BooksandTrees

Welcome back. I never saw your first post, but I'll follow you now! Looking forward to seeing your journey and goals. It's cool to see you're producing content. I really want to do this in my free time as well to allow myself that feeling of creation. Matt

I don't think we'll ever get 'there' but it's that journey we embark on to get 'there' that matters most to us. Each week might be different for us, but as long as we hold a few core values true to us along this journey then we'll be able to support ourselves and get through the tough times and revel in the great times. Keep up the good work. Matt

I also wanted to share a song that I find motivating due to all the layered thoughts and goals I have in life. This is a YouTube link for anyone curious or paranoid about viruses. Cosmic Flower by Poschek

I guess I don't even like the gym I go to. It's so small. The anxiety feeling associated with the gym is two fold. I want to get out of work and do something amazing immediately after work and have trouble taking a deep breath and just saying "Ok, work is over, now it's time to enjoy life a little." When I get to the gym, I hate my current one. I don't like the machines and don't like how it feels to be there. I get anxious because everyone I know keeps telling me different shit for gym advice. I think what I want to do is just go to a different gym down the street which offers more to me. I'd also like to go at lunch. I just get the feeling to leave the office during the day just out of frustration lol. But maybe after work is best because it lets me clear my mind of any bull shit from the day. I really miss working out because it made me feel so much happier and more confident in my looks and mentality.

Lol thanks for the words. I agree. Giving up longtime friends is just another difficult thing we give up similar to gaming or another bad habit. I don't want to say bad friends or even good friends are bad habits, but when it's a negative impact in your life then it's not worth having around. I'm still meeting new people all of the time and starting to meet more people in real life who art oriented in helping me produce art content and stuff. I'm excited and confident. I have no worries about making new friends and will keep approaching it in a positive way.

I think I'm really getting to the point where I'm disgusted by porn. Each time I watch it I enjoy the search, but feel empty and sick after. I then get depressed and lack any motivation to do anything. I'm thinking porn is making it easier to quit gaming because it gives greater rewards than gaming, but goes away faster as well. I think dopamine production increases as I search for things and get excited about the anticipation of finding something great, but I skip through the videos sometimes because I just want to see certain things that fulfill what I was looking for I guess. It's all stuff unrelated to sex as well. It's strange, but I'm learning a lot.

Ah, ok. I see you now. We've definitely spoken on there then.

Thank you. I couldn't have done it without your incredible support and friendship. I look forward to making more progress and accept myself when I inevitably step backwards rather than lament myself and quit. I agree. I just feel like if I get an urge to eat when I'm not hungry, or watch porn when I'm not sexually aroused, there's something going on that's causing me to want something I'm not doing. So if I'm equipped to handle those situations then I'll be able to combat those thoughts and move forward with my feelings. Sometimes I just want to give up or be sad because I'm unhappy, but if I start getting in the mindset that my free time is celebratory time for myself to live life then I'll start to have the confidence and awareness to be happy and to live the way I want to live. To look forward to the gym or exercising. My goals are to get in shape and feel good. Those are great goals. I also want to be more flexible and have better posture. It's important for us to have goals, but it's more important not to overload the expectations of these goals. Goals are just a smaller word for guidance. I think we just need guidance and direction in our activities in order to get the ball rolling so we can succeed with confidence. Once we are confident, not comfortable with a hobby, but confident then we can create tangible and achievable goals. Say you are confident with your art style, now you can go after new goals of making a new project. Whereas comfortable just means safe and not ambitious and lacking.

I finally finished all the big moving parts and can finally settle into living at home. I'm still unsure about a few things. Do I keep my normal gym membership near work or do I cancel it and get a new one near home? I live 1 hour from work and traffic going to home from work is worse than traffic from work to home. I want to get 3-5 days in the week again without that anxious feeling. I just want to go, do my things, and not stress. I mentioned before a few weeks back how I had issues once I left work regarding hobbies. I couldn't just enjoy the hobby, I just had this terrible feeling after leaving work of disgust, exhaustion, frustration, and wanting to escape. It's hard to turn that around and enjoy life after that. I am working on that now. For some reason I have a difficult time going from sad to happy. I think I'm not alone here, though. It's all the esteem and frame of mind conversation. If I now start doing things for me then that is big. I make the choices to be happy or sad for the most part. I'm now getting back into the 1 hour classes for healing and work related to my projects. I'd still like to get in the routine of recording a podcast on the weekend real quick and posting on Mondays. I'm going to try that this weekend. I also have a few mental reminders in front of me now to stay focused on work. I have a giant calendar with a "Work" schedule. This is for hobbies and passion projects. Although sticking to a schedule can be stressful and lead to poor enjoyment, I think it also can serve as a reminder that my current life schedule is not leading to differences to make me happier outside of work. So sticking to this will be big for a few weeks until I have it in my mind that I can enjoy life. I don't want it to give me the feeling of "Ok, it is 6 PM. You can have fun for 1 hour." I fell into that trap many times, so I want to approach it with the mindset of "Ok, it is 6 PM, try doing some of these activities now that you have free time since you'd otherwise just be gaming, watching TV, YouTube, or doing nothing." If I can get that mindset of learning to enjoy my free time through mentally, physically, and socially stimulating activities, I'll learn to enjoy working hard, enjoy life, and just not feel so down all the time. Hopefully this builds confidence. I also booked a fun vacation with a friend. I haven't vacationed with a friend in 3 years. Before that I had only done it once in my life. I want to see our world more and enjoy life more. Have big things to look forward to doing. One thing that is disappointing me is my urges for porn still linger. It really does remind me of quitting games 4 years ago where I'd play once a week and then get mad at myself. I'm not watching it multiple times per day, each day of the week anymore, which is good, but I still fall into it 1-3 times per week. The good news is that it's starting to sicken me more and more each time. This was the mindset I had with gaming. I'd be sickened by my habits until I realized I was torturing myself and needed to quit. I'm on the right path here. I've had little to no enjoyment and am starting to lament it. I apologize for not quitting immediately, but my pace is strange with this one and I've had to do a lot of concrete learning in order to fully understand why I'm addicted to it before quitting it fully. I just like to understand the full side of things before just quitting it. I came to the full understanding of why games were bad for me when I quit and I've had no qualms about quitting now. I want to do the same for porn so I don't have any reminiscent thoughts or emotional attachments to it. Matt

Nice job on the poetry gig and being there for your friend. How's the quitting porn going? Are you struggling with anything?

I'll also avoid it. I'm going to be 10 weeks free starting on Saturday. I just sometimes see my unopened games and get slightly sad before moving on lol. That's an interesting quote by Sjoti. I think I've changed the base layout of my life, but not the meat and bones portion yet. I still haven't established my real schedule and mindset officially. It has been tough since I've moved recently. What is your discord name btw? You mentioned we spoke on there, but is it still ironfly? Matt

I'm starting to wonder about single player games. I only gamed for social aspects, but also never did anything creative. I have my NES Classic and SUPER NES Classic and haven't touched them. I want to, but I fear I'll just relapse. What a shame.

I knew it! I'm a huge hockey fan.

Hey Wookie, I haven't had time to read your forum, but I saw the name. Are you a Brent Burns fan for the San Jose Sharks?

Nice. I still have the same struggles you do with physical acts of affection when you just want a hug or something lol. I totally understand that neglect feeling as well. This is the time for you to build your emotional network around you and learn what your emotions mean. Study how you've acted and reached out to these women and then see if you notice that you are lacking something else. Maybe at night you just want a hug and comfort before bed to calm you down, or just to have someone appreciate who you are and stuff. It's a really long journey and sometimes you don't even know what you're looking for until you randomly experience it one day. Matt

I'm sorry that you have been stressed out and not at your strongest lately. I have been here so often over the past few months and sometimes it's so hard to see progress being made. There are times where I am in the same frustration you are where I don't want to game, but I feel like I need to do something, but can't. It's because I'm not good enough at the hobby where I need someone else's direction to help me move forward. Gaming can make me feel confident because I don't need direction anymore. It's important to realize this because you need direction to learn proper diet, proper workout routines, drawing, writing, digital art, sculpting, etc. Without direction or purpose for these hobbies we lack the motivation sometimes to keep going and feel sustained. You are such a proud and powerful person that you can do something so well, but need that purpose or else it feels like a waste. This is a good thing. Don't let it hurt your ego. You are incredible. I mentioned this to you outside the forums, but maybe an instagram or deviant art account for your artwork could help you build a network. You can share with your peers, get advice, get compliments, get constructive criticism, and post it. When I posted my podcasts they made me feel so happy and accomplished. This could work for you. I really enjoy seeing your work and would love to keep seeing it. It makes my day better when I see the work you've done and know how much it means to you. You have learned so much recently and are doing a great job. Just remember that your ego, heart, and soul have feelings as well that are unconscious to your brain. If you are nice and caring to yourself and allow yourself some time to not be 100% on drawing then you'll feel better all around. Now is the time to start doing smaller things around the house, out of the house, try new healthy recipes (I go to skinnytaste.com), and other stuff for getting yourself a more balanced routine so you're not always drawing. I am proud of you for getting this far and I know you can keep going. Matt

I think you should read the most recent big post on my thread regarding porn. It might be applicable.

Thank you. I think we all have these issues and it's just important to think about them and see why we submit to our vices.

I'm now over 9 weeks free from quitting video games. I took the next step in my life by moving back home with my mom. Most people would view this as a negative as I've given up my "independence" but this is important for me. I really miss being in a loving home. I really miss having someone to talk to. I felt so isolated in my other apartment because people there just played video games. Nobody ever spoke to me about their day, or hobbies, or life. And certainly nobody really asked me how I was doing. It was just a "hi" or "sup". That doesn't cover it. This goes back into my post from months ago stating I wasn't happy with most of my friends in life because they put no effort into me. My mom is special to me because she's always there for me. I need that right now. I'm vulnerable and spiritually weak I'd say. I feel so tired and just want a damn hug and some attention. I'm tired of being and feeling alone. I'm at the point now where if you want my attention in life, you give me attention first and prove to me you're not a selfish idiot. I'm now on vacation and will be spending this time to heal. I want to build some good habits by sleeping and waking at the right time, and then I want to work on hobbies slowly and get chores done as well. My future is going to change and I want it to change for the good. I'm tired of living my life in a sad way and I'm tired of being surrounded by cheap friends and acquaintances. I've learned a lot over the past few months who my real friends are. I made a big step with Fawn tonight discussing my porn addiction. It seems to me that I turn to porn as a mechanism to simulate love and finding love. Men are programmed to search for a mate, reproduce, and care for their mate in life. Porn takes away most of that. It just lets you "search" for a mate in the search bar, then watch scenes, and then it's over. No love, no romance, no relationship. It's lonely. that's why we get depressed when we watch porn. There's nothing deep about it at all. I found that I had cravings to watch porn when I wasn't sexually aroused or interested at all. This made me realize I just wanted emotion, attention, love, and companionship. When you're lonely and anxious, porn is just that thing that helps simulate something. I'm not ashamed anymore. I just know that is the reason I've been watching. Matt

Sounds good. The path to forgiveness is difficult and long, but important to try and find. It won't work right away, but just remember to always forgive yourself when these thoughts arise about bad habits. I'm glad I could leave a good post for you. Enjoy your time with family because they are the only ones who will love you unconditionally. It's important

Nice. Take some time and see if you can work on something with your mom. I just moved home and I feel so much better. I actually got some sleep last night. Keep narrowing stuff out, but don't eliminate everything from your life either. Just make an outsider approach and stick to the path that is the most broad for you to follow.

I had no idea you played runescape as well. I did for 14 years. Terrible lol

Hi, I think you should read my gaming addiction story. I was addicted to RuneScape and Old School RuneScape for over 14 years and quit finally. I was a clan leader and everything. Gaming addiction story

Every time I go back to gaming (it's been almost 9 weeks now) I just get a more disgusted and disinterested feel for it. I understand your thoughts on the natural disinterest. With the drawing and wondering if it's for you or not, keep working on it and give yourself the mental forgiveness where you allow yourself to not love it all the time. We all loved gaming and there were times where we didn't want to game at all either. It might not be the career for you and it might not even be the hobby you choose to keep in your life (I gave up painting real fast). But it's important in your life right now because it shows you that you can commit yourself to something other than gaming and move forward. The holidays are tough with all the candy going around. Let yourself have some, but keep exercising and eating right. If you avoid sweets for the whole holiday season it will depress you more than if you just cave and have some cookies some days, but not all days - if that makes sense. Don't be embarrassed for missing time or anything. You are such a wonderful person and I know I am happy when I have your support and I know others are as well! Hope your arm is feeling better, Matt

Yeah, it's difficult making new friends because that's also a lot of work. I gave this advice earlier to Phoenix, but I need to realize I'm exhausted and relax. I'm moving home from my toxic living situation, stressed with work, and trying to recover from 3 addictions. It's a lot. I'm on 10 days of vacation now so I'm gonna move, relax, enjoy family, watch my shows, read, exercise, and then slowly work on hobbies towards the end of the week. I'm just glad to be leaving my depressing situation. Matt