BooksandTrees

Sounds like a good smell. I think that's great you had a keen eye to find it on your walk. Can you plant it where you live?

I always found myself to be independent of liberal and conservative because I want to be my own thinker. Just take your time and learn in college. It's gonna be good. I think you've shown great growth here over the past few months and you're well on your way. You'll meet someone and things will start to fall into place.

I agree. I'm just gonna end the whole thing and set my sights on people I mesh well with but I'm also attracted towards. I am not gonna settle. I want a girlfriend and wife who is sexy and knows how to turn me on. That's so alluring and important to me and I want to be sexy and know how to turn her on in return. I don't want a pity relationship. If I get along with a girl because we have similar hobbies but I don't find her attractive then she's instantly friendzoned for me.

It's not salvageable. I was fat fished. She didn't promise she was skinny or anything so I don't want to accuse her of that, but it was still quite a surprise to me the difference in a photo and person. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I feel bad about this whole situation. This was not typical of a normal dating site. It was more to meet friends and talk to people online and we kind of flirted and started sharing photos after 1 month of talking. So I've technically only known her for 1-2 weeks and I'm just disappointed I guess. I will not be doing that ever again. The only thing I can have with her is friendship at this time. I also don't think it would be fair to say I'd date her if she lost 100 lbs because that's kind of cruel. She'd deserve someone better than me if that was the case. But that's where it stands. I'm not fat shaming for any morons out there either (not you, Ikar, just anyone reading this who gets offended somehow). I'm just stating a fact that I'm not attracted to that body type.

Thank you. I learned a lot in this experience and I think I'm just going to force a video chat within 1 week of talking any time i meet someone online just to rule out disappointments. I'm enjoying my time 3d modeling today.

I feel very lost emotionally and very hopeless. Today is the first day of my vacation and I woke up late after not feeling well last night after being depressed from that girl. I also feel a lot of pressure again. I hate my career so much. It's slavery to be honest. I get paid, sure, but I spend every waking hour talking about work, going to work, doing work, etc. It's so demoralizing. I hate my life. Every day I hate my life more and more. I can't take much more of it. I just want to do something fun. I think I need to get a grip though. I might just be in a bad head space because of my career and finally having a week to myself. I just find I don't want to do anything. I think I'll take a nap and then do some art work or something. I basically just want attention though. I want to perform comedy, make my cartoon, write my stories, get attention, have sex, and relax. I currently get so tired that I don't want to do any of it. It's getting me angry just writing this because I should just be modeling right now. I'll get on it. Fuck this. I just don't want to go back to gaming.

I've decided to say I don't want to pursue anything romantic with this woman. She's a kind person so I don't want to say anything bad. I just think it's very tough when you go into something with high expectations and they change. I'd like to still be friends, but I feel like that'd be ignorant. I usually just stop talking to people I don't want to date because I think it's better for both parties. We'll see what happens. I think I'm just attracted to fit girls and that's it. I'm not rocking a six pack or anything so that can be contradictory perhaps, but I'm also not overweight, I play sports, I rock climb, I'm active, and I don't have much body fat after losing my 30 lbs this year.

The call went well but I don't feel any attraction. I feel bad. But idk what else to really do at the moment. This is extremely disappointing.

Welcome to the forums. I'm 88 weeks without games and never deleted the account. Deleting them before made me miss it and I felt the ambition to create a new, better account from scratch. So for me it helped to just abandon the account and not give rare items away or something. I just told everyone I quit and left. Good luck.

Oh... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@!!!!!@!!@!!@!!+!!!!+!!@!!!!!! You might find that after a few months it goes down to 9 or something. Didn't you say you did 12 a few times? This could be a slow effect.

Thank you. I'm a little uncertain because I don't know how comfortable a woman would be sharing a life with me and stuff, but I'm not thinking about that anymore. I'm just enjoying 1 day at a time and if multiple days become bad I'll end it. If multiple days are good then I'll extend it.

Thank you! We'll see what happens.

Like...normal chocolate chip pancakes without chocolate chips and with fish instead? Please tell me you did not do this. I might cry. This could impact our friendship lol. The body is sensitive. I wouldn't get upset over this. It's easy to focus on it. I've been injured from having my desk elevated too high or not tying my shoes. It's just about doing things your body appreciates and can do without adhering to something different. Take them as learning experiences.

This can be one of the biggest triggers for relapse since boredom produces stress, which produces anxiety, which produces triggers to game. So stay strong and good job so far.

This is great. Focus on school. It's so important to build your future. It helped transform my life and I'll forever be grateful to myself for the sacrifices I made in my 20s to set my life up in my 30s and onward. I also use this journal to focus on other issues. It's a good community. I think other communities like nofap you're almost invisible. This website is a lot better for interaction. Congrats on 60 days. That's a great step.

This is honestly a good combination to have so I would enjoy it lol. It's good you're accepting this at the moment. This is unfamiliar for game addicts and can often lead to relapse if not accepted. Meow

This is so difficult. It's about finding that comfort in activities you're interested in. I'm recently finding this with trail walking, sculpting, tv shows, reading, and music. I tried combining these because I got bored meditating and wanted to quit porn. People said it would help me quit porn. The issue is it's way stronger and more addictive I found. I did find a good app called insight timer that was good for guided meditation over other trendy apps. Masturbation will likely be difficult even if we found a girlfriend. So be proud of the fact you're limiting it.

Today I'm 88 weeks free from gaming, 90 weeks free from social media, and 3 weeks free from porn and PMO. I can't believe I'm almost 1 month without porn. I find that when I'm bored I sometimes get the urge to scroll through porn sites and just see what the new updates are. But I stop myself and move on to other things. I'm finally on vacation. I'm so happy I can barely describe it. I have 9 straight days off. I spent today fixing the last things in my apartment to make it fully moved in. It was great. I also learned how to 3d sculpt instead of model. I was having a lot of frustrating using Blender to 3d model because there are generally two ways to model. You can do hard surface modeling where you kind of use a mixture of math and critical thinking to create shapes/meshes for your scene. I got frustrated by this because it required too much critical thinking. I normally enjoy critical thinking, but after using AutoCAD all day along with doing intense mathematical calculations for 8-12 hours there's no way I want to do it for more. It makes 3d modeling feel like work and I get burnt out even more. It's not refreshing. Newsflash! There's more than 1 way to model. I can sculpt. So my friend taught me how to 3d sculpt in Blender for 2 hours today and I picked it up extremely fast. You guys, this was amazing. This felt so liberating to me. I didn't have to calculate node coordinates, I didn't have to learn any crazy commands to make things move or anything. All I had to do was click, drag, repeat. It was so mindless to me. I felt free. It was like coloring in a coloring book. If I brought in a reference image and made the virtual clay fit the extents of the reference image it just felt exactly like coloring in a coloring book. I didn't have to think at all. It was so relaxing. I finally felt rejuvenated from a hobby. This is mind blowing for me. I have been telling people "I wish I could just draw in a coloring book after work since it's so relaxing, but it's useless and has no purpose for me. I just feel like I'm wasting time." Now I can just listen to music and sculpt mindlessly after work for a while. This is why I loved RuneScape. I could just sit and click on things mindlessly after work, listen to music, talk to friends, and just relax. I'm not making fun of people who enjoy coloring books either. It's just the way my mind works. I need to be making progress in my hobbies to feel like my life has meaning and it only comes from reaching goals that I'm proud of reaching. I really miss mindlessly gaining exp from getting stats for hours. It's soul calming. This artwork is hopefully going to do that for me. In other news, things are going very well with this woman I'm talking to and I'm so excited to talk to her. We have our first video chat tomorrow so we'll see what happens. I'm trying not to get too mushy with her. We've been talking for almost 1.5 months now. We've had about 4 phone calls in the past 2 weeks and tomorrow will be our first video call. I think things are going well. We have a lot in common and her personality is just amazing. I've felt so much comfort and excitement getting to know her. She gets me and isn't too earthy crunchy, fake, or irritating. I'm pretty decent looking and have good qualities and I will say I just immediately turn women away when they start annoying me. It happens so much. I'm very particular. There are so many things that people do that bother me. My life is so important to me and I'm not going to waste a second of it with someone I dislike. So the fact that we've been talking for almost 2 months is extraordinarily rare in my world. We'll see. I hope something good happens, but I'm not depending on it. There's a difference between being happy to talk to a significant other and being a complete cuck/simp who is just desperate to not be alone and settling with someone out of desperation. We're both talking to each other in our own way without desperation. It's very natural. I'm kind of worried about relapsing with porn. This meditative masturbation method I was using is very time consuming and it leaves me feeling lightheaded and I don't like it. It's way more powerful than normal. I don't want to get addicted to it so I'm cutting it off. I think it would be a worse addiction than porn for me. It is one of the main reasons I'm not watching porn. It feels way better and that's a problem. I shouldn't be turning to sex to deal with emotional problems or boredom. So I'm getting rid of it. I also just dislike how it disorients me. I'm a control freak and I'm not about that.

He's beautiful! I love birds and I've never seen an owl in the wild before! So lucky.

I'm finally on vacation. I got all of my work done early and took the rest of the day off. I went for a 1.5 hour walk but got kind of bored around 1 hour into it. I think I'll keep my walks to an hour. I still find that things are not as fun as video games after over a year and a half of being game free. It's just a struggle I think I'll always have. I remember listening to heroin addicts say nothing in their life ever feels as good as being on heroin, but the pain they felt when crashing from it or the danger they put themselves in to use it daily was the reason it wasn't worth it. I find watching that show intervention to be helpful. Like, I know most of the activities I do in life will never be as fun as playing RuneScape or Overwatch again. I know that. I just never want to go back to the addictive pull of it. I enjoy feeling bored sometimes. I used to get anxiety when feeling bored or tired and force myself to play more games. Now I can appreciate that I'm tired and allow myself to relax. It's much healthier. As for tonight, I'm a little tired. I feel like I should be 3d modeling or something, but I don't want to invest any mental energy into stuff right now. I really would rather play games and watch porn and enjoy my night until 2 or 4 AM. I won't though. I just get upset that I don't want to be creative at night. Like I don't want to write my cartoon, book, or animate my little creations. It just feels like work. The funny thing is I tried giving up before. I originally started writing my cartoon in 2017 and I thought it was too much work so I just played RuneScape and Overwatch instead. But I just kept regretting not working on it. I just don't think anyone wants to do their creative hobbies. It's a chore. I think it's only something you can do a short amount of time each week. I sometimes. I think I'm just burnt out and don't want to do anything I view as hard. I don't have fun with my animation hobby because I feel like I have to learn too much and it stresses me out. I can't get over the fact that I know it's going to take years to learn. I just want to know it all now and not struggle with it. I also don't really want to write. I don't know what I want to do. I'd rather just play sports and play video games and have sex. That's really all I want to do. I don't care about hikes or anything. I feel so lost. This is a very hopeless feeling. I enjoy animation when I actually do it. Just the thought of starting is so miserable that I want to cry almost.

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You're doing great. I'm still proud of you. I'm sorry for your pain and wish I could help. I wanted to share with you a flower I took a picture of. The bees can represent your children and the colors can represent your energy and warmth.

I think I deleted most of my posts in the 30s and 40s pages of my diary lol. I have quite the mouth.

Thank you. I had to delete my post. I'm just frustrated.

I gotta delete this as well. Sorry.