Jump to content

NEW VIDEO: The EASIEST Way to Stop Gaming

seriousjay

Senior Member
  • Posts

    572
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Posts posted by seriousjay

  1. 29 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

    Yeah, I suppose I kind of am moving towards living a happier life single. I wasn't doing well on the apps and I'm feeling better since I got off them. I'll see what the future holds for dating, but right now I'm just trying to feel okay. After being so depressed recently I think it's best to just find my happy place.

    Totally makes sense man. It's NEVER a bad idea to do some work on yourself.

    51 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

    I think Ikar and I have also posted similar thoughts on this. I read online dating profiles and keep seeing these bland women (i don't see men so I can't judge their profiles) that just say "family and friends are important to me. I want to have a good time. I like going out, but also like nights in. Hoping to find someone with things in common with". Those are so damn vague that you'll never find a partner who shares values with you. I think working on hobbies and interests puts you in an environment where you'll meet someone who shares the same values. 

    Church might share your religious values, hiking might share your physical activity values, book clubs or sports groups help those values, etc. I'm sticking with rock climbing, engineering, and digital art to find a woman. Those interests could also change, but at least I'm having fun doing them. 

    Definitely agree with just engaging in a community based around interests of yours. Just don't fall into the trap of doing it specifically to find a woman. They will smell that from a mile away.

    Agree about most online dating profiles. The problem is that there are so few women on there compared to men (allegedly, anyways) that they can get away with putting next to no effort in their profiles. In fact, society has seemed to drill this idea into men's heads that we have to put forth all the effort to woo the girl. What about us? Personally I think I'm a pretty cool guy and deserve some effort from the other side.

    But yeah... people have come up with all sorts of tricks and techniques and psychological hacks, etc. Don't get me wrong, I believe that they work. Until the woman finds out that it was just a facade you put on to lure her in and she realizes the person you really are isn't who you initially showed to her. I just have a hard time believing that every single guy can incorporate all these ideas and remain authentic.

    I dunno... I also believe I'm about as atypical as a guy gets and really don't believe in using psychological manipulation to sway people to me. It feels disgusting.

    • Like 2
  2. It makes sense that exercise helps you with your anxiety. Most forms of exercise release serotonin which is a natural anti-depressant and anxiety regulator. If you can keep up the exercise it will do you a world of good. Finding a meetup group to go hiking with is an excellent idea. Exercising as part of a community can only help even more I think. ?

      

    On 12/29/2019 at 6:13 PM, Erik2.0 said:

    Day 36 NF 5

    hoo just living the life. I got completely off dating apps just now . I’ve been feeling better since I disabled my accounts. For some reason they caused me stress and hurt my self esteem. So as long as I can see a doctor about my sleep disturbance and figure that out I’ll be looking pretty good. 
     

    I have too much anxiety or whatever to do a lot of things. This means I spend a lot of time just reading or watching tv. I sing a little but I feel like I’m just too wiped out for it most of the time . I am able to go lift at the gym 3-4 times a week so that’s good . ?

    God bless

    Erik

    I recently made the decision to stop trying so hard with dating as well. I think you hit the nail on the head earlier. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness. Become the best version of yourself through nurturing your hobbies and passions, accumulate awesome experiences and in general just live an amazing life. You'll become so much more comfortable being alone and single. Dating will become something optional. You will become much more selective with the people you allow the privilege of sharing your life with. You will not tolerate a mediocre relationship. All of these things are positive traits and will make you far more attractive than all those guys that use those psychological tricks to get women. You won't need any of those tricks because you are an amazing person that is worthy of being loved by another amazing person.

    Keep up the fight bro, you can do it!

    • Like 2
  3. 5 hours ago, Chitemple said:

    It's going okay, I'm 6 days off right now. 

    I need help positively affirming a future, with a good outcome

    Nice! One more day and you'll be a week in!

    Do you have any hopes or dreams for the future you want? What do you see yourself doing?

  4. On 1/3/2020 at 5:46 PM, ElectroNugget said:

    Welcome back man. You can do this! I hope the counseling works out for you. Keep us posted here too. ?

    Thanks man, I had an amazing day today and looking forward to even better ones going forward!

    • Like 1
  5. Even if you don't feel like you have an addiction, there are two questions I would encourage you to ask yourself:

    1) Can you actually stop gaming? If the answer is no, that is a serious indicator of an addiction.

    2) 5 hours per day on a video game is a lot by any standard. Do you have other goals in life that might be more meaningful to you than playing games that much? You may not be addicted but spending that much time on video games might be stopping you from doing other things you really want to do.

  6. 43 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

    @seriousjay I understand now. Sorry.  I agree. I've been very kind to coworkers which helps but also I get taken advantage of in situations. I'm trying to find that balance. I agree about the mom thing. Our relationship will always be different unfortunately. The forum thing is different. I can explain that in private later on. 

    Hopefully this year brings some more balance and clarity to my approach. 

    The ear plugs won't work since my bed frame shakes. I'd still feel these issue. I got dampers for the legs to stand on to absorb vibration and am having the furnace examined. 

    Thanks for your advice. 

    Believe me, I know what it feels like to give so much of yourself to people and get nothing back. I used to get very frustrated with that as well.

    I think the willingness to invest so much of yourself to helping others is a very positive quality. If you can temper your expectations, this will serve you extremely well in attracting high quality people into your life. Those that will appreciate what you do without you having to say or do anything to call attention to it.

    There will always be those who try to take advantage of you-I actually feel very sorry for those people. That their lives are so miserable that they feel they need to do such things to find happiness. In time, those types of people won't bother you anymore. You will give of yourself and if they continue to take and take without adding value back to your life, you'll be able to walk away from those people without any resentment. And it IS OK to say no when you really don't want to do something for someone. That is something that took me a very long time to come to terms with. You deserve to be happy and appreciated.

    Hope that helps!

    • Like 2
  7. 1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

    I discovered the reason I'm not sleeping well. I'm afraid to go to bed because I don't want to have another poor night sleep. Although my floors don't rattle here compared to my old apartment, the furnace that intakes and distributes heat to the house via forced air is very loud. Every 5th-10th time it intakes cold air to produce hot air it makes an extremely loud noise and vibrates way more than any other time. It sounds like someone is hitting it with a hammer! It's that loud!

    This will just wake me up in the middle of the night similar to my old apartment. This irritates me and makes me mad. It also gives me memories of my old apartment, making me more mad. It also makes me think about how I've yet moved to another place where I can't get any sleep. I sit there in self defeat and get even more mad.

    I try to go to bed and I can't once I'm awake. I get a stomach ache right away, and as mentioned before I have a fear of stomach issues, so I start to get anxiety on top of the anger. I go for a walk, I breathe, I watch TV or do something to relax. Unfortunately, I was using porn to relax at my old apartment. I've now developed a habit of watching porn to calm down after waking up so I can escape my frustrations.

    This failure and relapse with porn ends up making me more mad so I can't sleep again.

    Some people have mentioned meditation. Meditation makes me focus on the sounds and feelings of my environment. It has me focus on what I'm hearing and feeling in my body as I root through the ground. When I root through the ground I feel my floor shaking. When I hear sounds I hear my furnace slamming and choking since it's clogged.

    I'm not going to ignore my problems through meditation. I think there's a time and place for it. What I did instead was call my landlord and tell her to fix my furnace. So she's having someone come down to clean it out, replace the filter, and see if there's anything warped in the metal paneling that is causing it to deform so much when it turns on. It shakes so much that a ceiling panel fell on it and broke. 

    @Amphibian220 music definitely sways me. If I get depressed and listen to bands like Deftones or another depressing band I get into a very bad state of mind and can't escape. It's terrible. I agree with you there. I have to avoid angry, sad, or grunge music when I'm upset. Electronic or atmospheric music really helps or just not listening to anything at all. Maybe a podcast helps as well actually.

    Having the heating issues has made me frustrated with living situations. I want to find a new apartment or a home. Buying a home is not a good idea. Next year is the best year for me to buy a home for multiple financial reasons so I've dedicated the next year to studying, living easier, and getting an apartment again. Maybe with some luck I'll find something bearable that allows me to sleep. I need sleep. Please give me sleep.

     

    This might be a really stupid question, but have you tried ear plugs or ear muffs?

    • Like 1
  8. 2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    I agree and unfortunately disagree with a few things. Thank you for sharing your story.

    I think forgiving my mom will help me let go of my anger. I agree with that. The issue is I have tried so many different ways at discussing these issues with her during my 6 months with her last year. Nothing worked. I tried being nice. I tried sitting down face to face for long periods of time. I tried screaming at her. I tried belittling her. I tried friendly chat. I tried open heart to hearts. I tried walking and talking. I tried treating her well for the first 3 months living there and having dinner conversations to discuss stuff. I tried talking on the phone for 10 years. I tried writing letters to her. It goes through one ear and out the other. She does this to everyone in the family. I honestly believe she has a mental illness and the only way I'll be able to forgive her is just never speak to her about anything important, view my life status as a victory in the disagreements we have, and just move on and have vague family conversations with her. 

    I agree with letting go of the anger, but the only issue is how stressful my life has been. Every time something happens I can trace it back to an initial cause and that sparks back all of the initial forms of hostility I had. This in turn makes my anger worse.

    The only way I feel better is by having total control. I choose not to talk to them for long periods of time. When we do talk, I control all of the conversation and keep it short. That's been the only way I've been able to get progress in life regarding any family issues. I still don't even talk to the rest of my family and most people in my family agree why. They don't even like each other. I talk to a few one on one over the phone and they give me 100% support and agree with all of my complaints. It's just a very messed up family.

    I asked my aunt if she thought there was any sort of "psychotic" gene in the family that gets passed down through some sort of family trait or genetics. She said yes because she could pinpoint people on my grandmother's side who just went nuts and some of my family members still exhibit those behaviors. I think I may have dodged it, but then again based off of how I've been acting with my anger maybe I'm just a cognizant member of that deformed family lineage. 

    I appreciate the advice and fully agree. I'm just in a tricky situation. 

    I also don't feel like women owe me something. That's kind of a selfish statement. I've stated I want equality in relationships. The only thing I've stated about women is I think they're going to cheat on me if I date them or abuse me sexually and mentally like the ones in my past. I've recovered from two treacherous relationships where I was sexually abused and manipulated. I don't believe I've said anything regarding a woman or women owing me something so I have to strongly disagree with you there. 

    Unfortunately, there will be instances in life where you simply cannot get through to someone no matter how hard you try. I'm very sorry one of those people in your life is your mother, that is really unfortunate. However, forgiving someone doesn't mean them accepting it. When I say forgive her, I mean in your heart and mind. You, at least, can be at peace with the relationship you have with your mother, regardless of her relationship with you, no matter how bad or toxic it is. Remember, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I think you're doing the right thing by setting boundaries and managing your interactions with her.

    Additionally, if you meet her hostility and other negative attitudes with love, kindness and compassion, it will completely disarm her. She won't be able to touch you at all. This sort of approach may be the only way to get through to her, because talking to her clearly isn't working.

    If you can get yourself to this point, where you love her and others unconditionally regardless of what they do or say to you, you'll be amazed at how empowered you will feel in your interactions with them. There is literally nothing anyone can say or do to you at that point that has any power over you.

    So regarding the stress of your life, unfortunately the hatred and anger is only fueling it. I'm sure you know this already. Meeting a negative emotion with another negative emotion only compounds the problem. Next time see if you can take a more compassionate approach with yourself. If nothing else, you have awareness of your issues and struggles and realize there's something you can do about it, even if you don't know what that something is. Many people go through life without ever realizing how much control they have over their circumstances.

    When I mentioned feeling like you're owed something, I was talking about the world and people in general. You mentioned things like feeling angry that your coworkers don't reciprocate your kindness. Or that people on this forum don't reciprocate what you give them. That's feeling like you're owed something for what you do for people. Your reaction to them not giving something back to you is actually attracting more of the same.

    See if you can change your attitude. Be kind to people because you want to be kind to them, not because you're hoping they or the universe or whatever will give you something back. In time, that attitude will attract the people into your life that will respond in kind-they'll be more than happy to do things for you for no other reason than you're a friend.

    I realize none of these changes are easy. It took me months of extremely diligent practice to shake off a lot of these types of attitudes, but it absolutely can be done if you want it and are willing to put forth the effort.

     

    • Like 1
  9. Well after a mini-relapse back into gaming for 5 days (and way, way too much eating during that time) I've recommitted to my long-term goals. So far 2020 has gotten off on the right foot.

    The online counselling service I signed up for has a journaling section and for some reason I find it much easier to dump my raw, unfiltered thoughts on there. You know those thoughts you have when someone asks you how you REALLY feel? Yeah, those ones. Will be interesting to see if dumping stuff on there makes it easier for me to work through whatever is holding me back right now.

    • Like 1
  10. On 12/30/2019 at 9:03 AM, Ikar said:

    The great thing about this is that if both parties are humble, then they are both oriented towards solving the problem, rather than playing some blame game. In a strange way, we are not only responsible for our own behavior, but also for everyone else's. We influence the people we are in contact with as well who in turn influence other people... and the whole world. The trick is figuring out how much responsibility we are able to handle.

    If you feel like you should cut your contribution here partially or completely, then do it. I won't hold a grudge against you.

    I remember either hearing or reading somewhere the following: You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.

    Pretty damn true.

    On 12/30/2019 at 7:14 AM, Phoenixking said:

    This reminds me of another story I heard about Ghandi. True or not, I find it to be inspiring. He'd told his son that the car needed to be taken care of. He asked him to drive along with him to his job and then take the car to the repair shop to have it serviced. Afterwards his kid would pick him up from work. Instead, the kid slacked off and went to the movies. He never has any shot to see any movies and needed the car to get to the theater. So he went to see a movie, lost track of time and didn't get the car serviced. When he picked his dad up, he had to admit what he'd done and was anxious to receive his punishment for slacking off. Instead of anger, Gandhi chose reflection. He said the kid could go on with the car and drive home and that he'd walk himself. He'd use the walk home to ask himself and seriously contemplate what he'd done to make his son the type of person who'd chose movies over duty. Had he been too strict with him? Should he take him to see movies more often? Did he give him too much responsibility too soon? Etc... I like how he took responsibility for his son's actions and didn't point the finger at his own kid, instead choosing to point the finger at himself and asking himself what he did wrong exactly and how to prevent stuff like that from happening in the future.

    Geezes... this is EXACTLY the type of parent I want to be! I have always felt your childrens' failures are a direct reflection on you and it's great that Gandhi agrees. ?

    On 12/30/2019 at 2:22 AM, BooksandTrees said:

    To the people posting above: I think I just thought that since I was taking the time to read through people's posts and them read through mine we'd have some familiarity. I don't think we'd ever be friends, but just the knowledge from learning about others would be retained. Some people have the attention to detail while others have changed and it's just frustrating to see. I feel like the community has lost its community feel to it over the past few months as people have become more detached from other's journals. I think people were more committed to helping others at one point of the year versus the current time. 

    It might not be the same for others, but it's something I've noticed over time and I've felt a large disconnect because of it.

    I do want to say I really appreciate the efforts from @Ikar and @Vera over the past year. 

    Saturday I made 62 weeks. 

    You're on the right track about online friends IMO. It's not really friendship. At best, camaraderie. I believe friendship requires the physical element.

    18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    Does anyone know how to calm down from anxiety before bed without masturbation or porn? I've struggled with it all my life and video games let me exhaust myself before bed so I couldn't become anxious. I've watched porn before bed for 15 years now almost every night. Idk what to do. I'm struggling to quit. Mediation hasn't helped much. I tried watching tv, but it's not engaging enough. Whenever I get tired at night I just think about death, loneliness, and suffering. If I'm tired during the day it's a blissful nap. I wish I could be comforted. 

    You're trying to avoid or dull the anxiety. This will never work.

    Instead, try getting curious and objective about the anxiety. Whatever anger, depression, anxiety, whatever you're feeling, remind yourself that it's only true if you want it to be true. If you let it be true. Then ask questions. What is triggering me right now? What can I do about it? Is there actually any truth to what I'm thinking or feeling? Staring it in the face and forcing it to prove its validity usually works to completely disarm it... because the vast majority of the time, the anxiety is complete bullshit. It's usually your inner critic trying to make you feel inferior or whatever and it's almost always based on nothing of substance. I've had several pretty bad anxiety attacks over the last year or so and this is what I used to calm it down.

    Regarding your hatred for your mother: My relationship with my dad was bad for a very long time. I held on to years of anger and resentment. He spent at least 10 months out of the year in Ukraine and went back and forth a couple of times. I dreaded every single time he came back. I blamed him for so many of my problems. When he came back, I didn't want to see him. Part of it was due to shame as well, I will admit. It wasn't until I confronted him about this stuff several times that my healing began. Telling your mother about how she's made you feel over the years sucks, and you may have to do it a few more times, but that'll help you resolve those internal issues with her I think.

    Also regarding your mother: It is critically important you find a way to forgive her, as well as anyone else you feel may have wronged you over the years. Holding on to that anger is only fuelling all the negative emotions you're currently experiencing. I can tell you that many of the views you have about women, feeling like other people owe you something, etc. is exactly how I used to feel as well. I can't point to any one thing that helped me overcome these issues but a big part of it was learning to forgive and let go.

    Hope this helped.

    • Like 5
  11. 1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

    Ah yes,  my favorite game. When they or you wait exactly 9 minutes and 45 seconds to reply to each text. 

    I agree and thank you for this slice of advice as well. I have the same belief in leading this style of life. The only issue I have is pursuing it and being comfortable working hard for things I enjoy. I've gotten better with instant gratification due to quitting video games and social media, but porn can creep in and when it's not porn it's junk food. Funny how the body and mind remembers so well. 

    Oh believe me, I am very well aware of the effects of junk food. I've managed to ditch the pornography and I masturbate a few times a week at most. There is actually a lot of science to suggest occasional masturbation is very healthy for you as long as you can keep it under control, but I digress.

    One thing that works for me when it comes to junk food is the 5 minute rule. When you get the craving, go do something else for 5 minutes and tell yourself if you still want the junk food after that, then you'll go get it. Usually after the 5 minutes you won't even remember wanting the junk food in the first place. It works almost every time. The issue is having the discipline to apply this rule each time the craving comes up. As with everything, it gets better over time.

    • Like 2
  12. 9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    Thank you. I completely agree. I think today was a great day for me to practice this and heal a bit.

    Despite having basically zero relationship experience, I am also pretty confident in saying that the same advice will help you attract higher quality women. I've heard all the rules of waiting 3 days after a date to text them, not responding to them right away when they text you even if you're laying in bed staring at the ceiling, acting all aloof and uninterested during a date...

    If you build a life that you're proud of and passionate about, that is going to show in your relations with women and I think it's something that would be extremely attractive. It shows her that this guy is worth something, that his life is going somewhere. Don't respond right away because you're working on an important project, or you're away on a business trip and have limited access to your phone. Don't be busy for the sake of being busy.

    If you do this, you're also going to learn something about your standards as well. You're not going to want the clingy ones that can't do anything for themselves because you won't have time for that. You're no longer going to tolerate women that do not reciprocate what you do for them, not because you're counting how many times you've done things, but because you have immense respect for yourself. That respect simply won't allow people to walk all over you.

    I've always thought the best advice for attracting the right women into your life is becoming the best possible version of yourself. That means becoming comfortable and even happy being single. You want someone that will complement your already full and awesome life. You don't need anyone to "complete" you.

    Best of luck brother, cheers!

    • Like 3
  13. When I first started making friends after quitting games I too felt pressure to constantly attend social events. What I've learned is that your real friends don't track how many of their events you've been to, how many times you've messaged them first, how often you pay vs. them paying, etc.

    Instead, focus on yourself. Focus on the things that are important to you and work on them. Be busy because you're building a life. To what should be no one's surprise, the high quality people are doing the same thing and completely understand when you tell them you can't attend their event, or you can't talk to them because you're in the middle of something important, etc. They're in the same boat!

    If you can manage to do this, you'll solve a great deal of your problems. You'll be more confident and assertive because you know what you want and aren't afraid to say no when you simply can't make it.

    That being said, it's a lot easier to say than to put into practice!

    • Like 2
  14. So just an update on how things are going:

    Last week my sister decided to start cutting herself to cope with her emotional pain. I thought I could manage this until last night when she sent me a text on my way to the gym saying she was going to cut herself for fun. I took her to the hospital and we are now taking this matter very seriously. Last night was the first time in my life that I can remember being legitimately scared.

    I've been overeating nearly every day for the last 3 or 4 months. I'm starting to wonder if that's been my own coping mechanism, but for what specifically I don't know. I've been able to quit video games and stay away from them really well. The fast food never really went away. I've signed up for online counselling to try to sort things out. First session is on Sunday. Maybe it's been my depression coping mechanism, maybe an unresolved issue from the past. Whatever the case, I'm confident I can figure this out.

    Looking forward to good days ahead.

  15. So today for the first time in my life I am giving serious consideration to the possibility that I need some sort of treatment for depression. I am currently having a particularly bad experience. I've started a depression log to figure out just how often this happens and I'm going to record specific things like when, what I was feeling, what I tried to self-treat it, how long it lasted, what ultimately caused it to stop, etc.

    As someone who has always been adamant that self-care and making life improvements is the best cure for this kind of stuff, admitting all this is depressing in and of itself. However, this feels like it happens often enough that I'm going to start paying more attention to it. For now I'll just keep track of things and seeing if that helps at all.

    • Like 1
  16. OK I guess if nothing else I can use this as a way to express my thoughts on everything that's going on so here goes.

    I don't think my desperation and neediness has anything to do with a lack of options. I believe it stems from the following:

    - concerns about my age (33), and being able to find a partner and still be able to have a family, which is critically important to me
    - concerns about spending prime years of my life alone and not enjoying them with someone else and by that I mean I don't want to rush into starting a family, I want to spend a lot of time with someone before moving on to marriage/family/etc. kind of things
    - concerns about how long it's going to take to get myself "right" before I can pursue a healthy relationship

    Whether or not any of the above is rational or based in fact, those are the issues that I need to deal with.

    Some other things that are going on:

    - occasionally when I get a text while I'm dating someone, I'll get a short burst of anxiety about whether or not it's them that's texted me
    - when I meet new women it doesn't take long for me to start fantasizing about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them
    - I have this idea somewhere deep down that women are these perfect creatures that can do no wrong and it's my job to impress them in order for them to want to be with me

    Again, whether or not any of this makes sense, these are things that I'm dealing with. These aren't conscious thoughts that I get. They come out as feelings and emotions, or random thoughts I didn't consciously come up with. Especially with point #2, I'll occasionally allow myself to get caught up in them before I snap back to reality.

    My last interaction with a new woman was someone who texted me about doing indoor rock climbing together. She got my number from the climbing gym. At first I was able to keep myself in check and recognize that she's probably only looking for that, but it quickly turned in my mind into a potential dating opportunity. Even though it was plainly obvious to me during our climbing session that a climbing partner was, in fact, all she wanted, I still attempted to plant the seeds of something more. She picked up on that and doesn't want to continue climbing with me because of it.

    I don't really know what the "norm" is for gaming addicts with respect to life experiences, but I'm in a situation where the first 32 years of my life were not spent making any progress towards what I really wanted out of life. From reading a lot of journals and other posts around here, it seems like a lot of people still mostly lived fairly normal lives and were making progress towards bigger and better things, and were just hampered by a gaming addiction. Not so for me.

    I learned this year that I really love music and want to learn an instrument, so I play the violin. I knew for a long time I had a passion for creativity and making up stories and characters, but it wasn't until the beginning of this year that I started doing something with that. I wasn't much of a reader at all until this year as well. Even my fitness, I didn't really start taking it very seriously until August of last year. Essentially, the way I see it, my life didn't actually begin until late August last year.

    I've made some AMAZING progress since that time. I think I'm mostly in a really great spot both physically and mentally. I'm very happy with the majority of my behaviours, attitudes, etc. My mistake was trying to find a girlfriend before I really learned how to love myself and be comfortable and happy just being alone. Another thing I've made amazing progress with. I don't think I'm that far off. That's what I need to really learn - how to be single. How to be happy and comfortable being alone. I think I'm on the right track to getting there.

    I still have one major issue (fast food) that I don't even want anyone else to have to deal with. I've seen what addictions can do to friendships, families, relationships, etc. and my one major goal for 2020 is to overcome that. If that's the only major thing I accomplish in 2020, I'll be extremely happy with that, and I think overcoming that issue is going to be the catalyst for major progress everywhere else.

  17. 4 hours ago, Ikar said:

    How do your social circles look like? Do you have a social hobby outside of school/work, assuming these are not your passions? When/how do you meet attractive women in person?

    Give yourself venues to meet other people, preferably with shared interests. I think it's extremely difficult to try and have a romantic relationship without having a solid footing in the social environment as a whole, so nurture male friendships as well.

    Neediness and desperation come from the mindset that you have only X options and no matter how much that X actually is, you think that X is woefully low. It is scarcity mindset. I don't know what your age group is, but take a walk around some place for half an hour, like university campus or a department store, notice good-looking women and count them. It doesn't matter whether there's a guy right next to her holding her hand. Just count.

    All these suggestions/questions are fairly general, but I hope they will help you take stock of how are you currently doing in the social (dating) environment!

    To answer your questions directly, my social circle is actually very healthy. I've got a good mix of both male and female friends that I can reach out to at any time. It isn't a huge group, but I prefer deep over shallow. I don't go out too often, but that's by choice rather than necessity. If I really wanted to I could be doing something social with friends nearly every day.

    Your advice will be very useful at a later time so thanks for it, but right now I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend even if I was in a relationship.

    I actually do not care at all about "having options". The concept doesn't even register in my mind. If I only ever have a relationship and sex with one girl ever (assuming it leads to a life-long partnership), I'm completely happy with that. I find the entire dating and chasing thing extremely exhausting. In short, the typical "rules of the game" really don't mean anything or apply to me. If that somehow means I won't ever find the right person, I'm at peace with that, at least in my head. That being said, all of this may change as I become more confident and sure of myself. I just hope I don't lose the parts of myself that I value in the process.

    I'll post more later but I gotta go!

  18. I made a very important discovery about myself today.

    Despite all the work I've done on myself, moving towards my goals, etc., I am still needy and desperate when it comes to relationships. I think about them a lot, I very quickly view any girl that fits within my standards as a potential partner and I'm starting to realize that any new woman I meet that isn't looking for a partner (ie., off Match) is picking up on this very quickly. I was convinced that I had gotten past this but it's pretty clear I haven't.

    Though I wouldn't change the way I've done anything since quitting games as all my experiences have taught me valuable lessons, it was clearly a mistake to try to date as early as I did. I'm getting the feeling that I've managed to mask the issue from myself through my poor nutrition and watching game videos from time to time. They've served to sort of protect me from the truth, I think. Now that I'm aware of what's going on, I'm not really sure what to do about it.

    My first instinct is to just keep doing the other things I've been doing. Working on my writing, reading and violin, and just continuing to build up those habits and hobbies that bring me happiness and joy away from being in a relationship. I actually think I've been on the right track and this awareness of this issue might just be the last thing I needed to really get myself going on the things that matter to me. I'd appreciate any other insights as well!

    One adjustment I'm going to make is with some of the music I listen to. I'm going to remove all the songs that have anything to do with relationships from my playlist.

    Well I can't pretend that I'm not going to continue to think about women and relationships and stuff. It's probably going to take a long time to rewire my brain to just be comfortable and happy being single, but I think being aware of what's going on is going to empower me to release those thoughts more easily and focus more on other stuff.

  19. On 12/6/2019 at 4:33 PM, Phoenixking said:

    Congratulations on your promotion! Also, I can relate to the being active stuff. I feel like I am just simply not worth anything if I'm not doing anything. I sometimes think that 'normal' people get their feeling of identity from who they are and what they stand for. I something feel like I'm not like that and I get that identity from what I'm doing or what I've done or achieved.

    That is actually the norm my friend. The majority of people allow their accomplishments, possessions, etc. define their self-worth. Very few look for it inside because you can't show off what's inside. This is probably one of the main reasons why video games make such a big deal out of achievements, goals, etc. To prey on that desperate need of most people for external validation (along with the dopamine hits those achievements give of course).

    The ironic thing is that deriving your self-worth from within hardens you against attacks on your self-worth from without, which most people struggle with on a daily basis I think. If you have a deep confidence in yourself, of who you are, what you believe in and that what you're doing resonates with your core values, there is very little anyone or anything can do to you to make you doubt yourself.

    Congratulations on your promotion, @BooksandTrees!

    On 12/5/2019 at 7:50 PM, BooksandTrees said:

    I'm just going to not think about it and see where life takes me.

    If you apply this bit to all areas of life, not just love, I think you'll find a great deal of happiness and that elusive inner peace. It's so much easier to be happy with where we're at if we're not constantly resisting against our external circumstances. Just control what you can control and trust that whatever higher power you believe in has a plan for the rest.

    • Like 3
×
×
  • Create New...