Mettermrck

Day 11/90. Also 16/16/2 soda/porn/fap. I am surviving. I am seeing differences with how my clothes feel and fit so that gives me some comfort for weight loss. But still battling light headedness and also had a bout of loneliness last night. If I could make any adjustments right now it would taking a little more pride at my job. And also have a little more money in savings to protect my mom and I. I either feel tired from the calories drop, lonely because I don't have my gaming crutch, or worried because we don't have a lot of money because we spent it all on eating out. It takes time to repair the damage and that goes for everything: my bank account, my body, my social life. I just gotta be patient and resist the urges to fall back into my old habits. What do I have control over? My attitude, how I perform at work, what I stay away from, my exercise, and my social calendar. I think the latter will be most important in the weeks ahead. My weight loss is so important to me. I cannot let anxiety and loneliness sabotage that.

Wow I hope to emulate your example, Rem! Congratulations!

I battle the darkness outside too. There's just something about it being dark outside that depresses me, makes me think of being alone, of my eventual death. It's dreary. And in the morning with the chirping birds, there's the hope of a new day.

Great job, Hassan! Put up some stars....

Hey you're a good artist! It's good to have a creative outlet like that. That's what I need. I'm glad you had a good session with your client and got many of your tasks done. You're doing great!

Day 10/90. I can't remember if I made it this far the first 3-4 times. I'm getting close to uncharted territory here. Just keep going, Bob! Also day 15 for soda and porn. So far so good. I read some nofap last night and decided that that needs to be a part of this process. Long term, I don't intend to freak out if I fap but I need to reset my libido especially with all the other dopamine brain chemistry resets going on. I need to change across the board. 90 days is good. Right now my fap fantasies are based off the fumes of gaming and porn experiences. Yes, yes I know....real sad. I've come to the conclusion that I'm very indecisive. I read somewhere that this comes.with depression. Well, then that's me. I've been veering back and forth on finding purpose and also my church. For purpose, I know my passion is history. I breathe it. I just don't know how I want to express it. Could be finishing school, could be starting a podcast. I think I've been rushing myself. I watched Cam's video yesterday on finding your purpose and he said you don't pick a purpose and then stick with it for the rest of your life. Things evolve and adapt. You need a vision for yourself. At the top of my vision is my health. Thin, active, in shape, self confident. I am working on it. I am exercising, I don't eat fast food anymore, and I eat less. I have to throw out a big pair of pants today! History is important. But I don't think I'm ready to decide what I want to do with it. In the meantime, I can nurture my love by reading and listening to podcasts. As my health improves, I will flesh out my passion for history. As for church, I'm seriously considering going back to my own church that I've gone to off and on on my own. My wife's church is real nice but it's partly her world and I get nervous about some of its teachings. I'm not myself there, I'm her husband. I want to be married to her, but as myself, not an extension of her family. I can't sacrifice my identity. It's scary because I feel like I'm starting to let go of the marriage. But maybe I'm just being healthy here. I'm forging my own identity here. Maybe someday that'll bring the marriage back maybe it won't.

Welcome, Chase!

Here's a list I found on computer games anonymous for withdrawal symptoms. I had a lot of these especially because I'm simultaneously quitting other addictions so I really had no crutch. I'm a big time "worlds and lore" person btw. Here are some that are common: A feeling of emptiness, sadness, and/or lonelinessDepressionLack of motivation/direction; life seems flatLack of interest in most of life’s activities, whether work or playDifficulty with focus, concentration and completing complex tasksIrritability or restlessnessDesperate attempts to rationalize a return to gamingAnxietyUncontrollable or variable feelings and mood swingsDifficulty with social interactions and facing obligationsSleep changes: much more sleep or sleeplessnessFeeling intensely drawn to other electronic entertainmentObsessive thoughts about in-game friendsFantasies and dreams about the game, or about being in the gameRestless, unfulfilling, taunting dreamsCryingHeadachesImpatience and angry outburstsNausea

If I just make it through each day without relapsing I'm getting there. The withdraw gets better in time.

Hah I thought the same thing about going through withdrawal. I was crying all the time and I thought my future was hell. But then I read that its a gaming withdrawal symptom and that made the difference in bearing it. Yes I tend to compensate when I quit and move other areas. I tend to read, listen to podcasts, watch Netflix and TV. I don't feel concerned about any of these as long as I don't feel like I'm binging.

Day 9/90. I keep chugging through the no soda, gaming, and porn. Can't get cocky and complacent, but I still feel very committed to the long haul. The only weaknesses I see are struggling to stay at work. It's a data entry job, one I'd like to move ahead past eventually, but for now I can bring my headphones and listen to podcasts. It gets dull but at least it's a decent job and I'm not at home playing video games. The other weakness is fapping. I slipped once yesterday and I think it's because I'm not so adamantly against it like porn. But I think I need to to detox and reset my libido. I might check out the nofap reddit a little bit. My worry and anxiety are less. The issues are still there but I think I've talked through and processed these emotions and there's nothing more I can add. Plus I'm nice and tired at night and sleep well now. Went to church last night. Mixed feelings. I love the service but do I belong here? I guess I'll know more when I see what happens with my marriage. She did call me last night to vent about work. I was nice and gave good advice I thought. Maybe it's a good sign or maybe we'll still be friends who knows.

It's better when I'm too tired to even look at porn. As long as I'm moving through my schedule, there's little opportunities to let me guard down.

You're doing great, Hassan. You're recognizing the good things you're accomplishing each day and not letting yourself beat yourself up over the few times you didn't hold to your plans. I know this can be a real tendency in my life too. I know exactly how it can be when you want to sleep, even feel tired, but can't. I think it's improved for me.

Welcome, Jay! You've been through some hard times but you're not alone and you've come to a good place to take the next step in turning things around.

I used to be a book worm before I was a gamer. I've noticed I'm starting to read more again.

Wow thanks Hassan. I love getting such an in-depth response. My biggest fears now are lack of money and being alone. For lack of money, it's temporary. I blew so much money for so many years so that when I chose to start this journey, I was flat broke. I spent it all on eating out and video games. I'm slowly rebuilding my savings but in the meantime, I'm nervous about unexpected expenses and a lack of a safety net (family to help in an emergency as my Mom's broke too). At least these changes mean I am saving WAY better than I used to. Just a matter of being patient with the money. The other fear is being alone. I was surrounded by my wife and her loving family. I didn't really have friends of my own after we moved here and when my struggles became worse, I didn't try to. Even my church world is her faith, which I converted into and don't know if I belong there or not. Getting rid of games and fast food really revealed these deep fears. I don't like the fear, but I'm happy that I can now take steps to deal with them rather than hiding them through addictions. Honestly I'll be relieved when the 2 months to our separation year is over and we figure our marriage out. If we divorce, I will move forward in my life, maybe look for a new church (not sure yet). If we stay together, I can put the old life back together but without gaming and fast food. It's just an anxious transition time for me. Thanks again for your response, Hassan. It means a lot not to be alone. Forgot to add, the reason I'm skittish about the AA type groups is they can tend to be....hmm, too spiritual? I really went into a dark place recently with religion, partly caused by my own addiction struggles, involving the theology, arguments, apologetics, etc. Not me personally but I read and listened to a lot of stuff by angry and righteous people and as someone with depression, it makes you feel like you're not doing things right. I really love going to church, at least to a liturgical service with lots of historical ritual. But I am scared of talking to religious people for fear of running into a zealot. Sigh. That's my own hangup. So I'm afraid of spiritual support groups.

Yes my counselor uses BLAST bored lonely anxious stressed tired. Actually I liked tired because it.means I'll sleep well and I've killed the anxiety.

Day 8/90. The mechanics of avoiding the gaming (and the soda and porn) are going well. I had a spell yesterday where I fapped a few times though I didn't look at anything. At first it was a sudden urge and then became intentional as a way to kill anxiety. I noticed I became lethargic, wanting to call the whole day a failure and just start over the next day, calling in sick to work and eating out. Wow that was bad! Fortunately I have my Quitzilla app on my phone which showed my 12 day soda streak and 7 for gaming. I couldn't give in. So I showered and got to work. I need socialization so badly. I was so caught up in my wife's world when we moved here. I love it here at the beach but I'm feeling lonely. I have the people at work and my mother at home and I'm reconnecting with friends and family online but I need friends in real life. I started going to church again but I tend to be anonymous there and it's my wife's church that I joined (not sure if I'll stay if we divorce to be honest). My counselor keeps talking about AA type groups (Celebrate Recovery, etc.). At night I can still feel alone and scared. Talking things over with my Mom helps and also prayer and meditation. Walking in the evening also wears me out and helps burn off the anxiety. Sigh, I have to work on it.

Thanks, End. My first measurable goal is 300 lbs, which I'm hoping to hit in the next two months. Further down, I have benchmark goals at weights I was at some years ago, a sort of turning back the clock hehe.

Off to a good start!

I had pizza tonight too and limited myself to 2 slices instead of my usual 4 hehe. I hear you about moderation. If I could play just strategy games and not rpgs, I'd be content. But I struggle.

I feel the same way. When I quit gaming, porn, and soda/fast food, it was if an old bandage had been yanked off. For the first 3 days I was sleepless and crying a lot. I suspect a lot of my emotions was hidden with pus underneath that bandage of.addictions. i think that's what killed my marriage.

You draw way better than I could hehe! I was playing around with the meet up app too yesterday. Gotta break through my shyness.

Hi Martin. I too have felt a distinct lack of drive and much procrastination in my life. I don't know if games caused it or masked it. Glad to have you!

Good job precooking your meals! I'm not at that point though I do rigidly schedule my eating and snacking to control my calories. It's working but becoming a grind. You're doing great