BooksandTrees

Big steps. Good luck with the move in and I hope things go well. Maybe you can set a reminder during the day to track your spending in your google calendar?

I'm sorry to hear about your colleague passing away. I had a coworker pass away once and it was very sad. It did influence me to get help and change my life. Just sad to see a good person go. I hope you feel better.

Today I am 41 weeks free from gaming. I had a good week overall and am in like for a promotion in the next year if things go well at work. This is very exciting for me. I've also been rock climbing every week for the past month and it's finally sticking on me. I'm socializing with other climbers and will hopefully make some friends there. I also found a boxing gym to join and signed up. I'm very excited for this. The owner seemed super nice and the people are good from what I see. I'm also taking my online classes on Udemy that Fawn helped me find last winter. I was procrastinating on taking them, but now I'm actually taking them and doing the online tutorials. I'm learning a lot about Adobe Illustrator right now and will eventually move on to Photoshop next. I'm also reading my book more and allowing myself to watch TV sometimes during the week to relax. Gaming wasn't a real place to relax, but TV can be since I'm not binging it. I just watch a documentary or show after dinner and unwind before bed. Gaming used to get me amped before bed. I find that I'm watching less porn in general. I'm also withdrawing from excessive conversation at work now that I used to be involved with previously. This is better for stress as well. I have two big doctor appointments next week that should answer a few things I've been worried about, but I doubt there is anything wrong. I think it is stress induced and we all know how ridiculous my past year has been, so it makes sense. Mind Hunters is a great show as well as Handmaid's Tale for anyone interested.

I was reading an article today about how a kid won $3 million at the fortnight world champions. I misspelled that on my phone on purpose so it wouldn't be a saved word. It makes me reminisce about my time as a professional gamer and makes me wish I could compete for that level of money. It's difficult, but I just don't want to go back to games. The toxicity, the regret, the time wasting, brain fog, no social life, lower health, etc. It's strange not being the best in the world at something anymore. It hurts in a way. But when I play games I can't stop. I don't want to stop. I just play for hours until I'm spent. It's not healthy doing that for 16+ hours. I feel so much better over these past 40 weeks than I did when I gamed all of those years. That's kind of what keeps me going. The less stress is so important to my mental and physical health. In other news I did what I said today. I watched my shows, read my book, talked to my mom and grandmother, and took a tutorial for Adobe illustrator. I also did laundry and cleaned the apartment. I even spent an hour in the sun on my rooftop deck and felt wonderful because of it. I'm happy with that.

I'm 40 weeks free of video games today! It's always exciting to hit a new week and a new milestone. Today I went for a long hike with my friend, took a nap, ate some great food, and had a funny encounter with a waitress which made me realize I am in fact ready to date. I've been getting a lot more confident in my looks and receiving lots of conversation from women in public who are flirting with me. It's making me understand that I am good looking and have a lot to offer and take as well. I'm going to take it slow, but do it correct. I'm going to put effort into my dating photos for my profile, but I'm also going to keep participating at real life events I like and if I find someone there then that is even better. I have a wonderful apartment to host people now and no roommates to create any awkward situations with. I'd really like to find some romance, friendship, companionship, and explore that side of myself. I don't let people in and that can be detrimental to me in the long run. My stomach condition got better this week. I was less stressed out. I'm angry that the coworkers who hurt my feelings are talking to me as if nothing happened. But I am also doing the same because I just don't care. These people are not my friends. They are just looking for attention and do their own thing outside of work and I mean nothing to them. If I meant something they would have told me. I think meditation and mindfulness will help me overcome these stressors in the future. For now it is important to maintain a healthy diet no matter how stressful my life gets. I noticed if I don't eat 3-5 meals per day that are healthy that I feel miserable. I also want to take some fiber vitamin chewables, vitamin D, and probiotics for gut health. My IBS and SIBO conditions need to be treated carefully or else I get severe stomach pain and I can't have that happen anymore. Plus my mental health is better when my stomach health is better. It's a win-win for me to just eat healthy, limit junk to like 1-3 individual moments per week such as pancakes for breakfast on a Sunday or maybe a cookie at lunch one day per week. Donuts on Friday cannot happen anymore, cannolis on Monday after grocery shopping can happen but only if I don't eat pancakes on Sunday. My body sits there and yells at me. I also can't eat garlic and onions anymore unless they're discretely in the food. It's unfortunate, but I just need to help myself by continuing to make good decisions for myself on a regular basis. I'm going to spend some time tomorrow on hobbies. Not all day, but just "some time". I'd like to read for a bit, write for a bit, and take a class online that I've been procrastinating on because it's overwhelming and I get anxious. I think it's healthy and fine to look back at this weekend and be satisfied with hiking, seeing a friend, talking to 2 friends, relaxing, and then doing hobbies. That's what I want. I called the boxing gym, but did not get a call back yet. I'll call tomorrow and visit on Monday if I hear nothing.

LOL!! I literally just wrote how I wanted to try boxing. I wouldn't spar, but I'd still do the training. I appreciate your support and insight. I agree with what you're saying. I need to express myself.

My Plan to Overcome Depression Something I can't let go of is my anger. I have a deep pool of hatred slithering inside me from years of neglect, self hate, hate from others, bullying as a kid, previous girlfriends torturing me through emotional and sexual manipulation, misunderstandings of myself by others who are unintelligent, traffic incidents with road rage, previous roommates, trolls online specifically in the gaming world, my disappointment with myself regarding not dating anyone for almost 10 years and not connecting with others, and my failure to find hobbies that I enjoy. What happens is I spend a few days socializing with friends and going to work. During this phase I will be the life of the party and act happy. I'll think everything is fine, but not really make progress with things. This phase could last anywhere from 3 days to a month. However, during this time I'm actively not progressing myself in areas such as exercising, working on hobbies, or trying to better myself with growth in dating endeavors. I'm just "existing comfortably". I'm also not really resolving issues that have angered me in the past or issues I might perceive being an issue in the future. Then something happens to anger me and I become irate. I get so angry I feel the blood vessels pumping in my eyes and shocks of lightning coursing through my arms and legs provoking me into smashing something, sprinting, or yelling. I hold all of this anger in and pools of hatred form. I grow so angry at the people who fucked me over in the past or just people I flat out don't like at the moment. I fixate on it and stew over it for days. I become enraged and just so frustrated, like Broly from Dragonball Z. The resulting anger leads me to not wanting to show people I'm this angry. I detest it and don't want to look like a maniac like my father used to look like when he'd yell or slam things. I want to maintain my composure. So I suppress my anger and keep it inside. By doing this and not expressing myself I have actually trained my mind and body to be depressed. I'm not saying this is the only reason I'm depressed, but I know anger leads to a great deal of my depression because I'm holding it in. Evidence of this is clearly shown by my need for release. My form of release is through ejaculating to porn, eating food, yelling, singing in the car, driving extremely fast with very loud music, listening to loud music, complaining, comedy, laughing at stupid things, and hating others. The song below is basically what I want to listen to at all times. Song In My Head I think something important I could do is listen to my urges and understand myself better. When I get angry I get the urge to sprint fast and just run. I also want to smash things and yell. I crave an adrenaline rush to release my internal hatred and emotional toxins to make space for happiness and motivation. People suggest jogging and working out at the gym, but that's not an adrenaline rush. I used to love video games because of the fucking rush I'd get dominating people and then screaming at them as I pulverized them into submission on the game. It made me feel so excellent. I'd crush someone in a first person shooter or beat them in hockey. I'd be the hero in Overwatch by carrying a team or carry my NHL team as the goalie and feel the rush of stopping everything the other team tried. There's a boxing gym near me and several open fields. I think boxing and sprinting might be great for me and I want to try it. I don't want to do this to fight people. Obviously people do boxing at strip mall gyms all around the country. Kickboxing and boxing are the most popular group exercise classes out there. I think boxing will do a few things for me: Change my environment Have a place to go Exercise Release anger and deal with my emotions Develop discipline again Build confidence in myself Socialize Treat myself better The most important reason is to lift the veil of depression of my mind and heart. Depression is the body's defense system acting to suppress rage. Getting rid of the rage will lift this veil. Not being depressed will increase my energy from day to day and possibly lead me to being motivated to work on a hobby, spend time with friends, date, and focus more at work since I'll have gotten rid of stress. It might also help me quit porn addiction.

Nothing in life is perfect and nobody can ever expect it from themselves or from others. It is ok. You are not alone. But that also doesn't mean it's ok to feel sad as well. Games gave us lots of rewarding feelings through instant gratification. Sometimes life is not gratifying at all. When we played games we may have neglected the real world enough to eliminate many avenues of gratification through hard work, socializing, and connection with others and the world around us. Now that we don't have games we have to work harder for gratification. We also have to CHOOSE the gratification we want. We'd do a quest in a game to get the reward. We'd play a game to win. You can't win a drawing. There's so much more interpretation we need in life in understanding value and gratification and self worth. I'm wondering if there is a form of healthy escapism to change our mental or physical environments to alter our moods. We played games to escape for the most part. I just wonder if we can actively be aware of the feelings that make us suffer (loneliness, not being good enough, etc.) and either find a place to go outside, or some sort of hobby system to change out thinking into something more productive and either comforting or rewarding.

Real quick: I think Wednesday is Day 34 for you since Day 33 is also listed on Tuesday's journal entry. Real post: I think it's admirable you are trying to quit and adjust many bad habits at once. I also just suggest being easy on yourself with them because there might be a day or period of days where you might crave video games or porn or something with a pull unlike any other and sometimes it's hard to deal with it when you have also quit or are trying to regulate many things. I haven't read most of your journal, I apologize, but I was wondering if you've done some research into why you game, what your triggers are, and how they make you feel. Is it a social thing? An accomplishment thing? A form of escapism? Other?

I think I give so much care and empathy to my friends in hopes that they will give me some empathy. It is not received at all and I am left alone. And on top of that, if I don't continue to pour empathy on people they get offended and think I'm mad at them or something, which causes drama. I also don't really spend much time on myself because I am so tired. I get roped into social events etc and I'm not really doing the things I want to do with people I'd like to have in my life. Honestly, I think it's going to take so much time. I'm getting out of a very volatile situation, which was also a way out of a prior volatile situation. Being alone right now stinks because I am lonely, but I finally have some peace of mind at home without the involvement of a crazy roommate or an abusive one. It's probably not wise of me to say "Oh, I'm out of that bad situation now. I will now be happy forever." Most likely it's going to take some time and I have to remain patient. I do need a stress relief. I was thinking of a boxing gym near my new apartment and I've really enjoyed rock climbing. I appreciate the feedback and I'm going to keep working on this. My goals are to find myself and find some people who actually talk to me first sometimes.

I have great trouble with that. Someone will say something that hurts my feelings regarding something so unimportant and it just cripples me. I want to learn how to get stronger, less involved and less bothered by other people and their problems because I know they don't care about my issues as much as I'm caring about theirs.

I hope you get internet back soon. Are you ok after the work event? Is it a temporary thing?

My doctor thinks I should go on some form of medication for anxiety induced depression. It is kind of debilitating and I feel like I'm wasting my life being so ill. I'm making lots of changes, but little things keep popping up that bother me and I fixate on them. My baseline happiness seems to drop so far away from normal and I'm just empty. I want better friends. I put so much stock into my work friends because they seem to care, but they do not. Once they leave work I'm no longer a thought. But when I'm at work they get all angry if I don't talk to them as much. I put so much care into others and receive little back. I make sure to understand all of them, listen to them, care about them, empathize with them, and more. They just talk about themselves and it's rare I find ones who initiate conversation asking how I'm doing and my issues. I always have to be the one asking about their issues and caring about them. If I don't say anything they get angry I don't ask about them. I think people are selfish. It's kind of like this website. Sometimes people get angry you don't talk to them on their threads and stuff. I try to just help people who actually need it and it's impossible to help everyone. But I'm not actively helping myself. I get home and I wish I could write my book or something but I'm so tired. My weekends come and something stupid will distract me. Another issue I have is I want to go to the beach, but I don't want to go alone. So I think of who to ask, but they all want to start inviting more people. Then it turns into 5 people and then the other 10 people get angry you ddin't invite them. But none of them were really interested in spending time with me anyways. So I have to deal with the burden of anxiety deciding who to invite because I get anxious going alone and then deal with the repercussions of doing something in the first place. I feel like I need a girlfriend so I can plan beach days and other shit with her. But with my luck I'm going to keep meeting these chicks who have the mentality of "I'm gone have dat boy whipped and wrapped 'round my finga". Hollow and fake. Immature and insecure. Tired of meeting these people! It's left me hopeless.

I think the only people I've met who quit porn just masturbated and had sex without pornography. Then they figured out how to regulate how much they masturbated and moved on from there. I hear you with the flashes. I have had many instances with laying in bed and once I closed my eyes I'd see a blonde girl freeze-framed into my mind moaning. I'd open my eyes and it was gone. Or just flashes of it. A few scenes with no noise would flash with my eyes closed. This happened with video games when I'd play too long as well. It's more rare with the gaming on my part. Don't forget what I was telling you earlier as well. Make some time for rest. You got this time away from work. Spend a lot of it resting. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to create a new life. 6 weeks is far too short to accomplish a lot of these goals we have. Look at me when I spent 6 weeks out of work. I had 3 books I wanted to write, a comedy routine, a cartoon, a podcast, 3 websites. Etc! It's a lot and unrealistic. It actually helped to just lay down. I wish i spent some time at a beach or something.

Meal prepping, exercise, and scheduling is really great. I'm glad to see you're doing that. Meal prepping is great because there might be days where you're exhausted or depressed after or during work and don't want to eat correctly or cook dinner. So a good choice turns to a bad choice for unhealthy fast food (relates to your chart above). It also saves money, makes you feel better if you cook right, and is great for your new routine. Also, congrats on 16 days no fap. The most I could do is 21. It's a bear and harder to quit than video games in my opinion, but I know it's different for everyone.

Today was a big moment for me. I handled my coworker issue extremely well and I think I resolved it for the most part. I think I'll have to deal with repercussions of their actions at some point, but I just stayed true to myself and my community and kept going. I love myself too much to ever take abuse from someone or some people. I don't like having my feelings hurt for no reason. If I have done something wrong I will understand it and apologize and empathize, but when something is clearly done out of immaturity and illogical drivers then I will not stand for it. I'm proud of myself. I also went rock climbing with my friends and did the best I've ever done. I climbed almost 15 routes and am exhausted. Tomorrow my forearms are going to feel like I gave a herd of elephants hand jobs. Tomorrow I have volleyball, board games on Wednesday, and a trail walk on Friday. On the other days I'll be writing and trying to do hobbies. Sometimes I feel like I book too many events, but I'm going to stay strong since I feel better being active. I think my mind will adjust.

I did that as well along my journey. My distaste for the community in general is really one of the driving forces for me to abstain from gaming. Being around these toxic people with problems who take them out on you is unfair and unfortunate. No need to do that to yourself. I'm glad you saw it.

I see what you mean. I think that makes sense. You don't have to share it. What kind of feedback are you looking back from her?

I feel like I'm running on empty and I'm struggling to deal with adversity. Nobody really understands me and it sucks. They don't get depression. People get offended when I'm not happy or cheerful. I got made fun of by my coworkers because I'm not as talkative. I just moved twice, communicated with my father for the first time in 10 years, got out of and am trying to emotionally deal with the situation I went through with my mom, quit my career, went back, had my dreams crushed, and whatever else I wrote in the past regarding my stomach condition, depression, and bouts of suicidal thoughts. I just feel like a convenience for others. I don't think people care about me. I don't get asked how I'm doing. People just want me to solve their problems and then get angry at me or ignore me when I have depression issues and I'm stuck in my head with no way out. I'm tired of having my days and nights clouded with sadness, anger, sadness, sorrow, anger, sadness, and loneliness. It's like my head is swollen and needs an ice pack. That scene from fight club with Tyler and marla open up and explain people only wait to listen so they can have their turn to speak. I want to find someone who understands me but they are always a let down or a psychopath. I can't meet a caring woman without an agenda apparently. It makes me feel like I'm an accessory to their life and not a partner in our world we share. I should be grateful about talking to my mom and dad yesterday. I am. But I'm still sad. Sometimes I just feel like I can't handle the nights like this where I'm drowning in sorrow. I know I can pick myself up and work on a hobby or something, but for some reason I just want to cry for hours, sleep, and hide under my blankets in the darkness as time dances around me.

It is ok. Don't forget you're allowed to ejaculate multiple times during sex. Have some fun with it. Use different methods to regain stamina after ejaculating such as more foreplay, oral for her, sensual touching etc. Nobody lasts a long time on their first load, especially if they haven't been ejaculating before it. I'm sorry you feel pain with your ex and relationships. It's tough to be vulnerable and cautious at the same time. We are so hard on ourselves sometimes and it's really unfair. You will meet so many people, whether they're dating or friends, and some might just surprise you and make your life better, when some surprise you and break your heart out of nowhere, even if it's a friend who turns out to be a bad person. I'd say stay strong so in the event you are hurt you find the strength in your heart to move forward and pick yourself up again.

Today I'm 39 weeks free from video games. This is also the 1 year anniversary from the day I started this thread in the first place. It's been a tough journey and I know I'm on my way to being 1 year free from gaming and then more. I'll always keep counting. This means so much to me. My mental clarity and emotional strength has amplified greatly over this time. I still have work to do, but we all do. It's just being patient, honest, and loving to yourself. It has been a rough week for me emotionally, but I had some great conversations with my parents and friend today and feel much better. Today was very tough for some issues out of my control. Three people decided to really hurt my feelings and it derailed my whole day. I really appreciate the deep conversations I had with each and tonight I feel happy again. I'm very thankful for them. I overthink a lot and it's just so harmful to myself. I don't think it's worth pleasing everyone anymore because it's impossible. There will be people who misunderstand me and are just jerks and I can't control that. These people who caused me trouble are some former friends in real life who kind came out of nowhere to cause trouble and I was surprised by it. But now I am just relaxing and am seeing a good friend tomorrow. I'm going to have fun and then do some hobbies after to make myself feel better. I want to keep putting myself in situations to make myself happy. I want to have the courage to work on hobbies and also socialize outside of work. I don't think it's smart to be strong friends with coworkers. But I think this courage and determination to do things will work. It just starts with love and patience. I also made a quick excel macro to help work on hobbies. I have a list of 25 hobbies I want to do, which is making me not want to do any since there are so many. Some days I want to do my cartoon, but other days I don't want to do it. The list of 25 hobbies matches the number that shows up and I do it for an hour. So here it is:

Hey man, everything is going to be ok. Trust me. I understand what you're going through. That first week after I left my job all I did was sleep, watch porn, eat like shit, watch TV, and talk spend time with my pet bird. I was so exhausted and finally felt like I didn't have to keep fighting. I could take a step back, breathe, and relax without holding up a barrier. That barrier takes energy. Working a job you don't enjoy takes energy. Spending weeks preparing for, going to an interview, waiting out the process, deliberating what your life would be like at your new job, what you'd do by moving there or commuting, how you'd manage time with your girlfriend, and the future of your performances takes energy. Being in a relationship takes energy. Trying to stay away from porn and games takes energy. Self improvement takes energy. Spending months to save enough money to go to Japan, without your girlfriend, while being sick, and being there for weeks takes tremendous energy. You have every right to be exhausted. Think about what I just wrote and reflect on that a little bit. You said the same thing to me when I went through the job transitions, moving, self improvement, etc. It's ok and you are ok. When you finally have the opportunity to take the plunge into vulnerability and lowering your walls to fully recharge, you don't realize how strong of a force that is until you're in it. It's like gravity pulls your heart and mind down into a cocoon and you have to hibernate and rejuvenate yourself because you have utterly nothing left. It's shocking once you're in that state how little energy you actually have and how badly your heart desires to replenish itself. We see having a few weeks off to spend maybe 1-2 days relaxing and then working on our dreams. But really we need 1-2 weeks to slowly recharge. Sleeping more than 8 hours a night sometimes, eating 3-5 meals per day (healthy and balanced), socializing at a refreshing value with little to no social commitments for a bit, breathing, and just allowing yourself to feel solitude is important. Think of how a famous athlete in sports tears their ACL and has to heal for 6-8 months and then wait another 4 months to be fully healed. What's the difference between the physical injury and the emotional injury you just suffered? What I listed in that first paragraph could be considered an injury. You've been working so hard for years on gaming addiction, self improvement, relationships, jobs, life, and more. That takes a toll on you and it requires healing. These athletes give themselves time to rest, have to stay immobile for a bit, then slowly do physical therapy to get their leg moving again, then they start moving more, stretching, and then lift weights. Then they start agility training. Then they start practicing again and then they perform at their old level. I think it might be wise to let yourself rest a bit until you're ready to take the steps towards functioning in the way you know you can function. You might be upset that you're not going after your dreams and be wondering why you're so exhausted right now, but that doesn't define who you are as a person. It doesn't define the identity of your soul. Your future is defined by your person and your soul. I know you're a passionate guy and I know you have dreams. Once you get mentally and emotionally healed you and I both know you're going to step out of your front door like a cannonball being fired at an enemy ship. That ship is the obstacles you'll face to achieving your goals. I believe in you.

It's important to notice how tired you are of these devices that bother you. It's a reminder that in general you would rather pursue a creative interest. That won't happen every day since we need to relax sometimes. It's just finding that outlet to actually relax and enjoy yourself. Mine has been reading a book, cooking, stretching, walking, and watching a TV show sometimes. It's pushing yourself when you feel interested and comforting yourself when you feel weary. Keep going with it, roll with the positives and negatives and keep making the best choice for yourself and loved ones.

I skipped and went home to relax. Had a really productive day at work and also feel somewhat compelled to write or read. I'm just very tired and am relaxing in my space. I needed this and am just listening to the birds sing.

Thank you! Today is going well even if I'm on 3 hours of sleep. I appreciate it!