BooksandTrees

Welcome back! How are you doing? That's really kind of you to say. I know my posts aren't as long as they used to be but I figure I keep trying. I enjoy the community and talking with you all. I'm really glad I can have that kind of influence. That is awesome.

Thanks! I'll post some progress photos this week. I'll be working on them today.

I try not to time my breaks anymore. I started thinking them to build a habit and now I feel like I've got it down. I more just listen to my body. I do art on days where I don't work. I do drums here and there and exercise 3 times a week. I read sometimes and do puzzles other times. But starting off with timers helped.

I have some stuff I made in blender posted on YouTube but none of my new art is anywhere yet lol. I was waiting to post it on there when the cartoon is finished. It's not amazing at all lol. Just silly looking cartoons.

I'm doing a lot better recently. I've made great progress with hobbies and work is going well. I'm excited for the weekend and plan on seeing friends and family as well as finishing some animation pieces.

Thank you very much! I was scared for sure. Hope you're doing well.

Getting my allergy tests performed today to see what I'm allergic to. I'm excited for this. I feel like it will also help with general digestion issues I've had with hidden ingredients. Work is going better. I have direction on all my projects so I feel good. I want to spend a few hours doing animation this weekend. I get too tired after work and just don't really enjoy being on the computer past 5 pm. It really drains me. So I'll animate this weekend and continue working on my rigs. I'll drum after work the next 2 days and do some art. I'm enjoying living with my fiancee. It's a very warm and loving environment. I've never experienced that before.

Thank you! I'm doing much better now. My fiance took great care of me during my recovery and work has been kind. I'm now back to full strength and doing my things again.

How was the performance? I've been learning the drums and love playing music now.

I almost died on Wednesday. I had an anaphylactic response to a bagel I ate within seconds of the first bite. I thought it was heartburn at first because it was burning and severe throat pain. But then it felt more allergy related so I quickly took a benadryl and tums. I went to the hospital and couldn't really move. My body broke out in hives and I started itching. I had no energy at all. I had to take several breaths between words and I was in so much pain in my throat, chest, and stomach. They gave me an iv with allergy medication and steroids and I got better within a few hours. I've had no energy the past few days because of how much stress my body was under but I took the past 2 days off of work to rest. I'm feeling better now. I had no idea I was allergic to seeds inside of a multigrain bagel. I'm getting allergy tested next week. I highly recommend people get tested for allergies and potentially avoid what I went through. The doctors said if I didn't take a benadryl after that first bite my throat would have closed and I might not have made it since you can die within 5 minutes if you're severely allergic. Scary.

Deleted

Glad to hear you found out. I had a similar issue with major depressive disorder and medication helped.

I've finally moved in with my girlfriend! It's been about a week so far and it's great. I really enjoy this space and I feel we have enough degree if separation with work during the day so that when we see each other at night it feels like a normal work day. It feels very wholesome and happy to be together and not have to leave. I was getting sad when I'd return home alone. Work is going well and I've been doing animation stuff on weekends because I'm too tired after work.

I think toxic culture lead to me quitting as well. Not the main reason, but just that people only wanted to game with me because I was good and not my friend. People also take their stress out on others and yell at you and troll.

I ate like crap today and feel bad. Stomach is bothering me big time. I learned an important lesson here.

If the opportunity for money is there someone will always be interested unfortunately.

I still find that I get extremely worked up when I'm being targeted in an argument or something or someone is taking stress out on me. Previously, I'd play video games, watch porn, or eat junk food. Or just sleep and get depressed. I'm catching myself this time though. My manager was being very rude to me on my call. My initial reaction was to want to scream at him and belittle him and make him feel like shit. I withdrew myself and saw he was stressed and panicking so I asked him if he was ok instead. He acted much nicer after that and we were fine. Although it's fine, I needed to unpack my emotions from the call because I had stored them temporarily. As I was letting go of the situation I became blindly angry again. I decided to write about it here to get it out of my system because it's a 1 time thing. I feel better now. I don't like feeling sad and will choose anger instead and it becomes powerful.

I did a lot of animation work this weekend. It felt great. Nothing to show yet but I've been making progress. Almost fully moved in with my girlfriend. She's been wonderful and I'm extremely grateful and fortunate to have her in my life. Work is picking up. It was slow last week. I'm dressing better for work even though I work from home.

Congratulations on this incredible step! I'm so happy for you. You've gained emotional and relationship independence, lifestyle independence with quitting video games and now health independence with surviving cancer. Great job!

Really happy to see your early progress. Keep it up and remember to enjoy the moment.

You've got this.

It's not a lack of talent. Studying is tougher than video games and more exciting. I forced myself to study 300 hours for my exam last October and passed. I failed twice before it. You gotta put in the time to gain experience. I think you need to create a structure to be proficient at studying. You were good at overwatch because you understood the purpose of the game, the strengths and weaknesses of characters, and how to work as a team under a time constraint. If you can do the same thing with your study materials you'll pass. It's topics requiring problem solving under a time constraint. Get creative.

Don't relapse. Remember the pain you've felt from relapse. This takes a long time and although you feel terrible it's still an instantaneous situation in your life and if you can get past these few hours without gaming you'll be ok. Change your mental environment and think about something else by being in an interactive and responsible situation. You're trying to associate being bad at new things with shame and being pathetic and that means you're hiding from something in your past. There's a reason you're elite at overwatch. Research this.

Thanks for sharing your story and reading my journal! I tried to be as open as possible during my journey so far. I hope it helps you. I wrote a longer piece in celebrations called 500 days without gaming that might help you. It was a detailed approach at how I quit. I'm almost 3 years now. I relapsed either on page 2 or 3 of this diary in fall of 2018 but that is it. I used to count the weeks but stopped age 2 or 3 years because I felt like I have a new life that doesn't need counting. I also think that if you relapse and have a ton of time added up and you put too much emphasis on the amount of time, then if you relapse you'll feel you can never get back to that level again when in reality if you relapse for one day out of 30 you're not actually a failure, you stopped for 29 out of 30 days. These are all from learning experience and seeing others on the forum completely give up and never return after quitting for months or years and then relapsed. I think you're setting yourself up for a battle with shame and regret if you do that. A large portion of this journey is self forgiveness and self acceptance. Be your friend. Help yourself. I'm not online as much as I used to be because over the years I've built a friend network, therapy, and have a relationship now. It's all from the progress I've made in this journal. Good luck and be patient.

Finished the week on a strong note at work. I'm doing a trial move in with my girlfriend the next few weeks which is exciting. I also plan on rigging my cartoon characters this weekend. Or maybe just one. That's my only real hobby goal. The rest will be relaxing, errands, and meal prep.