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Ikar

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Everything posted by Ikar

  1. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    I'll take off some time today or tomorrow to figure something more long-term out, as I'm leaving in about three weeks. I don't think I stayed on top of my university duties as much as I would've liked the past week and that might make me study for a week longer, though it shouldn't be too much of an issue.
  2. Damn, your post made me a bit scared, so I wrote down some actionable points I have to solve in order for my summer trip to be successful and some future ideas regarding my work involvement. I'm also living with my parents right now, but I've been on my own for about year and a half before. Now, I am at home for the past year (where the possibility of living with my ex in the future existed and was a viable thing to work for, so my landscape shifted in that regard three months ago), but I pay them a healthy amount of money as a rent, so I get treated as an associate in a way. I'm also slowly figuring out my next steps regarding teaching English, because I don't want to be stuck with them forever, once I start earning some reasonable amount of money again. Regarding women, I think you have it nailed down. You want to have something to offer (even if it's in the making) and you want stability (so you save yourself the trouble of future breakup/divorce). Keep climbing the competence hierarchy!
  3. I think I had that figured out, but it turns out that the double-digit hours gamer addictive personality couldn't really cut it for me in the relationship either, it's just too shallow for that. It's better to find that out after 9 months, rather than 9 years and 2 kids. That's why I am here, to start anew. I also struggle keeping up with the bold part of the text, but I don't think there's any other way to go around it, if I don't want my life to be a quagmire. I'm happy my message resonated with you :)
  4. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 43: I watched Maps of Meaning ep. 5 in the morning and took some notes. My brother came for lunch, so we spent some time together as the family. I kind of bombarded by schedule that way though. I was here forum, did Duolingo Russian, watched a bit of a documentary about Bhutan and read almost the whole first chapter of 12 Rules for Life. I chatted with a friend a bit about mental illnesses (and how difficult is to raise a child), I watched Simpsons, started studying for the exam tomorrow and also writing here. I felt down again roughly in the afternoon/evening, but I got into reading the 12 Rules and that kept me holding steady. I think I am going a good job with contending whatever produces this "down" time of mine and how to counteract that in the most efficient manner. It's still probably one of the roughest times I am having during the detox. 8-12: MoM ep. 6 12-13: lunch 13-14: clean room 14-15: read 12 Rules 15-17: exam 17-18: work out 18-20: Simpsons ideas for future: check your tabs I think I can make this schedule work 100%! :)
  5. I agree with @Ambassador, social media is a great pitfall if you use it to judge yourself with others. Comparing yourself to who you were yesterday is a much healthier choice. On a related note, I think you should deal with that past relationship of yours in a way, so that you're comfortable dealing with a random stimuli thrown at you by social media, so that doesn't throw you out the window emotionally for the rest of the day. I've been fairly liberal about posting my past relationship experience, because: 1) I'm naturally blunt, I have a hard time hiding my emotions if I encounter something I'm uncomfortable with 2) I keep my progress about my thought process 3) someone might be willing to share their experience, despite the very limited range I can describe it with just text 4) writing is thinking and even if I think I've already written it a hundred times, I still might come up with some new reference or explanation I think often people give simplistic advice in the form of "get over it" or "let it go" and I don't think that's very helpful. I've come to a point in life where I believe anything short of a paragraph of text can be so woefully misrepresented. Regardless of that, only you can make peace with you and your past, not your friend, not your family and not Santa Claus. To do this, you have to be true to yourself to the maximum extent you can possibly be. I know that sounds very obvious, but I think there's a mixed bag of sadness/resentment. If you fully resent someone, you believe there's no good in them. That's very rarely true, just based on the fact you are both human and you'd behave in horrible ways if you thought there's nothing good about humanity. It's a fair initial coping mechanism, but you need to get over it eventually to draw some reasonable conclusions from the relationship. Judging from your response, I think sadness might be more relevant to you. I think it gives people the lens viewing the relationship and the other person too as something ideal, perfect and also everlasting. This doesn't exclude you can't get back together, but you want to know the other person changed in the way you did, so the relationship can hopefully last this time. You attract what you are. If you are responsible, hard-working and determined, you'll naturally attract responsible, hard-working and determined partners. I intentionally use "responsible", as it strikes me as a better word than "honest" or "loyal", perhaps it's not abused as much. It's nicely described here: To conclude, go deal with your snakes in the past, so they don't reflect into the future. It'll be worth it. After all, one day, you probably want to be with someone you'll feel comfortable with telling your whole past and not regretting it.
  6. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 42: I watched Maps of Meaning ep. 4 in the morning and took some notes again. It's fascinating how much thought was put into the making of Pinocchio animated film. After lunch, I read the Carl Panzram biography, I put it into the spoiler. It explains how you can turn into an incarnation of revenge upon humanity, if all you get from humanity is misery, resentment and walloping. I hope I never end up there. I played some Scrabble afterwards and setup Upwork account thanks to recommendation from @James Good, where my job would be psychology/self-help writing and translation. I worked out after that, watched Simpsons, 1995 Casino and now I'm here. I feel like I'm in sort of a slump in the past few days. I sometimes feel hollow during the evening, but I've done a good job avoiding it up until now. I'm inclined to believe it'll pass, I'm nearing half of the detox and I'm doing remarkably well compared to how I did three months ago. 8-12: MoM ep. 5 12-13: lunch 13-14: exam 14-16: flight ticket 16-17: email send papers 17-19: exam 19-20: work out ideas for future: check your tabs 
  7. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 41: I watched some interesting JP-related videos and did groceries. After that, I had lunch and I watched the South Park episode. I finished cleaning my car as well. I went a bit off, schedule, but I got a bit to studying, working out and some SEO research, though I probably didn't do it in the extent I'd like to. Little by little, I'll eventually get somewhere, so that's good. I got a vibe that I feel lonesome again. I want to fill it with some meaningful meetup/social hobby/relationship, otherwise I'll throw in something pathological instead and that's not gonna be good. 8-12: MoM ep. 4, email send papers 12-13: lunch 13-14: free 14--16: exam 16-17: Scrabble 17-19: SEO investigation 19-20: work out ideas for future: check your tabs 
  8. My comments on what @AssellusPrimus wrote: Accessibility - Agreed 100%. I was quite minimalist with this, I think all I did was to uninstall Steam, block Twitch, unsub from YT gaming channels and Discord servers, basically used as alerts for Twitch. That was it for me. Identify why are you playing - I used a bunch of Tony Robbins' stuff before I quit games, actually "Awaken the Giant Within" was probably the first self-help book I read when I was 18/19. It wasn't very helpful for me back then though, as I had never imagined I'd be on GQ one day. I was dealing with a crisis of meaning, something WAY deeper than pain/pleasure associations. Back then, I assumed things would come to me "on their own" over time, that someone could "teach" me to be better, tougher, smarter and what not. That all I would do was to "invest" a few years into that and I'd be OK. Now that's a nice line of thinking, but it was pathetically irresponsible. "Something/someone" will take care of me. Yeah... no. Responsibility was an empty word for me for a lot of years. I don't think anyone ever explained to me and even if they did, it would probably sound something like "It means you basically agree to tie yourself to a certain thing and make sure it goes well." Now that sounds kind of horrible. Well, what's the trade-off then? You have some purpose, you're not a nihilist and you're not a leech on your society and loved ones, because you play games 16 hours a day. Video of Cam on the topic in the spoiler: Schedule - As much as I have troubles practicing it, concentrated and sustained effort yields fruit. You also can't do everything every single day and you also want some time to rest. Plan ahead. Maybe you want to nail that thesis a week before the deadline, instead of several hours before it. Perhaps you failed in that and still rushed 50% of it a few hours before the deadline. That's still better than doing a 100% on the last few hours. Good for you! It's OK to start something new badly, but persevere. Role models - I have a few of them personally. They need to be a) human and b) above in you in the mastery you try to attain. Try to have a few of them within your reach, so you know they are real and are able to give you some advice directly if you ask them. I've one for English teaching, psychology and game quitting. Now some of my thoughts: It hurts/Opportunity - Acknowledging that about I spent about 90% of my time in a very sub-optimal way was quite shocking. I take it as my second chance though, not everybody is allowed that during their life to do a full reboot as I have. Small change - Associated with that, the change I made in my head wasn't that big, it just had a big impact. I write more, I go out more, I study more, I'm more outgoing, adventurous... just because I have to shift these needs elsewhere from gaming/Twitch. Be clear on who/what you want - I got into a doomed (hindsight) relationship and my irresponsibility backfired, though there were some nice things I've never experienced before and I very much deserved all of that and so did she. Be vigilant. If you are responsible, pick responsible friends and partners. You can't forcefully pull someone out of a lurch, they need to crawl out of it themselves. Find something you are good at or enjoy and pursue it. There has to be something good you can give to the world.
  9. Hurting people - I'm not sure if you meant it as a hypothetical scenario or if you really like it, but the underlying aggression can be used for good as well, perhaps in martial arts, law enforcement or military. I don't think you want to manifest it in the wrong way as you are thinking of it though and you are correct about that. However, it has its place inside of you and you need to accept it and control it. The greatest tyrants of the 20th century were human too, after all. Gaming - It's a tough call. You kinda have to trust yourself that if you want to play an hour according to your schedule, you'll play an hour, save and quit or finish the current match and then move onto something else. Maybe you'll fail sometimes and play hour and a half. I can imagine if you relatively "master" that (let's say you play an hour a day for a month with 85% success rate), I think it makes you stronger and more vigilant in life in general. You need some good countermeasures for support though, if other things in your life go south, so you don't fall back into full-fledged addiction, because gaming will be THE first thing to binge on, possibly for the rest of your life.
  10. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 40: I watched ep. 3 of MoM and had lunch afterwards. I cleaned my car only halfway through, as it just started raining when I was in the middle of it! I didn't take any pictures, as my father got home from work early. I watched the Paul Bernardo police interview, it's definitely interesting how psychopaths try to work their way out of bad situations. I wrote the exam, did some groceries, watched some Simpsons and now I'm here, thinking what to do tomorrow. I'll see how much of the self-authoring can I do. 8-12: YT tab reduction, email send papers 12-13: lunch 13-14: photo taking 14-15: finish car cleaning 15-16: exam 16-17: work out 17-18: dog whisperer ep. SP/free 18-20: SEO investigation dog whisperer ep. SP ideas for future: check your tabs
  11. Sounds good! I'm also sometimes impulsive about less important things or some random super interesting research I want to do, but I'm making a schedule for every single day from now on. It's somewhat loose and so it might happen one day I get all my errands done in the morning if I get hyper-motivated, but mostly I need something to go on to avoid feeling guilty about messing around the whole day, doing nothing about the real scarecrows.
  12. There's still probably a lot of stuff to do, if you stop and think about it for a while. I always used to get enthusiastic about something, left a tab open and I'd have well over a hundred tabs open at a time before, so I recently got rid of them by putting them into bookmarks. I still want to visit those pages one day, so they are waiting for me there once I feel the most immediate stuff is dealt with and when I plan some time for them. Keep the detox up!
  13. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Regarding yesterday, I did everything I was supposed to do, though I watched some Simpsons mainly though my exam studying time, but planning "free" fun time seems like a sound idea too. I decided to make a schedule for every single day from now on, as I hate the feeling of being a guilty headless chicken, because I need not only the what, but also when, otherwise some things will never get touched and that's wrong. Day 39: I got up way late, I'd guess mainly because my sleep was interrupted. I watched ep. 2 of Maps of Meaning (put the playlist into the spoiler) and I took some notes during it. I wrote to my friend on the topic as well and wrote a few posts here too. After that I went English teaching, watched some Simpsons and now I'm studying for the exam tomorrow. 8-12: MoM, email send papers 12-13: lunch 13-14: photo 14-15: clean 15-18: exam 18-20: self-authoring Plain and simple.
  14. I'll start planning my days too. Right now, I have a daily to-do list, but I am kinda lost in time and get caught up in doing something else without structuring a proper time-frame. I've been back-and-forth on this for a few years, but I have to do it! I'll think about something more cohesive for this topic later.
  15. Kids - I think people have kids when they both decide that life is worth living and they'd like to extend that over another human. It's also quite a glorious project to basically take care of another human for about 20 years. Love - I've been recommended recently that love is truth and I'll see how that works in my next romantic relationship! Both to yourself (and the other person) and that's a pretty huge deal. If you are truthful, you can solve problems that will occur, because they WILL occur.. There are people that treat their dog better than they treat themselves and I think that's wrong. Happiness - I imagine happiness is something like going along the journey of life and seeing that things are actually looking pretty good. You can never fix ALL problems or do EVERYTHING. I've been at home for half a year playing games/watching streams and I don't think I've been in a happy place, quite the contrary. It was like one of those retirement "visions" that contained "drinking margaritas on a beach". For a week, sure. For next 10-15 years? You're probably gonna be an alcoholic by that point! Truth - This one is tricky. You really need to be responsible and in charge of yourself to tell the truth. That means you can't be addicted, as the addiction's personality is basically in control of you. Then you are only truthful to the extent of your addiction, but you can't be 100% truthful if you have it.
  16. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 38: Watching MoM in the morning turned out pretty nice, I didn't take any notes though. I prepared for the English teaching class and headed out to my grandma's. I hopped on my bike despite the fact it was pouring and took a bit of an intentional detour to explore the nearby area, so that'd be my bike trip! Vising the grandma was nice and the class went well too. I studied a bit for the exam today, but I'm so heavily biased towards audio/visual stimulation it's difficult for me to focus on text, even in a presentation. There's still tomorrow, so it's not too bad. I watched the Crumb documentary and it nicely depicted how the artist came to be. Made me feel happy about my family and also that my outlook on women isn't as skewed as his, though by a stroke of luck he's pretty well off. Straightening yourself out is no joke. @Ikar: exam, flight ticket, clean car
  17. Ha, here I went I'd read a "normal" daily report and look at that. It's the real and unexpected stories that keep someone interested, very much like Jordan Peterson described to me this morning in his lecture. Some days are more interesting than others and deserve to be written about more than others. It really is staggering how vulnerable people are. I've been heading towards hell slowly, but steadily with my addiction. Yet, I can't even begin to fathom what would have to happen to bring me towards having suicidal thoughts or actually attempting suicide. I hope that woman find a way to straighten herself out and crawls out of the ditch she's in. You have one go on your life, so you might as well enjoy it, rather than just die prematurely. Happy to hear your girlfriend has her act together and that she was able to do to avert the tragedy that'd meet her classmate's friends and family.
  18. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 37: I'll make this one a bit longer, as I watched JP's lecture in the spoiler. It clicked a few more things in my (pathological, but no regrets) relationship with my ex and females in general. I think I'll actually use his long lectures as a replacement for the WWII documentary. I'm taking notes too for further use! I woke up after my alarm and got up only after my father called me on the phone. Reason being a horrible dream where the reality was that my mom was dead. That'd be a pretty appalling reality to live in indeed, especially after I confided to her with my gaming addiction. I also noticed a craving for a sense of belonging yesterday with someone else than my family. I've been struggling with how my real life was recently fractured and sought a unifying force. Mostly it's been gaming (history) and my ex (recently), that'd be there for me basically when I needed them. I still have the Internet (daily GQ, Youtube, various IRCs), but I am thinking along the lines of real-life connection. All the other factions seem sort of distant: high school friends - scattered throughout the country on universities, 1x month if I am lucky army friends - I meet with just one of them, thanks to the fact we decided to study the same university, others are scattered university - we go there 1x week on the combined form, it's more like a hobby English teaching - 1x week I teach the same people All that taken into consideration, I have to be mindful of the fact that I am leaving to Iceland in a month, so that's gonna be a huge test of my independence. I'm also very vigilant about who's gonna be my next romantic partner and I'll make bloody sure I know what I'll be getting into. I got some photos in the morning, I checked a bit on the flight ticket, did Russian and sent the letters. I worked out in the evening and helped my father with a TV. I felt a bit bummed out that I am placing too much responsibility on myself, but I still got a decent chunk done regardless. Plan for tomorrow: prep English: 8-9 Maps of Meaning: 9-12 bike trip: 12-14 grandma: 14-16 English teaching: 16-18 Exam prep: 18-20 Crumb: 20-22 We'll see how that goes! (clean car, flight ticket later)
  19. 100% agreed with @James Good ! It doesn't matter how much time you "wasted", as long as you come back (and it doesn't necessarily even have to be here) and have the honest intention of becoming better than you were. Some days you feel amazing and truly live up by that creed, whereas other days you are in self-inflicted despicable agony, where your integrity depends solely in keeping yourself away from downloading Steam.
  20. I'd have a very different opinion on this a year ago, but today I try to understand what makes people do what they do. Chances are, if they are human and you are human too, you can be a horrible monster just like anyone else. That's quite a shift from the binary "I'll take a revenge while I am angry" X "I'll just get pooped on and never make a stand for myself". It's pretty rough if you have that at home on a daily basis and there's no way to have a reasonable talk with the other person though. Whatever decision you make, be mindful of yourself and be responsible!
  21. Good approach. I feel it's kinda like trying to reconcile your ex; you are kinda afraid of it, but if you can communicate genuinely, I think it'd be pretty instructive. Good news is, you don't even have to deal with another human, just yourself! :D
  22. Agreed! I'd also work on developing my career/work first if it's already your focus, rather than to get tangled up in a new relationship and try to work out an extra thing. Taking care of yourself first is the top priority. Speaking of which, the end of my past relationship was the impulse that got me here on this forum after facing some harsh truth! It depends on who your parents are. My parents also got shaken when I quit my day job. What they wanted me to be was to be safe and you are fairly safe in a day job. It's what they do too, so I can't blame them for that. I want some adventure in my life first though!
  23. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    I forgot to mention I voted yesterday in the EU elections, so that took me an hour as well. Day 36: I got up pretty late, as a result of yesterday's meetup. I got some files together for the exam and did Russian. Brother came for lunch and after that I drove my family by car to a nearby village for a walk. I returned home with the car, watched some JP on addiction, did a bit of self-authoring and discussed women yet again with a Romanian friend of mine. I played some Scrabble and worked out in the evening and played a bit of basketball with some random guys that joined me. I know I slacked this weekend on whatever I wanted to do, so I'll pick up on that tomorrow. I'll go on a short bike trip and get my errands done tomorrow. @Ikar: clean car, photo, flight ticket, duo, read 1 page, send letter x 2, exam, bike trip, groceries
  24. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 35: I don't have too much of an idea about the order of the day, but I know I mowed the lawn, cleaned my desktop, did Russian and mycat (website where I write what I did as a teacher in English classes), played Scrabble with mom, had a bit of a headache during the day, so I laid down for a while too and I think that was it until the evening. We had a small meetup from high-school, where we watched hockey. I think I didn't meet them for about three months, so I told them I broke up with my ex, but that I understood why she did it, so I can't hate her for that and that I am looking forward to my next relationship. We shared some insights on women afterwards. We also got to talk about Iceland a bit. It was a nice evening! @Ikar: : clean car, photo, flight ticket, duo, work out, read 1 page, send letter, exam