BooksandTrees

Thanks. I just think I'm losing my grips. I hate everything. I'm going down a dark and hopeless path.

Deleted. Don't talk about it or quote. This world is a disappointment.

I'm, you guessed it, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnttttttttt ooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttttttttttt. I barely made it through today and left early. I can't focus. I have nothing in me right now. I've worked 60+ hours per week since covid 19 started. All these people talking about free time on their hands. I'm extremely jealous of them. Work has become my life. I can't escape it. It's so miserable. I did not enjoy my life from April to now. This is terrible. I haven't even noticed COVID19 because all I do is wake up, eat, work, sleep, eat, work, eat, watch tv, sleep, and repeat. Every day for months. I'm tired. I can't even work on hobbies. It's utterly impossible for me to work on my cartoon or writing when I just feel so burnt out. I finished 5 projects in the past 2 weeks that I've had lingering and I got put on 2 new ones. I don't want to start them. I don't want to look at work. I'm just fucking tired. This is horrible. I will say I figured out a system to get my air conditioner in my office so I can be cool in here during the summers. It's making me happier and I enjoy this room again. I think it will help me be more productive. I went for a 1 hour walk today with my friend. It felt so good to get outside. I'm so tired from it. It was the first time I've exercised in almost 3 months. I doubt I walked more than 2 miles. I was lightheaded and just felt delirious out there. But it felt right at the same time. If you started exercising for the first time in months you might relate to this tiredness. Just having your body not used to it. I want to sleep but at the same time go out and run. I'm so happy I could do that. I'm gonna nap today and do it again tomorrow. I miss my strength. I can't wait until this fucking vacation. I'm going to just adhere to a life I love and stick to it. I might not write much on other people's posts for a bit. I just don't have the energy lately. I'm spent and have nothing. Today I'm grateful for walking, my friends, air conditioning, food, water, my family, and myself.

I gotta start doing mine again. I think it just became like work because I was tracking so much data lol. I might simplify it. Glad to see you're doing well.

I'm burnt out. This vacation can't come soon enough for me. I haven't told many of my friends or family about my vacation. I don't want anyone bothering me or trying to take up my time. I say this because work takes up all of my time and it's unforgiving. I have a few trail walks planned with certain friends, but I'm keeping it secret otherwise. I really want this vacation to hone in on the life I need to live, not want to live. It's becoming evident that I need to wake up with intention and exercise. I think it's too early for me to do yoga because I don't view yoga in that way. I view yoga in a light of healing, mindfulness, and using it to gather my thoughts, body, and soul on the mat in paying intention towards myself after a long day. Exercise in the morning needs to be thoughtless, vivid, and define a path of energy and life for me to harness and utilize during the day. This might not be shared by others, but for me this makes sense. I have too much pent up frustration inside of me. I want to release my scorn like a volcano bombards its magma onto the world. But you know, in a healthy way. I'll be writing 2-4 hours each day and 3d modeling 2-4 hours each day followed by 2 hours of exercise and 2-4 hours of relaxation. That's going to be tough, but it's what I want to try. I want to build my confidence with animation and writing and try to overcome the approach anxiety I face when beginning to work on tasks. I need to welcome these as outlets for my creativity like the arms of a mother embracing you and encouraging you to share with her. Today I'm grateful for my therapist, my job, my apartment, my food I made, my friends, my family, the community here, and myself for somehow floating along.

Very warm colors indeed! I hope your 3rd treatment went well. Wishing you lots of luck and strength.

Welcome to the forums! I hope you find this community helpful in your recovery. You did a great job outlining your history, triggers, and goals here. Take your time on this journey. This is now your quest for peace, being patient with yourself, and lots of learning. Feel free to reach out for support with many of us and read along with us as well. Good luck.

Good luck with the new job. Moving stinks, but you'll be able to settle in slowly over the next few days. Just stay patient and pace yourself.

Welcome to the forums! Have you written down why you game, what gaming makes you feel like, and why you want to quit gaming at all? Good luck and if you have any questions let me know.

Welcome to the forums. I think you'll find a good community here to not only express yourself and connect with, but also find growth within yourself as you follow this new path. Good luck.

Welcome to the forums! Feel free to read people's diaries and form a safe connection within the community. I wish you luck on your journey. If you have any questions let me know. We've all been at the beginning and it's quite the road to sobriety. There's no finish line. It's just a new life to enjoy once you get into it. Good luck!

Today was good. I didn't have to work all day. I also got a haircut and got about 4 inches of hair removed. It was way too long. I also shaved. I feel like a man again instead of some weird boy even though I'm almost 30. My tooth hurt a bit tonight. I get concerned about it because I don't like the idea of an implant being in my mouth. I definitely won't get another one. It grosses me out and I have to really work hard at taking my mind off of it. I'm worried I'll fixate on it one day. I have to remain strong mentally to avoid it. I don't know why it bothers me. I wanted to do hobbies tonight but I didn't. I'm still tired. I wish I could get to the point where hobbies don't feel like work, but I think it's because of my mindset. I don't really like doing things just because I feel like doing them. I'm so goal oriented. I've done this my whole life. That's why I never got into hiking or walking. It's boring. People just like doing it. I'd want to hike to the top of the mountain because it was a quest and an adventure to solve a mystery or goal. I'd never want to climb it to see the peak. That's boring to me, but exciting to others. I think I'm just different. Some people just like to draw. I would want to draw a graphic novel and write the story etc. I just can't stop at small things. Some people want to just animate a random rig for fun or make a little robot. I'm making pokemon to put into a giant video to make fun of Ash from Pokemon. My current videos have a long term purpose. I am not sure how to evade those thoughts. I don't even like watching one off shows or something. I like them being part of something larger. Life is confusing. Today I'm grateful for my job, my friends, my family, my haircut, and myself for getting a haircut, talking to people important to me, and treating myself better.

It's a huge plus that you get your sleep improved and I think you'll see a major improvement going forward. Have you considered speaking to your doctor about a diet to boost energy as well? Not sure if that'd help.

Just checking in to say I hope you're doing well with your chemotherapy. It must be tough and I'm hoping you're finding strength through multiple sources and remain in good spirit. I am sending you love and happiness in hopes that it makes you have a better day.

Today was nice. I watched cartoons, talked on the phone with 3 friends, meal prepped, and just enjoyed myself in a porn free environment. My cravings only lasted 1 hour. I also practiced some animation. Today I'm grateful for my friends, family, and myself for allowing myself to relax and not beating myself up for not being productive!!

Affirmative.

That's good that you worked out and saw your friend. You're gonna notice some strong pulls to relapse around days 50-60 because you've pushed through those initial waves, saw some success, and then thoughts creep back in. So just make sure you're recognizing it and staying strong and vigilant. You're doing great. I didn't stop craving until 120 days or so.

I always notice my mood gets worse if I don't drink water.

I agree with you. I support equality, but I also know after working 12 hours a day the last thing I want to think or talk about is social injustice and stuff that's out of my control. I'd rather just have an easy conversation with someone who's interested in me and wants to talk about art, tv shows, music, food, or just dumb crap that is funny like a video or something. That's one reason i deleted social media 2 years ago. I think we all need a degree of separation from society and it's really nice to stay in my house and not have to hear, read, or see stuff I don't want to hear after a long day. I feel the same way with exercising. I was very active with rock climbing and I haven't really exercised in 3 months now. I feel so weak and lethargic, especially with the heat and humidity we've had in Mass the past few weeks. Holy shit. I'm gonna start trail walking in the mornings on rail trails before work and stuff just to get the blood flowing and start my day off right. Maybe that's something you could do? There's a nice rail trail near Arlington you could try.

I have relaxed a lot today. I have been having multiple cravings to watch porn today just out of boredom. I don't really want to work hard today. It's very humid in my apartment. Although I got 2 airconditioners with wheels on the bottom, it's been a little frustrating to set one of them up to be movable between two rooms. It's tough because my computer room has no air conditioning now and it's fucking hot. it's terrible. I think it would be best to make a rig to fit both windows easily and just move forward. I might do that now because I don't see myself wanting to 3d model or write under these circumstances.

Glad everything else is going well.

I double posted by accident

Not in person yet. I don't know when I'll feel comfortable doing that yet. I'm still having issues because porn makes me want to find a woman with the perfect body and I'm trying to escape that fake world. The producers of those videos play with the minds and fantasies of men and women trying to create these exaggerated people who don't exist and I'm trying to escape that. I just don't want my distorted image of attraction to ruin something I'm enjoying. Also the virus.

Today I did everything. I did my laundry, set up 2 air conditioners, broke down and recycled both boxes, took out the trash, did the dishes, folded the laundry, meal prepped, cleaned my water container and changed the filter unpacked my remaining boxes, put all 15 of my boxes into storage, paid all of my bills, hosted a hobby meeting with my 2 friends for 2 hours, and then had a 4 hour phone conversation with that girl. I'm exhausted. I almost masturbated twice, but resisted. So I'm 3 days without masturbation. I'm grateful for my friends, this girl, air conditioning, and myself for staying strong and true to my word about getting things done. Now I can relax tomorrow.

Today I'm 87 weeks free from gaming, 89 weeks free from social media, and 2 weeks free from porn. The past week was difficult with over masturbation, but it's in part because I found out how to take my time masturbating and not rush it. I totally lost interest in porn actually because this felt better. I combined meditative techniques with it and it was extremely relaxing for me. Being that this week was so stressful paired with lack of sleep and inability to relax, I found myself seeking out this experience often. Unfortunately it was so potent that it made me feel delirious on Thursday and I just felt sick all day. I started feeling better yesterday, but it didn't matter by then. I think the strategy is to just recognize when I'm exhausted and just problem solve from there. My apartment is hot, I finally got my air conditioners delivered. Now I can install them and keep my place cooler. I got overwhelmed because there was still so much to get done around here and little things kept popping up. I'm so high strung right now because of work, moving, etc, that I can't deal with little things and no organization. I tried scheduling a hobby group with my friends and they keep trying to change the date and time on me and it's just pissing me off. I'm going to spend today taking care of things around my home to clean it up more, unpack totally, keep it cooler, and make it more functional. Then I should be all set with the apartment aside from curtain rods. I then need to finalize some finance things with my old place like closing out the final bills and I should be all set. Then tomorrow I want to start working on my hobbies, meditation, exercising, and relaxing. This is manageable and I can do it.