BooksandTrees

I find myself growing an unbelievable level of rage. It's so odd. I had a great day abs yesterday was also great. But I found myself discussing someone I don't like during therapy and now I find myself piercing with anger and wanting to smash something. I'm so frustrated. I think I never released any stress from studying, work, and life over the past month. I am frustrated with most of my friends. Fake and pathetic. Fuck them. These fucks don't give a shit about me. I got invited to 4 weddings next year. None of the brides or grooms to be text me, talk to me, or anything. It makes me sick. They don't understand friendship.

I was frustrated because I've been mentally fatigued and too tired to work on my projects at work. I had a very productive day though and feel much better. I'm now thinking I'm gonna get my project done. I think it was just workplace performance stress and beating myself up.

I keep having anxiety problems or nightmares at night. The dreams aren't scary but they're all situational dreams that I can't control no matter my conversation and I wake up frustrated. I also said something stupid yesterday as a joke and I'm worried it will come back to bite me. I just wish I could keep my mouth shut sometimes because about once per year I do this and it crushes me.

I keep having very intense dreams compared to normal and I wake up with jaw pain. I think I'm clenching at night through the intense dreams.

It took me almost 10 years to fully quit gaming after recognizing it was bad for me personally. Never give up if you feel it's correct to quit. Keep researching yourself and understanding why you relapse. Then apply those lessons again.

Today I'm 106 weeks free from gaming and 108 weeks free from social media. I slept for 16 hours straight last night and feel better. I was just slammed with stress and burnout. I feel so great now. I took a long walk outside, got some food I enjoy, came back, and now relaxing before talking to friends. I'm going to buy my drum set soon. I'm also very happy for @Icandothis for beating cancer. We love you very much here and are so happy for you.

I feel your transformation. I think what we're going through is just such a long term awakening and path to a new direction that we need to be patient and observe how we change along the way. I've noticed a lot of changes and I just feel I continue to evolve into a better, less judgmental person. I hope your path keeps growing as well.

I agree. I just feel that there are times where I meet someone and develop feelings for them and i disregard all of the things I agree with you on and just put them first. I need to maintain that control and composure.

I don't like how I'm desperate for women's attention. It is making me very angry. I sacrifice my needs, responsibilities, thoughts, tasks etc for the chance to talk to a woman I'm interested in. This makes me feel weak and insecure. Bit above all else, it shows I don't respect myself or put myself first. I'm going to be sternly working on this over the next few months because I think it will also improve my porn addiction. I've watched a lot less over the years, but I think you should chase your dreams not for someone else. Why live for someone else? I'm not feeling it. But to conclude with another point, I'm being too hard on myself by not forgiving myself for being manipulated by women in the past. I get angry and call myself pathetic but that solves nothing. It's time to use logic. Men are not emotional thinkers. Use logic.

Don't sweat it. Plans work and then they don't work. I wouldn't let it impact you too long. Weather is getting shitty soon anyways and people are stressed from the virus, election, work, etc.

Probably the first or second week of December. I hope I passed as well, but I am a realist and don't believe I did. That being said, several hundred people have said the same thing and I haven't met anyone who feels like they passed. I'll let you know. Don't expect anything lol.

Congratulations! I'm so proud of you! I knew you'd beat it! This is the best news I've heard in so long. You are such a great person and so kind to others. You didn't deserve cancer at all and you most certainly deserved to beat it! I thought quitting video games was impressive, but cancer is another level or 40. I was so worried about you when you were away for the past few weeks and to read your news today I just can't explain how great it is to hear! I won't ask what's next. Just live for now and be you.

Ah man lol. Might be in the 30s or 40s. I apologize.

I wouldn't set ultimatums if I were you. It's just not a recipe for success. I haven't read your other post if you wrote how you relapsed, but are you studying why you're relapsing? Have you figured out what is triggering cravings? Have you thought about what you're missing in your life that gaming provides?

I'm playing sports this weekend. I don't think I've been physical enough over the past few weeks. I think this will help my burnout.

I mentioned in several dozen pages ago but I know exactly why they did it so I'm ok with it. Thank you.

I find that I'm attracted to very emotionally needy women. Like ones that need to constantly say you love them and are very fragile. It's like I want to care for them more than the average woman and I think it has to do with me being emotionally neglected as a child. I think by me caring for someone it's somehow giving my mind the impression I'm giving love to myself. I don't like it because I think it's going to lead me to being manipulated by emotionally controlling women. In my past, I've dated women who reward me heavily for being ultra affectionate, but if I let off the gas pedal and don't say "I love you" all of the time or am super affectionate then they notice and instead of asking what's wrong with me they will pick a fight so I act emotional again. I think it's also because I want to be told I'm loved and I think if I give this woman a ton of affection she'll in turn give me a ton of affection. Which is never the case.

I don't like my taste in women.

i have had stomach issues all day today. I think that's why i had no energy yesterday

I have had very low energy the past few days. I just don't feel like doing anything. Maybe this exam has exhausted me more than I thought.

I made a bumble account. I'm gonna try.

What are you doing instead?

I'm wondering if I'll fall into that scenario, but I know they don't really scale this exam so we will see. I don't want to build up hope and have it crushed. I've accepted I am retaking it.

I started watching season 4 of Rick and Morty. It's actually very good so far. I was annoyed by season 3. I'm gonna order that drum set this week. I'm also gonna start reading my book again. I'm going to avoid dating apps because I still think it's dangerous due to covid. Another issue I have is I continue to be desperate for love. I find that I still made simp decisions over the past week to do things for a woman who doesn't view me in the same way I view her. I'm tired of it and moving on. I just think people are manipulative.

I watched Borat 2 today. It was fantastic. I'm starting to feel better. I've drank lots of water and rested. I needed this I think.