can listen. We are here for you... and you are loved.

Day 106 Ok, I am calling it. I feel as if my addiction to gaming as come to a an end. I no longer crave to play games at every opportunity. My big anxiety attacks are gone. I feel such a HUGE amount of space between an emotional trigger.... to wanting to play. I played a variety of games on all different devices. PlayStation, Switch. But if I am to be honest, the games that were the hardest to quit were the ones on my phone. Maybe it was because I had such quick access? Who knows. I never thought I would be here..... game free. I tried so many times. So so so many times. THIS community has been crucial. I read somewhere, that if you are trying to make big changes in your life.... but going it alone.... the odds are you will fail. Having a community, or mentor, or coach means everything. We are not meant to walk thru life alone. So thank you. To everyone who commented, liked, messaged. You being here has meant the world. I should have named my journal, WEcandothis, as it was you holding the light for me in the dark. Holding space for me when I was lost and confused. I am taking today to celebrate everything that has been accomplished. Job possibilities. New housing. Being much more present with my children. We’ve come so far!!!! I will still be posting here. As I have so much more to accomplish and I find this community to be a place of love. Thank you for being here. I truly appreciate you.

I listened to this last night ?