Hitaru

Yesterday was a social call. The three of my family went to Seville to drop my grandma with my uncle and great uncles for their traditional family visit. She will spend some days with them in the scorching inferno that is north-eastern Andalusia, and of course she was chafing and completely out of her mind, speaking nonsense without pause and behaving erratically. There is some family property management that needs to be done this year and requires her signature, and that was the drop that spilled the glass. My grandma used to rule with an iron fist, and watch that control sliping away in her already weak state must be crushing. As the inheritor of such genetically-induced pride, I can tell. Living the same thing myself would probably be my worst nightmare, after experiencing death. Both at the same time must be the stuff Hell is made of. At least she seems to forget such influence downfall every 15 seconds, so there's some respite for her. And for us. Until she remembers, 5 seconds later. Then she comes to the realization like it was new again and again. Sorry to be such a downer. I'll try my best to do cool noteworthy stuff to overwrite the sad parts. After that my mother and I returned to our place and my friends invited me to a street theatre play. I was almost paranoid with guilt for not being studying, but since I was coincidentally already in the meeting point, I overcame the impulse of going home (to spend the little evening left procrastinating at the computer and making excuses) and waited for them (to at least have a good time). We met, substituted dinner with a lot of snacks, and had some laughs at the expense of the quality of the play. I'm glad of my decision and having become socially adept. Last night I had one of my trademark colics (very probably because of the snacks, which makes me feel old and frail) and I took the morning off. During the spasmodic ordeal I thought to myself: Am I really physically suited for a stressful job like military or politics? What would happen if my intestines made completely impossible to me to fulfill some of my dreams? What would become of me? I honestly don't want to consider that possibility unless it hits me in the face. And, as always, I have the impression of having already asked this before. So, back to more present topics. Honestly, I'm not sure of what will I do today. Lazy summer days going by slowly. But I'll think of something, I have confidence in myself. I'm grateful for: 1. This community. 2. Friendships. 3. Being young, healthy and with a lot of possibilities.

Bob, I don't know what to say man, besides good luck. You're being so brave, it's incredible. Whatever happens today, don't feel regret. You made mistakes, like everyone else, but you tried and are still trying your very best and that's what counts. Perhaps your wife fears you'll fall back into bad habits if you get together again. Perhaps she's simply sure that she wants to move on to another stage of her life, not better, not worse, but without you as her husband. As you say, it's her call, she has the right to make choices you may even consider mistakes at some point. It feels frustrating and beyond your control of course. But I know you love her and the first proof of that is your willingness to respect her decision, and that only speaks good of you. Whatever happens, never forget. You're a good man with good intentions and a righteous path in front of you, and you have the strength to tread that path. You're doing awesome, and that makes you awesome. You have at least half of the community grinding their chairs in anticipation. Will @Mettermrck succeed in his goals? Will he finish his detoxes? Will he begin to live a life he and therefore us are proud of? I can't wait to answer those questions with a big YES, HE DID!

Yesterday was actually great! Took my class, ate, and then went to the gym. I did a nice workout but today I'm sore and tired. It may pass in the afternoon but I'm worried about overworking. @Mettermrck, you go to the gym every (work)day, right? How do you do it? I'm considering going in alternate days (then incluiding weekends since it's a 24 hours gym) but I'm not sure 100% yet, I'd like to do at least something light in resting days, to avoid that feeling of dullness in the muscles. Or maybe I could focus in specific groups? I think that's still beyond my level tho. Then I met with some friends, spent some time, good stuff. I felt some social anxiety and responsibility calling (that overzealousness that gets the better of me those rare times I feel I'm doing things right) but it's under control today. Then I had a light dinner and went to sleep in my gloriously tidy room (one of my life's greatest achievements, seriously). As for this morning I had some light breakfast with "real", ultra-overpowered natural milk (I guess) I bought in one of these small stores of "eco-products" staffed by weirdos, with royal jelly and a spoon of some kind of yellow powder packed with vitamins and revolting taste. I had to water it down with sugar, so I won't reach the promised Nirvana of health or whatever, but the alternative was throwing up. The guy assured me it would be the greatest thing, and my mother also likes it enough to chew it raw. Must be a middle age thing then, like the wisdom teeth. I could substitute the sugar with honey now that I think of it, I'll do next time I dare to try that poison again. At mid-morning I'll eat something else. I'm realizing I'm not one to have big plates of food on socially stablished times, but rather eat a little now and then in a more or less constant fashion. They say you can gain a lot of weight because you don't measure realistically what you eat. Suits me perfectly. Let's wrap up the rest of the day! I'm grateful for: 1. Yesterday. 2. Having friends and a supportive, kind boyfriend. 3. Having guts after all, even if just a little.

(I've made that question a lot of times already but each time is better, trust me.)

Thank you! I still have to put the correct colors and fix some things, but yep it's the huge-est? thing I've ever made. It's "whoa"-inducing to me. And the best part, so far it's working. My current NoFap streak is no long at all (just two days) but it has helped me to fully grasp the process, trust myself more and put me out of the downward spiral. There is a way out of this. I've checked and I think there's not a cheaper version printed in Spain, the full book is a brick and a bit expensive for what it delivers, but I'll keep looking! Also hi man, we don't speak so often lately, I miss you ---------------------------------------- No Games: 346 days. No Youtube: 23 days. No TV: 5 days. NoFap: 2 days. Habits implemented: Waking up: 55% Going to bed: 39% Morning routine and study: Still not implemented Remember I had a rival? Because I did. Or at least I remembered fully when I hanged out with him yesterday, after a whole year of not seeing each other. His previous enthusiasm was now transformed into conviction and vision. He's been basically implementing in his life a very similar method of what I my mother paid a 4 figure sum to make me learn, but instead he's a natural, almost superhuman for the casual observer. Acting, directing, producing and writing, his own stuff and others, completely in touch with his Element and absolutely happy about it. It was wonderful, and more wonderful was the fact that I didn't feel the envy I expected. Sure, you always get that nagging in the stomach when someone is doing so ostensibly well, but our chat did much more good than bad. It gave me a lot of energy and motivation. I instantly thought: "THIS is the kind of driven people I want to be around, they exist". It's hard to assume this, but not just my home, my whole hometown, the people around me, is consumed by apathy. I had the bad luck of being born into a black pit of resignation, no matter how pretty and gilded the cage might look. The rest left for a better, more fulfilling life. It is now my turn. My time here is hurting me. Suddenly I don't feel all that anxiety and pressure I used to have, but it might be a terribly wrong impression. I still should seek help, even if I can harness this renewed power and motivation. There's no rainbows and sunshine, he earned every little thing with hours and hours of work, there's no brag on it. I'm not even talking about his quality as actor, just the plain facts. The plain facts is he's exactly where he wants to be, and he's gotta pull the weights every single day to be there. I guess there's no other option. If someone is going to do things half-assedly, better not do them at all. It might work for some, but it doesn't work for me. If it did, I wouldn't be so dissatisfied. The question now is: Which would be worse, the pain of going all in or the pain of living my excuses?

The mother of all mental maps. With this, I ended my cycle of problem identification. Now to the printer with these three, and into the wall of my room they go. I hope this preventive work will help me skip a lot of unnecesary things when I find a proper therapist. It feels a weight from my head was lifted. Now I don't have to think in all of this stuff, I have it on paper. Damn, I feel like I can learn a new language with all the free memory.

@Mettermrck Thanks man, I needed to hear that. Yesterday I had a check-in call with Demir (the guy from Lifehack Bootcamp) about my participation in the project. I was expecting a weird mix of compliment at my insistence to not give up together with a subtle kicking out the door and his project. Some compliment happened and I'm thankful and grateful (because I think it was truthful and honest, and I appreciate that), but the conversation revolved more around me being suggested to try cognitive behavioral therapy. At first the question took me aback. It almost looked like the same "Uhhhm, have you tried, like, a psychologist?" that half-strangers usually throw in my direction during social, alcohol-influenced 'deep' debates. But this time was something different. Everything came after he told me we had to have a talk about the problems I was experiencing in the bootcamp. We had to talk about those problems, it was no bs. I knew it was going to be a huge, complicated and complex conversation, even in Spanish I'd have a real struggle finding the right words. So in a moment of inspiration, I made this: And this: I must say, I'm really content with how it looks. I could get hooked to make these maps! A dollar a map, come on folks. The more I look at them, the more I see subtle things I need to (add, mostly), but the bulk of the elefant in the room is there. Of course Demir saw... this, and with the knowledge he already had about me, said: "Well **** this is perhaps too much. Too much for you, too much for us. You're dealing with a lot. You should consider other kinds of help, put this aside, combine the two things, whatever you see best" (he said this among many other things, it's just the gist). I'm not so sure, but he insist I have a good attitude and a real want for change as well. I thought to myself: I could think "Nah, you're not right, I didn't try enough, it's my fault", feel like crap and use it as an excuse, OR, I could trust this guy, who has seen a ton of different people, trust his gut feeling about me, and go on with it, seek help. More help, better help, different help, more specific help, whichever works. So we compromised I would speak with a therapist in the next two weeks, and report back. I shall do it then. Of course my mother is not having any of it, every coin spent on me looks to her like a thousand stabs in the back, but I'll handle somehow. It's already nasty as fuck just to have to go to the damn guy (or woman). I'll probably wield the authority fallacy she likes to fall in all the time: "Uh, Mom, it's not me who says (I know fucking nothing after all, right), it's the american guy whom you are paying big euro, he's an expert in his field, believe me!" and so on. Then she'll spend a three figure sum in some furniture that looks like taken back from a dumpster, because old looking things are now 'in' or something. Such is life and we all have our comforters I guess Oh wait I almost forgot I spent the last damn year and a half trying to get rid of mine (That level of sarcasm reminded me of @Marquess of course. I wonder how's he doing...)

BE FREE OUR CHILD ;W;

Actually... not. Don't take my example, I'm a deeply flawed one. I'm one of the most veteran folks still around since 2015 and there's not a star on my journal for good reason...! Now that you say that, what does a normal day in Hitaru's life look like...? I've never wrote it down. - I wake up. My waking up time varies wildly between 8:00 and 12:00 most days. - Sometimes I have breakfast, but having only a glass of milk with cocoa powder is a foolproof way of having an upset stomach for the rest of the morning, so I usually get anxious over it and skip it. - I attend class half-heartedly. My classes are from 9:00 to 11:00 on Mon/Wed and 12:00 to 14:00 on Tue/Thu. - If it's Mon/Wed and 11:00, I usually waste that time. I talk in WhatsApp or Discord, and many times I PMO. Then I get upset at myself and hunt for P websites to block. In my mind I call those moments "porngroms". Then I get triggered and relapse PMO one or several times. My current list of blocked sites contains 216 links, but since all the big ones are blocked, many mirrors are also down and finding openings is a serious task. So I usually devote time to that since I'm feeling cravings and not in my right mind, then relapse, then execute a porngrom, then repeat, and so on. If it's Tue/Thu, I have to take a bus to go to class and I usually don't. Then I repeat process. - It's 15:00/16:00 and my mother hasn't arrived home, so it falls upon me to prepare lunch. My relationship with food is awful. In Spain, the common key symptom to recognize anorexia is a delusional or unrealistic perception of one's figure (you see yourself fat in the mirror, when you're actually starving yourself). I know I'm too skinny, though I must confess I get surprised and scared when I see myself in pictures, and my goal is absolutely not to lose weight, so I can't say I have the illness. But I get really anxious about food. About the thought of having to do groceries, cook, eat, digest, excrete. Unbearably, irrationally anxious. So I usually skip it as well and wait for my mother to come. At this point my grandma improvises lunch for herself (she mostly eat fruits alone) or just skips it as well. We both share this condition and while she overcame it through sheer discipline (she was the oldest of 5 girls and was forced to learn to take care of herself and a home), it also normalized this behaviour in our family. Which is most probably the reason I'm not seeking therapy for this. - Since I haven't eaten in all day, I'm fatigued and upset. I journal, I do some menial efforts, I watch TV, I sleep... - Between 18:00 and 20:00, my mother arrives (she should arrive at 15:00), sees her 5' 9"/120 lbs. son and her 5' 2"/90-ish lbs. mother starving themselves and sighs. Between 18:00 and 22:00 I talk to my mother or watch TV with her, do more menial progress or sleep. I may or may not eat what was intended for lunch. Sometimes there's nothing for lunch since I don't buy and my mother is busy. Then I don't eat until dinner. - Dinner arrives. I might be sleeping and then my family eats without me even though I'm in the same room. I might still think there's nothing to eat or my mother may refuse to cook or at least help me or keep me company while I cook. Then I don't eat. - 0:00 arrives, and my family goes to sleep. I'm left alone in the living room. My room's bed doesn't have bedsheets placed and it's very hot, so I stay in the living room when I know I should make the bed myself and sleep there, no matter if I have to sleep in undies. - I watch TV and/or PMO until 2:00 to 4:00, and fall asleep in the couch. Then I wake up tired and not rested at all. Is this... my life? Jesus Christ what a mess. I know what I have to do, I've been writing about it for two years, but there's just so much fucking anxiety and terror. I've been trying to keep my bad habits in check (I don't mindless browse anymore, I'm cutting porn, I've started to cut TV now...), but the progress is really slow. I try to motivate and reward myself but it's really hard. Read or watchseries/movies? Makes me anxious. Check FB? It's using a bad habit as reward. Eat? I hate eating and buying food (I like several brands of industrial candies, like red licorice, but they are unhealthy and I usually end up binging, losing my appetite and messing up my bowels). Meet friends, write, learn something else or work out? Anxiety, and I treat them as chores, part of what my life should look like. I guess I'm the living example of "It's not just about quitting games". My attitude has changed, but my life's still crap. I've been in worse places, but my tolerance to crap is quite high due my life history. No one should live like I currently do. Not even me.

Despite my previous optimism, my mood dropped severely during the last weeks. I've been trying to implement many different habits with varied results, so despite my pessimism there's no doubt I've been trying to do some good in my life. Let's summarize: List of habits (since I began tracking or I remember): No Steam: 336 days, done 30/30 times the last 30 days, 100% implemented This one's been already implemented (one year soon, sooooooon...) but it's really positive to be aware of the job done well. No Youtube: 13 days, done 13/13 times since I began counting (June 17), 50% implemented (estimations according to habit tracker app) The whole habit is no more than 60 minutes of mindless browsing/distractions per day, that means I can use Youtube an hour per day max., but I wouldn't be able to do anything else of the list of distracting things and that would be really inconvenient, so in practice I've been browsing Youtube like 10 minutes a day at most, the majority of days not even 1. No Porn: 2 days, done 2/30 days the last 30 days, 8% implemented This one is tricky because I'm counting as browsing porn every physical mean I have at my disposal to arouse myself or trigger me into masturbating. Videos, pictures (even Facebook pics), writings, anything. You're going to see some incongruent data right now. No Fap: 38 days (started counting on March 20), done 6/30 days the last 30 days, 27% implemented Yes, how can I fap much less than I browse porn? Because even with "standard" porn blocked I still have the habit of looking for other ways, for example reading erotica even if the main purpose is to fight boredom rather than attend physical needs. It's a way of procrastination. Waking up early: 7 days (since I last fixed my sleep), done 7/10 times the last 10 days, 28% implemented. Going to bed in time: 5 days (since I last fixed my sleep), done 5/10 the last 10 days, 19% implemented. Going to the gym: Still not implemented. Meditate: Still not implemented. Study for my exams (including going to class): 9 days, done 8/30 times in the last 30 days, 20% implemented. Study for my driving license: Done 3/10 times in the last 10 days, 12% implemented. Translate: Done 2/10 times in the last 10 days, 7% implemented. Lifehack Bootcamp: Done 2/10 times in the last 10 days, 9% implemented (the estimate varies depending on if I did the stuff more recently). --------------- There's also journaling and studying Romanian, but I'm tracking journaling as a reference only (to keep a steady rythm but not necesarily daily) and Romanian is not a steady thing at all (it may stuck, it may not). Bittersweet results. The mindless browsing habit is huge, I'm really happy about that, but the NoFap and the good habits are still not working. I have time, my big deadline of personal development is 2019 and my uni entrance exam, but I'm getting emotionally attached to my Navy entrance project. A good signal, it means I care, but putting a lot of pressure as well. I'm even considering applying (again) for non-priority exams just to raise my fixed "academic merits" points. It may seem distracting of the main objective, but 4 or 5 points earned means less window of error for the exam part, and that weights gold. Don't throw at my neck yet, is just an idea. Today I finally made a step towards getting back on track in Lifehack Bootcamp (I dropped it due to my recent funk) and it was better than expected. Learned about habit making and the reward system. That seems like a key idea. How can I reward myself if I've been planning my days a succession of chores, everything is dulled due my brain chemical imbalance and even pleasant things like meeting with friends make me stressed out...? It's gonna be hard answering that one.

I heard there's going to be a project called "Say no to the adiction!" by a polish youth association in Tarnow, Poland, days 18-25 August, 2017. The association is also called Project Tarnow. Can our polish friends @hycniejsy, @fil, @Piotr, @SuperSaiyanGod check this info?

The one I mentioned is called Sectograph I think. I'm also using an habit-building tracker, Daylio for mood tracking (been a while since I updated that, I'm considering taking it up again) and someone in the Discord chat talked me into give LifeRPG a try, but I'm having mixed feelings about that one I just uninstalled it (I basically don't know how to reward myself). To track the time I've been without games and other things, I use Final Countdown (actually it's counting up but whatever). I even keep track of the days I've been alive, just because I'm that masochistic, and for existential reflection. As a curiosity, it's been 8323 days and 13 hours. Most of them shamefully wasted, but we're working on that, right? One week without mindless browsing. It's been ok I guess. Still not a big benefit, but I got up from the floor... mostly. A lot of impromptu sobbing and hopelessness. Yesterday was crap. It will get better.

Good news! I hope there was another Korean user someday ;( You are literally triggering me to make a joke about BEST KOREA, pls stahp.

I did too, but still haven't gone. Makes me feel really anxious and observed, like I was an outsider or unwelcome. What days of the week have you planned to go? Want to set up some kind of accountability partnership?

- Waking up like a normal person: checked. Breakfast still an issue, but it will probably get better with effort and planning (God help me so Cam makes that health mastery program, or maybe I should say help Cam make it good ). I reconnected with my team in LHBC (Lifehack Bootcamp) and used an app to organize my week. It looks like a rotating clock that constantly highlights what I should be doing at the moment and what comes next, just by checking my phone's main screen. Fancy! There's still some huge and worrisome blanks, but at least tuesday and thursday are fully covered. Monday and Wednesday mornings as well. From that point on, I have to improvise. Or take up some hobby. I'd rather not think too much about it right now, but I'll keep ruminating a solution. Small achievements. On a side note, the arrival of the first spanish-speaking people to the forum has hyped the fuck out of me, the translation hub got revamped and updated, and for the first time I devoted a specific time of the day only to focus in translations. This looks good!

Last week was devoted to reflection and recovery, setting me up for sucess, or at least for survival (survival would also be a hell of a goal). I'm not fully invested again in LH Bootcamp and my daily responsibilities yet, but I believe I'm on the right path. I had to take some decisions, hard ones, and stop negotiating with myself in non-negotiable things. I knew I had to do it since the very beginning, but I didn't dare. "Is this website that bad? Yes, yes it is..". "Aren't you being unreasonable with the time assigned to non-essential internet things? No, no I'm not", and so on. I even assigned time to writing this journal, to avoid mindlessly refreshing the page again and again or just staring at it. Yes, it's that bad. The jitters and brain crap are still a huge issue, but it will pass. It will. At least this time I'm not wanting to die while I cope with them. No, I want to live, I want to see where all this leads me to. I'm developing a huge interest in self-preservation based on sheer curiosity of witnessing. I guess that's the first step before a genuine desire of taking action and see it reflected upon my small piece of world. Life probably works that way.

¡Bienvenido al foro! Antes de nada debo decirte que leerte es pura poesía amigo, te expresas de una manera realmente interesante, particular y a la vez sincera. Conozco lo que significa estar en una relación en la que sientes que las cosas no deberían ser así, que estás haciendo daño, muchas veces sin saber por qué lo haces y también te están haciendo daño, muchas veces sin saber por qué te lo mereces (porque hay una parte de uno mismo que de manera irracional ya asume que te lo mereces, no sé si a ti te pasará lo mismo). Y es realmente duro. No puedo más que respetar tu dolor y tu frustración, pero también decirte que con el tiempo pasa. Todas las relaciones marcan mucho, pero las primeras y las que ocurren durante una época concreta o difícil pueden llegar a definir la vida de una persona, su visión del mundo. Y eso puede llegar a ser un problema mayor que la tristeza que es temporal. Lo mejor que puedes intentar, aunque suene a cliché, es dejar el pasado en el pasado, apreciar lo bueno porque en su momento lo era y dejar de castigarte por lo malo. Solo aprender, tomarlo como una experiencia, algo que te hizo evolucionar y conocerte más a ti mismo. Sabes, creo que muchas veces entramos en una espiral masoquista para justificar nuestra inacción y nuestro miedo. "No es que no me atreva a tomar las decisiones que en el fondo sé que debo tomar, es que me merezco estar en esta situación, merezco sufrir, que todo vaya mal, fracasar". Eso nos exime de responsabilidad. No somos nosotros, es el mundo en nuestra contra, el determinismo de que no elegimos ser desgraciados, la vida eligió por nosotros. Pero lo elegimos. Cada día que tomamos esas pequeñas decisiones fáciles, jugar, callar, esconderse, marcan el camino. Y eso asusta, asusta tener tanta responsabilidad. Asusta joderla y saber que los demás van a seguir con su día, que las cosas realmente importantes de tu vida son solo cosa tuya. "No me merezco tanto poder", y al pensar eso ya no hay que hacer nada, eso es lo cómodo, cómodo no de perezoso sino de seguro. Pero sabes que está mal. Si no lo supieras, o te diera igual, no te sentirías mal, vivirías feliz y pasivo. Ahora mismo estás asustado, estás dolido, estás enfadado y agobiado, y todo eso no solo es normal sino que está bien. Es legítimo que te sientas así, es más, lo preocupante sería que no lo hicieras. Solo tienes que saber que has tomado la decisión correcta, estás en el buen camino y aquí tienes una comunidad de gente que entiende por lo que estás pasando y te apoya, aunque no te conozca(mos) en persona o estemos a miles de kilómetros los unos de los otros. Mucho ánimo, sigue escribiendo (créeme, yo veía lo del diario como una tontería, como de adolescentes de película americana mala, pero ayuda, de verdad).

Hey Bob! I've been doing some catching up with your journal and I'm up to date now. What you're doing is amazing, man. And I can speak with full knowledge, because I'm quitting porn and Youtube at the same time and it's being Hell. Anxiety, loneliness, nightmares, crying, body shakes, exhaustion... the full pack, as you also describe in your experience. If this was learning to use a bicycle, you went full mountain biking, and I can only deeply admire and respect you for your efforts. Not many do as you do, leaving the forums and keep returning, keep trying, keep fighting, and with all the changes that are happening around you, inside and outside. And winning, because you can't slack off now, but also acknowledge, you are winning, day at a time. Currently, it's 2/4/0 in my Porn/YT/Fap counter, and I'm already struggling and not seeing the end of this. I can only hope (and wish) to reach your time as strong as you. You're an example, friend.

or rather should I say "only" Spanish translator (so far). Anyway, I'm the real thing now!! The results of my Cambridge English C1 (CEFR) certification exam arrived, and I scored a whopping score of 203 out of 210. That means I got a mention for showing C2 skills (which is the maximum). Most schools and businesses will accept that, and if I join the military, chances are I'll probably get a comfy(er) position working with our american NATO overlords (unless, you know, all those positions are reserved for NCOs and officers' in-laws). *Performs victory dance in spanish*

Last week was a mess. I've said this a thousand times, it's my body trying to resist change. I've fallen deep into a mild depression, watching porn and gaming film, even more than when I was in detox. So I guess I poisoned myself again, even if I didn't do the playing myself. But if after 318 days your life is still surrounded by gaming content, escape and instant gratification, what's the difference? None, I say. I made a courageous (or should I say desperate) move and blocked again direct access to bothersome things. Laptops are blocked during the night to ensure sleep (or journaling), and porn in particular is blocked during the day. Next the gaming content. The final push for Berlin, huh. My 40~ish euro headphones suddenly broke after less than 5 months, what a programmed obsolescence sham. I need that shit, I'll have to check on Amazon. Traditional commerce my ass. ALSO THIS HAPPENED.

Only you can tell. Gaming was the one doing the most impact in my life, and yet the easiest of the three to quit (in my case change soda for YouTube). And it was Hell, mind you. In other circumstances I would advise you to quit one at a time (and probably in this order: soda, games, porn) but maybe the urgency of your situation will help you get through. If you did that you would positively become one of the major legends of this community. It's already amazing that you are even trying. I would have given up a long time ago. I salute you. Don't take it as "You've fought enough" but "You have the perseverance to make it" Trust me on this. Each try makes you stronger and more resolute. We're rooting for you man.

I know. It's not in my current character and self-esteem to freely acknowledge it. But I know. Precisely yesterday I had a really insightful conversation with a dear friend about this. All my fears (failure, success getting over my head, expressing myself) come down to a single thing: fear of rejection (sounds familiar @Cam Adair?). I don't know where the hell does this come from, but I'm really interested in finding out. Probably another of those "lifelong quests" but that doesn't bother me. Much. LH Bootcamp began and damn is it intense. I'm not being paid for saying this and I'm not saying it completely as a good thing, but the sheer amount of content is INSANE. As if it was a way of encouraging you to prioritize and discriminate because you won't be able to check it all, at least in these 8 weeks. Yep, I think it's exactly that. But, it's going acceptably well so far. Acceptably because my efforts have been acceptable, but I can do lots better. As in many other things in my life. Also, this happened, if you haven't seen it already: https://forum.gamequitters.com/topic/4173-the-irony-of-it-all-i-was-offered-a-job-in-the-videogame-industry/ . I'm still laughing. That kind of surprised "My, what now" laughter. Not self-deprecating one. I see that as a really good thing. I believe my worldview is becoming more lighthearted and optimistic. That can only lead to good.

Done!

Yesterday and today were tough. Here's my latest NoFap journal entry from yesterday: Today, meh. Helped mom with groceries, that was a good thing. Taking baby steps towards improving my diet, it will be crucial to keep my kitchen well stocked no matter how boring going to the supermarket may be. My hair is now cut short (whoa...!) and clothes are a much simpler affair in summer, so the "Oh no I need to be perfectly groomed before going out" excuse is as good as dead for now. I'm expecting a call from a LH Bootcamp coach and things have been going ugly so far, with several technical issues and annoying setbacks. Most days I feel I make a small victory in my studies, learning this, checking on that... but I fear it will not be enough being as hard-pressed for time. Jesus, will this always be so damn hard and bothersome.

Amigo, obrigado por la oportunidad de aprender portugués