giblets

So I think I have found a disadvantage to working so much on my self awareness and self actualization lately. That is - hyper self awareness aka anxiety. I have had some really big bouts of anxiety in the last two weeks which I found difficult to overcome. The first one was about my relationships. I realised I was seeking more from my work relationships than I should - I was seeking them to be actual friendships. As a result, I always found them quite unfulfilling and I would get annoyed or frustrated when others prioritised different people or events over myself. After listening to some books and podcasts I have realised that I need to re-evaluate what I want from these relationships - and that is I just want them for work. As a result I have been feeling a lot better and confident about them, and a lot less frustrated, as I am not wanting so much more. The counter balance to this really has hurt though - the realisation I don't have any friends really out of work (and gaming), so I have been lonely AF. I have also become self aware of how I interact with people at work, which while I know I can't change instantly overnight (Cam's notion of recognise where you are in this process), gets me upset when I find myself slipping back to old habits of wanting more. This is going to take some serious work, and the change of environment in the next few months will help a lot. The second one is about my studies. I have realised I have not been giving it the focus it needs so therefore have become self aware of being left behind by my colleagues. The first of these is about technical aspects that I wont go into here, but the second is my language studies with Arch. I know I need to overcome both of these - because that is the whole point of studying is to get better and leverage others experience, work and skills, but I am unsure how to battle this one. This will need research and guidance.

Hey Will! I am curious about how you are going with your research paper. I am writing one for the first time this semester and the whole idea/concept of it is so daunting that I have not started at all - something I need to overcome very quickly. I'll check out that book! I think you'll benefit from Jocko's podcast as well, he covers a lot on discipline.

So much personal development going on, I think I need to start taking notes. Very thankful for the opportunities for reflection right now.

That is such a broad and open ended question. Why can people drink 1-2 beers and be fine, yet alcoholics exist? Why can people enjoy sex, yet sex addicts exist? People's control measures and receptors are different. Same as peoples immune systems are different or how their resilience copes with stress or anxiety. If we were all the same, we would all be NBA All-Stars and CEOs in our spare time.

So the last few weeks have been quite intense on several levels. I have continued to lurk on the forums, but have been traditionally against posting on my phone, maybe I should do that to add little tidbits here and there and get some interaction. The last few weeks have been heavy on reflection - forced by a recent leadership course I did with work which involved some feedback from people I have been working with and also involved some new reading materials which I have found quite interesting. I have learned a lot, to the point where it has almost felt like I have been drinking from a fire hose (go visual). Some of it has been restructuring what I want from people and what I am bringing to these relationships - something that I maybe needed a long time ago but got lost amongst my priorities. Part of this was from a discussion with @Cam Adair, where he questioned how I am brining myself to some relationships which is effecting what I want or thought I was getting out of them. It made me realise that I was spending far too much energy on the wrong relationships, and while I was spending time with my family or real friends, they weren't getting my energy. This has caused me to restructure how I am dealing with people at work, which I think will help me coming across less 'needy' (for the lack of a better term, it's not the right one), but also on the flip side be able to be more powerful or present in conversations or interactions that really matter. It's a balance and I have made a few slip ups so far but I think its really going in the right direction. The fallout from this has been that I have a bit of a void for social interaction which I need to fill. A recent podcast with Alicia Dunams comes to mind - where she said rather than trying to fill a void or eliminate something (loneliness/sadness), make no room for it. It is a more positive or optimistic way of looking at it, I now need to identify some opportunities of how to now allow any room for those feelings. Or rather, better language would be, I now am able to identify opportunities or things to focus on. It's going to be a rough few weeks until then most likely, but I am ready for it. The podcast is here. Have been thinking a lot about gaming this week which has required me to change my environment quite often. I think the underlying cause is the hobbies I have chosen to follow for the moment (running, Spanish, electronics) are 'high energy' activities. I need one that I can do when I am feeling low or having a break etc. The only option that has come to mind recently has been to allow myself to read some fiction books on my kindle. Maybe the Sharpe series, which I have been told is easy reading.

Our unconscious bias, and this case, the status quo bias. People naturally gravitate towards the option or the path that requires the least amount of input or change of them. Just keep moving forward, left foot right foot, but do't make a decision and don't rock the boat. Why? The herd mentality - as soon as they make a decision or rock the boat, suddenly they become the centre of attention and the possibility that the herd will reject them. I have done a bit of reading on unconscious bias recently and this is not uncommon. Average Joe can't see their biases and lack the self awareness to take action for self improvement... we don't know what we don't know.

Call me Tenacious Timmy... or not! Glad to hear from you buddy. Sorry I did not see this earlier - I have had a whirlwind few weeks which has resulted in me pushing time in front of the computer to a lower priority. These Retro nights, is retro clothes mandatory? Do you get to wear bellbottoms and big hair? All I would say mate is opportunity cost. I have been doing a lot of personal development in the last few weeks and the topic of opportunity cost keeps coming to mind. If you think you can spare a few minutes here or there with no opportunity cost (or minimal) then I don't see a barrier. What I think will happen though is with two kids that opportunity cost will always be high - whether it is spending time with your family or doing chores in preparation to spend time with them. I posted a long time ago how I 'allowed' myself to think about gaming or be open to return to gaming, but every time I thought I might, I realised there was something else that needed to be a higher priority - whether it was sleep, running, chores, etc. If you are skilled enough to keep that all together and have capacity for gaming, then I'd say go for it. But I'd then say teach me how you do it ? P.S. 241 days.... thats so close to 365!

Someone has to keep you in line @Cam Adair ?

I'm still here! I have been keeping myself on the move since I last posted (avoiding using the excuse 'busy'). So what's been happening. Having too kids is far more time consuming than I expected. While with my son I still found time to smash games as much as I could, it is not an option now even if I wanted to. If I am not taking care of my son while the wife deals with #2, I am doing chores in the background while she does that. I am puzzled how people with three or more kids can handle it, but I gather it is a bit of practice and efficiency, and a bit of delegation to said kids. It's all a blast though, and underlines why parents (or Dads mostly) would feel that urge to go away from gaming all together to maximise energy for their kids. I have finally started getting back into running. While conducting Spanish lessons with @Arch he made a comment when I said I was struggling a little - "have you still been exercising?" I have found it a challenge to prioritise running over the last month or so, which I think is from a bunch of different causes, but the main underlying one is I needed a new goal. I met up with a fellow runner the last few days and we were talking about doing a 100 mile run. This has been enough to get me to get back out there again. I haven't done one of my extended runs that I did prior to the trail, keeping my distances to 10km or less, but this weekend (Saturday to be exact) I intend getting back out there and stretch to 20km. Finished studies for first semester and passed with a credit. Not as good as previous semester which I was hoping for, but I found the content far more challenging. I learnt quite a lot more this semester though so that is the silver lining. This leaves one subject to go - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, which has only seemed achievable since the detox. Have started reading a new book as well to get me kick started out of my previous slump - Finish by Jon Acuff. Very powerful so far and I am only about half way through. I am really connecting with the content and looking forward to implementing some of his tasks to keep me moving at work and progressing. Earmarked to read a second time. @JustTom I think I have tried RescueTime before but I had technical challenges with it. The mobile version needs Google Services and from memory the desktop version needs Chrome. I don't have either of those pieces of software. It is the #1 recommendation I generally receive though. What I do know is my manual system was not working at all! I think it is possible to set up a notebook to carry that I can annotate throughout the day, as long as I make it easy and convenient so my brain doesn't give up.

I am contemplating conducting a "non-productive" detox. I have been thinking about this for a while, to take the detox even further and cut out anything that is not contributing to personal or professional development, eg phone, tv, radio, podcasts, reading, etc etc etc. I think I would get a lot out of it, especially with what I want to do it next year. There are two barriers I see to this that I need to overcome though, 1) some kind of way to measure my time usage throughout the day - the previous spreadsheet plan didn't work because it was too cumbersome to update on the go, so I assume the most effective then will be something on my phone; and 2) a way to be ok/accept that family time is not "dead" time. I know it isn't and I do enjoy spending time with them, but at the end of the day my brain gets frustrated as I have nothing to show for my time. Once I learn how to tackle both those barriers I am away with detox #2. Excited!

I'll let you know when the drives are back from the "shop" @stablish. The good news is there is no physical damage to the drives, looks like a partition/logic error. Fingers crossed they can get the data back.

Have been challenged to write anything interesting the last few days - have just been focused on catching up on reports and chores that I had neglected while I was studying and doing preparations for the next few weeks. The most valuable event that has occurred since my last post is a meeting with my leadership mentor. I am getting more and more out of these meetings these days - I am not entirely sure what I can associate that with. I assume it is improvements in self awareness that is making me more receptive. At a minimum what the meetings do is force me to sit and reflect on how I am progressing - sort of like a meditation session. I still don't have a good routine for meditation, I have tried a lot of different angles but can't seem to get something to stick. Open for suggestions!

I don't think those World Cup issues are isolated to you, there is an uproar over here from people not being able to watch it through the rights holder as their connection has consistently dropped out. I think they said there has not been a game yet without some kind of issue. If you've paid for it I would chase a refund!

Yesterday was a s-t-r-uggle to get out of bed. I stayed up way too late the night before and because I can't sleep in (thanks son) it takes me a few days to recover. I am feeling better today but I had to resort to caffeine to get myself going - I am still annoyed/frustrated that I am addicted to caffeine. It is a relatively harmless drug I guess but I don't like the notion of being addicted to anything anymore. I have tried drinking large amounts of water in the morning to see if the main cause was dehydration but I weirdly just get bored of it and it makes it hard to motivate myself to stay strong and force myself to do it. Symptoms of addiction I guess. Looking forward to starting up Spanish with @Arch! that will give me something extra to do to force myself to keep productive. Achieving a lot at work now too that my mind is not split in several directions. I got a few reports out yesterday that were sitting in my to do list for six weeks, and today I am going to go in early (once everyone else is awake) to start early before everyone else turns up and set the tempo. I really do get a kick out of being productive which is great. I have begun having thoughts about doing the 100km run again. Or a 100 mile in the states. What is driving me is being frustrated with the time that I got - which is similar to why I kept doing marathons. The challenge I face is the timeline to achieve them - if I push for early next year or end of this year I would have to find one in a different country I think (such as the states), or if I wait until 2020 then that is a long time to stay really fit and focused for. I would be so well prepared for it though. I need to spend some more time thinking about it, which I might do this weekend. Check into my favourite library and either read up on it or just reflect where there is no distractions.

Mate I have the same problems. This weekend has been really bad as I have realised that the majority of the people I interact with are work colleagues. I don't think I have my own 'tribe' or circle of friends outside of work, which I really need. Work friends are shit, all they ever want to do is talk about work and if you have heated debates then it impacts the workplace. I have tried many times to get or build a circle outside of work but it never seems to work. I always feel like I am on the outside looking in as by my age everyone has established their tribes and I'm just the outsider.

Congrats on the 90 days mate! Apologies I am a bit late to the party - hopefully you are feeling great! How is the Spanish going? Are you quite fluent by now? I have tried to pick it up several times in the past, so if you want to practice with a study partner I am keen!

Studies are finished for the semester, so I am looking forward to prioritizing this journal over the next few weeks. The challenge will be to stay productive and attack my pile of chores and to do lists rather than just waste the next few weeks. I do need to work out how to manage the anxiety and stress over the assignment deadlines though. It really gripped and crippled me on several occasions this semester and I really did not enjoy it - it took the focus away from learning and personal development and more towards damage control/panic prevention etc. First step - sort out my hard drives and set up the backup script with @stablish help!

Sorry I didn't respond before now @JustTom, I have been focusing really heavily on my studies over the last month. Didn't suffer from either depression or escapism. I got anxiety really bad because I never dealt with it for the last 5 years, so removing gaming really forced me to face that. Initially I was a little worried I wouldn't have anything to talk about with colleagues, but with the amount of podcasts I consume I seem to be relatively up to date with world affairs. Depression was around before I went on the detox as I thought I was wasting my life. Maybe it was not depression but more remorse or regret, but it had similar effects anyway. Because one of the drivers to go through the detox was to free up more time for studying and family, I made sure that time was used exactly for that rather than escaping through TV/movies/etc. I utilised Jocko Willink to help me embrace that mentality, and have several of his episodes saved as favourites on my phone that I replay often or get the urge to procrastinate. Not cravings per se now, more thoughts of nostalgia. Sometimes it is hard to differentiate between the two, but Cam's videos really helped. I compared it to the nostalgia I have over old friends and being back at school etc, while they are great to think about the 'good old times', nothing I am going to do will bring those back. Same with the games, its great to think about but even if I fired up those old games, it is not going to recapture the feeling I had the first time I played them.

Congrats mate! That's no small feat. Your personal development must be through the roof!

Sure did @JustTom! It took me two attempts (relapse at day 22) but I completed the detox approx 11 months ago. My celebration post is here. That's actually a great reminder that I was going to post again at 365 days, which would only be a month away! Wow time flies when you're having fun!

Hey, checking in on you @Bugg. Hope you're doing ok! I look forward to your next post.

Don't try to force it, thats when you are going to get angry or frustrated with yourself. Instead try to approach it with the mindset of channeling or embracing these extra feelings or thoughts. How can you make your current environment work for you? How can you make your thoughts or enthusiasm for topics work for you? One of my therapists told me a long time ago to not fight your feelings or try to control them, as it will make them worse or intensify them. You need to learn how to work or operate within them. I think you need to identify your triggers better and eliminate what is causing them, that would be attacking the problem at the source rather than the symptoms.

So the assignment is done! The anxiety/stress of trying to complete something worth 50% of my grade when I felt I was behind the eight ball due to procrastination and work has subsided, and been replaced with anxiety about what the mark/result will be. The difference is though I can't influence this one so I need to let it go and move on. I have a few other bits of study to do to round out the semester but that is essentially done for a few months now. I am excited and hesitant at the same time; excited because I get to attack some of the jobs/chores I have wanted to deal with for a few months but kept putting it off so I could prioritise my study, but hesitant as the breaks between semesters generally result in frustration of not achieving anything. I will overcome that with some clear goals and targets to work towards, I think I am going to do it via pen and paper now as well rather than on my phone or computer, which I either tend to lose or not track as closely as I should. I seem to be far more productive when I was writing down my to do list every day. I was surprised/reminded yesterday with how much people waste time. A few of my mates were wasting time just staring at random YouTube videos about non-productive topics. It is no wonder they can't achieve what they want to, and I am using it as a great reminder to refocus on my prioritisation. These 3 and 5 minutes here and there throughout the day can be all lumped together and to achieve another task at the end of the day or even get some more sleep. I keep this in mind when I want to have a gaming session - there are so many more things that need to be done that should not be a lower priority, whether it is something small like paying a bill or sweeping the floor, or something bigger like running or reports for work. Hope everyone is doing well! I haven't been on here very much lately so I will ramp this back up over the next few weeks.

So I have been going boots and all into my study this week. The more I did research the more I felt overwhelmed, which triggered my 'fight/flight/freeze' response. Lately, over the last month or so, I have preferred the flight reaction which means that I have not progressed my study or personal development, which is why I am in this predicament. I have traditionally been using the 'just sit with it' concept that I got from Cam, but it hasn't been working. Part of me wanted to get depressed that I might have regressed from the efforts of the last year, but another part said there was nothing to be depressed about. I am far more self confident and very rarely get anxious this year, so I have not gone backwards. I think it is more of a case of cycling through what works, trying something new, in case I plateau with one method or mindset. This was solidified with a surprise conversation/session with my work-provided leadership coach, which forced me to reflect on how I am feeling and how I want to move forward. It re-energised me which I have been using to push myself to study. I had kept several Preston Smiles videos on my phone to keep me going, so I started looking around and what other clips or quotes I could use. I discovered Motivation2Study, which I have now started watching/listening to regularly, every 2-3 hours or when I feel my motivation or productivity beginning to falter. I am finding it very effective to get me going in the morning (which was a challenge post-ultra trail) and to keep me going in the longer sessions. One thing that really hit home was "if you are willing to sacrifice sleep, you will find success". That has spurred me to set a deadline for myself, that today, no matter how long or what it takes, I will complete a draft of my assignment. I will not allow me to leave it to the last minute like I did when I was mindlessly gaming. I want to get it done early so I can get it critiqued. While it will cost me sleep in the short term, in the long term I will have more fulfilling and restful sleeps, as right now I am so stressed that I keep tossing and turning.

This weekend is great reminder on how effective changing your environment is, no matter how small. I have swapped the configuration of my desk and cleared all the clutter from it, so now it doesn't feel like such a chore to sit here and do work. I have also started to listen to some different music to help me study - I usually listen to chill out or classical instrumentals in between cognitive therapy tracks. This weekend though I have tried electronic music (something like this) and I think my productivity has doubled. Spent a large amount of time tinkering with electronics and spending time with family yesterday as well so I think I achieved a nice balance. Hoping to repeat it today. I'm at around 3,000 words out of 5,000 after this week, so some more work that needs to be done before next weekend. It's going to be a long week, but bring it on!