BooksandTrees

@Vera and @goodvibes Thanks for talking. I appreciate it. I've just been destroyed the past few months and few years for the most part. I need to remain strong. Today was interesting. I thought today would suck, but it didn't. My company threw a welcome back party for me today at lunch and bought several cakes, coffees, and teas. They talked to me and celebrated. It was so nice. I saw all my friends and they went out to lunch with me before it as well. It made me feel very welcome when I didn't feel very welcome before in my other environments. I also got text messages from my aunt, my mom, my dad, and my three friends wishing me good luck. They remembered. It felt so nice. I was happy. I also thought my package was going to get stolen today, but it didn't. I was very angry about ordering something and losing it to thieves. It was there. I think it was there because it weighs 100 lbs, but I'm happy I didn't lose $300. I'm now going to the store to get the vibration dampers. I'm gonna try to get one for my computer desk and one for my bed. I'll also get one for my couch soon enough.

I talked to the manager of the place. He said someone moved in on Saturday and they have their air conditioner running full blast all day long. He said he's going to talk to the regional manager to see if there's anything that can be done. He said for now he'll help me get vibration damping pads and hopefully the guy has a $500 electric bill. Utilities in a loft apartment are very expensive so they'll be hit hard hopefully. If that fails I will find a way to get in there and talk to him and get him to use a lower level AC unit. I go insane when I don't sleep. I become very irate and uncontrollable. I got angry because it just feels like everywhere I go there's something idiotic preventing me from being happy or comfortable. It really pisses me off. Plus it was the night before I started work again, where my brain function is paramount.

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I absolutely hate my life. I think somebody moved into the unit below me and they keep their air conditioning unit so low that the hvac system is constantly pumping air into their rooms through the vents. The system vibrates and is shaking my floor slightly, which is shaking my bed and making me motion sick. I can't sleep and I'm nauseous for hours. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! I GET ABUSED BY MY FUCKING ROOMMATES AND MOVE HOME ONLY TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT BY MY FUCKING RETARD MOTHER AND NOW I SPEND ALL THIS MONEY GETTING AN APARTMENT AND NOW THIS IS HAPPENING. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THIS ANYMORE. I FUCKING HATE HOW SOMETHING IS ALWAYS MAKING ME SICK OR UNHAPPY. I FUCKING HATE OTHER PEOPLE. PEOPLE ARE A WASTE. HUMANITY IS SHIT. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING 1 HOUR OF SLEEP WHEN THE FUCKING VENT TURNED OFF WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! I HATE LIFE SO MUCH AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUCKING HAVE A HOME!!!! FUCK

Well, this is it. I return to work tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm disappointed beyond words over how my time away from work went and my interactions with my mom. I'm sad I left my bird behind. I didn't want to move out. But I felt like I was being pushed out so badly that it hurt me in many ways. I'm not sure how long it will take for me to recover from this completely. I understand that having my job will be good because benefits, money, stability during the day, getting out of my apartment, and seeing my coworkers and socializing. I appreciate that a lot and that's why I'm going back. But I feel embarrassed returning. I don't want to be seen really. It's odd because everyone there is welcoming me back with smiles and being so kind. I've talked to half the office already and they're happy I'm back. I think this time around I'll be less invested in people emotionally. I understand now that younger people want attention right away but don't want to give attention right away. I am also sitting away from the person who was my proximity crush and distracting me from working clearly. So this is actually something I'm looking forward to. I want to make sure I'm actually doing my work the way I want this time around. I know that only 2 people from the office talked to me after quitting through texts. Although everyone liked me, as soon as I left only 2 texted me. So I know where my thoughts should lie and it's with me first, company second, coworkers third. I've also been disappointed in how I've spent my time. Depression has rendered me a shut in. I barely leave my house and I'm afraid to go out of the house. I think work is important for me to leave. Once I'm out I'll be more eager to shop, trail walk, work out, etc. This is important for me. I'm tired of staying home and feel bad about it. I'm also going to restructure how I spend my time at home. I have dedicated 1 solid hour to hobbies. I am so productive in real life and I've neglected it due to emotional exhaustion, depression, and anger. I have the job, I have the friends, I have the apartment, I have my life back. It's time to keep going and push myself. I'm doing a good job. I've got this.

Lol I don't blame you. I found myself being afraid to leave my apartment the past few days and just trying to relax here. I definitely feel worse staying inside and not socializing. But it is interesting how unending YouTube series and stuff makes us feel like we're gaming again. Have you been going to the gym at all or even interested in it? I keep feeling so uninterested in working out and just want to do a fun physical activity like volleyball or tennis or even rock climbing. Maybe just being on top of our routines is what we need. Even if we don't want to tell ourselves not to watch TV, it's the best strategy for us so we can continue to balance ourselves.

Congratulations on quitting. The hard road leads to places we don't know about. My journal is huge now and I've been game free for 9 months. I tried moderation after 5 months last year and it lead to a full blown relapse. My 9 months starts after that relapse and doesn't include the 5 months I mentioned. It's hard. Keep investigating why you played games. I played for social interactions, competition, and progression. I now see friends a few times per week, play sports, and found progress hobbies like writing to see how much I can write and watch the quality improve. I also cook and do better at work and try to progress my company ideas. Don't try to quit many addictions at once either. Trying to quit porn and gaming at the same time has been hard for me. Take things slow and follow yourself. Study yourself. Most importantly, be your friend and learn to love yourself. It's slow and painful, but possible.

I'm 36 weeks free from gaming today. That's 9 months. I'm so proud of myself. I've never been this far and I want to keep going. I love myself for this commitment to myself and that makes my heart happy. I unpacked more stuff. I hung out with a woman today and she made plans with me to see me again next week only 1 hour after leaving. Very cute! Scary for me but also exciting. We'll see what happens. I have to trust myself and I think love and connection helps solve issues with my porn addiction. I watch porn for love and loneliness issues over everything else. I get the rest of my furniture this week and am very excited for it. I loved that couch and just want to recline in it and feel awesome for a bit. Tomorrow I'm just relaxing and then Monday I start work again.

I had dinner at an event with all my coworkers and they were so excited to see me and I was excited to see them. It made me feel comfortable going back to work again. I felt like myself again talking to them. I think this is going to provide some level of emotional and social status comfort that I didn't realize how much I needed. Now I'm trying to do my best setting things up in my house. I want to go shopping for some stuff in my house to make it feel like mine. I also want to finish unpacking. I'm very close, just been so busy doing other things as well as battling depression. I started today off strong by not snoozing or going back to bed and had breakfast. I have been trying to restart my life a bit by making sure I sleep properly, eat 3 meals a day, and talk to people. I also know sunshine will do me wonders. I forget how good I feel when I spend time outdoors. I just get nervous exploring new places alone so I never do my trail walks or walk around new towns.

Nice dude. Sometimes it's tough to explain boundaries because they can be so interchangeable. Like you might always want to talk but then one out of 50 nights you want to be in a quiet space and consume yourself with only yourself. I'd be pissed about the bugs as well. I think some people have seen the lowest of things and are just happy for some higher level of things and it might not meet your standard of living. This could be why she feels your dominos are together over hers. But if you saw a millionaire business mogul's standard of living it could make you feel unsuccessful and insignificant. Like you could do better. So it's one of those try to help them see your standards slowly over time and it might need a few reminders. If they don't change or acknowledge the issue then it's a red flag in a relationship to me. I think she's been supportive of you over this period so I wouldn't break up with her over it unless you've mentioned it for 6 months to a year and you're living with her full time. If you're over there a few nights a month then it's kind of out of your control and will need to be a staple of living conditions if you move in. If you move in with her and she continues to do it then that's a big no-no. I think couples will always disagree over certain things, but if it's a direct request that isn't met then I'm kind of an asshole and cut people off and move on, but I'm in no way suggesting you do this at all lol. So don't do that. I'm just saying from past experience from a relationship or even living wtih my parents or other roommates. When they would continuously do things I've talked to them about I got offended and I think they were just careless and didn't think about it. I'd think they were directly trying to piss me off when they were just being careless. But I'd be hard on them for it after multiple instances. I don't like that. I guess it's just a pro and con thing. I think you have something great with her so I wouldn't blow it up too much.

This is great stuff. Nice job and keep it up. Are you considering gaming again after the 90 days or are you going to see this through a bit longer?

Thanks! Yeah, it's pretty tough to get through and I think timing it is important for me. It's tough because literally everything we do as former gamers is related to brain fog, procrastination, wasting life, and feeling guilty etc. And it's all addicting. Gaming, porn, social media, YouTube, Reddit, etc. Some people have no issues with it. I just know that unfortunately I do better in life when I'm being social, getting out of my house, and enjoying life. It sucks because I want to stay inside all day and I know that's what makes me depressed.

I'm back! I moved into my new apartment. It's absolutely beautiful. I was so stressed out during the move and the days leading up to it but now I am here and mostly unpacked. There are a few things to buy around the apartment which I'll do tomorrow after making a list tonight. The move was emotionally difficult because of how much stress I was going through at home. I wanted to leave home, but I didn't want to leave my mom. It's so difficult because of the emotional swings of anger and happiness. I couldn't get a stable emotional state lasting longer than 4 days of happiness. My unhappiness went on for weeks. It was a clear sign for me that I needed to go and live my life a little more. I missed my independence and my life. I feel it slowly coming back here now that I'm cooking for myself and on my schedule. I'm still very timid about going out and living life. I really sunk into a hole at home. That's due to a collection of issues I've discussed in the past, but hopefully it's all over for now and I can move on. Now that I have my stuff set up I'll hopefully be able to buy the last few things I need and start living a little. I found that I haven't been taking care of myself at all. I've been doing less than the bare minimum in life. I ate only 1-2 meals per day, watched a ton of porn, slept as much as possible, didn't do anything, didn't talk to anyone, etc. It's been very painful. Today is the second day I've had 3 meals in a day. I've been drinking a lot more water. I feel like my energy is starting to come back. I'm going to spend tonight and all of tomorrow outside so hopefully I stop fearing that. It's amazing how the influx of pornography and video streaming has been as effective as video games at deterring my daily habits and life. I start my job again on Monday. I am embarrassed about it, but I think it will provide financial stability for me as well as a purpose. I'm providing for myself. That's the only purpose I need right now. I got so paranoid as an engineer because I was looking for my purpose in life. This experience over the past few months has made me realize that my purpose in life is to survive and live well. I'm not here to serve some greater good and entertain others with comedy or cure cancer or be a deity. My purpose is to live my best life, treat myself well, and enjoy the fruits of my labor. Not save all of my money, never go out, don't see people, and don't live. That's not right at all. This experience I'm going to embark on will be slow and controlled. I'll allow myself to relax, but not allow myself to play games or watch porn. I want to balance my free time with outdoor activity as well as indoor hobby activity. I want to get excited to work on my hobbies, not obligated. Matt

Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate them. I'll look more into the recovery program when I move in. Tomorrow is the big move. I really hope this works out. I like your point about the craving being exhausting. It's annoying. I just want to go to bed and every time I go to bed I have to watch for over an hour. It's just such a distraction.

I agree with you. I think my spirits are just kind of crippled right now. I'm very disappointed in how this experience living at home turned out and I'm just drowning with sadness and anger. I really hope things get better. I'm embarrassed going back to my old job, but thankful for them letting me. I'm frustrated I need to move to a new apartment again. I really dislike moving. I have never felt "at home" anywhere in my life and never bought any furniture or things for myself because it seems like a waste. I'm just so disappointed in a lot of things and it's hard seeing the positives. Like I'll have a stable income, be in a good company with good coworkers again, have benefits, have a place to go each day so I can't just lay in bed depressed, I'll have my own beautiful apartment which is getting me excited. I really like the apartment I'm going to and can't wait to move in. I'm just bogged down by the hassle of it. My friends are trying to get me to travel with them but I'm exhausted and just don't want to travel. It's pissing me off. I don't want to go to work and then travel right away. I kind of just want to settle in. Porn is leaving me weak and it's just so hard convincing myself how much pain porn is causing me. I had to battle with that with video games and finally convinced myself it was bad last fall. I've been adamant about giving up games ever since and am 35 weeks free. I know I can quit porn. I just need to convince that other half of me that it's important to quit. Unless I get that mutual agreement I think I'll just be battling.

Change your environment and allow it to clear your mind. Don't get frustrated with yourself. You got this.

I'm 35 weeks free of gaming today. What a great feeling. I'm very proud of myself for my progress and ability to heal. I never crave games anymore. It's been over 30 weeks since my last desire to play a game. I really hope I can do this with porn. I'm having such a difficult time quitting. The fact is I don't really want to quit porn. I love seeing different women and think it's amazing. The issue is I also hate what it's doing to me. I know it's fake, shallow, and bad for relationships. I just have a lot of fun watching. But I also know it's hurting my dating life and desire to date. Right now I'd rather just watch porn and have friends who are women. After the bad relationships I've been a part of and seen in my life it makes sense that I'd be avoiding them. I really don't want to deal with another person's emotional insecurities and issues. I don't feel like committing myself to someone who I know is going to hurt me. Why would I take the chance of that happening? I know I'm trying to protect myself. I know most women aren't as crazy and dangerous as the ones I've been dating. I just have so much drama in my life already that I don't really want additional drama. I think things will change when I move into my own place, but I think I currently view dating as a major burden and I'd really rather just sit there like an asshole and watch porn. With gaming I really wanted to quit. It made me very sick as I've mentioned. There's just so many things I want to change in my life and I just don't really view porn as something as dangerous as what video games were doing to me. My self esteem, diet, sleep schedule, etc. All need to be fixed first. I think porn usage plays into those issues though. This is why I'm struggling. I know porn is adding to issues I'm trying to repair, but deep down I really do enjoy porn and sexual fantasies. I enjoy them more than I enjoyed gaming. I think if i can find more passion in my life I will have a better chance of quitting porn. I just don't think I'm ready to date yet and nothing else really makes me happy except for telling jokes. Buy I don't always want to tell jokes. On the apartment front I really like my new apartment. My mom was kind enough to go shopping with me today and bought me a couch that I love. I was going to pay but she pushed me out of the way. I didn't like it because I didn't want the idea that I could be bought for happiness to be out there, but I do appreciate the gesture and know that's not her motive for buying it for me. I think we both are sad about me leaving. It's very tough right now.

I got my keys to the apartment. It's beautiful. It's the nicest place I've ever lived. It's huge, new, and just a positive place for me. I'm gonna slowly move stuff in this weekend and then the rest Monday. I'm gonna buy some furniture this week and just make the lace comfortable and inspiring. The next thing for me is fixing my routines. My eating and sleeping is in the trash recently. I also want to focus on my self esteem because I really want a girlfriend and think this year is important for that. No manipulative person or attention seeker. Just someone who fits the proper mold for me, connects well, is intelligent and kind. And thousands of other things I'll be vigilant for lol. I don't care about how picky I am. I'm a valuable person and I know my worth. I'm not settling and won't be taken advantage of.

Sorry to hear about all of the negative things going on in your life. But I'm happy to see some of the positives as well. I tend to struggle with a few of the same mindsets you have as you've read from my posts. One of the things that works for me when I'm about to go into a downward spiral is just plain old catching myself. It sucks because I'll want to ruminate in negative thoughts. These thoughts distort my perception of reality. I'll become visceral and cut-throat with my words and thoughts towards myself and others. Only through experimentation can we find what the solution to changing our thoughts. I've found that changing my environment is a big one. If my mother bothers me for example, I leave the house and see friends. During this time I listen to loud, emotionally pleasing music and sing to it. By the time I see my friends I'll have all of the explosive energy gone from singing or ranting. I can then tell my friends jokes and get myself laughing. Laughing has always been the way to my heart and finding happiness. Being in the company of others who treat me better than I treat myself, laughing, changing my environment, and participating in an engaging activity like board games or cooking really help clear the mind. If I can't change my environment then I will go watch something incredibly stupid on YouTube like the Paula Dean or Billy Mays YouTube poops where they poorly edit the videos. They're so random, unpredictable, and funny, that it breaks my chain of negative thought. When I get angry I see the world as black or white. I see things as "I hate that" or "that is ok to me". I start to predict things that I'll hate and wait for things to turn into something I hate and then I've now proven that I was going to hate it. I say this because those random comedy videos that are so clever that I can't predict them helps clear that thinking pattern from my head. Randomly Billy Mays will tell some child to go fuck themselves for not eating hamburgers, but he's trying to sell people laundry detergent. It's so unexpected, but hilarious, that it changes my mindset and I start to realize I don't need to be that angry or negative. Then I can drift off for a bit and start thinking of things I enjoy and work my way out to being happy again. I think you should be proud of what you're doing. If you look at what our peers are doing in their forum diaries, you can be vigilant enough to realize you're the only one consistently producing great art. We're all improving in certain areas and trying hard to get there. Others are making career improvements or relationship improvements, or just behavioral improvements. Be proud of yourself for doing this art, but don't compare yourself with others on here and don't beat yourself up. Look at what we're all doing. We quit video games, right? That can't be too hard, right? Wrong. Video games are a keystone lifestyle. They're not a hobby or a habit. Video games are a lifestyle. If you want to socialize you play multiplayer games, if you want to focus you can do puzzle games, if you want to adventure you can do an elder scrolls game, if you want to build your skills and track improvement you can play world of warcraft or runescape. If you want to date you can just have a stupid online relationship with a fake person for emotional affection and watch porn for sexual satisfaction (temporary). When you give all of that up you realize how hard it is to replace it all. Finding enough hobbies to replace video game usage is difficult. You gotta find out why you gamed through the types of games you played and the environment you craved. For me, I loved social interaction, tracking my growth, and competition. I played RuneScape and ran a 200 person clan, tracked my growth, became the best NHL player in the world for 3 years, and competed all of the time. I had to replace RuneScape with seeing my friends and doing things like board games, vacations, restaurants, etc. I then found recreational sports for competition (albeit friendly and not as satisfying), and I'm developing my cartoon and YouTube comedy series for venting stress, creative flow, and humor. But I still wake up and hate my life a lot recently and I know it will pass. It passes when I keep a good sleep schedule, eating schedule, and work full time. Setting calendar goals has been good for me for the past 4 years. So I'd cut yourself some slack and do some studying on how to catch yourself spiraling with negative thought and move forward. You probably already know what makes you happy and what changes your mind and thought patterns. It's ok to cut yourself slack. This self improvement stuff drives people insane. We constantly think about how to improve ourselves and don't appreciate any progress we make. We constantly seek perfection, but perfection changes in our eyes every few months. I bet months ago you'd be happy to just draw. Now you might want to draw perfectly or something. This might not be the case, but I'm just giving an example of how our perception of perfection is a skewed line and our minds work against us. If someone called you pathetic and no good, you'd want to kick their ass, right? Don't do it to yourself. It's hard, but it starts with catching yourself and setting attainable goals. Self improvement is the ultimate marathon and most people go into it with a sprinter's mindset.

Holy shit what a ride this has been. I got approved for my apartment and move in on Monday. I got a moving company to do it for a cheap price after every company tried to charge me almost $1,500 to move a bedroom. This one is only $500. I'm going to have everything set up by then. I got a 2 bed, 2 bathroom loft apartment in a luxury building. It's brand new and nobody has ever lived there. I also know the engineers who built the building lol. I'll be going furniture shopping and everything next week. I really want this place to feel like home to me. Every place I've ever lived I usually skimp out on any designs or furniture and it just looks like I live in an empty area because I don't care about it. I used to only care of my xbox or computer were set up. I see this in many people in my life who are game addicts also and just don't have anything other than gaming equipment. I'm going to buy a nice couch and a chair to read in for the living room. I also am making the 2nd bedroom a workshop for myself. I want to paint, draw, animate, build legos, and record videos/podcasts in there. I include the lego part because I just think building with legos was such a great stress reliever for me as a kid. At that bachelor party I built some stuff out of legos and loved it. I really think doing that after work some days will be great for me. We'll see what happens. This kind of gives me hope that I'll get through my depression.

Thank you. Just a very stressful period for me which is why I've been so cut and dry with things. My patience is being tested by a lot of stuff. I appreciate the kind words.

I feel like my life is fading. I don't want to do anything. I have lost all reason for doing anything. I can't explain it. I just feel so bogged down. I wake up and have no reason to wake up. My friends talk to me and I just don't see the point. I don't play video games so I don't do anything. I don't want to work on any of the passion projects I've been so devoted to working on. It is terrible. I've never felt such a disconnect from community, people, or life. Time is flying by because I'm letting it. I sleep all day and night. All I do is sleep. I eat only 1-2 meals per day now and just feel like my spirit is fading. Hockey is over, my projects mean nothing, my career means nothing, the people in my life mean nothing. I'm so let down by my mother and what has happened. I know dwelling on it is fruitless, but I'm so very disappointed and lost. I'm filled with hate, but know hate is meaningless. So I have to dispel the hatred and funnel it elsewhere. But it just stays inside because I don't want to do anything. Every muscle on my body is tight. I have not done yoga or anything. I don't move. I'm gaining weight. Idk anymore. I don't even want to play video games. I just want to sit here and not achieve. Depression is a whale and I'm under it. I don't want any shit advice about getting up and going. I clearly know that's the method. I just don't feel like it or want to do it. I'm just writing. Let me write.

I'd be careful with how demanding this guy could be in the work environment especially if you've worked with him before and had this experience. I'm glad the interview went well and hopefully you find something new for yourself to enjoy. Weight comes and goes and there could be other ways to change how it's coming along if you really needed. Don't feel too bad about that one. Good job with the girlfriend and hopefully things keep going well.

I watched porn today after only 2 days away from it. This is so frustrating and it's happening in part to me just giving up on everything. I have been so depressed the past few weeks and it's just taking its toll on me in a bad way. I lay in bed not wanting to eat, move, or get out of it. I just sit there with tears coming down my face but I'm not actually in the act of crying. Instead of complaining entirely this post like I usually do, I will actually state a few reasons I'm grateful. I'm grateful I got my job back because it is going to give me some certainty in my life again as I heal from depression. My bosses were very generous and forgiving in allowing me to return. I am so thankful for that. This also allows me to buy a luxury apartment that I know I'm able to live in. This is a huge step and I really hope I can move into this one soon. Having a job and being respected at such a high level of work will bring my confidence back in myself, but also in my appearance in the community in world. It will open my social network back up and surround me with capable and intelligent people. I miss that a lot. I miss having that importance. I think that's a sense of self purpose I took for granted. I was looking for purpose in life, but really life is pointless if you're looking at the big picture. It depends on how I want to live life and what makes my life better overall. Having my own apartment is going to hopefully allow me to decompress a bit but also gain some much needed control in my life. Control will allow me to cook the food I want, meal prep, eat when I want, and exercise when I want. I could not do this at home because my mom would get furious if I didn't cook for her, then get angry that vegetables were there and didn't want them made. She also bought lots of sugary food and left it in front of me or just flat out kept handing it to me. I didn't buy junk food when I had my own apartment and I lost 50 lbs that way. One way to deal with cravings is not feeding them by force. Although I have not been creating content, I've been recording my ideas for YouTube videos, writing, and podcasting. I'm just going to do these when I feel like it. I'm going to practice the idea of "I want to do this when I get home" and just do it. I get frozen when thinking of things to do because I allow myself to be caught up in so many small details. I'm just gonna start thinking of things I want to do for fun, plan them ahead of time, and just kind of work on them if I want. I'm also going to allow myself to watch TV and relax when I get home sometimes. I associated television with wasting time because video games were a waste of time for me and I would get anxiety. I'm also grateful for my friends. I played board games tonight with my friends from work and they were all excited to have me back. It made my worries about returning diminish a bit.