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Welcome @ksets! Glad to see another healthcare worker here. I work in the rehabilitation department. In my first year of work after graduation, I briefly worked in the ICU helping patients who had dysphagia by assessing their seating posture and providing specialty equipment as needed. I can understand how stressful the ICU can be. I hope you find this community helpful. It has been supportive for me. 🙂
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My name is Keala and Ksets is the first username i ever used in a gaming forum so thought it was a good one to use here. I am a physician that specializes in pediatric critical care and have been out of my training for some time now. I always told myself that i wasnt addicted to video games because i was able to successfully navigate my way through undergrad, medical school, residency, fellowship and the first 15 years of my career post training all while gaming. I have come to realize that i have missed out on a lot and I am working on being more mindful of my time in the present and future. Gaming was always my de-stressor, if bad things happened in the ICU then I immersed myself in world of warcraft or swtor or whatever was on my phone and handy for a few days after coming off call. It seemed ok and appropriate at the time but i know now that i missed out on valuable time with family and with myself. Day #1 without gaming Gratitude journal Today I am grateful that i found this resource. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I registered for this site. Workout/run Plan for yoga for 30 minutes when my workload decreases. Meditation 5 minutes of self-compassion break, Dr Kristen Neff's website https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/ Visualisation journaling daily Daily affirmation to treat myself as i would a friend in need Reading + taking notes currently on a re-read of the Dragon reborn, wheel of time series. plan to read and take notes on at least 2 chapters Getting to bed before 10pm i will plan for it but I am on call so I might sleep all night, for part of it or none Weekly Goal(s) delete all games from my phone, and uninstall games on my laptop Monthly Goal read daily, write daily, meditate daily 3 Month Goal 90 days without video games What went well today: signing up for this site What I could have done to make my day better: communicated with my husband more effectively What I will do differently tomorrow: eat breakfast
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Thanks @CornishGameHen! I was actually just writing a journal when i got the notification that someone had replied to my intro post. I can't wait to take this adventure with you all.
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Dear Diary, Today I started a new journey by quitting video games. I know, I know, I have told you this many times before but this time I am serious. In the past all the attempts have been solo and never really gotten to the source of my problems. The cold hard truth is that I am the source of my problems. I am the only common denominator for all those problems of which, are mine. Now, not all these problems are truly my fault or anyone's fault in particular. A lot of things happened that we couldn't control and it would be selfish to cop out and take the blame. However, I am responsible for all these problems that are now mine. Part of taking responsibility is now I am removing the crutch that for so long has given me rose colored glasses that have blinded me from the pain. The pain and the realization about my life. The "why" of me. I feel alone in a weird sense. I feel like I have so often connected through this medium of a computer that it has become clockwork. Normally, I wouldn't have done something like this. Normally, I would have stopped gaming and inevitably relapsed when i felt lonely. Normally, I would have gone back into the cycle that so cruelly continues itself. So Dear Diary, let's become new friends and do all the things that only Nick could do and awalkingcane would never have done.
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Welcome @awalkingcane. 🙂 I hope you find some valuable resources and support here. I can attest that this forum is very supportive. No pressure, but perhaps you'd like to start a journal as well, either a private one or on this forum. It helps with processing your thoughts, at the very least.
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Long time listener, first time caller
CornishGameHen replied to LordArjuna's topic in Daily Journals
Hello @LordArjuna, I took the time to read most of your journal. Thank you for sharing. I found the above quote caught my attention. That's a brilliant strategy. It's not all about positive affirmations, but to look closely at our own thought patterns by writing them down. And that includes the stream of thoughts which may have negative under-tones. And then, as you said, you can look at them objectively and move past them. I don't know if you realize this, but you're doing a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I was taught this from my therapist years ago, and we spent nine weeks working on changing mal-adaptive thought patterns. I 'still' use it to this day when things get super bad. So, kudos to you for figuring this out on your own, and learning from it. I keep a private journal too, wherein I feel safe writing about some things that trouble me most. It's my safe place. I've kept the journal entries that had some extreme thoughts because it gives me perspective and helps remind me that those 'states of mind' will pass. And yeah, some things I wrote are a bit extreme and scary, after reviewing them. Anyway, I truly hope I helped by sharing. Sounds like you're doing well by focusing on the exercise part. That is something I'd like to increase too. I used to run, both solo, and also with groups of people. I joined The Running Room three times the last ten years and even ran a 10K five years ago. It's been a while. Right now, I'm speed walking around my local track. -
Hey All, I'm just starting the journey of Respawn and figured I should introduce myself. I've hidden behind a few different names over the years online for a variety of multiplayer games but most real people call me Nick. My life has gotten to the point where gaming has become such a source of toxic behavior, depression and overall feelings of just wasting my life. In general it feels like life has bottomed out or just hasn't lived up to expectations. Gaming never caused me to fail a class or lose a job or even really lie to anyone. Most people that know me, and not the gaming habit, would say I'm successful. Unfortunately, that success is only so deep. Gaming throughout college did lead me to make some really good friends, but it also caused me to withdraw from the full world. After college, i lost contact with a lot of those friends and now only have the friends that still game online. It has become apparent just how much I have withdrawn into myself by constantly using gaming as an escape. I look forward to the future and I hope the rest of you are staying strong and committing to something great. Much love, Nick
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awalkingcane joined the community
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Day 179: I was teaching English, I visited my grandma, played Scrabble with mom and wrote a lot on GQ forums today. That's it!
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I could behind the idea she was over me faster than I was over her, as that makes sense if she happened to dump me. I just don't think she cared to look into the mirror - me - to avoid making a similar mistake of dating someone like I was (a double digit hours computer addict). I have a feeling she needs to have a similar "existential crisis", comparable to the one I had. "Normal healthy" people would just stay away from me back then and I think for a good reason. It was a letter with 2 A4s. In fact, I actually deviated from it being a letter to her (to get her back or whatever) and it's more about my new stance towards life in general, something along the lines people might call "personal mission statement" or "personal constitution". I opted for a few personal comparisons to demonstrate some of the philosophical points, though I wouldn't mind sharing it here and it'd probably be here already, if I wanted to translate it into English. The response I got from her was a weird amalgam of insufficiency/unwillingness to even attempt to truly reply to the letter. I think to try and get back together (or to start dating in the first place), you need to draw similar conclusions about how to live and then actually act it out. To put it shortly, if I believe being responsible is a good long-term strategy for life as a whole and she's essentially a nihilist and moral relativist, it'd be a suicide to try to bridge such a great gap. I think we started out both as nihilists. You can read a bit more about my relationship here:
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I didn't mind if you kept the post up. I apologize, I think I over-reacted too. I haven't read your journal yet, and maybe it would have been better if I did, so that I could understand your perspective better! I understand now when you explained what you meant. I extend an olive branch to you, my friend. 🙂
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@ksets Amazing recommendation I have to say this place is great to help build a new solid foundation highly recommend the 90+ day detox and journal forum, there is also the Respawn program options I have not tried myself. Mid 80's kid myself - welcome to the community!
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Fingerpaint joined the community
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hello and thanks for the forum. I am a 47 year old who has been playing video games well pretty much since they were created. I am currently seeing a counselor/therapist who specializes in mindfulness practice and he recommended i look into this community. thank you in advance for the opportunity and support.
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ksets joined the community
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Thank you for sharing Ikar, the similarities stories is always really beneficial. I can honestly say that had it not been for the physical pleasures of being with someone, the intimacy, comfort and sex, I would probably have left much sooner. There was very little substance and we were complete polar opposites. I had told her that I feared our differences would cause us to break-up and I was right. I am happiest when I'm productive and she was the epitome of the party girl. My mistake was resenting her for it. Everyone progresses at different rates and times in their lives, if I didn't like her where she was or who she was, I should have left. But we were both so emotionally weak that neither of us could leave. We had the same issue of not geniunely supporting each other. We might have said on the surface that we supported each other, but deep down we each felt a bit of fear that the other would leave us with their success. For me I was scared that she was going to cheat on me, I think largely because of her past actions, but also because I relied so much on her for positive emotions. Had I been a self-sustaining person, I wouldn't have been so worried because I knew I would move on and be okay. She was worried that after I got my real estate license, I would find a better partner and leave her. My leaving lesson? Be confident and realize your self-worth before getting into a relationship. Frankly, likewise, she was boring after a while. I was always on my tippy toes because her lifestyle was so chaotic, but that wasn't really intriguing. Everything was chaotically predictable. She's going to a party? 100% chance of getting drunk and abusing recreational drugs. From this I learned I want a girl who lives orderly, but makes positive surprises in her life rather than going to places where misadventures find her. I think part of what hurt so much was I never really lied to her. The only thing I ever lied about was whether not I wanted to break up with her. I really did, but again was too weak to say it. Everything else was the complete truth. Going forward, I'm going to be less blameful despite still beliveing that she was mostly to blame. For the only reason that through accepting responsibility, that I can learn more and make a more positive situation out of this occasion.
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I guess daycare jobs of any sort are carried out by women rather than men from a purely statistic viewpoint, but it's always a good idea to keep your eyes open! I also attend university classes once a week, so I meet my classmates there as well. Other than that, I am generally able to go out at least one more time per week, either with some of my other friends or family. I generally exercise alone, but I've been thinking about some collective sport recently. I also want to get back to drumming, but only on a local amateur scale with a bunch of beginners.
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Day 206 16.10.19 Gratitude journal Today I am grateful for a productive, beautiful day. Today I am grateful for meeting a friend since quite some time . One amazing thing that happened/I did today 1) fought against my inner lazy self and won^^ Workout/run more than 15k steps 2h workout at gym 4km running Meditation 17min (in the morning) Visualisation and daily affirmation did a bit affirmation and visualisation Reading (6hours of studying for the next exam today) studied 6 hours, read around 2 hours and did my spanish session my wake-up time 08:00 Weekly Goal(s) start waking up before 7am regularly, (maybe another month of miracle morning is in order), study everyday, have perfect days in a row and find healthy and productive ways to relax Monthly Goal to study everday no matter how small the amount, be more grateful for everything in life, find the joy of living in the moment, think hard about my values and what kind of person I want to be 3 Month Goal getting my degree, avoid the comfort zone as much as possible and get 90 days of no webnovels, sweets and porn done! What went well today: (NP:1/NW:0/NS:1) did my meditation and my daily spanish and studied my expected amount, had a great workout, What I could have done to make my day better maybe could studied 1 to 2 hours more and done some Tai-chi What I will do differently tomorrow/What I have planned for tomorrow: wake up around 7, go to work, go to the gym and study a bit Weekly summary, thoughts and improvements for the future ----
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Day 205 15.10.19 Gratitude journal Today I am grateful for a nice day. Today I am grateful for a great Tai-chi session. One amazing thing that happened/I did today 1) did not want to go but forced myself to participate in the weekly Tai-Chi session Workout/run more than 17k steps 90min Tai-Chi Meditation 17min (in the morning) Visualisation and daily affirmation did a bit affirmation and visualisation Reading (1hours of studying for the next exam today) studied 1 hour, read around 4 hours and did my spanish session my wake-up time 06:55 Weekly Goal(s) start waking up before 7am regularly, (maybe another month of miracle morning is in order), study everyday, have perfect days in a row and find healthy and productive ways to relax Monthly Goal to study everday no matter how small the amount, be more grateful for everything in life, find the joy of living in the moment, think hard about my values and what kind of person I want to be 3 Month Goal getting my degree, avoid the comfort zone as much as possible and get 90 days of no webnovels, sweets and porn done! What went well today: (NP:0/NW:0/NS:0) did my meditation and my daily spanish and studied a bit, had a nice Tai-Chi seesion even if I did not want to, worked 8h What I could have done to make my day better maybe should studied 1 to 2 hours more What I will do differently tomorrow/What I have planned for tomorrow: wake up around 8, go to university, study at least 6h and go to the gym Weekly summary, thoughts and improvements for the future ----
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Day 6 of Game Quitting Going through a ton of different emotions each and every day. I feel like since I've quit gaming, I've been able to experience a wider range of emotions and the things I feel are deeper than before. Previously nothing really had my attention because I was subconsciously thinking about my MMO Character, the amount of resources I needed to collect, the new Minecraft build I want to create, etc. But now, things feel different. I have a lot more focus than I ever did before because if I'm not doing something, I can't game anymore. I have to be doing something and that now involves a lot of activities I never would have considered. For instance, today I went on a date with a really beautiful girl. She's also smart, wholesome, and productive. Her life is actually in order, no smoking, doesn't drink, not a party girl. She has a career path, she's in a program she loves, good grades, travels a lot, comes with a healthy family from what I could gather. Not really looking for a relationship, but I'm glad I went to meet her because it gives me a lot of hope. When I am ready to date again, and really looking, I know that I"ll want to find someone like her. Compared to my ex, wow, she's something else. She works part-time, an entire Sunday and frankly I want to be like her. I need more discipline. I can't even get to bed on time everyday, c'mon man. Before I met my ex, I was studying for my Real Estate license in a college and doing a bachelor at the best university in the country, I was working out frequently and eating healthy. I sort of gave up a lot of that because of the loneliness I felt. I was doing a lot and not really taking care of my emotional needs. I got with someone I shouldn't have because they provided me the fulfillment I lacked. That was my fault, and no one elses'. I don't regret making that decision because I learned a lot about myself and it ingrained in me a lot of principles I had always known. This time, I feel ready, I have never felt ready to take on school and my life in general before. Things usually seem so daunting. But now with this abundance of time and vastly greater self-understanding, I think I got a fighting chance this time. Currently in the middle of a study break, going for dinner with my friend later. Again, two other new things I would have never done - study after classes and invite a friend to dinner in the city, even if it means I'll be home late. I used to leave campus and head home (about an 80 minute transit) in order to play games. It was my safe haven from the stresses of school. But for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can actually handle the workload.
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I think I can relate with my own past relationship, it's been half a year since the breakup. I'm 22 and male. Everything below is my own experience. I was in denial for the first two weeks. After I got told that she really means the breakup, I started my search for answers. Two weeks after that, I decided I would ditch gaming, partly because I was thinking we could still get together and partly out of the plain realization that this double digit hours on games/Twitch daily is just not sustainable. I was writing with her a bit after quitting gaming, but I was fairly set on the idea of a "breakup talk". She wouldn't have any of that and I think she had a bunch of reasons for that too. From what I understood, she seemed to rebound into another relationship. I could've been also jealous to an extent, but regardless of that, I still suggested her to take a break from dating. I started seeing her less and less as a dating target and more and more as a person with psychological scars that need to be treated. I also realized I was looking into a mirror. I managed to turn a person from being quite nice to me to a person with a full-blown hatred for me. At that point, I realized we both had to mess up somewhere along the way (or that our families also messed us up to a great degree as well). A few moths after that, I tried to look at the relationship pragmatically from the perspective of what we actually did, not what we said. Aside from having sex, going out for a meal or a walk, we couldn't really agree on anything. We'd just shut down each others' idea and bored ourselves to tears. We would also lie a lot, neither of us really started exercising on a regular basis despite stating that multiple times. After gradually discovering all this, I was fairly exhilarated and I wanted to share my ideas (both on my ex and my present and future) with virtually anyone, just like I shared it with you now in a short version. I think it was an important experience to incorporate into myself, as now I can screen for dates better and find out who to bloody stay away from. I hope this helps! Take your time untangling your own past.
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Day 11, Thursday 6:19 am. Non-gaming consecutive days: 3; total screen time (non-productive) since last entry: about 4 hours I don't have enough energy to be doing something all day. As I wake up before 6:00, I'm usually out by lunchtime. I don't mean that I am working physically digging trenches or anything ike that. I don't know if I am sick, lazy or what. I know that I am filled with negative emotions, especially fear. It's possible that I'm exhausting myself just with that. Yesterday I had pretty strong urges to play but somehow didn't. Didn't do much productive stuff though. Watched two movies back to back in the middle of the day to calm myself down emotionally, felt that I might as well be playing games. Is this progress!? It's ridiculous. I just go on this huge emotional waves over the slightest incident. I know I am overreacting, but that has no effect on how I feel. I can't spend hours watching movies or days gaming just because somebody said something or someone looked at me with disapproval. I am a wimp. Goal for the next 24 hours: -> continue to strengthen my ability to resist urges. 1) no gaming 2) no porn or masturbation 3) morning routine (get up at 5:30; jog - walk for 1h; meditate; breakfast shower) 4) no unproductive screen time 5) keep busy and active to build up my energy and ability to be productive for a longer part of the day, and to fall asleep more easily 6) work on my life plan
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Fair enough, I guess I was talking about myself but thought that my ideas might help you specifically. What I should have done is post a comment into my own log that didn't specifically point at you. Than if you read it you would have "liked" and agreed or ignored it if not. I have removed the post
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One of the frustrating experiences I've had while quitting games is how expensive it has been for me. Some gamers buy multiple games and that becomes expensive, but I only paid $5 per month for RuneScape and $60 per year for xbox live when I gamed. That was all of my entertainment cost and I was fine. I'd also eat less because I was so addicted that I never ate food and got sick from it. My new hobbies are expensive. Rock climbing is $120/month, eating out with friends can cost up to $400/month since everyone just wants to eat out, concerts are anywhere from $12 to $150 each, movies are $15 per ticket, vacation is expensive, yoga is $15 per class, and my gym memberships is $20/month. I don't really seem to find cheaper hobbies that enjoyable. I like the 3D modeling idea and making funny videos (software subscription is $35/month). I also like making my own website (hosting fees are $10/month). The issue with these hobbies is they are lonely hobbies. I only seem to enjoy activities and hobbies I can do with others in a group or in a game setting. I'm making money at work to cover these costs. The issue is I'm tired of spending this much right now. I want to save more money. This year has just been stressful because I was in so many weddings and people can't seem to fucking have a wedding close to you. You gotta pay hundreds for travel, give them a gift of a few hundred dollars, rent a suit (suits have been more expensive than the bridesmaids gowns for all of my weddings as well funny enough), then dance to the same songs with people you hate seeing and eat crappy mass-catered food that isn't special. Plus, I've been dating a bit and as the male you're expected to pay for every fucking meal and activity. I get offers to help pay from my date, but in the instances where I've taken her offer to split the check, she later criticizes me when I break things off with her lol. "I can't believe you had me split a meal!" Heard this from two women I dated this year. So I haven't been able to really win. I need to do a better job next year regarding spending. I'm going to decline every wedding party I am invited to join, I'm going to stop eating out more than once per week tops, I'm going to cook all of the food I buy and not let it spoil due to laziness to cook after defrosting it, I'm going to cancel the gym membership I don't use (I have a free one in my apartment), and I'm going to find less expensive alternatives for activities with my friends. Some of my friends just want to bounce around different restaurants to talk so they can drink beer and coffee. I think I'm just gonna brew coffee and have them bring beer if they want a beer. Life doesn't need to be this expensive. My main gripe for costs is I want to own a house one day and at this rate I won't own one for another 5-10 years. I'd like to be ready in the next 3 years because the housing market is going to crash in the United States and I'd like to be able to take advantage and buy something at an affordable price. The market is very high right now and has remained this high for 1-2 years. It's going to drop at some point. (I'm not here to discuss politics or marketing. I'm not going to talk to you about it. These are just my thoughts through research.) The twist to this goal is that buying a house might be a bad idea unless I have a fiance or wife who wants to live in it with me. Living alone could add to the loneliness I've felt. I enjoy my current apartment so I'm fine for a few years here. I always have a 5 year plan in mind though.
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What you describe applies to me, too. About appearing to be much more sensitive than other people to external stimuli.
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@goodvibes Thank you for this. Very thoughtful response. Yeah, I'm here to hash out some personal demons too, I suppose. It will come out in my journal. It's a form of therapy for me. Processing all of my thoughts and emotions related to them is a lot of work, and it's not done over a short period of time. Yeah I came across some posts from people who are also casual gamers, or game moderately. You're right, this forum is a mixture of both. I think it would be cool to have a sub-section for people who aren't necessarily addicted to games, but who want to quit due to negative experiences with gaming. Or people that just want to keep their gaming in check. And I love this forum. I can't believe how many insightful people post here. It's beyond inspirational and uplifting to me. I know that people may also disagree with some things I write, perhaps, but that's a learning curve for me too. To not react badly if people don't necessarily agree. Thanks for the input, it is greatly appreciated! :)
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That's true, @Ikar. Work can be a great way to meet people too, or at least net-work through your coworkers. I had a few crushes only to discover that they were dating someone already lol. I wish there were more males where I work too. Unfortunately, there are more women where I work. But you never know, I could end up meeting a coworker's friend or family member, etc. I will keep the possibilities open. Oh I understand about your job setting. Yes, pros and cons. I'm assuming that you find social outlets somewhere else, like in hobbies, or sports, etc?
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Quit Gaming Day 6 no urge to login to my games Sleep went to bed at 10:30 pm last night, woke up once or twice at 1:30 a.m. and 3:30 a.m. reading a boring sewing technique manual helped lull me to sleep lol. I think I was asleep within fifteen minutes. woke up today at 6:45 a.m. approximately 7 hours of sleep, possibly less as sleep was interrupted Exercise yesterday I walked for an hour around race track in the early evening I tried going to the gym too after work, but was very noisy, loud music. I had to leave. Maybe next time I'll bring earplugs. Reading I seem to like reading books about information rather than novels Currently I am reading The Fleece and Fiber Sourcebook Concentration with reading is about 30 minutes, I hope to increase this Computer use 1 hour browsing GQ forums and responding to posts, lots or reflective thinking going on 1 hour watching documentary on Youtube Hobbies made some turkey soup yesterday 1 hour knitting 30 minutes reading Social Activities none yesterday, but all good. I enjoyed my resting time in solitude. Other Tasks 1 and 1/2 hours house cleaning; vacuumed, dusted, sorted out things to donate, gathered up plastic bottles to recycle, laundry, dishes Positive Thoughts I am grateful for free time to finish projects
