BooksandTrees

Welcome to the forums! Have you written down why you game, what gaming makes you feel like, and why you want to quit gaming at all? Good luck and if you have any questions let me know.

Welcome to the forums. I think you'll find a good community here to not only express yourself and connect with, but also find growth within yourself as you follow this new path. Good luck.

Welcome to the forums! Feel free to read people's diaries and form a safe connection within the community. I wish you luck on your journey. If you have any questions let me know. We've all been at the beginning and it's quite the road to sobriety. There's no finish line. It's just a new life to enjoy once you get into it. Good luck!

Today was good. I didn't have to work all day. I also got a haircut and got about 4 inches of hair removed. It was way too long. I also shaved. I feel like a man again instead of some weird boy even though I'm almost 30. My tooth hurt a bit tonight. I get concerned about it because I don't like the idea of an implant being in my mouth. I definitely won't get another one. It grosses me out and I have to really work hard at taking my mind off of it. I'm worried I'll fixate on it one day. I have to remain strong mentally to avoid it. I don't know why it bothers me. I wanted to do hobbies tonight but I didn't. I'm still tired. I wish I could get to the point where hobbies don't feel like work, but I think it's because of my mindset. I don't really like doing things just because I feel like doing them. I'm so goal oriented. I've done this my whole life. That's why I never got into hiking or walking. It's boring. People just like doing it. I'd want to hike to the top of the mountain because it was a quest and an adventure to solve a mystery or goal. I'd never want to climb it to see the peak. That's boring to me, but exciting to others. I think I'm just different. Some people just like to draw. I would want to draw a graphic novel and write the story etc. I just can't stop at small things. Some people want to just animate a random rig for fun or make a little robot. I'm making pokemon to put into a giant video to make fun of Ash from Pokemon. My current videos have a long term purpose. I am not sure how to evade those thoughts. I don't even like watching one off shows or something. I like them being part of something larger. Life is confusing. Today I'm grateful for my job, my friends, my family, my haircut, and myself for getting a haircut, talking to people important to me, and treating myself better.

It's a huge plus that you get your sleep improved and I think you'll see a major improvement going forward. Have you considered speaking to your doctor about a diet to boost energy as well? Not sure if that'd help.

Just checking in to say I hope you're doing well with your chemotherapy. It must be tough and I'm hoping you're finding strength through multiple sources and remain in good spirit. I am sending you love and happiness in hopes that it makes you have a better day.

Today was nice. I watched cartoons, talked on the phone with 3 friends, meal prepped, and just enjoyed myself in a porn free environment. My cravings only lasted 1 hour. I also practiced some animation. Today I'm grateful for my friends, family, and myself for allowing myself to relax and not beating myself up for not being productive!!

Affirmative.

That's good that you worked out and saw your friend. You're gonna notice some strong pulls to relapse around days 50-60 because you've pushed through those initial waves, saw some success, and then thoughts creep back in. So just make sure you're recognizing it and staying strong and vigilant. You're doing great. I didn't stop craving until 120 days or so.

I always notice my mood gets worse if I don't drink water.

I agree with you. I support equality, but I also know after working 12 hours a day the last thing I want to think or talk about is social injustice and stuff that's out of my control. I'd rather just have an easy conversation with someone who's interested in me and wants to talk about art, tv shows, music, food, or just dumb crap that is funny like a video or something. That's one reason i deleted social media 2 years ago. I think we all need a degree of separation from society and it's really nice to stay in my house and not have to hear, read, or see stuff I don't want to hear after a long day. I feel the same way with exercising. I was very active with rock climbing and I haven't really exercised in 3 months now. I feel so weak and lethargic, especially with the heat and humidity we've had in Mass the past few weeks. Holy shit. I'm gonna start trail walking in the mornings on rail trails before work and stuff just to get the blood flowing and start my day off right. Maybe that's something you could do? There's a nice rail trail near Arlington you could try.

I have relaxed a lot today. I have been having multiple cravings to watch porn today just out of boredom. I don't really want to work hard today. It's very humid in my apartment. Although I got 2 airconditioners with wheels on the bottom, it's been a little frustrating to set one of them up to be movable between two rooms. It's tough because my computer room has no air conditioning now and it's fucking hot. it's terrible. I think it would be best to make a rig to fit both windows easily and just move forward. I might do that now because I don't see myself wanting to 3d model or write under these circumstances.

Glad everything else is going well.

I double posted by accident

Not in person yet. I don't know when I'll feel comfortable doing that yet. I'm still having issues because porn makes me want to find a woman with the perfect body and I'm trying to escape that fake world. The producers of those videos play with the minds and fantasies of men and women trying to create these exaggerated people who don't exist and I'm trying to escape that. I just don't want my distorted image of attraction to ruin something I'm enjoying. Also the virus.

Today I did everything. I did my laundry, set up 2 air conditioners, broke down and recycled both boxes, took out the trash, did the dishes, folded the laundry, meal prepped, cleaned my water container and changed the filter unpacked my remaining boxes, put all 15 of my boxes into storage, paid all of my bills, hosted a hobby meeting with my 2 friends for 2 hours, and then had a 4 hour phone conversation with that girl. I'm exhausted. I almost masturbated twice, but resisted. So I'm 3 days without masturbation. I'm grateful for my friends, this girl, air conditioning, and myself for staying strong and true to my word about getting things done. Now I can relax tomorrow.

Today I'm 87 weeks free from gaming, 89 weeks free from social media, and 2 weeks free from porn. The past week was difficult with over masturbation, but it's in part because I found out how to take my time masturbating and not rush it. I totally lost interest in porn actually because this felt better. I combined meditative techniques with it and it was extremely relaxing for me. Being that this week was so stressful paired with lack of sleep and inability to relax, I found myself seeking out this experience often. Unfortunately it was so potent that it made me feel delirious on Thursday and I just felt sick all day. I started feeling better yesterday, but it didn't matter by then. I think the strategy is to just recognize when I'm exhausted and just problem solve from there. My apartment is hot, I finally got my air conditioners delivered. Now I can install them and keep my place cooler. I got overwhelmed because there was still so much to get done around here and little things kept popping up. I'm so high strung right now because of work, moving, etc, that I can't deal with little things and no organization. I tried scheduling a hobby group with my friends and they keep trying to change the date and time on me and it's just pissing me off. I'm going to spend today taking care of things around my home to clean it up more, unpack totally, keep it cooler, and make it more functional. Then I should be all set with the apartment aside from curtain rods. I then need to finalize some finance things with my old place like closing out the final bills and I should be all set. Then tomorrow I want to start working on my hobbies, meditation, exercising, and relaxing. This is manageable and I can do it.

It depends what you're masturbating or having sex for. If it's stress relief then no, not worth it.

I'm so happy this week is over. Oh man. I'm really stressed out and exhausted but I've made it 2 days without masturbation which is big. I have a feeling tonight might be tough. I don't feel well for some reason and I'm very afraid of nausea. I haven't set up my and it's so hot upstairs in my room and like 15 degrees colder downstairs. I just want to sleep and feel better.

Sounds like you're dealing with those roommates better. Did you guys just up and buy a new home? I believe that girl is toxic based on the fact you tried to leave multiple times. She'll somehow contact you from another email or something. Trust me. I've had stalkers before. It's scary. Just be calm and keep blocking and do not engage if she does.

Thanks for the detailed and deep response. I agree. This cycle just needs to end and I think I'm more likely to succeed with a smaller toolbox of potent healing and assessment strategies than the plethora of individual approaches to my many issues. I'd also like to focus on having a more positive energy. I think this will come from cleaner eating, hydration, continued sleep, exercise, and meditation.

I haven't watched porn in 2 weeks, but I gotta be honest I'm addicted to masturbation just as bad as I am addicted to porn. I can think back to the first time I masturbated. It was when I was 12. I couldn't sleep and I was just curious. Ever since then I'd come home from school and I couldn't wait to do it. There wasn't a single thing in the world that could make me feel better than masturbating. I'd watch tv for a few minutes and get triggered by anime characters on TV and attractive women and I'd sprint away. Afterwards I'd feel lethargy. I wouldn't want to do anything the rest of the night. This was another reason I loved video games. I could just easily, mindlessly play games after masturbation. After I gamed I'd feel exhausted and needed a pick me up or an emotional boost. So I'd end every night with masturbation. By the time I was 14 I was doing it twice a day minimum. If you've been addicted to porn or masturbation or sex you know how exhausting it is. Humans weren't meant to orgasm that often. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. I don't even want to hear it. Fuck off. I used to come home from school and design amazing structures and write stories. I never did it again. I'd do the bare minimum at school, game, masturbate, and repeat. I look back at myself and think of the amazing accomplishments I've made with becoming an engineer after being nearly homeless and coming from nothing. I've overcome a severe gaming addiction, I've built a social network, I live independently, and I personally think I'm the smartest person I've met in a natural way, not book smart. Just my capabilities. I'm so tired of feeling sick from porn and masturbation. I used to masturbate so much as a teen that I'd feel sick and ask to stay home for days at a time. My body was in withdrawal from overstimulating my body and producing the chemicals that orgasms release, which mimic heroin addiction. I've just been repeating the same 1-3 week cycles of masturbating a ton, not doing it, recovering, starting again, repeat. I'm fed up. Just because I quit gaming doesn't mean I'm perfect. I may never be perfect, but I'm far from my best self and it angers me. I masturbated 7 times in the past day and I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. I was so mindless at work. It was embarrassing. I fucked up a video call in front of my boss and I just want to smash everything around me. I'm fucking burnt out. I'm pissed off. I feel like a fucking junkie. My best friend growing up was similar to me. We played legos, watched anime, did stupid shit for jokes, played games, and were inseparable. His parents abused him. When we were 14 he couldn't see me anymore because of a domestic abuse issue in his family. Once I was 16 I could talk to him again. By that point he became a drinker, smoked cigarettes and weed, did cocaine, hallucinogenics, etc. I lost him and a part of me died. I had never seen such a transformation in my life. I tried for 10 years to help him. I'd sit there for hours on the phone trying to convince him to get clean, help give him advice, etc. I lost him in my mid 20s and it is a tragedy. It's interesting because he was so opposite of me. I was so serious, quiet, focused, intense, passionate, and filled with unbelievable scorn and hatred because of my upbringing. To me he was so happy, loud, flamboyant, different, artistic, and creative. I used to talk to him on the phone every night for a minimum of 1 hour from the age of 7 to the age of 14. I'll never forget his phone number. I hate how I couldn't show him what he was doing to himself. I hate that I couldn't help. I tried so hard. Think of the advice I give on this website. I'd talk to him like that for hours each day. I know it's not my fault. The part that aggravates me is I've buried my memories of him in my addictions. I never tried making a best friend again until 24 and even he's gone and just does his own thing because he's a lone wolf now. My other best friend was the former roommate lost to gaming addiction. I don't have a best friend anymore. I have some random friends that are just there. They don't give me the same level of effort that my old best friends did. Maybe I'm expecting too much because nobody ever talks to their friend all day anymore. Maybe I'm the confused one. The point I make is I remember convincing my friends how different they acted under the influence of their addictions. They were just completely different people and I couldn't get them to see it. The problem is they saw it every day. Addicts aren't stupid. Read any of our journals and you can see the pain in everyone's words because they know they're not their true selves and are drowning in shame and regret about failed potentials. We're not dumb, they're not dumb, you're not dumb, and I'm not dumb. I'm so tired of feeling good about myself and then giving in to addiction. I hate that jubilant smile I get. Just hiding from my pains. Only to sit there like a fucking idiot regretting what I did. I don't want to hear people say I'm being too hard on myself either. I'm being blunt, not cruel. It's been 16 years of this masturbation bull shit and it has limited me from meeting women, making friends, pursuing hobbies, chasing dreams, and following through. I don't deal with stress properly and it shows. I'm alone, I'm struggling to do hobbies, I barely get through the day at work even though i do a good job, I don't do chores, I don't sleep consistently, I just keep doing it. What's it going to take? I'm gonna die one day and it just fucking sickens me that I sit there like such an asshole every fucking night, some mornings, and most afternoons just drowning myself in pity, poor attitude, and addictive behavior. On one hand I'm so proud of myself for getting this far. It's bittersweet because I constantly think of the friends I've lost and seen their lives ruined. I also think of myself not reaching my potential. The issue is I need to taper those thoughts as well. This is where I think I'm too hard on myself. I berate myself for not completing my goals. The issue is I'm attacking myself for the wrong reason. I'm beating myself up for not accomplishing my goals, but celebrating myself when I masturbate. It's the wrong attitude and it's sending me the wrong signals. I should be celebrating myself for working on hobbies and safe stress relief methods and berating myself for continuing bad habits. I'm 2 weeks free of porn and I'm gonna stop the masturbation for a while. If I don't then I'm just going to struggle with intimacy issues with women. After sexual abuse from women I see that as another reason for taking safety in porn because women can't hurt me when I'm alone. I'm going to apply the mindfulness approach. When I have a craving I'll break the situation down logically and just change my environment. I've been doing better with sleep the past few weeks, but not eating. I can do this. It's been a tough few years, but every year is tough. I believe in myself because I have hopes of enjoying life.

Not to mention catfishing from all genders etc. Been suckered by someone when I was a gamer addict 15 years ago. It's dangerous.

If the gym girl says no just be calm and continue your workout and treat her the same way as you did before. It's just a question to her and it can't hinder your day. Just keep on regardless of a yes or no.

Gym girl only. I don't think long distance is good.