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Everything posted by destoroyah

  1. ENTRY #60: Weak men are sure to attract vultures.
  2. ENTRY #59: If you feel like a donkey, go break some sticks.
  3. ENTRY #58: Only motion can relieve the weight of emotion. Writing and talking are also motion.
  4. ENTRY #57: When playing catch-up: Don't compare yourself with anybody. Not even your past self. Unfounded inferiority and vanity are sure to hold you down elsewise.
  5. ENTRY #56: Wrongs done to you prove as good motivation for physical training. Never forget them.
  6. Try working out in the kids room. Get some weights - you know. I train completely at home, it's an investment of like 300 bucks if you're into lifting (I can do pretty much everything at home, there is absolutely no need for a fitness-studio). As a beginner you can get away with a 100 bucks for some short dumbbells and 10kg of weight for each of them (you should also get a book with illustrations to learn the form correctly). You will need a decent bench at some point – but you can wait out on that for over a year (!!!). Beginners should stick to low-weight anyways, to practice form with little risk and go easy on joints and tendons. You know... do 10 benchpress... *change the diapers*.... do some crunches.... *feed kid*... I can imagine it working out quite well as most of those activities only take 5 minutes. As for cardio (which is more important) you will need to leave your house - of course. That could prove difficult, but it should be OK to set a fixed time with the wife, where she takes over, right? That's what relationships are for, helping each other out... Sugar intake is ridiculously easy to cut. Just don't buy any chocolate shit. If you survive 3 days your hunger-attacks will sort themselves out. Mind the drinks though - softdrinks should be completely taboo (even diet coke and shit) and juices aren't good as a standard-drink either. I drink a lot of tea, coffee and water to keep in shape. Sometimes, in the evening for dinner, none of that shit is appropriate. So as a good German you should get some alcohol-free beer. It's embarrassing at first - but it actually tastes good, has little calories, is affordable and has no (or very little) sugar. I drink like 1 or 2 bottles a day (because tea, water and coffee just don't cut it at some point of the day). ...talking about training... I have to go train now! Shit! EDIT: Destoroyah's Trick #37 and #38: Oh yea... don't forget apples and bananas, man. Every good apeman should eat bananas.*eats banana, talks with full mouth* especially before training, because they are good for the muscles with magnesium and shit! Apples after training - because you need to replenish some minerals and vitamins that left the body with the sweat. If you don't sweat during training - then you are being too halfass about it.
  7. It's cool. It was a little overenthusiastic, but... shit happens. You can keep posting here. Just... be cool and shit.
  8. Uh. Whatever you got your mind wrapped around - it's probably the wrong thing. Just be cool and go elsewhere. And it's fine. I'm the pussy I'm the pussy – I surrender. I just want my peace.
  9. doesn't matter – go train hard and practice to kick some ass. Never assume you are competent anyways - that makes you stupid and lazy. doesn't matter – break a tear and learn living your life. gain strength from pain. take it. take it take it. wouldn't happen if you didn't bother breaking your head about it. But to answer your question – there is no "must". There is no reason. makes you insane in the longterm is a tedious practice and takes a lifetime to realize The question "what am I?" is not practical at all in my opinion. You are a kangaroo. Now what? Hop around and do bullshit? Feeling sorry for yourself don't help shit. Wondering if you "deserve" your fate don't help shit. The only thing that matters is not spending your time in limbo, wondering your ass about anything. The stars are infinite? You want aliens? Build a fucking rocket or get on making a wormhole – they aren't gonna come down by wondering your ass about it. The question "what am I?" only leads to "I am this, I am meant to do this. I can or can't do this.". I don't want to be meant to do anything. I don't want to be told what I can or can't do - unless I try and fail or succeed. I have my own cause. I choose, I select, I declare what I am. It is my choice. It's my choice? Great. I hate choosing. Do I have to choose? No. I don't choose then. I choose not to bother with this shit. Move on, get something done. Break the frame, draw a picture. Doesn't matter - unless you're into biology. You want a reason? You think after 2 Millenia of idiots sitting on their ass "wondering" there wouldn't have been one to discover a meant meaning to life? You are conceited in assuming you will discover that reason. Get busy and you won't be so depressed. No. I have never had a problem with animals. Or gravity. Or things breaking. Uncleanliness. I accept those things without judgement. I never feel sad. The only problems that exist, exist because there are other people and – emotional attachments for animals (if you're into that. I'm not.) – we have to share this world with (this may sound overtly negative against other people, but rest assured I have fun and I love some people in this world – probably more than myself). This is the use: You live, you die. Only those two facts are given. What you do inbetween there is totally up to you. Make an interpretation. In math you often have to assume that x is not a zero to continue to the end of your equation. Assume there is no god, no meaning - or whatever. Chose. Take his existence as a fact – fine. Done. Your choice doesn't matter really, just don't waste too much time choosing. Most people fail at gaining the determination to make a choice. Don't be a sucker, get it over with. Wrong choice? No problem. Fix it. Can't fix it? Bummer. So what? Shit happens. I will kick god's ass if he tells me I can go to hell for not believing in him. I can't do that? Fine. I will suffer eternity and plan my revenge. I will take over hell - no problem. I am not afraid of eternal pain. My love and hate will see me through anything, even eternity. I will always try to break the frame, I'm sure any god would love me for it, if not for the spirit – then for the challenge. I will always see the end of it. The end of any state. The end of my life. The end of eternity. The end of the universe. Then, I will tell you whats up, because I was awake all the time, and not wondering what the fuck – my hindsight is 20/20.
  10. Sport and strength is key. Good luck on your endeavors.
  11. Your definition of Flow sounds a lot like the "path" (or the "dao") – the described by Zhuangzhi. Ancient chinese concepts of early daoism. Maybe there is something in common... Still I think the word "flow" describes a smoothness. I have a problem with that, as life can be smooth or jagged. I need to be careful which word I use to describe it, because the word used dictates the methods applied to work with it. Here check this book out, it could be interesting for you: ISBN: 978-3-15-018256-7 By that I mean that I don't want to embrace prejudice. Fear of, for example, people from another country – which is taught to people. Racism and homophobia I deem as taught things - concepts - that produce feelings like fear and anxiety or hate – mostly unreasoned. I don't want to be dictated by the concepts of egoism and altruism, because it restrains myself and brings nothing of use. These things are taught and restrain my mind. They put me into a self-critical state, when I don't deserve it. I punish myself in doing this, for errors that I haven't made. It's a very complex thing, I'm not sure I can explain, my mind has a lot of overhead it seems and I really need to simplify it. Ultimately what I am, of course, is... a very philosophical question. If I silence my mind - I am what I perceive to be. But I have many answers. A product of my experiences maybe, or a coalition of cells seeking self-preservation, reproduction and dominance over my environment. This question I don't think leads anywhere and is a wrong turn to take, when trying to gain emotional peace (of course it can be of use, but it hurts my brain). I hate philosophy as it leads nowhere but a battle of vocabulary and intellect. I have no religion, and I avoid declaring myself a nihilist or atheist because I would have to abide the rules of those systems or get nailed on a cross not fulfilling them. I don't want that, it restrains me from feeling well about my current state, being who I am. I don't want to have a predefined identity. If voodoo benefits me - I would take it. If it restrains me, makes me afraid, takes away belief in my own capabilities - I would drop it. There is no ying yang, fuck ying and yang. It turns the world black and white, justifies bad things and takes away from the good. There is no good anyways, but whatever. Simple as that - why would I ever need to heed negative thoughts about myself? They don't benefit me. Surely you could now argue that self-criticism is always valid, but my organism is so intrinsically self-critical that it is completely misplaced in my mind. So ultimately what I try to be is "nothing". Free of emotional imbalance and all this shit people have put in my head over the years. I am deeply convinced we humans have too much shit in our heads and grow more insane with every day spent, because we are trying to make sense of all these experiences we have made. There is no sense. Don't try. Accept chaos, don't think – just be.
  12. @thehondasc00py I don't think flow and chaos are the same thing. Flow has a direction. It's a trend. Flow could be seen as some kind or path, a frequency, maybe it's what the Japanese called "Zen" - yea, but when I was using that vocabulary I always felt like a guppy at its mercy or some rebel intentionally going against the mainstream. That always made me feel uneasy. Either by being self-destructive or weak. Chaos in comparison is more gaseous. Molecules bounce in all direction, and there is pressure – that can implode and explode. You are constantly tested. I want to fundamentally destroy the concept of being at the mercy of anything in my mind. Circumstances and even my own, unreasoned, drive to intentionally be different than the rest of the world – like a salmon that is killing itself to reach a nesting and resting place. If the stream is something I like - I should use its power. If it goes against me, I should fight it. Black and white thinking. Flow implies causality chains that can't be stopped. In my view, there are no causality chains. We only invent causes and consequences to simplify the world – to generalize and turn it into something understandable. This in itself, I view, as a problem, because it includes prejudices and generalizations – simplifications that need to be constantly renewed and actualized to be accurate, which is a common practice of myself too, I need systems to work as does anyone. But to attain emotional equilibrium, peace of mind, I intend to accept chaos. Being in flow is a very similar thing – and I have been there time and again – but there is something about that state that severely bothered me. It was never me who chimed the tones to get there, but being randomly on the right frequency by a coincidence. Mostly drunk or high. Feeling like working magic that one cannot really grasp. The resulting coolness, sadly, does not last. I'm not sure acceptance of chaos lasts – it's just a new construction site that I opened recently. Facing that reality took a long time, and I needed to quit smoking and drinking to finally accept it. I believe the state of flow can work just as well as the acceptance of chaos – mostly by listening to rap music, thrash metal, partying, smoking marijuana, doing calligraphy in the form of graffiti and skateboarding – if perfected. These things are all very "Zen" as they all are about flow. This may sound ironic, it's not. I have seen true happiness work in that state, conjured thru these activities. It's a matter of personal preference, part of life and the scene you act in. I don't think the concept of flow is wrong, flow feels good – I just haven't experienced it in a long while and had to find different concepts for the inner workings of my mind in order to function in my environment. I need to be completely self-sustained to fulfill my role. There is no right direction for me. Everybody finds new concepts like this in life – and they work! Facing a change gives birth to a new concept. Usually people don't write as much on this as I do, so they might not be as articulate about it. They are just as intricate though, of this I am certain. Many thoughts work without words though... but if you find the right word – you can destroy anything. Thanks for your input! That was interesting to write about and presented me some personality changes that I have gone through in the past! I really need to go train now – shit! I'm growing fat! Peace.
  13. In loneliness do you tend to take the role of the victim, that is unable to handle life. Where in fact, life is beautiful, once you manage to openly perceive things. Don't focus on the fact that you are alone, the absence of others, not being understood. Focus in the beauty of things you find in this world, your own complexity, your desires – and yes, social interaction is one of those things, even a very important one, but so is your own heart. You stop being lonely, once you accept your own heart – because you don't need other people anymore to tell you who you are. You don't need other people to build and raze you, because you yourself can do that once you find the courage to pick up tools for yourself. The sun is massive, you are never alone in its warmth. Fire is good too.
  14. Thanks for writing @Hitaru. Now I won't see you as clueless anymore - and probably never will again, that really got my respect. As for any negative trait or thought someone might think to have: Dosis facit venenum. It's not a problem unless other people start pointing it out (and even then, you can firstly assume them as idiots, unless they are friends), or when getting totally paranoid about being a fucking asshole. Which sometimes happens, getting insecure about whether or not having gone too far with boldness. Then it's best to just use that boldness to help others or silence them. EDIT: Oh and yea, you actually do get my inner monologue - or whatever it is - going. Sorta. Well. It's always going, it just needs to be kept grounded. Held off from derailing. I deem that the job of other people though, I have stopped caring about the consequences of my actions and I really have been drawing a lot of good power from the, egoistic, left-hand path dark side recently. Of course, there is this intrinsic thought about that being a bad thing - but it's really not. There is absolutely nothing bad about it – I see no reason to restrain myself. In fact, in restraining myself do I become this wimpy sorry-ass piece of shit that can't do anything, that people tend to use as a stepping stone. I'd rather be a crocodile.
  15. Sort of. That is the initial step of self acceptance, you are formed by your experiences in life. These experiences were not chosen by you, thus it's not your fault for who you are. Now people will say: "But wait a minute! Does that mean that I have no responsibility over my own actions?? That's terrible!". This is where most people start putting up dogmatic rules. If you actually go all the way, and deny yourself the responsibility over your own actions, things can become quite interesting. The solution mustn't be that you automatically turn into an asshole. No. The solution I found was that I treat myself like an object that I own. And then it goes deeper. If you are only a vehicle for something, and you yourself are somewhere behind the steering wheel, who says that there isn't another you behind that? And this thought is a wrong turn again. Because like denying yourself responsibility you are again seeking to justify something, to explain something. You can't. You are assuming it all leads to wrong action. It doesn't. Accept chaos. It wasn't meant to be explained. Ultimately that path is very self empowering. Then people will assume "oh no, I will turn into an egoistic asshole! I can't go there!". Well, maybe you will. You can't know though, so why break off, before you even try? If you are intrinsically good, if you believe that, you probably won't turn into an asshole. Then again, does it even matter if you turn into an asshole? No, it doesn't. It makes no fucking difference. Because whether you twist and turn your mind about goodness or not - other people won't care about you either way, unless you spend a lot of time with them. So get busy spending time with them and stop thinking.
  16. Well that is only the thoughtfulness when I am stumped. Pretty sure you got that down too, huh?
  17. I don't understand. Are you reading my post up there all literal? If so: Of course it has a deeper meaning. I don't actually run around and destroy things, die and get reborn, pose as a statue for people to hang on to during the next storm, or keep my room untidy to live in "chaos"... With "chaos" I mean not being in control. Or being completely "in the know" about every single thing around me. Or all the things related to chaos, and yes - an untidy room would also be included in that chaos. Accepting my own flaws. Accepting not everything being "perfect". The state of things is always chaos in a way. We reduce it down to processes and systems that we can grasp - and I believe many of these are wrong. Not all of them! But you need to be mindful and make selections according to current circumstances - and you always have to "renew" the concepts to make them work in the here and now. To be able to still make use of the information that your senses transmit, to ensure that information still gets the right amount of attention, you need to let go of generalization and categorization. And yes - this is not the state you want to be in all day, but a state to reach calmness in heart. A "default" state if you will. This is what I partially mean by chaos - not sorting out my perception and applying my prejudices, but having a general openness of mind. But that is only a small part of the picture. Let me make an example, on your post, the following thoughts occured in my brain to your post (please don't feel offended, any negative thought that occurred about you is included): What does he mean?? How can he generalize all that into what he wrote? What is he even referring to?? Did he even read it???? Is what I wrote that complicated? Does what I wrote even make sense?? *reread my own post* Oh the usual bullshit. Should be OK by now, right? I'm a KNOWN freak. Hold on, something similar has occurred not many posts ago, maybe he doesn't understand, why would he even come back?? I will explain. This is tedious, what do I explain? His post appears absolutely clueless. Where do I start? If he is clueless, why does he even post in my thread? My explanation depends on his reasoning, I need to adapt it so he may understand. So what was he thinking? A:He wants to take part in conversation, because he likes the act of conversing as a past-time B:He might actually be interested in what I wrote and wants to understand and maybe learn C:He wants to embrace his narcissism by demonstrating that he was able to find another dichotomy that fits – posting it could lead to a like, applause for his intellect, recognition that he dearly desires D:He is trying to do his job as a moderator and feels that he must comment on every journal to do a good job E:He actually might like me and wants to be my friend or ally F:He thinks I'm an Idiot that talks out of his ass and wants to test if my shit is coherent, he might know more than me about this subject G:He's trolling and malicious, handling his own frustrations H:He might actually be a good person that wants to help me I:Something completely else J: All of the above I pick J, as it is most likely a mixture of all these things Best course of action? Neutrality, patience, attempted kindness – if I can maintain that. This situation has not yet diverged anywhere. The assumptions A-H are there, because I know people and myself (actually mostly myself! these are all thoughts I know from myself) from the past have reacted this way. Assumptions, if you will – not because I know you in particular, they would be there for any person basically if they posted that. In singularity they are order, but if they all occur at once: they are chaos. Usually in a persons mind the reasons presented under A-J (and yes, there are more, I was just giving examples) occur all simultaneously. May they be evil, good, or dumb or whatever. There is rarely just one "reason" when someone acts. Assumption I is there, because I must assume that I'm a dumb person. Assumption J is there, because I accept chaos. The truth. (I haven't really accepted chaos - chaos always bothers me. Chaos of NOT KNOWING 100%). It allows me to communicate further without being afraid of something. Without "just abiding rules and laws because fear of punishment". No. I can be kind and patient intrinsically, without telling myself to. Without force. Without god. Without the golden rule (and no: this doesn't always work like that, I am not master Yoda, nor do I like writing this post. In fact I can be very impulsive – and I embrace that too sometimes). It's all about changing my perspective on life. It's mostly metaphorically speaking. "Resilience vs Adaptability" is one possible interpretation of what I meant – and yes that plays a big part in my life – but you can transfer it to many things. It's a concept and I seek to apply it in a broader range. If you realize that the causality chain of life is longer than anyone can comprehend or control, you start applying universal concepts to keep a clear head (and yes, a universal concept is again wrong in a way, but mine is meant to put equal value into all things. Emphasis on MEANT TO.). Sheesh, that ate a lot of my time. I hope I haven't offended you. I didn't mean to. If I appear angry - I apologize, I am on a schedule. I am not a smart person, what I wrote is probably all wrong (and no, I don't write this to get a compliment for my intellect, but as a warning, any concept I convey might be wrong. Chaos. Remember! No system works really, they are full of compromises, I just invented this one.). I hope that explained myself (to some extent). But yes, DISCLAIMER I am a weird person, and not everything I write is always coherent. As is probably everybody. It is an ongoing process and gets changed on daily basis (anything else would restrict myself). Peace.
  18. Preserving yourself is top priority always. Without your own stability you cannot help others. Make sure you get that down. Get him to do his basic chores of cleaning (this is part of self-preservance, improve your own environment). Make a cleaning plan as follows: Each time you cleaned, move the marker (like a magnet on a whiteboard or something) to the next week and person. It is of vital importance that it is clearly declared what needs to be cleaned and which weekdays (I suggest 3 consecutive weekdays) are allowed for cleaning, to avoid misunderstandings. Also clean the floor, vacuum+mop (forgot to put that in). Extend the plan as you see fit - it is not complete! Cleaning should take 1-2hours total. Everytime your brother misses his cleaning period - tell him. But don't make any consequences for now, it will take some months - just move the marker. This is to psychologically teach him a rhythm. If he doesn't know how to clean - help him on his first few times and clean together (this is extremely important!!! HELP HIM CLEAN A COUPLE OF TIMES). Try not to get angry with him, just treat him like an obstacle if you are pissed, but try to be kind as not to make him stubborn. Give him the feeling that he is welcome to give him the power to adapt. If you fight with him - he will shut down communication and never change. You need to make him feel OK with you if you can (I know this is hard). Ask yourself how his behavior bothers you. You will need to find methods to get that out of your life. As I said - self-preservance is your top priority for now. If he games another year it doesn't matter, first you will need to get a grip and be a good idol. Create a stable environment for yourself and your brother, create routine. You cannot change him directly, mind. You can only indirectly incite a desire inside him to quit. This desire can be initiated by keeping your own shit together. If you are leading a happy life - he will wonder why his own life is shit (this can take a LONG time though). So keep in mind: Self-preservance is key. Make him do the most basic shit to get the apartment working, worry about nothing else for now. Create a stable environment. If you got that down, you can start handling different things. Priorites are: Self-preservance, environment, harmony - in that order. You can add more later, but these are difficult to handle already. Peace. EDIT: Oh and yea, get yourself some wireless headphones and listen to music at home - or podcasts. At all times when leaving your room. It is an excellent method of establishing a healthy atmosphere for yourself.
  19. If you really want to change something fundamentally - start inviting people instead of being invited. Take control. Start discovering new sides of yourself and find new strength. Don't feel awkward trying something new, focus on discovering the awkwardness in others to stabilize. Divert attention from yourself and consume the world by perceiving it with all senses.
  20. Thank you for the input, that was very interesting. I see myself as the destroyer, because it grants me the power to change - myself and the world around me. Also it allows me to draw strength from my negativity - suppressed aggression and hate that could cause problems if I were to let them roam free in my mind. By taking the role of the destroyer can I channel that into appropriate things and moments. Overcome myself and circumstances – or so is the idea. The cycle of destruction and creation is a frequent subject of my life. Death and rebirth, rise and depression. I am trying to give up heeding these concepts to be truly free. Currently I am keeping busy by investigating the dichotomy of order and chaos. Chaos especially interests me, because chaos is my life. I want to be able to breathe chaos and live in it like a fish in the water. If you can accept chaos - you are free from good and evil. Free from life and death. Free from rise and depression – as these things are there to simplify the world, to create order in chaos. To restrict your mind. Preservation also plays a big part in my life. I have begun noticing that stability is very important. May you be good or bad - it is preferable to be something people can count on. I have begun stepping past many of my own desires in favor of preservation and stability of my environment and people around me. Harmony and security. Maintaining order. It costs a lot of unnecessary energy, though, keeping things in the state it is. Stopping time and forcing rigidness upon my environment, controlling it. I desire not to waste my energy anymore on these things. I desire to be able to live in chaos - as to free up my energy for more dynamicity. Push the pendulum at the point of its highest velocity - if you want to move something. Stop it at the apex, if you want to force equilibrium. I am convinced this concept is transferable to chaos and order, destruction and creation - and all these things. It would help to conserve energy being able to see those critical moments in time. Have a big effect with little effort. As for concealing and revealing grace goes - I have not thought much about grace so far. I can imagine that grace is a side-effect of finesse. Concealing it would be preferable as to go by unnoticed when seeking destruction, and revealing it would be preferable when seeking creation. I am excited to think about this, how I can make use of grace and its profile as a tool.
  21. ENTRY #55: Living is a chore, but I can take it.
  22. Cynicism is a way to detach yourself from reality when you can't take it. It's like moving in the shadow-world. You are untouchable for others as a cynic. It's passive-aggressive and extremely defensive. To me it exerts the impression that someone has given up - is done with it. I try my best to avoid being cynical and I don't like spending time with cynical people. They are difficult to work with and never satisfied. They often have a poisonous effect on their environment. The options imposed are restricting. Don't restrict yourself. Be opportunistic and fuck the system, unless you like the system - then perfect it and draw power from its lanes. Be free to change your mind every day of life, that is how life is meant to be lived. Sticking to one option denies growth, you can only see as many options as your horizon has broadness. Your horizon changes every day, if you manage to look up. Peace.
  23. Don't treat objects like women, man.