BooksandTrees

Welcome back!

I ran into my father tonight after not seeing him for 8 years. Very strange for me. I've been thinking of communicating with him again, but it's been difficult to find time and the correct words. I find it interesting how i've made the choice to quit work and focus on my life and depression and I meet a woman and then see my dad. Who knows.

I'm so glad to hear from you again. Congratulations on your new endeavor in life and I can't wait to hear your story. Thank you for your response and I'm excited. I'm scared of my future but I'm ready for my next challenge. I'm ready for where my passion will take me.

I'm trying. I think I can take this Friday off so I'm happy

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6 days til I'm gone

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Thank you. I'll keep you guys updated and I think I'll be creating my own website soon.

This last week of work has been such a struggle. 2 deadlines and I'm unbelievably burnt out. I'm close though. I gotta stay strong.

Thank you. I'm glad I can be relatable to you and hopefully provide some perspective. In my opinion gaming is easier to quit than porn. When I quit gaming I leaned heavily on the porn. I have failed quitting porn multiple times because initially I was 6 weeks free of gaming and 2 weeks free of porn. I'm now 28 weeks free of gaming and 2 weeks free of porn. Something that has helped me has unfortunately been a mix of love and hate. I had to develop a hatred for the porn and gaming habits. This included the communities as well. I'm still dealing with cravings for porn, but I've really felt more strength as of late with the pursuit of my hobbies and allowing myself to be happy. I'm upset because I spent so long in school and work developing my career, but I don't regret it. It's going to fund my small business idea. I'm going to try and make something of myself in the next year and learn to appreciate myself along the way. I was so successful in engineering, but found I was sacrificing happiness and pleasure in life. I want to smile from the inside.I want to appreciate moments of the day, not wait for the day to go away so I can enjoy moments in the future. I'll make sure to follow your journey. Feel free to tag along with mine as I post. I'll be making videos about my journey as well soon.

It's a mixed bag. Free from school? Maybe, but I had to work full time while getting my undergraduate and graduate degrees, which I have to say are incredibly more difficult than high school. I'm not trying to have a condescending tone with this either, but I don't want you also thinking that things get easier. You have more responsibilities when you age, but you will grow to be able to handle them as you find your independence and expand your world. You'll be able to study what you want hopefully and be able to spend time with people you want to spend time with. I had to work full time at a job I did not like and then spend 20-40 hours per week outside of work doing school so I had little freedom. I would desperately turn to porn and video games to feel better because of my imbalance in life. If I spent all this time being unhappy then porn and video games would release enough dopamine to get a stone happy. I could only carry on for so long with this mentality. Happiness and freedom come from within. I had to wait 20 years to find mine and I hope you can find yours sooner. If you're already focused on self improvement now then I think you'll find it and are setting yourself up for success. Keep up the good work and feel free to read through people's journals to see what they struggle with and if you can relate, maybe you can learn more about yourself than you initially thought.

Thank you. I sure will get my content online and create a business. I'm currently structuring what I'd like my business to be like because I have multiple avenues I'd succeed in and just want to make sure I find the correct combination for profit and happiness. I appreciate the support.

Sorry to hear about the classroom creep. Stay strong and know that this is just going to happen a lot whether you're a guy or girl. Other people are great, but a lot of the time they can also suck and just rub you the wrong way whether it's their infatuation with you or just wanting to get something out of you to better them in an unbalanced and unhealthy way. Use the success of your work to keep you motivated and know that you'll always have unlimited opportunities to accomplish your goals no matter what situation you're in as long as you're resourceful and determined. College is rough, but the semester should almost be over. Almost there.

Good job on the journey so far. Avoid the gaming videos and keep focusing on your goals. Your dreams in life are some of the most powerful and endearing things you'll ever own. These will keep giving you hope and power to live life the way you want. At some point you will stop focusing on the things you're doing wrong and fixing them, but you'll start focusing on the things you do well and what you can do better and right to lead you to accomplishment. That journey will bring happiness and fulfillment.

Nice job. I'm glad to hear you're dealing with cravings and sticking to a schedule. Keep following your dreams. The happiness of accomplishing your dreams, but also living a life with purpose and intention will bring you a happiness and fulfillment that gaming and porn will never bring to our hearts. I found that I kept wanting to watch more and more porn to feel accomplished and fulfilled. But recently I started following my dreams in life and devoting myself to myself and the journey towards my goals. Through this I have found peace and purpose. I have also found that I wake up each morning with life, not a dreary disdain for the day ahead. I hope you stay strong and stay on the journey.

Take it from me that gaming in moderation won't work. If the first thing on your mind after 90 days is to game again then you are still suffering elsewhere in life and gaming still represents that freedom for you. If you go to the first 2-3 pages of my journal you can see that I stop journaling for 2 months. It should be from September 1st to October 28th. That was me trying to play in moderation after not gaming for 4 months. It was heartbreaking and I played more than I ever had. It was tormenting my soul. I was empty and derisive in my emotional expressions. This is proof that you can make it 90 days, but also proof to keep going. Follow the divine path in front of you. Sometimes you won't know where the path leads, but when choices need to be made you can always search your heart and feel a force push you in the right direction.

I'm 28 weeks free of gaming and 2 weeks free of porn now. Some major changes have occurred over the past few weeks. I decided to look for an apartment, but hated every apartment I saw. They were all terrible and I would have been miserable living with frustrating neighbors and an uninspiring building. They were also super expensive because my part of the country is expensive and because of the housing market all land lords are raising their rents considerably with the market. I also had the chance to buy my dream condo. It had everything I wanted: a finished basement with an entertainment center, remodeled bathrooms, 2 huge bedrooms, ready to move in, great kitchen and deck to relax in and cook. I could really see myself living there. I told my realtor that I needed it and we got all the paperwork ready. I then told about 8 friends how excited I was and was very tired. I went to take a nap, but I wanted to zone out a little and watch a YouTube video before napping. The first video I saw was the music video "Risk" by Metric. Like, really? I scroll down and the rest of the videos are about achieving my dreams in life and going after what I wanted. I started to cry. I didn't want to buy this condo. It would have meant I spend at least another 5 to 30 years there and the only way I could have paid off the mortgage would be to stay in engineering, get a part time job and another roommate, or rent out both bedrooms and not live there at all, which defeats the purpose and I'd only be profiting $200 per month off of the tenants after the gross monthly pay was finalized. I then started to think about how unhappy I have become in the past 10 years. I've separated myself from my friends and family and have no feeling of meaning or purpose in life. I feel happy when I'm away from my career and with my friends and certain family members in an environment where I can work on my goals. I then met my friend and told her my story. She shared her story with me, which nearly mirrored my own except she had purchased that dream condo. She encouraged me to follow my dreams. She then made me meet her for a stand up comedy open mic night where I performed my first routine without any practice. I got a standing ovation and the biggest reception. The owner of the restaurant took me out for beer after and gave me his card. Other performers couldn't believe I've never practiced before and said I had a natural talent for comedy and storytelling. I was elated. The next day I couldn't get the smile off of my face. I couldn't focus on work or anything. I felt happy for 2 days straight - something I've been searching for through porn and video games for decades. The day dragged on, though. I kept looking at the clock. Soon I would just take walks outside in our parking lot, day dreaming of my future if I worked on my goals and what steps I could take. It was my most unproductive week in months. The next day I decided to give my boss my 2 weeks' notice. I was done with this for right now. My mom, friends, and family supported my decision after telling them everything. It was clear I have a direction I need to follow. I want to create my cartoon, write, and do my passion of comedic work. I also want to continue developing myself. I feel this journey will be the one where I learn how to love myself through constantly working for myself, being a friend to myself, learning to breathe and appreciate my life, and have a more positive mood. I want to support my dreams and myself. This is all attainable. I know it won't happen right away, but just the idea that I'll be embarking on this journey fills me with intention and purpose. I won't be doing other people's work anymore and I won't be in a sloth environment. I see my future and want it. But I also see the journey and am excited for it. I'll keep people updated. This has been a very difficult journey for me, but I've known for years how unhappy I am and I was getting to a very volatile and turbulent state of mind and emotions. Such a frantic state could only be sustained for so long before a blowout. I love life too much for that. I will win and I will enjoy it. Matt

@fawn_xoxo I gave my 2 weeks notice

I calmed down

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I'm 26 weeks free of gaming. It's the official half year mark. I feel very strong about my progress. My presentation went well. I taught for 3 hours and then taught for 3 hours at another university. I was asked to come back and teach again. I don't want to do it. Between teaching and driving to these places and not being able to charge it to work I find myself in a situation where I only worked 32 hours last week. I tried working late after regular hours, but I had commitments I didn't want to throw away or reschedule. I tried going to work on Saturday, but ended up crying in the parking lot and driving away to see a movie by myself. I toured some homes I could potentially buy, but I don't want to buy any homes. I don't want to live alone and be lonely with my grief about my career and lack of time. It would take more of my time away from me. My heart is aching and my eyes are wrapped in sorrow. I set goals for myself this weekend and got a lot done. I was able to address all of the hobbies and interests I've been doing and was able to distinguish between realistic and non-realistic goals. This helped me eliminate a lot of things on my mind. I think it's time to give up. I'm so destroyed by my job. I don't look forward to the days in front of me and I try to do my hobbies as a source of potential income instead of happiness.

I'm 25 weeks free of gaming now. I've also been thinking a lot about my life and how I've been handling things. I put way too much pressure and undue stress upon myself. The Problem: I have a presentation at a college this week and I procrastinated and got depressed and stressed out for 4 months. I panicked over it. I couldn't bear the fact that I had to do work outside of work on something I didn't want to do. I grew furious with the fact that I never do things I want and I can never accomplish my goals because there are always so many things in the way. What Happened? After months of these thoughts and thinking about how much I hate my daily life and haven't been happy, I finished the presentation in 7 hours of work and spent 3 hours practicing it. 10 hours. That's it. I put 4 months of stress, depression, anxiety, and irritability on the forefront of my heart and brain over 10 hours of work. 4 months is 120 days or 2880 hours. So instead of doing 10 hours of work, I stressed out for basically 2880 hours and tried to change my life to avoid it. This is a major underlying problem. Upon examining why I did this, I found that it was multiple factors that proceeded to highlight this issue. The fact that my commute is 3 hours each day, the arguments at home, the hobbies I've been working on and not working on, the fact that I don't get to see friends as much, the unhappiness in the fact that I don't always hang out with a girl I want to date, or work on something fun, or be happy, etc. I also took a long vacation with somebody I ended up hating and felt like once again I wasted my vacation to make someone else happy instead of myself along with turning my happiness into sorrow. At first I thought it was a fear of failure. What if I look stupid in front of these kids? My presentation is also about my job. I was getting very depressed about my job due to commitments with volunteering, 5+ multiple projects, the commute, the feeling of under appreciation, and more. Spending 10 hours on something I was brutally sick of really put me over the edge. It took the final push of the presentation actually being due where I could finally work on it. When I did, I flourished and finished in a reasonable amount of time. What Does this Mean Moving Forward? I need to change my attitude completely. I need to change how quickly I go from happy to sad. If I have to do something I don't want to do I just freeze and panic and get angry. I act like a child. I get excited about doing a good thing and offer to volunteer. I then get angry at myself for volunteering. Instead of doing any hobby I want or see any friends I want to see or try dating (we all know I still like that girl at work, let's be real) I just sit there and complain about the fact that I have to do this task and I don't want to do it. So I sit at home and do nothing. I read the internet, watch TV, and lounge. I then start to get irritated and annoyed that I have this looming over me. I then get scared that I have to do it. I feel like I'm not smart enough. I have goals for myself. Too many. I want to create a media studio, YouTube channel, website(s), podcast(s), write books, exercise, date, buy a house, create forms of passive income, see my friends, travel, learn to draw, sculpt, exercise, cook new food, oh and write a full fledged cartoon. The pressure I put on myself to achieve all of this is insurmountable. Instead of looking at the list and saying "Oh, I'll work on...these 3 today and see what happens. They seem like fun." I just sit there and freak out like a moron. If anything I've just learned about this project and my years of school and work, it's that I can do anything I set my mind to, it's never as bad as I think it's going to be, and if I just relax and enjoy the process then I'll have fun and take stress off of myself. The reason I get so angry so fast is because I'm regretting not having fun, I know I'm stressing myself out, I want to enjoy life, and I want to enjoy all the things I listed above that I've put off because I had previously been too afraid and just played video games. Without the games there's been so much tension regarding doing these hobbies that I've become very irritable and stressed. My mindset and attitude will be changed now.

So I went to the doctors and took a test regarding my digestive system. I was suffering from extreme bloating, gas, pain, cramps, etc. After testing I was diagnosed with a severe case of SIBO. This is small intestine bacterial overgrowth. It causes chronic fatigue, improper absorption of vitamins a, b, and d, severe bloating, poor diet issues, painful digestion, and much more. I'm on an antibiotic to kill the excess bacteria. It is caused by genetics, stress, poor diet, and bad luck. I think this contributed to a major amount of my depression and anxiety because I'm afraid of throwing up so I don't go out much. I also just feel so uncomfortable, etc. Hopefully this improves my life.

Thanks man. I think I came home for an easy way out of life as an engineer, but I also really enjoy my friends in engineering and although my mom does nice things for me, she's so lost mentally that she just says some of the most insulting things to me that make me feel so terrible about myself as a person. Then she'll get apologising or making me a dinner randomly or trying to talk to me. Lol. I don't want to repeat what she's been saying. It's not worth it. Makes me feel like I'm such a burden to her existence. My goal is to get an apartment near work. I'm going to be more disciplined in my time there. Back in December when I moved out I was only 6 weeks out of gaming. It was hard to focus on my writing or hobbies or seeing friends. I'm now 24.5 weeks free of gaming and know how I want to budget my time between seeing friends, relaxing, and working on hobbies. I'm ready to live now. I'll slowly build a media outlet on YouTube and a website. I'll post funny videos, take online classes, write my books over time write my stories, sculpt, cook, see people, date, vacation, everything. I'm confident in who I am. I love comics, cartoons, hockey, anime, scifi, all kinds of food and music, sculpture, drawing, painting, bowling, pool, socializing, writing, singing, dancing, so much more as well. I'm gonna see friends because I'm the leader. I'm the one who organizes things. That's just the way it is. I'm the one who needs to take charge and get a woman I want. I'm gonna relax when I want, read when I want, etc. We are amazing people who should not feel trapped. We have options and just need to work for our dreams until we can live them.

I think I'm moving out of my house. I can't deal with it anymore. I was told a few things last night that really made me feel like trash and I just want to go.