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Laney

Laney’s Journal 3.0

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I’ve relapsed very hard. I don’t know where to start on what happened in my life. I moved to San Diego, started a new job, but...so many things happened to me and I couldn’t handle all of them. 

Warning, the post is somber and maybe not the best feeling to read  

Let’s start with my livelihood the past year. I had a job at a high stress cutthroat environment. My two and only teammates (my supervisors who hired me) up and bounced from the company after six months. I was fired about two months later once I taught the new people. But I was in an awful state by that time, and didn’t respond well to the new management style. Being fired was a good thing for me, but how I handled the aftermath, finding a new job, maintaining self confidence... I failed at that.

I do know a lot of it wasn’t my fault. My roommate attempted suicide and I helped her boyfriend clean the blood from the carpet. Took a sativa edible that caused severe paranoia to the point it affected my hobbies (example: I stopped my drum lessons because I thought my teacher was going to sell me as a sex slave if I showed up again, I’d be kidnapped and etc) this period of paranoia lasted for a few weeks and has had lingering effects...by making all of the worst moments of my life where I felt the most unsafe and scared and hurt be felt at once. I also had a new and amazing boyfriend who I fell in love with and even proposed to, who turned out to be cheating on me since the beginning. He was also being emotionally abusive and damaging to my view of myself. I would have done anything for him. Violence was involved slightly, and I was kicked out after midnight many times. Yelling in the streets, pushing or throwing me and my stuff out the door, literally, and he snapped my glasses. All because he thought I was a slut even though I was committed, he knew about my sexual past and he used it against me all the time to break things off. Then apologize the next day. The worst part was the emotional though, the constant comparisons of me to better people(oftentimes himself), the telling me what I was doing wrong and had done wrong in my life, and calling me many creative expletives.

Whats fucked up is I still love this man. Even though he’s lied, cheated, led me on and abandoned me more times than I can count. That story is for a different time though  

He’s the only person who has ever doubted my integrity. I have always seen myself as an honest and genuine person. There were flaws there that honestly I’m happy he pointed out for me. But no one in my life mistrusts me. Or thinks that I don’t mean what I say. 

It was infuriating to me. When people believe things of me that are false this fierce pride rears up inside me. It made our arguments heated if he didn’t believe I loved him or was committed to him or when he accused me of being on dating apps or fucking other men, if he did those things I would get so distracted by my anger. 

After I lost my job, him and I kept this up from December to...I guess the middle of May. 

I went back to gaming end of February because I have isolated myself from all of my friends over the past year. Partially because I was in San Diego and partially because of a rape and assaults and a 911 tinder date and partly because of my ex manipulating me because of his insecurities. But I consented to removing all those people. I don’t trust the men in my life to be genuine friends. Even if I know they mean well, if any male friend were to make a move on me my mental health would probably deteriorate. 

Most if not all of my friends were/are men. While dating my ex I blocked or unfriended most of them. The closest ones I definitely did.

About my relapse. Online was safe for me...it wasn’t real people in person. I could have goals and something to do during this period of destructive limbo between my man and I. And the friends I made helped give me enough confidence back to make healthy decisions for myself and stand up for myself. I should also thank my family and sister for that as well. The dilemma is now most of my support group and friends are through an mmorpg. 

Going to video games was the cowardly path and I know it  I should have forced myself to be social and make in person friends in the local community, but I knew that it would put a rift between my ex and I if I did. I am sad I am spending so much of my day building towards awesome things...not in my life but a virtual one.

Thought id come back to this journal to start thinking about how I will change my life again. I have new challenges I never thought I’d have. New fears and social anxieties I’ve never had. But I remember myself. I know I can come back, in a better way, where I will have wholesome people around me who won’t take advantage of me. I know I can. But I don’t know that path yet. I’m taking small steps every week, potentially pursuing a career in massage therapy; first intro is on friday. Getting a drum set in my garage from a friend, and I’ll be getting cheap lessons from him (he’s also gay so that is a blessing on my fears of men). 

Im taking the steps. And I know I’ll get there. But I’m here right now and I’m not happy, I don’t care sometimes about if I’m alive or dead, and I miss my ex so much, and am hurting so much from the betrayals of the heart and the abandonment. I’m here in this time. The not future me. The present, shitty, scared, barely capable of anything me. I guess that’s why I’m here. To seek safety and encouragement, spend time with myself and others thinking on my plans, and to see the light in my depressed days. 

Edited by Laney
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I'm so sorry to hear that. I really hope you can build up a stable mindset to work from. Betrayal, anger and bitterness are probably our biggest enemies. Stay strong and look forward.

Greetings

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Sounds like you've been through a lot. It's hard to see the forest thru the trees sometimes. I hope things get better for you asap. Here to support you, good luck! 😃

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Good luck! Straightening yourself out is a noble cause, by no means easy, but definitely worthwhile.

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