Catherine17

Wow, that's been a lot. Recently I have been revisiting my old accounts and I was lucky to remember my password. It was nice too see a bit younger and far more hopeful me in these entries. My journey for the past couple of years was chaotic and now I'm trying to find balance between work and self-care, and self-improvement, and studies, and relationship. Quite a set, isn't it? Past two weeks or so I've been hiding from any discomfort in video games and if I don't stop, it can start affect my mental health again. SO I just want to come back here and remind myself (and everyone else) that life has ups and downs and a person is always capable of making a positive change and take control of their life. Wishing y'all a good luck on their journey and I missed this community very much. I don't know if I will be posting here again, maybe I'm just stopping by to say hi. Hope everyone who reads this post is having a nice day

@BooksandTrees thank you for the reply! Your introspective posts have always been inspiration for me! I wish you luck with your hockey website:)

77 days without video games, 10 days without watching letsplays A lot of things have happened during past 2 weeks. What helped me to stop watching letsplays was actually a huge crush on a finnish guy. Perhaps, my brain was having constant overdoses with dopamine so I didn't need any stimulation from youtube. But, as it often happens, I have a small problem. Yesterday (now it's 5am in Finland) he rejected me (and, probably my stupid feelings) in a very neglectful way, so now I have to figure out what to do next. I am not going to be clingy/desperate/annoying, because that would be bad for both of us. After all, no means no, abandon all hope and stop trying. What my actual problem is that I kinda start to think that there is some problem with me and I will never find a partner and so on and so on. Staying up all night and crying haven't been really helpful, so I need to find a way to move on. Back to positive stuff, one of the exchange students started roleplaying club and I joined. Without fear this time. We have had one session already and it was cool, just to hang out with like-minded people and to feel that I am normal person. It was fun and I am looking forward for the today's session. I also went on a trip to the Baltic countries and that was my first time abroad on my own. Tallinn is a magnificent city and Vilnius has such magical atmosphere! I wish I had time to process everything, but I needed to get back to study really quickly. This week and the next one are going to be busy. VERY busy, because one of my teacher from home university actually reminded me to send her homework. Yesterday I wasn't really ashamed about it, but now when I have to abandon my dreams about relationship, I start to scold myself for being so dismissive. Too many feelings. And I cannot just mute them.

@BooksandTrees thank you for checking on me! It feels nice to be remembered. I hope, you are doing okay.

So, it's been a while...I hope all of you, fellow gamequitters, are doing great. Now I am 62 days away from gaming which is my longest streak. I stopped playing on the 25th of July. I don't even remember what triggered it. I stayed up late playing video games until something happened and I stopped. In August I went to Siberia, had the worst and the best experience in my life, read ton of books and wrote diary daily. Everything changed a lot when I moved to Finland. I will study here during fall semester and then get back to my old life, graduate from university and, well, try to find out what I want to do in this life. Here I have to take care about everything on my own and I am enjoying it, though, it is time-consuming. Sometimes I have a lot of plans for the day but fail to complete all my tasks on time. I still haven't sent anything to my home university. In the evening I just sit in my room and watch letsplays (and I don't know how to stop it). I have to pull myself together and start doing things. I need to dedicate more time to my hobbies which are writing, reading and drawing. I also didn't have opportunity to do some sports because I am still trying to get a plastic student card, but I hope I'll get one soon and stop being dependent on the stupid student app. But I bought an old bicycle, because you cannot really live in Finland without a bicycle. A couple of weeks ago I was translating a German movie for the festival. It took me three days of non-stop working to finish it. I have enjoyed the process greatly, although it was mentally draining. And this is when I thought that I often dream about becoming a translator or a writer but never practice it regularly. It seems that I didn't notice that behind every good book are hours of hard work. But as childish as it may sound, I don't want to dedicate hours of hard work.Well, I want to, but for some reason I am not doing anything productive that could get me closer to my dream. It won't get me closer, if I am not moving. Still have problems with people and social aspect. Being an exchange student means that you meet a lot of people from all over the world. But meeting someone doesn't mean that they are going to be your friends. I talk to people, I am being nice but I still feel very lonely. It takes time for me to make friends and everyone already have found people to hang out with, so I am alone most of the time. Even now. I wanted to join a local board game club and they have games that are beginners friendly but I just couldn't. I left without approaching anyone and I don't know why I've felt scared all of a sudden. Some part of me is afraid of meeting gamers who are ok with playing games. Another one is afraid of looking stupid because I know nothing about board games. Besides all of that, I don't speak Finnish well, and I doubt that they will run the game in English just because one person doesn't speak Finnish. I don't whether I'll try next week or not, but probably not. I wish I could be some geek girl fantasy instead of being actually socially uncomfortable geek girl. Two days ago I went to Tampere to see my friend who studies there. It was an amazing experience (and first time travelling alone). And I finally realized - I am in Finland, I live here, I study here and I am finally the person whom I've been jealous of for many many years. And I don't want to lose it and become an addict again. I want this autumn to be special. I want to enjoy every moment, create, dream and fall in love with my life. But it takes time to learn how to do it.

Day 10 10 days without games and 6 days without letsplays. Today I refused to play the game I have already installed, so I that was a victory for me. No, really, I was ready to give up but somehow I didn't. I hope that this time I will be able to last more than 2 weeks. Yesterday I volunteered as an interpreter and spent 10 hours watching how magic was being done and how scenery was being installed. And I met a fantastic peron! It is so strange to imagine somebody like me talking to the art-director, who has her own theatre company! She definitely put a spell on us all, she showed so much compassion and was very friendly. When I introduced myself to her, I was very nervous, because there were other interpreters and they spoke much better English and Finnish than I did and I felt so useless. She saw that apparently and every time she needed help, she called me, not them, so I was very busy. And she took me to see the rehearsal too! When I told her I will probably study in Finland in the next semester she strongly recommended to visit Helsinki and asked whether I knew someone from there. Of course I said, no, and she wrote her e-mail and said 'Now you know someone from Helsinki' Oh my. Not like I am going to send her an e-mail or anything, but, wow. When I was a volunteer at business forum, people there were total jerks who looked at us like at some talking furniture. The contrast is obvious. Two important tasks: The Swedish exam is getting closer and closer I need to come up with the idea for a short story contest. (brainstorming here) The topic is 'The Northern Heritage'. I've been thinking about this for ages...I see only pieces of the puzzle but not the whole picture. And the whole picture is sad. It will be a story about siblings, one of them has to leave and another is staying. Why does one have to leave? Why is another one staying? At the last moment they should create something, something that cannot be forgotten or erased. A picture? An altar? How is mythology involved? Their parents must have told them stories so there will be a logical explanation and something unreasonable. But why? Are they promised to be given to someone or are they leaving willingly? Is our heritage - slow extinction? What do they create? Why do my stories involve death???? Truly true to my commitment.

@Ambassador thank you, that is very nice of you to say that! I can say the same about your poems and I hope to see more of them in future, they are really beautifully written! Unfortunately, not everyone believes that art can make an artist happy. According to some of my friends, it is not real art unless you sweat blood, practise for million years and suffer all the time. Very unhealthy stereotype, to my mind.

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@BooksandTrees, thank you! Sorry I haven't responded earlier. It is watercolour + black and white gel pens Thank you for giving such a useful information and valuable insight! Certainty is definitely what I lack. As for the Art group I may only one online, because my friends don't consider sketching to be real art...

Hi, @Natalie! Are you taking the gap year? I think it is an amazing opportunity ?

Hi, @BooksandTrees! Speaking of stand up comedy...Have you seen Hannah Gadsby's Nanette? It contains some valuable insights on self-depricating humour and the way comedians are telling their stories. I know I won't be original with that, but it is okay to take your time while finding new path in life. You are very mindful and resourceful and I am sure you can handle whatever life has in store for you.

Day 1 Just a short entry. I didn't play yesterday, but still consumed a lot of content. Haven't slept again. Finished 11 pages paper on Kafka. I am thinking to write something about him, as soon as I get some sleep and get out of his bizarre universe. Here is the random turtle. I am true to my commitment.

Day 0 It’s been two weeks since my last report. It is somehow strange to come back. Two weeks ago, I felt that there’s so much awaiting me in the future…After two weeks of binge-gaming I am not so sure about it. It seems that all I am doing here is sabotaging myself, giving promises but never keeping them. I know I should keep trying, but it becomes harder and harder for me to trust myself. What I am grateful for is my birthday and the way I spent it, free from games. It seems a dim and distant past now. You know, when bad things are meant to happen, they tend to happen all at once. It was the Monday of the 20th of May. The Tuesday followed then. Those two days brought nothing but despair, it left some marks, literally. It wasn’t even a craving, but something from the past. Well, I thought the past was the past, but I guess ignoring some things isn’t the same as chasing them away for good, so when they all decided to strike, I was completely unprepared and unarmed. My family, university, job…When I am saying that I want my life to be boring and predictable I wish nothing but feeling of consistence and security I will never ever get. It’s only an apparition, mere a dream to strive for but never achieve. I used to hope that I manage to meet summer being free or at least getting through the hardest obstacles. Well, that didn’t happen. I have to begin again. But this time I should not bargain with myself. I spend more than 15 years playing videogames, so why can’t I survive 90 days? Perhaps, I should stop seeking acceptance. The gaming community and the games itself have changed a lot, especially since I was a kid. I’ve changed too. There is no way for me to see anything god in them. I used to say there was, but now I am doubting my own words. It is not about balance, because right now games are outweighing everything in my life. Everything. All positive things find their substitute, but never works with negative things. They are always there and they are growing. What have I learnt from my painful experience? Games are a substitute to everything in my life. With them my life becomes a shallow existence, an arduous sleep, a bog from which you cannot escape, I felt that I was sinking. Strange, but I seem to repeat myself. Anyway, games are a force that was dragging me down. It took me three or four day to stop caring about my exams, about my parents, about myself. I stopped caring, right, but kept the anxiety, I didn’t have desire or strength to cope with my problems (or at least to admit that I cannot control everything in my life) but I recognized the problems at hand. I was passively watching everything going to hell. I don’t want to spend another summer like this. This is my last carefree summer. I need to learn and this is not just about the practical skills. It’s how to plan and be responsible, how to manage your time, how to keep moving. I should learn to trust myself. We are supposed to be the people that we can count on. That’s the thing. I am not that person. Sometimes I don’t know how I can tolerate myself. I need to learn how to be me. And now to practical and tangible things. The exams are close as hell and we are not free from our daily routine. Each day brings something new. The goal is to last till Friday and hand in two papers on Kafka (deadline: Tuesday) and then – to the next big day - to Thursday. And millions of other tasks, I created a list for myself and will try to work according to the plan. I'll try to post daily. I haven’t read what I’ve written, because I haven’t slept for two days, so it might as well be pretty meaningless. Of course, I’ve been playing all this time. But I don’t want it anymore. It won’t help. And I won’t even think about the so-called healthy approach. It is not for me. Hope I can last a little bit longer this time. I am true to my commitment.

@JustTom, @Natalie, @Ambassador thank you so much for commenting, for your kind words, for just being here. It means a lot, knowing that somebody took their time to write something for me. I am grateful for that. Hope you are doing well too!

Day 13 The cravings were painful today. They were more physical, if I can put it that way. I had anxiety and the tension felt unbearable, I was all strained and unable to relax. Even the hot bath was useless. I am not saying that I am unfamiliar with that sensation but it is what I will never get used to. Yet, it makes me sure about my decision being right. If I feel that bad on a physical level, then right now games are bad for me. I tried to write and I think I have an idea for my next short story, though, it didn’t help much. Fortunately, in the evening I attended the theater. The Donizetti’s Elixir of Love is amazing. The story is fascinating and funny and the characters are adorable. Good music and good laugh helped me to get through all this nightmarish experience. I am grateful for the art. Speaking about the art…I drew a sketch for my friend. She has her Birthday tomorrow and I am really excited, because I prepared a cool gift and I can’t wait to see her face when she sees the book, the chocolates and the sketch. I hope she likes them. Well, anyway, the lighthouse sketch is one of my favourite so far. I hope I’ll be able to draw more this summer. Yesterday I postponed submitting the copywriting article till the very last moment, but now I feel free. It was tiring, but valuable experience. Now I concentrate on my studies, especially when I found that our two professors decided to switch places and instead of one home task I am almost ready with, I must do another. One day I will have a predictable boring life. I am true to my commitment.