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BrassWolf

Memento Mori

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Thank you for the compliment @Tzen1! I know doing something for yourself is important and feels good on its own, but it is nice to be appreciated.

Days 22 and 23

I feel that I am able (and tend to) sleep in a lot more when my husband is home on his weekend (the last two days) and so we got a late start. On Sunday we went for a morning motorcycle ride and tried to get his motorcycle pants fixed by his mother (which will be a good fix for a few uses before they need to do something a little more time consuming). We went to lunch together and then our friend was going to come on over and play some board games with us.

We played Sushi Go together which was pretty fun and then... this is the part of the journal where all of you are going to feel something... we played the Switch together for around an hour and a half before starting to make some home-made NYC style pizza. I am actually going to comment on this experience.

It was interesting to notice how neutral I was to playing the games. They were enjoyable as far as they were part of something social with the three of us and it was a cooperative game so we were having conversations about how to do something better etc. We played another game where we were competing against each other and I was again neutral about it but it was interesting to notice how easy it is to hear comments from the others about how unfair something is etc and I'm sitting their being all "Well... I'm having fun even if I am in last place or first place in this race"

This is the major thing for me - From turning on the console, seeing other games, actually doing something like this DURING the detox I still feel more willing to do all of the non-game things. It was used as a fun thing to do with a friend for a short part of his visit. It was enjoyable and not taken seriously. This is the big thing, I believe. I don't really feel the urge to find a game and become the best at it because I lost or didn't measure up. I didn't feel an urge to start up a stream. I reflected on that part of my life and said "Wow... I have already changed within these last 3 weeks."

Due to my stubborn (or really determined) self, even knowing moderation might work in the long-term, I will continue to stick to this detox period. I am not going to play a game for myself and continue to focus on finding other ways to fulfill those four areas like I had been before that moment and like I have been doing after that moment.

My husband finished his home-made pizzas for each of us and OH MY GOSH were they absolutely amazing. They were right on par, or even better, then one of the great NY style places in our area. He is going to play with the sauce and some other elements for the next time to try and improve it even more, which is awesome.

After this we got some ice cream and watched the South Park Movie before our friend headed out and we got ready for bed.

 

Today (Monday) we started our day by checking out the local County Fair (I had never been to one) but because it was during the day on a Monday, there wasn't much going on there. Not many things were opened and it wasn't much worth mentioning!

We started to plan our evening motorcycle ride when we got home and ate lunch. We started to head into town during the middle of rush hour, and I've only been riding up to this point in desolate areas with minimal traffic. I KNOW I am capable of doing what we planned, but the number of people out there during the time and the fact that it began to rain got the better of me so I pulled us into a parking lot and we went home.

My husband gave me some feedback which I already knew but it was good to hear out loud from an outsider and, 10 minutes later, decided to give our journey another shot and this time it was way more successful. I did attribute it to the fact that the sun was out and there were less cars, but the concept of "sticking to your training" really helps. When you are on a motorcycle, emotion can be extremely dangerous.

 It's important to accept what can and might happen before you go on a ride and then think of how you are going to handle it before hand. The training speaks for itself because it helps you know what part of the road to ride on, how much to push speed, what to look around for, etc. If you don't do that focusing, then you can become a victim of your own emotions and can't be successful. I'm glad he was there for me and that we ultimately gave it another shot.

On the way back home I decided to be a little gutsy and stick to the main (busy) road all the way to our training grounds, but this time, I led us to where there were more curves so we could have a little fun before heading back home, cleaning our gear, and sitting outside for a few hours connecting with eachother.

As I finish this journal I will be packing all of my things away to get ready for work in the morning. A new school year begins and I am more equipped than ever to be strong. I remember well the lessons learned in my first two years at my current position and understand the realities of what it is I am doing. Due to this, I know that this year will have a higher probability of being great. If it isn't, then I know I will have some great stories.

This summer (the last 5 weeks) have been absolutely incredible, especially these last 23 days.

Enjoy your week everyone, and thank you for listening!

Kris

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Days 24, 25, 26, and 27

This has definitely been a transition week as a new school year begins. Realizing I need to do more planning to do up-keep on food and the home, but I'm thinking with good planning I can get there for this weekend and beyond. Not too much to say and am rather tired so will attempt a longer post for tomorrow. Hope all is well with everyone!

-Kris

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Day 28

There are people in life, both close and far away to you, that will be a vacuum aiming to suck the positive life force from you. It is important in these moments to remember that there are all kinds of people and that each type of person doesn't have to define humanity for you. When in close quarters with such a person, it is absolutely okay to empathize, especially when they are close to you. Realize that their view does not need to alter your view of life, especially if their's is an attitude of complaints and negativity. Acknowledge the negativity and let it flow through and away from you. Know your limits and figure out the ways to recharge yourself.

For me, the negative person was a family member complaining about every thing and basically being anti-human. I was around this for a couple hours today and, when you are tired, that can definitely feel draining.

So, what do I do to recharge? I surround myself with positive people so tonight a few friends and I went bowling and hung out until around midnight. This was a very recharging experience and it was great to be around the people I enjoy and make me feel great because they are so, in my opinion, balanced. Their positivity is tempered with reality but they are optimistic about the future, and it is such a useful view of life in my belief!

 

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A teacher! I am teaching English part-time. It is fun getting people involved and perhaps even giving a damn about what are you on about 😄

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Day 29

@Ikar That is awesome! I teach Music K-5 and run private lessons on the side for a wide age range.

Today went pretty well overall. Began the day with some motorcycling around the neighborhood, really getting a feel for being on it and it was definitely a great day to be on. We watched a few episodes of Stranger Things 3 while eating lunch. After that we started to get busy with things around the house before engaging with dinner and some of our own projects. Of course, one of my own projects was doing a couple of things to get ready for tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be the first full week and the first week with students. I feel a lot better about this upcoming year and really putting the Stoic philosophies as well as some new mindsets to work and becoming one step closer to the adult I want to be. I will, in some ways, miss having the building be just us adults but am honestly looking forward for the students to be there and bring the building to life.

I listened to several people around me share anxieties about the upcoming year, and while that is always there, there are a few things I feel about it. 1) When did worrying add a year to your life? Or even an hour? I know right now that there will be challenges this year, but I am also not going to be surprised by them and know I can handle them. I will leave those challenges for when I need to face them. Right now, on this Sunday, I was spending time with my husband and that was what was important. 2) When it comes down to those challenging moments, all we have is our best efforts and our influence. If that isn't enough to create a desired outcome than it is out of our control. Even a desirable outcome is out of our control, since it all comes down to what other people (in my case 300 other people) are going to do with my input. I can do a lot to influence but, ultimately, these other 300 people are human beings and get to choose how they follow along, so why should I be worried?

Have a great night. I look forward to putting these new beliefs to the test and working to have a much better year than last year! (Last year was hard but, again, I think dreaming of escaping to a career as a Super Smash Bros. player was a large part to blame, as well as the intense speedrunning before the school year began. This year already feels better without the regret of playing so many games during the summer).

-Kris

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Day 30

One-Third of the Journey COMPLETED!!!

I knew the whole time that I would see the first month completed, and it has been an incredible month full of so many ups and downs, but I feel so much more prepared to deal with them in a constructive and positive way. I'm finally getting to develop the emotional intelligence I know I had been missing for so long, and it's wonderful.

Today was the final day of preparation at work and it was busy. It started, however, with an amazing success in my cooking that I am going to post below! I finally made an omelette that 100% did not stick to the frying pan and tasted amazing too! Tomorrow will be the test for consistency!

After that I geared up and completed not only my first motorcycle ride to work, but it was the first ride I was alone. It was a lovely ride.

At work I definitely realized the potential that is unlocked by having an agenda with times. While I don't always stick to the timings exactly, it helps me stay focused and not fall into bad habits (like procrastination) and I got a ton done in the room ahead of the back to school night. I shocked everyone during the introductions by introducing myself in English and Spanish. My boss asked me how long I had been speaking and I said "It's incredible how much you can do when you quit playing video games!" My heart was absolutely pounding because I was stepping out of the comfort zone of my native language, but I knew I could do it so breathed, accepted that emotion, and did what I was going to do and it was absolutely fine.

I felt today that I am beginning to become the welcoming positive teacher I want to be, which means I am becoming more in charge of my emotions and regulating them because that happens in my real life too.

It's hard to put every little feeling I have in this post right now. I am more willing to accept that there are challenges all around me but if I am expecting them then it is almost as if I am giving them less power to derail or surprise me. In fact, I am planning on as many challenges as possible so I can continue to be the adult I want to be. Am I always succeeding at that? FUCK NO! But, when there's a victory, I am definitely going to celebrate it and more so celebrate the process that got me here and will get me beyond!

Have a great night!

-Kris

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Thank you man! Appreciate the compliments.

Day 31

Today was the first day with students and it went extremely well. Again, I've really been focusing on creating (and helping to influence) the environment I want and to choose how I respond to the environment. I know what kinds of things to expect and, in some ways am pleasantly surprised, and in other ways know the students are capable of the positive outcomes and can ultimately do amazing things, so in a way, am not surprised (if that makes sense!)

Definitely worked hard as I pushed my way to doing some Spanish learning and napped on the carpet at home for 20 minutes before powering through a work out and literally just relaxing and letting myself be tired.

That's about all I have energy to write. Good day!

-Kris

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