BooksandTrees

I went to the doctors today for my vertigo and dizziness issue along with pain from masturbation. They did a battery of tests on me, which was appreciated. I failed the vertigo test instantly lol. The very first part of the test I failed. So I was diagnosed with stress induced vertigo. Then they did a psych analysis on me and gave me 2 additional therapists to see. One for sexual addiction and the other for cognitive behavioral therapy due to traumatic abuse and neglect from my family and ex girlfriends. Unreal. So now I have 3 therapists, 2 doctors, and need to refrain from masturbation for at least 1 month. Jesus christ. The issues are basically: My family sucks and abused me for my entire life of 29 years...etc. I mentioned that already. Dealing with their stress and trauma Potentially block communications with certain people Recovering from repressed trauma and not hiding it within games, porn, masturbation, junk food, anger Recovering from girlfriend abuse. Same stuff as above Also trusting new women not to abuse me Work stress Setting limits on amount of time worked per week Not taking responsibility for delegations until I get paid like a project manager Handling normal stress Figure out if I want to take the licensure exam or if I want that responsibility in my life Hobbies Although I have career goals in my hobbies I can't put undue stress on myself I currently try to do too many hobbies at once, make a job out of all of them, and make a career so I can leave engineering. Once I start writing, I feel like I'm falling behind on animation and vice versa and start to yell at myself and freak out. If I have spare time I criticize myself for not working on hobbies to get a new career. If my work isn't amazing I think I'm a failure and get mad at myself because I need it to be amazing to get a new career. I freak out at how difficult things are to learn because I'm rushing the learning curve to get a new career sooner Spare time I can't handle relaxation and exercise. They don't help me get a new career immediately and I think they're wasting my time. I can't relax because it's a waste of my life and I need to make progress Other people I think people are so stupid. I get so stressed out talking to other people. I hate how others put in minimal effort in life and just carry on. I think they're disappointments and utter wastes of life. I hate associating with them. I really hate stupid people. This website has been a test because I've surprisingly been able to help many people and welcome the advice of others. I still find it difficult to give people advice sometimes on this website because I'm impatient. I am trying though. I think that might make me come off as stern or too direct on giving advice so I apologize if I do that. Uncertainty and Anxiety I finished my cartoon show pitch and it's ready to show to Cartoon Network or another network. The issue is I don't have a degree in animation, art, or writing. That means they might not let me be the full producer of the show because, rightfully so, I don't have the experience to handle something on a network. My fear is that I put years of thought into my cartoon and some network takes it, changes it, and I get paid minimally while the network makes millions off of my idea. How much money do you think cartoon network has made off of Adventure Time? or Regular Show? The creators of those shows each have about $2 million. Sure, that's a lot, but I bet you Cartoon Network made well over $200 million from that show, ad revenue, merchandise, and other things. I don't really want that. It's tough. I'd like to speak to somebody in the industry so I'm not wasting time. Maybe I'm over thinking it. This leaves me very uncertain and depressed. If I quit my job again I most certainly can't return to it. They already took me back after 1 month because of my mother being a cunt. I'd have to go to another company to do the same thing and be unhappy again. I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm destined for greatness. I think I'm funnier than anyone I've ever met and I think I'm creative and have purpose. I don't think my purpose is making projects come together. I think it's for motivating others, making people laugh, creating art, expressing myself, and being a leader of a community. I take pride in being the leader. I want to be in charge. I enjoy being the central figure. I become a central figure everywhere I go whether it's a video game, on this forum, at work, sports teams I'm on, hobby groups I run, etc. I'm meant to be a power house of a figure. We'll see what happens. I'm thankful for the community here for your support and friendship.

lol

I just think it's unreal. The women on these apps all play either Overwatch or RuneScape and say it with such confidence and fear of humiliation. Like, I played RuneScape from 2004-2018 and met only a handful of women over the game, some of them fake catfishers, one very attractive almost girlfriend, and that's it. Now on these apps I see at least 5 women a day who are avid gamers. I asked my friend about this on my walk: What if I had ended up dating a gamer? Would I still be a gamer today and not care? Sometimes I feel like I quit gaming because I lacked purpose in life. Like, if I gamed all day and worked all day and then died. On my death bed I'd just be known for engineering and then gaming with people I don't know in real life. What's the point? If I had a girlfriend and children while doing it I might play less and be more responsible, but like, would I care? Would they? I know a lot of people on here are in relationships with gamers and they have different perspectives. It just remains interesting.

Today was kind of null. I did some research on my book and how I'd like to write it. I think I'm going to try writing a test chapter or two. It has two main characters and I was experimenting with points of view. There are three options I am going between. I have both in first person, one in first and one in third with the rest of the people in the story, or both in third person. The reason I don't want to do both in third person is because I want the reader to develop a personal connection with at least one of the characters to make the story more impactful. So I've eliminated that one. I'm interested in making the antagonist a first person at the very least because I want the reader to be emotionally impacted by what the antagonist is doing in the story. I want them to feel a little disturbed by the events. The protagonist I'm torn because he could fit into either situation. I want the protagonist to be solving a mystery about what the antagonist is doing. I want the reader to be horrified about what the antagonist is doing so I think if you had a personal view of what is happening then I think it will be very surprising. Then once it goes back to the protagonist trying to solve something you have this feeling in the back of your mind that the protagonist is in for a world of hell. I'm just unsure whether I make the protagonist's view a first person experience as well. It's a difficult thought because I either want the reader to fall in love with the mystery of the open ocean, similar to how viewers fell in love with Amity Island during Jaws until the shark struck people. In Jaws, you follow Chief Brody, but also follow events in the town and everything else. So I could have the protagonist be in third person with the rest of the crew of the ship they're on. The other argument is you could follow the protagonist and absorb his love for the open ocean and escapism of it all. You experience all of the joy, hardships, dialogue from his point of view and become startled by the events going on. It's going to take some thinking. I know the advice is write a chapter in each perspective, but I think I need to do some more brainstorming first before writing. I'm feeling a little sick today and hope I feel better in the coming days. I experimented with something and it is going exactly how I thought. I don't feel well after masturbation with the meditation. I took 4 days off of it and felt better. I tried it last night and feel bad today just to see if it was masturbation related or stress. It's purely masturbation related. I think I need to take 2-4 weeks away from masturbation and give myself time to heal. This is embarrassing to talk about, but who gives a shit? I'm just being honest. I have an issue and need to stop doing it. I'm feeling better after my argument with my mom earlier. I also think I'm going to discontinue talking with the most recent girl I had a video chat with. She was really boring. I also spent another few hours 3d modeling and am enjoying it a lot. I'm really starting to get more comfortable with it and feeling lots of freedom in life. Today I'm grateful for my computer, food, family, friends, and the community here.

Thanks for the positive comments on my Pidgey. I wrote about 12 paragraphs today about an argument my mom forced on me today, but deleted it. I don't feel it's good to share that publicly. It actually felt good to precisely detail out my emotions in a constructive essay format today, but I think it would draw a lot of questions and comments to me that I don't want to talk about and don't feel others are qualified to ask/suggest. So I deleted it. I do feel better now though and am ready to write my book for about 1 hour today. I'll update you guys with some 3d modeling progress later today as well. I am thinking about maybe making a development log on my YouTube channel. We'll see.

The desert can be a hot, dry, and hopeless place. I'd consider quitting it as well. The beach and suburb life is where it's at. I'm being a pain in the ass. Dessert is one of those things I can't control either. I feel sick and get too much sugar and lethargy. So I just swapped them out with healthy alternatives that I don't want to eat a ton of. I also challenge you to think about why you're thinking about games. Willpower only lasts so long before you start thinking about them again. Be more free-flowing with the thoughts. Why do you crave them right now? Do you miss having an immediate purpose? Do you miss gaining exp? Do you miss competition? Do you feel lonely? What's the emotional reason you miss games? Are you bored? Etc. Think about that and then see how you can remedy your situation by doing a different activity than video games. That way you don't use up all your emotional energy trying to withdraw from thoughts of gaming. Go with the flow and study it. Don't block the flow. The flow is not video game addiction. The flow is your emotional need for video games. Redirect the flow of emotional needs into another hobby or activity so you can stay healthy.

You might be doing certain things that impact your upcoming week. Like you might feel down one week and overcompensate by having a really productive following week only to be burnt out again. I was doing this. I then realized some weeks I'd watch porn 10-15 times and then the next week I'd watch porn 0 times in order to feel better. So it could be a bad habit or just trying to balance your schedule out? Just a suggestion. I could be wrong.

I expressed some interest in learning the drums back in March and I held off because I didn't know where I'd be moving. I was considering learning electronic drums and playing on the weekends or something. I know @Ikar plays them as well so I was curious how difficult it is to pick things up and how to practice effectively.

Thanks. I tried quitting from 2008 to 2018 so it took some time lol. Having a harder time quitting porn, but making big strides there recently.

Welcome to the forums. I think you're in the right place. I am about 88 weeks without games and it's been a major improvement in my life. Take it at your own pace and just do what's best for your health. Good luck

Today was decent. I woke up late again and made breakfast, went for a 2 hour walk, made food, watched TV, had therapy, had my online date, and then sculpted in Blender for about 2 hours. So far this vacation is going well. I spoke with my therapist today about art and hobbies in general. I told him that I felt like doing the 3d sculpting for 3-12 hours per day and I was worried I'd be treating it like video games. We both agreed that I took the vacation to relax and recover from burnout after the past 4 months of work. This is the time to relax. So I am going to stick to my plan of 2-4 hours of 3d art, 1-3 hours of writing, 1-2 hours of exercise, and relaxing the rest. I'm already starting to feel a lot better emotionally. I do have urges to watch porn and game a bit, but I'm past that I think. I just want to recover and feel good. The online date was very boring. I wasn't super attracted to her and I felt like she wasn't interested. She has no hobbies and just works all day and night. I don't find that interesting. I want someone attractive who has hobbies like art, climbing, bike riding, tennis, etc. Someone who cooks, etc. I just didn't find her interesting. I won't worry too much about it and just say it's not gonna happen. I wanted to post a progress picture of a Pidgey I'm sculpting. It's the first thing I've ever sculpted, but I enjoy it much more than polygon hard surface modeling: It is going to be finished by the end of the month and I'm going to animate it to kick sand at people and be annoying. It's going to be one of the minor components to a major video I plan to make later this year. Today I'm grateful for my therapist, apartment, family, friends, and vacation.

I haven't really enjoyed many that I've had so I can't really say you've missed out on much, but who knows what the future holds.

Sucks how that works out usually. Oh well lol. Just keep doing your thing.

Small rant: I keep running into attractive women on the dating app who love video games, but when I was a game addict I never saw them. Fuck that's annoying. Maybe it's some sort of message from a higher power saying gaming is bad for me personally.

Welcome back. I think something I've learned on this journey is the influx of emotions that rise, fall, and stagnate at both positive and negative values for some time. Rise = quitting gaming, Fall = Want to play games, Positive stagnation = good daily habits and can curb cravings as well as find new ways to funnel stress, Negative stagnation = wanting to binge games, but can't so you spend hours on YouTube or something or watch porn, drink, etc. I think for people like us it's important to have a strong tool belt that Batman has. The tools in your belt will cure your addiction, but you don't want so many tools that curing the addiction feels like work. We're already using gaming and other bad habits to escape from responsibilities and stress, so why add more? I've taken the approach of scheduling a minimum of half of my day with a set plan. Days with work I don't crave games because I work 8-12 hours, eat 3 meals, exercise for 1 hour, do a hobby for 1-2 hours, sleep 8 hours, relax for 1-3 hours etc. The day is gone. No cravings. I'm on vacation now and I've always struggled on days off due to burnout from the busy schedule I mentioned earlier. So I spend 8 hours sleeping, 3 hours cooking and eating, 1 hour exercising, 2-4 hours on one hobby, 2-4 hours on another hobby, and give myself 2-4 hours of relaxing. The relaxation part is important because of what I mentioned above with the waves we ride. You mention you're mad about wasting time at 30. I'm also 30 and get angry that I haven't created a successful cartoon and book to bring in money so I can quit my job. My job is why I used to game and watch porn. So I get angry and treat my hobby like a job. That's more of an immediate response to the anger because we're still fixated on the instant gratification. I think the Atomic Habits book might help you. I didn't read it, but I do agree with redirecting queues and cravings for habits towards healthier and more productive activities. Take some time and allow yourself the relaxation so you can have a more level curve of rising and falling. You don't want to be too emotional on this process. The less of a big deal you make quitting games and bad habits the more successful you'll be because you're going to follow the path you've set without expending too much mental energy. The less mental duress on your body and mind will lead to less cravings to deal with stress and the less opportunity for relapsing. Good luck

Today was good. I spent about 5 hours 3d sculpting. This pidgey is coming out really well so far. I'm learning a lot, but I'm also picking it up extremely fast. I think I am a natural at sculpting. I'm really enjoying it. I'm just listening to music and mindlessly making the pidgey come to life. I'll upload some pictures of it eventually. I might start making development logs on YouTube to record my progress and continue to generate viewers. We'll see. I would need to learn screen capture software and stuff so I think I might just keep it simple and make my pidgey for now. If I can finish the model this week I might actually be able to finish my large video earlier than end of January. We'll see. I do have to study after vacation ends. The good news is I'm finding myself being mentally restored from the 3d sculpting. It's so pleasing and enjoyable. I'm really at peace when I do it. I think I'd like to do a weekly development log video series on YouTube with my progress and potentially make a Patreon account with it. I'll experiment with this later this week and see if it stresses me out. I spent the past hour kind of going through my old photos from my past life. I feel like my life is so much smaller now. I just work and sleep and try to do some hobbies. It's hard not to regret or miss things. I miss throwing my cookouts and parties with my friends. I miss getting beers with my friends and trying new flavors of them. A lot of my friends have drinking problems now and gave up drinking. I never had an issue with it fortunately. I also remember playing video games with these friends and just having fun, but unfortunately in this instance I had the video game problem and can no longer live that life. I saw this girl I almost dated who was and still is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. It's depressing. I'll never meet a woman as beautiful as her and it's a tough pill to swallow. Like Charlize Theron. I wasn't good looking enough probably, but my personality and sense of humor got me close. It sucks being alone I must say. I like living alone though. I guess it's just one of those things where I was never happy. I look back at those times thinking I was happy, but I was in grad school, miserable, hated working in the city, trying to change my life, and hiding my depression in video games. I've come a long way. I think we're all missing our friends in the United States right now just because our country hasn't handled the virus pandemic well aside from New York and Massachusetts. I won't live in the past though. It's fun to reminisce, but I was still lonely back then. I am happy that I'm no longer blinded by video games. I'm happy that I've made great improvements with porn addiction recovery. I'm happy that I live in a beautiful home alone and am enjoying the nature setting. I'm happy that I am finally enjoying and working on my creative cartoons after trying to work on them for 5 years and just playing video games instead. I'm happy I've lost all my weight and kept it off. I'm happy I've cut stressful friends out of my life. I think I just miss my former best friends. I also wish they didn't have bad effects from alcohol and I wish i didn't have bad effects from gaming. But these things shape us into who we are today. I'm a better person today and overall I'm happier. I'll find love eventually and I'll find friends again. I'd advocate and say I have better friends now than I did then and a much better career.

Remember that long post I wrote to you a few weeks ago when you thought you were going to blow that opportunity and everything? I'm glad you listened. You're on your way now. I hire people at engineering firms. We don't ask GPAs. We ask more cognitive things and how they interact with others, etc. You saved yourself. Take pride in that and continue the momentum.

Sounds like a good smell. I think that's great you had a keen eye to find it on your walk. Can you plant it where you live?

I always found myself to be independent of liberal and conservative because I want to be my own thinker. Just take your time and learn in college. It's gonna be good. I think you've shown great growth here over the past few months and you're well on your way. You'll meet someone and things will start to fall into place.

I agree. I'm just gonna end the whole thing and set my sights on people I mesh well with but I'm also attracted towards. I am not gonna settle. I want a girlfriend and wife who is sexy and knows how to turn me on. That's so alluring and important to me and I want to be sexy and know how to turn her on in return. I don't want a pity relationship. If I get along with a girl because we have similar hobbies but I don't find her attractive then she's instantly friendzoned for me.

It's not salvageable. I was fat fished. She didn't promise she was skinny or anything so I don't want to accuse her of that, but it was still quite a surprise to me the difference in a photo and person. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I feel bad about this whole situation. This was not typical of a normal dating site. It was more to meet friends and talk to people online and we kind of flirted and started sharing photos after 1 month of talking. So I've technically only known her for 1-2 weeks and I'm just disappointed I guess. I will not be doing that ever again. The only thing I can have with her is friendship at this time. I also don't think it would be fair to say I'd date her if she lost 100 lbs because that's kind of cruel. She'd deserve someone better than me if that was the case. But that's where it stands. I'm not fat shaming for any morons out there either (not you, Ikar, just anyone reading this who gets offended somehow). I'm just stating a fact that I'm not attracted to that body type.

Thank you. I learned a lot in this experience and I think I'm just going to force a video chat within 1 week of talking any time i meet someone online just to rule out disappointments. I'm enjoying my time 3d modeling today.

I feel very lost emotionally and very hopeless. Today is the first day of my vacation and I woke up late after not feeling well last night after being depressed from that girl. I also feel a lot of pressure again. I hate my career so much. It's slavery to be honest. I get paid, sure, but I spend every waking hour talking about work, going to work, doing work, etc. It's so demoralizing. I hate my life. Every day I hate my life more and more. I can't take much more of it. I just want to do something fun. I think I need to get a grip though. I might just be in a bad head space because of my career and finally having a week to myself. I just find I don't want to do anything. I think I'll take a nap and then do some art work or something. I basically just want attention though. I want to perform comedy, make my cartoon, write my stories, get attention, have sex, and relax. I currently get so tired that I don't want to do any of it. It's getting me angry just writing this because I should just be modeling right now. I'll get on it. Fuck this. I just don't want to go back to gaming.

I've decided to say I don't want to pursue anything romantic with this woman. She's a kind person so I don't want to say anything bad. I just think it's very tough when you go into something with high expectations and they change. I'd like to still be friends, but I feel like that'd be ignorant. I usually just stop talking to people I don't want to date because I think it's better for both parties. We'll see what happens. I think I'm just attracted to fit girls and that's it. I'm not rocking a six pack or anything so that can be contradictory perhaps, but I'm also not overweight, I play sports, I rock climb, I'm active, and I don't have much body fat after losing my 30 lbs this year.

The call went well but I don't feel any attraction. I feel bad. But idk what else to really do at the moment. This is extremely disappointing.