BooksandTrees

I'm really getting sick and tired of people who think they're important and carry around this air about them where they think they're a gift to humanity. I don't know how to ignore it since it doesn't affect me at all. I just tend to fixate on things when I'm frustrated and my mind goes all over the place to generalized hatred. I'm frustrated with my project at work and can't get progress going and it's competing with my mind.

Definitely! I'm his try to pitch it to a network once it's ready. Gonna be several months.

I'm so happy for you. Keep up the great progress and keep checking in when you get the chance! You're doing great.

Thank you. @Catherine17. Today was a great day. I was in my bed for 24 hours straight but I got out at noon today because I scheduled some time with my friends to work on my cartoon. It was an amazing success and I had a great time. We created concept art for the characters of the show, background art ideas, main art style, plot nailed for the first 2 episodes, plots for the last 8 episodes, and ideas on other things. I really love working in a group where we collaborate and create funny, fun, unique concepts. I can tell this is going to be successful and I hope it gets me recognized and give me the validation to one day leave engineering and make a career out of cartoon writing and creation. It was also a good distraction from negative thoughts. It was an 8 hour session of fun, creative thinking in a positive light. I also think I secured my goals for 2019: 1. Create the cartoon 2. Go to the gym for the year 3. Dedicate time and activities to like myself and learn to love myself. Anything else can come after.

I've lived my life not liking myself or wanting to know myself and I just don't see the point anymore. I don't understand what to like. People spend time with me and I get so depressed after because I don't understand why they like me and I don't understand how they are happy. My dad used to brag about himself all of the time and people would be so impressed and tell me how lucky I am to have him as a dad. But at home he'd scream at my mom and me. He'd brainwash us and use fear to control us. It took me 21 years to abandon him because I was so afraid of what would happen to me. I didn't see the point in celebrating myself because people are so stupid that they believe anything they see and aren't skeptical of what is happening behind the scenes. Even the bullies in school had these girls chasing them and i knew how shitty they were outside of school. I even told the girls they were chasing idiots and they blew me off. Then they get their hearts broken. It made me realize most people dating don't have a fucking clue either so I gave up on dating because even if I sold the idea that I was great, they would always be holding back and lying. I always gave out more than I got back. I also dated a dangerous criminal who abused me for a year and I didn't date for 9 years after that. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing that gives me happiness besides laughing and hockey. I find it embarrassing and humiliating to brag about myself or love myself. Any goals I've accomplished came through spite and anger or to compete with others who had no idea I was competing with them. It made me elitist where I made myself know I was better than them, but I hated what I was doing, hated myself, and made myself sick with digestion issues.

I appreciate the post. I wanted to clarify something here. I don't view women as "sex dispensers" and did not write this anywhere. I wrote that I wanted a deep caring and emotional relationship with a lover and a best friend. The word "Chick" does not resonate with "sex dispenser" to me and I don't like being related to a guy who would use a woman for sex when I do not practice one night stands, hire prostitutes, solicit sexual behavior from random women, etc. People in my region of the country say "Chick" pretty often so I'm just not familiar with it being offensive? It's a different variation of the word "Chica" which means girl. I have never really heard this before, but I'll pay attention to it next time I guess. Thanks for the help, though. I do tend to be attracted to a certain personality type or person it seems and am having bad luck. So I will try to work on what I am looking for. I honestly don't know what I am looking for or who. Sleep well.

I'm viewing my issues with life like someone trying to drink ocean water. Feel free to read the whole thing to get my full analogy and why I'm struggling to become a better person. Maybe it relates to you or maybe you'll write that I'm an asshole. Thank you either way! This post sums up my life in a nutshell: Analogy: You are thirsty, you see ocean water because it's plentiful and you crave it so badly. You drink the water and feel worse over time until you suffer and die. How it relates to my issues: (I said "you" and got carried away. Anywhere below where you see "you" I'm referring to "I" or "Me") Gaming: Gaming provides hours and hours of serotonin, dopamine, and fun spells. Nothing matches it. I see the possibilities of fun and happiness so my dopamine pushes me towards it. I play the games for hours and the serotonin floods my body and makes me happy. I then do it too much and drown in it. The more I play, the more I need to play. When a game goes poorly or I can't game, I erupt and freak out. Now nothing I do can give me the same pleasure as that and it's leaving me frustrated. It's like someone forcing you to stop gaming in the middle of a game you're winning against your biggest rival so you can watch them eat shit and sniff people's assholes. That's how much I'd rather be gaming than anything else. Porn: Open a web browser. You crave a rush of a sexual orgasm. You spend a ton of time looking for the best video. You open 15 browsers. You watch the first video, finish, close everything, feel disgusted with yourself, and get angry at yourself for doing it. But you keep going back until you're desensitized completely and don't know what to expect from a real relationship because real stuff takes time. You need to spend time courting that person, becoming their friend, sharing your life with them and they with you. But porn just lets you skip that and go straight to the sex. It's an STD safe version of a one night stand and much cheaper. Sugar and Fatty Foods: You feel empty inside. You are hungry. You are sad. You look at junk food or fast food and it's just what you need in such a hurry. It's an emergency. You're having a bad day. You eat this food. You don't exercise. You get fat and lethargic. You start to hate yourself more. The more you hate yourself the more you need junk food so you keep eating. You now isolate yourself and don't go out in public. Then you're embarrassed. The only thing that helps is eating like shit some more. Healthy food won't satisfy those cravings right away. It takes longer to cook, doesn't taste as good most of the time, or maybe it does and eating is the only way you're feeling full again. Calories are calories, so you eat some more and gain weight regardless of what you eat. Social Media: You're lonely. Your friends are having more fun than you. You want to see your friends and family, go out, travel, do something new, but it takes effort and most people in your life won't make that effort for you or with you - so you probably feel the burden of always doing it yourself or the pressure of making new friends and starting over again. You log into facebook, instagram, twitter, and youtube. You see people making great content online. You see their adventures, their weight loss gains, their gloating about themselves. Why would you gloat? You don't want to be a dickhead. You write a passive aggressive funny status or something. 10-30 people like it. You feel better and forget that you wanted to do something real and tangible. It keeps getting worse because people are seeing that you're funny, don't understand you, and think they don't need to talk to you because you don't reach out to them. I feel like I'm so close to recovery when I use the ocean analogy. I see the water, but drink the wrong water. If I just drank clean and purified water, I'd be fine and healthy. If I apply this to my other issues then I'd also be fine. But there's a catch! What if I don't like myself? Theoretically, here's how that fixes my issues, but with the dilemmas attached: Gaming: I want an activity to do with friends or by myself, or both. I see an endless possibility of hobbies like vlogging, blogging, podcasting, the gym, writing, cartoon producing, yoga, hiking, swimming, fencing, sports, cooking, reading, drawing, painting, sewing, pool, bowling, darts, comedy, rock climbing, etc. Jesus fucking christ, that is too much fucking shit to do and I am a beginner at all of them. This sucks. I spend weeks learning how to do these things and guess what? I don't really enjoy any of them most of the time. I have such a difficult job that takes so much critical thinking all day, every day, that it's fucking debilitating to work on stuff 95% of the time. I have to spend days motivating and day dreaming myself into a mindset where I can try these things. I try most of them and they are a complete let down. It takes too long to be good at them, I don't enjoy them at all flat out, I waste time not enjoying them, I put pressure on myself to make money off of them to give me more money to lead an easier life. That leads me to what the fuck I want in life anyways? Video games gave me goals to achieve. I became a professional gamer on an online game. That took a long time to do. But it was crushing me. I competed for the United States in a few events. I wanted to do that more than anything and I did it. But it was killing me. Nothing in life is giving me that pleasure or drive. It makes me think of the theme song for Pokemon and how we all watched it and wanted to be the best trainers ever and get the best cards, best pokemon in gameboy games, and just battle all the time. Where the fuck do I find this? Where do I get the energy to do this when I feel sapped of energy at the end of work anyways? My job is highly rewarding, but it's so difficult and I'm just tired of fucking learning every day. Sometimes I just want some monotonous bull shit to recuperate a bit. Instead, I work hard, get depressed, and do nothing and repeat until the weekend. FUCK. Porn: I am lonely. I am horny. I am depressed. Oh, porn! No. I realize I need to meet a woman who values who I am, wants to spend time with me, and me with her. We can spend time learning about each other, falling in love, becoming close friends, and start to set goals for a life together after a long time. That's the trajectory we seek in relationships. You have someone who loves you unconditionally, listens to you, wants your advice, seeks your attention, seeks your love, lets you be yourself, challenges you to be your best, and motivates you to strive for a better life. My issue! I hate myself. I think you really need to like yourself to find someone. You can't sell a cheeseburger to people and say it fucking sucks because they are going to avoid it. You want people to crave you. You gotta like yourself, you gotta be flattering to others, funny, smart, have hobbies, and be confident. Most other people looking for relationships don't want to have to fix someone. Most people, men and women, are fucking insecure and want one less person to worry about. If you're a bag of issues, you're not going to find anyone because they don't give a shit to help you in the first place unless they're struggling and it's a mutual effort to get better. So I spend weeks trying to feel more confident and better. I trust that once I like myself I can find someone. I start to find some hobbies I like and stuff to do, healthy eating, etc., and I meet a chick here or there. But she turns out to be a fucking cunt. When she turns out to be a cunt I start to realize I wasted all of this time trying to be a better person. Why did I bother trying to be happy? These people don't give a shit! It makes me completely give up and I just sit there like whelp, that was a fucking waste! BaCk To PoRn!1!1 Sugar and fatty foods: I want to eat well and be healthier. I am hungry and lonely. I decide to prepare food in the morning for dinner. I get home and start cooking. I make a well balanced meal, feel great after without bloating or stomach issues or heartburn. Nice. Oh, it doesn't fucking matter and only lasts for like 2 hours!! Even when I lose this weight I don't seem to give a shit? Chicks don't seem to give a shit either. I get compliments, but ok??? It's just another marketing thing to sell yourself for others to like you. "He's in shape. He must not be a lazy piece of shit" WRONG! I am a lazy piece of shit. I love taking the easy way out, giving up, doing nothing, and being an asshole to myself. I ate healthy for 3 years straight, lost over 50 lbs, and stuff and it honestly doesn't matter to me so far because I haven't learned to like myself. Social media: I want better friends and to do stuff. If I got over my ego of just doing everything on my own in the first place then I'd consistently have friends to do things with, I could choose the friends and activities myself so I was in control of it all and feel better. I'd develop a nice network and just feel better. My friends don't give a shit! Dude, it's garbage! I invite people to do things and I just get the fucking impression that they expect me to ask them to do stuff all of the time so they don't have to do it. Oh my fucking god. Or I get the impression they say "Oh, he's inviting me to hang out, I must be desirable. I'm a special person!!!!" I'm not really seeing the point in me trying to change because I don't like others and I don't like myself. People keep letting me down and once they keep letting me down I start to let myself down until I get angry about it. I'm tired of getting angry about it. Until I learn to like myself I won't like others. If I don't like either, I'm just going to be eating junk food, watching porn, and die alone. Nobody has surprised me yet and every day is just a fucking confirmation that I'm not worth anything to other people because once they hang out with me they laugh, feel better about themselves, and move on until I ask them again. I'm a condom basically. I've taken steps to help myself. I meal prep so I can quickly heat a healthy meal to resist my cravings and enjoy my night. I have organized monthly or weekly meetups with friends each weekend to work on my cartoon and do some fun activities that aren't full hobbies so that I can keep my social health balanced. I printed out a plan for the gym to follow. I downloaded fun and helpful classes to take so I can alleviate the pressure of learning new hobbies from scratch. I've booked plans to travel this year to look forward to life, etc. I just don't know how to deal with bad days at work. My coworkers are fine! They treat me well. I'm popular in the office, I help people, they help me, it's a wonderful environment filled with people who love their work and get inspired and are inspiring. I don't know how to deal with that. I see them happy and I'm not happy. It is killing me. I leave work feeling like such a fucking idiot. I spend all day calling myself an idiot and worrying about tons of things. I put so much pressure on myself that it's exhausting. I'm so tired after work from the worrying and stress about life in general that I can't possibly fucking sit there and say "oh, good, now I can work on other stuff". I'm beat! I just stressed out so much without any release that I instantly crave one of the 4 issues I posted above to give me instant gratification because I spent 8 hours that day not being fulfilled or gratified. I know there is no job or career that is 100% great all of the time, but I'm just hurting myself mentally. Sometimes I love the work, but others I just get so down on myself. Seeing other people happy and not being able to be happy makes me want to cry instantly. I get angry instead because I was told by my dad as a kid not to cry because "faggots cry". So I can't even cope with being sad without it turning to anger anyways. What a fucking mess. I know if I work on my hobbies slowly I can build my skills to one day pursue something, while working my current career to fund it with the good salary I get. I might even learn to love my career if I was more balanced outside of work, had a girlfriend, and a well rounded life. But I'm not seeing it and that's killing me. If you read all of this I commend you. I wouldn't read it. It's too long. But this is everything.

I'm emotionally tired as well and it's just reinforced by failures and people exhausting me. I am struggling to find out how to not be that way. Like finding a natural way to be happy. I know if I play video games again I'm going to give up on life and just be one of those people who plays 20 hours a day and hates everyone. I can't do it. I want to play so badly, but it's not for a quick fix. I just miss those long, 4-16 hour binge sessions of feeling good. Nothing in life is remotely close to that feeling. Nothing legal anyways. That's why I never want to try a drug. I know I'd be hooked.

I don't know what to do anyways. I'm sorry you also feel this way. I hope my feelings can change, but I'm just full of all this hatred for others. It makes me sick when these fucking people around me are happy. It makes me sick how people just want to talk to me and then move on. I'm not important. People just want to talk to me because I listen and then they give me all their problems and shit and move on. I don't have a best friend. None of my friends regularly initiate conversation with me. It's just me. My family is full of retards or they're also mentally ill and can't give what I need emotionally. I can't stop worrying about every step I take hurting someone else or worrying if their steps are hurting others as well. You know what makes me sick? These people at work telling me fucking stories about how they do "rebellious things" to get attention. It's stupid stories where they're getting filmed. "OMG YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT I DID XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD" then they show me them doing shit that bothers people who are doing their jobs. They slide down the bowling lanes, throw bowling balls, yell in public, want attention, piss off security guards and bouncers, just act like mischievous idiots in public and say "OMG AM I A RIOT?? XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD" No. You're stressing me out because I have been the guy who works on those shifts dealing with drunk fucks who are wanting attention. Someone has to deal with your bull shit. I just want mature people around me. And the worst thing about this is that when I say this to them, THEY GET FUCKING ANGRY AND SAY I NEED TO LIVE A LITTLE!!!! How fucking ignorant is that? Just because I'm not a fucking asshole means I need to live? No, you're fucking entitled and have an easy life and get applauded by everyone and everywhere you go. You've never been disciplined at all in life. Fuck off. As someone who's been abused for 20+ years in my past and then had to work those bull shit jobs to fix things entitled people fucked up for us I just understand the pains of life more than you. Me living a little is something I've never had the opportunity to do. I don't know how to enjoy life at all outside of video games. It's struggling to me. Hiking is so boring when you're alone. Hanging out with friends is fun, but I don't appreciate it after I'm done. I just want more fun afterwards and then realize I accomplished nothing when I hung out with friends and feel empty afterwards. None of my hobbies are giving me any pleasure and just feel like more work than pleasure. I don't enjoy the process of anything at all. I'm so empty. I'm fucking lost. I want people to care about me. I initiate conversations, I invite people to do things, I volunteer to help students with engineering and school, I work my ass off and it's all for nothing. I don't feel anything good at the end of the day and nobody reciprocates what I'm giving out. I don't know what I want in life and I'm not enjoying the process of trying to find it. I worked so hard to be remotely happy last weekend and just having that chick fuck with my head just affirmed to me that I'm as much of a fucking loser as I tell myself I am, that people are fucking garbage and it's not worth talking to them, and that making the effort to like myself and be confident in myself was embarrassing, humiliating, and was for no reason because I feel worse now than before. So @info-gatherer, to answer your question properly, I guess I have no hope right now. It could change at some point, but I doubt it.

I am so miserable I just don't get it. I had such a good morning at work and it just made me hate myself so much that I had to leave. I watched porn real fast and then slept for 3 hours. I'm not tired now, but I don't want to do anything. Everything feels so taxing on my mind. These fake headaches are crushing me. It's not there, but when I get so sad about living and having to do things my pain gets so unbearable. I don't really care about anything in life. I want tons of people to hug me and love me. I get attention at work but it leaves me empty. I know most of it if not all of it leaves as I leave the conversation. None of these people are depressed. I want to scream at the people in my life for some reason even though I like them and don't want to hurt their feelings.

It's difficult when life is just so overbearing that it crushes us. I've noticed a lot of us aren't having fun with anything in life. I'm trying to find fun gym routines or things that will make me look forward to stuff. It gets disappointing when everything's a downer. I also don't have the motivation or reason half the time to get out of bed in the morning and it is just a drag. Keep sticking to the gym! I think it's such a boost for people. Be patient and keep exploring yourself. Who did you lose by the way?

Hey, Don't fucking give up. I'm telling you right now you're here for a fucking reason. It's ok to waste your nights sometimes. As game quitters, we feel the pressure to succeed and make progress in things at all hours of the day. We need to do well at work, come home, eat as fast as possible, and play games to progress our characters, story lines, and exp rates. We need to win and feel progress. This isn't real. We're not going to make progress each and every night. That's why gaming made us sick. We exhausted ourselves and didn't heal over time. We kept trying to progress and it took a toll on our body and mind. Quitting games is knowing that some nights are meant to relax. Some nights you are allowed to do nothing. If we want to do something, it's hard to start new things. I really think you should take the time to find a large picture hobby and a few small picture ones. I'm producing a full length cartoon from scratch as my main project. I tried podcasting and didn't like it after a while. I like to read sometimes, but not all the time, I like to cook, I like watching hockey all of the time, I watch a few cartoons, I write a lot, and I try to see friends. This isn't the thing I'll be doing forever, but I'm trying to keep doing new things until I do find those things I love. I still love the gym and yoga, but I haven't had time. I'm determined to stay the course because I know gaming broke my heart and I know it broke yours too. Remember the reasons you came here. Write them down, print them out, and tape it to your wall. Treat yourself like a loved one. If you saw your brother crying alone in his room and you asked why he was sad, and he says "I regret all of these things in my life because I gamed instead of lived. I never gave myself the chance to do these things and I am suffering for x amount of reasons..." What would you say? I know you're hurting right now, but take 30 minutes to relax, go to bed and start again tomorrow. Make a commitment to yourself this weekend to come up with a few long term and short term activities to try and jump into them. Journal about them. Don't go back. Do not go back. Do not give up on that spark inside of you. We are game quitters, not life quitters. Moderation does not work. It will work temporarily and then you'll start to get happier the more you game and you're going to relapse back to where you were and potentially worse. Don't you dare quit. Don't fucking do it.

Today was a better day. I had fun being with friends after work and living a bit. Sometimes I get so anxious at work because I feel like if I'm not working incredibly hard then everyone will stare at me and think I'm a piece of shit or a failure. The funny thing is nobody cares. So many people slack off and aren't productive. It's impossible to be productive all of the time. I think the difficulty of this week has lead to me being exhausted, drained, and anxious. I'm trying to be easier on myself. I also wanted to ask if anyone here has used CBD oil for anxiety and depression? I don't want to try medication for anxiety although it was recommended. I have been researching CBD oil and the proponents who support it laud its results. Most people say their anxiety goes from a 10 to a 4. It's a hemp based oil from the Marijuana plant, but has no THC in it so you can't get high. It does not alter your body that way. It's becoming the number one holistic method of treating anxiety and depression. If I could have a solid 30 minutes without gut wrenching anxiety I'd be happy. Anxiety and worry is making me sick. My heartburn is gone for the most part, but when i get it I don't get burning. I get severe pain in my throat, chest, and jaw. It's like a heart attack almost. My digestion can get out of whack, my depression is caused by it as well. My doctor said I have pretty severe anxiety where I can't stop worrying. I worry all day long about people's feelings, their emotions, how my actions might impact them, how other's actions impact others. I try to control everything and I don't want bad things to happen. Whenever I panic or worry I just feel my midsection writhe with pain and distortion. I really have trouble not worrying. It's going to kill me one day if I can't get a grip on it. I'm trying deep breathing, but it's difficult to deep breathe every 30 minutes or so. It's also embarrassing. When I try to calm my mind it just exhausts me. I want to sleep all of the time when this happens. This is another reason why I miss video games. Instead of worrying I'd just play the game and not think. The catch 22 there is that I get severe heartburn gaming. This means that subconsciously I was worrying and panicking about being the best, controlling the game, and making sure I won each game. This is the effect of competitive gaming and being a professional gamer. I guess now that I'm not lost in a game I'm more aware of the stress I put on my body. I think the CBD oil might be a good starting point for me.

I've struggled with porn as well this week. It's tough. I go back to the gym next week so I'm hoping I can make a better use of getting excited for things and getting energy. I'm sorry to hear about your job situation. I'm not sure what to suggest here other than keep looking for a new job. Did you get a degree? I forget if you mentioned whether you went to college or not.

I agree with @fawn_xoxo. Most of the friends from gaming are like drug addicts or drunks who try to keep people doing the same stuff they did. They make less effort than you do in the friendship, won't understand your gaming addiction struggles, and will even suggest or promote gaming in moderation to keep you there. I ran a discord server of 100 people and had to leave it because they never spoke to me without just talking about the game we used to play. It's their whole life. I do think you have a nice support network here who wouldn't mind casually talking as well, but keep putting yourself out there. It's going to take months, but you will find that group of people who are going to start asking you to hang out whether it's at work, a social group, church, a sport club, the gym, a group workout club, prison (don't suggest this one), etc. Stay strong.

Welcome to the page! I had a feeling I recognized your writing. I'm glad you've started a journal on here. I think it's a good form of support because sometimes the discord can be good for an immediate conversation, but bad for observing longterm goals.

Thank you. I get down on myself sometimes, but I know that each new direction we go in life leads us to more challenges. So I think it's important for me to conquer certain challenges before moving to the next level. Anxiety makes you run up through all of the levels.

Thanks. It's just really stressful and I'm getting upset that I'm not performing as well as I could be at work or with friends, etc.

Also, your gamer friends don't care that you're struggling with gaming. They just want you there so they can be more comfortable gaming and avoiding their problems. Look at them as if you were looking at drug addicts hanging out with other drug addicts or a drunk telling you to hang out with them at the bar. Cut ties with them. They're anchors who will hold you back from succeeding in life.

Hi, I tried quitting last may and lasted until September before I tried moderation. I started showing up late to work, not talking to friends, and eventually played for 12 hours a day again. I wanted to post my story of how that happened here. It's at the bottom of page 2 or near it called coming to grips. Moderation issue Gaming in moderation does not work. I've been free for 15 weeks now and I still have good and bad months, not days, but months of depression etc. I'm still better without gaming. You gotta be honest with yourself and make the commitment. Matt

I'm also struggling with the fact that I'm not enjoying anything I'm really doing in life. There's nothing waking me up inside with joy. I remember building with legos as a kid, playing kickball with friends, lacrosse, action figures, watching cartoons, playing hockey, etc. I honestly think porn started ruining my lust for life. I remember always having extreme sexual fantasies as a kid dating back to when I was 5. Once I learned about porn I just felt like the natural joy to have fun went away. As soon as I could I just wanted to watch and watch. I am trying to quit and just know it's going to take me time to figure out a lifestyle again. I also use porn to deal with anxiety at home. I'd never view it in public because that's disgraceful and disgusting. But the trend you see is I use porn as stress relief and for my main form of fun. I can't help but stress out because it's the same thing I've been complaining about before. Life is hard, work is hard, etc..... I'm practicing anxiety strategies. My doctor said I should practice deep breathing and meditation for when my thoughts frantically consume my mind and I'm freaking out. This anxiety makes me so exhausted that I just want to sleep all of the time. But if I sleep that means I lose my personal life to sleep. I've been averaging 7 to 7.5 hours of sleep every night, but I know the anxiety is causing more than I'm able to recover. I can't help but think of things in life I should be doing and how to do certain things, and what people will think, and that I don't want to always do critical thinking at work, and how I'd love to work 3 days per week, etc. It all starts with managing my thoughts. I put in the work now to manage my thoughts and anxiety. Any time I notice them rising I need to isolate and heal. Next, I need to realize that the hobbies I'm not working on are currently being worked on passively. I'm meeting with cartoonists each weekend to get stuff done. I'm making more progress this month than I have in 2 years. Next, I want to be more committed to the gym. I get so embarrassed if someone looks at me while I'm learning something at the gym. I hated my trainer because she kept making me do difficult things in the open where people can see me. I get so ashamed of myself and anxieties that I just start to yell at myself and hate myself and then hate everyone putting me in situations where I have anxiety. I also get so embarrassed at work because I need to get work done and I don't like how sometimes i can't focus due to bad anxiety. I then get embarrassed and scared when everyone gets their work done and look at me and I'm not done yet. They might not even care about that. I'm just crippling myself with debilitating thoughts and pinning myself down. It's 2pm and I'm just exhausted. I want to go home. Idk.

I understand how you miss the gaming community. It's so strange. It's like leaving a country you lived in. The culture, jokes, stories, people, games, everything. Now you're on your own and it's tough. Stay strong through this process because with the hard work you're putting in you'll be better at finding another few communities that will make you feel whole again.

It makes me embarrassed to be sad and weak again because of how confident I was when I was making a recovery. It's humiliating to be writing here how I'm so fragile mentally when I used to be so strong. I feel pathetic and it makes me feel like I have no credibility. Who would want my advice when I'm just a loser? Like a fat person telling you about weight loss.

Anxiety is terrible and my mind is just depraved of coherent thought. I feel like I'm constantly battling my thoughts and emotions and I'm so tired. Today was rough. It got better because of my coworker. In therapy it was confirmed that I have severe anxiety which causes depression. I just don't want medication. It is making me sick though. My mood is all over the place. I need a hug and some sunlight and to learn how to cry. I had a good day though. It's funny how I had a good day but I'm so stressed. I'm annoyed because Friday night was the best I've felt in several years. I felt like I was my true self. I had everyone's attention, was with my friends, had the attention of women, was doing two of my favorite hobbies at once, felt like I had an identity and I was afraid to lose it. I lost it instantly with that dating thing and kept beating myself up. I kept calling myself worthless, ugly, pathetic, embarrassing, stupid, and an asshole for not having this girl talk to me. It confirmed that I didn't belong with my friends or to flourish in my true identity. That made me lose all my emotion and leave me empty. That's why I'm sad. I sabotaged myself into believing I'm worthless when I worked so hard and have evidence that I'm not worthless. I feel better than yesterday, but I'm still so down on myself. I just want to be in a loving relationship with a woman I respect and am attracted to. I also wish I loved myself. I think I do. I just wish I had better control of my thoughts.

Glad you're safe from the cold. You're doing great. Keep moving forward.