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BgK

BgK under construction, one nail at a time

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Hi all,

I am going on this excited yet challenging 90 days journey. I am on my 15th day today without gaming! I start this post, part of the purpose is to write about the ups and downs of my journey, but what I want to pay more attention, is how do I face the struggles. 

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by things, like the thought of not playing games for 90 days, like the fact of needing to develope some new life styles and hobbies to fill the void. They are tough stuffs. When I am emotionally overwhelmed what I can only function is to escape. That’s a natural response, keep me safe but not helpful for moving forward, at all!

I want to write about my thoughts in those hard time. Looking at it with consciousness and face it head on, hopefully. I find it easier to work on those problems in this community, with journaling. Actually I already feel better typing these words. Any share of your success stories or stumbles would be most welcome.

Love and peace.

BgK

Edited by BgK
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Day 15

I got that alarm that rings every Tues reminding me of successful quitting for 7 more days. I just got that alarm yesterday. Exciting stuff!

However I wake up today at the wrong side of the bed. Big void in my heart...sigh. I want to play badminton really bad. It’s my one and best hobby to help me fight the loneliness and I love to play it. Until I got a shoulder injury two weeks ago from smashing a shuttle. Now I cannot play sports. Spending time and resisting the urge to play games at night becomes very very hard.

I was on acupuncture for the past two weeks and disappointingly it didn’t help much. I am going to get Physiotherapy as soon as the clinic opens after Christmas. I might even line up before dawn to get the first place.

Happy Christmas.

Things I am grateful for today: 1. friends gathering that’s going to take place this afternoon 

2. being able to go to the beach nearby after I finish this journal.

Update: pic of the peaceful seaside, taken on 25th7F2D14EF-441D-4702-91E3-3B4968D646AA.thumb.jpeg.9ffdfcb37ef7b05637b625dea9a95671.jpeg

Edited by BgK

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My observation on loneliness- it may be a sign for good: that you are transforming into a much better person.

remember when I played games, I felt a lot of power and achievement but at the end of it was a pitfall. Now i am feeling lonely and lost, but given I keep making the right choices, at the end of it is growth and success.

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Day 19

The urge is getting really hard to resist now. 

After I gave up gaming 19 days ago, I substituted gaming with watching YT. That doesn’t satisfy me. It doesn’t give me the same level of stimulation gaming gives to me. I am getting more and more unfulfilled:( and craving for stronger stimulation. The urge of watching explicit materials is getting very strong these days. Although I know even if I do watch them, and pmo, my satisfaction is just temporary. They also fk up my brain.

how do I fight this? It’s really getting the best of me.

Edited by BgK

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BgK,

interdict!

Hold on and apply the following, its not a lot but it will save your time and efforts

Start fasting. Eat in moderation, remove chocolates, cakes, pastries completely and stay away from bread. Stay on fruit/veg, some fish. 

Walk at least 6 kilometres today. Go into something where people always recognized you for being bright and successful (something healthy). Stay away from anything doubtful and suspicious (where chances of slipping are high)

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@Amphibian220

By staying away from pastry and bread, do you mean don’t eat carbohydrates or are there exceptions?

About the topic of fasting, could you explain it a bit more. How does it help when dealing with resisting the urge?

I am trying to pick up the long lost skill of running. It gets quite disappointing at the moment but I decide to stick with it for a month.

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To give you a quick answer: Bread satiates you real quick. By cutting down on it, you will feel a bit more hungry than usual (provided you dont over-eat).

Going all out on foods that you like undermines you in that since you cannot control eating, you cannot control other urges too.

fasting is an excellent teacher of temperance. If you can hold back from eating, you can learn to control and get rid of bad habits

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 Day 25

This is quite a good news, I made it more than 1/4 through the detox journey! I wish someone can celebrate with me with some good laughs and beers.

Regarding keeping going on this journey, the circumstances are not very helpful. My landlord was selling his house so I had to move. I came to this new place 4 days ago. I wish to make friends with other flat mates, real bad. I guess I also need to acknowledge the fact that not everybody wants to be friend. Painful to acknowledge. I am very sad. If I am determine to make friends regardless of what other flat mates think, this will put a big amount of pressure on me, which is fine, but at the same time have negative effects on making friends, b/c I then disregard their needs to be alone. Nobody likes to be disrespected.

To get to the fact, it is me feeling lonely, not other people. I should take responsibility of my own need and not force it on other people. I am wondering, how does one process this lonely emotion? I am not talking about doing something to pretend to be busy, that doesn’t solve the real problem. Pretend to be busy is not fulfilling in the long term, one still gets lonely at night then really start questioning oneself what’s all this busy life about. I wish to face this emotion giant head on, but I have no clue of how?

Progress:

I am cutting down sugar/chocolate at the moment for 4 days already. 

Things I am grateful for today:

My shoulder is recovering well! I can see myself back to my beloved badminton court in a few days! Nothing brightens me up more than that.

 

 

Edited by BgK
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Congrats on the milestone dude! This is a tough journey, but I can tell you as someone who's going to hit 30 this year, I wish I had done it at your age. Keep it up. The achievements games offer you are all false. I like to remind myself that even the hardest games are still designed to be beaten. Some challenges in life are much, much harder than that, or even impossible. But the rewards are far greater. Only in the real world will you build something meaningful.

Loneliness is a tough emotion to tackle. Are you very extroverted? Did you normally get all your socializing through games? If so, you'll need to make a new hobby where you can meet people and socialize as a part of that hobby. 

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@ElectroNugget Thanks man for the encouragements! They really matter.

I am actually introverted. I started my small business after high school, for 5 years now. I don’t have employee, so the trader-customer relationship is my only socialising. You bet that relationship won’t go too deep. From your advice, I think I can socialise with other traders in my trade. Also I play good badminton, I can socialise with other badminton enthusiasts.

I will keep posting updates!

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Day 27

Feeling motivated today.

It’s 1/4 through my 90 days journey, the result I get so far is obvious.

I notice a big change in my mood. I feel a sense of confidence. This is different. I used to game really competitively, I once got a rank that’s higher than 99.3% of all the players in my country. People will think I have all the reasons to be confident, but that’s not what happened. I was in a fake sense of confidence, I only realise that when I have a taste of confidence in real life now. Fascinating.

My Goal:

Improve my running to 5.5mins/km. Now I am doing 7mins/km. Long term goal is 4 mins.

Initial conversations with good old friends that I haven’t talked to in ages.

Do more social activities. 

Things I am grateful today:

Friend who reaches out to me constantly despite me struggling to open up.

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Day 43

I ended up falling asleep around 4 am last night. I went to bed at 10:30, lights out and the phone was away. At 12:00 I was still rolling and awoke. Picked up the phone, tried not to let the screen light distracts my system I ran a podcast and just listened. Still didn’t fall asleep, until 4 this morning.

This forum is not about how to get good sleep, but I don’t expect any advices if no one knows about this topic. At the end, when one is tired he is prone to relapse. Good energy level is important in fight the urge to game.

Still going strong into the 43 day. I have been able to do a lot of new things since I stopped gaming. The best of them all will be reflecting more on myself. It brings a lot of awareness of myself! Silly to see that I was so unaware of myself even in some area that are now considered obvious. My body has been given me sights and indications non stop about those things that I was not at peace with my body, but I just ignored the indications and signals in the past. Things like feeling very anxious was treated with more exciting games and stronger stimulations in the past. Anyone has the experience with anxiety will know if you don’t acknowledge it by any chance, it will not go away by any chance. 

Goal:

Going for the run. 6 mins per km is the short term goal. Now I am down to 7 mins from 10 several weeks ago:D

have some good sleeps

Things I am grateful today:

have the luxury to organise my work flexibly. Very grateful in the down days like today.

Edited by BgK

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On 1/4/2020 at 12:24 AM, BgK said:

 

 I guess I also need to acknowledge the fact that not everybody wants to be friend. Painful to acknowledge. I am very sad. If I am determine to make friends regardless of what other flat mates think, this will put a big amount of pressure on me, which is fine, but at the same time have negative effects on making friends, b/c I then disregard their needs to be alone. Nobody likes to be disrespected.

 

 

 

BgK,

Loneliness is an oasis where you can truly discover your life purpose because there is no background noise and interference.

If you are missing belonging to a group, what kind of feeling is it? Do you want to bond with other men over a great purpose?

I am currently reading a book that talks about these issues in great detail. It focuses on men that form around women and lack enough contact with males to develop personal power and masculinity.

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On 1/28/2020 at 4:31 PM, Amphibian220 said:

It focuses on men that form around women and lack enough contact with males to develop personal power and masculinity.

What do you mean?

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“No more mr nice guy” by Glover

Exactly that: the change in social dynamics started creating too many feminine men. The boy lacked contact with his Dad, or kept hearing from his mother how bad he is. As a result this boy’s world view becomes very fallacious. He is embarassed of his masculinity, wants to please women (first mother, then wife etc). But working to gain approval of women will kill yor male personality and self worth, strip you of personal power and make you one of the most disgusting unattractive beings. 

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You mean Mr Glover? That is like 1 to 1 summary of his book I have given you. He actually uses terms like that.

He is strange though. He encourages the reader not to be dishonest and then says this in his book: “ I dont disagree with erotic imagery on moral grounds but am against it for the following reasons...”

Its like he is afraid to say it straight that the thing is bad? Then he gives examples of guys who are gay and treats their condition as okay when the whole purpose of the book is for men to reclaim their masculinity.

The book feels politicized in certain parts.

Edited by Amphibian220

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Day 57

Not the best day of my journey. The me inside myself is wanting a say about playing games. It’s basically the only voice in my mind right now. Giving in is not a sensible thing to do. Ignoring it also results in the voice shouting louder.

My life is not monotonous. I have my business to look after. I have a role in the band. I have shoulder rehab program to do. I have my running performance to be improved. Doesn’t seem like a combination that will need gaming to fill the void.

how to minimise the danger of relapse in this situation. Any suggestions guys?

Things I am grateful today:

Situations like this only happens once in 57 days

Edited by BgK

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BgK,

Are you afraid of someone or certain issues, but you are in denial about this? Gaming can be an escape from an underlying problem which you are refusing to solve.

Why am I saying this? Yesterday my sister called me to tell she had been ripped off by a beauty salon and since I am a solicitor, she asked if I could speak to them. I started doing what I had done before- sabotaging myself. I was afraid to call them and told her just to write them a letter. Then sensing my feelings, I u-turned, dialed the manager and described the grievances of my sister. I felt a lot better. 

Although I have this late energy of regrets. I didnt speak out at school, didn’t speak out at university and didn’t even speak out at work when I had important things to say. 

Edited by Amphibian220
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You have a point, gaming can be an escape from problems. Although most people don’t want to escape from problems, I believe. Everybody wants to be competent. Everybody wants to live a life free from all the emotional burdens. 

I read in a book written by a master of communication, that the problem is not hard, it’s the emotions that come with the problem make the things hard. The best way he recommends of dealing with a problem is to allow the emotions to run it’s course. 

I am still trying to work out how this works.

 

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Day 68

The last several days have been a seesaw battle against the urge to game. At the time when there was nothing to do to fill the void (this situation does happen)  I fought the urge with sheer will. I wonder is using sheer a possible way to do this 90 days challenge? 

I won all the battles, but often ended up at places like YouTube, reddit, occasionally at other websites which you know what they are.

Cam’s theory about different types of gamer is a thought provoking theory. I am the escaping type, gaming is like a safe place to breathe when things are too tough. In theory, it will be most helpful to learn more strategies to cope with stress. I also found this Lonerwolf website very helpful. It talks about how to reconcile with one’s self through shadow work. I am quite looking forward to devote my time every morning for a period of self reflection, aiming to reconcile the black and white within me, hence becoming a more authentic person. Starting from tomorrow!

Things I am grateful for today:

Found this Lonerwolf website

People prayed for me and I knew they cared

Having my job that’s flexible and I can take time off to work on the weak aspects in my life

 

 

 

Edited by BgK

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