seriousjay

Totally makes sense man. It's NEVER a bad idea to do some work on yourself. Definitely agree with just engaging in a community based around interests of yours. Just don't fall into the trap of doing it specifically to find a woman. They will smell that from a mile away. Agree about most online dating profiles. The problem is that there are so few women on there compared to men (allegedly, anyways) that they can get away with putting next to no effort in their profiles. In fact, society has seemed to drill this idea into men's heads that we have to put forth all the effort to woo the girl. What about us? Personally I think I'm a pretty cool guy and deserve some effort from the other side. But yeah... people have come up with all sorts of tricks and techniques and psychological hacks, etc. Don't get me wrong, I believe that they work. Until the woman finds out that it was just a facade you put on to lure her in and she realizes the person you really are isn't who you initially showed to her. I just have a hard time believing that every single guy can incorporate all these ideas and remain authentic. I dunno... I also believe I'm about as atypical as a guy gets and really don't believe in using psychological manipulation to sway people to me. It feels disgusting.

It makes sense that exercise helps you with your anxiety. Most forms of exercise release serotonin which is a natural anti-depressant and anxiety regulator. If you can keep up the exercise it will do you a world of good. Finding a meetup group to go hiking with is an excellent idea. Exercising as part of a community can only help even more I think. ? I recently made the decision to stop trying so hard with dating as well. I think you hit the nail on the head earlier. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness. Become the best version of yourself through nurturing your hobbies and passions, accumulate awesome experiences and in general just live an amazing life. You'll become so much more comfortable being alone and single. Dating will become something optional. You will become much more selective with the people you allow the privilege of sharing your life with. You will not tolerate a mediocre relationship. All of these things are positive traits and will make you far more attractive than all those guys that use those psychological tricks to get women. You won't need any of those tricks because you are an amazing person that is worthy of being loved by another amazing person. Keep up the fight bro, you can do it!

Nice work! Definitely sounds like something to be proud of. Keep it up!

Hi there @abdulrahman muawad! Welcome to the forum. Here's a guide for new hobbies you can try: https://gamequitters.com/hobby-ideas/ If you have any further questions, feel free to reach out!

Nice! One more day and you'll be a week in! Do you have any hopes or dreams for the future you want? What do you see yourself doing?

Thanks man, I had an amazing day today and looking forward to even better ones going forward!

That's a hell of a story! I'll make sure to check out your journal to see how you've been doing. ?

Hi there @Chitemple, how's it going so far in 2020? It seems like you have a lot going on, what is the one area you would say you'd like help with the most?

A little late but thanks for the well wishes! I'd like to extend the same. Happy New Year everyone! Make 2020 the best year of your life! (so far... :D)

My sister has a friend who is struggling with something similar. For her it's an imbalance in hormone levels or something that they discovered from a blood test. That would be another thing to take a look at.

Even if you don't feel like you have an addiction, there are two questions I would encourage you to ask yourself: 1) Can you actually stop gaming? If the answer is no, that is a serious indicator of an addiction. 2) 5 hours per day on a video game is a lot by any standard. Do you have other goals in life that might be more meaningful to you than playing games that much? You may not be addicted but spending that much time on video games might be stopping you from doing other things you really want to do.

Believe me, I know what it feels like to give so much of yourself to people and get nothing back. I used to get very frustrated with that as well. I think the willingness to invest so much of yourself to helping others is a very positive quality. If you can temper your expectations, this will serve you extremely well in attracting high quality people into your life. Those that will appreciate what you do without you having to say or do anything to call attention to it. There will always be those who try to take advantage of you-I actually feel very sorry for those people. That their lives are so miserable that they feel they need to do such things to find happiness. In time, those types of people won't bother you anymore. You will give of yourself and if they continue to take and take without adding value back to your life, you'll be able to walk away from those people without any resentment. And it IS OK to say no when you really don't want to do something for someone. That is something that took me a very long time to come to terms with. You deserve to be happy and appreciated. Hope that helps!

This might be a really stupid question, but have you tried ear plugs or ear muffs?

Unfortunately, there will be instances in life where you simply cannot get through to someone no matter how hard you try. I'm very sorry one of those people in your life is your mother, that is really unfortunate. However, forgiving someone doesn't mean them accepting it. When I say forgive her, I mean in your heart and mind. You, at least, can be at peace with the relationship you have with your mother, regardless of her relationship with you, no matter how bad or toxic it is. Remember, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I think you're doing the right thing by setting boundaries and managing your interactions with her. Additionally, if you meet her hostility and other negative attitudes with love, kindness and compassion, it will completely disarm her. She won't be able to touch you at all. This sort of approach may be the only way to get through to her, because talking to her clearly isn't working. If you can get yourself to this point, where you love her and others unconditionally regardless of what they do or say to you, you'll be amazed at how empowered you will feel in your interactions with them. There is literally nothing anyone can say or do to you at that point that has any power over you. So regarding the stress of your life, unfortunately the hatred and anger is only fueling it. I'm sure you know this already. Meeting a negative emotion with another negative emotion only compounds the problem. Next time see if you can take a more compassionate approach with yourself. If nothing else, you have awareness of your issues and struggles and realize there's something you can do about it, even if you don't know what that something is. Many people go through life without ever realizing how much control they have over their circumstances. When I mentioned feeling like you're owed something, I was talking about the world and people in general. You mentioned things like feeling angry that your coworkers don't reciprocate your kindness. Or that people on this forum don't reciprocate what you give them. That's feeling like you're owed something for what you do for people. Your reaction to them not giving something back to you is actually attracting more of the same. See if you can change your attitude. Be kind to people because you want to be kind to them, not because you're hoping they or the universe or whatever will give you something back. In time, that attitude will attract the people into your life that will respond in kind-they'll be more than happy to do things for you for no other reason than you're a friend. I realize none of these changes are easy. It took me months of extremely diligent practice to shake off a lot of these types of attitudes, but it absolutely can be done if you want it and are willing to put forth the effort.

Well after a mini-relapse back into gaming for 5 days (and way, way too much eating during that time) I've recommitted to my long-term goals. So far 2020 has gotten off on the right foot. The online counselling service I signed up for has a journaling section and for some reason I find it much easier to dump my raw, unfiltered thoughts on there. You know those thoughts you have when someone asks you how you REALLY feel? Yeah, those ones. Will be interesting to see if dumping stuff on there makes it easier for me to work through whatever is holding me back right now.

I remember either hearing or reading somewhere the following: You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce. Pretty damn true. Geezes... this is EXACTLY the type of parent I want to be! I have always felt your childrens' failures are a direct reflection on you and it's great that Gandhi agrees. ? You're on the right track about online friends IMO. It's not really friendship. At best, camaraderie. I believe friendship requires the physical element. You're trying to avoid or dull the anxiety. This will never work. Instead, try getting curious and objective about the anxiety. Whatever anger, depression, anxiety, whatever you're feeling, remind yourself that it's only true if you want it to be true. If you let it be true. Then ask questions. What is triggering me right now? What can I do about it? Is there actually any truth to what I'm thinking or feeling? Staring it in the face and forcing it to prove its validity usually works to completely disarm it... because the vast majority of the time, the anxiety is complete bullshit. It's usually your inner critic trying to make you feel inferior or whatever and it's almost always based on nothing of substance. I've had several pretty bad anxiety attacks over the last year or so and this is what I used to calm it down. Regarding your hatred for your mother: My relationship with my dad was bad for a very long time. I held on to years of anger and resentment. He spent at least 10 months out of the year in Ukraine and went back and forth a couple of times. I dreaded every single time he came back. I blamed him for so many of my problems. When he came back, I didn't want to see him. Part of it was due to shame as well, I will admit. It wasn't until I confronted him about this stuff several times that my healing began. Telling your mother about how she's made you feel over the years sucks, and you may have to do it a few more times, but that'll help you resolve those internal issues with her I think. Also regarding your mother: It is critically important you find a way to forgive her, as well as anyone else you feel may have wronged you over the years. Holding on to that anger is only fuelling all the negative emotions you're currently experiencing. I can tell you that many of the views you have about women, feeling like other people owe you something, etc. is exactly how I used to feel as well. I can't point to any one thing that helped me overcome these issues but a big part of it was learning to forgive and let go. Hope this helped.

Oh believe me, I am very well aware of the effects of junk food. I've managed to ditch the pornography and I masturbate a few times a week at most. There is actually a lot of science to suggest occasional masturbation is very healthy for you as long as you can keep it under control, but I digress. One thing that works for me when it comes to junk food is the 5 minute rule. When you get the craving, go do something else for 5 minutes and tell yourself if you still want the junk food after that, then you'll go get it. Usually after the 5 minutes you won't even remember wanting the junk food in the first place. It works almost every time. The issue is having the discipline to apply this rule each time the craving comes up. As with everything, it gets better over time.

Despite having basically zero relationship experience, I am also pretty confident in saying that the same advice will help you attract higher quality women. I've heard all the rules of waiting 3 days after a date to text them, not responding to them right away when they text you even if you're laying in bed staring at the ceiling, acting all aloof and uninterested during a date... If you build a life that you're proud of and passionate about, that is going to show in your relations with women and I think it's something that would be extremely attractive. It shows her that this guy is worth something, that his life is going somewhere. Don't respond right away because you're working on an important project, or you're away on a business trip and have limited access to your phone. Don't be busy for the sake of being busy. If you do this, you're also going to learn something about your standards as well. You're not going to want the clingy ones that can't do anything for themselves because you won't have time for that. You're no longer going to tolerate women that do not reciprocate what you do for them, not because you're counting how many times you've done things, but because you have immense respect for yourself. That respect simply won't allow people to walk all over you. I've always thought the best advice for attracting the right women into your life is becoming the best possible version of yourself. That means becoming comfortable and even happy being single. You want someone that will complement your already full and awesome life. You don't need anyone to "complete" you. Best of luck brother, cheers!

When I first started making friends after quitting games I too felt pressure to constantly attend social events. What I've learned is that your real friends don't track how many of their events you've been to, how many times you've messaged them first, how often you pay vs. them paying, etc. Instead, focus on yourself. Focus on the things that are important to you and work on them. Be busy because you're building a life. To what should be no one's surprise, the high quality people are doing the same thing and completely understand when you tell them you can't attend their event, or you can't talk to them because you're in the middle of something important, etc. They're in the same boat! If you can manage to do this, you'll solve a great deal of your problems. You'll be more confident and assertive because you know what you want and aren't afraid to say no when you simply can't make it. That being said, it's a lot easier to say than to put into practice!

So just an update on how things are going: Last week my sister decided to start cutting herself to cope with her emotional pain. I thought I could manage this until last night when she sent me a text on my way to the gym saying she was going to cut herself for fun. I took her to the hospital and we are now taking this matter very seriously. Last night was the first time in my life that I can remember being legitimately scared. I've been overeating nearly every day for the last 3 or 4 months. I'm starting to wonder if that's been my own coping mechanism, but for what specifically I don't know. I've been able to quit video games and stay away from them really well. The fast food never really went away. I've signed up for online counselling to try to sort things out. First session is on Sunday. Maybe it's been my depression coping mechanism, maybe an unresolved issue from the past. Whatever the case, I'm confident I can figure this out. Looking forward to good days ahead.

So today for the first time in my life I am giving serious consideration to the possibility that I need some sort of treatment for depression. I am currently having a particularly bad experience. I've started a depression log to figure out just how often this happens and I'm going to record specific things like when, what I was feeling, what I tried to self-treat it, how long it lasted, what ultimately caused it to stop, etc. As someone who has always been adamant that self-care and making life improvements is the best cure for this kind of stuff, admitting all this is depressing in and of itself. However, this feels like it happens often enough that I'm going to start paying more attention to it. For now I'll just keep track of things and seeing if that helps at all.

OK I guess if nothing else I can use this as a way to express my thoughts on everything that's going on so here goes. I don't think my desperation and neediness has anything to do with a lack of options. I believe it stems from the following: - concerns about my age (33), and being able to find a partner and still be able to have a family, which is critically important to me - concerns about spending prime years of my life alone and not enjoying them with someone else and by that I mean I don't want to rush into starting a family, I want to spend a lot of time with someone before moving on to marriage/family/etc. kind of things - concerns about how long it's going to take to get myself "right" before I can pursue a healthy relationship Whether or not any of the above is rational or based in fact, those are the issues that I need to deal with. Some other things that are going on: - occasionally when I get a text while I'm dating someone, I'll get a short burst of anxiety about whether or not it's them that's texted me - when I meet new women it doesn't take long for me to start fantasizing about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them - I have this idea somewhere deep down that women are these perfect creatures that can do no wrong and it's my job to impress them in order for them to want to be with me Again, whether or not any of this makes sense, these are things that I'm dealing with. These aren't conscious thoughts that I get. They come out as feelings and emotions, or random thoughts I didn't consciously come up with. Especially with point #2, I'll occasionally allow myself to get caught up in them before I snap back to reality. My last interaction with a new woman was someone who texted me about doing indoor rock climbing together. She got my number from the climbing gym. At first I was able to keep myself in check and recognize that she's probably only looking for that, but it quickly turned in my mind into a potential dating opportunity. Even though it was plainly obvious to me during our climbing session that a climbing partner was, in fact, all she wanted, I still attempted to plant the seeds of something more. She picked up on that and doesn't want to continue climbing with me because of it. I don't really know what the "norm" is for gaming addicts with respect to life experiences, but I'm in a situation where the first 32 years of my life were not spent making any progress towards what I really wanted out of life. From reading a lot of journals and other posts around here, it seems like a lot of people still mostly lived fairly normal lives and were making progress towards bigger and better things, and were just hampered by a gaming addiction. Not so for me. I learned this year that I really love music and want to learn an instrument, so I play the violin. I knew for a long time I had a passion for creativity and making up stories and characters, but it wasn't until the beginning of this year that I started doing something with that. I wasn't much of a reader at all until this year as well. Even my fitness, I didn't really start taking it very seriously until August of last year. Essentially, the way I see it, my life didn't actually begin until late August last year. I've made some AMAZING progress since that time. I think I'm mostly in a really great spot both physically and mentally. I'm very happy with the majority of my behaviours, attitudes, etc. My mistake was trying to find a girlfriend before I really learned how to love myself and be comfortable and happy just being alone. Another thing I've made amazing progress with. I don't think I'm that far off. That's what I need to really learn - how to be single. How to be happy and comfortable being alone. I think I'm on the right track to getting there. I still have one major issue (fast food) that I don't even want anyone else to have to deal with. I've seen what addictions can do to friendships, families, relationships, etc. and my one major goal for 2020 is to overcome that. If that's the only major thing I accomplish in 2020, I'll be extremely happy with that, and I think overcoming that issue is going to be the catalyst for major progress everywhere else.

To answer your questions directly, my social circle is actually very healthy. I've got a good mix of both male and female friends that I can reach out to at any time. It isn't a huge group, but I prefer deep over shallow. I don't go out too often, but that's by choice rather than necessity. If I really wanted to I could be doing something social with friends nearly every day. Your advice will be very useful at a later time so thanks for it, but right now I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend even if I was in a relationship. I actually do not care at all about "having options". The concept doesn't even register in my mind. If I only ever have a relationship and sex with one girl ever (assuming it leads to a life-long partnership), I'm completely happy with that. I find the entire dating and chasing thing extremely exhausting. In short, the typical "rules of the game" really don't mean anything or apply to me. If that somehow means I won't ever find the right person, I'm at peace with that, at least in my head. That being said, all of this may change as I become more confident and sure of myself. I just hope I don't lose the parts of myself that I value in the process. I'll post more later but I gotta go!

I made a very important discovery about myself today. Despite all the work I've done on myself, moving towards my goals, etc., I am still needy and desperate when it comes to relationships. I think about them a lot, I very quickly view any girl that fits within my standards as a potential partner and I'm starting to realize that any new woman I meet that isn't looking for a partner (ie., off Match) is picking up on this very quickly. I was convinced that I had gotten past this but it's pretty clear I haven't. Though I wouldn't change the way I've done anything since quitting games as all my experiences have taught me valuable lessons, it was clearly a mistake to try to date as early as I did. I'm getting the feeling that I've managed to mask the issue from myself through my poor nutrition and watching game videos from time to time. They've served to sort of protect me from the truth, I think. Now that I'm aware of what's going on, I'm not really sure what to do about it. My first instinct is to just keep doing the other things I've been doing. Working on my writing, reading and violin, and just continuing to build up those habits and hobbies that bring me happiness and joy away from being in a relationship. I actually think I've been on the right track and this awareness of this issue might just be the last thing I needed to really get myself going on the things that matter to me. I'd appreciate any other insights as well! One adjustment I'm going to make is with some of the music I listen to. I'm going to remove all the songs that have anything to do with relationships from my playlist. Well I can't pretend that I'm not going to continue to think about women and relationships and stuff. It's probably going to take a long time to rewire my brain to just be comfortable and happy being single, but I think being aware of what's going on is going to empower me to release those thoughts more easily and focus more on other stuff.

That is actually the norm my friend. The majority of people allow their accomplishments, possessions, etc. define their self-worth. Very few look for it inside because you can't show off what's inside. This is probably one of the main reasons why video games make such a big deal out of achievements, goals, etc. To prey on that desperate need of most people for external validation (along with the dopamine hits those achievements give of course). The ironic thing is that deriving your self-worth from within hardens you against attacks on your self-worth from without, which most people struggle with on a daily basis I think. If you have a deep confidence in yourself, of who you are, what you believe in and that what you're doing resonates with your core values, there is very little anyone or anything can do to you to make you doubt yourself. Congratulations on your promotion, @BooksandTrees! If you apply this bit to all areas of life, not just love, I think you'll find a great deal of happiness and that elusive inner peace. It's so much easier to be happy with where we're at if we're not constantly resisting against our external circumstances. Just control what you can control and trust that whatever higher power you believe in has a plan for the rest.