BooksandTrees

Your voice is being heard by you and others. Very good.

Welcome back. I feel like nf has been worse for me. If you have any tips I'm all ears. I think it's good you caught yourself now instead of if you were gaming for 10 hours straight. Good luck.

Great job! 2 months is wonderful!

I'm over my cold and I submitted my application for the exam. It was about 150 pages long so I hope it is acceptable. Most of these applications are this long so I feel comfortable. I've been waking up without snoozing recently and want to keep doing this. I'm enjoying the fact that I'm sleeping better. I'm not feeling as lonely this week and feel relieved due to my workload going down. I'm almost done with 3 more projects at work and going to wrap up a lot of stuff soon. Things are starting to come together a bit I hope. I am gonna rock climb tomorrow as well for the first time in 1 month.

I sometimes wonder why we fail with these habits. Sometimes I wonder if they're habits at all. When I used to have stomach issues (right now actually) I would play video games to focus on something else and trick my mind into not thinking about being sick so I'd feel better. I'd also turn to porn and it was such a relief. It worked better than medicine to be honest. Now that I don't have those things it's so difficult for me to deal with sickness and stress. It makes me wonder if quitting these things is even worth it. When we're sick we just want to curl up into a ball and protect our personal space. We don't want anyone in it as we are healing and need to focus deeply on feeling better. The only things welcome in that personal space are objects to take our minds off of our sickness. Internet, porn, video games, youtube, etc. What do I replace this with? Do I bring a tub of modeling clay under the covers with me?? Do I draw?? I'm not gonna read. I need something distracting. I tried drawing tonight but it did nothing. It's so frustrating. It makes me wonder why I try quitting these things at all. I like that I have no brain fog, but that's it. I just have no brain fog. I think I had more fun playing NHL and being number 1 in the world and being comfortable some nights. But these are the few ngihts we have. There's more positve nights than negative nights. We gotta fight through this. I hope you feel better. I think we're both struggling with stomach sickness and work stress together at the same time. We can get through it. Tomorrow is a new day. 10 minutes from now is a new time.

Lol I can't even make it 24 hours without porn. God damn. I think it's because I feel sick tonight. This stress has crushed my immune system and I caught this dumb cold. It's making me nauseous and I'm just frustrated tonight. I'm just relaxing tonight which is nice. I just hope I can go to work tomorrow so I can finish my work.

This happened with my mom getting angry at my food choices when I tried cooking healthy meals

What are Manson's Models? Is it just the collection of his articles you've linked me previously? I don't blame you for deleting OKC and Tinder. I got so frustrated with these apps as you've probably read in my diary. It is very clear that a lot of people use these as a confidence boost to see who's interested in them. I would actually go as far as to say dating apps are the emotional equivalent to porn for women. I think women get more attention than men on the apps due to there being a 70-30 male-to-female ratio on the apps. On porn websites men can get as many women as they want and see whatever style of video they want. For dating apps women can see dozens of men flirt with them and give them attention if they're feeling lonely or want attention. I'm not saying this as a bad thing. I just think it's a similar addiction, but instead of sexual it's emotional. Honestly, it can be sexual for dating apps as well. I think the pornstars suffer by the porn studios and are treated poorly. I think many people on dating apps get used, ignored, played with, and treated poorly on the other end of people emotionally using them. I think they're very similar. Did you find an apartment already?

Thank you! I knew it was going to be a bad wedding and I think it's a good example of the last time I'm gonna do a favor for someone in need that is just over the top. There are some favors that we all do for people, but this one was just so over the top and time consuming that it hindered me big time. I think it's easy for us to try to help others as it's such a key covenant to being a human in today's society (past century or so). It's even more difficult in your situation when you're so involved with a girlfriend or something. I fell into these traps with my ex girlfriends who purposely manipulated me into doing things for them at my expense and it just crushes you. I think at a certain age you need extreme separation from your parents. I don't really believe in having a really in-depth family based off of my experience with my own family. I know there are some families who get along better than others and this does not apply to them. I don't think family is bad. I think many families are bad. In a perfect world I'd probably talk to my parents once or twice a month and never see my family. Since I'm a good listener and very intelligent everyone tries to tell me their problems and not hear mine. It's a perfect example of the clown who needed cheering up. He went to his doctor saying he's depressed and the doctor said he should cheer up by seeing the town clown perform. The clown told the doctor he was the clown. It's a funny little story of people not being much help. It applies everywhere. Even work where only a few people will stick around and do their job the right way. I think our issues with masturbation, porn, and sex are more difficult than video games because we can be entertained by other things in our spare time. We can find ways to replace the need for playing games like social interaction, other hobbies, getting a job, etc. Sex is a need for all humans unless you're asexual. Nobody can refrain from sex and masturbation altogether. I fail to believe anyone can refrain for their whole lives. They crack at some point. Even churches with the sexual abuse issues going on for centuries. It's just difficult to maintain control or healthily maintain urges. People want sex very often. Porn is such an easy way to put zero effort into sex while gaining the maximum amount of visual/sensory experience. So say you might only have 5-10 healthy urges during the week, you might actually get more urges now because you know how easy it is to obtain sexual content from the internet or something. It's quite the battle. I'm going to experiment this week with long term and short term stress issues.

This is a very long post, but I'm also going to save part of it as I think it's a very keystone moment in my life regarding porn addiction. Today I am 56 weeks free from video games. The amount of stress from that wedding, friends, family, work, and my career aspirations has left me chasing porn again. It's frustrating. I haven't had time to even go grocery shopping in the past 3 weeks. I've been eating rice and vegetables at night, oatmeal in the mornings, and some kind of takeout for lunch. Too many people are hounding me. My birthday ran through the middle of this and then people are trying to steal me for their Thanksgivings. I go from having nobody from my family talking to me for 11 months to everyone harassing me to attend their Thanksgiving dinners and tell me their drama. None of them ask how I am doing or what I am doing. It's odd, but predictable. I have to cut my thoughts there because it can be so easy for me to go down a rabbit hole and say all people are selfish monsters who crave attention and don't care about others. Instead, I just recognize the people who do this (my family, some acquaintances, a stranger here or there) and know that I don't want association with them and move on. Before, I'd try to breakdown their thought processes to truly discover the root of their cry for attention and try to make them seem pathetic. That takes time and energy and often leads to anger problems and preconceived notions. That is how hate culture develops. Therapy has taught me how to recognize the development for hate and end it. My soul and heart are much happier and lighter now that I just move on and focus on the good and my own dilemmas first instead of others. This allows me to then help others who need it, like people on this website or the few I choose in real life. Today I'm going grocery shopping and trying to get ingredients for vegan meals. I feel much better when I don't eat meat. I have more energy and do not get tired after meals. I think that might be the one good thing out of not really eating much variety the past few weeks. I'm also going to finish my application for this exam today so I don't have to worry about it next week. I can just finish it, get my references to send their recommendations for me, and move on to other things. I am seeing a handful of friends tonight to have fun and celebrate my birthday a week late. I haven't had fun in weeks aside from watching hockey here or there. That's not going to cut it. I have the mindset to keep trying to progress in life and sometimes the best moments are just being stupid, laughing, eating food, and being with my friends. It's been too long since I was casually with friends. I haven't rock climbed in 2 months and haven't seen these friends in maybe 3 months. Last night I watched a documentary on porn amateurs. There was no sex involved. It was more explaining how amateur porn stars join the industry in hopes for a new life, get abused and mistreated a few times, and then their career ends. The women only get booked for several shows during a 1-3 month period and then have to resort to niche/fetish films for a few months until they aren't used there either. The industry is fixated on trying to introduce more "new" women so viewers don't get bored or tired. People want consistent new women because seeing a new mate increases dopamine levels higher than the same mate. Viewers chase that "high" from the dopamine rush and fall into the same system again and again. This documentary highlighted a few women who started and ended their careers in a few months to show what "the same woman" goes through when she is coveted and when she's ignored by the industry, fans, and viewers. It's sad and helped humanize the industry more. It helped me not watch porn for the first time in 7 days. I can kick this habit. I know I can. The reasons why I'm failing porn addiction rehab: I absolutely love the idea of sex. I've been obsessed with it since I was maybe 5 when I saw my first porn movie. My dad was watching it and I had never felt so good in my life. I'm 29 now and have been watching porn for 24 years or 83% of my entire life. That's insane. Issue is I'm not meeting women in real life to actually have sex. I'm just hiding in my house and watching fake things on the internet alone. The issue with this is that what I just said is pretty disgusting anyways. I should meet a woman for hopes of friendship, love, companionship, or just community in general. Porn has not only taught me to adore meaningless sex, but make me feel too comfortable being alone in my home to watch it. I honestly get anxiety with women on dates after the first few dates because I'm afraid to actually engage in sex. I'm insecure because I haven't had sex in 9 years. I'm afraid they'll think I'm bad at it and ashamed that I'm so lonely and haven't had sex in that time. It makes me feel like an outcast or rejected failure from society. It's ironic because I'm good looking, very popular at work and with friends, and do get attention from women. I just don't let them in because I'm afraid of them seeing me as weak and pathetic when I put on this exterior show of strength, confidence, and self appreciation. The only way I feel better is numbing it through watching porn again. I'm lonely. If you read my posts on here or have received help from me on this website I'm pretty sure you would agree that I'm compassionate, understanding, and emotionally knowledgeable. I care for others and am a great listener. I have a great career, many interesting hobbies, fun interests in life, a funny sense of humor, am good looking, and not an evil person. So why am I single? As mentioned above I am extremely insecure about a woman I develop feelings for understanding that I'm insecure about sex even though I crave it so much and know I'd be good at it again. I was great before and I can do it again. Trust. I don't trust people at all. Both of my parents neglected me and abused me mentally over different periods of my life. So did most of my family except for 1 set of aunt and uncle. But they have moved on from me since the birth of their own child 17 years ago. I used to see them every weekend and it would make up for what my own parents lacked in treating me right. Once that happened I became severely addicted to video games and porn to find emotional comfort. This has lead to abandonment and trust issues. I honestly think any woman I fall in love with, or any friend I get too close with, will leave me and I'll have to start all over again. I've lost multiple best friends in my life. My first best friend got addicted to cocaine and became hospitalized for life, my 2nd and 3rd best friends became alcoholics and burnouts and were never the same, and my most recent best friend from college got a girlfriend and just talks to her and doesn't talk to any of his friends anymore. The only women I've ever dated have tried to really hurt me. They manipulate me, lie to me, use me for sex, and hurt my life trajectory. They have actively shown interest in me and then immediately shown sexual desire with me. Once this happens they hurt me emotionally after and try to make me chase them around. What I mean by this is they'll lie about someone in life hurting them and then when I ask them what happened they don't respond. I then have to keep calling or texting to see if they're ok. I give them much of my emotional attention and stress me out for hours, days, or weeks to help them. This makes me neglect my own duties in life and was hurting my school and work performances. It made my sleep go away because I was constantly worrying about their well-being over mine. Then they approach me with all of their effort to have sex with me and try to seduce me. There was no transition here from sadness to happiness. It went from turmoil to sex. It made me believe the only way to fix a broken relationship is with sex. They just used me to tell me their problems, manipulate me to hurt my feelings if I didn't do everything they'd say, and then use sex to control/reward me. It has made me so afraid to have sex with a woman or even get involved with them. I'm actually crying writing this paragraph. I feel so terrible and hid from this in video games and porn. Why am I such a target for this? I haven't dated in 9 years because I was a target of this 4 straight times. I don't trust women at all. The way I go from depression and sadness in life and use porn to deal with it is a direct result of going from a bad place to a better place by them throwing themselves at me for sex after they abused me and put me in a bad mental place. This makes sense now as I read it back. It's the only mechanism I instinctively know now to make me feel better. I'm tired of putting in effort. I'm tired of trying to make new friends or girlfriends because I think they'll either leave me or hurt me. It prevents me from getting close to people. I'm afraid my family will use me, my friends will leave me, and a girlfriend will abuse me. Porn has been the only safe place for me to have a sexual life without being hurt by others, but in turn has hurt me as well by isolating me and lowering my dopamine levels. Stress Relief I feel there are two kinds of stress in life: long term and immediate. I don't know how to deal with immediate stress. Long term stress: This is the kind of stress that can be cured by eating right, going to the gym, sleeping properly, having a routine schedule, and having hobbies, etc. It's just the wear and tear of life with jobs, people, etc. Having a healthy lifestyle can eliminate this stress from your life or just help you better cope with it. A healthy life can reward you enough on a daily basis to not crave escapism or bad feelings in order to feel better and get a reward. When life gets too overwhelming I subtract these daily activities to make time for urgent commitments. As my daily reward base goes down (not eating 3 meals a day, not sleeping enough, not socializing) I start to crave porn as a pick-me-up to feeling better. This is how long term porn usage of 1-3 times per day starts to develop. Short term stress: This is where I fail. This is the kind of stress where someone does something very cruel to you immediately and you can't get it off of your mind. You're distraught, angry, uncontrolled, and raw in the moment. You deal with it by punching something, yelling, defending yourself, running fast, or going to get ice cream, playing a video game and swearing at people, angry sex, having an alcoholic drink, or watching porn. It's an immediate release of something bad that has happened. I don't know how to deal with this. If I live a happy life I will get stressed and watch porn once or three times a week to deal with this stress. Could I sing in the car? That might hurt my vocal chords. Could I tell jokes and do a comedy style of writing? That's a good idea. Just find a way to take what life has given to me an abstractly draw it in such a skewed and funny perspective that it brings light to the situation while explaining why I feel the way I do. I think now is the time for me to get focused here. I want to keep living my daily life with healthy life styles, but start to heal emotionally from the sexual abuse I received in relationships. Men can be sexually abused by women just as much as women can be sexually abused by men. People are evil, but people can also be good. I want to develop a strategy with my therapist to overcome this abuse and find trust and happiness with other women. Thank you for reading

Many of us experience this emotional abuse and its on us to make sure it does not get repeated. That's what I've really loved about therapy and the lessons learned through it. It brings us together in community and creates warmth where once there was not. You're doing a great job. Just remember to remain grounded when that fog rises. Like I previously mentioned, once you achieve mental clarity in the 30-90 day reprieve from escapism you'll see the world differently and your heart will beat differently. I'm very happy you've found compassion in our community. I hope I've been able to talk and as always if you ever do need to talk feel free to message me as well. I'm also glad you've been able to find friends and security with a therapist. They will be your biggest adult ally for the time being. Dogs are wonderful and emotionally healing, but therapists are trustworthy and emotionally intellectual. My friend goes to and teaches at yoga retreats all across the country to heal others and be healed herself. I think this is a great idea for you and wish you luck as you attend. The biggest thing you mentioned is a career. If you read my posts from January to July you'll notice I go from wanting to leave my job, to leaving my job, to being miserable and without freedom, to getting my job back, to owning my own place, and living the way I want to live surrounded by my friends and thriving in a major career. The empowerment job security provides a person is unequal. Yes, love is powerful and having a family is important. Having a job and the financial security to live life at the pace you need and want to live is unmatched in terms of bringing happiness to your life. I think this is a great idea. I also don't recommend you reading those posts earlier this year since I swear a lot and it's kind of messy. I am 100% open at least lol. I think I documented my journey as honest as possible. I'm very proud of your patience through this. It's going to take some time. I hope you are ok and safe at home.

Thanks, Neil. I'm gonna see what happens after I talk to him next. I feel like he is disrespecting me and it annoys me. I don't like when people bother me when they should know I don't want to talk. I'm direct enough for people to get the hint. I'll let people know I don't like them and end it on the spot.

Thank you so much. I appreciate the kind words. I'm going to talk to him at some point, but I made sure to ignore him yesterday and he got the hint. He won't message me today since he's with his fiance. But tomorrow I will strike and explain he's not respecting me. I want to make a point that I only want to talk on the phone maybe once a week or every two weeks. I don't like talking to people who annoy me. I just cut them out as soon as possible. Life is too short for a disgraceful situation to bog me down. I think I'll be done with my application next week and move forward from there. I'm very excited to develop my career even further. I enjoy what I do although it is difficult. I just enjoy critical thinking and being with intelligent people all day. We'll see what happens!

I'm sorry you do not feel well. I have a feeling this might take a little time and might be a test of your patience. Nausea is such a bad feeling. I had it last month for most of the month and it makes you unable to eat, sleep, or function. Causes anxiety also. I wish you luck and a speedy recovery. I'm very curious what the cause of all of this actually is.

I've been very frustrated lately. Some projects at work lost budget but I still have to work on them. They're taking too long and slowing me down on other projects with actual budget. I'm almost done though. I'm also registering for a huge exam that will make me a professional engineer. People can say they're an engineer, but you're not actually a real engineer until you get a minimum of 4 years experience under a licensed engineer and pass an 8 hour exam or a 16 hour exam. It takes a few weeks to submit the application to take this test and it's due December 1st. I'm stressed about it, but realistically I'm on pace to have it submitted by the end of next week. I told my dad not to message or call me while I'm doing this and he's messaged me every day and even messaged me 10 minutes after telling me he would not. He's a pathetic, lonely, self absorbed asshole. I'm starting to regret giving him another chance. I stopped replying to his messages today. I have told him in text and over the phone multiple times I cannot talk and he just keeps messaging me or calling me every day multiple times. I don't even reply because he just wants a conversation. He can talk to you for 6 hours straight because he loves talking about himself and even gets angry if you don't talk about things in his life. It's getting on my nerves pretty badly. Most people you can say a quick response and they won't try to have a conversation with you because they know you don't want to talk. I can't give a quick response because he keeps messaging me. Lonely people don't bother me. Narcissistic, selfish, lonely people bother me. He even says he can't talk on days when he's busy. It's a world that revolves around him and I'm losing patience fast. The busier I say I am the more he talks. He wants to talk every day for hours and gets mad at me for having hobbies and activities saying I need to relax. Yet he calls and texts everyone all day. He has no life. It pisses me off. I'm not having empathy for him because he abused my mom and me for 30+ years. This is the last chance. I didn't talk to him for 8.5 years and I'm about to break communication after just 5 months.

Lol after what I wrote back in January I can agree.

This is great! It's really special to hear that you're recognizing that when you do something great for yourself it is so much better than drowning ourselves in dopamine injectors. You're doing great. Remember these feelings during your upswing because our moods go up and down so often. Keep it up.

You deserve to be seen and heard. You're a great person who is doing great things. I'm very proud of you for your efforts and discoveries during this journey of yours. I can strongly relate to the parental neglect and mistreatment as I've written in extreme depth in the middle pages of my post about my struggle with overcoming how I was treated by my family. It sent me into such a downward spiral of hatred for myself, them, life, and the potential to be happy. It's just not worth it over time. Everyone faces some sort of adversity in their lives whether it's depression, cancer, death of a loved one, losing a career, etc. Some people face multiple. It's knowing that we can overcome these adverse events that sets us apart from others. You know how I know you can overcome this? Because you've been dealing with it and overcoming it your whole life. You've dealt with the parental issues and now the partner issues. The strength is already there. Now it's just planning how to use it over some strategy sessions with your therapist. Could be a series of small events, a large event, a mix of both, etc. At least now you have that chance to see and hear your children the way you wanted to be seen and heard. It's a powerful ability you now have. I was able to sit down with my parents 1 on 1 to discuss the issues. They didn't think they were issues until I blocked them from my life for years. I didn't talk to my dad for 9 years. He is petrified of losing me now and listens to me unconditionally at all times of the day. It took a few months of me ignoring my mom for her to realize her ways were harmful to me. Then the conversation began and we have slowly began to heal. That's why I will keep mentioning your voice. Your voice will always be heard through some form or another. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. This is fantastic.

This is a long post so I apologize in advance. My intent is not to overstep my boundary. I just want to offer my advice in this critical time for you. Crying is a very healthy and natural form of release and stress relief. It is ok to cry so don't feel bad about it or weak. Sometimes with escapism we try to avoid our distress and sadness and video games can be a great source of escapism. I am sorry you're feeling the pain of your situation on multiple levels. This pain can be so overwhelming at times just because of how much your life revolves around these truths you've been piecing together. Quitting games or any escapism habit starts with a rewarding feeling of self growth. That levels out into normalcy over time and gives us a sense of clarity where we start to gain control of our lives and see the positives and negatives more clearly. This brings about another wave of pain which often sets back people overcoming addiction. You'll see many people on this website only last 20 to 90 days because they will fail at being able to change their lives and face their problems. This is not a knock on them. It's just something I've experienced myself and seen in hundreds of people on this website over the past 2 years. After you cry and have the big wave of emotions it's time to gather yourself. The crying phase initially represents a human stress relief from the amount of pain you're experiencing. This might not be over, but you've hit this phase of recovery. During your self-collection start to take mental notes and write down in a personal diary, not on here if you're not comfortable, and discuss things you feel need to change. Don't try to change them right away. A behavioral therapist would be very beneficial to have during these changes and could provide vital advice and guidance if needed. You'll probably have to develop a strategy to communicate these issues with your partner and parents. If he's abusing you physically and/or mentally and/or you have experienced abuse growing up with your parents I am very sorry. If there are times you don't feel safe just remember you have a voice and liberty to feel and live safely in life. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are the words engraved into the United States for a reason. I'm not assuming anything or trying to push anything either. Just making a general statement in case this is happening so please forgive me. You are so strong and brave. Keep going. You're doing an amazing job.

I also watched American History X tonight for the first time. What a powerful movie. It made me sad about my own anger I've been working on improving. I no longer hate things anymore. I've never been racist or hateful like the main character in the movie, but I have been hate filled towards people who have hurt me. Hate and anger is such a burden. I've really improved on my anger over the past 4 months and it's changed me. I feel so sad sometimes about that anger sometimes. I've learned anger is a coping mechanism for overcoming sadness and pain. I have embraced this to learn about myself and am happy about it.

Today I learned a great lesson in self respect. Somebody really hurt my feelings this year to the point where I was severely depressed. This was not someone in my family. It wasn't necessarily their action that hurt me. It was just the idea that their conceited narcissism was so sinister and surprising that it sickened me to the point of confusion, hatred, and utter disgust. It took me months to get over this. I was shopping at the mall today and saw something at the store that this person was looking to buy for years. I saw it and I even purchased it. It wasn't expensive. It was just a rare find. On the ride home I considered giving this to the person. Then I realized how much pain they'd caused me. How angry I was and how pathetic I'd be to just be getting this person a gift. How could I possibly disregard myself like this? It's because I constantly do little things like this to either make someone else happy in hopes of them making me happy. But in that moment I don't make myself happy, and make someone else happy in hopes of them making me happy. Why would you make someone a meal in hopes they make you a meal when they ruin your food source and leave you nothing? Why not make the food for yourself? That's what I faced. Well that's not what I'm doing anymore. It's decisions like this that will keep making me stronger.

Keep it up. What have you found to be the most relaxing activities for you?

I agree. I'm just going to be patient with it and keep following my own advice. It has worked before and by modifying it it will keep on working. I appreciate the kindness and support!

Thank you!

I really want to watch porn tonight. It's frustrating. I'm handling the urges, but I've been trying to understand why I want to watch it right now. Unfortunately, I think tonight's one of those nights where there really is no reason for the urge. I'm exhausted and just think it would be fun. I'm not sexually aroused though. I'm not feeling any loneliness either. I think I just flat out want to because I usually watch it right before bed and it's something I really look forward to doing. Sadly, it's one of my favorite parts of my day, maybe my favorite. But that's not healthy. I don't want to just force myself to watch porn and pmo because of habits. Yes, women are beautiful. Yes, sex is great. But porn isn't real sex and these aren't real life women. They're real, but not in front of me is what I mean. I don't want arousal only from a computer screen. Humans aren't born for that. You don't see lions or whales drawing pictures of sex lol. We shouldn't either. We're animals. Sex is so powerful that if I can get some sexual satisfaction from online then I'm content to keep doing it. It's going to keep preventing me from love and companionship.