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Hello everyone. I have a question for all of you out there. What is the biggest issue you’re dealing with when it comes to meeting new people? I know that this might be a sensitive topic, so feel free to shoot a DM if you feel like this is a more private matter, thanks.

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It used to be just strictly approach anxiety for me.

I managed to mitigate a lot of it though. I'm going to events that happen every week and/or at the same place or making eye contact and saying "hi" to a person I saw a few times already. It helps to know that most of the conversations I'm going to have are not really gonna go anywhere, just because we won't have enough in common.

Nowadays it's conversation skills/being vulnerable. When people trust each other (1-on-1) or when they are not afraid to let everyone know (1-on-X), they can say something personal that makes them vulnerable - e.g. they are afraid of bees or they have to clean every day. I always try to notice that.

Edited by Ikar
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@Ikar

I used to have an issue of ethics and security. I would become too vulnerable for some reason- give private detail that the other person does not need to know. 

My family warned me about this- that you can look strange if you go off on a tangent like that.

Which is why I try to have an agenda in mind given what kind of a person I am dealing with. This helps in assuming the right attitude- if the person starts to say things which are inappropriate I have to get out of my comfort zone and stop them.

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18 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Which is why I try to have an agenda in mind given what kind of a person I am dealing with.

That's always a good idea. I actually already have routines when I go out and meet new people, trying to ask questions that I care about.

18 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

I used to have an issue of ethics and security. I would become too vulnerable for some reason- give private detail that the other person does not need to know. 

My family warned me about this- that you can look strange if you go off on a tangent like that.

Family and other people can tell you one thing, but whether you decide to adjustments afterwards is another thing. I've had great first conversations where the other person mentioned that they were a workaholic in the first 15 minutes and it made perfect sense in the context of the whole conversation and how it developed. I've also had weird first conversations where the other person mentioned that they were depressed in the first 15 minutes and it was all they could talk about.

Long story short, go out there and be yourself. You'll click with some people and those interactions will bring you to a whole different place in the future.

19 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

This helps in assuming the right attitude- if the person starts to say things which are inappropriate I have to get out of my comfort zone and stop them.

How do you define "inappropriate"?

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@Ikar 

My counterpart notices that I am slightly nervous and finds it funny. Previously I had some instances where people sensing my timidity would ask me:

“how much do you earn?”

”What’s your rent like?” 

The questions were completely out of place and this is what I understood: They were just gaming on the fact I am too insecure.

I think social insecurity developed from gaming and not communicating with people for a long time. I am not shy of people now, just very strict and uninterested because of previous negative experiences, but I certainly lack meaningful conversations and I need to apply myself more in this direction.

Thank you man.

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1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

My counterpart notices that I am slightly nervous and finds it funny. Previously I had some instances where people sensing my timidity would ask me:

“how much do you earn?”

”What’s your rent like?” 

The questions were completely out of place and this is what I understood: They were just gaming on the fact I am too insecure.

I think don't even get to meet these kinds of people, because most of my pursuits are intellectual (English, writing, reading psychology/philosophy, university). Asking primarily and directly about money-related topics from the get-go is a sign that the person asking is in survival mode, therefore unable to establish any higher aims.

2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

I think social insecurity developed from gaming and not communicating with people for a long time. I am not shy of people now, just very strict and uninterested because of previous negative experiences, but I certainly lack meaningful conversations and I need to apply myself more in this direction.

Thank you man.

I think the key is to try and find people on your "level". For example, if you like to read for hours a day, it makes more sense to go into a library to meet people rather than into a pub. There's bound to be people who understand you somewhere out there!

Happy to help 🙂

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Disclaimer: Gamers stay at home at young ages. Normal people learn to interact with someone else.
Since you did not learn how to do a normal conversations (not entertaining etc, but just being there with someone else, not making it weird) you need to put work into that skill now.
It's a damn easy basic skill which does not take weeks to develop.
And no, I do not mean to "talk to 1000 people a week" (also does work, but it's weird if done wrong, can get you faster where you want to be).
Just go out and sit somewhere. Look arround analyze people. Find a group/person who you think you would propably fit in and try to talk to them.

I think the problem is there is no general behaviour in conversations. Since conversations take place in different settings.
If you have issues, with something you want that issue to be recognized.
If someone does not care about it he either has
a. not offended you knowingly
c. ...
b. just does not fit

You would not talk bad about your boss in the office?
You would not go to a concert with your bluetooth speaker playing?
You get the point that I am taking? There are "society" rules.
If you meet someone random on the street, there is law. But no rule whatsoever what you can talk about.

13 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

ethics and security

Do not expect something from other people what you can not deliver yourselve.
One hard lesson I needed to learn myselve.
Are you ethical all your live? Can you expect the same from someone else?

Gamers tend to be more perfect and live by code (I do you a pleasure twice, you have to do me a pleasure exactly two times).
 

On 3/2/2020 at 9:05 PM, Ikar said:

something personal that makes them vulnerable - e.g. they are afraid of bees or they have to clean every day. I always try to notice that.

This is a really important lesson in live.

There is smalltalk and there are important informations about someone else. I only remember those important things about people I care about.

12 hours ago, Ikar said:

workaholic in the first 15 minutes

Exactly. You are given rules within games what to talk and what to say.
You grew up in a monarch system of Guild leaders where the only one cool is your Guildleader.
Life can not be put into rules. Hell there are books with thousands of pages making up rules and the Police force still has work to do.
Thats becouse... well people meet at random. Doing random stuff.

12 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

lack meaningful conversations

Whats a meaningfull conversation? Everything you talk has meaning, as long as the other participants continue giving you something back.
Just not to get an response as you expect it, does mean someone else should change for you.
Don't try to make people change for you. That will always have a bad ending.
Also, you do not know the intention of people talking to you like that.
Personally I do not care about anything, as long as I have the gut feeling I can trust people, and the DO NOT COST ME MONEY!
 

10 hours ago, Ikar said:

I think the key is to try and find people on your "level".

This is a good start. But it's always wise to try something new.
You grow bigger with mistakes.
If you do some of them and someone does not care... that could count as friendship.

My biggest issue is trust. Getting to know someone new and not knowing if he steals something from you the next hours until you get to know him more personally.
You could steal someones "time" or "values" or "lie to someone".
I still walk away from people if my gut tells me it will not work.
But this is not an issue for me, it is some sort of self defense.
As I grew older I learned to compeltely avoid those types of people.

If you have problems talking to people you do not know yourselve at the first place.
Bottom line, as long as you not get physically harmed, life is great.

I wanted to keep this short.

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@ Ikar , yes the contexts that you have mentioned provide an agenda for a discussion with well defined limits. Since it doesn’tinvolve you too personally, you are cool with it.

You know how clueless small boys can tell teachers at school about everything that is going on in their family? That’s the kind of slip-up that a gamer can accidentally make.

Since you have chosen to be a man, you have to be authoritarian, check yourself because this prevents anyone from being cute with you.

You are correct that most conversations will be safe in that regard, but there is an off chance you will meet a bully who ups his self worth by putting you down. “Survival mode?” He may be in survival mode.

@creationlist , your time can be wasted, but how can your values be stolen? Please explain. 

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10 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

your time can be wasted, but how can your values be stolen? Please explain.

Values as in Moneyvalue.

Edited by creationlist

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Age. People my age are married and have their own thing going on. Nobody just hangs out in large groups anymore. When I was younger there were always parties to go to where you'd meet a few new people to add to your circle, even if they were just occasional friends. Aside from coworkers and my relatives I don't know a single person.

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