BooksandTrees

Edited

Thanks. I'm getting there. It's tough some days like today but others fall into place.

I was originally going to say that but I think if we follow the path to wellness the correct way then the end product of balance and mindfulness is the reward. We'll be set for all challenges we face.

I think we go through phases of happiness and unhappiness with our depression and I think it's important to take a break and let ourselves relax. There's a difference between that and mindlessly surfing the internet. Maybe there's a way for you to relax your mind for a week and accept the fact you won't be as productive. See how it effects your week after that and start getting small ideas and just schedule them without scheduling too much. We're all exhausted. This self improvement journey is a painful burden with more pain that reward for the majority of the beginning phases. This means we need to spend intelligent ways to relax and rehabilitate ourselves. We're basically rehabilitating ourselves like an injured athlete would. We gotta slowly patch things up for a few months and then allow ourselves to go at full speed. Athletes work on their bodies and then spend dedicated time relaxing to rehab. We need to dedicate relax time to fix our minds and hearts.

I haven't been around much recently, but I'm now 38 weeks free from playing video games. I've been keeping myself busy socializing after work and haven't really been around my apartment much in the past 2 weeks. My porn usage is down and I've just been making efforts to do fun social events out of the desire to do it, not a scheduled thing to keep myself disciplined. I think the self improvement journey can be very toxic in certain situations. A lot of people, including myself, I've seen on this website or other discords/websites have been hit hard by over-analyzing everything they're doing and driving themselves insane. I'm just trying to plan things when I want to plan them, make time to read, watch my tv shows, cook, and work on hobbies. I'm also at the phase where I'm starting to like myself more. I'm taking care of my hygiene better, shaving more than once a month, and just caring about myself. Being around my friends makes me realize that I'm a good person and I'm believing what they're saying and thinking about me. It's a nice affirmation. I'm now trying to dress a little better, clean up my appearance, and just look better in general. This is a nice boost to my confidence. It has also lead me to stop eating as much junk food because I'm starting to want to look better out of happiness. I gained 25 lbs when I lived at home and I want to lose that weight. I'm also being way more lenient and friendly to myself. When I want to relax I'm going to relax. It's making me get in the mindset that I also want to be productive, so I'll do that when I want to do it. I need to enjoy the day and not be so harsh and I'm doing that now. My overall internet time has diminished since leaving that discord for this website. It's just another place for people to dwell and not live in my opinion. There are some cases where people are helped and it's productive, but there are other cases where there are some people on the discord for hours a day and then they relapse. I don't want to be around that anymore.

I went to the gym today after work. I also had a good day at work. I also realized I stepped in shit over the weekend and threw the shoes away. No fucking chance I'm cleaning those by hand.

I wrote a very large piece about why I was disgruntled with the discord, but I deleted it. It was 7 paragraphs about my frustrations with it and why I feel it's very limiting as well as potentially toxic in different ways. I deleted it because I felt it might offend some people and I was tired of writing about frustrating topics (another reason I don't want to do stand up comedy. I don't want to be in a negative mood all the time and repeat the same stuff). But that's something we can talk about on my diary so we don't spam Vera's diary lol.

I left the discord as well. I am frustrated by it and don't enjoy it at all.

I find myself starting to recover a bit. I'm just so afraid to enjoy life. I've had so many instances over the years where I'm constantly on edge. I'm always ready to defend myself. My guard is up. Nobody is going to fuck with me. It's exhausting. Now that I'm in my apartment and have my space I'm starting to get the temptation to relax and enjoy life. Today I walked downtown for the first time and tried a great restaurant. I was afraid of getting mugged or something but I was safe. Everyone was nice to me. It brought some ease to my nerves because I really want to walk around a little and enjoy the summer. I just feel as if whenever I let my guard down and start to enjoy life that something bad happens. I always ruin it for myself. I'm so tired of being on edge. I really thought I could give myself a break and not be on edge once I quit my job at my mom's house, but she berated me with stupid arguments and I just had to muster up everything in my heart to push forward and give myself independence once more. I'm afraid to smile. I'm afraid to enjoy. I'm afraid to let love in. The girl I've been getting to know came over this weekend like I mentioned and I'm just not sure what to think. I think she's so kind and emotionally intelligent. She's playful and opens herself up to allowing me to flirt. She's encouraging it, but I don't want to...? Do I not like her? I just feel like there's something disconnected and missing. I'm also just exhausted. There's just something off about the whole thing and I don't like it at all. Something in my gut and heart say no and my body and mind listen. I also need to keep up my pace and continue to relax. I'm practicing being grateful in the smallest of strides along with practicing doing more stuff in life in the smallest of strides. I spent time with friends each day this weekend, wrote a bit, etc. It felt nice. I honestly just think I'm in some sort of recovery mode and it's so important for me to regroup and find my bearings before moving in life once more. Surrounding myself with friends reminds me I'm a good person and people enjoy my presence. It reassures me that I'm a good person and in fact I can even like who I am because of it. I always see the worst in myself when my friends see the best in myself. It's so nice to see that and it shows me the way I should probably treat myself. Respect, kindness, honesty, listening, calmness, fun, humor, creativity, adventure, empathy, and sincerity. Now it's time to keep slowly tip toeing until I find my walking stride. No more sprinting and no more stand stills. If they are needed I know I can do both, but right now I need to walk. I might even allow myself to comfortably sit on the couch and read tonight. I've never done that before. I've never had a comfortable place to sit and read or something. I always just sat in bed and it made the bedroom less possible to sleep. I would also like to try my hobbies and exercising, but one thing at a time here. Tonight I would like to try reading again. It sounds so silly but I am apprehensive with everything I do in life. I'm afraid if I enjoy it I'll be happy. If I'm happy I'm afraid it will be taken away from me and I'll be in pain again. I've been preventing myself from feeling any of that through bland neutrality in life and it is enough. I want to enjoy life and feel love in many ways. I will do it.

No that's not even close lol. No enema lol. And probiotics ate bacteria. Adding to the bacteria is bad. I have it under control now.

Small intestine bacterial overgrowth. My midsection swells up with many foods and it is painful. It's related to ibs. I look pregnant if I'm stressed and eat the wrong food.

I'm now 37 weeks free from video games. I also unpacked everything in my apartment and it's coming along nicely now. The only issue is when I'm stressed out I get very sensitive to the vibrations in the floor. That girl I've been talking to recently came over today and I was nervous about it last night. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't think I'm ready to commit to a relationship right now. I don't really trust relationships after seeing so many things and I also just feel exhausted inside. Living with my mom decimated my emotions and so did living with a certain person before it. I just don't really know if I want to care or have the ability to care for someone else right now. It's a lot and it's overwhelming. I'm trying to sort myself out first. I have the ability to care for someone and know how to, but I also recognize that I'm emotionally drained. I just moved for the 3rd time in 6 months, quit my job, got my job back, reconnected with my dad for the first time in 10 years, quit video games, trying new hobbies, getting over family issues, a serious stomach condition, etc. I just want a little bit of a simple routine right now and an open schedule. I need a few months to walk around, breathe, recapture myself and get motivated again. So I will do that and just be nice about it. I'll appreciate time with her and my friends and family, but I won't be pursuing something extravagant. I really need some alone time to read books, watch TV, go exercise, laugh with friends, and live a bit. Rejuvenation and following my goals that I posted 2 entries ago.

Thank you! Yes, we are. It just doesn't feel fast enough, but in the grand scheme of things we are. We're getting there. I think that's part of the mindfullness aspect. Just making sure we know the progress we're making. I think it's important to track this and I wasn't doing it properly. I have schedules, but not tracking.

Hope you are doing well. It's been a while and I wanted to make sure you were doing alright.

I hope you are doing well. I am not sure if you will be posting here again, but I do want to say I appreciate your thoughtful reflections, honesty, and friendship in my personal journey. Helping others with your syndrome you mentioned might be how you helped a few people on here realize certain things and learn. I continue to wish you luck.

Which book? I also think I'm going to permanently leave the discord btw. I really just don't like the people there for the most part. I don't know. I like helping some of the people on there, but I'm so tired of seeing the assholes on there who were clearly the toxic gamers we hated seeing. They try to quit and are extremely elitist and don't know how to be polite socially or give respect to others.

Seems like the removal of everyday things and simplifying your life has been beneficial to potentially find some clarity for you and your thoughts. I hope this continues to work for you.

Weekly Review My first week of work went well. I'm already in charge of helping younger engineers get their work done, being a part of future proposal contracts, and being placed on a few designs that I have wanted to learn how to do for a while. I also like where I'm sitting because I'm in a less distracting location and don't feel the pressure to keep talking non-stop with my former proximity crush. In fact, there is a giant column between us so I can't even see her. We're friends obviously, but I just found myself wanting to talk to her more than doing my work and it lead to internal emotional conflicts about how I was investing my time at work. I think this turned out for the better. I almost have everything big completed in my apartment. I'm almost done unpacking, my couch is being delivered tomorrow, and the vibrations at night are not bothering me as much thanks to high level machine vibration dampers being installed on my bed. Sometimes being a structural engineer pays off! The last thing I need to have delivered is my new hobby desk which is scheduled to be delivered on Monday. Once my apartment crap is sorted out I'd really like to start using that energy towards hobby projects and lifestyle choices. I had a major breakdown with my therapist on Tuesday regarding hobbies and lifestyles. I don't really enjoy doing hobbies on my own or spending time on my own unless I've been social first. If I spend an entire day by myself not talking to anyone I become very sad and closed minded. Brain fog will ensue. I told him I don't seek any activities like I did with video games. There's no real reason for me to wake up in the mornings anymore. If I watch porn in the morning I know I'll be very depressed the rest of the day due to serotonin release in my body causing me to be tired immediately after waking up. If I have a place to go I get up and go there. I just don't find anything in my life interesting enough to wake up and be passionately involved with it. I'm somebody who needs that community or emotional involvement. I played RuneScape and NHL and Overwatch because I was part of a team or in charge of a clan. I was constantly talking to them. If I just played RuneScape for skills and levels, I would have been a maxed account years ago. I just liked talking to people. I used to just sit there and talk to people. Work has brought my social life back to me and so have my other hobbies outside of work like volleyball, rock climbing, and potentially hockey and lacrosse again. I just can't do these things on my own. I never wanted to be the best at RuneScape, but I did at NHL and Overwatch. If something is competitive, I really want to be the best at it. I kind of miss that satisfaction of competition and giving my best at something over a specific period of time. RuneScape didn't have that because you grinded for hours. You could PK, but that is really it besides elite bossing or clan wars/castle wars. Lifestyle Needs and Rules Below is a list of needs I crave to satisfy in order to be happy in life: I also am going to highlight the ones I think I've checked off. I don't need or intend to do every item I listed specifically. I intend on balancing the numbers 1-8 and the sub-bullets are examples of what I either need or want to try. I know there are too many to do in a lifetime, but they're examples for me to reference when I crave something but don't know what I want. Like a menu at a restaurant almost. Legend: Pink = Partially Completed or started Yellow = Completed or actively doing Needs: Social Interaction Community Lots of talking with potential for humorous conversation Teamwork Work colleagues Creativity Art: drawing, animation, painting, etc. Writing: screenplays, books, hockey articles, personal journals, self help pieces regarding self improvement for myself or others Design: Engineering style projects on a personal scale or just my work and volunteer projects Cooking new recipes Finding new music or perhaps learning one day Comedy: YouTube videos, Podcasting, Stand-up comedy, Writing Physicality Outdoors for sunlight and exposure to life and aromas: Hiking, walking, trail walks, the beach Slow-paced: Yoga, rock climbing, stretching, weight lifting (very boring), bowling, pool, darts Fast-paced: Adrenaline rush to curb my need for competition such as floor hockey, volleyball, tennis, or lacrosse Certainty Having a place to live that I enjoy Receiving a paycheck Receiving health insurance and all associated coverage Proper sleep schedule proper meal schedule consistent water intake Variety Go to a concert or sporting event once in a while Try to go on a fun vacation that I'll actually enjoy Try new restaurants and breweries with friends Try fun activities like fairgrounds, carnivals, festivals, and group paint night events or something like that Connection Maintain bonds with friends who i really want to be close to me Maintain lower level bonds with friends I don't want to lose, but don't necessarily need to know everything about my life Continue to see my therapist Be part of the communities I associate myself most with such as engineering for work or animation for hobbies See my family when I need to, not because of anything else. They have proven to be a let down and I know sacrificing my time for them is a waste for me Open myself up to the idea of love. I have boundaries built so I don't get hurt again, but I really want to meet a woman. I know my type. It's generally a blonde haired woman either pale or tan with a warm heart, gentle, happy, empathetic, open about her life and emotions, compassionate towards my life and emotions, and loves life. I've met many other women but I am most attracted to this kind of woman. I need communication and not someone who just hides themselves all of the time. My mother has made me hate when people do that and I'm done with it. I don't want to beat around the bush to found out you stubbed your toe. But realistically I will be attracted to any woman who strikes me a certain way. I won't just limit it to a blonde. That's just generally who my heart has reached out to the most. Contribution Taking the steps to make my life better. I put this as the first bullet point on the list to let myself know that I need to take care of myself first before helping others. I originally put it after volunteer, but deleted it and added it first. I also included this to show that I always put others first and need to stop doing that. Volunteer my time to build a better community without sacrificing enough time to make me miserable. This could be donating between 1-5 hours a month at special causes or just assisting coworkers and friends make their lives better. I feel good helping others whether it's on this website or in real life doing projects. I recently stopped helping multiple projects and only help the 1 or 2 I am interested in and help on this website. Relaxation Being able to watch a TV show for a bit without binging, but allow myself to let my mind relax and unwind before bed so i am not overthinking. Reading Meditation This is such a difficult list because of how large it is, but I also know I've taken massive steps to completing it. The past week basically completed number 4 entirely with the new apartment, quicker commute, and work establishment. I also find this piece I've written interesting because it shows I'm not doing anything physical, not being social enough, not having enough fun, not being creative, not relaxing enough, and not finding love in any way. I'm spending a lot of my time sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, watching porn, reading dumb articles, pacing around my apartment getting stressed out over things I'm worried about. We all do this. We sit there and read the internet or just let time go by quickly and don't live. I think this bullet list is going to be important for me. I'm going to save it to my computer and eventually a website. Matt

I understand the pain and/or fear you have regarding addiction. You're in a grey area because learning a new language is very special and should not be treated as a waste like video games. It's a valuable tool and helps a part of your brain develop further that most people neglect. The other half of the grey area is duolingo wants to make money. They designed an easy way to learn a language and through that they utilized powerful reward systems which video games and gambling companies use to attract consumers and keep them hooked. So you're enjoying the fact you're learning, but because you've hurt yourself in the past with gaming and porn you've developed several internal safety checks to prevent yourself from being hurt. Similar to knowing not to touch a hot frying pan because you'll get burned. The dysphoria feeling is because you enjoy the rush of ranking high. Your name is there and all of a sudden you have a new identity as the most efficient language learner. You feel proud. You don't get this satisfaction from work or chores. You don't want to stop because you want to keep this emotional high going, so you do your best to stay at the top. But you never end up being that happy again. You just need to stay number 1 and it starts to eat at you because that's you're new identity. I'd personally take a break from it and maybe find a more indepth way to learn Japanese. This could be meet up groups or reading a book or a Japanese speaking discord. Anime with no subtitle? Also, don't be afraid to have fun. I used to think dopamine rushes were fun and when I have fun in real life I don't want to stop because my mind craves dopamine now. I get a mental crash and very depressed after having fun sometimes but I have to remember it's because I used to play games for 16 hours straight and it took more dopamine to be satisfied. Naturally fun activities aren't meant to be abused for hours. You can go hiking for hours, but you feel better after that and naturally exhausted and healthy because it's something animals need. Nature, sun, exercise, water, air, smells, sounds, environment changes, etc. At the rate you're using the app and the fact you posted on here about it truly means you're not having fun and it's a harm more than a help at this point. Also, I wrote a post about the interview but it never posted. I'm glad you went down and did well in it and are taking it well. I just think it's a blessing in disguise because if that guy was your boss I think you'd be very stressed out and in an environment with potential conflicts on a daily basis. That's just exhausting. I honestly think one of these gigs you do will pay off and you'll be able to produce social media for passive income through people recognizing you and wanting to hear more.

Can you speak to a manager? I used to get overwhelmed helping people. They'd go home before me and stuff. Now I get my work done first and then help others and let me bosses know I'm helping them. I get good reviews for leadership now and for my work. It's really tough to balance this. You're experiencing middle management.

Good luck with the job search. I can tell you my life feels much better having my job again. It's a pain but important.

@Vera and @goodvibes Thanks for talking. I appreciate it. I've just been destroyed the past few months and few years for the most part. I need to remain strong. Today was interesting. I thought today would suck, but it didn't. My company threw a welcome back party for me today at lunch and bought several cakes, coffees, and teas. They talked to me and celebrated. It was so nice. I saw all my friends and they went out to lunch with me before it as well. It made me feel very welcome when I didn't feel very welcome before in my other environments. I also got text messages from my aunt, my mom, my dad, and my three friends wishing me good luck. They remembered. It felt so nice. I was happy. I also thought my package was going to get stolen today, but it didn't. I was very angry about ordering something and losing it to thieves. It was there. I think it was there because it weighs 100 lbs, but I'm happy I didn't lose $300. I'm now going to the store to get the vibration dampers. I'm gonna try to get one for my computer desk and one for my bed. I'll also get one for my couch soon enough.

I talked to the manager of the place. He said someone moved in on Saturday and they have their air conditioner running full blast all day long. He said he's going to talk to the regional manager to see if there's anything that can be done. He said for now he'll help me get vibration damping pads and hopefully the guy has a $500 electric bill. Utilities in a loft apartment are very expensive so they'll be hit hard hopefully. If that fails I will find a way to get in there and talk to him and get him to use a lower level AC unit. I go insane when I don't sleep. I become very irate and uncontrollable. I got angry because it just feels like everywhere I go there's something idiotic preventing me from being happy or comfortable. It really pisses me off. Plus it was the night before I started work again, where my brain function is paramount.

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