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Hey everyone, my name is Steve and a few years ago I was a part of the Game Quitters community. At that time I was trying to quit playing video games, but with minimal success. It's been a few years now and over that time I've allowed gaming to get the better of me and I'm looking to take back control. Over the last few months, my time playing video games has increased mostly because of being unemployed at the moment. With so much free time, apart from spending time with my wife, my family and doing other important daily activities, I would spend at least 5 or 6 hours gaming, usually 2 to 3 hours during the day and another 2 to 3 hours at night. At times this also could vary and may even be more than 6 hours, depending on the day and what type of mood I was in. Over the last few days I've been thinking about what avenue I'm going to take and have wondered if I may be able to keep gaming in the proper place and only play in moderation. I will give it some time and then reevaluate the situation to determine if it's possible for me to play in moderation. If I realize that it's not possible for me to game in moderation, I may need to consider quitting video games completely.

Entry 14.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 180: No Useless Videos Day 1012: Sticking to Food schedule Day 615: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 163: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - Afternoon workout - 3 pomodoros - Viewing 2-3 videos of "aprobado a la primera" 1 Thing I could do better - Plan somehow not to eat so much food right before the lesson Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 181

Entry 13.7 written on 14.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 179: No Useless Videos Day 1011: Sticking to Food schedule Day 614: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 162: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - Long jog - 4 pomodoros - Done sending the tax report documents 1 Thing I could do better - Same as yesterday Print my foodplanning of the p[lanning in the morning as template aswell as food names Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 180

late Monday morning, day 6: Almost a week since the latest revelation - when I blurted out over the phone, 'I was just playing my computer game', without caring who had asked what or how I was doing. Still, what would I say now? 'Catching up on people's ideas of popular history?' (through a novel). The thing I spent the most time doing on my past game was clicking on creatures for 'combat' - where half of any two-digit number might appear on the screen in red or blue. Some part of me has likened that to face to face conversation in person, where someone mightn't know what effect the next statement or question might have on the other(s), and vice versa. That wasn't one of the problems I had whilst gaming; it was my passing by of people in public, unable to hold a smile or show of courtesy for long enough, or going to places (even the gym) while half or more of my head was still at home, locked in. As long as I couldn't tell myself that I was more/completely 'for' the offline world, and not the virtual, I was anxious. So that's what that has been. As it happens, the day looks perfect today, but I was a little disappointed because on Sunday, while peaceful, I didn't really talk to anyone, except for getting a short text reply that had me thinking that a scheduled call was forgotten. I went to bed early and slept a ton, in two blocks again. The 'hangover' remained. If I don't get worked up enough for gym, I'll walk around properly soon. I've read from page 100 to 500 out of 900 in the last week of the new book that I at first found shallow. There were enough new phrases and scenes that kept me turning them over. Maybe this week I'll have finished it and picked up something to continue on from it with. __________ Edit: There were a few mild disturbances today, though. In the morning (though I can't expect everyone to be as considerate and reserved as me in person), I was twice near-laughingly called to my open window by a tradesman to ask if I minded the water being shut off for a moment/could I refrain from using the taps. I was reading and cooking at both 8:30 and 10am, which I imagined looked lazy and indulgent. I got out for my walk, during which most of the time I spent dismissing lapses in judgement/inconsiderateness, but still felt alright. Only once home, I indulged again in a second cocoa, and soon after heard what sounded like some of the regular stamping around on the floor above me - combined with the yapping and/or yelping of a small dog. Unfortunately, I was contemplating abusive behaviour for whatever reason, and was almost ready to investigate it, until the noises stopped. By then, I was up for more decaf tea, and couldn't see any way of out the slump except to read about my historic game's new 'skill', which I'm as unlikely to try as half of the new 'bosses' the producers have put out in the last few years. On the game's download page, there is some kind of staged scene of PvP fights, which I once again told thin air to 'F.O.' with, and engaged with step 1 of the process. - But wait - Why should I download something that's going to make my life 3 or 4x harder, and take up many more mornings, afternoons and evenings? That was enough to abandon the first file and the remaining process, and make another small meal. I was grasping for any minor rewarding feeling after 1.5 days of next-to-nothing. I think I'm avoiding getting my whole person dragged into anything serious, without the promise of calming down every day at about 6pm. It's a disability thing/precaution. Do I want to feel 'just OK', without further recognisable achievement, for 30, 40 or even 50 more years? That was what was on my mind the most. It doesn't seem unreasonable, but passing that time as such is as daunting as any other period/process of attainment. ____________ Good luck, all ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Weather, unavoidably ~ Allowing for only a semi-cold shower ~ Even as my subscriptions to the game should run out this week, I realise my free-to-play plans would most likely get me in just as much trouble too *shrug*

Sunday morning, day 5: Is it really right to expect problems if I made an easy, natural or even neutral choice of reading material (Harry Potter) at the very end of the evening, that kept me calmer still? I had long, largely untroubled sleep and dreaming, got started moving about the room, but as I made breakfast, out of nowhere I simply remembered - like someone I knew - a confronting past situation (or several) that I didn't feel like squaring up for at the time, and let myself think of angry actions and vocalisations. Such is a disorder, remembering such things perhaps, but I could possibly link the timing of situations like that to significant achievements in gaming. Should we as problem-solving people always start at the root, at prevention of such things? As a teenager initially, I didn't trust the world enough to risk spending exploratory nights out or truanting from school - so I did homework and sat at my computer during many free hours. Blame seems to complement enduring anger, which is why I shouldn't choose it often. Did I not make good friends? Did people and I have too many stubborn differences? As a last comparison, while signing into that game whenever I had spare energy (not only time), some part of me at least felt that I was 'doing all I could' to progress - though it mostly led to empty feelings eventually. Such an attitude with none of that gameplay at all leaves almost too much time for me to spend chasing the same 'amount' of progress, offline. I avoid real trouble socially because my control over a situation seems to be perceived as contemptuous - as if people think that I'd rather lose control all of the time. 'Everyone' (this is a large majority) that I interact with, I have faith in their ability to grow and/or progress. Did people in my life give up on me too early? All I'd have to do in that case would be adjust my expectations and remember that in this abstinence journey, I am giving others time as much as I am giving myself, outside of cordial conversation. Maybe a difference is that I don't expect easy fixes from here, myself. Edit (Afternoon): In 'Life at the Bottom', the author uses his experiences as a way to indirectly imply that a softer, finer or perhaps more wholesomely-dedicated way of living is almost always preferable to the opposite. I may have finished deciding to type that because it's over a cup of tea - seriously though, only because the tea is warm, un-caffeinated, and it's technically Winter. I didn't have to resort to a seriously-consuming addiction to enjoy it, either. Anyway, would any of you say that having a majority of people with the favourite passion of say, staring up admiringly at the sky, and a minority of (dedicated) aggressive, warrior-types, would not be preferable to the reverse? Sure, maybe that's the case (or preference) that we have already, but I'm only convincing myself a little more here out of a need to put constant, aggressive reactions further behind me. That, and the internet is not always a psychologically calm place - even I have shown as much. I wish that the compulsion to stick to games was never as strong and aggressive, even when it's perhaps supposed to be mind over matter when playing at them. As a long term newbie-intermediate, I was still overly attached to it and its outcomes. Only, bearing witness as I did to several aggressive kids' behaviours in school, those which outstripped most of my own, seems to have been necessary to initially kick me into gear to later exercise my body as well - that said, I only lifted consistently-aggressively for 2-3 of my first years in the gym, from 2010 on. I had to get over that, just as I got over a couple of exes' attractions to that side of me. All factors of health are important, even when I personally started with some of the most basic. I should keep some idea of that in mind for balance, rather than an equally-advanced RPG character-level profile on a screen, and consequently keeping a guard so high that a seven-foot humanoid would still have to reach for it. The only downside to maintaining such a balance seems to be sleeping long hours again, for now. Gratitude: ~ Good weather ~ Some socialising at the gym, leading to a peaceful moment ~ Checked the chapter structure of the new book to see that it does speed up - I'd almost rather it was 150% longer, and didn't, but so it goes ~ Realising that cleaning before breakfast is slightly torturous - especially when it's made already Enjoy the weekend, all ~ Matt

Entry 12.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 178: No Useless Videos Day 1010: Sticking to Food schedule Day 613: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 161: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - Afternoon workout - 3 pomodoros - Calling two apartment owners 1 Thing I could do better - Print my foodplanning of the p[lanning in the morning as template aswell as food names Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 179

Saturday morning, day 4: I slept in two blocks, with literally two hours after midnight just spent reading and puzzling without suffering much tiredness at all, before going back down. One of my first thoughts today was of how perhaps experienced people give advice on real-world goals, with phrases like 'going after it'. What I thought is involved in that specifically is: A) General research, B) Telling key people of your interest, and C) Meshing together with those and other people, and learning their goals so that you find helpful information for them, when bored. Then perhaps comes D) Identifying one's self with a role, and taking smart social risks. I don't know, if I weren't so desperate to chill out still at almost every opportunity, I'd be ingratiated with the staff at my gym, say, - but I probably don't maintain seriousness enough for a lot of people. I thought of goals because after 6 months this year of gaming thoughts and plans, those online were so clear-cut compared to those I have in the real world, which is a scary realisation. I'm good at seeing, and distractions are difficult. Well, gym and other things today are very likely. Maybe I'll get a new perspective along with it. _____ Edit: The first 2/4-3/4 of the day are usually alright, in this abstinence gig; wake up, exercise, buy from supermarket if need be, and reading when idle. Most of the time, raw entertainment like too-action-packed movies/TV/games find no place in scheduling, even in my head. I've had two very human moments today and yesterday, just staring at interesting buildings when nothing else was drawing my attention. It's very nearly the most I get, other than the constant-action I tried to squeeze out of my days since long ago. PvP gaming, food service, exercise and fast music; it was not only fun, but made commitments feel easy and natural by comparison. When did I think it was ever too much? When it was 'just one more PvP fight, one more date, or five more minutes for the next bus'. Simple - easy. Suddenly people got sick of my way, and I couldn't see why, so I demanded honesty and clarity, and didn't get it. In fact, it seemed like punishment. I did my diligence to start reflecting regularly, but not enough improved. Thus, an eventual need for medication. I was actually ready to make a speech/slideshow to friends and family at a gathering once, ten years ago, to explain what gaming meant to me, but also what I was getting out of life, appropriately enough, but the scene was too disorganised, which I take some credit for. So I kept playing a little more, until there was my first episode. I could arrogantly say that 'nobody could keep up with me anymore', but maybe just no one was willing to. It sucked. Medication helped, if half because people took the situation more seriously after it was prescribed. I went back to gaming more steadily, but put in a ton more hours than ever, being a 'free' adult. I took stronger medication, and watched movies for 2 years instead. That was good for some movie scenery and dialogue (and the old sense of action) which I was missing, that people still weren't quite ready to give me. I made a new friend or two, and moved out of home alongside a sibling and friend. After a year of beating the system there, and a night at a friend's engagement, I picked up 2 hours of extremely simple and repetitive gameplay per night, for 2 straight years. From almost day 1, my new favourite 'gaming album' was desperately emotional music. I didn't really want to play; I didn't really know what I wanted. I got spiritually tired, as covid was finishing up, and it was lucky that I got the chance to move closer to town and had to forcibly change medication once more. I pretty much got my head back onto my shoulders. So much has happened though, and one of the few things I still care about is good, fair, social cohesion. Otherwise, I could be doing anything - though some activities I'd have to use significant force of personality/spirit to get through, and that might raise eyebrows again. It may be that I'll have to store up another several months of the aforementioned moments, even more consciously, before I can just muck in to work/close ties again. I know that constant electronic action doesn't do much good at all. Is this going to be a regular ranting tone? Probably not, unless too many things happen too soon. I all but promised to turn up at my local gym again tomorrow, but there was also almost no pressure applied from the promisee. We'll see about any progress on this new Sunday. Good luck all. _____ Gratitude: ~ 'Broken' sleep not making itself an issue ~ Guessing when to swap books/news for different reading intensity ~ Dish/washing machines ~ Getting positive guilt for not reaching out to/thinking of some people when they're online, then acting in some way Peace, ~ Matt

Entry 11.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 177: No Useless Videos Day 1009: Sticking to Food schedule Day 612: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 160: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - Afternoon workout - 3 pomodoros - Having called various accountants and finished filling most of the gain and loss statement 1 Thing I could do better - When I see I´m doing a lesson until late, do parts of the evening routine beforehand, to avoid missing important hours of sleep Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 178

Friday morning, day 3: Wow, intensely dreamt game compulsion - not even of a realistic past or planned scenario, just something I could 'easily' and quickly 'put right'. I used to wake up with that feeling from work, but less intense because this time, only I was interested in the outcome, and it was (previously) 'fun'. But you know, crawling out of bed and forgetting to do a whole half of the morning routine, just to get an in-game fix is hell to receive perspective on. I read some of that new book too for a couple of hours, and didn't find it as 'shallow' as before - I definitely gave more consideration to things generally yesterday, and that's probably because I don't ignore 1000 things a day without all that solo gameplay. Otherwise, good standard workout yesterday. I'll see what's really 'up' on Saturday morning there, hopefully. Edit: I'll tell you, that's a rough-darn book I've found. Harry Potter has its moments too, but you know what it reads him saying at the end? 'I've had enough trouble for a lifetime' - casually. This one is easier, unfortunately, to imagine an average person saying/thinking/doing. But maybe this is because it's one of the only books at home that I haven't read cover to cover. Maybe giving up that game was too easy to do, this time. To gym properly on back to back days, or not to gym? I'll clean some more, etc. anyway. Peace. Gratitude: ~ Forgot, free cocoa and gifted socks ~ Still 'sniffing the air' for caution, but placing more equal value on things ~ Being healthily reminded of details ~ Social meet today Cheers all, ~ Matt

Entry 10.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 176: No Useless Videos Day 1008: Sticking to Food schedule Day 611: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 159: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - 75% effort run - About 38 hrs fast - 4 pomodoors 1 Thing I could do better - Call accountants or tax authority. All i have left is 2 questions and I might be done with the tax report. Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 177

Entry 9.7 (For some technical reason didn't post on 9.7, so reposting now on 10.7) Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 175: No Useless Videos Day 1007: Sticking to Food schedule Day 610: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 158: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - Afternoon workout - Finishing the driving lesson review message - 2 pomodoros at least 1 Thing I could do better - Plan simpler tasks for fast day, 4 pomodoros if that's my current norm, and other things like apt. search or german course (consumption). That is to say not to increase effort on this day I guess, but if I do these simpler tasks maybe I'll find myself retiring less to bed to escape the feelings of "fast day" Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 176

I'd find it difficult to call the main online game I've played massively multiplayer at all, now - the largest in-game groups of players I found recently were situated around passive/'away from keyboard' content, which said to me that few people were interested in getting old enjoyments out of it - one of my concerns. It's hard to explain how idiotic and far-flung some of the advanced achievements were though - you'd have to be SO locked in and hooked to successfully go for them. This year I created two new profiles to squeeze the lemon. My next big hit would have to be relearning how to span my natural motivation over full days again, working up to weeks. -> But I really did mean that I basically lost my sense of self sometimes, chasing its levelling system in my own tedious way. Man, I only typed this because the only thing in that game remaining was the 'RP/role-playing' aspect in 'MMORPG'. Hope good things are coming your way.

Thursday morning, day 2: I removed the game launcher and files (again), making the shameful/desperate act of visiting the website, clicking for the download (tailored to computer type, somehow) and re-installing once more a barrier. But what made me want to type was remembering the period of time when I'd spent 2-4 weeks being productive in a solo manner towards my degree, and then losing heart - only maintaining lifting, work and gaming. Back then, I had trouble telling when enough was enough, and a couple of workouts in the gym found me thinking that I was being glared at for trying too hard. One of those times, I screwed up my face mid-set at someone in their middle-age passing me with a look on his own face, so as if I was guardedly saying, 'Yeah, this is maximum effort; what of it?' I guess I mean to ask whether naturally, we all gradually find out what life simply won't let us get away with, even if it's towards growth. I told someone I'd be back at the gym today, and was undecided whether I'd try a similar workout to the one I was doing above, all those years ago (a favourite), or my standard targeted one, which I've also been missing. I was worried because I was on the verge of not caring, as long as I went, which proved unsuccessful on Tuesday. But 48 hours ago, I hadn't reached peace with the idea of not game-playing, or finished entertaining myself at the same time to distract from the problem of it. I aim to kind of read/meditate more before heading out, and I have another to-do list. For now, I am grateful for restful sleep, unhindered reading, and enough milk to spare until later. See y'all soon, ~ Matt

Entry 8.7 (Written on 9.7) Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 174: No Useless Videos Day 1006: Sticking to Food schedule Day 609: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 157: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - 4 hr bike ride in the direction of mount "Ojo de orgeg" - Writing the majority of the review of the double driving lesson - 2h and 15m or so of German learning 1 Thing I could do better - I guess the tax authority is a bit baffled by what I wrote and do not reply regarding whether tosend them the fixed report or the original. I guess I just need to send the fixed one and see what happens, since meanwhile the clock is ticking... Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 175

Entry 7.7 (Written on 9.7) Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) -Fixed bike breaks and got a tube with anti puncture liquid -Done summaries for all the driving lessons -Began a free trial of the StoryLearning course and finished the Goethe Trial Day 173: No Useless Videos Day 1005: Sticking to Food schedule Day 608: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 156: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - 75% effort long run 2h 50m despite high sleepiness - 4 pomodoros - Having planned to wake up at 4 30 when I saw I do not manage to sleep at 20 00, rather at 20 53 (Last bite of food was at 16 53 so I allowed myself to be in bed at 20 38, so that I may fall asleep at 20 53 - calculating that it takes 15 minute to fall asleep 1 Thing I could do better - Leave a wider buffer for dinner to finish eating 4 hours before bed time Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 173

This is a bit of a risk, but I was reading and my brain hovered over something about sales tactics and general persuasion. If I've suggested sincerely, as my only piece of advice, that if a list of advantages is longer, outweighs or are substantially better than the list of disadvantages, a person should, or even must proceed - I still have doubts whether I could ever have meant it. Because there are needs I tend to have when it comes to convincing, like perhaps a well-and-fairly-fought battle being lost, in person, over a factsheet, in ordered company. I don't know, something like that. If it seems unfair, or to a lesser extent, inconsistent, I'm unlikely to properly participate. I would have some regret if I knew for certain that AllanJC/OP (here) read one or more of my posts this year and thought, 'F this, red flags and small bits of advice don't work on this Matt/Wheatbiscuit character', but I don't know. It just seemed plausible. I also however desire caution against the 'there are plenty of fish in the sea' line, when it comes to various communities. It would surprise me if Allan was gaming right now, to be honest. Rather, there probably are a few other places where decent education and skills would do better. Have you ever seen The Simpsons' AA meeting, where a character keeps a liquor bottle inside his shaped bible interior? If I could clearly see myself in that way; 'Yikes', indeed. No, I tried a small cost-benefit list everyday before signing in, but just didn't write it down. The difference is using those lists for serious personal gain, and what is being weighed against. I don't have all of those answers, but no one individual does, I think. That's why I've posted here at the same time as playing that game. Godspeed, all.

Wednesday morning, day 1: I spent the rest of yesterday reading. Now, I've had a solid sleep. But I think there's a problem, without the promise of any kind of genuine play (offline or online) - things like jogging and lifting, where I've tried almost everything, don't really count. They're productive. I simply forgot everything that was on my mind (except the lingering feeling of relief/guilt I last mentioned re: gaming), and seem to be left with only (the choice of) anger at things that, with my current routine and strategies, probably won't be solved. -> Things like sleeping for more than ten hours (probably medication soothing into that), relationships that won't progress because of a lack of willpower/social energy reserves. Edit: I apologize; I pleaded for more posts, you delivered, and I stayed grouchy too long - maybe it was delaying bed-making. Another thing about my game was that no one was forced to do anything (only strongly compelled/psychologically lured). I lasted 2-3 years on it before I fell in love with an image of my character with an achievement, and thought about (then went ahead with 😞 one, and then more months spent doing the exact same thing in almost all of my spare time). Before yesterday, that was going to be 2 weeks obsessively and then 1 or 2 more months semi-obsessively. And the compulsion is barely there; it's just habit. The worst/best part was choosing content that made me think little to nothing about those parts of the game, making the whole ordeal mindlessly addictive, while still letting me progress with homework and sport. There hasn't been a lot to look forward to after I finished my 2023 90 day detox, unlike 2022 when I was 'studying' my hobbies, and could reminisce with the other students, then have enough on my mind to go and blow off steam on the game. The homework made me worry then, and if I felt I could have done all of it immediately, and have no study for the remaining 3/4 of the semester, I would have, but for social/relationship/life problems that I wanted to self-soothe about. We just can't have it all, can we? Is it fate for everyone to do/say a bunch of things carelessly, and then have to apologise when someone having a not-as-good-day pulls us up on them? Maybe when we're all forced together. Over. Edit 2: I haven't gone and huffily deleted the game launcher on my computer yet, and all I had to do was stare at it for 10 seconds, picture the recent activities and again feel the previous days slide by to turn away, and own up to that here. I've been walking, after getting texts (some of them one-sided) from my Dad, about 'dropping some things off' to me, as if I knew I would benefit from that, and went the whole walk without checking my phone - which was good, because all I missed was a fake compromise and self-thumbs-upping. Well, I expect a visit anyway, because I said 'sure, this afternoon', unless I say/make it a no-go. Hopefully my non-care at the vagueness and convenience of it for him isn't a problem. Something @WilderDaze said earlier about online and offline personality, I let bother me while in the bathroom. Before I go there, it's interesting, the mere fact that I could be bothered by such a euphoric and growth-detailed post. It's like from the moment I realised there were rules in life, often repeated by family, I kept feelers out for 'hackneyed' narratives, and allowed myself to turn away or cringe, instead of try to work toward genuine agreement. I get the same deal, if I'm honest, when communicating, we say 'yeah' instead of 'yes' - one implying 'time to relax, in agreement', and the other, 'yes, I agree, but this is largely not a finished product/deal, yet'. ^-> Back to point, for sure, I stopped/toned down this disagreeable personality in order to fit in online. At the same time, constant conflict/dissatisfaction is incredibly tiring - but it's what makes me excited to 'tackle' a new day. I fancy I've seen, and even lived two extremes of timidity and the fully oppositional, so that I might be able to resume grinding away at real life, and settle for stability. It's just that, what with jumping-up-and-down outright accusations of personality-failure ('toxic/narcissistic/avoidant') at so many turns, I am derailed into rumination when there's actually nothing specifically relevant to my life. That's what I've been making (or trying to make) progress with upstairs as I do regular things. But allow myself to be 'that guy' who advocates straight-forward solutions again, and offline instead of online? Double-tough. I've seen what it has done to a few family members, and it's hard to see it as worthwhile. But if our communities and news outlets even slightly benefit.. well, maybe. Day 1 Gratitude: ~ The peace of mind that comes (and somewhat lasts) from not getting up early to fit in gameplay ~ Seeming recognising facial expressions that say 'this doesn't matter to me' and relishing my still-available choice to treat a scene differently ~ Reading and re-reading for more details ~ Water Peace, ~ Matt

1 Jul - 8 Jul: I've had the first week of summer and I have about 50% less lessons. I took that time to read the book "Getting to Yes" more often, did some swimming, cycling, hiking and working out at the gym. I also had a good meeting with my friend on Friday. I also watched Punished with my girlfriend. Work-wise, I've been working on the texts for my website, putting in an hour or two every day. I've been a bit lazy yesterday and today, which doesn't feel great, but overall I am still getting important things done. I'll have the whole weekend for myself without my girlfriend, so I'll take the time to do something outside, hopefully it won't rain.

I get that. I think of it in the way that we truly got to be the best version of ourselves while gaming to compensate for the bad real-life version of ourselves. Contrary to pop wisdom, just because a person spends all of their time online at home doesn't mean that they are introverted. I streamed online and had many interactions with people, so I had little incentive to have interactions offline too. I assume that's the problem with really becoming addicted to games, work etc. People want to save their "best" version for the thing they find most important and leave the "bad" version for everything else. It normally doesn't work on the human level, because it's unnatural to narrow down the focus so much. We're not machines to do just one thing 100% right. I guess love got me away from gaming too if I think about it in this way. Gaming couldn't emulate the experience and I was just too curious and determined to get the love back. It still took some time and experimentation to get it right, but I believe I've arrived 😄

It's kinda crazy how caught up we can truly become in this imaginary world. I recently saw the tv show Severence, which immediately made my top 10 list. It explores the concept that humans can detach the healthy part of their persona and make it live a separate life in an isolated place, while the one carrying all the trauma continues life as usual, unaware of what is happening to the other. The idea is that, as long as we know that some part of us is living a happy life, we will accept that the other one is carrying the weight on their shoulders. But the problem then is that you cannot really separate a person into two different enteties, as they will most likely always find a way back to be together in order to be complete and to heal properly. Of course this made me think a lot about gaming, and MMO's specifically. I was not really aware of it at the time, but my life kind of worked like Severance. I woke up each day in this gray reality where I had barely gotten any sleep, where I dragged myself to a job I hated, and where I always felt exhausted and unfulfilled. But whenever the day was over I almost ran back home in order to log in to that imaginary world where my other persona existed. There I felt I had some sort of purpose; I was socially capable, I had goals, I loved exploring and I forgot about the hardships of life for a couple of hours. But just like in Severance I eventually discovered that real life had to be dealt with and I could not grow the other person while excluding the other - they both had to be maintained. But as I grew the person outside of the game I became more aware that this was the one giving me the most satisfaction and feelings of fulfillment in the end. Especially when I discovered love and I could see that the outgoing and loving person I was in the game also existed outside of it. In many ways I think love saved me from MMO's, because the connection I felt with my girlfriend at the time was WAY more potent than anything I felt when I gamed. It's perhaps the only thing in life that can truly make my mind completely forget about video games. 💛

I struggled with two major MMO's back in the day so I know how it feels to get lost in some of the more prolonged gaming experiences. I think any game however becomes uninteresting to me when there is nothing more to achieve. Sure, you can always create a new character, or go for the really hard achievements, but that to me just feels like squeezing the lemon for two or three more drops. My brain just doesn't seem to bother with anything that has become too predictable or unrewarding. I want to move on to the next "big hit", because I know it's always around the corner somewhere. The biggest challenge though with was the deletion of the persona that I created in that fantasy world. I had plenty of gaming friends who knew me as this warm and outgoing person online, which was the complete opposite of my real life persona. But ironically enough it was my friends who made me quit those games eventually, as I could see how much they sacrificed to be in that imaginary world. One of my online friends really got stuck in one of those games and continued to play many years after I quit, which made me feel really sad whenever I thought of him. I was out there getting an education, hanging out with real friends, and he was stuck inside grinding away yet another day. I met him at one time in real life, and he was such a fragile and awkward person. Some of it came across online, but I could never tell how serious it was until I finally met him. Whenever I think of the extent of the issues that games can cause I always tend to think of him.

Tuesday morning: A lot of people have said that multi-tasking doesn't work or exist. It seemed possible as a young person because the only requirement to get by/through school etc. was reacting (in most cases) or responding (the rest) in a semi-complicit way, as we did what we felt we needed to do to stay happy. My last response on the forum was the first thing I did today, so it was easy to focus on. Then, I worried too much about how an early-morning workout would go, and did a walking circuit instead - putting it off until lunch, when it's less crowded and I might be more awake. To fill the time between then and the end of my walk, I have a series of calls to make, and the option to semi-enjoy some time on the game. Last night, I was reading Quora, and found a lovely answer, and then the person's profile. I formed a mental picture of their motivations, and one was something like I imagine our Yan's to include; trying hard, seizing opportunities, and admiring the same in others. The only con I thought of was chasing too many trends, perhaps in order to meet people and stay popular/relevant. Other criteria were also met. Anyway, it seemed like when those few things are partaken in, with responsibility, a person is well on their way through to adulthood. I've done a lot of things in life out of order - properly, but rearranged. I've been saying to myself sometimes that I simply understood situations faster than others and thus was free to make my own choices. But, if it came to responsibly leading a group through a task, could I stand up and follow standard procedure, while motivating each person to the best of my ability, when put on the spot? A lot of situations seem to call for that (whether or not on me), but usually most involved are able to dust themselves off and plod further along. That's nature, but is it responsible? My 'solo' game profile was like an attempt at playing my problem game 'responsibly' if that, like multi-tasking, is even possible. Because re-reading novels and information is good for me, but doesn't make me feel like I can manage real problems any better, when initiative has to be taken/is called for. I still relied upon patience and timing during my detox, to act, and a lot of chance is involved there too. I just don't want to burn out for no reason trying to be responsible. Is that a chance that always has to be taken, with trust in everyone else to do the same? I imagined the Quora person scheduling and organising things like those I wrote down for myself to carry out today, without a moment's hesitation, yet understanding any delays. Then, I would have to calm myself and clean and tidy up, or failing that, bother more people and risk mania, or something. That's a concern too. There's all of that, and then there's balance, which actually sometimes feels meaningless - always unfailingly checking one's gut before any momentum can be built. Well, I'll let you know after. Peace guys, Edit: I am proud of myself for getting to the gym and back with no problems, even though I didn't lift much (but decent stretches), and I fixed 2 out of 4 phone calls - but the other 2, I'm hoping for some more processes first. It was just good to do what I said/planned I'd do, and not actively surrendering as I go online to play, view or type. I'll try to do more of that. Edit 2: I think a miraculous mix of internal and external events have occurred - I actually don't want to engage with that game anymore. I've done it all; I'm all set to click on nothing. One of my health supports called me right after finished giving a last miniature game event (that I thought 'too annyoing') a try. I immediately told her (how I was going) that it was 'nothing heavy' (the truth, close enough) and received the reply that enjoying playing it was OK as long as it wasn't too much time. My time spent would be up in the top quadrant for sure, and the relief that came with the guilt just now was enormous. Like, we covered everything and listened to each other, all in ten minutes! Don't stop posting, guys. 🫡 ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Braved the deliberate choice to safely walk at peak travel time, with earphone music, and only one or two 'near-misses' ~ A return to drinking a cup of tea first, instead of cocoa ~ An exploratory-only trip to the library, reminding me instead to be happy with the books I've already got to read ~ General clarity

One game, since right before I was a teenager. It was at first a fantastic pastime and a way of discovering over and over again what I could and couldn't control (reliably). Possibly any curious-enough person could guess the name of it (it would be like saying 'Voldemort' out loud when out amongst people who've feared a same or similar thing for years, at pain/risk of death - just a little), but I would not recommend at all that anyone start playing it now as a newbie. At times, I've been completely lost in it. On ADHD, to frequent re-assessment (but not quite regret), I recently ignored an acquaintance who owned up to having a cocktail of conditions, including ADHD. It was a disturbingly consistent lack of preambles and affect (reactivity - even in kind words) that blocked out a lot of the light that would have helped people to see him better, I think. But to his credit, I couldn't conclude that he hadn't spent most of his life trying to be better, fit in and take care of himself and others - to do what he could. For me, it was unhealthy to keep using my brand of encouragement to make him try in an obvious way (it could have got him a girlfriend, you see, which he clearly wanted/needed). ^-> I guess what I'm getting at is that ADHD might be one thing that is more worth trusting a medical team to help remedy with you, with talk or medication, rather than symptoms of the internet that a lot more people might share. As for having a way with words, well, I've mainly wanted to provide novelty with my points of view so that people get more out of their periods of reflection as they read/listen. It was done for me, in fiction novels (and by nature), so why not give back where it's most comfortable? Again, one thing I've heard from tolerant people is that people with ADHD 'have no filter' - like enforced honesty, forthrightness, and perhaps obsession. I don't know, my symptoms there are usually under control over time. The posts you make tend to have numerous insights as well, and sometimes eerily so! 🙂 While it pays a ton to know yourself, knowing the effects/appearance of your behaviour/choices when not locked into a game, or even work, could be underrated for many. Until next post, ~ Matt

Watching a couple of these videos has got me wondering if I have ADHD. It's been circling in my mind for quite some time, but it feels like I can see myself more clearly than ever before. Probably because I've taken a step back from so many less productive activites lately and dared to confront myself with more than just the video game issue. I'm gonna see if I can get an appointment soon and get some professional input. I'm open to anything at this point, as I feel more lost than ever in whoever I'm trying to become. I just can't seem to understand how to set my boundries properly, beyond the obvious stuff. On a sidenote, I really like to read your well put answers. You have a way with words that speak a lot about your deep insights and your literacy skills. I'm curious btw, are you struggling with one specific game or several?

Time for a mid-year check. I've been struggling with some relationships and gave it till mid-year to tide over. The changes I hoped for did not actualize, requiring contingency plans. Struggling with motivation has been a constant in my life, alongside staying committed. Even if my relationships don't improve by reaching my goals, I might develop more independence. I used to believe dopamine was an obstacle, not a tool. Namely, I thought it surfaces after events happen, not drive their fruition. I am more compassionate to myself regarding it, realizing it's neither inherently good nor evil. I've also discovered that comfort isn't bad when derived from self-care. (Proper meals & grooming) External progress might not be evident yet. However, I am relieved to no longer be at odds with myself. If I stay astute, progress might be smoother than using brute force.