BooksandTrees

This clairvoyance is a great thing to see. You know you're strong enough now. That is so important. Keep it up! Glad you're doing better and thank you as well.

Great job and congrats. Keep going.

Thank you. This journey has me feeling very confident in my self assessments as of late.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I do think if you enjoy that forum then you shouldn't leave. If it brings you happiness and community interaction then I think you should just block them and move on, even if they have power. I've had experiences like that where people bother me and I just block them and move on. Even on this website I've blocked 3 people. Just because we all want to heal doesn't mean we're all good people (this website), and just because some people enjoy a certain form of entertainment doesn't mean they will like each other (your other forum). I hope you feel better soon and I am happy with all of the progress you've made in the past three years on this website. You've been an inspiration to many people who are trying to make the long commitment to self improvement and having a better life. I'd take some time and consider returning to that forum if it really is an important place for you. You deserve happiness - don't punish yourself for something they did by annexing yourself from a society you enjoy.

Someone called me a "simp" today. I didn't know what it meant so I looked it up. It means "A man who foolishly overvalues a woman and puts her on a pedestal." I got pissed off about it for a bit. I told a woman congrats on her martial arts achievements and to keep it up. She said thank you and appreciated the comment and gave me a high five. I was called a simp after that. In my own self pity I almost beat myself up for being pathetic. Was I just complimenting her because I'm lonely and want a girlfriend? No, I was sincerely impressed that she was a state champion after training for 2 years. She found a passion, dedicated time to it, and became a champion. That's something I've been wanting to do and was impressed. I think I demonstrated good self awareness here. I have tended to give attention to women in the past in hopes of getting closer to them and spending time with them in order to potentially date. But don't all people do this if they're interested in someone initially? I think I have a strong grip on reality where I can fairy assess myself and say whether I'm being pathetic or not. I've seen pathetic attempts at getting pussy. I'm not in that realm. I don't like being associated like that. I came to realize this person has been single for longer than me and resents women for it and also resents men who give attention to women because he does not value women. I was happy to make that distinction and was proud that I valued myself higher than I previously did in years past.

Thanks for the article. I downloaded his ebook.

My apartment life has been up and down. I've had many nights where I haven't slept and many nights where I've been fine. One of my neighbors is doing something obnoxious to create vibrations. They did a very thorough test in my presence tonight with one unit and it failed. I have a feeling it's the other unit. But I'm glad they were able to investigate it and took me seriously. I watched porn tonight and got very disappointed. I just sit there after nutting and immediately think to myself that I'm being a moron doing this. It doesn't make me feel good at all. I'm going to ask my friends and family to take better photos of me this weekend and next weekend. I'm tired of being surrounded by idiots and fake attention. I am taking charge. I think I get upset that I didn't have more fun as a late teen/young 20 something. I watch those music videos for "Boys like girls" and "All-American rejects" etc. Bands like those. They make it seem like they were having such a blast being completely lost, going to random parties, having drama with their girlfriends, etc. I wish I was going to those kinds of parties with my friends and having that meaningless relationship with me that I thought would be the love of my life but never turned out to be. Yet, everyone I know who is in that situation right now hates their lives and are going nowhere. They go to these parties, have these relationships, but work retail and fast food and aren't going to college or going anywhere in life. So that makes me proud that I achieved and made it. They did not. Even the people I know now who are my age and lived that kind of life in their young 20s haven't grown up yet. They are the annoying ones at work who are full of drama that everyone hates to work with. They eventually get fired. Nobody likes them. I have no complaints now that I think about it a little more. I made something of myself and want to have more fun, but I'm proud of myself. I haven't really done any hobbies in 7 weeks. I haven't taken any online classes, no website development, no writing, no drawing, no podcasts, nothing. I have rock climbed twice as well. I'm in a little bit of a funk and want to work out of it.

Glad the improv went well and things are moving forward. Sometimes the stress builds up, but then it goes away and our good habits and goals get us moving again. Keep it up.

Don't worry about it. That longing for socialization you feel is important. Don't be let down by the "let down". Sounds silly, but it should fuel you to socialize more and let you know that sometimes it can make you feel better.

Nice! I love bouldering. I had to skip this week but I'm gonna try going on Sunday. I usually do v0 to v3

The apartment managment found out what was causing the vibrations!! This fucking retard in the unit below me owns a massive water vibration furniture piece the size of a couch and that fills with water and vibrates all night long because the owner sleeps in it. Only my unit has complained about the vibration out of 700 units. And I didn't feel it for weeks. I KNEW I WASN'T FUCKING CRAZY. YESSSSS. WHAT A TURN OF FUCKING EVENTS. I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 2 WEEKS FOR MORE THAN 3 HOURS A DAY. FUCK IGNORANT PEOPLE WHO DON'T WORRY ABOUT DISTURBING OTHERS. EAT SHIT. AND THANK YOU TO MY APARTMENT MANAGMENT.

Lol my tire blew out on the way to work and I almost lost control of the car. I'm lucky I'm alive, but I'm just laughing at my day and past few years overall.

I hate my apartment. I can feel the heating and cooling system vibrating my floors at all times. It's making me motion sick and I can't sleep. The lack of sleep is causing more sensitivity to the vibration. The stress is making it worse. I can't stand it. It lasted for 1 week in July and went away and now it's back for 2 weeks. This means the people below me are blasting their heat and it's not cold out yet. I hate how I can't ever find a place to live. It's terrible. I went through all of the terrible living issues with my old roommates and my mom and now this again. I contacted apartment managment and if it doesn't get solved I'm gonna talk to the people myself who live below me. Oh and on top of this my ceilings are 20 feet lofts and my smoke detector is beeping lololololol FUCK THIS SHIT. Nothing ever works out for me I swear. Nothing.

Today was difficult. I had to confront both of my parents individually regarding their treatment of me. I held strong and logically explained why they had hurt mt feelings in the instances that occurred this week. After some repetition I finally explained it thoroughly enough to get my point across and proved it to both parents without any issue. Both events ended amicably. I'm very proud of myself. One issue I have is ther inability to relax recently. I can feel it in my head even. You know that feeling of mental release you get in your temples and above your forehead when you relax and you feel like your face is melting in relaxation? I'm ther opposite here. My whole head is so tense with stress and I can't let go. I'm leaning so heavily on porn that it's hurting me. It's just the physical and mental release I'm craving. It's really annoying me. I really hope I can get to a good place where my body feels better again. I'm pent up, stressed out, my body is tight, my muscles are weak, my confidence and self esteem is low outside of work, and I just feel the tension everywhere. I started my Fitbit group for exercising again and want to change my habits. If any of you want to track your exercise with me just let me know.

Thank you. I think today was better. I want to maintain a certain schedule and I think breakfast is a strange motivator for me to wake up since it's my favorite meal of the day.

I think the fact that you've stayed away from games is a testament to your growth as a human and you should be very proud of yourself. This is a huge development when you compare yourself to when you were trying to quit for the first time. I focused on quitting games, social media, and then browsing the internet, but can't quit porn at the moment. It's tough to manage the incognito things. Work will get better hopefully and if not you've got lots of power to change. When you feel like you're going nowhere just remember your progress and take time to gather yourself.

Sometimes we just gotta observe ourselves in these patterns and understand our bodies. Maybe it's just not the time to get these difficult tasks done fully and you can do some subtle things to prepare for when you are ready to get them done. You're doing great though so keep it up and be patient.

I'm sorry to hear about today and your partner not supporting you the way you need and deserve. I am very proud of you for staying strong today. It takes a lot of awareness and discipline to exercise and remain in control instead of giving up and playing games. Games won't ever solve your problem or make your situation better. You proved that you're a difference maker today and you should be very proud of yourself.

No, I was recommended by Cam to read it, but I had too much going on and felt it would just overwhelm me with self improvement stuff. I don't really read those kinds of books because of it. I was just curious is all. Glad you liked it.

Just an update on today. I feel a lot better. I stuck with my routine and go through the day. I also created a small gym routine. I think going 5 days per week is going to be too ambitious for me so I'm going to just be more active during the week and also going to the gym 2-3 times per week. My goals are simple with the gym: Get out of the house and into an environment where others are also exercising Relieve stress in a healthier way Potentially make some new acquaintances/friends in a social aspect Try to get more energy Try to lose some weight and gain muscle Try to aid my posture Try to gain some more self confidence outside of the workplace environment Get better sleep Be more patient with the gym and not expect crazy results or treat it like work. I just want it to be another part of my weekly routine I also got a fitbit and the fitbit app on my phone so I'd like to keep that going. I set my daily step goal to 5,000. I think 10,000 is really ambitious for an office worker so that's not happening. If anyone wants to join me feel free to let me know. I think progress can be made in numbers.

Just keep following your routine when you get a loss for motivation. It keeps you honest and keeps you going. You got this.

That's awesome. It's really nice participating in a community with someone who can influence you like that. Which language is your native language btw?

That's very true and I really try to apply this sometimes. I don't know if that's a partial negative where "I really try" and "sometimes", but at the moment it's factual in a way. I read a quote from one of my favorite hockey players the other night which said "When you have no motivation, turn to your discipline and routine for strength". It's true. I made 3 meals today, went shopping and cleaned my apartment like every Saturday, kept good hygiene, and spoke to a friend or two. It got me in a better mood, out of my apartment, and performing tasks for myself. It got me through my depressing thoughts and I stopped thinking about wishing for a girlfriend, better hobbies, or better life. I was able to just enjoy the moment and stop being anxious. I had some tea, sat down, watched a comedy show, and took in the sights of my downtown from my apartment window. It's so hard to not go through life without ambitious/unattainable goal setting. I think video games got me in that thought process - specifically RuneScape. You start planning out how to get all the 99 stats, etc. It is so lofty. That's a 3 year goal for a gamer addict and a 1.5 year goal for a severe addict. Even a 5-7 year goal for a casual gamer. I feel like we all do that with hobbies. Sometimes it's just important to relax and enjoy the day and process. That's why I won't fall back into gaming. I know it just leads to more pain. Even if my day is painful, gaming would just lead to more pain because it would make me feel ashamed of myself on top of other pain. I'm thankful I don't crave games any longer, but I don't crave games because of my routines. When my motivation gets low, my routines save me.

Today I'm 53 weeks free of video games. It's been a tough week as I feel the full brunt of depression closing its hands around my mind. I'm a little worried. I woke up at 730 this morning after 9 hours of sleep and just felt no reason to wake up. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I'm not suicidal. I just have nothing to do today. There's nothing fun I'm looking forward to doing again. I've had so many weekends this year where I'm either doing a chore or something for someone else to wake up. There's nothing I'm interested in doing so I just don't care. It makes me feel bad. Video games gave me a fake reason to wake up with excitement. I'd wake up, not hit snooze, get breakfast immediately, and just play for 16 hours straight all happy. I know that's an addiction but I'm struggling to find anything remotely similar. The hockey game is on tonight. That's 3 hours. I gotta get groceries and cook. That's 2 hours. I gotta pick up a suit or some crap. That's 30 minutes. Only the hockey game is fun there. There's no adventure there. No fun. I want to go on a weekend trip with a woman. I want to visit breweries, go fall hiking, discover cool restaurants, have sex, and plan the next adventure. Right now I'm just waking up after trying to sleep an extra 3 hours for no reason. Probably gonna watch porn and go grocery shopping lol. Sweet! I gotta find something soon. Rock climbing is fun but not something I can't live without. I just struggle with casual life. I feel like I need to be working towards something and having to be unhappy about it. I have those classes I bought for art and stuff, but I don't want to wake up and work. I need to get creative and have a fun reason to wake up and do something on the weekends.

One of the best series of conversations I've had with my therapist have been about recognizing negative thinking and letting yourself know it's not ok to think those thoughts. I'd have imaginary arguments with people to feel better, think I'm lonely and miserable, think people are bad, think the world is terrible, etc. I'd catch myself in those thoughts and just try to change my mental environment so I wouldn't fixate on the negatively. It really helped me. Once I stopped fixating I was able to elevate my awareness. I'd recognize my negative thoughts and then have the choice to investigate those thoughts and why they exist or to just change the landscape of my thoughts again and consciously decide to think about something else. I think you're on the right path. My advice would be not to beat yourself up if you do have negative thoughts because everyone has them. I'd just stay patient, observe your thought patterns, and allow yourself time to not think about them. As we try to change our lives we start to notice so many things that we'd like to change and we can burn ourselves out. Keep up the good work and be kind. I see you've been making good progress so keep it up!