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~ The Courage to be Disliked - Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga ~ I decided to post about this book here for two reasons: 1) Most of the feedback I gave on books recommended to me by a friend was on Discord, and I typed too much there. 2) I think enough of it relates to the journeys people here are on that come with addiction; even to ways of thinking about it. This is not a review - because I'm no expert critic - but I thought maybe other people aside from @Pochatok, who shared this book openly, might also find an 'in'/reason to give it a try. Edit: I recommended the 'Silo' trilogy last year, and still kind of do - I loaned the first one to a friend last month. Hugh Howey is the author. ____________________ The thing that's sticking in my memory the most is the idea of generally having either vertical or horizontal relationships, almost like a (cartesian) plane in maths. It is really hard to successfully avoid talking down to people in any way whatsoever, but the dialogue in the book basically highlights an importance of making horizontal relationships a habit. To use another related point from the book, one solution is to see other people as comrades, not enemies. I take an unfortunate lyric (sarcastic or otherwise) from one of my favourite singers, 'Strength means blessed with an enemy'. That really only felt true for me when I had few friends, as a much younger boy, and when I rarely felt a moment of peace. 'Us/me against the world' is another one which I don't think stands the test of time. For another, the most often repeated statement was 'All problems are interpersonal relationship problems'. I think one argument from the youth was, "But of course! Climbing the social ladder is all that matters/the only purpose we've got, right?" - I paraphrase because I'm not at the stage of whipping the book open to quote from yet. But actually, the (Alfred 'Adlerian') philosopher was saying that people have fears of simply having healthy relationships with whomever, wherever. If one gives a relationship a sincere effort, to discover a complete lack of virtues (or something or other), he briefly suggests severing it, but also saying that (I think) without enthusiasm. The point being giving a horizontal relationship an honest try. As Cam says of gaming friends, perhaps never having seen the intricacies of the other person/people's faces and their reactions, a lot of those relationships can turn out to be superficial and stagnate when the game is no longer played or shared. I confess to 'clearing' my game's 'friends list' regularly a few times every year, back in the day. It really says something. --> There are more things of course, and I should say that reading a book that is pure dialogue can become addictive and even dramatic in the mind. The writing made that mostly worth it though. I am grateful for Po's sharing this alongside a particularly helpful post while journalling, which made me mentally kick myself until I actually committed to checking it out. As I said to my mom last night, even someone like me can usually trace the knowledge or idea(s) that another individual, not myself, put forward, and that that gives it more weight in my mind to consider than the average rumination I might get on my own. Good luck for the weekend, ~ Matt

Thank you everyone for the kind words and stories. I appreciate it. Things are getting better. My therapist recommended 6 hour sleep shifts rather than the 4 or 3. It's made a huge difference. I wake up more restored and ready for the day. I don't feel as much brain fog and I'm less depressed. My wife feels the same. I return to work this week. I'm excited to resume my career but I'll miss that time with my family. I'm very grateful to have had that much time off. I'll be working from home so I'll still be with them. My wife quit her job and will raise him for the next couple years before school. We're not going to home school him. We just don't trust daycare providers after hearing so many horror stories. I texted my friends group chat and asked if their experiences with their kids sleeping issues and stuff was similar. I told them I'm struggling and feel like a failure. They all sent very nice messages and called me for a week. That really got me feeling a lot better. I got some great suggestions and care out of it. It really helped to know that other people struggle as well. Not that I want them to struggle, but it's relieving because I constantly worry I'm doing a bad job or something. I'm working with my therapist on my agoraphobia issues. I've been afraid to leave the house and have had panic attacks. I feel better now but I have a lot of work to do. I didn't realize agoraphobia was actually the fear of not being able to escape a situation in public rather than fear of leaving the house. I'm not afraid to leave. I'm just afraid of what could happen. Ever since 2010 I've been afraid of going into public because of fears of mass shooters. College was tough because a lot were happening at schools and I was afraid it could happen. I'm also afraid of throwing up in public after a bad incident when I was 9. So I always try to remain close to home with lots of stomach aids to help me if needed. It will take time. Something for gamers to think about: I've been on this journey for 6 years now and I'm still learning things about myself and why I act certain ways or crave things. So please, if you're frustrated with yourself after however much time you've committed to this, just be patient and thank yourself. It's gonna take time.

Thank you. Yeah he absolutely loves falling asleep on us and although it's cute, it can just be stressful since you can't really get up to go to the bathroom or anything lol. It helps to know others did this as well.

Thank you! I definitely see myself in him. I was very happy to be snuggled and wanted to be with people at all times and he totally does this lol.

Thank you! Yes. I'll touch on this in my post but they stepped up big time.

Not sure I understand. (Anyway wanted to say that I wanted to correct myself a bit and say that every day is a new opportunity to prove yourself (because the count is not exactly 0 but it is pretty close. You have your momentum and background, but today you decide what you're going to do all over again 🙂 )

Entry 09.05 (Written on 10.05) Day 588: No Useless Videos Day 585: Sticking to Food schedule Day 189: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 180: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros! !! (Day 7) -4 hrs physical activity -dozed off for only about 15 minutes which allowed me to do a lot more job search (on table, not allowing myself to go to bed 🙂 ) 1 Thing I could do better -Write definite goals for food prep so that I may write and measure times more effectively as I used to: Say 1. Put dishes to their places from dryer+ Get dishes prepared for meal + start eating banana (if earlier then 6:30 if not, add this to point 2. 2. Get food out of fridge 3. Weigh food apart for tahini 4. Throw out food trash, wash hands, put remaining food to fridge. 5. Pour tahini, cleanup if there's anything left + go to room This is for breakfast.

May 11 Summary: I was all about cheering myself up yesterday. It's been a little while since I woke up glad to smell the air and hear background noises outside, as I usually did last year's detox. I remember @DanielG saying that relapsing again, after discovering there is a problem, makes quitting again more difficult - for a couple of reasons I can think of. Basically, during the day I spent 5 largely guiltless hours at a social club an hour away, then had a shared dinner. I was rained on pretty heavily for 10 minutes again on the way back, and the bus was filling up, but it wasn't too much of a worry. Last night fixed my sleep, as I hoped. Yesterday morning I did my walking circuit at a very odd hour because I gave in to sleep at 6pm. I've been wondering whether many of my journal entries makes for frustrating reading, because I haven't posted more along the lines of, "OMG I got the job!!!" or "We finally kissed!@". I'd probably type about those things in almost the same manner as the rest of this entry. I'm not pessimistic, but I usually like to stop myself at a certain level of happiness - not only to avoid mania, but also because it hurts less when someone almost cruelly snaps me back to reality, be it economic or a different kind. That's all. ______________ Gratitude: ~ saw my mom ~ kind of patched up in chat with the men's group because I had posted detractively when sad ~ the people at the social club forgave me for being sad ~ still received DOMS from my not-so-intense workout So I also hear by deduction, giving away peace is supposed to be hard if I haven't got enough myself, but it is how I am as default. Wishing you all the same kind of peace, ~ Matt

Hit the gas mate, every day you wake up, the count is 0 🙂

Entry 08.05 (Written on 09.05) Day 587: No Useless Videos Day 584: Sticking to Food schedule Day 188: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 179: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros yet again -4 hrs physical activity -going to two nterviews 1 Thing I could do better -The sae as yesterday, stop the napping momentum of two hours which I'm building as a habit - Limit naps to half hour and see how it goes when I'm extra tired do job search because its a less demanding activity

May 9 (morning again) Gratitude: ~ I wasn't discouraged enough during my warm-up walk to not enter the gym. I was able to remind myself that my mood would likely stay low-ish if I didn't try to do something. It was a compromise of hack squats, between going all-out as planned and giving in to 'just chest pressing' ~ I got to watch the sky turn from dark to light whilst actually lifting! ~ the curry I was able to make last night and finish eating an hour ago ~ y'all's participation here online 😉 _______________________ It was never easy, feeling like I was the only one taking (sometimes foolish) steps forward in social situations with the family, and in primary school. I chose to take the easier path of socialising online, also feeling like I couldn't chase my dad up for advice every night after he'd moved out. I think that in the beginning on Mondays, after spending the weekend with him, I arrived for some very happy high-school days because I hadn't 'needed' gaming. My then-best friend had a harder time whilst we were studying together because it was only his mom and sometimes grandmother too, and he even told me that he felt it was up to him to take care of the household, at thirteen. When one of those two brothers I chatted with last weekend asked me if my parents were one of those separations, or whether I simply had 'two Christmases', I wanted to say both, but the honest matter was that I had 2 at least - 'Spoilt', I said. Today at the gym, I took note of two people who were training. One I only overheard greeting another in a slightly-camp but also very loving way, and wished I were that far into relationships with women I fancy. The other was a very lean and slightly muscular man a few years older than me, who looked fairly intimidated as he waited for his personal trainer to set up some weights for him. The gym was packed with people. I wanted to take a few steps over and say 'this morning is going to go well for you, and if not, I've got your back', but I felt like I had to wait for eye contact, or else we'd miss that initial moment of trust to advance from. It's silly, but my improvisational talking ability when I feel things like that suffers quite a bit still. Maybe next time. Gotta get up again. Til later, ~ Matt

4 May - 8 May: Traveled around with my girlfriend a bit more again. We cleared up some future holiday/traveling expectations and planning as well. It wasn't easy to communicate these things, but I believe we are on the same page now and we don't need to clash about it in the future. The weather wasn't as good yesterday and today, but we still managed the trips.

True, that's often how I got by with a long line of pizza orders ahead. 😛 I also wonder if Po should use this book he recommended to answer you! I'm only 2/3 finished reading it. (edit: p184-187, wow! - 'the courage to be disliked')

I guess people/actors enter a trance-like experience when they perform. Sure, they have some skills we don't have, but I also think they calibrate themselves towards the performance too. I think theatre actors are mainly interested in these states/benefits and that's why they do their jobs. I'm curious. How do you understand the word "meritocracy"? What is it in your eyes? From the way I understand it, good performers get a raise, get recognition/good feedback etc. To link up to what I wrote above, let's say I want to visit a play in a classical theatre. I pay my time (and normally some money too) and I expect a certain level of performance from the actors. They don't need to be the best and do their best on that day, but the idea here is I can't "see through them" whether they mess something up. I think if the institution put together a bunch of amateurs with little experience/little finesse/little care, I'd have every right to be unhappy with their lack of skill. I'd prefer to watch a bunch of average professionals who know their business, likely who got to the theatre play based on merit and who worked their way up from being amateurs at first. (Note I am not arguing whether some jobs should be paid more/less or whether being a CEO is more valuable than being a regular worker.)

It's been a week since my last post, A week has passed since my last post, yesterday I played for a few hours and because of that I only slept for 5 hours. I feel bad, but I don't look into this feeling. Tired again. I played because I'm stressed the next day at work, whether I'll do everything right, whether the tasks I had planned but didn't do will cause me problems. I also played so I wouldn't feel lonely because I could talk to my friends. I have huge problems concentrating, it took me about 30 minutes to write this short post. I need to bring back my inner voice, it was silenced some time ago. I'm starting to add more things to my action plan again and it's already become too much. I need to update my priorities. 1. Sleep well 2. Stop browsing YouTube, Twitch, Facebook (unless for a specific purpose) 3. Exercise 4. Limit listening to music - don't listen to it when you need to concentrate (or listen to music that will help you focus), find time in complete silence, it's best to go outside in the evening and think. 5. Diet - better nutrition, no sweets and sweet drinks 6. Writing assignments on the board in my room. I don't know if it's too much, but that's all I would like to change in the near future, I'll see in a week if I have any chance of following these points. If it doesn't work, don't change it, just remove the ones that cause me the most problems. I'm starting to understand the impact writing about my problems has on my well-being. Thank you all for being here!

Welcome, I'm so glad that you came to visit my journal and added something from yourself! I'm just looking for that balance. Sometimes it is difficult for me to refuse something from someone who uses me, but I am slowly resisting. I find that I prefer to be nice to people who are nice to me. Before, I was nice to literally everyone.

May 8 A few times now, being halfway through this book @Pochatok recommended me, I've wanted to go back and 'school' the community on my RPG(s), or at least assert things better. I remember 10+ years ago on another version when my 'separation of tasks' was 'good', and I mainly encouraged people who had some kind of vision already. I know that creating an image and trying to get people to follow that is ultimately not what I want. E.G., a few times I had to get my butt handed back to me while playing the game to remind me of the value in that; I went in too 'strong' at first. Some people still confused me back then, of course. One time, I didn't 'forthrightly' enough ask a cafe in the process of closing if I could borrow their can opener for my communal can of fish to share with two other teenagers, as an elderly lady who was listening told me afterward - perhaps on other days being of similar character to those who lament not being offered a young person's seat in exactly the right manner. Before I'd met those teenagers, I was an A-grade performer in offering up my seat on public transport. _________________ I remember the moment I received 'the best loot' I'd ever had on my online game early this year. I wasn't in the middle of anything pressing - in fact, I actually carelessly said out loud that 'I love you Jesus (this is the moment)' almost without any attachment. I knew that the odds were something like the equivalent of 300 hours' of the same gaming 'experience' (to use one word), but it probably felt the same as winning the lottery would. I would ask anyone, "Do you know the biggest relief? That nobody would really care about the first event. Because winning the lottery would surely be one of the worst things that could happen to me, I think." Sure, I told my Dad about it, because I wanted to convince him that I was unattached to the result of that gaming session, and that I would indeed be giving it up any week then-about - and I helped him understand that it was only 'worth' a very small fraction of a week's real-world salary - but mostly that I felt undeserving of that reward, because of how little fun I was having with other people when I got it. That's something I've just admitted to myself. _________________ Gratitude: ~ only getting rained on for 5 minutes whilst out ~ not letting myself become significantly angry - I still feel like I can't convince myself quickly enough verbally of what I think I already know about upsetting situations when alone, but there remains a success ~ today hasn't seemed to hinge on my planned workout's completion, probably because I beat a lot of discomfort on this morning's walk - might update with what I actually do, again ~ the friendliness in a new shop I visited this afternoon Happy Wednesday, ~ Matt

Entry 07.05 (Written on 08.05) Day 586: No Useless Videos Day 583: Sticking to Food schedule Day 187: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 178: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros -0.5 hr visualization in sun -1 hr run at the gym i used to work 1 Thing I could do better -Limit naps to half hour and see how it goes.

According to Adlerian psychology, it's just from interpersonal relationships, isn't it? Which one(s) do you think? 🫠 EDIT: Whilst that is almost exactly what I'd say to a friend (or comrade?) at moments of busy-mindedness (had they recommended me something to read that was changing their life positively and was half of the reason that I felt busy!), I'm sorry if that's too short or brief. This forum should have a more formal edge to it than instant-messaging or offline 'chit-chat'. 9 days, wicked!

- The tasks of pizza-making and doing the dishes were perfectly relevant to me. If I were less intolerant of people exercising control over me, or if my boss were less intolerant of dissenting opinions, perhaps I would have continued to move heaven and earth for him and the others there. - People have told me to try all sorts of things, but today I only realised that I'm now pretty much more afraid of not working than I am engaging in proper dissent. Each time I was 'righteously indignant' and paused, or turned to face my boss, he'd immediately say 'No, please, just make the pizzas!'. a) I feel like my spatial awareness and planning abilities are set in place. What it seems I have to simply do is pay more attention to people and things so that I can learn from them. That's what I try to do, without upsetting people or things that I don't know very well. b) Yeah, it always kind of made sense, my boss being good at 'slapping together' a pizza and its ingredients but not really enjoying the repetition and process as I did. I guess the difference between it and clicking around on my game was that I felt bad when I didn't click fast or accurately enough, and could result in loss of e-value. Certainly, topping a pizza 'incorrectly' with a piece of salami was as easily-fixed as kind of a reflex. It literally seemed like art; painting a food-picture. I liked it. But I don't think I should expect to be able to, even with others' help, transform my old workplace into the happy space it once was (I came to know it in the final years as a very depressing space). I am still applying for work in kitchens 25% of the time.

There is an important distinction between nice and kind, imo! Sometimes, being kind means not being nice, and vice versa. I always try to lead with kindness- as in, I want the best for you. That can mean saying something that's difficult for the other person to listen to. It can also mean saying something nice. But I never put nice-ness as the goal- often, it can be subverted into lying/evading/manipulating others. I'm nice when it helps me be kind, not the other way around. Just my 2c- look forward to hearing more about your journey! So glad to see you passionate about change and learning ❤️

Brief update: day 9. writing this after some significant struggle- about 30mins lost to some escapism. not sure where it came from, not sure why i needed it. i am not sure what it is i am running from- and i want to find out. i'll sit through it next time it's around. i don't want to dissociate. this world is too precious, and nothing i can really take for granted.

Hope you are able to continue with your 90 day journey. Day 4 for me.

How is the job search coming along? Is there anything relevant for you? I think going somewhere for a few hours a day, learning something new, providing value to other people and getting paid in the process is a good idea overall 😄 I actually listen to game soundtracks fairly often, because they are good pieces for work or fit my mood and I know them. I don't really search for any new soundtracks though, as I am not involved in gaming anymore. I found some new artists later on too, but for me the categories are "I listened to *this* when I was 15, 18, 21, 24." without any strings attached. I still have gaming related thoughts and dreams regardless, but no urges, as I don't want to go back to who I was when I gamed. "Clicking around" is a part of many jobs, so it is a skill, or at least a part of some skills. It doesn't matter if they're paid or not, but people normally give others money for things they don't want to do themselves. I don't know what the most viable definition of a "man" is. I only know that it has to be natural and come from within you. I know it's good to align words with actions and focus on things that matter. I think that these are surprisingly universal and are a part of my monthly reports (social - family/friends/girlfriend, work, health/exercise).

I spend too much time trying to become perfect and not enough time taking action - that's was and still is my problem. I was looking for various tips and instructions on the Internet on how to do something better. After you mentioned this program, I saw it and it's great, I will definitely use it No, after what you wrote to me, I realized that this was not what I meant and indeed my statements could have been misleading. Everything's okay.