NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
DaBest
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Posts posted by DaBest
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Sound bowls are really cool. A very chill dude I knew in college had one of those and ran meditation sessions. It's surprisingly peaceful.
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Well, unless you completely destroyed your circadian rhythm, which I would assume is pretty difficult to do, you can probably get to a normal sleep cycle with enough work. I think you hit the nail on the head though that you had this habit for 15 years to help you sleep--some thing that you expect to happen before your brain thinks its time to sleep--and it tries to cue you in to finish the habit loop with the adrenaline.
I haven't been keeping up with many other's journals recently...have you tried creating a cue for sleep to replace what porn used to be? I wonder if that might help not just with your sleep, but with the porn as well.
Also, I'm not an expert in any of these things. Yay pop science.
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Not sure if you wrote about this before, but do you have a skincare routine? Would that help any? I started doing a little bit recently when I got tired of all the blackheads I have. Seems to help a bit.
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Work day. Felt low-grade stressed all day, but I didn't feel massively depressed like recently. I guess that's a win.
Got home and messed around for a bit, probably because I'm a little tired. That extra bit of sleep makes a huge difference in how I feel.
It's going to be relatively easy to meet my sleep and internet goals this week. I need to get up early from Thursday through next week. I only have off on Saturday, and I'm trying to organize a golf thing, which is the first thing I'm organizing in almost a year (fuck you, Covid). Feels a little empowering.
I did some more of the happiness course tonight. It's challenging a lot of the things I believe and do. I wouldn't be surprised if my general mood is based significantly on my habits. I'll be a little pissed at myself, but grateful for the chance to change.
Things I'm grateful for: knowledgeable co-workers, this happiness course I'm taking, warm weather and the sun, fancy butter, math.
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@Erik2.0, TV is tempting isn't it? It fills a void when we don't have something else to fill it, whether it's people or a hobby.
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Today was just a work day. I felt mad stressed getting into work. It felt like all the alarm bells in my head were going off before I even got there. It calmed down a bit as I got through some key items.
Talked with my therapist again today. I was happy to report I wasn't nearly as miserable last week. We talked a lot about how golf has filled a lot of unmet needs I've been striving for a long time now. Now it's a matter of just building on that especially at home. I also promised him I'd be off the computer no less than 15 minutes before bed. So 10:45. That should be doable--it's not like I'm doing an hour like last time.
Part of the happiness course I'm taking is asking to also journal about 5-10 things I'm grateful for everyday. I honestly scoffed a lot at these things in the past, but one of the videos made me change my mindset. I do spend a lot of time thinking of the things I don't have, and it's immensely frustrating and takes up so much mental bandwidth. If I'm going to rebuild my life, I'm going to need as much mental bandwidth as possible. Here goes:
I am grateful for: my therapist, who has been a steadying rock and is like the father I wish I had; my car, because being able to travel is a huge luxury; a bedtime, which helps me get more sleep and keeps me more sane; my job, since it pays the bills and a lot of people don't have them right now; my friend in Bangladesh, who accepts me as I am.
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@Erik2.0, yeah, it's a bit of a money pit. I'm lucky. Keep trying with finding a new hobby though. If it doesn't work, at least you might have some good stories to tell afterwards, or at least a new skill.
With regards to the habit. I haven't really been working for a new hobby to replace while I'm at home yet. Long-term, that will be important. I've historically been not so good at this in the past though, so right now I'm just trying to get to some basics with self-care.
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Yesterday was better than most weekends have gone recently. Went to a driving range and went grocery shopping. I was out of the house for four hours. Golf gets me very zen and focused on the moment. I'm not thinking about anything else except improving on the next shot. That's a good analogy for life, and if I can apply that elsewhere, that will be the most useful thing from golf. I used the tripod I bought, and improved my driver swing quite a bit, and the progression makes me motivated.
I ended up staying up a little late. but I went to bed much earlier than last Saturday night. I got up early today to hang with my friend in Bangladesh, online. We couldn't meet up last week so that was nice to catch up with him. Afterwards, I went out to golf again, cooked, and did laundry when I got home. Again, it's so nice to be outside and so focused. Today I focused on my iron swings, and it was by far the most consistent practice I've had yet.
I did waste a bunch of time both days and did not work on actual work stuff this weekend like I said I would. I didn't really improve myself too much this weekend.
I am proud that I was able to get to bed generally around 11:15 last week. I'm going to try and get to bed at 11 this week. This actually cuts down on the internet a lot, since a lot of these hours are spent in the early morning hours.
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@Erik2.0, glad to hear you are getting a new therapist. It's really important to find one that works for you. I've had some who were memorable and eye-opening, and others like that one guy I mentioned who just suck. I hope it works out for you.
Golf is a bit expensive. I'm blessed in that I have a well paying job and no family to speak of, so I have enough disposable income where I don't have to worry about going to the range often. If you do want to look into it at some point, I bought all my clubs and bag and thrift stores for around $100 in total, which is much cheaper than the thousands people will spend on a new full set of clubs. Also, if you stick to public courses, it seems to be cheaper, but I've only played one round of golf so what do I know? For me right now, it's an investment in my mental health, and it has made me so much happier relative to the past few months. Also, I've been getting many more social opportunities recently, which is by far the best part.
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Work was stressful today. It left me tired and with a massive headache when I got home. I should probably work some this weekend to catch up. I should also not think of it as jail, but as something that will keep me off the computer as well as beneficial to society.
After work, I wanted to go to the driving range badly. I had a nice time when I was there, even chatting up a random person. It was okay, but it was far better than being stuck home alone. I found myself judging myself hard afterwards, which I realized was stupid.
My swing got a little better too. I watched a video beforehand and made an adjustment to my swing. It helped for a little bit, but towards the end my swings got way worse. After I ran out of balls, I practiced putting until sunset cause I didn't want to go home. It was nice out. It beats going on the computer, which I promptly did once I got home. At some point I'll need to start whittling away at that habit like I did in the past.
Going to bed before 11:15.
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Thanks @Icandothis and @Erik2.0. This is my second therapist that I've tried for this issue and have really appreciated working with him. He listens 100% of the time, and asks good questions. The last person I worked with was constantly distracted and never really listened. It's a night and day difference.
Yesterday was weird. I was at work late. It was stressful, and I had to be very conscious of my mood throughout the day. I spent a little bit of time meditating as rationally as I could about the work, and found solace in the realization that not many people could do what I do, or handle as much work as I have been. The rest of the year is going to be crunch time, so I stayed late a bit.
After work I went to Target to buy a small iPhone tripod so I can watch my swing at the driving range. When I was working with the sales rep, I mentioned this and he mentions he loves golf, had wanted to go to the course I went to a few days ago, and doesn't go nearly as often as he wants since his circle of family and friends doesn't enjoy it that much. Completely out of my character and only having just met the person, I suggested we go at some point. We exchanged numbers. That's some weird shit that's never happened before.
Talking to strangers and having that connection happen instantly feels incredibly validating. It also gives me hope that this can be part of a way to be part of or build the community I've been lacking. Because of that, I'm instantly hooked. It makes it much easier to stay focused and not do dumb stuff like stay on my computer until 3 AM because the effects of that impacting other activities. Again, that should be the case anyway, but I lost sight of that.
After that, I went home, didn't putz around for nearly as long, and actually fell asleep on my couch before 11:15. I also did some more of the happiness course and finished the first week's material. It's been thought provoking and I have made a few small changes as a result of it. I hope this continues.
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Thanks @Erik2.0. I had a metric ton of fun today. I really enjoyed it. It was beautiful out and I was going with some fun people. That said I might of set a Guinness world record of 91 over par (for a beautiful 162 strokes). I need more stuff like that in my life.
Also, I'm not even mad about how poorly I did. I've only been practicing for a few weeks, and the course I went to is not particularly forgiving when one slices the ball.
Drinking with my co-workers afterward was nice too. Some of what we talked about made me re-evaluate my attitude towards my work, which could be improved.
Going to bed on time tonight.
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Well, I lost track of time. Going to bed now. Much better than last night at least!
This morning was nice. I took a sort-of personality test from that happiness course last night, and the "homework" for the class is to take the key strengths from that and spend some more time using them every day. My top strength was "judgment." It was kind of a weird thing to practice, but I had an idea to judge myself rationally and with a bit more compassion while I meditated for a few minutes. I felt much better after doing that, surprisingly, and was even excited to go to work. This would be a nice skill to develop for while I'm at work too.
I was mad stressed at work today. I felt borderline sick at some point. I went for a bit of a walk outside and felt better. I'm really going to start hunkering down through the end of the year and putting some more time in. That said, this isn't tenable long-term and I started to consider looking for work elsewhere again. That went by the wayside when I went crazy for the past few months.
I also had a golf lesson today. I really enjoyed the instructor I was working with--he was clearly very knowledgeable, and more importantly, passionate about golf. He was really engaged with what was going on with my swing. It was a lot to take in all at once though, and it was a little overwhelming. I still slice the ball something fierce, but the rate at which I can hit it straight and far is improving. I'm playing my first legit round of golf tomorrow and I am very stoked, though I know I'm going to eat it big time. Hopefully I just don't hit anyone, ha.
And to that point, I'm getting to work very early tomorrow. Good stuff.
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Fell off the wagon a bit, but not into the pits where I was prior. I bit off more than I could chew with my last set of goals. For now I'm going to just keep the sleep goal and push it up to 11:15. I just want to get consistent with that again. Didn't meet that tonight though, but the goal is in place for tomorrow.
Golf has actually helped me cope a bunch. I really look forward to it on the weekends. It's a few hours of just being outside and taking out frustration on a small object without feelings. It also feels nice to improve and adjust. I have a lesson tomorrow and I'm actually going legit golfing on Wednesday with some co-workers. Some hope, finally.
I also met with my therapist today. I'm going to be doing weekly sessions for the time being since I've been all over the place recently. I also started taking a popular course on the science of happiness on Coursera that he recommended. I'm hoping I can develop some new habits from that. This was the primary reason for why I'm up late right now, at least it wasn't from something stupid.
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Mundane day. Got to work a little earlier, got out late again. I messed around a bit when I got home and I'm up later than I wanted, and on the internet. I did watch a golf video for a drill I can do at home and not destroy any furniture. I have a lesson tomorrow which I'm excited for.
I'm going to meditate for a little and go to bed. I was reading some an academic review on meditation and aspects of depression, and realized how a lot of my internal thoughts are not helping me at all, and how a lot of the way that I think actually sets me up to get trapped in loops. Meditation personally helps me a bunch with this. I got away from it recently but this makes me inspired to do more.
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Today started out kind of rough. I felt about the same as when I went to bed last night, which was a 1/10. Really didn't want to do anything or go to work. Got in a little later than I would've liked but still got in 8 hours. The crazy thoughts wore off as the day wore on. I was very grateful for that. I also think I found the root cause for an work issue that's been vexing me for the past week, which also made me feel a bit better.
Because I got in late and because I was a bum and didn't cook last weekend--which I didn't consider last night--I ended up grocery shopping and cooking a ton of food, especially since I've been eating out a lot when at work. I actually put a bit of effort into it this time and was pleased with the results. I also didn't buy any garbage food while I was out, which I've been doing a lot of recently. Admittedly, I am disappointed in not working out today. I'll stretch a bit before bed.
I did end up staying on the Internet past 10 and stayed up past 11. I was a little bit of just not caring once I realized I didn't meet my goal, but at least it's not full-blown stay up til 3 AM. I also did watch a golf video to keep that hobby moving forward.
I also texted my therapist and asked to schedule weekly sessions on Mondays since I seem to become so unstable on weekends and from how much I scared myself last weekend. We didn't meet today, but that will be a good change going forward.
Today wasn't perfect, but I am happy with how it turned out compared to how it started.
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I've been away for a while so I hadn't read about your diagnosis. I am sorry to hear about the diagnosis. You are an absolute trooper. I will absolutely keep you and your family in my prayers.
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I did it--one week straight of going to bed before 11:30. Might not happen tonight because of this post and other things, but we will see. As long as I get to bed at a semi-reasonable hour tonight I'll be happy. I usually stay up latest on Monday's because of work anxiety.
I hung out with my friend online for a few hours today. It didn't feel particularly fulfilling. I medicated with YouTube for the rest of the day. When I stopped a few hours ago, I felt immense anguish. I went for a walk to clear my head and it only helped somewhat. Got back home and went to a really dark place for a bit, which was promptly alleviated by YouTube. YouTube is sometimes the only thing that gets me through the pain.
I don't feel particularly rational right now. I just feel empty and ashamed at how poorly I've managed all my relationships to this point, and how difficult it gets with each passing day to form new ones and make them strong. Right now all I have is work and YouTube. I hate this. My hobbies were shot to bits. My friends went away. The semblance of a relationship with my asshole father is falling apart. I was trying so fucking hard. I thought I was getting close to fixing it all. It just never seems to end. Twenty years of the same patterns repeating themselves. I feel immensely disconnected and don't see a way out, especially with what's going on in the world. I don't think I could handle another lockdown.
I have to at least try to be rational though. There is a part of me that still hasn't given up, which for some reason makes me feel sad. There's things I can do to make things less bad. If that weren't true, I wouldn't have tried to go to bed early last week.
First, I should start going to bed at 11. It means I will see more sunlight, and leave work earlier. I should try this for this week.
Second, I need to fill this hole with something. This is where I struggle. I need to remember I've chosen golf as a new activity and one I'm going to have to spend some time to learn. I do have a lesson on Wednesday. On Monday or Tuesday, I would like to visit a thrift store to pick up a driver. I want to go to the range on Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday, and on the weekend I want to leave my apartment no later than 9 AM. On all the days where I can't practice, I want to work out. If I stick with the hobby long enough, I will make friends.
Third, to free up the time and some of the constant shame I feel, this week I don't want to be on the internet past 10 PM, and I don't want to watch anything gaming related.
I have to actually try not being a loser for once.
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6 days straight.
Today was boring. I think some of my next steps will be to better construct my weekends. I did work out though, so I don't feel super terrible.
Its a weird thing to be proud of, and I'm still relatively messed up right now, but it's something.
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5 days in a row in bed early! Holy moly.
Felt very tired today. Just stress from the week and my diet being out of whack.
Didn't really workout much today. Still a bit of a vegetable when I got home. That's fine though--this week was a baby step.
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Tonight will be the fourth night in a row I'll be in bed, aiming for a full 8 hours. I'm pretty gobsmacked about this.
I felt kinda tired today. I have been waking up a bunch in the middle of the night despite getting to bed early.
Unfortunately, I will not do a workout tonight because I rode the relaxation train pretty hard. I should probably do that before dinner instead of after, while I'm still in work-mode somewhat.
Best news is I am much more even-keel right now.
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I cannot remember the last time I got eight hours of sleep for two consecutive work nights, period. I'm assuming it's happened before, but I don't remember it. Unsurprisingly, I feel less shitty when I'm not on four hours of sleep.
Today went reasonably well. I was somewhat productive at work. Not too stressed. Got home and relaxed. I'm going to work out for a bit too. It won't be a full workout, but it's better than where I've been. I think it's another step in the right direction.
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Thank you @BooksandTrees, @Erik2.0, and @gargamel. Reading your messages just put a smile on my face just now.
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Today actually started off much better. I can't remember when the last time I got 8 hours of sleep before a workday, and I didn't remember how focused I was and how much better I could handle the stress. I also was not nearly as depressed when I got home.
I cooked a meal I saw off of Gordon Ramsay's YouTube channel today. Turned out really well. It was way better than what I've been eating recently.
Things are not perfect, but at least I can take pride in the fact that the last 48 hours have been better than usual, and that I've taken positive steps forward.
Going to bed now, goal met. Goodnight all.
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Thanks @Erik2.0, glad to see you're still here and still positive. I appreciate that, really. It doesn't really help that you say you don't have friends either--there are many like us out there.
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I'll be going to bed shortly, before 11:30.
I felt like trash this morning. I was very on edge today. However, I was very lucky and was able to meet with my therapist. I told him everything, as awkward as it is to admit my current state. It put a lot of things into perspective. I was able to get a lot more rational about things. We also talked about meds, but I'm convinced that it's the fact that my life isn't in order which is why I'm feeling so bad. Not writing it off completely, but to me that's a last resort.
At the end of our conversation, I cried a bit on the inside when he said I was important. For a brief moment it filled a hole in my soul which has been there for years. It was something short and simple, but jarring in comparison to how I was feeling. One tiny ray of light amidst a cave of darkness. Yeah, I'm paying him, but it was genuine. I can only hope that at some point I feel that way more often.
I'm in a much better spot now, and have some of the hope that I completely lost the other day.
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Well, fuck. Here goes.
Things are not good, which I guess is the same for a lot of people right now. Overview for the past few months:
-Severe depression and lonliness. I've been crying a bunch recently, even at work.
-Both of my main friend groups, including my improv team, basically dissolved.
-Only solace is work, but work still stresses me out.
-Basically told my boss I was going to walk out as soon as I found employment elsewhere due to some serious BS at work. He left. New boss I'm assuming heard what I said and I got a 15% raise without asking, along with talk of promotion within a year. Also, I'm working in a new area now, which is stressful, but is at least a good learning experience. I can't help but feel like a slave though.
-Workout at home game has gotten sidelined.
-Meditation may has saved my ass more than once. So has my therapist.
-No dancing or going out since it's all closed. I'm trying to get into golf as a new hobby that's a bit lockdown-proof.
-Intense anger towards my father at times. Blew up at him over the phone once from just years of resentment, during which I'm genuinely surprised the cops weren't called on me for noise or people thinking an actual fight was going on. Can hardly bear to talk to him.
-I've been all over the place with gaming. Did some online stuff a while back with two friends, one of whom I've lost all touch with, but that also seemed to be the general path of things for about a year up to that point. Went overboard with StarCraft 2. Redownloaded LoL for a day, and thankfully haven't gone back. I do watch LCS and whatnot when it's live to numb the pain.
-With my other friend, we've been playing XCOM and XCOM 2 together on weekends--he streams, I advise, as he knows my problems. One day I was feeling very down though and bought XCOM 2 myself, which was the first money I spent on a game in 10 years. Promptly deleted after playing for 8 hours, which was not bad all things considered.
-In a weird way, gaming, especially with that one friend has been a Godsend. That's all I have to look forward to right now, or at least that's how it feels sometimes. The pain of being a fuck-up who has lost many of the few friends I could muster is unbearable at times, along with the corresponding silence.
-I'm beginning to wonder if I'm a bit bipolar. I've had crazy mood swings from feeling completely dead inside to feeling like there's no doubt I'm going to fix everything. Recently it's been happening with higher frequency, and honestly I'm a bit scared. That said, a lot of these swings are from the combined stress.
The hardest part about this is that I know what's causing this--the lack of connection--but with everything that's going on in the world, it doesn't seem like there's a quick way of remedying that. I feel hopeless at times, which is new. The lonliness was bad enough, and the hoplessness just makes it feel five times worse.
Writing this makes me feel like a huge pussy, but it's the truth and if I don't put it here, I'm going to explode.
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I need to start fighting this again. Even if the world were to stay locked down, I cannot keep making this harder for myself than it already is, and I have to learn to bear my cross.
My only goal for this week is to be in bed by 11:30 every night, and to document it here. Sleep cycle is a bit fucked and it's not helping things. I'm going to start all over again. Start building the habits up and not give up on life, like I honestly have for the past three months.
Memento mori but not like this.
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Today went ok.
Got up late because I was up late. I meditated a bit in the morning to calm down, and then I cleaned my house thoroughly. Cleared up a lot of mental space, and even though I missed a few hours of work for this, I worked a little late and was far more focused then I have been recently. Also meditated a few more times throughout the day as I noticed I was drifting into escapism, just so I could reset.
I avoided YouTube today, thank goodness.
I feel a lot better right now. I'm going to turn off my laptop now, and if I keep it off, it will be the earliest I've turned it off in a while.
Tomorrow, I want to get to work by 9 and work a solid day. I might work out if I have time too.
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Thank you all for the well wishes. I really appreciate it.
@Alexanderle agree completely. I'm probably going to up the televisits with my therapist to weekly from every other week. Freely chosen human contact is the best thing, and we've basically done away with that. It will take some adjusting at first, but people are resilient. I heard divorce rates were up in some areas though, haha.
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Past two days were long, but productive. Got the pipe fixed early that Monday, and my co-worker who was on-call for my area really set me up well for success, so while there was a lot to do, it was manageable. He even helped out some more on Monday. I was at work pretty much all day Monday.
Had to go back in (to follow up on the same thing) very early today. Supposed to be in and out in an hour. Took eight. It was well worthwhile though, because we uncovered the true root cause for why that pipe broke, and we were able to fix it quickly. Kept the process going. Feels good. Got home, took a nap and did more work. Long day, but I felt remarkably sane and focused during it.
After I messed around quite a bit after calling my folks. It's late again. I'm gonna meditate for a bit and go to bed. I need to stay busy or sleep I guess.
Tomorrow, I want to give myself a break from YouTube except for music if I choose.
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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline
in Daily Journals
Posted
Thanks, @Erik2.0, though unfortunately I had to cancel the hangout because we are going to get rain all day. The happiness course is helping a bit when I remember to follow the activities.
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I home late last night and stayed up late, despite having to come into work very early for contractors. Also stayed late today. I did something a bit reckless and went to the driving range after work since I did a decent job today, and because I realize Saturday is going to be a complete washout. It was a hit-and-miss practice. I noticed I wasn't having as much fun since I wasn't swinging well for half the time. I need to focus more on the enjoyable parts. On the bright side though, I can hit my pitching wedge with a hint of accuracy.
I'm going to bed now. Lack of sleep sends me back down bad paths. Thankfully I didn't have time to do that today.