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Vidar

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Day #1

 

Gratitude journal

A family member allowed me to teach him about tableau. I’m grateful because he let me help him with unemployment.

My best friend called and was in despair. I calmed her down and helped her sort her thoughts. I’m grateful for having such a wonderful friend.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Painted clouds on my new iPad.

 

Workout/run

Walked to the library

 

Meditation

A nice breakfast with fruits and bacon

 

Visualisation

 

Daily affirmation

I am social and people appreciate my company.

 

Reading + taking notes

I did a bit of Udemy courses and took notes at the same time.

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

I’m in med now with my iPad.

 

Weekly Goal(s)

not touch my gaming computer

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

I got out of my home and I was social

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

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Answering these questions made me cry hysterically. 

Im a 35 yo male who has been gaming since 15. I have many talents but basically Wasted them all because of not being able to cope with my problems and life. My go to solution has always been gaming. 

As a teenager I decided I don’t want to live and fast forwarded my life with the help of gaming.

I flunked out of university and moved back in with my parents in my twenties. I wasted almost 5 years in isolation there while my friends got kids and careers. Finally, thanks to family, friends and mental health support I slowly crawled out of the whole. 

I moved to another country to kickstart my career which went really well. However I never dealt with the gaming habit and continued to mess things up, which led to me being overlooked for promotion to a managerial position. 

Now I have been doing weekly therapy sessions for about a year and a half. I have kept gaming but lately something has happened. Before therapy I was chronically depressed. During therapy I got really really angry at women, my parents and society (incel style). Now I don’t feel angry anymore, or depressed. 

Currently Im exploring new hobbies. I’ve never had hobbies apart from gaming so I’m completely lost. 

I want to live. 

 

Edited by Vidar
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Day #2

 

Gratitude journal

I am grateful for the professional psychologist that helped me find a specific specialist.

i am grateful to my great colleagues who are nice and supportive.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

A long legal and financial event in my life came to a close.

 

Workout/run

Woke up at 4 30 and went out running.

 

Meditation

In the subway, I did not hold on to anything. I was balancing on my own without support.

 

Visualisation

I drew a portrait of a woman which I saw in the weekend. It was the closest I have been to a woman in 10 years.

 

Daily affirmation

I am taking up space and that is ok.

i am exploring hobbies because I want it

 

Reading + taking notes

Nothing

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

No, I fell asleep when I came home from work

 

Weekly Goal(s)

not touch my gaming computer

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

I finished a task at work that was overdue

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

I should have brought a snack

my sweater is damaged.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

i will bring a snack

 

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Day #3

 

Gratitude journal

I am grateful for my two wonderful sisters who I love so much.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I went to see a dentist about getting invisaligns. I have decided to proceed.

 

Workout/run

I walked about 40min to the dentist back and forth.

 

Meditation

A great soundtrack by four text called Two Thousand and seventeen.

 

Visualisation

In 1.5 years I will have a magic smile.

 

Daily affirmation

I am worthy to spend money on.

 

Reading + taking notes

None

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Yes but not in a good way, Can’t sleep.

 

Weekly Goal(s)

not touch my gaming computer

prepare for trip to my parents.

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

plan Christmas with friends.

 

What went well today:

I Decided to go forth with dental beauty program

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

be on time, I missed one appointment.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

be on time, focus on work and not teeth...

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Day #4

 

Gratitude journal

I am grateful to my manager who offered me a promotion to become a manager.

i am grateful to my therapist for her wisdom and council and for leading me down a very positive path.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I was offered a promotion.

 

Workout/run

Nothing

 

Meditation

Listened to a track with calming music

 

Visualisation

Me being a manager 

 

Daily affirmation

I am trusted with employees

 

 

Reading + taking notes

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Yes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

not touch my gaming computer

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

I got out of my home and I was social

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Gone to sleep earlier

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

go to sleep on time

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Day #16

 

Gratitude journal

This weekend I had sex for the first time in ten years. It felt like the first time. Massive erection problems and nervousness. I had a great time though, and I think she enjoyed my company too. I am grateful for women who give men like me a chance, even though they get so very little out of it. 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I had a very personal and nice conversation over lunch about my love life. People usually have a really difficult time believing me. 

 

Workout/run

Went for a run in the morning. I think bulking up will give me more stamina in the sack. 

 

Meditation

I did singing/breathing exercises in the morning and throughout the day. I went to my first singing lesson yesterday. 

 

Visualisation

Living with someone nice and having great sex

 

Daily affirmation

I have the potential to be a great lover if I excercise and work on my erection

 

 

Reading + taking notes

I bought some books

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Yes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Buy a swimming card

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Eaten more food

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Sing a bit in the morning to unlock my belly region

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1 hour ago, Vidar said:

Day #16

 

Gratitude journal

This weekend I had sex for the first time in ten years. It felt like the first time. Massive erection problems and nervousness. I had a great time though, and I think she enjoyed my company too. I am grateful for women who give men like me a chance, even though they get so very little out of it. 

 

Dude! We need details. This is great. I haven't had sex in 9 years and I'm so nervous. It is actually giving me anxiety with talking to women. I am good looking and when things move forward I actually ruin situations to avoid sex because I don't think I could perform. It's such a source of depression for me.

How were you able to overcome the problems? Was she kind and understanding? Did she know you hadn't had sex in 10 years or did you not say anything?

I'm happy you got over this hurdle and wish you luck.

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On 12/3/2019 at 9:50 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Dude! We need details. This is great. I haven't had sex in 9 years and I'm so nervous. It is actually giving me anxiety with talking to women. I am good looking and when things move forward I actually ruin situations to avoid sex because I don't think I could perform. It's such a source of depression for me.

How were you able to overcome the problems? Was she kind and understanding? Did she know you hadn't had sex in 10 years or did you not say anything?

I'm happy you got over this hurdle and wish you luck.

Good question! 

I paid for tinder and moved to a bigger city. Then I found a woman who was into booty calls. First time she asked me to meet up I declined. Later on I liked a picture of hers, and she asked me out again. I joined her at a club far out in some industrial area. I was crazy scared. We talked until the club closed and then I said goodbye. No sex, I did not know the playbook. 

Later I started chatting with her again and I asked about her intentions. She wanted to get laid and so did I. Then began a very liberating and honest discussion about sex, one night stands and so on. Basically I learned what her perfect one night stand looked like.  

Then we went out on a date, which ended at my place. I had prepared everything to my best skills. Of course I had not prepared myself with viagra which you can usually get from doctors if you are “new”. It’s strongly recommended. I had erection problems so the sex was really bad. I tried to please her with my fingers which she appreciated.

She stayed the night and seemed happy when she left. I could not satisfy her sexually but we snuggled and she was able to relax and slept whole Sunday. 

Later on I had a bit of nervous breakdown and asked if she wanted to join me to visit my parents over Christmas. She said no... (who could have guessed).

She has her share of issues and when I analyzed this with my therapist we realized she has some narcissistic traits and if I would have pursued her it would have ended very badly. Her ex boyfriend sleeps on a mattress on the floor. He also called her to get some keys in the middle of the night. 

No thanks, I deserve better than that!

 

Watch out, there are many female narcissists and abusers out there. They can be very charming and you are not the only one in their spider web.

In female dating lingo I’m a bit of a “pickme” which means I’m happy with whatever I get. I need to stop that bs. I’m a great guy!

 

Edit:

Ok this was the incel in me reacting. I should not describe her as a narcissist. It’s for sure easier to write off someone as crazy or not worthy, than face the fact that I was once again rejected as a partner. Because this was what actually happened. I was not good enough in the sack, and we were otherwise not really compatible either. I hope she finds a way to sort her issues and traumas out.

 

Edited by Vidar
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Long term preparations

* Pelvic exercises to improve erection

* pushups, plank. Let’s say you fuck during 5 minutes. That’s 5 minutes of Continuous pushups. Can you do that?

* start running Or walking to improve cardio

 

Preparation list

* well fitting condoms. Don’t just get some off the shelf. Try out multiple sizes, as the girth needs a good fit. I thought I was smaller than average which resulted in condoms hurting a lot. If you have poorly fitting condoms it will cut off blood flow and reduce erection. The girth is on the package.

* Hair control. Some women are hyper sensitive about hair. Clean your bathroom very very very well. Women judge you by bathroom cleanliness. Go over all surfaces, corners and inside cabinets. Polish the tiles and in between the tiles. There cannot be a single piece of hair. 

* trim yourself in your lower regions. Be careful though so that the Crown Jewels are intact. Do this a few days before since you can get small wounds that itch and irritate.

* cut your nails and brush your teeth. Floss a few days before the date night if you don’t normally do it. 

* the bathroom should contain face wipes, baby wipes, cotton cleaning pads, makeup removal, a large clean towel washed with softener and a smaller one. Body wash for sensitive skin. Any skin cream. Basically a small hotel kit. There should also be a small trash can with a lid on it.

* Buy some “conversational wine” (wine that you can drink without eating food), glasses, some nice beer, cheese, chocolate, and dry snacks. If you are not used to opening wine bottles, buy some cheap bottles and practice with the corkscrew. This way you can invite her to your place for a glass of wine. Don’t take out everything, just ask her what she wants... and you probably have it.

* the bed area is also sensitive. Satin sheets are nice. Get two sets of blankets and two pillows. After the event, successful or not, she might want to cuddle or be left alone. If she wants to be left alone you can sleep with separate blankets. You are a stranger after all.

* get some Bluetooth speaker. This enables guests to set the mood music. If she is experienced she might have a sex soundtrack... also if one of you are going to the bathroom, you can put some music on to distract from the other noises.

* clean the kitchen, floors etc. goes without saying.

* get some mood lighting.

* prepare some cultured topics, artifacts or activities. Some examples: drawings, books, music collection, travel plans, art books, cookbooks, movies... just something nice to talk about that is not knife collections, computer games, work content... etc. most of us have one hobby or interest that is universally seen as cultured. 

* smell control. Take out trash, get some smelling candles, and buy those smell improvers for the toilet. Get a nicer deodorant. Ask the sales person for advice. Different age groups should use different smells. Deodorants are easier than cologne and perfume since its easy to overdo the latter.

* iron your shirts! Clean under ware. Extra underwares ready. 

* breakfast. People have different habits. Coffee, tea. Milk, bread, cereals, yoghurt, fruits, butter... a little bit of everything, so that you can get close enough. You don’t have to cook a massive breakfast for her but it’s nice to have some choices. 

 

Preparing yourself for real world sex

* watch amateur porn and try to jerk off to different body types.

* masturbate with your whole body. Guys normally focus on the dick but good sex is full body contact and it’s a completely different experience. Thus, before jerking off, give yourself a full body massage with oil or similar. 

* loosen the grip on your penis. A common problem during sex is that guys are so used to the so called death grip. Real sex is more like almost not touching your penis. This difference can cause erectile dysfunction and difficulties coming. 

* practice controlling ejaculation. When I was in my 20s I could get it up again almost immediately. Now I have to wait for an hour or so. When men orgasm we get a rush of oxycotycin and other hormones, which switches off the erection. By not coming you can prevent this and shorten recovery time. 

* Masturbate in different positions. Having sex means standing up, on your knees, tilted forward etc. if you have been lying on your back the new positions will feel weird and you will loose erection. 

 

If you get lucky

* ask her how she wants you to touch her. Don’t worry about understanding what she says. The important thing is that you show her that you care. It will make it easier for her to say no and to adjust your doings. 

* learn approximately where the clitoris is. Ask before trying to stroke the clit, for some women direct strokes can hurt a lot. Stroke around the clit. Watch porn to learn different ways of stroking her. 

 

 

Edited by Vidar

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7 hours ago, Vidar said:

Good question! 

I paid for tinder and moved to a bigger city. Then I found a woman who was into booty calls. First time she asked me to meet up I declined. Later on I liked a picture of hers, and she asked me out again. I joined her at a club far out in some industrial area. I was crazy scared. We talked until the club closed and then I said goodbye. No sex, I did not know the playbook. 

Later I started chatting with her again and I asked about her intentions. She wanted to get laid and so did I. Then began a very liberating and honest discussion about sex, one night stands and so on. Basically I learned what her perfect one night stand looked like.  

Then we went out on a date, which ended at my place. I had prepared everything to my best skills. Of course I had not prepared myself with viagra which you can usually get from doctors if you are “new”. It’s strongly recommended. I had erection problems so the sex was really bad. I tried to please her with my fingers which she appreciated.

She stayed the night and seemed happy when she left. I could not satisfy her sexually but we snuggled and she was able to relax and slept whole Sunday. 

Later on I had a bit of nervous breakdown and asked if she wanted to join me to visit my parents over Christmas. She said no... (who could have guessed).

She has her share of issues and when I analyzed this with my therapist we realized she has some narcissistic traits and if I would have pursued her it would have ended very badly. Her ex boyfriend sleeps on a mattress on the floor. He also called her to get some keys in the middle of the night. 

No thanks, I deserve better than that!

 

Watch out, there are many female narcissists and abusers out there. They can be very charming and you are not the only one in their spider web.

In female dating lingo I’m a bit of a “pickme” which means I’m happy with whatever I get. I need to stop that bs. I’m a great guy!

Thanks for sharing. This is a great story. You're right. There are lots of female narcissists out there. I feel many people just associate that word with men. I've only ever had 3 relationships and was severely abused and manipulated in all 3. Now I'm so aware of women trying to play games or manipulate me that I catch it immediately and then abandon them before they know what happened. That combined with childhood abuse has lead me to become almost an expert at understanding who people are and what their intentions are just by their eyes, mannerisms, and voice. 

Unfortunately, it has lead me to find something wrong with everyone I meet and associate them with the women who hurt me in the past. So I just ignore them and move on. Eventually, I'll figure it out, but for now I'll see what happens. 

Do you feel a lot of pressure is off of you now that you've had sex or do you still deal with issues like wanting to have sex every day? I worry I'd start looking for sex instead of porn to solve my issues with stress and stuff lol.

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks for sharing. This is a great story. You're right. There are lots of female narcissists out there. I feel many people just associate that word with men. I've only ever had 3 relationships and was severely abused and manipulated in all 3. Now I'm so aware of women trying to play games or manipulate me that I catch it immediately and then abandon them before they know what happened. That combined with childhood abuse has lead me to become almost an expert at understanding who people are and what their intentions are just by their eyes, mannerisms, and voice. 

Unfortunately, it has lead me to find something wrong with everyone I meet and associate them with the women who hurt me in the past. So I just ignore them and move on. Eventually, I'll figure it out, but for now I'll see what happens. 

Do you feel a lot of pressure is off of you now that you've had sex or do you still deal with issues like wanting to have sex every day? I worry I'd start looking for sex instead of porn to solve my issues with stress and stuff lol.

Thanks BooksAndTrees, 

i feel you... I’ve been through similar things. You did not deserve that and it was not your fault. 

The challenge people like us have is that we attract narcissists and we also are attracted to them. More healthier women, who don’t emit sexual energy or invoke desire gets passed on. I’m trying to change my ways but it’s so difficult. 

I think I should pursue someone who I’m not that attracted too and see what happens. My biggest worry is that I won’t get it up, but with some pills I can ignore that fear. 

How do you date? Through apps?

edit: its easier now, yes. I do feel what psychologists call ambiguous sorrow for the sex I have not had during my youth. I also fear this was a temporary fluke and I will go through another 10 year drought. But then I’m not gaming anymore, I meet real world people which infinitely increases my chances.

Edited by Vidar
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3 hours ago, Vidar said:

Thanks BooksAndTrees, 

i feel you... I’ve been through similar things. You did not deserve that and it was not your fault. 

The challenge people like us have is that we attract narcissists and we also are attracted to them. More healthier women, who don’t emit sexual energy or invoke desire gets passed on. I’m trying to change my ways but it’s so difficult. 

I think I should pursue someone who I’m not that attracted too and see what happens. My biggest worry is that I won’t get it up, but with some pills I can ignore that fear. 

How do you date? Through apps?

edit: its easier now, yes. I do feel what psychologists call ambiguous sorrow for the sex I have not had during my youth. I also fear this was a temporary fluke and I will go through another 10 year drought. But then I’m not gaming anymore, I meet real world people which infinitely increases my chances.

I meet women through apps and situations in real life. I always find I'm attracted to women who give me lots of attention, but most of those women are only talking at me about their lives. They're not actually concerned with my life or who I am. 

I agree with you. I'd be careful about dating someone you're not attracted to because I think there are beautiful women who are genuine. We just have to make sure loneliness is not causing us to put any women on a pedestal and sacrificing our lives for their benefit.

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Day #18

 

Gratitude journal

I reached out to a woman I went on some dates with earlier in the autumn. I asked if she wanted to meet and experiment with intimacy. She has very healthy boundaries and she said no. I told her she is great and whisked her good luck. I’m grateful for all the healthy women, their kindness and politeness.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I found an apartment which I want to buy. I reached out and pushed for information on the apartements. Normally I’m quite passive, so the fact I was pursuing was a positive change.

 

Workout/run

Nothing, been at home and depressed. 

Edit: went out on an evening run. Cried while running, mourning the life and experiences I’ve missed out on while isolating myself. Stood next to the ocean and let it in.

 

What I ate

Drank sugary drinks, ate lots of citrus fruits. Became weak and unable to stay awake. 

 

what I will eat tomorrow

porridge for breakfast, home made humus, dates, tomatoes and pita for lunch

 

Arts

made some paintings

 

Singing

None

 

social activities

Called several friends to heal and connect

Shared some drawings on Instagram

 

Meditation

No

 

Visualisation

living in an apartment that I own

 

Daily affirmation

i am becoming more healthy in my relationship with sex. 

 

 

Reading + taking notes

i sort of read two pages in the morning

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Not time for that yet

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Buy a swimming card

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci scheduled)

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

i felt my painful emotions and cried

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Leave my apartment

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Sing a bit in the morning to unlock my belly region

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