BooksandTrees

I think you should read the most recent big post on my thread regarding porn. It might be applicable.

Thank you. I think we all have these issues and it's just important to think about them and see why we submit to our vices.

I'm now over 9 weeks free from quitting video games. I took the next step in my life by moving back home with my mom. Most people would view this as a negative as I've given up my "independence" but this is important for me. I really miss being in a loving home. I really miss having someone to talk to. I felt so isolated in my other apartment because people there just played video games. Nobody ever spoke to me about their day, or hobbies, or life. And certainly nobody really asked me how I was doing. It was just a "hi" or "sup". That doesn't cover it. This goes back into my post from months ago stating I wasn't happy with most of my friends in life because they put no effort into me. My mom is special to me because she's always there for me. I need that right now. I'm vulnerable and spiritually weak I'd say. I feel so tired and just want a damn hug and some attention. I'm tired of being and feeling alone. I'm at the point now where if you want my attention in life, you give me attention first and prove to me you're not a selfish idiot. I'm now on vacation and will be spending this time to heal. I want to build some good habits by sleeping and waking at the right time, and then I want to work on hobbies slowly and get chores done as well. My future is going to change and I want it to change for the good. I'm tired of living my life in a sad way and I'm tired of being surrounded by cheap friends and acquaintances. I've learned a lot over the past few months who my real friends are. I made a big step with Fawn tonight discussing my porn addiction. It seems to me that I turn to porn as a mechanism to simulate love and finding love. Men are programmed to search for a mate, reproduce, and care for their mate in life. Porn takes away most of that. It just lets you "search" for a mate in the search bar, then watch scenes, and then it's over. No love, no romance, no relationship. It's lonely. that's why we get depressed when we watch porn. There's nothing deep about it at all. I found that I had cravings to watch porn when I wasn't sexually aroused or interested at all. This made me realize I just wanted emotion, attention, love, and companionship. When you're lonely and anxious, porn is just that thing that helps simulate something. I'm not ashamed anymore. I just know that is the reason I've been watching. Matt

Sounds good. The path to forgiveness is difficult and long, but important to try and find. It won't work right away, but just remember to always forgive yourself when these thoughts arise about bad habits. I'm glad I could leave a good post for you. Enjoy your time with family because they are the only ones who will love you unconditionally. It's important

Nice. Take some time and see if you can work on something with your mom. I just moved home and I feel so much better. I actually got some sleep last night. Keep narrowing stuff out, but don't eliminate everything from your life either. Just make an outsider approach and stick to the path that is the most broad for you to follow.

I had no idea you played runescape as well. I did for 14 years. Terrible lol

Hi, I think you should read my gaming addiction story. I was addicted to RuneScape and Old School RuneScape for over 14 years and quit finally. I was a clan leader and everything. Gaming addiction story

Every time I go back to gaming (it's been almost 9 weeks now) I just get a more disgusted and disinterested feel for it. I understand your thoughts on the natural disinterest. With the drawing and wondering if it's for you or not, keep working on it and give yourself the mental forgiveness where you allow yourself to not love it all the time. We all loved gaming and there were times where we didn't want to game at all either. It might not be the career for you and it might not even be the hobby you choose to keep in your life (I gave up painting real fast). But it's important in your life right now because it shows you that you can commit yourself to something other than gaming and move forward. The holidays are tough with all the candy going around. Let yourself have some, but keep exercising and eating right. If you avoid sweets for the whole holiday season it will depress you more than if you just cave and have some cookies some days, but not all days - if that makes sense. Don't be embarrassed for missing time or anything. You are such a wonderful person and I know I am happy when I have your support and I know others are as well! Hope your arm is feeling better, Matt

Yeah, it's difficult making new friends because that's also a lot of work. I gave this advice earlier to Phoenix, but I need to realize I'm exhausted and relax. I'm moving home from my toxic living situation, stressed with work, and trying to recover from 3 addictions. It's a lot. I'm on 10 days of vacation now so I'm gonna move, relax, enjoy family, watch my shows, read, exercise, and then slowly work on hobbies towards the end of the week. I'm just glad to be leaving my depressing situation. Matt

It's just a very defeated feeling and it's hard for me to work on myself or hobbies when I feel so sad and trapped.

I'm falling into the same pattern I fell into 2 years ago. I'm really sad each night. I get home late from work, feel sick, roommates are so anti social and personable that I'm just alone. My world has really closed off where I'm living. I'm moving out soon, 2 days to be exact. I got told I probably won't be kept in touch with because my old roommates play games and only really keep in touch with gamers. How sad is that? I feel alone at work a lot of the time and alone at home. Most of my friends make little effort to hang out. The only bright side is a girl I've been talking to outside of work that I met. I really want some happiness. The only happiness I get I binge it. I really just want to go home, get a hug, and heal.

This is too much information to process because of everything going on. It seems to me you're all over the place right now. There's job opportunities, 4-6 different girls, hobbies, conflict with help from your mom, etc. I feel like you're getting so overwhelmed with everything in life that you're turning to something new and diving right into it. Whether it's a girl, a hobby idea, or a job you seem to be diving right in like somehow it is going to rescue you from this situation you're trying to get control of. All of this frustration is making you extremely angry and volatile emotionally (I'm not saying this in a derogatory way) and it's consistently putting you into fluctuations between fight or flight mentality. You either fight someone and get angry, or you flight and fly to a new woman interest, new job interest, or something else like porn, drinking, or gaming. Fight or Flight is your constant mindset because you're wicked stressed out. You need to take a step back here. You said you wanted to do a hobby that required little effort and it's frustrating to you because your other activities require effort and you're tired. You need to simplify this right now. If you edit that sentence, you can just say "you're tired". You need to rest and relax for some time here. Unfortunately, if you're going through a major event in life (job search, relationship search, family issues, healing from addiction) then you can't take on too much. Your body is in shock from change and needs time to adjust. I'd suggest giving up this relationship search. You're all over the place here and most of these girls seem like they're excited to flirt with you and fantasize, but are wasting your time and not giving you romance. If a girl really likes you after strong communication, they will date you. If they're dragging it out and making weird excuses like they want to date you, but can't, then they're playing games with you and just want the attention. You need the attention because you're vulnerable right now. These girls don't need your attention. You're giving them attention in hopes of them giving you attention. This is why you crave your mom's attention. She can provide unconditional love to you and help you when you're down. I'm not sure if you and your parents had a falling out and it's bad, or you're just trying to prove you're strong and can make it on your own, but I think it's obvious that you're craving and in need of unconditional love and support from a small group of close friends or family only. Dating will not help you right now. You need some stability in your life and your body is crying out for you to stop and give it some reprieve. I'm sorry for sounding blunt with you tonight in my response, but based off of the emotions you're feeling right now, I needed to speak in this tone with you. You need direction and guidance. Mine might not be great, but I think you need some guidance instead of trying to pioneer every step of the way for yourself. Humans can talk for a reason. You have a good voice. Get the help you need, be patient, and allow yourself to heal while you're going through the difficulties of a major career change and lifestyle change. Humans can only learn so much at once. That's why I get frustrated. My job is so difficult I can't stop learning. This makes finding hobbies terrible because I'm always learning and it pisses me off and I want to escape it. It takes time and we need to find ways to balance healing, learning, restoration, and pleasure. I'll support you along the way, but you need to put the brakes on and be real with yourself. Matt

I've struggled with this same issue of not watching porn for a week and then going haywire for a few days watching enough to last 2 weeks. Part of the stress with quitting porn is that it's a mental, emotional, and physical outlet. It releases endorphins and dopamine. The issue is that it rewires your brain and is fake. The other issue is that it's not long lasting. The last issue is that you have ingrained into your head that watching porn is bad, so now there's internal conflict over the whole ordeal as well. All three of these combined lead to depression due to lack of fulfillment, improper ways of dealing with stress, and chemical reward imbalance. What I've been doing recently is understanding why I'm turning to porn. I turn to it when I'm stressed and/or emotionally needy. Or just plain old turned on. I'm learning now that if there's an internal conflict I'm stressed out with and want to resort to porn to deal with it, I try to exercise instead. I don't even need to go to the gym. I go for a walk, do pushups, yoga, etc just to engage in an alternate activity that is rewarding to me. Focusing on my form helps me deal with the anxiety I'm struggling with. My other understanding is that if I need to emotionally express myself, I call a friend, organize a hangout, or talk to coworkers and family until I can fully express my feelings. Therapy and this online community also helps. Maybe try something like that and just keeping your mind free, but the most important thing right now is that you forgive yourself and say it's ok that it happened and you're going to focus on the future rather than thinking you're in a bad place, hating life, and miserable. If you dangle the threat of porn and its torment on your life then you're giving it too much emotion. This means you'll just give more thoughts to porn. It's like walking on a tight rope and staring at the ground instead of where you're gonna walk. Try not to make as big of a deal about watching porn and make a bigger deal about achieving a goal or working on something else in life. You got this! Matt

Hobbies: I've been finishing up the self improvement and stress reduction class I bought. I have 2 hours left to watch. It has been a nice class and I'd like to review my notes when I'm done. I'm packing and preparing to move home so I've been doing that with most of my free time. I am watching my sports team and preparing my podcast for when I move into my new home and can work on it. I have guidance for what I need to do for my cartoon and can't wait to work on it. Exercise: I'm going back to the gym on Friday with an appointment with my trainer. If I hate it then I'm just gonna fire her because I haven't been enjoying it with her for the past half year or so.

Today was a long day. I worked for 14 hours to try and finish this project. Jesus christ. I don't really know what else to say. I'm just frustrated and wiped out.

I appreciate it man. I think you and my friend fawn are the people who have really made an impact on me. I think our issues are more of a global issue with our overall daily lives than little things and we turn to escapism to hide from it because we feel trapped. Mine is definitely career related and I think yours has been as well based off or summer conversations. We're going to figure this out. Matt

I'm trying not to get worse, but I am. I start the week off getting in early and doing well and then getting bombarded. I'm already getting to work 2 hours later than I was. Also, if you have a fucking cold, don't go to work. I've never been sneezed on so many times in my life. 4 colds in 1.5 months.

I find myself to be very sad tonight. I feel like I'm not happy. I feel like I haven't been happy in months. I'm strong willed and confident that I'm not leading the life I believe to be true in my heart. I want love. I want happiness. I want to have purpose. I feel like a drone. I feel empty. But I feel hope. I feel strength from inside churning like magma about to erupt from a volcano. I feel the tremors. That seismic activity reigns supreme until my eruption. I promise myself I will find the right path because I want happiness, God dammit. I'm tired of feeling the life being sapped out of me. That's why I played games for years. No more escaping through hiding. I need to reach my dreams and love. I am strong and I am tired of crying. Matt

Hey man, Welcome back and don't be ashamed of what's going on. I've written in here a few times that porn is my biggest crutch and harder to quit than games. For some reason I associate it with a mental and physical craving and really turn to it when I'm stressed, anxious, tired, excited, lazy, etc. It drains my emotions and makes me feel dead inside. I'm having a real difficulty quitting it. It's like that last wall of bad habits I participate in. I think it's good to journal, even if you quit games. It gives you a bit of a reality check when you're being too hard on yourself or not being realistic. It can be so depressing going to work somewhere you know you don't belong, but battling the confusion of not knowing where you belong anyhow. We're so used to instant results from gaming and porn that it's hard to focus on these long term paths. Our bad habits are also escapism. A few of us on this forum really loathe the every day job we do because we know we're doing belong in it. That's part of our path and maybe we'll figure it out. Matt

I completely understand and am in the same boat with that depression. If this opportunity doesn't turn into the right path for you then it's more motivation to chase after something that inspires you to live life more. I'll be doing the same.

I had a really good conversation with @fawn_xoxo yesterday and it helped me calm down and refocus a bit. She's been a really important person along my journey towards gaming addiction recovery because she listens very well and also challenges me to keep moving forward. I appreciate her attention to detail and commitment to me as a friend even though we have never met. She is someone I'm very thankful to have met in this community. I decided to wake up earlier today and just make sure I could get to work focused and ready to go. I was the first one in the office, got all of my stuff done, and was ready to go, but had to stay 3 hours late to work on other stuff. Previously, this would have infuriated me and I would go to bed tonight late, wake up the next day late in anger, and repeat the pattern. no I will wake up early tomorrow and get to work first and do my thing. I was still furious today about having to work late, but I'm going to keep the right attitude and stick with the plan. I think my conversation with Fawn helped me get a bit of a reality check with a few things and my expectations about myself. Tonight, I still made dinner after complaining and now I can watch my hockey game before bed. I'll also read. I think I had this misconception about reading where I should just read before bed and not at any time for enjoyment. There are times where I want to relax and read at home, but felt like it's not real and I shouldn't do it. I get into these mental frames of mind where I feel like I shouldn't do anything and I become authoritarian in my style of mentality towards my activities. That's not real either. I want to get in this mind set of "ok, I'm not at work anymore. I can now relax. This is my time to enjoy life now. I don't have to urgently rush into a productive activity. I can take a deep breath and say this is my time." This is important because I get so anxious about getting out of work and spending time the right way, that I get severely stressed and criticize my activities instead of trying something new, smiling, and enjoying life. I'm now just letting the night come and relaxing a bit. Just gotta stick to it. Fawn and I talked about just spending a little time on a hobby and letting it gain some traction instead of going at it 100% like a job. I'm going to try it a bit tonight and try to get even a few minutes of creativity completed. This is good for my past self, who wished I could be creative, my present self, who is unfulfilled, and my future self, who wants to be a creative and balanced person in my free time. Matt

I'm with you!

Great job sticking with the program so far. If you read your posts you have so many good and bad days. Just know that the next day could be a great one. It's good that you found the strength to give your best at the end of a long day. Forgive yourself for not feeling the best and love yourself and prepare for the future. Matt

What are some activities you'll do instead?

Great job! I'm glad you are in an environment where you can let these new skills blossom.