Ikar

Day 225: Feeling a bit under the weather today, as I have a sore throat. I read more "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, did a bit of paperwork and put together my schedule for the next week. No Ejaculation: 7 days It's kinda weird to admit that, but I have troubles getting out of bed because of this. I do have more energy throughout the day overall though and I think that's an improvement overall.

My observations and opinions are mostly based on the fact that most women decide to HAVE children. I'd rather take the stab in the dark and put you in the approx. 85% of the women who want to have/have children and take the 15% of making myself a fool by doing so, rather than to write something 100% ubiquitous without any real depth to it. Back to your case, I hope you've made it known to your SO about your intention of not having children. When I wrote "leader-less man", I meant a man who is out of touch about the realities of living a balanced life. If your SO has a job, gaming and the relationship with you as all there is to his life, his balance is (as you can already feel, because you seem to actively encourage him to do other things) fairly volatile. I don't think you are out there to "consume" him. What I'm thinking about is that I was in a relationship with a woman myself, where I let it define me from a large part, and whether there might be a chance your SO is doing the same with your relationship. Finishing the loop again, women who have children at least like to have the feeling that they can lean on men who have their backs, especially when taking care of the infants, in case they need the support. I've never heard, seen or read about a woman whose life goal was to be a single mom. I want to have a family eventually and a LOT of my worldview revolves around that, as you can see above. You decided to not have a family. We all have different worldviews and those create friction. I hope you can understand mine better now!

I don't think you necessarily need a lot of shared interests, though it's good to have a couple of them. I think what attracts a woman to a man is that she thinks the man's life is able to incorporate both her and the possible offspring into his life WITHOUT losing his baseline identity that made the woman attracted to him in the first place. One could say women are by and large attracted to security and trust. If he's ambition-less, unwilling to make any changes on his own and malleable (i.e. he will do everything to not lose you, but nothing to gain you), it's a rare woman who is willing to stay in a relationship with a leader-less man, who has no other options than to be with her. They call these men henpecked. Don't worry too much about your age. Yes, women are on a tighter biological clock, but I think it's not up until after 40 when they might start having issues having kids. It sucks to write that, but if you're already questioning whether to blow a couple of dollars on Reclaim, then you probably got your answer whether or not to stay in the relationship. I don't write this easily, but I think I was in the same relationship, just on the side of the male and despite the flaws of my ex, I believe she made the right decision when she broke up with me for both of us. If you're interested, a compact version of my story comparing the months before and after I quit gaming is here, to give you a hint about how I slowly began to turn my life around in a more meaningful direction. I'm content my insights have helped you so far ?

What makes you think that?

Day 224: I spent the most of my day in an English class, ran by my friend. I had a good chat with him afterwards as well. I spent about an hour on Twitch, while I was eating. Good day overall.

Day 222: I did a ton of errands yesterday. Emails, setting up a small car repair and paperwork. I exercised for a while too. I had to go to a bank and I listened to a podcast. I also visited my brother and talked with him for a while. I went outside afterwards, but I found out I got myself into a sports bar rather than a club. I chatted with a few guys and watched football on the TV. The ratio of guys/girls was about 5 to 1, so I spent about three hours there and then decided to go home. Day 223: I went to school today. The classes were quite nice. No Ejaculation: 5 days

They did call me before about it, but I was in the middle of watching Blackadder, so they caught me unawares. I wrote them to write me in the email what they told me in the call after about an hour, to double-check if I understood correctly. It was "just" pay for two hours of classes, but I'm not sure if it's ever reasonable to discuss money matters over phone, no matter how negligible they are. I believe they should be sent by (e)mail or personally by signing something. I enjoy lecturing and I think I could only find that out by quitting gaming. I do it for 10 hours a week, I could've had 15, but I thought I wouldn't want to overstretch myself. I always thought I was introverted, because I spent so much time at home by the computer (even though I streamed daily), but it seems I was wrong. Besides, I find the beginner classes fairly boring as I am basically just a translator for exercises in the book. But being skilled enough to create and cooperate in a situation like on Day 219... it's amazing. My main focus now is to put myself out there, do some networking and see what/who sticks. As for sex, I'm willing to consciously wait even several weeks before I get down to it. I think for most people, having sex implies relationship commitment, especially on the side of the woman. I don't have any hard numbers and nor do I think having sex is wrong, but I don't think it's very wise to commit to someone you've known for a few hours. I guess I could think up some elaborate reason that women can look good even without what I'd consider "too much skin showing", but I think it's just that deep down in the unconscious I feel terrified of my biology, so I think I just try to shove the responsibility away from me by resenting these very attractive-looking girls. I'll try to be more present the next time and force myself to at least approach them. I know I can't fight my biology. I'm not even afraid by rejection as a result, because the (unspoken) rejection is there by default if I don't act at all. I do not think I am experienced enough to really gauge the club environment yet. I plan to go there about once a week, perhaps later on with some friends I meet.

It'd seem like moving is a good idea, but do what makes you happier. Humans are bad at making objective comparisons anyway ?

I think a good idea is to think about what attracted you to him in the first place. What did he do to attract you to be with him? Did he always play 50+ hours a week? There ought be "Reclaim" program for loved ones for a couple dozen of bucks as well to help you out as well.

Day 221: In the morning, I had a Skype lesson and got the groceries. I also did a few tasks regarding my move, as a week from now, I will be in my new place. I got an email from one of the companies I work. Some other company refused to pay the company I work for (under their name), so my company said they wouldn't pay me for the classes I had. I promptly sent them an email that I will not stand for this bullshit and that they better sort it out. I'm not sure if this was some kind of a shit test, but I always check my pay on my bank account. When I talk to my company's representatives in person, I'll mention this, as I think they fucked up. I visited my grandma afterwards. I then decided I want to go out, as I felt somewhat lonely and restless. I remembered there would be a small self-help seminar in the area, so I decided to go there. It was called "Switch Off the Saboteurs in Your Head". A lot of the concepts I've heard today were already familiar and they resembled a bunch of the principles I already try to abide by. I felt a bit anxious to ask too much to not be too distracting, but I asked about half the questions/made the observations I wanted to and reacted when it was appropriate. After the seminar was over, I was approached by a woman in her 40s who was there with her daughter who was about 15. It seemed that she was impressed by my knowledge of books/historical events/psychology. I was equally surprised someone would walk up to me and express their interest in my statements/knowledge, outside of my English classes. I'm still a rookie in this! XXXXX I wrote the above statement in @Avnat Netzer 's journal this morning. For whatever reason, the "she looks too good to not be a slut" part seemed like the perfect example I could give, because it was based on my experience from last week's visit to the club. I was shocked by that actually being the case, so I wrote my friend about it in the evening and tried to understand this weird belief of mine. Here I have very attractive women and here me thinking they are "this kind of girls", without even talking to them. I'm happy I managed to detect this pathological pattern within me. The general implication of the above is this: Don't underestimate the ability of people to hate others, because they do better/are better/have success in something. It's a very solid excuse to not try and get better, as it takes the responsibility away from them. It's very appealing. They can't get rid of a pathological belief before they actually make themselves aware of them. I guess nobody can. I also noticed my disobedience levels are raising, for better or worse. It makes it easier to be spontaneous, but harder to stick to plans.

Sure enough, I also had several weeks without games when I was addicted, because I went to holidays, summer camps etc. Even if I was unskilled socially, I didn't even mind the rejections made by others (if I even noticed them), because I think I was always less of the anxious type and more of the socially-unaware type. It's a good thing the wedding planning keeps you busy, but it's gonna be over one day and you'll have to do something else. I think your reasons to be here are reasonable. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact you wouldn't share with her the fact that you are trying to improve your life, by removing some of your dysfunctional behaviors (based off of guilt/anxiety) and rather share it anonymously on GQ. I'll try to analogize it to my situation as a single male. I think in my case would it mean that I would feel guilt (for considering a woman I'd like to approach physically/sexually attractive) and anxiety (making excuses to not approach her - i.e. she looks too good to not be a slut, she'll embarrass me in front of everyone/I'll look like a dumb-ass if she rejects me). Confidence helps me get through that and it's one of the things I think women love.

Day 220: I did a few small errands in the morning, read more of "No More Mr Nice Guy". The forums dedicated to the book are very helpful too. Daily comfort zone/female action: The last class was the most interesting today as well. I could say I did more of the same today, but perhaps I managed to show it in an even better way in the class. It's sometimes mentally challenging and I feel a bit anxious as well, but I also feel animated, confident and radiant and I think people sense it.

What I am thinking of is that gaming is an addiction as any else. Imagine that instead of a gaming problem, you'd have an alcohol problem, downing three beers each night. I think she would notice more easily you are not drinking anymore compared to quitting games. I observed a lot of the standing GQ members and the result of quitting games is a lot more than having X more hours to do other things. The main thing is that you also notice how your gaming lifestyle got you involved with similarly oriented people. If you are able to spend a couple of hours a day hopelessly sucked into something, people who associate with you will likely have some skeletons in their closet as well.

I'd recommend "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty" by Mark Manson who was a dating coach for a couple of years. I enjoyed reading it thoroughly. I remember that up until I met my ex, I had to deal with several/dozen of rejections (be it in person or through the Internet) before I met her. I think it had to do less with age/experience (I was 20 when I met her) and more with the total number of women I've shown my romantic/sexual interest in (somewhere in the low 10s), in proportion to quality of my lifestyle, not entirely but partly projected by my looks (gaming addicts don't have much going for them). I don't know where/how you approach women to date them, but you should be more resilient/less anxious about your dating capabilities, simply because two women rejecting you could easily fall into the area of statistical error. Take your time to soak the experience and keep your eyes peeled. There's bound to be a woman for every man ?

Day 219: I started the day off with an interesting English lecture. Only a single student came to it, mother of two, somewhere in her forties. She came up with a couple of difficult words I didn't know the translation for, so I have to look them up for the next time. I did not get derailed by that though and admitted that she got me! Afterwards, we had a conversation about basically anything. I'm not sure we got to the point, but she admitted being afraid of spiders anywhere and no matter how big. I got a bit puzzled by that at first, saying that I think spiders are quite cool creatures, unless they are crawling up my body. I somehow got the idea to relate to her though, as myself I am afraid of bees/wasps/hornets, telling her it probably goes back to when I was 4, playing in a sandpit, when something stung me so badly I remember crying for the next half an hour. After that, she mentioned that she thinks she was able to condition her kids to be afraid of spiders as well. I remembered an old Peterson video, with him giving an example of how kids model their mother's behavior and responses to novel situations. If a mother would freak out because of a mouse running around, the kids would freak out as well, because their mother tagged it as dangerous. I think it was a pretty cool class. In a way, I am proud she could share her vulnerability with me and vice versa. I really think there's a lot more to the classes, once the students are able to hold a decent conversation level of speaking. Throughout the day, I read 3 chapters of "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It's a fairly direct book and I can relate to the stories in it. Daily comfort zone/female action: In one of my other classes, I was able to introduce a new activity, with one of the students interpreting my English statements to Czech in real time. It was a small motivational speech, so the sentences revolved around that.

It sure is! A friend told me his favorite scene was the one with "bench and lake and ducks". I watched that scene again. It shows how unimportant and second-rate facts are compared to experiences. Experiences aren't true or false. They're either memorable or they are not. In my teenage arrogance, I claimed to know everything, despite not doing almost anything.

I see you were into Paradox games as well! I played Hearts of Iron, Steel Division 1944 and a couple of other games from them. I surely enjoyed all the thinking, strategizing and analyzing myself. Does your fiance know that you quit games? I'm not sure how many hours you spend on games (perhaps also YouTube and Twitch), but chances are the more you spent there, the more your life will seem to shake with everything within it.

Day 218: I listened to the ep. 011 and ep. 015 of the Gaming the System by @James Good . I found out that we liked the same game in the past! It also got me thinking that we as humanity evolved way faster than our senses are able to deal with easily and that the world is just too damn complex. I watched "Good Will Hunting" about a deranged genius youngster who snaps out of his know-all attitude and in the end goes out there and lives his life. It was a bit relatable. I was inspired afterwards, so I got some of my errands done that needed to be done. I think I'm still a bit behind, but it's nothing tragic. No Ejaculation: Got to 11 days. Not bad at all considering I was really provocative towards myself. Starting over. Daily comfort zone/female action: 0

Words to abide by.

Day 217: I went to visit my friend's English classes as a student/support this time. It was pretty intense to be an active student for about 9 hours. In one class, translated his sentences for like half an hour straight. Full focus, trying to stay dead on in the interpretation. It was great, but very exhausting. Daily comfort zone/female action: Day 214 had the night club party. Day 215 had nothing. Day 216 had me walking around the shopping mall with a straight back, looking people in the eye for about half an hour. Today had probably the most botched invitation for a date. I enjoyed talking to one girl quite a bit for several minutes, so she left a good impression on me and looked nice as well. She was in a hurry though and seemed to be even in a more of a hurry after I raised this suggestion. But you know what, I'll take it. I got started on this after several months and my actions show me I am serious about dating (or at the very least about having sex).

I feel more energetic as a result of not ejaculating. I practice non-ejaculatory orgasms. I think it primes me towards being more sexual and increases my stamina, though that's speculative. Myself, I am fine with two beers or two shots to get me a bit more courageous. I'm going there to meet people, not to pass out and waste money. I plan on visiting potentially less expensive meetups as well. I think the prime time to be in a club is between 22-01. After that, basic lack of food/water starts to kick in heavily and the experience is not as enjoyable anymore.

People are people, I think we can really click with a small percentage at any given time. Truth to be told, I don't even think that we need or can manage more than a few or a couple of genuine friends in our lives at the same time, so don't worry if you scanned through hundreds of people and only a few of them stuck. That's normal. As for your IRL friends, if they are all like you described, you have to realize you made those friendships when you were addicted and that they might not give you what you need these days. You can try to confront them about what you think you need/want from your common relationship nowadays and see if they accept, but I'd expect most of them would just drop you. It doesn't make sense to keep phony going, if you think they are phony already. Regarding the GQ community, people not responding to you doesn't imply that it's your fault. At the beginning, I was worried a bit about spending too much time on GQ YT/forum. Later on, it sucked to lose some people I knew here as time passed by, but I can't imagine being THE deal-breaker for someone's addiction. In fact, if I was that, it'd be quite horrifying, because that'd mean I basically control the other person's life. This sort of thing is hard to justify even in the closest romantic relationship, let alone some random Internet forum. Be smart with whom you support, if you expect serious feedback. Set yourself up for success. @Vera above might have a point. I think you are becoming a workaholic. Work. Games. Drugs. Being a willow. If you invest yourself just into one thing too heavily, it will devour you. I'm trying to apply the principle of "benevolent selfishness". As long as I don't end up consciously punching or screwing around someone too hard, I think I am good to go. As a former "Nice Guy", I had to become a bit more selfish, just because otherwise I'd end up being used all the time. I think you feel angry, because you think you share yourself a lot more than others share themselves for you. Give less of a damn about others and more of a damn about yourself, because it's obvious you don't do that. Bathe, eat well... @Vera is again on point in this. I love to see you are writing bluntly.

Time to report three days in a row. 214 was party time, 215 was report time and 216 is today. Using my Excel schedule to pull some data. Day 214: I went to the shop in the morning. I nailed some mails and I also actually got around to my drums after three years to play a bit. I wrote a part of my 210 days report and visited my grandma. I went to a party in a club afterwards. I thought a friend of mine was going there as well, but he didn't come in the end. I didn't know anyone there, so I met a couple of people and talked to them to at least get me started. I had a good chat with one of the guys for about an hour and we might meet again. The rest of the evening, I changed groups of people, sometimes saying something myself and sometimes just listening to them. I also danced. I even approached a few girls to dance with me and although one accepted, it didn't progress past that. Beginnings are hard, haha! I'll have to do this more times to see how the nightclub environment suits me. It was a good experience for the first time I did this. Day 215: I watched the 1976 Network. It was a pretty raw film, I enjoyed it. I think it's even more actual than it was 43 years before, back when TV basically had a monopoly on in-home entertainment. It shows the shift from serious news coverage to sensation hunting. I finished my report above. I started watching Black Adder series 4 as well. I also read a bit of the Gulag Archipelago volume II. Both those days above I felt high energy, but low focus to get something done. Day 216: I went to school today. We discussed a few interesting ideas from psychology, so it was stimulating and I had a good time. Some of my family and I went to the cinema to see Ford v Ferrari. It was a nice film, based on historic events. No Ejaculation: 8 days left (10 days done)

I think it's a shame more people here don't do this kind of thing, with almost 10k subs on YT and 2.7k here on the forums. They could see the stark contrast over a couple of months. "Anxiety, almost by its very definition, represents a high level of investment of your identity in the opinion of others." - Mark Manson I think my anxiety levels have gone down. Unless I am physically/psychically consciously torturing someone, I'm basically free to do whatever I want. I think in the past, in the army, I based too much of my identity off of others. If they felt shitty, I felt shitty too. I was too malleable. Once I made enough money than I knew what to do with, I decided to do the logical thing to quit if I feel shitty about my job. As for dating, but relationships in general, I realized I am intrigued by people with opinions, even if I don't have to agree with them, and especially if I happen to resonate with their experience. I sort of chickened out putting this into the text, but I think I'm about to meet a bunch of people in a couple of weeks and I need a simple heuristic for women I could possibly date. Yes/No. Up until I actually happen to approach a woman and talk to her, I can't evaluate her on anything else but physical attractiveness. I feel like I have to combat my sexual anxiety at times, but it's probably gonna take me some time to fully grasp this concept, as I only recently stopped hiding behind dating apps and started doing something in person. To be blunt, you can always have a woman in your life. The question is, how much of your identity are you ready to sacrifice for/invest in her? We change all the time anyway, so we might as well change in a good manner! Thanks to both of you for your comments ?

I think Cam wrote in the guidelines that everyone should comment at least on 3 other people's topics after posting theirs. I think people quitting quitting gaming has another reason though. Mainly because anything you start, you are bound to be bad at it. People don't like that and it's unlikely one gets through this phase. It's an interesting observation.