DaBest

Day 222 No VG - 222 days, journaling - 5 days left, no sports news - 37 days, NF - 2 days, SOB - 3 days, NNO59 - 7 days left Very stressed out at work today, but I'm handling it better than I would've if I was where I was earlier this year. I just feel sick and crappy, not spiraling down into ideation territory like I was over the summer. I had to leave work midday to go to the doctor's, and when I got back, I just sat in my car for a bit and meditated. I was so freaking tense. I still don't know entirely what the root cause of all this work stress is though. I have an idea of what it is, but I feel like what I've written and thought about it isn't the full root of the stress. Maybe it's a combination of the absurd workload, the fact that I care, and that I'm a low-esteem perfectionist that puts me in such a state. If this is true, I can find a new job, stop caring, or build up my self esteem. The first seems eventual, the second seems impractical, and the last is the only definite which I should/am trying to do. I spent two hours after hours at work today trying to problem solve my job and work on my organizational skills. I created a skeleton project file structure and a project charter template that will help me evaluate new projects and hurdles that will need to be overcome at the outset. I sometimes rush headlong into something or miss seeing certain hurdles, which hinders my effectiveness as a project manager/engineer. This is a step in the right direction. In other news, I maintained all of my habits today, which is great. One of my next habits next week will be no Internet (except podcasts or music on my phone) after 10. That will help me keep a more steady sleep cycle which will improve my performance and keep me more emotionally stable.

Day 221 No VG - 221 days, journaling - 6 days left , no sports news - 36 days, NF - 1 day (woo!), SOB - 2 day, NNO59 - 8 days left. Work was kind of brutal today. Too much going on. It's stressful, and my emotions are swinging like crazy as a result. I had to take a moment in the middle of my day to just collect myself, and I was very grateful when a co-worker stopped over to just chat and joke. It put me in a much better frame of mind, and I was able to get back to work after with a clearer mind. The gym today was quite helpful too. I think I need to start going to weekly therapy through January. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff, emotionally speaking. I cannot afford to lose my shit now. I need to stay focused on solving problems. That's literally what I'm paid to do. It's good I have so many so they can't fire me. I need to shoulder this burden as best I can at least for the next year. Going to bed now. Peace.

Same here as @BooksandTrees. I've gone that route and eventually I'm back to old habits, though that's more similar to you as it's more fantasy than porn for me. Personally, I like the extra energy and extroversion I have when I'm on a streak. I also have zero interest in women when I'm masturbating, which is bad. I'm just feel empty or dead. It's weird.

No problem. Just trying to help where I can. There's a lot to unpack with what you said. If we are talking about strangers, there's definitely more tension when looking at or smiling at a different person. There's a lot of different dynamics at play--your/their intent, your/their views on the world/past experiences, what they're thinking, your body language, dress, etc.--that all will dictate their response. With social skills you can receive better responses to your "offers" on average, but even then there's a lot going on with the other person that's out of your control. This can be intimidating for people like you or I. The best path forward is to just try and give value/good vibes without expecting anything in return, and then not giving a damn if you get a negative response, because you can't account for someone else's 20+ years of social conditioning. To make this easier, any kind of hobby where you see the same people consistently (preferably working together in some way), will naturally lubricate a lot of that friction. It gives you, as well as the other person, more chances to view the other and calm fears that the other person isn't some kind of a threat. My first big leap in social skills is when I joined a sports team back in middle school, and I went from social pariah, to someone who could kind of form a small social circle. Would highly recommend sports or something physical if you can manage it. Improv has had a similar effect. Also, therapy. If it's an option, consider that too. Not being able to look at people is going to hinder your progress. There may be more there that needs unpacking. I'm markedly different when I'm on NoFap. I give far fewer you-know-what's and I generally have more energy. Masturbation itself absolutely floors me, and if I don't take a nap before I do something social, I'm just super tired and uninterested in everything. That's not good for social situations, haha. I also totally second doing the journal. The best parts are seeing progress (big reason video games are addictive) and being able to sift through the BS in your own logic that built up this habit/addiction in the first place. I personally find I do better when I post daily, which is why I'm still doing it even when my biggest issues at this point are not video games, though they will be if I start again.

Hi Erik, First of all, congrats on the ten days! That's a great first step. Yeah, I've been more successful in pushing my comfort zone in some areas rather than others, probably first and foremost was that I did not consider myself a funny person. I kind of knew things changed a bit once I opened up to people, but I had a harder time doing so. I started doing improv this past year and I ended up joining an indie team. We've been doing a bunch of shows and I found out today that we might be getting a paid gig, which is absolutely wild. But the best part from doing all this is that I'm a much more open person in general, not just with humor. Right now my three main hobbies are improv, bodybuilding, and salsa dancing. Improv for the aforementioned reasons. Bodybuilding is recent due to back problems I am having, and I've always wanted to be an athlete of sorts. Salsa dancing I'm picking back up because I need help with romantic relationships with women. There are others too, but I've had too many that I've started and dropped for one reason or another.

Well, it's great to have you here, Alexanderle! Welcome! I still feel like a social cripple in many ways, but when I think back to how I was five years ago, it's like night and day. For me, it started with a few things: 1) NoFap 2) Starting to (at least try) to spend less time on video games and the internet. 3) Actually learning about social skills, and then putting them into practice. I started out in a bad place. I used to think that being socially awkward was a curse, a genetic malady, and something that is fixed. I was also unable to make any small talk with a cashier. NoFap started to rewire my brain a bit, and I started to naturally have more energy and confidence, which made interacting with people easier. Spending less time on the internet and video games helped too as those were (and still are) my crutches and my comfort zone. Naturally, now that I had more time on my hands and trying to rectify my own situation, I begrudgingly started to search "social skills" on Google. That's when I realized social skills are just that...skills. They aren't talents. These can be learned and practiced and turned into habit, just like you've been doing recently! The best way to do this is to just get reps and start talking to people (and before anyone else says anything, I lose track of this often myself, and this is medicine for myself, too). At this point, I'm very comfortable opening random conversations with friends-of-friends and people I've seen repeatedly, but I'm stuck on complete strangers and especially female strangers that I'm attracted to. Some of the resources I used to start were: 1) The Art of Charm podcast, particularly the toolbox episodes. Very good about breaking down very practical things like social cues (especially physical cues), conversation, charisma, etc. 2) Much later I read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Kind of a classic, but something that one can over apply and turn into a snivelly suck-up. Again, chock full of helpful practical things, especially learning how to listen and ask questions. 3) Models by Mark Manson. It's about picking up women, but there's a lot in there about understanding yourself and relationship dynamics which is really powerful once you understand. In a way, I feel I better understand how to put myself in someone else's shoes and understand what their desires are, both romantically and platonically. 4) Improv comedy. This was unexpected, but this teaches you how to talk about literally anything, forever. And humor. I have no doubts that you will improve your social skills provided you put in the work. Try stuff, experiment, see what works and what doesn't. I'm still progressing and learning and I still have some major hang-ups myself, but good lord are things better now. I hope this helps. I just got a little fired up, haha.

Day 220 No VG - 220 days, journaling - 0 days left (reupping for another seven), no sports news - 35 days, NF - reset..., SOB - 1 day, NNO59 - 7 days left. Yesterday was busy. Got to the gym, ran errands, had improv practice and a show, and my team went out for a bit after. I'm feeling it a bit today. Improv practice was very bad. I reverted to some bad habits. However, that was good to get out of my system as I was able to correct my mistakes when we performed. Our team did very well in our performance. We legitimately killed--even the event organizer said so, which was very gratifying and validating. I think tomorrow is my one year work anniversary. I have to say, this job is definitely better then where I was at before, but still, it really, really, really is frustrating. My anxiety is starting to spike hard. I have way too much on my plate and the only way I feel like I don't want to harm myself is by not caring, even though I do care a lot. I've started screaming in the car a little too, which is a warning sign I've had in the past that things are starting to go down south. I am on a clock of a year or less at my current workplace, after which I plan on leaving. I want to spend a year of performing my job seeing the comparison with how I was before and how I am now. It will also be nice to have that second year of critical experience on my resume. Maybe the only thing keeping me going is that the work is important and helps a lot of people. Even then, it's not my main purpose in life right now, even if I struggle to define what that purpose really is. It definitely doesn't feel like a main purpose. It feels like a means to an end. If this is all of what work is going to be like, then I might just be best off making as much money as I can, and getting out of the rat race as quickly as possible. The closest I ever felt to having a true main purpose is when I did research, but even then, I was so happy when it ended since I was so poor and lonely during that time. Now I am in control of myself financially, which feels very gratifying, but I could not see myself sacrificing more of my time to this since I feel ineffective and that what I'm doing is rapidly turning into a waste of time and paper pushing. At this point, I think the best course of action is to take a year of concrete problem solving to try and fix my job and my performance to the best of my ability. If it works out, then great and I don't have to worry about moving as much (and I would have likely made things better for many others as well). If I can't and I did put in a good effort, then I know this isn't the right choice for me. And as far as my performance is concerned, I've gotten good feedback even though I don't feel the same about myself. I just see all the misses and mistakes and opportunities dropped. I'm hoping this changes a bit during this next year. That was a lot about work. My chest is pounding right now, but I think I feel a little better. In other (lack of) news, the news window thing is working well. I keep finding myself wanting to cheat during work but I can't. It keeps me more present which is nice. The anxiety from this is dropping as well, though it was not quite as high as I thought it would've been. Anyway, I'm super tired, so I'm going to bed. Peace.

Day 219 No VG - 219 days, journaling - 1 day left, no sports news - 34 days, NF -- reset..., SOB - reset, NNO59 - 8 days left I did not go out last night. I was going to go salsa dancing, but I was making up all of these excuses about how being late would ruin my night, as there are two classes that start before the club opens up. In reality, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, an implicit one in that if I go out, I won't have fun and I'll feel worse after compounding on my self image. If I flip this and recognize that assuming I'll go out and have fun, there will be nights where I can do that and get over my fears. I'll try and find some salsa dancing during the middle of the week if possible. I think this will be my third and last hobby (improv, bodybuilding, salsa). However, I did go to bed at a reasonable hour. I woke up before my alarm, and decided to read a little bit on my book on self-esteem and try to make sense of what happened last night. This was a bit of a problem though as I stayed in bed while reading as it led to another NoFap reset. Next time I wake up that early before my alarm again, I'm just going to go upstairs and have breakfast before going to the gym. I can read when I get home. I didn't let that stop me though. I did get out of my house earlier today. I'm going to do some dishes real quick after this, go clothes shopping, and then I have improv practice and a show later today. It's going to be late by the time I get home so I'm posting early. Oh! And even after a month of serious bodybuilding and physical therapy I'm starting to notice a few positive changes. That made me feel good this morning. My strength is going up as well, and I think that with some of the rest from therapy/gym this week my muscles were able to recover and my lower back felt the best it has been in a year. Yesterday's leg workout ruined that though since everything is stiff again, but I'm happy that now I know strengthening my legs and lower back should be my number one priority. Ups and downs this weekend. At least it won't be all for naught.

Day 218 No VG - 218 days, journaling - 2 days left, no sports news - 33 days, NF - reset..., SOB - 19 days, NNO59 - 9 days left. I DIDN'T GO TO WORK TODAY! FINALLY! Family stopped by for breakfast before leaving. It was sad to see them go. It was a nice time--we didn't fight at all. After they left, I caved on NoFap again. I am not happy about that. My mistake was not getting out of the house sooner once my parents left. Tomorrow, I'll practice spending more time outside of the house. Despite the relapse, I didn't let it ruin my day. I got a killer leg workout in at the gym, and took a bit of a post-workout nap after. I usually need a bit of a nap after leg day if I go early. It was great to feel the pump in my legs when I was lying down. I also started throwing out some old childhood items my parents brought me to either keep or throw out. There were quite a few PC games in there. I wondered how fun it would be to install one of those old games...HEY WAIT A SEC I CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE. CRAP! Kinda bittersweet, really. I should go out tonight, but I'm procrastinating. I'm judging myself. I just need to get out.

Haha, well, there's a lot of us I guess, but few ever try to do anything about getting away from MOBAs/video games in general. I feel like we had similar motivations: the dopamine hits (oh god, the dopamine hits!), boredom, habit. I think I also struggled a bunch with my competitive nature and low self-esteem. In a weird way, it took the edge off of everything. I could play for sixteen hours straight and feel like a zombie after, but during those sixteen hours I didn't have to think about anything else. Single-player games are way easier to put down, in my opinion. There's usually an end and closure. There's never an end with MOBAs.

Hi Dirac. Glad to hear you were able to uninstall quickly last night. That could've been bad. Legitimately curious, because I did the same thing with LoL a bunch of times before my current streak, what was it that made you redownload in the first place?

Day 217 No VG - 217 days, journaling - 3 days left, no sports news - 32 days, NF - 10/16 days left, SOB - 18 days, NNO59 - 10 days left. Another day with a work wakeup call, this time just before my 8:30 AM alarm. 5 more hours at work. I think the calls are over for the time being now. It was nice having my parents over yesterday and today, the whole work issues kind of messed up our plans so we haven't done all too much, but it's nice just to spend time with them and be a family. I was actually very grateful because they cleaned up my house twice essentially. I had planned on getting up early each morning to finish some odds and ends but got called in each time. It's also nice coming home to have someone there. It's made the past few days much more enjoyable. In other news almost caved on NoFap today. Almost caved on news today. Got past it. I'm going to bed early again today (geez, I really am trying to jinx myself) and I'll get up and clean up a bit before my parents get here. Stay strong.

Day 216 No VG - 216 days, journaling - 4 days left, no sports news - 31 days, NF - 11/16 days left, SOB - 17 days, NNO59 - 11 days left Today's been weird. Got called in to work at 2:30 AM...didn't get out until noon. Big work problems, but I think myself and two other engineers handled it very well. My parents were waiting at my apartment/McDonalds for nearly three hours (though they really shouldn't have left so early). They understood though so that's good. However, it was a little awkward because I never got to finish cleaning my apartment...my bad. They've left to go to check in at their hotel, so I have a little time to post. Also, now that they're gone I have a strong urge to check news and do dumb stuff on the internet. I'm a little disinhibted right now so definitely feeling it a bit more. I'm gonna listen to a podcast for a bit to keep me awake. There's a turkey in the oven and I'd rather not fall asleep and burn my house down. Happy Thanksgiving!

Day 215 No VG - 215 days, journaling - 5 days left, no sports news - 30 days (boom), NF - 12/16 days left, SOB - 16 days, NNO59 - 12 days left Today was quite busy. Got up early to clean. At work a long time. Decided to clean up more when I got home instead of going to gym to get sleep and prepare for my parents showing up tomorrow. No news outside of my window was hard to manage today. I felt the urge many times, but I didn't cave. Going to bed now so I can get up early, hit the gym (if possible), and finish cleaning.

Thanks @Undsoweiter! Yeah, every time I fail I learn something, and if I'm smart about things I can put something in place which will prevent me from making the same mistake. I've done up to four months in the past and that was definitely worthwhile. I didn't keep with it though since I lacked the discipline and that I was also far worse with my internet usage back then. The lack of sports really is diffcult, I agree! For much of my life though, I was using it as a crutch for boredom and fitting in. Eventually, it became a bit of a time sink, and now I'm at a point in my life where I would like to invest that time in me instead. As long as I remember that, it's easy. Day 214 No VG - 214 days, journaling - 6 days left, no sports news - 29 days, NF - 13/16 days left, SOB - 15 days, No News Outside of 5 -9 PM - 13 days left So far I've been good on all my habits today. I felt some desire throughout the day to check the news while at work, but I did not give in. I was a little bit more focused as a result. I'm kind of tired today since I got to work early, and it makes me want to stay on the internet a lot more. I think when I'm done with this post, it's going to be no more screens, music, or podcasts for the rest of the night. I need a break from it. I'm a little stressed with work but I shouldn't be. I'm letting too much outside of my control get to me. I'll course correct.

Day 213 No VG - 213 days, journaling - 7 days left, no sports news - 28 days/4 weeks!, NF - 14/16 days left, SOB - 0 days left /14 days in!, No News Outside of 5 -9 PM - 14 days left Howdy. Was comatose on Saturday and busy on Sunday. I had another moment of weakness on Saturday, though I still went to the gym, cleaned my house up pretty well, and prepped for a Friendsgiving for Sunday. I procrastinated on Saturday, so ultimately my cooking took place when I should've been going out. I procrastinated because of the porn and general internet usage. I've gotten a little bit lax with some Internet habits recently. The Friendsgiving/improv practice went really well. It was nice since we were doing something besides improv for a change. I didn't have to be someone else--I could just be myself. I had a moment where I really felt close with everyone, which was nice since I haven't felt like that in a while. Work was kind of crappy today. I realize this job will not be tenable long-term and I don't think this is what will bring me validation, joy, or a steadfast sense of purpose. Everyone is just kind of miserable right now with the current situation. Had therapy as well. Touched on a range of subjects, including work. I also think part of the reason I hate my job right now is that I don't feel as competent as I should be and that the workload is nuts. Regardless of the other reasons why I'm dissatisfied with my work, I am going to start reviewing my performance and issues surrounding it a bit more wholeheartedly. As my promise to him, I said I'd not jerk off for the next two weeks and hold myself to it this time (I WAS SO CLOSE!!!!) and that I'd not view any news before 5 PM, which would be a good boundary to have. Thinking about this now though, I'm going to at a 9 PM end time as well so I can actually GO TO BED ON TIME. I didn't have my potential habits list that I wrote up last week. I'll make sure to have that next time.

Day 210 No VG - 210 days, no sports news - 25 days, NF - 7 days left, SOB - 3 days left Starting off today, had a moment of weakness so to speak. Even though I did not stay in my bed, I pretty much went on the phone right away before taking care of any hygiene. It was almost equivalent to staying in bed. I'll be more mindful of this for the future, though definitely getting out of bed after the first alarm really helps a great deal. Work was busy. I don't feel like an engineer, I feel like a project manager. I don't mind project management per se, but I don't want this to be my career necessarily. Nevertheless, the big project I'm co-running is reaching crunchtime, so I spent most of my day expediting and directing resources. I thought it went reasonably well. Monday is another key milestone, and I think we are well positioned. I left work late, and my home is a complete mess, so I chose not to go out tonight. I really haven't been home much this week. Instead, I went to the gym so I did something I could be proud of, and I'm going to bed right after this post. I'll get up early, clean, and take care of a ton of errands for Thanksgiving and I'll go out Saturday night for a bit...hopefully. I just need to make sure I keep taking good care of myself with everything that's going on.

Day 209 No VG - 209 days, no sports news - 24 days, NF - 4 days left, SOB - 4 days left Work busy. Made it to gym. Procrastinated on internet a bit afterwards. Going to bed now so I'm not completely wiped for tomorrow.

Day 208 No VG - 208 days, no sports news - 23 days, NF - 5 days left, SOB - 5 days left Keeping this real quick. Work busy. Physical therapy good. Improv skipped. Had a bunch of errands to run at home and low on sleep. Going to bed now, at a normal hour finally!

Day 207 No VG - 207 days, no sports news - 22 days, NF - 6 days left, SOB - 6 days left Work today was busy. No surprises there. This is the time of year when crunchtime hits, so I'm pretty booked up until February. After work, I caught a friend's improv show in the city. It was nice because I saw a bunch of people there I wasn't expecting. It was nice because it made me realize I was part of a community now. I myself have a show tomorrow night, but I might be super wiped at that point The next couple of days are going to be really busy at work. I need to make dinner tonight. I don't have time to be on the computer. My job is a blessing and a curse.

I'm sorry to hear that everything went of the rails this weekend for you, but I'm glad to see you're starting to get back on the right path. I never thought about it that way, but this whole adventure really is an experiment when you get down to it. I feel like many of us here never really thought about what brought us to this point until they decided to change, and it's only once one sets that goal of giving up video games/porn/etc. that one has to start thinking in that scientific mindset. Learning that "X causes me to do Y" is probably one of the big keys for changing habits like these. Thanks for that. That's a good reminder for me as I build my new habits.

Day 206 No VG - 206 days, no sports news - 21 days!, NF - 7 days left, SOB - 7 days left Feeling pretty good right now. Today started out kind of stressful at work, but I was able to get through it. Quick post now since I still need to go to the gym. Improv yesterday was okay--nothing Earth-shattering there. Took care of some errands after, but it was 10 PM by the time I was done, so no gym. I think one of the reasons that I'm feeling so good is the lack of time I've spent on my phone and computer since yesterday (funny how that works). I actually did not go back on the computer after I finished writing my post yesterday, which was kind of nice. Was able to get back on track a little bit. I'm just happy it wasn't one of those weekends where I go completely overboard and feel depressed and guilty after.

Day 205 No VG - 205 days, no sports news - 20 days, NF - 8 days left, SOB - 8 days left Want to post early today because I want to stay off the computer for the rest of the day, if possible. Last night I did not go out. I should probably go back to salsa dancing first instead of going to clubs as I think that's a half-step eaiser to manage. I was really beat though yesterday. I didn't stay up super late afterwards but I did procrastinate and waste my time a bit, which defeated the point of me staying home. I woke up a little late today, but for the second day in a row, before my alarm. I've been on my computer for a bit, so I'm just going to leave it off for the rest of the day. Really mundane post. More for accountability if anything. Improv, errands, gym after.

Day 204 No VG - 204 days, no sports news - 19 days, NF - 9 days left, SOB - 9 days left. Had to spend a full day at work today and was unsuccessful with the testing I needed to do. I'm not terribly beat up about it which is good. I usually get really frustrated by stuff like that. I did manage to make it to the gym afterwards and had a good workout. My plan went a little out the window this week due to rehab and improv. Afterwards I laid down for an hour since I was incredibly tired. I was very tired Friday, had some coffee to stay awake at work, and was pretty wired last night. I realized this and spent a couple of hours cleaning. Took care of some things I'd been meaning to for a while. Felt proud of the change when I was done. I'm not pressuring myself to go out tonight if I don't want since I've really been through the ringer this week. In a weird way though, it makes me want to go more. I don't know.

Hi Erik, Glad you're here. I can relate to a lot of what you said. You can absolutely 100% get through this. You've already taken some great steps forward. In my opinion the hardest part is the start, but as you start building the structures and habits around you that you'll need, things will get easier. And even if you step backwards, you'll start being able to recover quicker, so to speak. And it's really interesting that you said you didn't know yourself. Thinking back on my own experience, these past 7 months have been hugely informative for me. I've been able to push a few comfort zones of mine, and I ended up challenging a few notions of myself which ended up being completely false. I wouldn't have been able to attempt any of that if I hadn't given up games. Good luck to you!