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  1. Today
  2. I always was a PC gamer, too. Fortunately our router cannot handle online gaming. And getting a new router and configuring it through the ISP would involve a lot of work so I am safe there.
  3. Day 6 - 10/12/2019 A not so good day... Woke up not so early, so I blew the possibility of finishing the project in the morning. Went to work and finished it by 15 PM, that's the only thing I did until then. Then I had to study and make some assignments. Couldn't finish it because I was so unmotivated. I can't remember the last time I was that unmotivated before in college! The subject could be more interesting but the classes and assignments are so boring, I just created a blockage with it. Thank God it is almost finished, I just gotta deliver the final presentation. But anyway, I'm disappointed. I should've finished the task, but I'm not gonna worry about what I cannot change anymore. After that I went to sleep at about 2 AM. Current Streaks No games - 172 days No Porn/Masturbation - 11 days Things that I should do every now and then Body grooming - Last done 06/12/2019 Hair Care - Last done 09/12/2019 Clip nails - Last done ? Deep organize room - 30 days challenge - Day XX Going to start it this week. Thinking about a diet. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Finishing the project. Now it's not in my hands anymore (not completely). Exercise Not today. Gotta get back on track! Social Not many opportunities to be social. Morning Routine First 60 minutes with no Cellphone - Done Physiotherapy - Done Skin care routine - Done Brush teeth and floss - done, but gotta buy some dental floss! Make my bed - out of home, didn't need to! Maybe I'm gonna integrate some meditation in the morning, but I don't wanna get overwhelmed with new habits in the beginning. Evening Routine Skin care routine - Done. Physiotherapy - Done. Brush teeth and floss - Brushed. BUY SOME FLOSS!! Daily Habits Tracker I'm going to start adding habits soon. Reading Not today. Getting to bed before 10pm Not today. Weekly Goal(s) Get in contact with the music school I searched and find out plans/prices for singing lessons. Maybe guitar too - IN PROGRESS Find a dentist and schedule it. Buy Christmas Gift to SO. Cook meals for the week (Important! You are spending too much money eating!) Ask about the documents and procedure to graduate. Get the documents to graduate Monthly Goal Present the final project and graduate. Start the programming course. 3 Month Goal Need some planning. What went well today: Finishing project. What I could have done to make my day better: I could have had more focus on the assignment. What I will do differently tomorrow: More focus on the important tasks. Gotta put the nail in the coffin in the project.
  4. Update: Things have been good. I've been going through a breakup, which made things more difficult recently but I haven't played for 2 weeks now which is great and I've been able to accomplish a hell of a lot. Pushing my life forward feels great. My girlfriend also held me back and it took some time to break free of that and I feel like without her and without gaming I can develop at a faster pace, a pace that I like a lot more. So on the music front I was able to really hone in, but an area where I want to increase my learning speed is social skills. I've been making progress over the last 3 years, it's insane how shy I was back then and how much I let people push me around. I've definitely developed a lot since then but there is plenty more to learn, I am now functioning in the social world, but want to take that to thriving. I will be making detailed goals and focusing on certain aspects at a time. For the following 1-3 weeks I will focus on not being so submissive during conversation, this includes: "pity" laughing at things I don't find funny saying yes combined with nodding in an overeager & hectic manner, as opposed to doing these things when I actually am interested in what the person is saying and or agree with it. Not feining interest in every topic another person brings up, being ok with showing disinterest, disapproval instead of smiling and nodding to everything
  5. 2019-12-09: day 39 90 day detox: | #########~~~~~~~~~~ | 43.3% Complete Today: went to sleep ~1.15am read lord of the rings woke up ~8.30am brush teeth, shower, make bed went to meet with vendors Activities: pray brush teeth shower cleaned room a little wedding planning met with printing company for invitations spoke with another photographer My room is an absolute mess right now. I haven't folded my laundry, my bags are still unpacked from my business trip, and I have amazon prime boxes everywhere. The gift I ordered for my fiance came in today and I couldn't wait to give it to her. I really should have waited for actual holidays time but I just couldn't hold it in. I justify it because it's something she needed to try on and I wasn't sure I got the right size. We were in the sort weeks ago and she saw something she loved but they didn't have the size. So I looked online and found it around black Friday. Had my friend wrap it up for me because whenever I do it it just comes out looking like a sock. The smile on her face was totally worth it. For myself I got a new drawing tablet. I want to get back into digital painting. It's something I worked on a lot years ago and actually got pretty good at it. Drawing and painting has always been a childhood passion of mine and at one point I wanted to try and do it professionally. My dad kind of scared me away from it saying I wouldn't make money that. For better or for worse I listened to him and followed a career in technology. I'll probably never really know where I would be if I had pursued a career in digital art. I also got a fitbit. I want to get better at tracking some basic healthy stuff like sleep, steps, and weight. I'm actually below my bmi and need to gain a few pounds. For some it might sound like a funny problem to have in a country where food is everywhere but for me it's actually embarrassing to be as skinny as I am. I can't fit into normal men's clothe's most of the time and I'm not really happy with how lanky I am. Today was damp and rainy but we managed to get a few things done for the wedding. I met with someone to do invitations. I saw about a dozen different cards and they more or less looked the same. My fiance is the one who is more particular so I was trying to pick out something that matched what she was looking for. For me, I really couldn't care less. It's just a piece of paper that's supposed to tell people where and when a particular party is supposed to happen. My fiance and I spoke to another photographer but this guy was absolutely nuts. We would ask him a question and he would just all over the place going off on tangents. It was hard to really get a sense of what he was offering. Still so much to do and we can't make any final decisions on things without both sides (parents) approving. My mom is easy going but unfortunately my fiance's parents are a little more particular about the cost of the wedding. It's been stressing us out for last couple of weeks now because we're at this point where we want to start signing contracts and moving on to the next steps of planning our wedding. My plan for tomorrow: Tomorrow: wake up 8.00am breakfast + tea, brush teeth, make bed Scala go to appointment 9.00am be at work by 11.00am go to sleep by 12.00am read Lord of the Rings before bed Activities: pray brush teeth breakfast, tea clean up scala wedding stuff
  6. Yes - perfectly normal. Addiction is the inability for someone to self-regulate regardless of the outcomes/impacts/punishment. I am not so much a console gamer but a huge PC gamer. After spending so many years I have tried so many tricks to get games working or bypass rules etc. As I told @stablish once, "Give me enough time, I'll try to play games on a toaster." I got around it by downgrading. I packed up my PC, gave away my graphics card, and bought a $190 laptop and put linux on it. Now if I really want to play games there is extra steps between me and doing that - which usually ends up with me giving up or getting distracted by something else. You're not crazy mate, just feeling the symptoms of addiction. You will have a completely different perspective after 90 days.
  7. @Alexanderle. Yeah, when I restarted about a month ago, I did two every two weeks, and recently I've just been adding one every two weeks since I've been struggling with NoFap. Every two weeks because that's how often I see my therapist, and I use the habit as a promise to him, that I will keep it over the next two weeks. Overall, this has worked out well. It's slow going at the start, but over time the benefits start to compound. I find it easier this way too as too many changes all at once can be a lot to adapt to, and it is easier for me to focus on the problems that arise in my life by taking on that new habit. Otherwise it's hard to pinpoint which problem applies to which habit which requires a given solution. And thanks about the back, I'm working through it. I'll figure it out. Day 227 No VG - 227 days, journaling - let's go for another 7 days, no sports news - 42 days, NF - 7 days!!!, SOB - 8 days, NNO59 - 14 days!!!, No Internet after 1030 - 14 days Geez I'm beat. Was at work for nearly twelve hours today and I had therapy afterwards. And I had to cook dinner. And I need to do dishes. Bleh. Main topic at therapy today was how I look towards others for my self-worth and self-esteem rather than...well...myself. Thinking about it some more, I don't think that finding validation in external things is necessarily bad. It's feedback of sorts and it's important. I think it's a problem when too much identity and self-esteem is rooted in other interactions with people. There's a spectrum between being reliant on others to feel good, to being a grounded and integrated person, to not caring so much about others that one becomes anti-social. In my case, I think I'm going to attack this from both ends (doing things that provides validation, and becoming more comfortable with myself) and hope at least one of the two works. New habit is going to be no internet after 1030 (originally said 10 to my therapist, and then I panicked after I walked out, haha.) The exceptions to this will be work, and music/podcasts from my phone. That's it. This will help continue to get me to bed earlier, which will get me more sleep, which will make me more stable, which will make me more able to handle life's problems, which will raise my self-esteem. I've done much better this year with respect to this anyway. When I got back to Game Quitters, I was probably staying up to 2 on a work night at least once every week to two weeks. During this past streak, I've very seldom done so, maybe once every few months. Right now my bed time is more around 1130-12, rather than 1030 like it should be. I'm shorting myself a few hours every day which leaves me functional during the week, but really tired come Friday. Finally, my back is in a lot of pain now. I'm going to do some more research, stretch, and then go to bed. Forget dishes.
  8. I don't really think that you are getting the point here, bud. Not all people do what their parents tell them to, not all of them stop doing it at 18 and 18 is a random age at best. I started making my own choices ages before that. I feel like you generalize rather quickly. Sadly something that solidifies my prejudice towards religious people. What is the new global system? Who are they? Or what is it? What do they do or want? And I said religious people or blind faith freaks me out. Not muslims specifically. I have met creepy Christians, Evangelistic particle physicists, ... I am not saying I do not like your religion or you. I am saying that all blind faith is bad, no matter what imaginary entity, god or prophet wrote the book. It's a bit presumptuous to assume I look at your religion and see all those bad things. You don't know me, what I think or feel. Assuming you do, is falling into the same trap that those people who make snap decisions about you. Can you see the irony? I feel like you have a couple of itchy trigger fingers when it comes to this. But I can understand that. Hell, I am a white cis-male. In terms of privilege I have nothing to complain about. I can imagine it can be extremely hard for any outspoken Muslim nowadays. And I certainly agree with that the media tends to tell the story in a certain way. But none of that was at all what I was talking about. You kind of dragged it into the conversation. Why? I mean, you don't have to be a Muslim to find the Islam poetry moving. It you don't have to be a Catholic to be able to listen to a sermon. It's not all black and white. Why do you think I would find answers at a mosque? Or any building of faith for that matter? There are simply just questions without answers. Not only is that okay and just one of life's things. It is a scary and arrogant thing to claim that beyond all contradictions, there ís a place with those answers. No, there most likely is not. Because there are thousands of those. All of them want your time, your money, your voice or your mind to control. That is why I do not like blind faith religious people. They like to think they have it all figured out, as if they are some kind of untouchable. But nobody can have a monopoly on what is true because the meaning of life is whatever you choose it to be. And if it isn't, well then none of this matters anyway XD Who told you we need others to judge ourselves? And what the hell does a professional who does that even look like? At school we get grades, sure. But that is not judgement. How well you can remember historic dates or reproduce mathematical concepts or avoid bad spelling has nothing to do with your moral compass or your self-esteem. Nobody can judge you but yourself because nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes, all the time. That is how we learn. You are the only one who can judge yourself because you are the only one who truly knows yourself. We are not telepaths. Others cannot look into our hearts like that. It is an extremely unhealthy lifestyle to try and please others that do judge you. More often than not, those kinds of people are toxic. The type that would get pleasure out of others misery. I don't judge others or at least try not to. It is wrong. But I still do it obviously. To err means I am human. And what do you mean by solely noting that that one viewpoint of mine does not conflict with your religion? What if it did? Would you look at my choices differently? Would I become more inferior? Is that not judging me then and therefore a tad hypocritical? Or are you agreeing? Because I would rather you then say that what you believe coincides with what I believe to be important. Harshly put, I do not care about what your religion thinks is important, I care about what you yourself think. Not what some system of faith had told you what is right or wrong, but what you learned yourself from simply living life. I can get the former from a book around the corner. The latter cannot be measured in value. Please tell me that you don't believe we are all born good. What about sociopaths and psychopaths? They are differently wired in their brain than you or I. And they only do what they think is right, even if it is killing or worse, in their view nothing is wrong. So either they are aliens from another planet or it means that a moral compass is malleable and relative to the person using it. There is no 1 big truth out ther. And what about somebody born with a defect in their brain? Some kind of aggression disorder. They instantly start fighting from the moment they can breathe. Are those born good in your definition then? Can you see the holes in the concept your trying to uphold? Why would I have to visit a mosque? There is nothing wrong with asking these things. And why specifically a mosque for that matter? Why not a church, synagogue or temple? I tend to steer clear of deeply religious people because of how blind they are. They never have any concrete answers but yet remain evangelical about how amazing they all feel it is. You know what organizations use a similar indoctrination tactic? Cults. I have always felt talking with deeply religious people feels similar to conversing with cult members. It's like that story from Indian lore about the frog and the well. A farmer gets a bucket of water from his well and sees a frog swimming in the water below. He catches him using the bucket and sets it free. The frog asks the man who he is. The man replies his name is Jack and that this is his farm. The frog is amazed and asks if that is what he calls this awestriking world, 'farm'. "No, no. This is not another world. You were just in the well on my farm." The frog cannot fathom it and holds tightly to what he thinks is true. "No! This is another world! I have swam to the corners. I have been North, South, East and West. I have never seen anything like this ever in my world, so this must be a different world." And for the love of all we hold dear, use a spell checker or something when you talk to people online. You can clearly use upper case letters when you type out "PEACE" every single time. It would not hurt you to use proper punctuation if you don't want to come across like some kind of raving madman. Using religious exclamations at the end of each post does not give you some kind of hall pass to not have to use proper language.
  9. day 29 , wake up at 6:00 gone at 6:30 backed at 16:10 progressing in therapie , health , and many other things . I am sure that i could have done more today , PEace God bless this community
  10. You are right and I really appreciate what you're saying. I think I'm slightly over thinking this whole thing. I know it's an oxymoron what I just wrote, but I think I'm reacting to the sadness and exhaustion I'm feeling. I've allowed myself to reminisce over moments in this apartment that I've shared with my roommates over the years. I was here for 3 years with the same roommates. I never really got over the fact that I had to leave and move on. I had some of my best video game memories here, best parties ever where I hosted over 70 people over 15 times, fun nights with friends just telling jokes, etc. Now it is empty. I never dealt with the pain and repercussions of both our friendships falling apart. I kind of just angrily wrote them off as I left. Now I have time to think and thinking has hurt. I'm deciding to just treat this like a relationship breakup. I had good times, but I had more bad times than good in the last half of the time together where I was treated unfairly and was upset most days and nights. I can look down the hall and remember seeing my roommate playing RuneScape and laughing out and smoking his vape pen. I walk around the corner and see my other roommate playing Overwatch and yelling at people online. It was just nice being around people who were enjoying themselves and I was honestly a huge player on both of those games to where I was excited to talk to both of them about it. Things took an angry turn when I quit games. Conversations stopped almost entirely after 4 months of quitting the first time back in April of 2018. We stopped talking entirely in May 2018 until November 2018. In November I found that letter from my other roommate's mom saying she'd help him find jobs so he can leave. I just felt like I wasn't either of their friends and it hurt my feelings. But I can't get upset over that. I get upset about it because I cherish friendships and relationships. Although I'm socially popular, personally I don't let people in. When I do it's a very deep connection I feel and it hurts. Ruminating thoughts are weights that hold us down when we have enough balloons to float somewhere better. Now that I've thought about this: I'm in a beautiful home without the risk of getting robbed or killed in my parking lot. Two people died where I lived in the 5 months I lived there. The commute now is 6 minutes each way instead of 45 minutes. I have 3,000 sq ft of space instead of 998 sq ft. I live on a lake with a deck I can relax on and a large yard instead of a parking lot with no outdoor space. I'm in a 15 minute radius drive of all of my close friends, yoga studio, rock climbing gym, my favorite restaurants, golf courses, tennis courts, outdoor trails, parks, etc. I love this area. I can finally breathe here and relax. I feel like I'm at home. I was angry because I had to move 3 times this year and that my friendships didn't work out. I'm moving in the right direction because of my will and hope, my belief, and my support from friends, family, and community here. Thank you and sorry for posting a lot recently. I've been rather volatile and desperate.
  11. Yesterday
  12. Had a fierce desire to open my switch back up and load paladins. Damn, this shit is like crack. I would probably play a few games then get disgusted and end it again. But knowing this forum is here is helpful. Knowing that I have been more productive and made better connections with people in this short time is also helpful. It's kind of like alcohol with me. Yea I can game a little and maintain my life. But I lose my higher drive to excel and do things that actually really matter. I drink a lot and never miss work and stuff but my energy is low and I stay obsessed with stupid shit like internet porn and games. It used to be I could only enjoy games if I drank because it made stupid repetitive stuff seem entertaining. Then when I started gaming hard sober I became obsessed with ranking up. But no matter how good I did it was not really satisfying. And when I did poorly it was extremely frustrating. A lose lose situation, basically. I watched a little TV show or three. But no games. Hard not to want to watch the new Rick and Morty. And do a lot of writing. Writing is where the true satisfaction seems to come for me.
  13. Today was pretty good, but I was very tired the entire day, because I slept kind of bad. But it was still a good day. I didnt game, managed to do quite some uni stuff and spent a nice evening with my girlfriend. I really hope I am gonna get back some sleep tonight so I have the energy for uni and a workout tomorrow! I stood by my challenge and only took the stairs today. I actually cant wait to go back to the gym tomorrow I am really hyped at the moment. I really want to get fit and buff again!
  14. Marriage won’t make your relationship or life better. It does provide some protection for the partner that earns less money, regardless of gender. Spiritually and believing in a higher power has helped me have more joy, peace and stillness in my life. But it should not be imposed on anyone. I find the teachings of Buddhism to be lovely. Have a beautiful day my friend.
  15. Day 259 08.12.19 Gratitude journal Today I am grateful for having a productive day. Today I am grateful for having a great family. One amazing thing that happened/I did today ------ Workout/run more than 18k steps 5.5km running/interval training Meditation 10min (first thing in the morning^^) Visualisation and daily affirmation did a bit of my affirmation and visualisation in the morning Reading (6hour(s) of studying for the next exam today) studied more than 6h, listened around 2h to podcasts to relax and better myself (but now I nearly finished with this one and need new material 😞 ), did my spanisch exercises my wake-up time 08:00 Weekly Goal(s) start waking up before 7am regularly, study/learn something everyday, have a perfect week and find healthy and productive ways to relax (now more important than ever since I am denying myself a lot of usual fun, relaxing activities) Monthly Goal to study/learn something everday, be more grateful for everything in life, find the joy of living in the moment, think hard about my values and what kind of person I want to be, stay vegetarian or rarely eat meat, stay away from porn, anything related to games, webnovels and guilty pleassure fantasy books 3 Month Goal to finally getting my degree, avoid the comfort zone as much as possible and try to get 90 days of no webnovels, sweets and porn done! What went well today: (NP:2/NW:1/NS:3/NM:0) did my meditation and my usual spanish session, studied a bit and had a nice run it seems I will be doing more interval training indoors since it has gotten quite cold outside What I could have done to make my day better should have done some more Tai-Chi exercises What I will do differently tomorrow/What I have planned for tomorrow: wake up before 7, study at least 3 to 4h, go to work, if I have the time go to the last Tai-Chi session this year Weekly summary, thoughts and improvements for the future -----
  16. Moving is one of the biggest stressors. Of course you feel sad, angry and defeated. Big change of environment and foundation. Different layout and community. New routines and structure. It’s so tough. You are not alone. Sending all my love, joy and peace. And BIG hugs!!
  17. Ikar

    Ikar's Diary

    Day 233: I packed a few more things from my parents' house to use in my college flat in the morning. I went to check up my ears to the hospital to see if they were blocked. To my surprise, the doctor said that everything was alright. The classes were a bit of a struggle today. I could say I wasn't able to maintain the focus I normally do, so I was less receptive and less creative than usual. I hope this passes (preferably overnight? 😄 ), because I have this damned cold for the last week and I'm looking forward to getting rid of all its symptoms. I did a bit of shopping, wrote, caught up on Mandalorian and got my schedule done for the week. I did not read today, but I read about 60 pages of Gulag Archipelago in the past two days.
  18. @Phoenixking Wonderful post. I'm not sure if I would be able to compose a better answer than you did, had the questions been handed to me. I'm still gonna drop my thoughts on marriage, sex and religion/philosophy. I think today it's hard to justify being married and not having kids (on the way) at the same time. As it is, it really is the "paper for official breakup" (the two likely hate each other at the point of no return), perhaps a bit more financially convenient (though some countries have good benefits for "fake" single moms). I think the only legal certainty of marriage therefore lies in that the child has to be taken care of by parents. At least that is how the situation seems to me in central Europe. I don't think marriage is bad or good. I think it's a tool, that unfortunately gets misused my most people. I believe they use it as a gun barrel pointed to their head, loaded with social stigma, so they rather stay in a bad relationship than to divorce. After all, I believe if that wasn't true, I think this forum would not have to exist, because our childhoods would be perfect and we all, with the help of our parents, would squash our gaming addictions in their infancy. I think @BooksandTrees made a similar remark at some point regarding family. I want to get married some day. But I'd rather use marriage as one of the many reasons, rather than THE reason to stay with my wife and solve our problems together. Sex is great. I want it, because I didn't have it for several months and there's nothing like it. But it really creates such emotional connection between the two that it blinds them to virtually anything else. I think if it doesn't affect them emotionally and doesn't glue them together (for some time anyway), then there's something wrong with the person. It's a point of no return and if you think about it, it is exactly that for any other animal but human, because we invented contraceptive methods. So while I want it, I know I have to wait for the right time and the right woman. I considered becoming religious after quitting games (because "coming clean" for the first week felt like a religious experience), but the more time passed by, the more I thought I can set up better rules for myself, rather than to use some particular book as the main source of them. I think as long as I am conscious of "what I sow is what I reap" (which is on the same level as is the believer being aware of his sin on his way to vestry - he sowed poorly and reaped badly), I'm good to go.
  19. I'm painfully sad at the moment. I have no emotion really other than emptiness. I'm lonely beyond belief and that's why I relapsed with porn last night. It was terrible. I keep remembering the memories of the past 2 years as I walk the halls of my old apartment that I'm living in again. All gone. The move went well. I'm just sad about leaving again. It makes me so upset about how difficult life is. I have nothing left in the tank right now. I'm very empty. I wish for hope, love, and strength. I've used all of mine up this year. I feel so betrayed by friends and family. I feel betrayed by myself. I can't focus on work. I'm just fighting back tears and trying to be calm. I'm so embarrassed and lost. I'm such a loser. I feel like an ant.
  20. Day 5 - 08/12/2019 A day with mixed feelings... Woke up really annoyed and had a conversation with my SO about how I'm feeling unsupported in the relationship. Like everybody, she has problems and I try my best to listen and support her, and I don't think she does the same for me. But at the same time, I can't expect her to do that if I'm not vocal enough about it. So today I was. It was really hard for me, cried a lot, but I was. Hope this situation gets better in the future after this conversation. At the same time, I'm really motivated with the diary and all this changes. Willing to take responsibility for everything that I wanna change in my life. After that my day wasn't really productive. Worked on my project a little in the morning then went to the pool, which was really good. Coming back, worked a little more and then the rest of the day didn't do anything special Current Streaks No games - 171 days No Porn/Masturbation - 10 days Things that I should do every week or month Body grooming - Last done 06/12/2019 Hair Care - Last done 09/12/2019 Deep organize room - 30 days challenge - Day XX Going to start it this week. Thinking about a diet. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Having that conversation with my SO was really good. I'm a really closed person and this was a good step in overcoming this. Exercise Not today's Social Well, I count taking that conversation as a an accomplishment for me. More than that, since it's a big deal for me, I'm motivated to change my social inabilities as soon as possible. Morning Routine First 60 minutes with no Cellphone - Done Physiotherapy - Done Skin care routine - Done Brush teeth and floss - done, but gotta buy some dental floss! Make my bed - I was at the house of my SO, so no bed to make. Maybe I'm gonna integrate some meditation in the morning, but I don't wanna get overwhelmed with new habits in the beginning. Evening Routine Skin care routine - Done. Physiotherapy - Done. Brush teeth and floss - Didn't do it Daily Habits Tracker I'm going to start adding habits soon. Reading Not today. Getting to bed before 10pm Not today. Weekly Goal(s) Get in contact with the music school I searched and find out plans/prices for singing lessons. Maybe guitar too Find a dentist and schedule it. Buy Christmas Gift to SO. Cook meals for the week (Important! You are spending too much money eating!) Ask about the documents and procedure to graduate. Get the documents to graduate Monthly Goal Present the final project and graduate. Start the programming course. 3 Month Goal Need some planning. What went well today: Conversation with SO. What I could have done to make my day better: Work more on my final project. Didn't accomplish my objective, which was finishing the final version. What I will do differently tomorrow: Finish the project by the morning so that I can study the rest of the day.
  21. Some of these comments kind of rub me the wrong way, but I'm sure you mean well, so thank you 🙂 It's true. It's not easy. But the better part of what I've built relies on breeding good habits and trying to weed them out. I've cut out those people a while ago, thankfully. It's still a bit of a sore spot. They're not bad people, though. Just misguided. I had to do it to protect myself. I still have some friends who indulge, but they all know that I don't and they respect that. I don't even get invited to gaming sessions or lanparties. They just know that the invitation in itself could be a trigger. I'm pretty lucky to have friends like that. They do whatever they want with their time and so do I, but we remain very respectful towards each others' choices. I strongly feel like marrying would not solve anything. In essence, it doesn't seem to change anything in your relationship dynamic. It's handy for taxes and it's some kind of mental barricade for the future so you don't break up easily. But I'm neither going to marry soon, nor do it to solve any porn issues. I'm fairly confident that sex with your wife is the same sex as you'd have with a girlfriend. And regarding my ex, the sex was just different. Not worse or better, just different. I could just as easily settle for sex with her for the rest of my life, in theory. But her personality was a huge mess 😛 My current partner is waaaay more emotionally mature and able to handle my most difficult days and still care for me. I've put lots of blockers in place and I agree that the tiniest things could be triggers. There's ads, movies, spicy scenes, anime, hell, even just random people on Instragram. There's sex and sexual implications éverywhere. Extremely hard to dodge. But just exactly because it's so hard to dodge, I try to put my energy into dealing with them in a healthy way. I feel like I have a healthy physical relationship and I don't really think porn messes that up right now. There's still some stuff to clean out of my head though. But I think it's more valuable to pour energy not into dodging the almost ubiquitous but into dealing with it all in a way that makes me able to just manage. I appreciate your spiritual wishes. It might be a bit small-minded of me, but I'm not religious. I've always had strong feelings about that. I acknowledge that there's a certain support or use to it. But the whole opium for the masses thing scares me. Religious people freak me out. Blind faith is dangerous. I prefer science, proof and the idea that I'm fully capable of making (or breaking for that matter) my own fate. There's too many unanswerable questions and variations. I've looked at the different types of religion in detail and only buddhism appeals to me and it's not even organized like a true faith would be, it's just a collection of philosophies. I don't like handing over the idea of control over my fate to something incorporeal. I even strongly believe that something like being lucky is a skill. I've always tried to approach life as if I'm the sole one responsible for everything going on with me and around me and should always try to improve that. I don't need a Bible, Torah or Koran to learn and realize I shouldn't be a dick to people. I don't need to sacrifice all of my worldly possessions to find true happiness and I don't have to abstain from alcohol, certain types of food to be allowed to be a part of a certain community. I like being exactly who I am and the only one who can judge my choices is me. Nevertheless, thank you for your kind words.
  22. You get razor bumps? I stopped getting those after I switched to a safety razor and brush and realized the neck is shaved up not down. Also use a lot of a product called "high times bump stopper" sometimes Walmart has it nothing else works. Nowadays I only use a clippers and have a rugged look. Anyway as to eye gazing when I was younger I didn't really do it. Don't use that nose trick. Just pick an eye and look at it. It is easier with some people than others. Some people naturally enjoy it and others get a little ansy. It is especially important in professional settings and with women. Not making strong eye contact is a sign of submissiveness. Women won't be attracted to it and bosses won't see you as strong. One trick I used to use is to at least make eye contact long enough to notice what color their eyes are. That one is kind of fun. You don't want to overdo it anyway. Sometimes I do. If you are talking about deep and thoughtful subjects it is difficult to maintain eye contact and think. The only way to get over it is to just start doing it. It is fun. The eye color trick can be really helpful. People sometimes have very interesting eyes and if you are like me you will find yourself making eye contact with a smiling stranger every so often and it is a quite pleasant experience.
  23. I woke up at 2am this morning and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. At about 3 I got up and was just feeling so determined to get some things done today. I dunno where this motivation came from but suddenly I just feel like I NEED to change things up. I watched a few videos about the PCT *Pacific Crest Trail* and a couple videos about RVing and even one about living as one with nature in a tiny little house under a mountain. I have this dream of being able to hike, camp, walk and do more outdoorsy things but I have always felt like I can't do it because I don't have any friends who are into it and everybody keeps telling me not to do it alone, but nobody offers to go with me, so I have decided, Today on, I am going to start making the great outdoors my main focus! I am going to start a new way of life because the one I am doing now isn't working for me and it just reminds me of all the things I'm walking away from. Right now I get up, check to see if anybody commented on my art, stare at my art, wishing somebody would care, then maybe eat and talk to friends, then kind of dilly-dally around the internet the rest of the day. I want to go outside, even if I am just going to take a walk, and I want to read an hour a day starting TODAY. I am not sure when to read yet though. Not before bed though, because starting anything before bed is a huge problem because of my hyperfocusing. I might read after lunch or maybe after my workout... Not sure yet. I might go check out a geocache some time this week, I have some chores I am promising myself to get done this week first though. I have high hopes for this, I am going to do my best to live my dreams, even if they seem foolish and impossible.
  24. I'm very happy that you found a proper option for your daycare problem. This would be a great first step in the right direction!
  25. Happy to see you continue writing. I was getting a bit worried. If you fall a thousand times flat on your face, hard, it deserves respect to get back up 1001 times. Keep at it !
  26. Day 259 08.12.19 Gratitude journal Today I am grateful for having a relaxed day. Today I am grateful for having a great family. One amazing thing that happened/I did today ------ Workout/run more than 4k steps (restday) Meditation 10min (in the morning) Visualisation and daily affirmation did a bit of my affirmation and visualisation in the morning Reading (2hour(s) of studying for the next exam today) studied more than 2h, listened around 2h to podcasts to relax and better myself, did my spanisch exercises my wake-up time 12:00 (just like I feared the party was wild 😞 ) Weekly Goal(s) start waking up before 7am regularly, study/learn something everyday, have a perfect week and find healthy and productive ways to relax (now more important than ever since I am denying myself a lot of usual fun, relaxing activities) Monthly Goal to study/learn something everday, be more grateful for everything in life, find the joy of living in the moment, think hard about my values and what kind of person I want to be, stay vegetarian or rarely eat meat, stay away from porn, anything related to games, webnovels and guilty pleassure fantasy books 3 Month Goal to finally getting my degree, avoid the comfort zone as much as possible and try to get 90 days of no webnovels, sweets and porn done! What went well today: (NP:1/NW:0/NS:2/NM:1) did my meditation and my usual spanish session, studied a bit and overall just relaxed to cure my hangover What I could have done to make my day better should have studied at least a bit more and done some Tai-Chi exercises What I will do differently tomorrow/What I have planned for tomorrow: wake up well rested, study at least 7h, have a small workout at the gym Weekly summary, thoughts and improvements for the future -----
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