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Everything posted by Arch

  1. Day 31, I'm just doing a post for yesterday, I fell asleep early. I finished a 2nd large step up the garden, this one looks better leveled and organised than the previous steps. I walked Otto out to the beach and realised he needs to be walked out more with the leash than driven straight to the beach. He was pulling quite hard to the point he was semi-choking himself being so excited to reach his destination. There at the beach I ran with him so he could feel a little connected to our movements so he would not stray too far by himself. He's a bit of a wild dog, doing whatever he likes at the beach and he regularly enters what we coined, 'donkey' brain. At first I was reluctant to take him out as daylight was fading, but all I was doing was making excuses to accept being lazy like "it will be dangerous to lead him through the darkness as cars with headlights zoom by" In reality, I just said fuck it and took him out and we got back with plenty of day light to spare. So here likes a small reference experience for me to be aware of the excuses I make. I did more Duolingo Spanish learning but am starting to question it's effective ness. I'm basically learning to memorize and regurgitate the words its teaching. After the lesson, I changed to a different Spanish app and it gives explanations to grammar use which DL doesn't even teach. So I think I'll be looking for alternatives from here on. I listened to two podcasts. One on "Managing Perfectionism" by the Journey to Recovery podcast and "How not to Abandon Projects and Follow Through" by The Savvy Psychologist. Some tips that I got from Managing Perfectionism was to be okay with average, to be OK with making mistakes and to set a deadline for the end of a project. My very being cringes and twists hearing these ideas but I believe will be necessary to shifting towards my more balanced self. On Savvy Psychologist, the tips I could remember were to break projects into specifics - what task, what tools, what deadline, how much time will I spend. The more specifics the quicker I will get the project done. I was contemplating watching a movie but chose to listen to these useful podcasts instead in bed and accidentally fell asleep.
  2. Thanks for sharing, very courageous of you. We're all here to help each other and you are most welcome.
  3. Day 30, I'm keeping up with my routines: Waking up at 6, meditating, exercising, reading, Spanish and journaling. Even though I am doing all these things in the space of a day I feel incomplete. I used to do nothing but game all day an achieve nothing ALL day. And yet still the contrast between these two lives, I still don't feel like I'm accomplishing much. I grew up being told by most of my family to get a job, merely 2-3 days ago when talking to my dad and brother they both said this again "why not get a part-time job?" by Dad and "maybe go kiwi-fruit picking" by my older brother. This hurts me as I don't think they understand why I have had difficulties to want to work like they think its a magic pill that will cure it all. I want to tell them this but my previous 'opening up episodes' I've had with them reminds me that all this will just fall on deaf ears again... I have quite a dysfunctional relationship with work. I will admit that. I worked briefly at a sandwich/smoothie little side shop a year ago and didn't really like it. Most advice I get is to start at a low skill labor place like McDonalds but work like this bores me to death and eventually leads me to a performance drops after the first few weeks. I admit, I've grown up very pampered and hidden in my safe gaming world. Am I being a primadonna not accepting low skill work like McDonalds or is there a truth to me desiring more meaningful work that will help burn the fuel of performance to turning up to work well. The conclusion I usually get to is I'd rather work at volunteer roles which have more meaningful environments with things that actually provide benefit to the world... Instead of selling fried food to someone. I've never really worked at any job long term more than a month opting to stick my head in video games and hide. I finished a degree in Film/TV which tested my critical thinking somewhat and discipline but I found it quite stressful living in Auckland (biggest city in NZ) and decided to move away from that. I like photography and have thought of taking photos for people for work (I've been complimented on my photos before). How did you guys get into your fields of work? Is the path to work through perserverence (taking shitty jobs and building yourself up)? Or going after what ticks you right from the get-go? I feel like the progress I've made with my good habits should be enough but a deep murky hidden feeling tells me to finish the last piece of the puzzle --work.
  4. Day 29, Notmuch today, it was a cold ass day the beginning of winter. It was lightly raining and cold in the morning. The only way I was going to be able to get warm was to run and keep running. I'm happy with my determination, no one was outside except me. I even ran a bit of the uphill on the wake back as the weather was bitterly cold. Usually, I walk hill back as a 'warm down.' I continued reading self-esteem, this chapter being about how it relates to work. Branden says that in the 21st Century our workers need to independent thinkers, creative to solving challenges and quickly adaptive to the fast changes of the economy and world wide competition. This is in cotrast to the 1950-60's blue collar worker that was rewarded by being an obedient and 'as reliable as a machine' individual in carrying out specific instructions. The mindset Is currently hold is that of the 20th Century worker, I feel incapable of applying myself to.the requirements of the 21st century worker. I hope that the positive habitual activities I'm working on will help me build my self-esteem so I can begin to trust myself and my decisions more to face my challenges of work. I built a ? in the fireplace today. I forgot how much fun it is! To build a house of wood and layer it with cardboard underneath and later being mesmerized by the heat and splinter of the cuddling warmth of it all. I'm now upstairs temporarily for all this fireplace s' heat travels up here as the coziest place of the house :) EZ sleep tonight. Did more Spanish, spent an hour this time, slower than usual but I want to make sure I remember some things. Some things of Spanish grammar confuses me like their use of a, el, la, de and the arrangement of them before other words. Spanish is much more interesting to me than other languages I have tried learning. it probably has to do with the fact I'm probably giving it more effort because I'm not gaming. Sister and I made chicken skewers and nibbles on the BBQ. I thought I cooked the chicken long enough but a few of them weren't cooked enough. I think it was due to the cold weather eaten away at the heat and need to close the BBQ lid to capture the heat inside. I'll try looking for part time work in these cold days.
  5. I think a good approach is to deal with ONE addiction at a time. One addiction is already plenty of work to get through on its own. Doubling or tripling your main goals of quitting numerous addictions may overwhelm your capability (not saying your're not capable of overcoming them all) of giving said addictions a thorough go and to spread yourself thin. This may then make you feel guilty that you didn't achieve what you set yourself out to accomplish and fill you with negative energy > back to gaming. So baby-steps is what I'm trying to get at. This is NOT to say that you are now entitled to indulge in your other addictions freely but to be compassionate to yourself if you happen to relapse into your addictions so that you can get up and try again. Over time it reduce it's clinging power over you. I also agree with @dwalk77 that Youtube/Netflix and reading are lesser addictions than gaming. Gaming has no OFF switch, you can find anyone anywhere in the world at any time and play. With Youtube/Netflix, I find one can restrict their usage by targeting specific shows with educational value or something useful to your immediate world like learning photography or cooking. You can also delete your 'empty' content subscriptions. So there are ways to lessen your chance of getting addicted to Youtube, but it requires conscious effort on your part. Compared to gaming I think it's not equal in level of addiction grabbing power. With gaming, you're just straight away plugged into the 'world' and lost in it. In the end it's all about balance. The ability to juggle the urges, activities, feelings and inspirations so that they do not have negative effects on another area of your life. Again, this requires continual conscious effort and I don't know where you are in life but I feel consciousness is limited to those who are addicted and it is best to use that little bit we do have to deal with one major goal at a time. Later, we can reflect back and own that progress and build on our successes. I'm sure there are some people out there that have indeed been able to quit multiple addictions at the same time but I think for the majority of us of who have tasted the cold pain that orbits gaming addiction, it is best to nail this one in the coffin before deciding to climb Mount Everest :)
  6. Yea, this is one of the more subtle understated benefits of quitting gaming I've experienced as well. Your daily interactions with people become more enjoyable and valuable as you are more present in the moment, not constantly yearning for a future session of gaming.
  7. Day 28, TodayI was again able to run the full route I take and back to my home without stopping, building on the success that I achieved this yesterday. It's actually mind blowing to me when I reflect that I'm waking up at 6AM. I used to wake up at 11AM-1PM regularly. That's an improvement of 5-6 hours of available time in my day, let alone the differences in energy levels. I'm beginning to respect my time a little better now. I read my book on my bed today which was a mistake. I naturally felt sleepy, I had gotten 7 hours or so of sleep which is plenty but the fact that I was sitting on my cushy bed seduced me into feelings of drowsiness. New action plan is to read only on the living room sofa where it is not warm and cozy so I am forced to put my full attention to reading. This drowsiness I felt affected the effectiveness of how well could read and made me spend a little longer than I needed to. I rearranged the back garden stairs to have bark on the left and right sides, this provided contrast between the lighter colour of bricks with the darkness of the bark. Small changes but I think it has a nicer overall look . I was going to watch some more Bates Motel today but remembered that my sister had asked me to see if there were any movies to watch. Instead of watching Bates Motel seperate from her, I decided to watch a movie together with her. She asked for an action movie and I saw a poster for a film that looked like it might involve some martial arts. To my surprise it wasn't merely a martial arts film but something quite dramatic and spectacular. The film made me cry multiple times, I haven't cried in ages - not many things move me that emotionally. I don't want to spoil the story but highly recommend it if you like a 'moving' film. It's a Korean film so you will need subtitles, but it is worth it. It's called Along with the Gods: The Two Worlds. I made griddled vegetables & feta with tabbouleh tonight, it was very delicious and healthy. https://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/cheese-recipes/griddled-vegetables-feta-with-tabbouleh/ I found myself bewildered alot when making these recipes. Alot has to do with my self-esteem. I asked my sister several times for confirmation of understanding of how the recipe is to be followed before relying on my own understanding. This is a bad habit that I still continue and need to be more aware of If I want to change it. It's quite hard because it's automatic, my thought process is that I will reach the goal (cooking dinner) if I just get to the answers quicker. This however keeps me dependent on others approval and forges the continual lack of self-efficacy. This happens when I do other activities but namely in activities that require precise execution. This is quite important for me as I think it's the main reason I think of myself as incompetent to work. Maybe this is just a continuation of victim mentality. I talked to my Dad again, I feel we are slowly building back a healthier relationship with these phone calls. This might be a healthy habit worth introducing in my daily regimes --- to contact family members / friends more regularly. It provides a deep level of satisfaction and especially self-acceptance that I have the courage to mend my long-neglected relationships. We ended the phone call hesitatingly wanting to say bye like we didn't want to hang up the phone. Huh, cute ain't it :D Anyways sleep is awaitin'
  8. No, I understood you. You're saying the addiction to games makes one avoid their challenges in life and because their challenges get harder to deal with by not practicing discipline/time-management and everything else required to complete a goal or task we turn back to gaming to escape it - a downward spiral. Your English is comprehensible.
  9. Day 27, I took some photos in the sunrise we get here, they're so dramatic. I meditated without guided meditation today, was a little less effective in that it's not as structured and I have to discipline myself to sit with the silence. Usually the soothing voices of guided meditations prove useful to the meditation itself. On the other hand, it offered a different degree level of peace because it was just me and the silence which felt more real. I'll try the unguided meditation again, with more determination tomorrow. I managed to run all the way today without stopping. Usually, I stop for 5-10 seconds for a breather and then back to jogging. I think this was attributed to the bedtime affirmations I did the night before. It's part of the Miracle Morning which I haven't integrated practically yet but it was very powerful. The affirmations almost bathes oneself in a positive energy that almost 'carried' me on my run today. That's how I felt it was just that tad easier where I had less obstructing negative thoughts or distractions. I plan to integrate all the Miracle Morning steps little by little, I find it a bit overwhelming and would like to become competent in each step. So far the waking up and running are quite habitual now. I've been spending the time after coming back from running by reading the Six Pillars of Self Esteem. I feel alot of my focus and energy is available in the morning for reading than night. I read a chapter about the child and parent relationship and how self-esteem is taught to be valued or minimized in a family. It's a very important chapter worth re-reading. I found myself nodding at several questions Branden poses to the reader about what values were instilled our household. Many were negative and a few positive, my angry teen inside me would like to lash out at my parents but I know that would fix nothing. Instead I am trying to take responsibility for the adult I want to become without identifying as a victim. In the next chapter it starts talking about how self-esteem is taught and transferred in schools and how most of our schools are set up to teach obedience over self-reliance with fear rather than good intentions. It's a very important topic I feel, so much of our identities and values are learnt from the adults which supervise us growing up. Yet many of the adults themselves don't realize the impact they are or could be having on children. If i were to have kids, I would like to have an action plan as to what values and boundaries are neccessary for the formation of a healthy self-esteem. After saying all this, I indulged in porn again :S I just get this urge at the back of my neck like a desire for dopamine to add some chaos to my life. It's one of my addictions that just randomly pops into my head like a hurricane every 2 or 3 days. I think it's appearing to self-sabotage my recent life progress. I don't beat myself up on it because I know that my primary goal is to quit gaming and so as long as I don't game, it's merely a bad habit. Ideally, I want to get rid of this addiction alongside gaming but baby-steps and measurable progress is what's gonna get to the place I want, not grandiose super-hero wishes. It's imperative that I deal with as it effects the woman and men I interact with and my concepts of relationships. Grateful for: Otto, my sister's dog who at any moment of the day or night can summon an unwavering playfulness with me which brightens any part of my day :) Family, cold showers, socks to keep my toes warm aaaaand Photographs. I talked to my older brother who is in Brisbane now, he sounds quite excited at his new job. I wonder why he calls me sometimes, over my sister. We had a little row when he was here a week ago or something, I think he was anxious about his situation and moving to Aussie. But he somehow magically stills calls me and it makes me feel a bit more appreciative of my own value. Maybe he talks to me for my insights or just because I'm simply his brother, either way it feels good to be wanted. I was working on the garden today and finished the first flight of stairs : Here's another favourite song of mine:
  10. I think most of us don't even know we're addicted and if we do realize we are addicted, we don't really know the procedure specifically designed to get over the hurdles that gaming abstinence presents us. Furthermore the act of gaming addiction reinforces itself to make the person not be able to help himself effectively since he/she spends the majority of their time and energy gaming. It usually takes an act of desperation to seek help or conscious effort. Another point is the long overdue 'recognition' that has been missing which factors to our lack of knowledge about gaming addiction. In a similar way gaming addiction draws parallels to how drugs are made illegal which forms a fog around the issue, generating a lack of understanding. If a drug is legal and 'visible', it can be researched with greater speed and effectiveness to be able to educate the wider public. Instead many societies like to control people through fear than true understanding/education. Because gaming addiction is not 'visible' in this same way, we simply don't talk about it enough as it is not recognized with importance; until ofcourse it hits home to the people closest to you or yourself. Gaming addiction is not really a traditional addiction when looking through the time of human history. If the dialogue between everyday people about gaming addiction isn't there, the solutions and realizations will be hard to come by. It also takes quite a bit of courage to post online here and admit we have an issue, many of us like to envision ourselves as happy with no problems but the reality says otherwise. Hopefully, as the issue gains increased awareness such as the recognition of gaming addiction by WHO, this dialogue between people will slowly start to expand. It's just a matter of time before people realize how detrimental it is to ignore this issue.
  11. Day 26, I woke up and found these birds sitting on our balcony soaking the sun, I chose to seize the moment and take a picture. https://flic.kr/p/24RDJdW I meditated using calm which has pretty good guided meditations but only 1 session per 'topic'. It's somewhat affecting my timeliness on meditating as I'm scrambling each day for a different audio each time. So new small goal: Doownload a bunch or pay for a plan. On to my run I go, running is quite enjoyable for me now. I like the feeling where my joints start off being creaky and then becoming heated and lubricated into my run. This acts as a precedent that the pain subsides and even becomes pleasurable if you just get going. I finished the first flight of ground in the back garden. I'm being too fussy with removing every fucking piece of bark and my progress is very slow. I need to make an action plan or this thing isn't gonna get done in any reasonable time. I've started a Google Doc to clarify this action plan. I intend to start with smaller flight of stairs, to break up this project in smaller, more manageable areas.The next step is to lay down weed matting so the weed doesn't creep through the brick pathway. This requires a few metal stakes to pierce through and hold firmly to the ground. I watched some more Bates Motel but only after I did this garden work and found myself only watching 2 episodes instead of completely binging, so I guess that's good. It's like when you've been more productive, you find less of a need to fill that empty vacuum with empty content. About the show however, it's pretty sad. I relate greatly with Norman as he's quite meek, talented in his specific field (taxidermy) and people appeasing with good intentions. On gaming - I haven't really thought about gaming at all in the last 2 weeks. The most recent conversation I'd had about it was about the grandness of the Dota 2 tournament, The International. I feel like I may want to watch the finals of it this year just because the quality of the games are so high, who knows maybe I will have forgotten about gaming completely by August. The main reason I find I have had a lack of gaming thoughts is because I've moved here with my sister. Her everyday presence makes me feel accountable in the face of her, to 'show up' and hold myself responsible. I had more gaming thoughts when I was back in Wellington, living alone. This simple dynamic has allowed me to raise the level of conciousness, even if it's slight, to a place where I'm drawn to the healthiness of human relationships over virtual ones with no accountability/responsibility. I've spent the majority of my life without either of these values with brief spells at Uni at which stage I was gaming and did not hone in on and solidify properly. So i'm finding my time right now to be the precious ground work. Here's another soothing song. I love chill songs :)
  12. Six Pillars of Self Esteem is the goldmine book to read. I've spent so much time gaming I've ignored what Branden teaches as the guideline to a healthy self-esteem in a person. This book makes me want to buy it and put it on a shelf and re-read it 3 times at least, as It is relative to all stages and areas of life as @JustTom also mentions. I find resolving my issue with self-esteem goes beyond merely helping with quitting gaming, but building the concrete foundation for a prosperous and healthy life.
  13. Day 25, Today was great. I slept in an hour longer than my usual Miracle Morning routine and was considering not running. I reminded myself that I need to be to persevere even when I didn't want to exercise so I still went :) If I want to keep this habit and actualize it and not just have it be a 'let's try this' habit, I need to be persistent. It's pretty crazy the weather we've gotten in the Bay of Plenty, it's been like 6-7 days of sun and bits of cloud. So I'm VERY grateful for this. I vacuumed the rest of the house and did my Spanish in the afternoon. My sister asked me if I was going to cook tonight and again, I hesitated and didn't feel like it. I had previously offered to and as part of the pillar of Integrity, I wanted to be congruent with what I said. So I cooked tonight and it was de-fucking-licious :D It was Lentel soup with Vegetables https://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/pork-recipes/store-cupboard-lentil-soup/ Highly recommend this, hearty, filling and nutritiously delicious meal. I put my phone on sale online, it's gotten to the point where It's not worth my time to fix. It cuts into my focus of getting other things done. My sister has used phone which she offered to me and gladly accepted so it's not all bad :) I'm beginning to be able to make decisions easier and with some confidence.
  14. Day 24, Same routines today. Alarm clock doesn't seem to be working anymore because I automatically wake up before it is able to wake me lol. I vacuumed the lounge and spent the rest of the day trying to revive this dead phone that doesn't want to come alive. It's sad because I know it's not dead (hard-bricked), but I don't know exactly what to do to make it work. Like fate doesn't want me to enjoy this luxury which I accept but fight for anyway. I like the challenge of troubleshooting hardware. I wish I could get this phone working, but would I very quickly become ungrateful after the few moments of it's use? I seek to become less detached from media earlier and here it is laughing at my face. I gave up on it thinking it was dead, it came alive and now it's dead again, teasing me with hope :) Here's a chillstep song, some emotions for youuuu...
  15. Day 23 It's a warm fuzzy feeling to begin to believe you are becoming more normal. That's what I felt today. The continuing early morning waking allows me to see others running, putting myself amongst people. It's a stark difference between the avoidance of gaming into the night. My sister gave me a generous taster of her spirulina smoothie and I was shortly startled. "Is this all for me?" I welcomed it with excitement, she had put honey in it so it wasn't just bitter but rather tasty. I see these brushes of kindness as silent universal messages for the progress I've been making. Usually, I feel uneasy of such benevolent notions of kindness but today I accepted it with grace. I transferred the lot of 200 bricks from the driveway to the garden which provided pretty good exercise. These bricks will be used for the footpath going up. Also sifted through the first flight of stairs' bark using some sieves. I am mainly extracting the bigger barks so they don't create uneven ground for the bricks to lay on. This project is going to take much longer than I thought. I plan to complete the first flight of stairs before moving to the next one to make measurable progress and see if things work out before overstretching. Practiced more Spanish, it's become my favourite activity of the day. Really want to get a low level of fluency so that I can make an order, book a room and all the other usual stuff before I travel. Sister made some nice easy stir-fry tonight and I plan to cook on Saturday. Trying to become more comfortable with cooking as it is fun, delicious and a source of self-efficacy and esteem for me. I got a pleasant surprise tonight. About a week ago I had tried to fix my phone with a deep flash cable. After the operation the phone didn't turn on. I sadly and quietly accepted it's fate. Now I turned on the phone on from a source of desperation and curiosity to see if anything budged. I connected the charging cable and the battery icon popped up. Previously, my phone had a complete black screen but I had a strong feeling it wasn't dead, now my findings proved this. So, this means my phone is quite likely fixable :) Grateful for: Family, cooking, technology, Perserverance and others kindnesses.
  16. Day 22 The last two days I have woken before my alarm bell has rung, either in anticipation or excitement; I like to think it's the latter. The alarm bell is so loud, I'm like automatically trying to save myself from the pain. I've been trying to meditate unguided but isn't as good as easy to get into as a guided session so will try to use calm instead of headspace. Headspace is a gorgeous app worth the money but it I cannot afford it, either way there are free alternatives. During my morning run, I saw two individuals that were using their cameras and I wanted to speak to them about photography, maybe to shoot together, etc. I didn't put the effort to do so and missed an opportunity :( I hoped the first guy would still be where he was on my way back but he'd disappeared into thin air. I didn't expect these keen photographers during my run, but that's life - expect the unexpected. Again I watched more Bates Motel. The series has me fascinated because we were taught to watch (maybe admire) Hitchcock's films at Uni. I find Norman Bates quite relatable, not that I am a killer but because of his struggles. TV shows are made so insidiously. They spoon feed you bit by bit, leaving you in a dry desert and have your thirst quenched with new plot openings at the end of the episode. I am beginning to be disappointed in most mediums with the type of content the majority is exposed to. I usually don't watch many series, only ones I deem high quality mainly through cinematography, story or acting. When I get started on one, I feel the need to finish it. I worked a little on the back garden stairs, sifting through more of the soil to to remove the bark. Its a much bigger job than I initially thought. I talked to my father tonight since over a year ago and was pretty happy, as we don't have the most steady relationship. He sounded excited about my progresses and I acknowledged this with real happiness this time. Slowly my relationship with him is becoming more friendly, forgiving and fun :) My sister made fettuccine tonight, was very yum but I had naughty seconds :( ;) I had been talking so long with my dad, the food was eaten already by the others and my plate sat there cold. After eating, I talked with my sister's partner a bit too much and delayed my Spanish learning but realised it was time to go and got it done in the end. Grateful for: laughter, language, learning, love and running.
  17. The only thing I can suggest is exercise, whenever I'm feeling bad in anyway it has been the best remedy for all pent up energies and anxieties. I don't have experience of family deaths but I think you're probably beyond normal anxieties and possibly in the realm of suppressed emotions. Again just go exercise, you won't want to do it but it will make you feel better.
  18. I think Facebook from an intention point of view started good...it used to be about connecting with friends primarily. I stopped using it after I left uni, as I realised I was binging on it and becoming depressed by comparing myself to others 'happy' moments. It's also gotten out of hand with the advertising and endless content structure. You click, one picture, and your sent to another, constantly providing the casual peruser with unlimited sources of dopamine. Its very similar to gaming, and heck they actually have games on the website. I can appreciate others being able to use it for social activities or meetups but I'd rather use Meetups.com/app or plain email/text/call to get in touch with people. Facebook is too loose of a socialising app, its akin to turning on the TV and being exposed to everything. I occasionally check a person I'm curious about from my Uni days but am quickly reminded of how depressed I get using it and X out of it. Obviously this isn't Facebook's fault but my own issues.
  19. Day 21 It's a weird feeling waking up, meditating and jogging before others have even got out of their room to have breakfast. I guess I can take it as a sign that I'm on the right track. I read the rest of Respawn. I really need to write my goals, I've been procrastinating too long. So far I have backyard steps to work on. I hypothetically set the deadline for Friday. It involves excavating the existing bark and making the surface even for bricks to be laid a path on. I've removed the preexisting weed matting and discovered a lot of weeds strong holding themselves to the soil. More work seems to be in order. I find it very difficult to set goals, becoming anxious and distracting myself by eating or doing some other mindless activity. I will try tomorrow to acknowledge my anxious feelings around planning/goal setting and let them flow through and see what they feel like. Tonight, I cooked a BBQ bean dish with baked Sweet potato and dollops of yoghurt. I misread teaspoon for tablespoon of chilli flakes and made it extra spicy. Fortunately the yoghurt was our saviour. Here's the recipe https://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/vegetables-recipes/bbq-baked-beans/ I'm trying to stay away from meat as it is cheaper to not buy meat but also we tend to eat more meat than we need. Grateful for: conversations, water, dogs, birds singing, sunlight, food.
  20. Day 20 I forgot to log yesterday. My sister and her partner are back, a welcoming addition of interaction for me. I ended up smoking and being lazy most of this Easter holiday. As soon as I started getting high, my production levels plummeted. Seems like I have to leave behind cannabis as well to get to where I want. I binge watched Bate's Motel for 2 seasons. As good as the shows are these days with writing, acting and set design, they don't really impact your life besides being a distraction. I kinda think maybe if I get deep enough in the story, the surmounting plot will lead to something dramatic and profound giving value to the viewer. But after I stop watching, the hours and days later pass and I reflect how that time could've been spent. Have kept up practicing Spanish still :). Back to reading more self esteem book, today's chapter being on self acceptance, this one's pretty big issue for me I feel. Through a lot of my experiences I've had in life, it has shaped me into disowning my attributes and self from that low level base of self esteem. The methods Branden advises in the book is to accept your self part by part and to bring it into your awareness, for it is only then you are able to change it. Accepting doesn't mean 'liking' but allowing the feel to flow through and not resisting it. And if you're resisting, try letting the resistance 'flow' through. Daylight savings has arrived and the sun magically goes down an hour earlier now. The hardest part of the year for me is approaching.
  21. Day 18. My siblings are visiting some family elsewhere for the long Easter weekend. I started my morning at 6am this time. I found it more powerful than waking up after the sun rises. There's a lot of tranquility in the time in between pitch black darkness and sunrise that provides a solemn period for the Miracle Morning. Meditation was easier as no one was awake and I could be assured no one would interrupt me sitting on the living room couch. Watched a bunch of photography tutorials brushing up on basics. Learnt more Spanish, its getting harder now. Grateful for exercise and music.
  22. Day 17 Mowed the lawn today. The Miracle Morning has become fun to play over the last few days. We made pizza tonight such a friendly way of sharing food :) Everyone got to make their own variations with a selection of toppings. Grateful for the Sun warming us up with courage and energy.
  23. Day 16 Today, I woke up really easily with the new clock, I'm getting happier about waking up slowly :) I began the morning with a quick ten minute meditation and put on my running clothes. The sun came up very warm with orange heat as I ran past the beach. I wish I had my camera with me. I can do it tommorow. FOr now here's a link to my recent photography: https://www.flickr.com/photos/sightfulproductions/ My siblings plan to go back down south for Easter for the long weekend. I'm deciding to stay here and continue working n the house and build better habits. We usually cook kebabs on an outdoor charcoal fire, its one of my favourite foods but it is also quite heavy... A lot of middle eastern dishes are. I'm enjoying earning about self respect, I wish they would teach these things school as mandatory class. I feel much of western education looks at ticks and boxes instead of the individual. I did meet two teachers that left an imprint one me. One an English teacher, the other a History teacher. Both encouraged me to be my best as saw me as a valuable, I still haven't forgiven their names. Grateful for caring teachers. Grateful for the sweat on my skin to remind me there's more running to do. Grateful for water.
  24. Arch

    90 days

    I wish I was there sounds like a positive atmosphere with a legitimate concern for our addictions by parents and realising "Hey this thing is real, it needs attention right now." Glad to see more awareness finally around the issue :)