One more try..

[Ikar]

I'm not too sure what the answer here is. I'm currently half-way through my nofap week and I have hardly any cravings. Then again, I still spend most of my time at home and I have very little experience with porn per se, so @30_yrs_of_gaming is making a good point from a perspective I wouldn't be able to deliver.

It's perfectly fine to feel sexually curious in late teens/adolescence. It really comes down to the distinction whether you're thinking of them sexually or as potential (lifetime) partners, BUT there's never gonna be a clear cut most of the times.

It's really up to you how you feel about the situation and if it warrants action, good thing to remember here is that all of us found this forum as self-diagnosed gaming addicts, so I'd trust your own judgement.

[Sapuverell]

5 hours ago, 30_yrs_of_gaming said:

It's one thing to acknowledge and notice beauty. That's healthy. It is another thing to engage in lustful thinking. That's depreciating.

It may take a while to make progress in this area because your mind will want to replay what you have been feeding it in the past. It is said that images actually take up more space in the brain as opposed to words. It will require consistent time and effort to replace that space in your mind.

I have been separated from my spouse for over 2 months. We have always been fulfilled in the bedroom so the physical loneliness during our separation has been especially difficult after over 13 years of marriage. I will confess that I have to obtain some release once a week at a minimum, but to curb my cravings I practice 3 things:

1.) Cold showers - It's miserable, but also extremely invigorating and I always have my energies redirected afterwards.

2.) Working out - Some days I run the treadmill for about 45 mins. Other days I use weight training. The disciplined time gives me more power to resist temptations.

3.) Time outdoors - It sounds simplistic, but leave the devices inside and go for a walk. Take a hike in the woods, stroll at a local park, or walk beside a body of water. It helps free the mind.

Know that you are not alone in this struggle and that you CAN obtain the mastery you seek. Be strong. Keep up the good work.

Cold showers are like a torture in my opinion, but I will try it for a week maybe, so the walking in nature. Thank you for telling me this, now I can be sure that it's all part of the process and this calms me.?

[Sapuverell]

Day 10

gone to bed: 23.25

woke up: 06.40

Bored like never before. I could leave school very eearly in the morning, because a teacher didn't show up. So I had basically the hole day to do anything I want. I went to a shop, bought myself a new jacket and ate an icecream afterwards. Later at home I had no idea what to do or better should I say I just couldn't ddo anything. I felt neither to read nor to cook, I mean I have a lot of projects and stuff to do, but its all seems so tedious. 

Today I ordered a new mobile phone, one that has this buttons and no apps at all, so that I won't use the phone anymore than for what it was originally designed, calls and messages. Also I worked on my wardrobe to get rid of all the shitty clothes I no longer want to wear.

I'm grateful for:

• being bored, because it has to be that way, so that I start initiating actions from myself
• the good financal situation I'm in, that I have so many possibilities and no worries
• my mother's support
• no exam for the upcoming week

 

[Sapuverell]

Day 11

gone to bed: 22.10

woke up: 08.40

Slept very good tonight. Massage was good, but now my right shoulder hurts a bit. Most of the time I was bored. Just sat in my room, didn't do nothing at all. I still spend too much time on Youtube, but this will soon be over if I get rid of my phone in about 5 days. Today I watched two lovely films: "Wie ein ganzer Tag" and "Once" and it entertained me well and I have something to think about now. Gaming doesn't come in my head thankfully.

I'm grateful for:

• the few hours just sitting in complete silence and watch the stormy weather do it's thing
• a clear call with a friend to see the satus of this relationship
• being fully in a process of changing myself, even though it's hard for me

[Sapuverell]

Day 12

gone to bed: 23.10

woke up: 11.20

Had a good breakfast at 12 o'clock. Then went to a friend. We chilled and made a chess tournament with her family. Was fun, but also tiring. I loved it to be outside of home. Later on my brother came by and we ate together, chatted and discussed about politics. It was good, even if I once again had this feeling of not fitting into this family. My mother is left, my brother as well and then comes me and I'm conservative. Sometimes this leads to feeling alone and also being a human in the wrong place. This now sounds dramatic, but that's how I feel from time to time. 

About the relationship with this girl I talk about so often. She is my only and best friend. It's not that I'm unpopular, no, it's just that she's the only person who really gets what I'm saying. We always had a great time since this other boy from my class appeared in her life. It was such a rough time for both, especially because I thought I loved her at that time. I even told her. Then she came into a relationship with this other guy and I suffered along. It's absolutely not her fault, it just hurted at that moment. A feeling I've never experienced before, not in that strength. We never had any fights or then understood each other again pretty quickly. Now a few days ago she told me, that she ended her relationship with that guy. I didn't know how it made me feel. I wasn't excited but also not sad, because I saw her looking down, listening to music and  just not feeling happy for weeks and it was horrible. I did wanna help her, but I didn't know how other then saying I'll be there for you whenever you want. Today I spent several hours with her and I was so glad she smiled again and we're just having a good time. I felt home what I didn't for a long time I would say. It shows how much she means to me, but also how dangerous it can be. I really don't know if I love her or if I just miss this feeling of being understood and being at home with a girl that's beautiful, generous, smart and just lovely in my opinion. Right now I just don't wanna come in the situation of loving her and then be hurt once again. It would destroy me I think, not only hurt. Im' not sure what to do, if I should leave her or now just continue with what we were left before she met this guy. Also I don't know what's different now.

Jordan Peterson said there are probably about 5-6 people that you will met in your life, that could become a potential life-time partner you're going to marry. I don't wanna miss any chance in this particular topic, especially because I think that girls like my friend right now are very rare.

I'm thankful for:

• being on a forum
• having so much to fight through, because it makes me stonger everytime
• a brother, who shows me a totally different lifestyle and therefore perspective

Wow, this got a lot longer than I expected. I feel better now, after writing this down. Not quite sure if I should share such personal stuff, but since it's anonymous I think it's fine. I don't wanna hurt anyone. I want the best for my friend, our relationship, that guy in my class and also my family. 

[Ikar]

I'm beginning to wonder if we are obsessed with Jordan Peterson, but looking at the world through the lens of responsibility, discipline and truth appeals to me at least.

I think it's important to tell her how you feel, so you also get to know what she thinks. After my recent relationship, I found out the phrase "I love you" is rather vague. I think my ex "loved" me for parts of my identity that weren't as integral as she thought and looking at me back then, I was becoming a huge mess, basically gaming/watching Twitch every day. Logically, she ended up disillusioned and I ended up legitimately shocked by the asymmetry between us that's developed over weeks. She'd just never have the incentive to tell me what's bothering her, to tell me the truth, and it just chipped away at her. All she could do was to make rather haphazard attempts to alter my behavior by telling me things like "You should work out more" etc. and coming from that place, you hardly ever achieve more than confusion and resentment.

Good luck! Hope my insights help.

Edited May 13, 2019 by Ikar

[Sapuverell]

12 hours ago, Ikar said:

I'm beginning to wonder if we are obsessed with Jordan Peterson, but looking at the world through the lens of responsibility, discipline and truth appeals to me at least.

I think it's important to tell her how you feel, so you also get to know what she thinks. After my recent relationship, I found out the phrase "I love you" is rather vague. I think my ex "loved" me for parts of my identity that weren't as integral as she thought and looking at me back then, I was becoming a huge mess, basically gaming/watching Twitch every day. Logically, she ended up disillusioned and I ended up legitimately shocked by the asymmetry between us that's developed over weeks. She'd just never have the incentive to tell me what's bothering her, to tell me the truth, and it just chipped away at her. All she could do was to make rather haphazard attempts to alter my behavior by telling me things like "You should work out more" etc. and coming from that place, you hardly ever achieve more than confusion and resentment.

Good luck! Hope my insights help.

Thank you Ikar,

I will talk to her soon. 

[Sapuverell]

Day 13

gone to bed: 23.05

woke up: 07.05

Starting to worry about myself. I've conacted a psychologist I once was, and he really helped me back then. Putting my hope into this. I just don't understand how I can't bring up any self-discipline nore willpower. School doesn't matter to me anymore. It's something I've never expereienced and that's what makes me worried.

I don't know how to describe it, but I'll try. School was ever my pillar of life. It was the only place I could prove myself in the real world. I was good, had a 5.89 avarage once (in switzerland 6 is the best you can get). It didn't matter if outside of school things went wrong. I still had my marks that would makee me proud. During the last few years I've noticed that school isn't everything, especially through the fact that I just couldn't keep up anymore with housework or studying just because we've 14 different classes and there's simply no time to do it all perfectly. I started to loose it and everytime it felt so good. No more stress. There's no chance I would drop out, because even with to do only the most necessary I was enough. But at the same time it makes me feel incredibly unhappy, empty and worthless. What is there, where I'm more than avarage in it. Where can I flourish in the world. I don't know.

Today I've noticed, that I have to prioritize what's important to me, and that I have to find another pillar than school in my life, since this isn't supporting me. It's not that I wanna critizie our school-system. It's great I can tell you, but it makes it hard for me at the moment, because I think I want to become good at something specific and really focus on that. The other me tells me that I just lost focus on what I wanted to achieve in school: learning the basics of languages, sciences, mathematics and so on. I'm interested in all of these. What I really see in writing this, is that I don't know where I'm aiming at. I need a plan, a structure in my everyday life, a vision where school, health, relationships, freetime and personal development is all considered. That's why I wrote tto this psychologist.

With this girl. There's a problem inside me and I haven't fully understood what it is, why I don't write about this now. But I believe everything comes good.

I'm grateful for (very hard today):

• good physical therapy, that helped me think of something else
• no thoughts about gaming and "NoFap" is no longer a problem it seems
• not have fallen into depression, I think I know when I have to catch myself from falling down and then to do the things that help me.

 

Edited May 14, 2019 by Sapuverell

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Good job. Be strong. Keep it up. One day at a time. ?

[Sapuverell]

7 hours ago, 30_yrs_of_gaming said:

Good job. Be strong. Keep it up. One day at a time. ?

Yeah! Today I took a day off. Slept very well and now go to the gym. I hope all this will be good soon. 

Thank you ?

[Ikar]

It seems like a good idea to branch out of a single thing, school in your case. Realizing you're also a part of a family, that you have some friends and maybe some other activities in your life. You want to give all of them some focus, so when one part collapses, you have other things you do to support you, that basically define you.

All of us being here on a daily basis had to re-invent ourselves, because we had a priority we invested in, even though it was detrimental. It's basically what happens when you go all-in on one thing and it fails.

[Guest]

I seen more and more people do NoFap.. and I thought it was someone making a joke of movember mustache november ? But can someone tell what its about, like healthbenefits etc. (Iknow its about No Fap so far ? )

[Sapuverell]

Just now, The radtech said:

I seen more and more people do NoFap.. and I thought it was someone making a joke of movember mustache november ? But can someone tell what its about, like healthbenefits etc. (Iknow its about No Fap so far ? )

I can' tell where it comes from, but I can show you my motivation behind it. So for me it is a detox of porn and a try to rewire my sexuality to a more healthy and beneficial way. I wanna play the natural game and not an acted fanatasy like porn. Also I want to encourage myself to talk to girls and be wwilling to find a relationships that's worth it. If you constantly "relief" yourself it's unlikely that you'll go out and do the uncomfortable talks and picking up (Uuhh how much I hate this expression). 

Since I've started I've noticed that I was so used to, that I didn't know how it was without. First I had some problems and it was hard for me, but since 3-4 days there is no problem at all anymore.

Hope that explains it a bit.

[Guest]

55 minutes ago, Sapuverell said:

I can' tell where it comes from, but I can show you my motivation behind it. So for me it is a detox of porn and a try to rewire my sexuality to a more healthy and beneficial way. I wanna play the natural game and not an acted fanatasy like porn. Also I want to encourage myself to talk to girls and be wwilling to find a relationships that's worth it. If you constantly "relief" yourself it's unlikely that you'll go out and do the uncomfortable talks and picking up (Uuhh how much I hate this expression). 

Since I've started I've noticed that I was so used to, that I didn't know how it was without. First I had some problems and it was hard for me, but since 3-4 days there is no problem at all anymore.

Hope that explains it a bit.

Yeah explains it pretty good ? thanks for replying, I thought it might be a too personal subject so I didnt expect any answers so thanks alot ?

[Sapuverell]

Day 14

gone to bed: 23.00

woke up: 13.00

Good Day acomparred to the last two. Like @30_yrs_of_gaming said, I take day after day. Cleaned my room, so myself, did my homework, sorted some stuff on my desk and listened to music. I watched a documentary about the roaring twenties in America, since it's our topic in history. Then I played Golf with my friends. The experience was nice. I had literally no fun and so stopped after 30min. I will not restart my counter, because it was definitely not a relapse. In the evening I had a one and a half hour long phone call with my female friend and we cleared a lot about our relationship. About her feelings with that guy in our class and why we both don't feel that happy at the moment. What we want to do in the coming weeks and so on. All in all it was good for my soul and I think today I'll have no problem to fall asleep. I feel calm.

I'm grateful for:

• feeling better
• finding no joy in gaming anymore (at least not today)
• doing my homework

Thanks guys for supporting me, it helped me a lot.

Edited May 14, 2019 by Sapuverell

[Sapuverell]

Day 15

gone to bed: 01.00

woke up: 07.00

I'm pretty happy about the way I worked in school. Felt productive and finished some stuff. Later at homme I found out, that for our report for a physics experiment is more complicated than expected and that I have to prepare a core question for my graduation work. It stressed me a lot, and still does. But no gaming and no masturbation, that's good. In terms of relationship, today nothing really happened.

Im grateful for:

• a friend that helps me out with this report
• delicious lunch
• a day without my wheelchair, that I normally have in school (I felt confident enough to abandon him)

[Sapuverell]

Day 16

gone to bed: 00.30

woke up: 07.35

Finished my report on the physics experiment. Also did organisational stuff. No thoughts about Gaming anymore, where "NoFap" is very challanging at the moment. But I wont fall into this until these 90 days are over. Today I feel very motivated to change everything in my life. I wanna be more productive, more attractive, passionate, informed, fit, enlightened and much more. I'm so happy to have made this decision to take on my habits and rewire my brain.  What I have to pay more attention to is my sleep cycle, which wasn't that static in the past days. But it's way better since I got my new phone, that doesn't let me watch Youtube before sleeping. I do not even take it into bed. Yesterday I thought a lot about situations of the day, where I had an emotional reaction to and I couldn't calm down because of this. I'm thinking of meditating a bit more. Maybe that helps.

I'm grateful for:

• feeling relaxed
• motivation and happiness due to progress
• second day, where I didn't use my wheelchair at all

[Sapuverell]

Day 17

gone to bed: 00.20

woke up: 06.20

Yesterday I accidentally fell asleep at 6 p.m. and then didn't wake up until midnight or so. But the day was pretty good. I went to the gym, school was fun and later on I met my old best friend and wwe talked for a while. It was interesting and I was super thankful, that I'm so stable in my life in terms of education. He sadly canceled two apprenticeships and is now searching for something new. In the afternoon there was a funeral at the local church, because a very young teen died recently. It was kinda sad to see all these people in mourning. I knew this boy a little, saw him twice or three times and he always had a smile on his face and couldn't hurt anyone. It made me think about death and my testament, that I want to change now, due to this experience.

I noticed that without gaming I'm thinking a lot about things that happen in my environment. I like it, but it's also tiring and for me it always was difficult to switch off. That's why I went to bed at 6 p.m., just to stop thinking.

I'm grateful for:

• health
• good education and further possibilities
• being rather disciplined, reliable, taking responsibility in my life and being good with others

 

Edited May 19, 2019 by Sapuverell

[Sapuverell]

Day 18

gone to bed: 22.15

woke up: 07.50

I looked over my journal and I felt like I was posting everyday a new topic and new problems I had during the day. There's always something new that pops up in my life and I'm having a hard time to sort that all. But my intentions with this journal is not to have a book at the end. I just wanna share what happens to me in this moving and changing time. If someone is happy to read about it, or even takes it as an inspiration, it's even more than I would expect.

Today was great. I'm super happy about the work I've done. I had urges to play games and also "NoFap" was incredibly hard, but I could resist. I called my friend and wished her a wonderful day, thatb was awesome. I also gave my mom my concept I wrote today, to give me some feedback about my coming graduation work. I went to the gym and I finally filled out my tax return. 

I'm grateful for:

• endurance, that made me work for 4hours straight
• rice and aubergines for lunch, one of my favorite dishes
• new exercises for my back at the gym
• the absolute best friend in the world, in my opinion
• good movies I can watch every week

 

Edited May 19, 2019 by Sapuverell

[Sapuverell]

Day 19

gone to bed: 23.30

woke up: 09.00

I went to the church and it was good to talk with someone about my faith and my position. I had no thoughts about gaming the whole day. "NoFap" was hard, but I sticked to it. I slept a lot in the afternoon and now I do some homework for tomorrow. 

I'm grateful for:

• sleep
• calm
• lunch

Edited May 19, 2019 by Sapuverell

[Sapuverell]

Day 20

gone to bed: 02.30

woke up: 07.05

Productive day. Did my homework, prepared for my last biology exam tomorrow and wrote an essay in english that came out pretty good in my opinion for actually no preparation. Due to my sleeptime I felt very tired and I had problems to concentrate. "NoFap" still very hard, but couldn't overcome myself to take cold showers yet.

I'm grateful for:

• a 5.5 in an test about Dostojewski's Aufzeichnungen aus dem Kellerloch, which was pretty challanging to rad
• people from the church, who want to invite me for my birthday
• another day completed on my journey

[Sapuverell]

Day 21

gone to bed: 22.50

woke up: 07.05

My life is changing. I'm happy but at the same time truly sad. Full of energy but also tired. Motivated but always on the edge to give up. In believe to change everything, but then it seems that nothing reallly changes at all. It's strange.

I'm grateful for:

• a feeling of freedom without my wheelchair
• being disciplined 
• free time to watch a film and read
• my good work in school

[Sapuverell]

Day 22

gone to bed: 19.45

woke up: 06.35

Very happy with myself. I wrote down my thoughts about this good female friend and explained my situation. Now a wise women from church is gonna help me on that. That feels good and I think I start to find a way how to deal with problems instead of repress them behind a screen. "NoFap" is now nearly indomitable. I crave like never before, but at the same pushing myself to continue it. Need to do something to get other thoughts. Today I finished my tax return and I had a conversatio with my teacher about my graduation work. 

I'm grateful for:

• quiet sleep
• having everything done to kick of my graduation work and begin to read lectures and so on
• good physical health to a point where I think I can omitting my wheelchair forever

To miss out my wheelchair is for me like a step into freedom and independence and it makees me feel great. For real now, I feel like a "normal" person now. Thanks to all the hours at the gym I am able to walk about 3 kilometers without a problem and this is something my doctors said wasn't possible for me. They said my illness is chronic and it only gets worse in that case. I proved them wrong?

[Sapuverell]

Day 23

gone to bed: 23.05

woke up: 07.00

A wavering day. I felt so bad in school because I just can't get over my female friend, who hurted me for months now. I'm unhappy and didn't know what to do. But during class I did well, I worked hard so I have no homework to do later. In the evening I went out for dinner with my family. It was great especially because I saw my brother and he means a lot to me. The rest of the family doesn't mean that much for me. I need to add, that I'm the only one who's going to an university and is more on the right-wing political wise. I sometimes feel like a child in the wrong placce so to say. But with my brother I had a good time and we get along very good. Before I went to bed, I had a talk with my mother and she helped me out with this female friend. Told I should stop trying to make everyone happy and be there at anytime for her. I should really make her miss me a bit and sometimes be more honest and tell her what I really think of her instead of holding me back. It made me open my eyes and I'm excited of what happens in the near future with our relationship. Also I think it's a big step, because I think it's literally the last thing I noticed I have to learn about dealing with girl's or relationships in general.

Sadly I relapsed in "NoFap". Despite the cold shower I couldn't hold back. I just needed to relief some stress and it helped me fall asleep. But I regretted it immediatly. In this moment I saw that "NoFap" really has some benefits and I wanna continue all that. But I do not wanna tyrannize myself and I won't feel bad about masturbation anymore. My goal is to have it in a healthy manner and I think I'm able to do so. Pornography though, I farther won't look.

I'm grateful for:

• the wise words from my mother
• being close  to end this suffering over the last few months
• getting things done in school
• nice wheater to chill outside and listen to music

[Ikar]

2 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

I had a talk with my mother and she helped me out with this female friend. Told I should stop trying to make everyone happy and be there at anytime for her. I should really make her miss me a bit and sometimes be more honest and tell her what I really think of her instead of holding me back. It made me open my eyes and I'm excited of what happens in the near future with our relationship. Also I think it's a big step, because I think it's literally the last thing I noticed I have to learn about dealing with girl's or relationships in general.

Good advice. If she's insecure about something, she needs to deal with it on her own. You and I both came here, because we were insecure about our outlook on gaming. It's OK to ask for help and support, but she has to do the lifting regardless of whatever her trouble is. I'm speaking from experience, but you probably already know that!