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Vidar

Vidar’s journal

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Day #1

 

Gratitude journal

A family member allowed me to teach him about tableau. I’m grateful because he let me help him with unemployment.

My best friend called and was in despair. I calmed her down and helped her sort her thoughts. I’m grateful for having such a wonderful friend.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

Painted clouds on my new iPad.

 

Workout/run

Walked to the library

 

Meditation

A nice breakfast with fruits and bacon

 

Visualisation

 

Daily affirmation

I am social and people appreciate my company.

 

Reading + taking notes

I did a bit of Udemy courses and took notes at the same time.

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

I’m in med now with my iPad.

 

Weekly Goal(s)

not touch my gaming computer

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

I got out of my home and I was social

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

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Answering these questions made me cry hysterically. 

Im a 35 yo male who has been gaming since 15. I have many talents but basically Wasted them all because of not being able to cope with my problems and life. My go to solution has always been gaming. 

As a teenager I decided I don’t want to live and fast forwarded my life with the help of gaming.

I flunked out of university and moved back in with my parents in my twenties. I wasted almost 5 years in isolation there while my friends got kids and careers. Finally, thanks to family, friends and mental health support I slowly crawled out of the whole. 

I moved to another country to kickstart my career which went really well. However I never dealt with the gaming habit and continued to mess things up, which led to me being overlooked for promotion to a managerial position. 

Now I have been doing weekly therapy sessions for about a year and a half. I have kept gaming but lately something has happened. Before therapy I was chronically depressed. During therapy I got really really angry at women, my parents and society (incel style). Now I don’t feel angry anymore, or depressed. 

Currently Im exploring new hobbies. I’ve never had hobbies apart from gaming so I’m completely lost. 

I want to live. 

 

Edited by Vidar
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Day #2

 

Gratitude journal

I am grateful for the professional psychologist that helped me find a specific specialist.

i am grateful to my great colleagues who are nice and supportive.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

A long legal and financial event in my life came to a close.

 

Workout/run

Woke up at 4 30 and went out running.

 

Meditation

In the subway, I did not hold on to anything. I was balancing on my own without support.

 

Visualisation

I drew a portrait of a woman which I saw in the weekend. It was the closest I have been to a woman in 10 years.

 

Daily affirmation

I am taking up space and that is ok.

i am exploring hobbies because I want it

 

Reading + taking notes

Nothing

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

No, I fell asleep when I came home from work

 

Weekly Goal(s)

not touch my gaming computer

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

I finished a task at work that was overdue

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

I should have brought a snack

my sweater is damaged.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

i will bring a snack

 

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Day #3

 

Gratitude journal

I am grateful for my two wonderful sisters who I love so much.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I went to see a dentist about getting invisaligns. I have decided to proceed.

 

Workout/run

I walked about 40min to the dentist back and forth.

 

Meditation

A great soundtrack by four text called Two Thousand and seventeen.

 

Visualisation

In 1.5 years I will have a magic smile.

 

Daily affirmation

I am worthy to spend money on.

 

Reading + taking notes

None

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Yes but not in a good way, Can’t sleep.

 

Weekly Goal(s)

not touch my gaming computer

prepare for trip to my parents.

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

plan Christmas with friends.

 

What went well today:

I Decided to go forth with dental beauty program

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

be on time, I missed one appointment.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

be on time, focus on work and not teeth...

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Day #4

 

Gratitude journal

I am grateful to my manager who offered me a promotion to become a manager.

i am grateful to my therapist for her wisdom and council and for leading me down a very positive path.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I was offered a promotion.

 

Workout/run

Nothing

 

Meditation

Listened to a track with calming music

 

Visualisation

Me being a manager 

 

Daily affirmation

I am trusted with employees

 

 

Reading + taking notes

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Yes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

not touch my gaming computer

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

I got out of my home and I was social

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Gone to sleep earlier

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

go to sleep on time

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Day #16

 

Gratitude journal

This weekend I had sex for the first time in ten years. It felt like the first time. Massive erection problems and nervousness. I had a great time though, and I think she enjoyed my company too. I am grateful for women who give men like me a chance, even though they get so very little out of it. 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I had a very personal and nice conversation over lunch about my love life. People usually have a really difficult time believing me. 

 

Workout/run

Went for a run in the morning. I think bulking up will give me more stamina in the sack. 

 

Meditation

I did singing/breathing exercises in the morning and throughout the day. I went to my first singing lesson yesterday. 

 

Visualisation

Living with someone nice and having great sex

 

Daily affirmation

I have the potential to be a great lover if I excercise and work on my erection

 

 

Reading + taking notes

I bought some books

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Yes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Buy a swimming card

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Eaten more food

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Sing a bit in the morning to unlock my belly region

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1 hour ago, Vidar said:

Day #16

 

Gratitude journal

This weekend I had sex for the first time in ten years. It felt like the first time. Massive erection problems and nervousness. I had a great time though, and I think she enjoyed my company too. I am grateful for women who give men like me a chance, even though they get so very little out of it. 

 

Dude! We need details. This is great. I haven't had sex in 9 years and I'm so nervous. It is actually giving me anxiety with talking to women. I am good looking and when things move forward I actually ruin situations to avoid sex because I don't think I could perform. It's such a source of depression for me.

How were you able to overcome the problems? Was she kind and understanding? Did she know you hadn't had sex in 10 years or did you not say anything?

I'm happy you got over this hurdle and wish you luck.

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On 12/3/2019 at 9:50 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Dude! We need details. This is great. I haven't had sex in 9 years and I'm so nervous. It is actually giving me anxiety with talking to women. I am good looking and when things move forward I actually ruin situations to avoid sex because I don't think I could perform. It's such a source of depression for me.

How were you able to overcome the problems? Was she kind and understanding? Did she know you hadn't had sex in 10 years or did you not say anything?

I'm happy you got over this hurdle and wish you luck.

Good question! 

I paid for tinder and moved to a bigger city. Then I found a woman who was into booty calls. First time she asked me to meet up I declined. Later on I liked a picture of hers, and she asked me out again. I joined her at a club far out in some industrial area. I was crazy scared. We talked until the club closed and then I said goodbye. No sex, I did not know the playbook. 

Later I started chatting with her again and I asked about her intentions. She wanted to get laid and so did I. Then began a very liberating and honest discussion about sex, one night stands and so on. Basically I learned what her perfect one night stand looked like.  

Then we went out on a date, which ended at my place. I had prepared everything to my best skills. Of course I had not prepared myself with viagra which you can usually get from doctors if you are “new”. It’s strongly recommended. I had erection problems so the sex was really bad. I tried to please her with my fingers which she appreciated.

She stayed the night and seemed happy when she left. I could not satisfy her sexually but we snuggled and she was able to relax and slept whole Sunday. 

Later on I had a bit of nervous breakdown and asked if she wanted to join me to visit my parents over Christmas. She said no... (who could have guessed).

She has her share of issues and when I analyzed this with my therapist we realized she has some narcissistic traits and if I would have pursued her it would have ended very badly. Her ex boyfriend sleeps on a mattress on the floor. He also called her to get some keys in the middle of the night. 

No thanks, I deserve better than that!

 

Watch out, there are many female narcissists and abusers out there. They can be very charming and you are not the only one in their spider web.

In female dating lingo I’m a bit of a “pickme” which means I’m happy with whatever I get. I need to stop that bs. I’m a great guy!

 

Edit:

Ok this was the incel in me reacting. I should not describe her as a narcissist. It’s for sure easier to write off someone as crazy or not worthy, than face the fact that I was once again rejected as a partner. Because this was what actually happened. I was not good enough in the sack, and we were otherwise not really compatible either. I hope she finds a way to sort her issues and traumas out.

 

Edited by Vidar
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7 hours ago, Vidar said:

Good question! 

I paid for tinder and moved to a bigger city. Then I found a woman who was into booty calls. First time she asked me to meet up I declined. Later on I liked a picture of hers, and she asked me out again. I joined her at a club far out in some industrial area. I was crazy scared. We talked until the club closed and then I said goodbye. No sex, I did not know the playbook. 

Later I started chatting with her again and I asked about her intentions. She wanted to get laid and so did I. Then began a very liberating and honest discussion about sex, one night stands and so on. Basically I learned what her perfect one night stand looked like.  

Then we went out on a date, which ended at my place. I had prepared everything to my best skills. Of course I had not prepared myself with viagra which you can usually get from doctors if you are “new”. It’s strongly recommended. I had erection problems so the sex was really bad. I tried to please her with my fingers which she appreciated.

She stayed the night and seemed happy when she left. I could not satisfy her sexually but we snuggled and she was able to relax and slept whole Sunday. 

Later on I had a bit of nervous breakdown and asked if she wanted to join me to visit my parents over Christmas. She said no... (who could have guessed).

She has her share of issues and when I analyzed this with my therapist we realized she has some narcissistic traits and if I would have pursued her it would have ended very badly. Her ex boyfriend sleeps on a mattress on the floor. He also called her to get some keys in the middle of the night. 

No thanks, I deserve better than that!

 

Watch out, there are many female narcissists and abusers out there. They can be very charming and you are not the only one in their spider web.

In female dating lingo I’m a bit of a “pickme” which means I’m happy with whatever I get. I need to stop that bs. I’m a great guy!

Thanks for sharing. This is a great story. You're right. There are lots of female narcissists out there. I feel many people just associate that word with men. I've only ever had 3 relationships and was severely abused and manipulated in all 3. Now I'm so aware of women trying to play games or manipulate me that I catch it immediately and then abandon them before they know what happened. That combined with childhood abuse has lead me to become almost an expert at understanding who people are and what their intentions are just by their eyes, mannerisms, and voice. 

Unfortunately, it has lead me to find something wrong with everyone I meet and associate them with the women who hurt me in the past. So I just ignore them and move on. Eventually, I'll figure it out, but for now I'll see what happens. 

Do you feel a lot of pressure is off of you now that you've had sex or do you still deal with issues like wanting to have sex every day? I worry I'd start looking for sex instead of porn to solve my issues with stress and stuff lol.

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks for sharing. This is a great story. You're right. There are lots of female narcissists out there. I feel many people just associate that word with men. I've only ever had 3 relationships and was severely abused and manipulated in all 3. Now I'm so aware of women trying to play games or manipulate me that I catch it immediately and then abandon them before they know what happened. That combined with childhood abuse has lead me to become almost an expert at understanding who people are and what their intentions are just by their eyes, mannerisms, and voice. 

Unfortunately, it has lead me to find something wrong with everyone I meet and associate them with the women who hurt me in the past. So I just ignore them and move on. Eventually, I'll figure it out, but for now I'll see what happens. 

Do you feel a lot of pressure is off of you now that you've had sex or do you still deal with issues like wanting to have sex every day? I worry I'd start looking for sex instead of porn to solve my issues with stress and stuff lol.

Thanks BooksAndTrees, 

i feel you... I’ve been through similar things. You did not deserve that and it was not your fault. 

The challenge people like us have is that we attract narcissists and we also are attracted to them. More healthier women, who don’t emit sexual energy or invoke desire gets passed on. I’m trying to change my ways but it’s so difficult. 

I think I should pursue someone who I’m not that attracted too and see what happens. My biggest worry is that I won’t get it up, but with some pills I can ignore that fear. 

How do you date? Through apps?

edit: its easier now, yes. I do feel what psychologists call ambiguous sorrow for the sex I have not had during my youth. I also fear this was a temporary fluke and I will go through another 10 year drought. But then I’m not gaming anymore, I meet real world people which infinitely increases my chances.

Edited by Vidar
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3 hours ago, Vidar said:

Thanks BooksAndTrees, 

i feel you... I’ve been through similar things. You did not deserve that and it was not your fault. 

The challenge people like us have is that we attract narcissists and we also are attracted to them. More healthier women, who don’t emit sexual energy or invoke desire gets passed on. I’m trying to change my ways but it’s so difficult. 

I think I should pursue someone who I’m not that attracted too and see what happens. My biggest worry is that I won’t get it up, but with some pills I can ignore that fear. 

How do you date? Through apps?

edit: its easier now, yes. I do feel what psychologists call ambiguous sorrow for the sex I have not had during my youth. I also fear this was a temporary fluke and I will go through another 10 year drought. But then I’m not gaming anymore, I meet real world people which infinitely increases my chances.

I meet women through apps and situations in real life. I always find I'm attracted to women who give me lots of attention, but most of those women are only talking at me about their lives. They're not actually concerned with my life or who I am. 

I agree with you. I'd be careful about dating someone you're not attracted to because I think there are beautiful women who are genuine. We just have to make sure loneliness is not causing us to put any women on a pedestal and sacrificing our lives for their benefit.

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Day #18

 

Gratitude journal

I reached out to a woman I went on some dates with earlier in the autumn. I asked if she wanted to meet and experiment with intimacy. She has very healthy boundaries and she said no. I told her she is great and whisked her good luck. I’m grateful for all the healthy women, their kindness and politeness.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I found an apartment which I want to buy. I reached out and pushed for information on the apartements. Normally I’m quite passive, so the fact I was pursuing was a positive change.

 

Workout/run

Nothing, been at home and depressed. 

Edit: went out on an evening run. Cried while running, mourning the life and experiences I’ve missed out on while isolating myself. Stood next to the ocean and let it in.

 

What I ate

Drank sugary drinks, ate lots of citrus fruits. Became weak and unable to stay awake. 

 

what I will eat tomorrow

porridge for breakfast, home made humus, dates, tomatoes and pita for lunch

 

Arts

made some paintings

 

Singing

None

 

social activities

Called several friends to heal and connect

Shared some drawings on Instagram

 

Meditation

No

 

Visualisation

living in an apartment that I own

 

Daily affirmation

i am becoming more healthy in my relationship with sex. 

 

 

Reading + taking notes

i sort of read two pages in the morning

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Not time for that yet

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Buy a swimming card

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci scheduled)

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

i felt my painful emotions and cried

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Leave my apartment

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Sing a bit in the morning to unlock my belly region

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On 12/5/2019 at 7:06 AM, Vidar said:

The challenge people like us have is that we attract narcissists and we also are attracted to them. More healthier women, who don’t emit sexual energy or invoke desire gets passed on. I’m trying to change my ways but it’s so difficult. 

There's a great book on that called "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

The comparison I'd make would be that if one is addicted to gaming, they'll go out of their way and subordinate everything to it. Nice guy is a man who does the same, except the fact he substitutes gaming for a woman. It'd explain why @BooksandTrees or I ended up with fairly manipulative, controlling and even dominant women in the past. They couldn't help to manipulate us and we couldn't help not being manipulated.

I think the counter to that is simply having options. You have the option to play games, but you don't have to (and you'll be fine). You have the option to date the woman you've had sex with, but you don't have to (and you'll be fine - although this one is a bit trickier, as we have to deal with our sexuality somehow). I believe as long as one has options he can conceive of and realistically carry out, then he's good to go.

Welcome to the forum!

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17 hours ago, Ikar said:

There's a great book on that called "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

The comparison I'd make would be that if one is addicted to gaming, they'll go out of their way and subordinate everything to it. Nice guy is a man who does the same, except the fact he substitutes gaming for a woman. It'd explain why @BooksandTrees or I ended up with fairly manipulative, controlling and even dominant women in the past. They couldn't help to manipulate us and we couldn't help not being manipulated.

I think the counter to that is simply having options. You have the option to play games, but you don't have to (and you'll be fine). You have the option to date the woman you've had sex with, but you don't have to (and you'll be fine - although this one is a bit trickier, as we have to deal with our sexuality somehow). I believe as long as one has options he can conceive of and realistically carry out, then he's good to go.

Welcome to the forum!

Great analysis Ikar! I have not thought about how that subordination part is so similar between addiction and relationships

One of the reasons why I have kept gaming and actually avoided women for sex and relationships, even though I have had opportunities, is that I would be so dysfunctional that it’s not worth pursuing. I’ve also known that if I stop gaming I would start drinking. Without options there I would just start doing even more dysfunctional stuff. Building yourself up from nothing is a long and slow process. 

Gaming is the healthiest was of being dysfunctional, since the recovery time is only a few hours of sleep and a healthy meal. 

 

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Yesterday I felt the urge to game again. The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. 

Though the encounter with the woman was nice, I also felt massively inadequate. Yesterday we went for a friend dinner. My friend has this huge villa where he lives with his beautiful wife and two kids. I felt so far behind my age group that I just wanted to give up.

My libido has hit rock bottom and not even porn makes me exited. 

I used gaming as a way to suppress my hunger for intimacy, since it was so painful to not have access to it. My parents were not the touchy type. The intimacy I got from my mother was violence. Also going year after year without human touch hurt physically in my skin and bones somehow. Now that I don’t play I need to cater to this need somehow in a healthy way. I can’t force myself on women and I don’t want to pay for sex.

My plan Is to take a course in tantric sex. I read one can go on those courses on your own. It could be a really cool experience I think. I suppose some exercises are not possible to do on my own. Being able to breathe myself into orgasm in the subway on my way to work seems intriguing.  

Edited by Vidar

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Day #20

 

Gratitude journal

I am grateful to myself for taking such good care of myself ? .i worked out yesterday quite hard and started to connect with people on a running app. I was also really social in the evening. Today I gave my self a resting day. I also cooked food for myself which I don’t normally do. If I take good care of myself then I don’t need a wife mommy and I can feel good about myself. 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I cooked food for myself for the second time in a long time. I also made gingerbread dough to make a house later on. I will try to invite some friends and we can do it together. .

 

Workout/run

I walked around town and did some sports wear shopping. No I can join a yoga class if I want.

 

What I ate

I ate vegetarian curry which I made myself. I had to sing a bit to relax my stomach to eat it. I was also quite restless while eating, but I got through it. When I grew up my mother forced us to sit at the dinner table and eat while she bullied and interrogated us. This is why I now have eating disorders, I can’t handle the feeling of being trapped around dining tables. 

 

what I will eat tomorrow

porridge for breakfast, curry for lunch

 

Arts

I bought this book about clouds. Apparently there is a cloud appreciation society.  

 

Singing

In the morning and around dinner

 

social activities

talked with a friend over phone. I removed my tinder account. I will create a new one in the spring on my new phone. Before then I will take a break and enjoy family time.

 

Meditation

 

 

Visualisation

I have painted beautiful cloud paintings

 

Daily affirmation

i am my own best friend

 

Reading + taking notes

i read a few pages about clouds 

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

No but it’s fine, because I spent the evening in my own good company

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Buy a swimming card

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci scheduled)

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

i cooked food, not because I wanted to impress any woman, but because I was hungry and wanted to eat.

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Meeting a friend in real life.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

I think this was a great day!

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Day #21

 

Gratitude journal

i am grateful to myself for taking good care of myself. I am grateful for old friends saying hi on social media.

i am grateful for random people on the running app sending encouragements even though they know nothing about me.

i am grateful to myself for meeting the needs I have such as buying glögg (christmas drink)

i av grateful for sales people for reaching out and arranging showings of apartments

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I went to a cafe and ordered glögg. This might seem trivial but it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. However I have social phobia so I always stick with the safe option when buying beverages, which in my case is simple lager. Buying a custom drink because I want it is a breakthrough.

i also two different warm meals which I cooked myself! I don’t think has happened in... it has never happened. Sure I eat porridge and such, but it does not count.

 

Workout/run

I went out running in the morning with my new gear. It was great! Especially the new Nike running scarf.

 

What I ate

Vegetarian curry from yesterday for lunch. 

Pasta with fried peppers for dinner.. 

 

what I will eat tomorrow

yoghurt for breakfast

lunch in cantine

yoghurt as snack

Sandwitch at coqui course in the evening

Porridge in the evening

 

 

Arts

none

 

Singing

i sang the song I’m practicing on mid day

 

social activities

 

I deleted tinder but got one last match. We chatted during the evening.

i talked with some sales people around apartements

 

Meditation

Observed the city from above

 

Visualisation

I own an apartement which I like

 

Daily affirmation

 

i can order whatever drinks I want when I’m out

 

Reading + taking notes

none

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

yes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Buy a swimming card

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci scheduled)

 

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

i cooked food, not because I wanted to impress any woman, but because I was hungry and wanted to eat.

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Meeting a friend in real life.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

I think this was a great day!

Edited by Vidar

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Day #26

 

Gratitude journal

I am grateful to myself for taking the step to buy a home for myself

i am grateful for women who are willing to give me a chance 

I am grateful to professionals who helped me fill in all the papers for the deal.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I bought an apartment. It’s my first owned home!

 

Workout/run

none

 

What I ate

Porridge for breakfast, hamburger for lunch, pasta bacon for afternoon meal, porridge as evening snack

 

what I will eat tomorrow

Porridge, vegetarian bean salad for lunch, 

for dinner chicken masala and good wine

 

Arts

none

 

Singing

did some excercises while waiting

 

social activities

Talked with a friend about sex. He thinks I need to chill. Easy for him to say when women are chasing him and he has had some one hundred partners...

the woman I met on tinder before I deleted the app seems since and well put together. I will meet her on Sunday 

 

Meditation

breathing exercises mid day

 

Visualisation

I am enjoying life

 

Daily affirmation

I wanted an apartment and got it. 

 

Reading + taking notes

none

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Hopes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Buy a swimming card

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci scheduled)

 

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

i cooked food, not because I wanted to impress any woman, but because I was hungry and wanted to eat.

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

Meeting a friend in real life.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

I think this was a great day!

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Day #26

 

Gratitude journal

I am grateful for my Works team who has stepped up recently while my own performance has plummeted. 

I am grateful for the art school for organizing croci evenings. 

I am grateful for my date for being polite to me when rejecting me.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I went to a croci evening. For three hours I stared at a gorgeous naked woman, while painting her.

 

Workout/run

100 pushups

 

What I ate

porridge for breakfast, pasta and cheese for lunch, sandwich for dinner, pasta and eggs for late night snack.

 

what I will eat tomorrow

porridge + egg for breakfast, pasta and cheese for lunch, chicken tikka masala for dinner.

 

Arts

3 hours drawing!!!

 

Singing

did some breathing exercises

 

social activities

chatted with a woman I went on a date with yesterday. I thought the date went ok. However she was not interested in continuing. I asked her for some feedback to help me improve myself and she said I should not think like that. Pretty good response I think. 

I have to say that during the weekend I tried to reach out to the woman I tried to sleep with the other week... she did not reply. I still have that obnoxious incel inside me still... ?

 

Meditation

Breathing excercises when stomach went into lockdown. 

 

Visualisation

i will have an enjoyable Christmas with family

 

Daily affirmation

I took myself to an art class!

 

Reading + taking notes

Been reading about emotional incest

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Nopes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Buy a swimming card

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci done)

 

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

i brought myself to the art class

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

been more focused at work, I’m behind on my deliveries ?

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Drink coffee, I can’t function without it. 

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During therapy I came to realize my mother and I have had some tendencies of incest in our relationship. Like she would show herself naked and also comment on my body in an inappropriate way. I think this is the main reason I find women who are showing that they are attracted to me repulsive, they remind me of my horny mother... I have seen my mothers naked body more than all the women I have dated. This is very shameful and disgusting. 

During the croci these emotions and flashbacks resurfaced. It felt grate to burn in new impressions and overwrite the memories of my mother with this woman. 

After discovering this I made an effort to find help from a medical doctor. I don’t know but maybe there are some resources out there. 

 

One reason I don’t like to be buff and attractive is because my mother finds me attractive and expresses it out loud (it happened before). However I decided not to let her control and own me and my sexuality so now it’s eating and beefing time (I’m anorexic and thin as a way to protect myself). 

 

Edit: a great video about the topic 

 

Edited by Vidar

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On 12/16/2019 at 5:31 PM, Vidar said:

During therapy I came to realize my mother and I have had some tendencies of incest in our relationship. Like she would show herself naked and also comment on my body in an inappropriate way. I think this is the main reason I find women who are showing that they are attracted to me repulsive, they remind me of my horny mother... I have seen my mothers naked body more than all the women I have dated. This is very shameful and disgusting. 

During the croci these emotions and flashbacks resurfaced. It felt grate to burn in new impressions and overwrite the memories of my mother with this woman. 

After discovering this I made an effort to find help from a medical doctor. I don’t know but maybe there are some resources out there. 

 

One reason I don’t like to be buff and attractive is because my mother finds me attractive and expresses it out loud (it happened before). However I decided not to let her control and own me and my sexuality so now it’s eating and beefing time (I’m anorexic and thin as a way to protect myself). 

Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Your therapist will be good at finding ways to overcome this odd and terrible obstacle. Have you confronted her about this? I used to never talk to women because it reminded me of my dad trying to steal my girlfriend or flirt with women I spoke with. I didn't talk to him for years and I got over it after lots of work. 

Feeling shame from others is unfair and a major source of depression. Just know that logically you don't have to speak to your mother again as family means nothing in the end. Being anorexic can be a constant reminder of the pain she has caused. A great way to overcome this pain could very well be to be healthier, eat better, and exercise to find a woman who does treat you well. You deserve better. 

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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Your therapist will be good at finding ways to overcome this odd and terrible obstacle. Have you confronted her about this? I used to never talk to women because it reminded me of my dad trying to steal my girlfriend or flirt with women I spoke with. I didn't talk to him for years and I got over it after lots of work. 

Feeling shame from others is unfair and a major source of depression. Just know that logically you don't have to speak to your mother again as family means nothing in the end. Being anorexic can be a constant reminder of the pain she has caused. A great way to overcome this pain could very well be to be healthier, eat better, and exercise to find a woman who does treat you well. You deserve better. 

Thanks @BooksandTrees, I really appreciate it. It feels good to name your demons. It makes them shrink.

Sounds like you have had a narcissistic dad. My mom was more into sabotaging my relationships, my dads relationships too. You are right, we deserve better!

I added a great video on the topic above. 

The thing is I don’t have traumatic intrusive memories, it’s more like slow poison. My ex had experienced physical abuse in her childhood and she could barely sleep as an adult. For me it’s more ambiguous, which is why it’s been so difficult to grasp what is going on. My mother is probably not really aware of what she is doing herself. 

I will visit my family over the holidays. In the past I tried no contact like you said. But that hurt me more than maintaining a sliver of a relationship. 

The healthiest thing for me right now is to forge and maintain as many healthy relationships as possible. The ones that feel bad I can keep to a minimum. 

I have also come to the conclusion that the management position is not for me. I will have to write a very polite letter declining it. My boss is also a bit narcissistic. 

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The guy mentioned that in general women are sexually viewed as objects and men as subjects. I agree that this idea is flawed.

I think there's no correlation between women doing most of the verbal rejections and them wanting sex. I think the exception to that might be ugly girls (or those who think they are ugly). Men do rejections visually. I think transposing this to men would mean something silly like "men don't ask out most woman they meet, so that means they mostly don't want sex". All in all, I think women want sex the same amount as men do.

Look up Crumb (1995), if you are interested in this particular sons/mother familial pathology. I saw it a few months ago and it was great.

Thanks for sharing @BooksandTrees and @Vidar. I consider myself lucky I did not have my parents actively messing up my own relationships.

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12 hours ago, Ikar said:

The guy mentioned that in general women are sexually viewed as objects and men as subjects. I agree that this idea is flawed.

I think there's no correlation between women doing most of the verbal rejections and them wanting sex. I think the exception to that might be ugly girls (or those who think they are ugly). Men do rejections visually. I think transposing this to men would mean something silly like "men don't ask out most woman they meet, so that means they mostly don't want sex". All in all, I think women want sex the same amount as men do.

Look up Crumb (1995), if you are interested in this particular sons/mother familial pathology. I saw it a few months ago and it was great.

Thanks for sharing @BooksandTrees and @Vidar. I consider myself lucky I did not have my parents actively messing up my own relationships.

I think I’ve seen some version of this. 

I realized today how badly traumatized I actually am. I’m questioning if I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship with any woman. At least the intimate kind. Before I thought these two years of therapy was coming to an end, but now I see I’m just getting started. It’s just so unfair the whole thing. Like, being a middle class white dude with average looks and good intellect is like being on top of the food chain (or at least used to be). Somehow I have not been able to cash in on it and everything has just crumbled. It’s just shit. 

I don’t know what to do now. I came to the conclusion that I don’t want sex and I don’t want that promotion. Less narcissism and no messing with traumas. 

Tomorrow I will fly to my parents and stay there for a few days. I can stay at my friends place if I freak out and my therapist is working so I can call her. One of my sisters will also be there. 

What I fear the most now is that my mother has huge power over me and that I will start talking about this after a few glasses of wine. Need to stay away from the drinking!

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