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Annie's diary


Annie
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6 minutes ago, Annie said:

the desire is back. though I know I'm not gonna relapse. 

Nice! I believe we are all getting stronger each day on different levels—timing makes the difference.

7 minutes ago, Annie said:

i wish i knew how the mind works, before going to sleep I'm so motivated and wanna conquer the world, but when i get up, feels like i have dropped from another planet.

Look at the bright side: you have a new planet to explore and conquer in one day! 😄

Good luck! 😂

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this is my 10th day. it has become way easier. and workout definitely is the key. generally physical activity helps with being strong when u wanna make decisions. 

i feel less lazy! when it comes to do what I have to do. can't say the wave of depression is gone (i think that's why i was playing, like the drunk guy in "the little prince"), but now i can ignor it. once i read somewhere that you should treat with depression like an unwanted guest. as u r ready to go out on a busy day, they show up at your front door. instead of inviting them them inside and wasting your day, tell them to join you and u can ignore them, after a while they get bored and just leave you. 

another accomplishment i almost made was about waking up early. a friend told me that if at night, you tell your self out loud that your are going to wake at xx o'clock , u will actually wake up. 

i was fully awake at 6 am but couldn't convince myself to start the day.life is boring during the day

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I can't physically bring myself to get out of bed most mornings due to some pretty bad problems with insomnia but what helps me is to have something motivational play as my alarm, like a trigger. It doesn't even have to be words; if I listen to the same song enough and associate it with the idea that it's time to get up and get shit done, it'll give me just enough juice to get up and take a shower. Once I take a shower I'm 100% awake.

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@ceponatia i have the motivational music but recently it's not working. my mind is adopted to turning it off and sleeping.

 

so surprisingly I'm getting things done again. and it's getting way easier and easier everytime i listen to that voice saying move ur ass. though sometimes there are hundred things i wanna do at the same time but i have to filter them and save energy. 

it's all about overcoming the fear. fear of starting and trying bc i might fail. i guess I'm still blaming myself subconsciously for my job situation. don't know if i should accept the fact that i did my best or i was actually a failure(I don't see it in a negative way, now I've learnt to do better next time) hopefully corona is covering me. i know everybody is going down these days and i can't find the answer anyway. 

i have to let the bygones be bygones. and just focus on the fear of becoming a fulltime nomad. which is actually exhilarating. 

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day12:

sometimes i wanna give in to the idea that the outside world does not exist or I'm the only sentiment here, or we r all living in someone else's dream. 

the sudden pulses of desire are coming back. like I'm doing fine, then suddenly i just wanna play game. 

i know i need replacement but nothing appeals to me. maybe i should stop caring if it is as interesting as games or not. i should just get involved and leave it behind. 

I'm getting adapted to my body(i know it sound like a former robot). i know when i need break. so doing workout every day is definitely a bad idea. should stick to the "2 day workout, 1 day rest "plan. 

John said I just generally have an addictive personality (a person who keeps getting addicted). if it's not games, it would be sth else. ok i admit I'm replacing addictions, so what? 

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As an alcoholic myself, I've definitely been told that I have an addictive personality. I don't believe in it, personally. Some people, like myself, simply formed extremely bad habits and routines around the time I was supposed to be learning how to live a normal, productive life. Getting out of that rut is the hardest thing I've ever done but also the most rewarding. It sounds like you have a lot of positive activities you're trying out. It's normal to crave games for quite some time because they're just what we do. It passes, though.

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@ceponatia u r totally right. just need to stop listening to him, like always. tagging ourselves is not a solution.  

we might have some things written on our DNA but fuck it. no one can read them for now. and it doesn't matter. 

i noticed a new important point in making my life better: don't tell yourself I'll start from tomorrow. every day, I'm like, i will wake up tomorrow morning at 6 and do this and that. 

but doing this and that can start from next minute, not next monday or next day or even next hour. the fact that i have wasted half a day, doesn't mean i have to waste another half. 

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Yes that's a tendency I've always had too. I've felt like "tomorrow" is a fresh start and I can start everything then because doing it now feels disorganized and chaotic or something. But tomorrow never comes in that regard.

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  • 5 months later...

I'm back again. After a very long time. 

Some new change happened in my life though. I'm in turkey. Started traveling. I was almost ok these last few months. Though i lost control since last month. A mixture of feeling home sick, choosing a shitty place to stay, being lost between different options of what to do with my life,.... Made it worse. 

I tried to keep my language learning habit. I was doing a good job learning Spanish but as soon as i realized i eventually have to learn German for my residency, i neglected both of them. Dealing with paradox of choice. I can't figure it out how people decide what to do with their life. It's probably a bad time to start your life anyway. When i think about chosing what tot do, it drives me nuts and i end up not progressing in any thing. I keep asking myself"Should i become an English teacher or a photographer or learn designing websites or just look for other jobs? "

I hate the fact that i know i have all these options. But I'm not good at any of them. 

Looking forward to be in Ethiopia next 2 weeks. Maybe there I'll find a life purpose or sth there? 

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